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Cat Cleaners Season 7: The Wedding Season

CaptainWacky

CaptainWacky

I want to smell dark matter
(JOCK walks into Cat Cleaners. The studio audience cheer.)

Jock(singing): Hi, my name is JOCK, my name is JOCK, my name is CHIKA-CHIKA Cat Cleaners!

(Studio audience explode.)

Jock: It's good to be back! We went out for a few hours! That's why I said that!

Lucy(shouting from outside): JOCK, HOLD THE DOOR FOR ME YOU LAZY PIG.

Jock: Uh oh, here comes trouble!

(He holds the door open for the HEAVILY PREGNANT Lucy. Studio audience midly boo her.)

Lucy: Did you forget that I'm pregnant and we're due to be married before I give birth so that our baby isn't born a bastard? We don't have time to waste with you not holding doors like you're told!

Jock: Not even married yet and she's whining already!

(Lucy slaps Jock hard across the face. Studio audience boo.)

Jock: The old ball and chain!

Lucy: I just want our wedding to be perfect! I've dreamed of a perfect wedding to the MAN I LOVE my entire life!

Jock: Aww! The man you love!

Lucy: Yeah, the man I love. But since you knocked me up, I have to settle for you!

(She slaps him again and storms out. DJ walks in. Studio audience cheer.)

DJ: I'm DJ, yes I'm the real DJ, so won't the real DJ please stand up, please stand up!

Jock: DJ! Good that you're here, BEST MAN. I need help with SEATING ARRANGEMENTS and FLOWER ARRANGEMENTS and ARRANGEMENT ARRANGEMENTS!

DJ: Man! I'm sure SICKS of hearing about this wedding! But I guess I have time to help you...since Maggie dumped me.

(Studio audience AWW.)

Jock: I can't believe it! She was so far! Who would have known she'd have a problem with you being bisexual! You'd think she'd be happy to have any man, even if you only half like women!

DJ: I know! Still, maybe it's because she walked in on me giving that male prostitute a BJ!

Jock: You were confused!

DJ: Yeah, but she didn't believe me. She didn't believe I had to sample eight different MALE MEMBERS to discover my true sexuality. She was so judgemental. BUT I LOVED HER.

Jock: Maybe you could date a man now!

DJ: Are you...asking me out?

Jock: Oh no! I feared this would happen when you came out as bi between seasons! Now you can't resist me! I'll have to start wearing METAL UNDERPANTS around you!

(Studio audience laugh at the idea that bisexual men are powerless against raping anyone they see.)

DJ: Haha, only joking! It is strange that I suddenly turned bi, though. Right after I drank that strange potion Uncle Mac gave me. I can't believe he's a scientist now!

Jock: Well he is! And he's working on a cure for BALDNESS right now!

(Cut to Uncle Mac feeding a strange potion to a hairless cat in a basement.)

Uncle Mac: I hope this works!

(The cut explodes. Its cutes are all over Uncle Mac's face.)

Uncle Mac: Progress!

(Cut back to Jock and DJ.)

Jock: Well, your sexuality might be strange and off-putting, but I still love you! I just hope nothing else weird happens to spoil my wedding! My relatives will be arriving soon, including my cousin Jed. He's 18, you know. And I heard a rumour he's still a virgin!

DJ: Man! Poor kid! You better help him punch his V Card while he's in town!

Jock: Of course! AS LONG AS nothing ELSE strange happens before then!

(Jock and DJ stand around for a minute waiting for something else strange to happen. Studio audience start to get bored. Finally, The Champ walks in wearing a dress!)

The Champ: Hellooooo, boys!

(Studio audience explode.)

TO BE CONTINEUD
 
(Jock and DJ stare at each other in shock then stare at The Champ in shock.)

The Champ: What you two looking at?

Jock: You're a trans...a trans...a transformer!

DJ: DRESSIMUS Prime!

(Studid audience cheer. They know what Transformers is!)

The Champ: Oh yeah, I feel comfortable wearing dresses now. What, you got a problem with that!?

Jock: It's just we've never seen you like this before...

The Champ: I just woke up one day and felt like wearing a dress. It don't make me any less of a man!

Jock: Of course not!

The Champ: And my addiction to viagra don't make me any less of a man neither!

(He pops a viagra pill as the studio audience cheer.)

DJ: We didn't say it did! You're being STIFF with us!

(Studio audience explode.)

The Champ: Where's Uncle Mac at? I'm sick of you two FOOLS.

(Uncle Mac walks in out of a trapdoor still covered in cat guts.)

Uncle Mac: Heeeeeere's Macky!

(Studio audience cheer.)

The Champ: I need more viagra, man! I only have two hundred pills left for the rest of the week!

Uncle Mac: Step into my office!

The Champ: You don't have no office!

Uncle Mac: Step into my TRAPDOOR then!

(They go down the trapdoor as the studio audience applaud for no reason.)

Lucy(shouting): I NEED A BACK MASSAGE, JOCK.

Jock: Man! Ever since she got pregnant she keeps complaining about it making her heavier and needing to pee more and throwing up and her back aching. I think she's lying! Pregnancy's probably a breeze!

DJ: You better go massage her before she slaps you again, dude.

(Jock's COUSIN JED walks in. Studio audience cheer because the actor was in The Vampire Diaries or something.)

Jed: Oh, hi cousin Jock.

Jock: Jed! So glad you made it!

Jed: But why did you want me to come so early? Your wedding isn't for a week.

DJ: Because we need you...FOR THE BACHELOR PARTY!

(Studio audience whoop and holler.)

Jed: But I hardly know you! I just left high school! We've only met four times before this! Don't you have any closer friends you can invite to this bachelor party?

Jock: Nope! Just you, DJ and possibly mad Uncle Mac and former boxing world champion The Champ. I'd invite Bricky the conman but he was murdered in an alleyway.

Jed: Uncle Mac? He used to toss lit matches onto my skin when I was a child...

Jock: Yeah, he's a character!

Jed: And which boxer?

Jock: I can't remember his real name, okay! The important thing is we get you a girlfriend!

Jed: ...what?

Jock: It'll be great!

DJ: Stick with us, kid, we're men of the world!

(The both HUG Jed.)

Jed: ...and what the fuck is a cat cleaning shop anyway?

TO BE CONTINUED
 
Jock: You know, Jed, I think it's important that you learn the family business while you're here.

Jed: Family business? You're the only person in the family who works as a cat cleaner! Because it's NUTS!

(Studio audience cheer Jed's new catchphrase.)

DJ: Here comes a customer now!

(A man walks in with a dead cat.)

Man: CAN YOU BRING MY CAT BACK TO LIFE, PLEASE?

Jed: Uhh...

(The cat starts coughing and wakes up.)

Man: You did it! Have A HUNDRED DOLLARS.

(He gives Jed a hundred dollar bill and walks out as the studio audience cheers.)

Jock: Wow, we're not even a cat resurrection family but you still saved that kitty's life! Well done, Jed!

Jed: I didn't do anything! It was just choking then it coughed up a furball...

Jock: Don't be so modest! You're...the cat whisperer!

(Studio audience cheer.)

Jed: That doesn't even...

(Lucy walks in eating a loaf of bread. Studio audience boo.)

Lucy: Stop SLACKING AROUND and make me a sandwich! But not with this loaf! With another loaf! MOVE!

(Jock walks offscreen, sad.)

DJ: Glad I'm not marrying her!

(Studio audience cheer. CUT TO The Champ and Uncle Mac in Uncle Mac's secret underground lab of evil.)

The Champ: So where the viagra at, fool?

Uncle Mac: Let me ask you first, do you plan to use that viagra to have sex with a woman...or with a man?

The Champ: Neither! I'm going to foom myself into oblivion, okay? I'm a wreck!

Uncle Mac: But are you going to foom over a woman...or a man?

The Champ: What, you think just because I wear a dress now I foom over men? Hell no, dog! I foom to women! Fat women!

Uncle Mac: Okay...well, I have some viagra for you BUT ALSO a NEW POTION that will make you EVEN HORNIER.

The Champ: GIVE ME!

(Uncle Mac hands The Champ the same potion that made a cat explode earlier. The Champ drinks it, washing down ten viagra pills. Uncle Mac waits to see if he will explode but he doesn't.)

Uncle Mac: So it only explodes cats. Interesting!

The Champ: The only thing about to explode is my boner!

TO BE CONTINUED
 
(DJ and Jed are manning Cat Cleaners.)

DJ: So Jock tells me you're still a virgin.

(Studio audience "whooooo!")

Jed: Why would he tell you that! How does he even know!

DJ: Don't worry, mandog, you don't have to be embarrassed about being a virgin.

Jed: I'm not! I'm embarrased about my idiot cousin talking about my sex life to his idiot friend?

DJ: Jock told some idiot too!?

(Studio audience laugh. Jock walks in.)

Jock: What's up, PLAYAS?

DJ: Jock! Did you take care of Lucy?

Jock: Oh, I took care of her alright...I stuff her so full of sandwiches she doesn't know what's what!

DJ: THAT'S how you treat a lady!

(They high five.)

DJ: I was just telling Jed we'll help solve his embarrassing sexual problem.

Jed: I don't have a problem!

Jock: Man, I remember all the TAIL I was getting at your age, Jed. Literally, one of the girls had a tail. She was gross. We'll help you check out of the virgin hotel, don't you worry!

Jed: The only thing I'm worried about is you two lunatics!

Jock: Thattaboy! We'll get you some tail OLD SCHOOL STYLE!

Jed: ...are you two even listening to me?

(A HOT GIRL walks into Cat Cleaners. Studio audience cheer because she's hot.)

DJ: Hey, look at her! She looks perfect for Jed's FIRST TIME!

Jed: WHAT!

DJ: ...your first time taking care of a customer!

Jed: Oh. But I already took care of that guy with the dead cat.

DJ: Yeah but you can't have sex with him!

(Studio audience whooooooo!)

Jock: Go talk to her, champ. Give her the old chat up lines!

Jed: I don't have any chat up lines...

Jock: No wonder you're VITAMIN V!

(Jock and DJ SHOVE Jed over to the girl.)

Jed: Uhh, hi, how can I help you? Do you have a cat that needs cleaned?

Girl: No, I want a pizza?

Jed: Uhh...

Jock: Oh, that's right! We're also a pizza restaurant! We make pizzas upstairs. Well, not us. Our Italian chef, Maggie!

(Maggie walks in. She is sixty years old and wearing a Super Mario cap.)

Maggie: It'sa me, Maggie-o!

(Studio audience explode.)

Jed: What is even happening here.

TO BE CONTINUED
 
DJ: I should point out that this Maggie isn't the same Maggie who dumped me for being bisexual. This is that Maggie's mother, also named Maggie. Just to avoid any confusion!

Jed: What! Now I'm even more confused!

Maggie: Hey, it a-no matter, DJ! I have-a no problemo with a you!

DJ: It's weird how you have such a strong accent but your daughter didn't have any at all, nor did she ever mention being Italian.

Maggie: Hey, that'sa because-a my family moved-a from Italy before I was a born!

Jed: Then why do you have that stupid accent?

(Studio audience boo because they already love Maggie and her accent but aren't sure what they think of this upstart Jed.)

Maggie: Hey, you no-a shouldba saying that!

Girl: Uhh, can I have a pizza or not?

Jock: Oh yeah, serve the nice girl.

Maggie: Coming right up!

(The pulls a pizza out from her skirt and hands it to girl.)

Girl: Eww, I'm not eating something that's been up your skirt!

Maggie: Don'ta be racist! It is how we carry pizzas in the old country!

Jock: Hmm, i'm not sure if I want you losing your viginity to a racist, Jed.

Girl: WHAT!

Jed: Oh for fuck's sake...

Jock: NOOPS! Sorry for embarrassing you by droping the V BOMB!

Girl: I'm leaving!

(She storms out.)

DJ: I'm glad I'm bi now!

(He grabs a man who is passing by in the street outside and pulls him into Cat Cleaners and starts making out with him as the studio audience cheer.)

Jed: What kind of people are you!

Jock: Now now, Jed, there's no need to take it out on us just because your'e cranky about not having lost your virginity yet!

Jed: I'm not! I don't care! I literally don't care!

Jock: Classic denial!

Jed: ARGH!

(Jed storms out.)

Jock: Probably gone to wank the frustration away!

(Studio audience explode. DJ looks up from the man he's been making out with.)

DJ: Yeah, I need the afternoon off, Jock.

Jock: Going to plan my bachelor party, eh? Run along, you scamp!

DJ: Uhh, sure, that's what it is...

(DJ is practially pulling the random stranger's trousers down as they walk off, their hands all over each other.)

Jock: What a character!

(Lucy walks in. She's even FATTER than ever before. Studio audience boo.)

Lucy: Jock, the baby's getting bigger and bigger inside my wonderful womb. I feel like it's about to come out! We need to get married, fast, or it'll be born a bastard! Like you were!

Jock: We can't get married until I have a bachelor party! It's the law! THE MAN LAW!

(Studio audience cheer for five minutes.)

Jock: That reminds me, I have to invite The Champ and Uncle Mac to my bachelor party. Where are they, anyway?

(CUT TO The Champ standing in the shadows in a bedroom.)

The Champ: That's it, baby...

(It's DJ's bedroom! DJ enters, making out with the random stranger. The Champ starts FOOMING in the shadows!)

The Champ: ALL FOR CHAMPY!

(UNCLE MAC is standing in EVEN MORE SHADOWS watching The Champ!)

Uncle Mac: It worked. FULL GAYNESS! HAHAHAHA!

Random Stranger: Uhh, what were all those voices?

DJ: Just the voices in your head...telling you to suck me harder!

TO BE CONTINUED
 
(Jock is looking at his watch in Cat Cleaners.)

Jock: Man, where is DJ! It's supposed to be my bachelor party tonight! He has to get back here to drive me to the strip club! AND THEN THE FUN CAN BEGIN!

(He does the Jock shuffle as the studio audience cheer. Jed looks bored.)

Jed: So how many customers do you actually get in here in a day? So far we've just had that dead cat and that girl who wanted a pizza who you scared away.

Jock: And that was a busy day!

Jed: How do you make any money?

Jock: Well...

(A blind old woman walks .)

Jock: Hello, Mrs Eggloo!

Eggloo: Hello, Jock, my young friend! I need my cat cleaned again!

(She hands over a squirrel to Jock. Studio audience laugh. She's blind!)

Jock: No problem, Mrs Eggloo! Will you be paying in cash again?

Eggloo: Of course!

(She pulls out A THOUSAND BUCKS and hands it to Jock. Studio audience cheer the money.)

Eggloo: Here you go. Ten dollars. Such reasonable rates! Well, goodbye!

(She leaves.)

Jock: ...and THAT'S how we make money!

(Jock "makes it rain" with the money over Jed's head as the studio audience sing "go Jock, it's your birthday!")

Jed: But...you just conned a blind woman out of money!

Jock: Ah, come on. She's rich. Gets lots of money for being blind from Obama Care, probably! THANKS OBAMA!

Jed: ...you are fucking repulsive.

(Jock is playing air guitar and not listening.)

Jock: Man, DJ better get here soon. Those strippers aren't going to strip themselves! Oh, wait, they are. That's what strippers do.

(Lucy walks in to boos.)

Lucy: A strip club? You are NOT going to a strip club. I'm a feminist...

(Studio audience boo loudly.)

Lucy: ...and I'm against strip clubs. That means when we get married, you'll be a feminist too so you CANNOT go to a strip club!

(She storms out.)

Jock: This is why I need meninism!

(Studio audience cheer.)

Jed: Guess your bachelor party is cancelled then. Just like this show should be.

Jock: If I can't go to the strip club...the strip club can come to me! I'll tell Lucy I'm working the night shift tonight. Then DJ can come over with some strippers for SEXY TIME!

Jed: Yeah, sure seems like DJ cares about you...

(CUT TO DJ kicking the man out of his bed.)

DJ: Well, that was fun, BUT GET OUT NOW. I'm bisexual, I don't settle down! I don't make commitments! Not even for a few hours! GET OUT OF MY HOUSE!

Man: Aaaaah!

(The man runs away. THE CHAMP walks out of the shadows.)

The Champ: Hey, man, don't get so mean to that kid! He was good in bed!

DJ: What are you doing here?!

The Champ: I was just fooming to you. What's it to you?

DJ: You sick pervert! I might be bisexual, but that doesn't mean I want you watching!

(DJ PUNCHES The Champ and knocks him down!)

The Champ: Oh no! Turning into a gay cross-dresser means...I've lost my boxing skills!

TO BE CONTINUED
 
(Jock and Jed are sitting alone in Cat Cleaners late at night.)

Jed: ...why is there even a night shift, anyway?

Jock: I've had JUST ABOUT ENOUGH of you pointing out plot hole, Jed!

Jed: Well go to bed then. Because DJ ain't coming!

(The door to Cat Cleaners springs open and DJ jumps in wearing a party hat.)

DJ: Did somebody say "IT'S PARTY TIIIIIIIME"?

(Studio audience wooooooooooo!)

Jed: No! No one did!

Jock: Finally! Did you bring the whores? I mean strippers! Although...what's the difference, really!

DJ: Sure did!

(TEN SEXY STRIPPERS walk into Cat Cleaners to STRIPPING MUSIC doing POLE DANCES on some POLES that have been set up in Cat Cleaners somehow!)

DJ: And also your favourite uncle!

Jock: Uncle Phil from Fresh Prince? I thought he died!

DJ: No, this guy!

(UNCLE MAC comes riding in on a mini scooter.)

Uncle Mac: WHERE THE HOS AT!

Jock: What about the only other male friend I have, The Champ?

DJ: Sad story there. He's down at the gym punching bags. Turns out ever since he turned into a gay girly man he's lost his boxing skills! He's trying to get them back.

Jock: Oh well, I hate him anyway.

(Studio audience laugh. Jock dances with a stripper.)

Jock: You're a great dancer!

Stripper: You too, honeypoo.

Jock: No one's ever called me honeypoo before!

Stripper: Not even the girl you're supposed to be marrying?

Jock: She mostly calls me MANPIG.

Stripper: Why you marrying her?

Jock: Because I knocked her up!

Stripper: Figures! You seem like the kind of man who could knock up a woman, if you know what I mean...

Jock: I don't!

Stripper: I mean I want to have sex with you.

Jock: RUH ROH! It's not me you should be sexing! It's my virgin cousin, Jed!

Stripper: Him? He looks underage.

Jock: So you won't do him then?

Stripper: I'll do him for free!

(Studio audience cher. Jock walks over to Jed.)

Jock: Well Jed, turns out you're FINALLY going to get luck!

Jed: What?

Jock: That whore stripper over there said she'd do you for free! Now's your chance TO BECOME A MAN!

Jed: I don't want to have sex with her.

(Studio audience boo.)

Jock: Oh come on! She's hot! She's willing! She's a stripper! See the things she's doing to that pole? That could be your big metal cock!

Jed: She seems very nice, but I don't want to have sex with her.

Jock: You got a girl back home you waiting for?

Jed: Nope.

Jock: Oh, ooooh! NOW I get it! The reason you won't have sex with any girl I hand to you on a plate. The reason you don't seem interested in girls at all, not even strippers. You're GAY! I get it now! No need to be embarrassed! DJ's part queer and I still like him! I'll see you up with a nice boy...

Jed: NO YOU FUCKING WON'T.

Jock: Okay, you're not gay, no need to be homophobic.

Jed: I don't want you to set me up with anyone, okay? I'm not gay. I like girls. I just don't want to have sex with some random stranger my insane cousin points me towards. OKAY?

Jock: So you're...asexual?

Jed: FUCKING HELL.

(He storms off. Studio audience boo.)

DJ: Hey, I'm asexual.

Jock: Really?

DJ: Yeah...a sexual beast!

(Studio audience explode.)

DJ: And I've got one more surprise for your birthday party, Jock...

(PAMELA ANDERSON walks into Cat Cleaners. Studio audience cheer for a full five minutes.)

Pamela: Hello boys!

Jock: P...P...P...P...PAMELA ANDERSON!?

(Jock faints!)

TO BE CONTINUED
 
(THE CHAMP is punching a PUNCHBAG at his GYM.)

The Champ: Man I can't punch no more! I'm too gay to be a boxer! But I don't want to go back to being straight. I love cock too much!

(LUCY walks in.)

Lucy: Oh, hi, The Champ. I just came here to get away from Jock. I can't even stand sleeping in the bed we share together anymore. I just hate men so much. Heterosexual men.

The Champ: Hey, me too. Because they won't sleep with me!

(He starts punching the punchbag LIKE A REAL MAN AGAIN.)

The Champ: That hatred has made me strong! Thanks, Lucy! Uncle Mac told me there's going to be a bachelor party at Cat Cleaner's by the way. Maybe I'll swing by.

Lucy: What? I'LL KILL THEM!

(Cut back to Cat Cleaners. DJ empties a bucket of cold water over Jock. He wakes up.)

Jock: DJ! I had the strangest dream! Pamela Anderson was here, the most beautiful woman in the world!

Pamela: Well, maybe in the top five!

(Studio audience cheer.)

Jock: Pammie! You're real! But how! DJ! How did you get this vision of beauty to come here?

DJ: Paid her ten thousand bucks!

Jock: Where did you get ten thousand bucks from?

DJ: That old blind lady!

Jock: Ooooooh! She's a sucker!

DJ: Sure is!

Pamela: Uhh, I am on the clock here...

Jock: Oh, right. Well, I'll have a blowjob, please!

Pamela: What!

Jock: Well, I assume you're here to service me sexually. Get to it!

Pamela: No! Eww! This is just a paid personal appearance!

Jock: Not even a handjob?

Pamela: You're a pig!

(Lucy walks in.)

Lucy: HE SURE IS.

(Studio audience OOOOOOOOOOOOH!)

Jock: Oh, come on! It's my bachelor party! It only happens once a year!

Lucy: I'LL KILL YOU!

(She runs towards Jock but then stops.)

Lucy: My waters just broke! I'm having this baby now!

Jock: And we're not married yet! It'll be born a bastard and we won't get free money from Obama! THANKS OBAMA!

(Uncle Mac looks up from the stripper he's been making out with.)

Uncle Mac: Wait, Pamela Anderson is here? The ultimate woman? Then it's time to put my plan into motion!

(Uncle Mac presses a button. TRAPDOORS open underneath Jock, DJ, Lucy, Pamela and Jed. They all fall into Uncle Mac's underground science lab!)

Jed: What's going on!

Uncle Mac: It's simple. I'm gonig to repopulate the human race...with a GENETICALLY SUPERIOR RACE!

Jed: He's a fucking Nazi!

Lucy: I'm in a lot of pain!

TO BE CONTINUED
 
Uncle Mac: Hahahaha...AAAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Lucy: Seriously I'm giving birth here stop looking at Uncle Mac and help me!

(Everyone ignores Lucy.)

DJ: Is it true, Uncle Mac? Are you a Nazi? Because I watched Indiana Jones and those guys were jerks!

Jokc: He can't be a Nazi, he isn't wearing an armband!

Uncle Mac: I'm not a Nazi! I can't even speak German! Nein! No, I'm just a crazed scientist who will make the world a better place! Don't you see? The Earth is being destroyed by over-population! The only solution is to STERILISE most of the human race!

DJ: But how!

Uncle Mac: By TURNING THEM GAY!

(Stuido audience OOOOOOOH! The plotlines are finally converging!)

Jed: What the fuck am I even listening to.

(Uncle Mac hits Jed over the head with a plank of wood, knocking him out. Studio audience cheer.)

Jock: I don't get it!

Uncle Mac: Haven't you noticed that The Champ and DJ have both turned GAY recently?

DJ: Hey, I'm bi! I'm getting a semi looking at Pamela Anderson right now!

Uncle MC: That's because I gave you an EARLY VERSION of the formula. It only turned you bi, not all the way gay. Then I refined the formula and tested it on The Champ but it turned him into a transexual! So I refined it YET AGAIN and it turned The Champ FULLY GAY and he masturbated to you in bed with another man while I watched!

DJ: Eww!

Pamela Anderson: But why only test it on black people? You ARE a Nazi!

Uncle Mac: No! I tested it on DJ and The Champ because I knew they are not a part of the one bloodline I want to save...MY bloodline. My family bloodline! Myself, Jock and I guess Jed if I didn't just kill him, will remain hetero and will restart the human race! WITH PAMELA ANDERSON!

Jock: Err, I think Lucy's having my baby right now!

Lucy: I am!

Uncle Mac: Oh yeah, that too. But all future babies will come from Pammie's vajayjay!

Pamela Anderson: Uhh, I'm not having any more babies. I must be like fifty! SCRIPT NOTE LOOK UP PAMELA'S AGE ON WIKIPEDIA. Oops, I don't think I was supposed to say that part!

Uncle Mac: Then I'll invent a machine that de-ages you! NOTHING CAN STOP ME.

DJ: What about The Champ? He must be mad that you've ruined his life by turning him gay!

Uncle Mac: He's fine!

(Uncle Mac turns on a tv that's in the lab. It's showing The Champ in a LIVE BOXING MATCH with a white guy. The Champ has just knocked him out!)

The Champ: I'd like to dedicate my victory TO BEING GAY!

Lucy: Wait, I just talked to him like an hour ago. How did he manage to get a boxing match and get it televised so quickly?

Uncle Mac: Slept his way to the top!

Lucy: What does that even mean! And oh yeah, the baby just came out.

(Jock covers his eyes.)

Jock: I don't want to look! I don't want to see that the baby isn't mine! What if it's black or Asian or a robot or a cat? Then it can't be mine! I don't want to know that!

DJ: But you hate her and don't want to be stuck in a loveless marriage!

Jock: Oh yeah! I hope it's a black Asian robot cat!

(He opens his eyes. The baby is white and looks exactly like Jock.)

Jock: Damn it! But hey, at least it's a boy...and quite the boy at that!

Lucy: That's the umbilical cord.

(Studio audience explode at this joke that's never been done on any tv show ever before.)

Uncle Mac: ENOUGH! And now for the final stage of my plan, transmitting my gay virus WORLDWIDE...through CATS!

(He pulls back a curtain to reveal a GIANT TEST TUBE stuffed full of cats. Jed wakes up.)

Jed: Fuck's sake.

TO BE CONTINUED
 
Lucy: What are you going to do with those cats, you fiend!

Uncle Mac: The cats now carry the gay virus. They will be sent out into the world and EXPLODE IN FIREBALLS that will make the gay virus AIRBORNE!

Lucy: Will they die!?

Uncle Mac: No, they'll survive expoding in fireballs. YOU STUPID BITCH.

Jock: Hey! She's the mother of my child, apparently. Don't call her a "you"!

Uncle Mac: Soon she will be a lesbian like every woman not in our bloodline, other than Pamela Anderson who I'll give the cure too...wait, where is she?

DJ: She ran away while we were talking about exploding cats!

Uncle Mac: Then I need a new woman for my family to breed with...

(MRS EGGLOO walks in.)

Egglo: How about...me?

(Studio audience cheer.)

Jock: Get out of here, Eggloo! I know you're a blind old woman, but now you're in an evil science lab!

Eggloo: Or AM I...

(The whips her dark glasses off revealing she has WORKING EYES. And then she pulls her wrinkly old face off revealing that it was just a mask and she's a HOT WOMAN underneath. Studio audience cheer. She pulls out a gun and points it at Mac.)

DJ: She's packing! In more ways than one! I mean because she has a gun and also breasts.

Eggloo: I'm actually AGENT EGGLOO, FBI! And I'm shutting you down, Mac! We've been following you since we found Bricky dead in an alley!

Uncle Mac: No women can ever stop me!

(She shoots him in the chest.)

Eggloo: I am no woman. I'm a LADY!

(Studio audience cheer this nonsensical catchphrase.)

Jock: He's dead! Just because he was going to wipe out the human race through enforced homosexuality!

Eggloo: Oh he's not dead. I shot him in the knockout area of the chest. We don't want him dead. We want him working with us...on a gayness gas that only works on MUSLIMS.

(Studio audience cheer and start chanting "USA, USA!")

Jock: Uhh, so if you were only pretending to be a mad old blind lady...why did you let me rip you off for nearly forty thousand dollars?

Eggloo: To maintain my cover! Besides, the FBI gives us a hundred thousand dollars to spend on every mission so it's okay! But I WILL take that giant test tube of cats as payment!

Jock: I think I'm in love!

DJ: Well, Mac's going away, the world isn't turning gay, Lucy had the baby I guess and The Champ is boxing again. All the loose ends are tied up!

Jock: But not the most important one of all! We need to solve the problem of Jed's virginity!

Jed: ...AAAAAAAAAARGH!

TO BE CONTINUED
 
Lucy: Wait a minute! You haven't tied up ALL the loose ends apart from Jed's virginity!

Jock: I can't think of any others!

Lucy: We're not married yet you fucking moron.

Jock: Oh! OH! And my parents are due to arrive...RIGHT NOW!

(Jock's parents walk in. Studio audience explode. It's the actor who plays Jock but with a beard to play his dad and wearing a dress to play his mom! Using split screen special effects!)

Jock: Mom, you look so hot!

Jock Mom: Don't get any ideas!

Jock Dad: Where's the fat pregnant slut you're marrying...

Jock: Dad you can't talk about her like that! She's not pregnant anymore!

DJ: But who's going to peform the ceremony now that Uncle Mac is imprisoned by the government!

Jock Mom: They finally locked my brother Mac up? Did they find the dead hookers?

DJ: No he was going to turn the entire world gay using gas!

Jock Mom: Oh, he's been trying to do that for fifty years. Give him a break!

Jock Dad: So Jed, you still a gay sissy virgin?

Jed: AAAAAARGH! What is with you people!

Jock Dad: We'll make a man out of you...you can have a go on Lucy after Jock! She won't mind!

(Lucy slaps Jock's dad. Studio audience boo.)

Jock: Lucy, he's a harmless old man! He doesn't know any better! In his day, people shared their wives all the time!

Jock Mom: Ain't that the truth!

Lucy: I don't want to marry you anymore, Jock. I don't want to be WITH YOU anymore either. I'm leaving and I'm taking MY baby with me. You're a lousy human being and you'd be a terrible father. Goodbye FOREVER!

(She storms out. Jock stands there in disbelief for a minute.)

Jock: Well...looks like we don't have to have a wedding now!

DJ: SCORE!

(Jock and DJ high five.)

Jock Dad: You mean we came all this way for nothing? Boy, you're in for a whoopin'!

(He takes his belt off and his trousers fall down. Studio audience laugh for a full five minutes.)

Jock Dad: Where am I? Why am I holding a belt? Why are my legs cold?

Jock: That's my senile dad!

(Studio audience peform ritual sacrifices in Jock's name.)

TO BE CONCLUDED
 
(DJ and Jed are waving goodbye to Jock's parents.)

DJ: Come and visit again soon!

(They leave.)

DJ: ...you racist bastards!

(Studio audience cheer.)

Jed: I can't believe what they said about Obama!

DJ: I can't believe what they said about Kanye!

Jed: Maybe you're not so bad, DJ.

DJ: Maybe you're still a virgin!

(Studio audience explode.)

DJ: I'm kidding! My bisexuality has worn off, so now I only feel HALF as horny as I did before.

Jed: I don't think that's how bisexuality works...

DJ: Hey, I'm the one with experience of being a bisexual. If I wanted to know what being a virgin was like, I'd ask you!

Jed: URGh!

(Jed storms out.)

DJ: Well, I guess I'm on my own now. I can't believe Jock finally got PAMELA ANDERSON into bed!

(CUT TO Jock in bed with someone. It is dark but it's clearly just a black male in a blonde wig.)

Jock: I can't believe I just had sex with Pamela Anderson! And the sex was the best I ever had in my life! I don't miss Lucy at all!

(The man rolls over revealing, obviously, THE CHAMP in a blonde wig.)

The Champ: You're MY BITCH now, catboy!

Jock: NOOOOOOOOOOOO...

(CUT TO Lucy sitting crying to herself somewhere. Her baby is in a baby carrying device or something. Jed walks up and sits next to her.)

Jed: I'm sorry things didn't work out with my crazy cousin. But it's probably for the best...

Lucy: I don't know why I'm crying. I've been angry at Jock the last night months. Like ridiculously angry. I knew what he was like. What was I thinking? Why did I think it would work with him? I was acting like a character from a sitcom. Yet it all changed when I had that baby. Now I feel like a normal person again...

Jed: A normal...beautiful person...

(Lucy and Jed look each other in the eyes. Suddenly they are kissing. Someone is watching from behind some bins. It's Bricky! He has a bandaged up stab wound. He sings to himself softly.)

Bricky(singing): Where do we go from here...

THE END?
 
TV By The Numbers reports that Cat Cleaners is "on the bubble" for cancellation. We're trying to save it by getting #CatsWon'tCleanThemselves! trending, but you can't have apostrophes in hashtags so it isn't working. :(
 
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