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Bachelor Facts -- TK Edition

The Question

The Question

Eternal
1. Ramen (cereal group) + 1 scrambled egg (dairy group) + 1 hot dog, diced (meat group) + 1 bag potato chips (vegetable group) + Orange Sprite (fruit group) = Complete Nutrition

2. You don't need detergent if the water's hot enough.

3. If it hasn't got insects crawling on it, it's still good.

3A. If it has got insects crawling on it, it's got extra protein.

4. Night is when you go to sleep. Morning is when you wake up.

5. Porno magazines are "the classics" when your parents/girlfriend are on the phone.

6. Porno magazines are somebody else's when your parents/girlfriend come over.

7. Milk crates and cinderblocks are "post-modern impressionist" furniture when your parents/girlfriend come over.

8. There's nothing on TV, regardless of how many channels you've got.

9. Your remote control will hurt your girlfriend's delicate hands. Protect her at all cost.

10. The only way to sober up is to get drunk in a circle.
 
The livingroom is a good place to rebuild stuff. Just throw a tarp over it before the g/f comes over.

Cuffs perminantly attached to the headboard of your bed are a good conversation starter.

Spagetti is perfect "Look I can cook" food. Throw one clove of crushed garlic (buy a piece of garlic, PEAL IT, smash it with a hammer) into whatever store bought sauce you are using. Then you can modestly tell her "Yea, it's store bought sauce, but I enhanced it!". You're modest, but tallented then. Don't show her the hammer you used.

Those girly posters in your bedroom are "fine art" if they are in a $5.00 frame.

Keep the curtans closed. All of that crap on your patio can be revealed in the 6th or later month of the relationship, if she lasts that long.
 
*Plates are unnecessary as long as you have a sink, or a trash can.
*Utensils are used for getting things out of the garbage disposal or clogged grossness in the vacuum cleaner. (For the bachelor fortunate enough to HAVE a garbage disposal OR a vacuum cleaner.)
*Shampoo costs $.99/bottle. Unless you're bald.
*No one questions "Why are you doing that?" "When are you going to throw this away?" "Are you going to wear that?" "Do you think she's pretty?" or "Do I look fat in this?"
 
Spills that occur outside normal traffic patterns do not require cleaning. Eventually they will seem like part of the linoleum design.

Garbage needs to be emptied/put out as soon as it blocks the path you make to the fridge while half-asleep.

Nothing goes bad in the fridge. That's what it's for.

You're actually not less of a man if you put what was in the can into a saucepan before putting it on the stove. But if you ever feel faggy about it, just leave the saucepan in the sink for an extra week. For extra points, leave it on the stove.

Irons are for fags. Potholders are for fags. Hampers are for fags. New shower curtains are for fags. Drapes are for fags. In fact, only fags clean the dust/dirt from the blinds you begrudgingly put up after complaints from the neighbors.

Clothes are not "dirty" until you spill something on them. And sometimes even then it's a judgement call.

Bologna is not just for children. Bologna is not just for children. Bologna is not just for children.
 
Trousers and grooming are for the outside people.

Underpants/boxer shorts are acceptable evening wear at home.

Cereal is for life, not just for breakfast.

Broom handles double as kendo sticks/lightsabers. Its good to be prepared.

Washing up after each meal is just something your mothers generation did.

Beer cans make great ashtrays
 
The litmus test for whether to move in with your girlfriend:

- Will she agree with your belief that your Star Wars collectibles deserve the prominent disply you've given them on the mantle?

- Would she care if you left the porn in the VCR?

- Would she care if you used her password to download/receive pr0n?

- Will she wait an appropriate amount of time before starting in with "I'm not your mother!"?

- Will you love her enough to give in when she starts withholding sex until you start picking up after yoruself?

- Will she put up with skid marks?
 
Sadistic Bastard said:
The livingroom is a good place to rebuild stuff. Just throw a tarp over it before the g/f comes over.

.
Click to expand...
Tarp?

The coffee table is a good place for one's toolbox...you don't have to bend over as far.

Flower vases are a good place to store rubber bands off the newspaper...they're handy for several uses.

Those silly scented candles are a good place to park one's favorate ballcaps...keeps them fresh, too.
 
^Can also be used in place of plates, tupperware containers, tv trays, something to doodle/draw on, something to hide things in (used condoms, anyone?), and if you collect enough, can be used to build a fort.
 
Buy a place that has tile floors. That way, you don't have to vacume.

If you have a costco card, you only have to go grocery shopping once every six months.

If you have to take the garbage out once every three weeks, that's once too much.
 
Leaving clothes in a pile on the floor when you go to bed is simply for convinience. As soon as we wake up, 12-14 hours later, we're getting straight back into them.
 
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