BARRY NORMAN AND THE CHRISTMAS DORITOS

[Gagh]

It's daytime - famed British DEAD film critic Barry Norman is in his local branch of Lidl looking for Christmas bargains.

BARRY
Diddly-dee doo dum diddly dee - Ohh! Eggnog!

BAG OF CHRISTMAS SPECIAL DORITOS
Oi, mate! Over here, two shelves back!

BARRY
Gosh! That sounds likes something beckoning me away from the eggnog!

Barry walks two shelves back to the end of the chips/crisps section of the supermarket

BAG OF CHRISTMAS SPECIAL DORITOS
Yo, Bazza! Check out my festive bag! There's holly, berries, mistletoe and the promise of a highly disappointing festive limited edition flavour of Doritos inside! Turkey and Stuffing flavour! Will impress the family. Pick me up Baby!

BARRY
No. Fuck that, I want the Eggnog

Barry returns and fills up the trolley with booze

EASTENDERS DRUMS BEAT, CREDITS ROLL

Don't join us next week for another complete waste of time.

 

[CaptainWacky]

IF HE THINKS HE KNOWS SO MUCH ABOUT FILMS, WHY DOESN'T HE DIRECT A JURASSIC PARK/BACK TO THE FUTURE/STAR WARS/BILL AND TED CROSSOVER WHERE NATALIE DORMER PLAYS A TIME TRAVELLING DINOSAUR TRAINING MILLENNIUM FALCON PILOTING NEW GIRLFRIEND OF BILL S. PRESTON, ESQUIRE AND GETS HER TITS OUT APPOXIMATELY EVERY EIGHTEEN SECONDS AND DANIEL BRYAN HAS A CAMEO APPEARANCE AS BIFF'S SON BOFF AND HE SAYS "NOW THAT'S WHAT I CALL A DINOSAUR!" EVERY TIME HE SEES DOC BROWN BECAUSE DOC BROWN IS REALLY OLD YOU SEE, THAT'S THE JOKE, AND ALSO THEY GO BACK TO ENDOR AND FIND THE EWOKS HAVE MUTATED AND GROWN EIGHTEEN FEET TALL BUT LUCKILY THEY'RE STILL A GREAT BUNCH OF LADS AND THE LAST THIRTY MINUTES OF THE MOVIE IS JUST ANOTHER EWOK SING-A-LONG AND THEN THE AFTER CREDITS SCENE IS MAX CLIFFORD WAKING UP IN HELL AND SATAN POINTS HIS PITCHFORK AT HIM AND SAYS "HEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEERE'S SATAN!"?

 

[Gagh]

I think it's fair to say I'd been on the Rum when I wrote this.

 

[Dr Dave]

Fair enough.

 

[Gagh]

FAIRY SNUFF?

Why do you want to kill the fairies Dr Dave? SHOW ME ON THE DOLL WHERE TINKERBELL TOUCHED YOU.

 

[Dr Dave]

ON ME BUM BY JOVE!

 

[Gagh]

NOT THE OLD JAP'S EYE, COR BLIMEY MARY POPPINS.

 

[Dr Dave]

Yes?