The Question
Eternal
1. Do you sleep with your closet doors open or closed?
I don't sleep in my closet.
2. Do you take the shampoos and conditioner bottles from hotel?
No, I just take the janitorial staff home and wring them out over the tub.
3. Have you ever 'done it' in a hotel room?
Yes, but if you want me to tell you what it was like, it'll cost you.
4. Have you ever stolen a street sign before?
If it came with the rest of the street, then... uh... I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me.
5. Do you like to use post-it notes?
No, staplers work just fine, and the notes stay on the foreheads longer that way.
6. Do you cut out coupons but then never use them?
Nobody ever offers coupons on small-arms ammunition.
7. Would you rather be attacked by a big bear or a swarm of bees?
A big bear, please. Nobody makes bee-sized bullets.
8. Do you always smile for pictures?
Only when I've just lit the photographer on fire. So yes, most of the time.
10. What is your biggest pet peeve?
People that ask me what my biggest pet peeve is. Where did you say you live?
12. Do you ever count your steps when you walk?
No, I count your steps when I walk. Don't turn around.
13. Have you ever peed in the woods?
In the woods, on a squirrel...
14. Best question yo ever saw on a survey?
Best question yo ever saw on a survey?
15. Do you ever chew on your pens or pencils?
That's not even medically possible! Oh, sorry, I misread that.
16. How many people have you slept with this week?
Up against the wall and spread 'em, let's get the count started.
17. Do you like popcorn from those big tins?
Are you hitting on me?
18. What is your "Song of the week"?
"Onward Christian Soldier." Wait, sorry, no -- that's the Song Of The Weak. Let's start over.
19. Is it okay for guys to wear pink?
Pink what? Pink paint? A thick coating of Pepto-Bismol?
20. Favorite Fish?
Dead ones.
21. Whats your favorite scary movie?
I'm sure my family has home videos somewhere.
22. Where would you bury hidden treasure if you had some?
If I told you, it wouldn't be fucking HIDDEN anymore, now would it?!
23. What do you drink with dinner?
Liquids.
24. What do you dip a chicken nugget in?
Is this a survey or a pop quiz for retarded kids? Jesus Christ!
25. What is your favorite food/ cuisine?
Yes.
26. What movies could you watch over and over and still?
I have an eidetic memory. If I've seen it once and it was good enough to remember, I don't need a tv to watch it again, and if it sucked, I don't WANT to see it again.
27. Look! I'm deleting this one. ; )
You failed.
28. Were you ever a boy/girl scout?
No, I was a Boy Scout, though.
29. Would you ever strip or pose nude in a magazine?
If I'm wearing a magazine, I'm not nude now, am I?
30. When was the last time you wrote a letter to someone?
None of your business, Snoopy Susan!
31. Can you change the oil on a car?
Whether the owner wants me to or not.
32. Ever gotten a speeding ticket?
Never in my own car.
33. Ran out of gas?
No, I've always got gas, just never can seem to run dry.
34. Favorite kind of sandwich?
The kind that doesn't taste like shit.
35. Best thing to eat for breakfast?
A girl.
36. What is your usual bedtime?
Whenever I feel like it.
37. Are you lazy?
I don't feel like answering this question, you do it.
38. When you were a kid, what did you dress up as for Halloween?
You.
40. How many languages can you speak?
Only one -- but I speak it twice as well as you do.
41. Do you have any magazine subscriptions?
In my own name?
42.Which are better legos or Lincoln logs?
Lincoln logs. Legos don't ignite.
43. Are you mean?
How about I shove my foot up your ass and you can give me an objective fucking assessment.
44. Who is better...Leno or Letterman?
I'm sorry, at what point did there suddenly arise a meaningful difference?
45. Ever watch soap operas?
Don't ever ask me that again.
46. Afraid of heights?
No. Falling from them, on the other hand, maybe a little bit.
50. Ever use a gun?
Yes.
51. Last time you got a portrait taken by a photographer?
Do driver's license photos count?
53. Is Christmas stressful?
It can be. Depends on whether or not you decide to let the relatives live.
54. Ever eat a dog?
Yes, in fact, I have. I got it from a street vendor in Phoenix. It had mustard and relish. The bun was perfectly light and fluffy, the mustard tangy and the relish sweet, just how a dog should be.
55. Favorite type of fruit pie?
The kind that fits snugly into a slingshot and is firm enough not to disintegrate until impact.
56. Occupations you wanted to be when you were a kid?
Breeding animal.
57. Do you believe in ghosts?
I don't believe in anything that leaves behind no physical evidence of its existence. That goes for ghosts, clairvoyance, UFOs and the claim that Michael Jackson is a human.
59. Take a vitamin daily?
I've heard of Vitamin B, Vitamin C, Vitamin D... many, many vitamins. So: No, I usually forget.
60. Wear slippers?
No, and I never will unless some entrepreneurial fisherman starts harvesting dolphins to make them out of. 'Cause who could turn down Flippers?
61. Wear a bath robe?
Christ, no! What the fuck is the point of a bath robe?! If you're in the bath, you're out of the robe, and if you're in the robe you're out of the fucking bath! Jesus Christ!
62. What do you wear to bed?
A condom; your mother insists on it.
63. First concert?
No.
64. Wal-Mart, Target or KMart?
All of them, as long as this question pertains to arson.
65.Nike or Adidas?
5.11 Tactical.
66. Cheetos or Fritos?
I don't eat that junk food shit. I eat other kinds of junk food shit.
67. Peanuts or Sunflower seeds?
I could answer that question... and I'm not going to. 'Cause if I do, I'm gonna go somewhere strange and bad with it.
68. Ever hear of, "gorp"?
What's that, a new band?
69. Ever take dance lessons?
I'm white, what's the point?
71. Can you curl your tongue?
Yeah, and those of most women, too.
72. Ever won a spelling bee?
Yeah, I was the only kid there who could spell, "Howitzer."
73. Ever cried because you were so happy?
No, and neither has any other mentally stable human being.
74. Own any record albums?
Yeah, I play 'em in other peoples' CD players.
75. Own a record player?
Oh, absolutely. I was the first kid on my block to get one back in 1927.
76. Regularly burn incense?
No, I burn it in special ways.
77. Ever been in love?
I've got scars.
78. Who would you like to see in concert?
Not so much into concerts as live executions.
80. Hot tea or cold tea?
Do I look all fucking hoity-toity to you?
81.Tea or coffee?
Coffee. Java. Joe. Wake-up Juice. Fuckin' Brooklyn Breakfast, bitch.
82. Favorite kind of cookie?
Didn't we just cover this?
83. Can you swim well?
I can float.
84. Can you hold your breath w/o manually holding your nose?
Yeah, 'cause talking while holding your nose AFTER you fart just takes awkward to an entirely unnecessary level.
85. Are you patient?
HURRY UP AND GET TO THE GOOD QUESTIONS!!! HURRY UP!!!
86. DJ or band, at a wedding?
Highland Bagpipers. Playing a fucking DIRGE.
87. Ever won a contest?
Probably, knowing my luck.
88. Ever have plastic surgery?
One time I used my parents' microwave to melt an arm back onto one of my G.I. Joe action figures after I broke it off. Does that count?
89. Which are better black or green olives?
Free your mind.
90. can you knit or crochet?
Crotch-yet. Heh.
91. Best room for a fireplace?
Bathroom.
92. Do you want to get married?
I'm not suicidal.
93. Make your own question:
What kind of lazy sack of crap writes a survey question where they ask the survey-taker to provide the questions?!
94. Who is your crush?
I don't have one, I'm smarter than that.
95. Do you cry and throw a fit until you get your own way?
What do you mean, "until"? Has that worked for any adult human being, ever?
96. Do you have kids?
Sometimes after a big meal, I go and drop them off at the pool...
97. Do you want kids?
Thanks but no, I just ate.
98. Whats your favorite color?
Whatever color money is this month.
99. Do you miss anyone right now?
Nah, I've got really good aiming instincts.
100. Who do you wanna see right now?
Ed McMahon and the fucking Prize Patrol.
I don't sleep in my closet.
2. Do you take the shampoos and conditioner bottles from hotel?
No, I just take the janitorial staff home and wring them out over the tub.
3. Have you ever 'done it' in a hotel room?
Yes, but if you want me to tell you what it was like, it'll cost you.
4. Have you ever stolen a street sign before?
If it came with the rest of the street, then... uh... I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me.
5. Do you like to use post-it notes?
No, staplers work just fine, and the notes stay on the foreheads longer that way.
6. Do you cut out coupons but then never use them?
Nobody ever offers coupons on small-arms ammunition.
7. Would you rather be attacked by a big bear or a swarm of bees?
A big bear, please. Nobody makes bee-sized bullets.
8. Do you always smile for pictures?
Only when I've just lit the photographer on fire. So yes, most of the time.
10. What is your biggest pet peeve?
People that ask me what my biggest pet peeve is. Where did you say you live?
12. Do you ever count your steps when you walk?
No, I count your steps when I walk. Don't turn around.
13. Have you ever peed in the woods?
In the woods, on a squirrel...
14. Best question yo ever saw on a survey?
Best question yo ever saw on a survey?
15. Do you ever chew on your pens or pencils?
That's not even medically possible! Oh, sorry, I misread that.
16. How many people have you slept with this week?
Up against the wall and spread 'em, let's get the count started.
17. Do you like popcorn from those big tins?
Are you hitting on me?
18. What is your "Song of the week"?
"Onward Christian Soldier." Wait, sorry, no -- that's the Song Of The Weak. Let's start over.
19. Is it okay for guys to wear pink?
Pink what? Pink paint? A thick coating of Pepto-Bismol?
20. Favorite Fish?
Dead ones.
21. Whats your favorite scary movie?
I'm sure my family has home videos somewhere.
22. Where would you bury hidden treasure if you had some?
If I told you, it wouldn't be fucking HIDDEN anymore, now would it?!
23. What do you drink with dinner?
Liquids.
24. What do you dip a chicken nugget in?
Is this a survey or a pop quiz for retarded kids? Jesus Christ!
25. What is your favorite food/ cuisine?
Yes.
26. What movies could you watch over and over and still?
I have an eidetic memory. If I've seen it once and it was good enough to remember, I don't need a tv to watch it again, and if it sucked, I don't WANT to see it again.
27. Look! I'm deleting this one. ; )
You failed.
28. Were you ever a boy/girl scout?
No, I was a Boy Scout, though.
29. Would you ever strip or pose nude in a magazine?
If I'm wearing a magazine, I'm not nude now, am I?
30. When was the last time you wrote a letter to someone?
None of your business, Snoopy Susan!
31. Can you change the oil on a car?
Whether the owner wants me to or not.
32. Ever gotten a speeding ticket?
Never in my own car.
33. Ran out of gas?
No, I've always got gas, just never can seem to run dry.
34. Favorite kind of sandwich?
The kind that doesn't taste like shit.
35. Best thing to eat for breakfast?
A girl.
36. What is your usual bedtime?
Whenever I feel like it.
37. Are you lazy?
I don't feel like answering this question, you do it.
38. When you were a kid, what did you dress up as for Halloween?
You.
40. How many languages can you speak?
Only one -- but I speak it twice as well as you do.
41. Do you have any magazine subscriptions?
In my own name?
42.Which are better legos or Lincoln logs?
Lincoln logs. Legos don't ignite.
43. Are you mean?
How about I shove my foot up your ass and you can give me an objective fucking assessment.
44. Who is better...Leno or Letterman?
I'm sorry, at what point did there suddenly arise a meaningful difference?
45. Ever watch soap operas?
Don't ever ask me that again.
46. Afraid of heights?
No. Falling from them, on the other hand, maybe a little bit.
50. Ever use a gun?
Yes.
51. Last time you got a portrait taken by a photographer?
Do driver's license photos count?
53. Is Christmas stressful?
It can be. Depends on whether or not you decide to let the relatives live.
54. Ever eat a dog?
Yes, in fact, I have. I got it from a street vendor in Phoenix. It had mustard and relish. The bun was perfectly light and fluffy, the mustard tangy and the relish sweet, just how a dog should be.
55. Favorite type of fruit pie?
The kind that fits snugly into a slingshot and is firm enough not to disintegrate until impact.
56. Occupations you wanted to be when you were a kid?
Breeding animal.
57. Do you believe in ghosts?
I don't believe in anything that leaves behind no physical evidence of its existence. That goes for ghosts, clairvoyance, UFOs and the claim that Michael Jackson is a human.
59. Take a vitamin daily?
I've heard of Vitamin B, Vitamin C, Vitamin D... many, many vitamins. So: No, I usually forget.
60. Wear slippers?
No, and I never will unless some entrepreneurial fisherman starts harvesting dolphins to make them out of. 'Cause who could turn down Flippers?
61. Wear a bath robe?
Christ, no! What the fuck is the point of a bath robe?! If you're in the bath, you're out of the robe, and if you're in the robe you're out of the fucking bath! Jesus Christ!
62. What do you wear to bed?
A condom; your mother insists on it.
63. First concert?
No.
64. Wal-Mart, Target or KMart?
All of them, as long as this question pertains to arson.
65.Nike or Adidas?
5.11 Tactical.
66. Cheetos or Fritos?
I don't eat that junk food shit. I eat other kinds of junk food shit.
67. Peanuts or Sunflower seeds?
I could answer that question... and I'm not going to. 'Cause if I do, I'm gonna go somewhere strange and bad with it.
68. Ever hear of, "gorp"?
What's that, a new band?
69. Ever take dance lessons?
I'm white, what's the point?
71. Can you curl your tongue?
Yeah, and those of most women, too.
72. Ever won a spelling bee?
Yeah, I was the only kid there who could spell, "Howitzer."
73. Ever cried because you were so happy?
No, and neither has any other mentally stable human being.
74. Own any record albums?
Yeah, I play 'em in other peoples' CD players.
75. Own a record player?
Oh, absolutely. I was the first kid on my block to get one back in 1927.
76. Regularly burn incense?
No, I burn it in special ways.
77. Ever been in love?
I've got scars.
78. Who would you like to see in concert?
Not so much into concerts as live executions.
80. Hot tea or cold tea?
Do I look all fucking hoity-toity to you?
81.Tea or coffee?
Coffee. Java. Joe. Wake-up Juice. Fuckin' Brooklyn Breakfast, bitch.
82. Favorite kind of cookie?
Didn't we just cover this?
83. Can you swim well?
I can float.
84. Can you hold your breath w/o manually holding your nose?
Yeah, 'cause talking while holding your nose AFTER you fart just takes awkward to an entirely unnecessary level.
85. Are you patient?
HURRY UP AND GET TO THE GOOD QUESTIONS!!! HURRY UP!!!
86. DJ or band, at a wedding?
Highland Bagpipers. Playing a fucking DIRGE.
87. Ever won a contest?
Probably, knowing my luck.
88. Ever have plastic surgery?
One time I used my parents' microwave to melt an arm back onto one of my G.I. Joe action figures after I broke it off. Does that count?
89. Which are better black or green olives?
Free your mind.
90. can you knit or crochet?
Crotch-yet. Heh.
91. Best room for a fireplace?
Bathroom.
92. Do you want to get married?
I'm not suicidal.
93. Make your own question:
What kind of lazy sack of crap writes a survey question where they ask the survey-taker to provide the questions?!
94. Who is your crush?
I don't have one, I'm smarter than that.
95. Do you cry and throw a fit until you get your own way?
What do you mean, "until"? Has that worked for any adult human being, ever?
96. Do you have kids?
Sometimes after a big meal, I go and drop them off at the pool...
97. Do you want kids?
Thanks but no, I just ate.
98. Whats your favorite color?
Whatever color money is this month.
99. Do you miss anyone right now?
Nah, I've got really good aiming instincts.
100. Who do you wanna see right now?
Ed McMahon and the fucking Prize Patrol.
