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A True Canadian

SaintLucifer

SaintLucifer

beer, I want beer
After the North American Beer Festival, all the brewery presidents decided to go out for a beer. The guy from Corona sits down and says, "Hey Senor, would like the world's best beer, a Corona." The bartender dusts off a bottle from the shelf and gives it to him.

The guy from Budweiser says, "I'd like the best beer in the world, give me 'The King Of Beers', a Budweiser." The bartender gives him one.

The guy from Coors says, "I'd like the only beer made with Rocky Mountain spring water, give me a Coors." He gets it.

The guy from Molson sits down and says,

"Give me a Coke." The bartender is a little taken aback, but gives him what he ordered.

The other brewery presidents look over at him and ask, "Why aren't you drinking a Molson's?"

The Molson president replies, "Well, I figured if you guys aren't drinking beer, neither would I."
 
I Am Canadian

I am not a hacker or terrorist

I do not like Céline Dion or Shania Twain but I am glad they are getting rich.

I do know Richy and Sally from Canada, but they aren't nice as you think.

I am ruled by a rich white Prime Minister not a rich white President.

I don't know French but I can converse fluently in American...

...and I pronounce it A BOOT not a big shoe.

I can proudly sew my flag on my backpack, because even though no one realises that we are just as guilty as everyone else for the fate of the 3rd world every one blames America.

When I am at home I realise I had better not protest deforestation or sexist dictators without risking a face full of pepper spray and a criminal record.

I believe in peace-keeping, even if it means killing some molly teenagers for fun

I believe in turning back boat loads of Chinese immigrants, a failing health care system, and late night cable porn disguised as art, and that the beaver is a truly proud and a beautiful part of the female body.

I believe the French should whine about anything, and the English should apologise.

...And that is pronounced zed not zee: ZED! That is how the Queen told us how to pronounce it.

Canada is the second largest land mass in the world,

the first nation in hockey,

and the best part of the northern 3rd of America!

MY NAME IS JOE,

AND UNTIL WE ARE ADDED BY THE STATES,

I AM CANADIAN
 
Canadian Apology To The USA

On behalf of Canadians everywhere, I'd like to offer an apology to the United States of America. We haven't been getting along very well recently and for that, I am truly sorry.

I'm sorry we called George Bush a MORON. He is a MORON, but it wasn't nice of us to point it out. If it's any consolation, the fact that he's a moron shouldn't reflect poorly on the people of America. After all, it's not like you actually elected him.

I'm sorry about our softwood lumber. Just because we have more trees than you doesn't give us the right to sell you lumber that's cheaper and better than your own. It would be like if, well, say you have 10 times the television audience we did and you flood our market with great shows, cheaper than we could produce. I know you would never do that.

I'm sorry we beat you in Olympic hockey. In our defense I guess our excuse would be that our team was much, much, much, much better than yours. As a way of our apology, please accept all of our Canadian NHL teams, which one by one are going out of business and moving to your fine country.

I'm sorry about our waffling on Iraq. I mean, when you're going up against a crazed dictator, you want to have your friends by your side. I realise it took more than three years before you guys pitched in against Hitler, but that was different: Everyone knew he had weapons.

I'm sorry we burnt down your White House during the war of 1812. I see you've rebuilt it! It's very nice.

I'm sorry for Alan Thicke, Shania Twain, Celine Dion, Lover Boy, the song from Sheriff that ends with the high pitched end note, your beer. I know we had nothing to do with your beer, but we feel your pain.

And finally on behalf of all Canadians, I'm sorry that we're constantly apologising for things in a passive-aggressive way, which is really a thinly veiled criticism. I sincerely hope that you're not upset over this, because, we've seen what you do to countries with whom you get upset with. For 22 Minutes, I'm Anthony St.Joseph, I'm Canadian. And I'm sorry.
 
A train compartment had 4 people in it: two ladies, and two men, one man was American, and the other was a Canadian. At point point the train suddenly entered a tunnel. In the darkness there was a loud 'SLAP!'

When the train emerged everyone noted that the American had a big red hand mark on his face.

The first lady thought, 'that damn American must have touched that lady, and she gave him what he deserved!'

The second lady thought, 'that damn American must have touched that lady, and she gave him what he deserved!'

The American thought, 'that damn Canadian must have touched one of the ladies, and she gave him what he deserved!'

The Canadian thought, 'I hope we go under another bridge so I can slap the American again!'
 
dead_bluejay.jpg
 
CANADIANS IN HELL

Two guys from Toronto die and wake up in hell.

The next day the devil stops in to check on them and sees them dressed in parkas, mittens and toques warming themselves around the fire. The devil asks them, "What are you doing? Isn't it hot enough for you?"

The two guys reply, "Well, you know, we're from Canada, the land of snow and ice and cold. We're just happy for a chance to warm up a little bit, eh."

The devil decides that these two aren't miserable enough and turns up the heat.

The next morning he stops in again and there they are, still dressed in parkas, toques and mittens. The devil asks them again, "It's awfully hot down here, can't you guys feel it?"

Again the two guys reply, "Well, like we told ya yesterday, we're from Canada, the land of snow and ice and cold. We're just happy for a chance to warm up a little bit, eh."

This gets the devil a little steamed up and he decides to fix these two guys. He cranks the heat up as high as it will go. The people are wailing and screaming everywhere. He stops by the room with the two guys from Canada and finds them in light jackets and bucket hats, grilling sausage and drinking beer.

The devil is astonished, "Everyone down here is in abject misery, and you two seem to be enjoying yourselves."

The two Canadians reply, "Well, ya know, we don't get too much warm weather up there in Toronto so we've just got to have a cook-out when the weather's THIS nice."

The devil is absolutely furious, he can hardly see straight. Finally he comes up with the answer. The two guys love the heat because they have been cold all their lives. The devil decides to turn all the heat off in hell.

The next morning, the temperature is below zero, icicles are hanging everywhere; people are shivering so bad that they are unable to do anything but wail, moan and gnash their teeth.

The devil smiles and heads for the room with the two Canadians.

He gets there and finds them back in their parkas, toques, and mittens. NOW they are jumping up and down, cheering, yelling and screaming like mad men!!!

The devil is dumbfounded, "I don't understand, when I turn up the heat you're happy. Now it's freezing cold and you're still happy. What is wrong with you two???"

The Torontonians look at the devil in surprise, "Well, don't you know? If Hell freezes over, it must mean the Leafs have won the Stanley Cup."
 
One day an Englishman, an American, and a Canadian walked into a pub together. The proceeded to each buy a pint of Molson Canadian. Just as they were about to enjoy their beverage three flys landed in each of their pints, and were stuck in the head of the beer.

The Englishman pushed his beer away from him in disgust.

The American fished the offending fly out of his beer and continued drinking it as if nothing had happened.

The Canadian too , picked the fly out of his drink, held it out over the beer and then started yelling "SPIT IT OUT, SPIT IT OUT YOU BASTARD!!!!"
 
A first grade teacher explains to her class that she is an American. She asks her students to raise their hands if they were American too.

Not really knowing why but wanting to be like their teacher, their hands explode into the air like flashy fireworks.

There is, however, one exception. A girl named Kristen has not gone along with the crowd.

The teacher asks her why she has decided to be different. "Because I am not an American."

"Then", asks the teacher, "what are you?"

"I'm a proud Canadian," boasts the little girl.

The teacher is a little perturbed now, her face slightly red. She asks Kristen why she is a Canadian. "Well, my mom and dad are Canadians, so I'm a Canadian too."

The teacher is now angry. "That's no reason," she says loudly. "What if your mom was a moron, and your dad was a moron. What would you be then?"

A pause, and a smile. "Then," says Kristen, "I'd be an American."
 
An American decided to write a book about famous churches around the world. For his first chapter he decided to write about American churches. So he bought a plane ticket and took a trip to Orlando, thinking that he would work his way across the country from South to North.

On his first day he was inside a church taking photographs when he noticed a golden telephone mounted on the wall with a sign that read $10,000 per call". The American, being intrigued, asked a priest who was strolling by what the telephone was used for. The priest replied that it was a direct line to heaven and that for $10,000 you could talk to God. The American thanked the priest and went along his way.

Next stop was in Atlanta. There, at a very large cathedral, he saw the same golden telephone with the same sign under it. He wondered if this was the same kind of telephone he saw in Orlando and he asked a nearby nun what its purpose was. She told him that it was a direct line to heaven and that for $10,000 he could talk to God. "O.K., thank you," said the American. He then traveled to Indianapolis, Washington DC, Philadelphia, Boston, and New York. In every church he saw the same golden telephone with the same "$10,000 per call" sign under it.

The American, upon leaving Vermont saw a sign for Canada and decided to see if Canadians had the same phone. He arrived in OTTAWA, and again, there was the same golden telephone, but this time the sign under it read "10 cents per call." The American was surprised so he asked the priest about the sign. "Father, I've traveled all over America and I've seen this same golden telephone in many churches. I'm told that it is a direct line to Heaven, but in every state the price was $10,000 per call. Why is it so cheap here?"

The priest smiled and answered, "You're in Canada now son, it's a local call".
 
These questions about Canada were posted on an International Tourism Website and obviously the answers came from a fellow Canuck.

Q: I have never seen it warm on TV, so how do the plants grow? (UK)
A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die.

Q: Will I be able to see Polar Bears in the street?(USA)
A: Depends how much you've been drinking.

Q: I want to walk from Vancouver to Toronto - can I follow the railroad tracks? (Sweden)
A: Sure, it's only Four thousand miles, take lots of water.

Q: Is it safe to run around in the bushes in Canada? (Sweden)
A: So its true what they say about Swedes.

Q: It is imperative that I find the names and addresses of places to contact for a stuffed Beaver. (Italy)
A: Let's not touch this one.

Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Canada? Can you send me a list of them in Toronto, Vancouver, Edmonton and Halifax? (UK)
A: What did your last slave die of ?

Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Canada?(USA)
A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe. Ca-na-da is that big country to your North . . . oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Calgary. Come naked.

Q: Which direction is North in Canada? (USA)
A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions.

Q: Can I bring cutlery into Canada? (UK)
A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.

Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? (USA)
A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is....oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Vancouver and in Calgary, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.
 
Things Canadians are proud of...

* Smarties.
* Crispy Crunch.
* Coffee Crisp.
* The footballs and fields are bigger, and we have one less Down.
* Lacrosse is Canadian.
* Hockey is Canadian.
* Basketball is Canadian.
* The biggest flags ever seen/flown at any Olympics were Canadian... The second time it was smuggled in because they made a rule against it cause of the first time.
* Mr. Dress-up can kick Mr. Rogers ass.
* Much Music kicks MTV's ass.
* Maple syrup kicks Mrs. Butterworths ass (...don't know about Aunt Jemima though).
* Tim Horton's kicks Dunkin Donuts ass.
* Waaaay better beer commercials/contests and beer company give a ways. Example: the Molson Canadian House Party...where you get to keep the house. Trashed or not.
* In the war of 1812, we pushed the Americans so far back... passed their 'White House', burned it...and most of Washington. We got bored because they ran away so we came home and partied. Go figure.
* Canada has the largest French population that never surrendered to Germany.
* The largest English population that never ever surrendered or withdrew during any war.
* The only person who was arrested in our civil war was an American mercenary, who slept in and missed the whole thing... but showed up just in time to get caught.
* We knew plaid was cool far before Seattle caught on.
* The Hudson's Bay Company once owned over 10% of the earths surface and is still around as the worlds oldest company.
* The average dog sled team can kill and devour a full grown human in under 3 minutes.
* We still know what to do with all the parts of a buffalo.
* The Canadian Civil War was a bar fight that lasted a little over an hour.
* We don't marry our kin-folk.
* We invented ski-doos, jet-skis, velcro, zippers, the long distance and short wave radios that save countless lives each year. Oh yeah...and the handles on beer cases big enough to fit your hands with mitts on.
* We can hum the tune to 'Definition'.
* We all know that a scale that measures boiling water at 212 degrees and freezes at 32 is asinine.
* We've ALL have frozen our tongues to something metal and lived to tell about it.
* We can out drink Americans in a heart beat!!
* Our elections take only one day.
 
Life In Canada:

* Pizza gets to your house faster than an ambulance
* There are handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
* Drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
* People order double cheeseburgers, large fries and a diet coke.
* Banks leave both doors open and chain the pens to the counter.
* We leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
* We use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place.
* We buy hot dogs in packages of 12 and buns in packages of 8.
* We use the word "politics" to describe the process so well: "Poli" in Latin meaning "many" and "tics" meaning "bloodsucking creatures".
* We have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.
 
The whole plagiarism issue aside, some of those are pretty funny. Old, but funny.

For once, it's nice to see Luci post something that doesn't include a request for another male to suck his cock.
 
You know you're from Ontario when...

1. Your idea of a traffic jam is ten cars waiting to pass a tractor on the highway.
2. "Vacation" means going to Barrie/area for the weekend.
3. You measure distance in hours.
4. You often switch from "heat" to "A/C" in the same day.
5. Your grandparents drive at 65 mph through 13 feet of snow during a raging blizzard, without flinching.
6. You install security lights on your house and garage and leave both unlocked.
7. There are 7 empty cars running in the parking lot at the Canadian Tire store at any given time.
8. You design your kid's Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit.
9. Driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled with snow.
10. You know all 4 seasons: almost winter, winter, still winter, construction.

Runner ups

* You know several people who have hit deer more than once.
* You use a down comforter in the summer.
* You carry jumper cables in your car and your girlfriend knows how to use them.
* You have enough French vocabulary to get by some of the day in Ottawa without them thinking that you're a completly incapable American.
 
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