Cat Cleaners season 8: Cat Cops

[CaptainWacky]

(Jock and DJ walks into Cat Cleaners. Studio audience cheer. Jock has a beard now. DJ is wearing a "voting's for chumps" t-shirt.)

Jock: I can't believe we're back at Cat Cleaners!

DJ: ...why not? We only went out to get some LUCKY BURGERS.

(He holds up a bag of lucky burgers and the studio audience cheer this popular brand of burger.)

Jock: I know, it's just something I say sometimes when we walk in here.

DJ: Hey look, here comes a customer!

(An ENGLISH MAN walks in. We know he's English because he's wearin a TOP HAT and a MONACLES. His cat is in a cat carrier shaped like THE TOWER OF LONDON and looks like a snooty English cat. Studio audience laugh at him before he even speaks.)

English Man: Hello, chaps! Might I BOTHER you to clean my cat, please? Jolly good!

Jock: Sure! But we take payment in advance. TEN DOLLARS.

English Man: Bloody Hell, what a bargain! Here you go, pip pip!

(He hands a ten dollar bill to Jock. DJ quickly shines a torch on it. Jock and DJ look at each other then nod. Both pull out GUNS and jump the counter. They point the guns at the English man.)

DJ: FREEZE, PUNK!

English Man: What the sodding bollocks is going on!

Jock: You're passing COUNTERFEIT BILLS, perp! You're under arrest!

English Man: Darn! But on what authority do two cat cleaners arrest me?

(Jock and DJ look at each other.)

Jock and DJ: We're the CAT COPS!

(The new opening theme song plays over the new opening credits. It's basically the words "CAT COPS, CAT COPS, WHAT YOU GONNA DO WHEN THEY COME FOR YOU?" repeated fifty times. We see the credits for the regular cast members Jock, DJ, Lucy, Uncle Mac and The Champ plust mysterious NEW cast member LADY SCORN who is a sixty year old woman in a BUSINESS SUIT.)

English Man: ...yes, but what the bloody NHS is a Cat Cop?

DJ: We're undercover cops, okay? Posing as regular, every day cat cleaners. It's something new the cops are trying out, to reward us after we got The Champ locked up for sex trafficking!

English Man: Yes, I heard about that on the telly! That notorious boxer chap, The Champ! How did you manage to catch him?

Jock: Because he was sex trafficking my uncle!

(Studio audience explode.)

English Man: Now look, it's only a tenner, you don't have to tell your superiors about this...

DJ: That depends...

Jock: YEAH, CRIM, THAT DEPENDS.

(Jock kicks the shit out of English guy as the studio audience cheer.)

DJ: ...what are you doing?

Jock: Playing good cop bad cop, duh!

DJ: He's bleeding from the ears...

Jock: Probably because of that National Health Service the Brits have!

(Studio audience cheer this ignorant xenophobia.)

DJ: As I was saying, that depends on if YOU will help US take down the person you're working for...and we know who that is.

English Man: No! Not her! I can't cross...LADY SCORN!

TO BE CONTINUED

 

[CaptainWacky]

Jock: ...who?

DJ: Yeah that name means nothing to us so doesn't work as a dramatic reveal.

English Man: I can't tell you! She'll burn my testicles off!

Jock: You'll do what we say, scum. Otherwise we'll have you send down for FIFTY YEARS, punk!

English Man: Fifty years for giving you one fake ten dollar bill? And how come you said you know who I'm working for then didn't know who Lady Scorn is?

DJ: Oh, we thought you were working for Bricky.

Jock: Or Uncle Mack.

English Man: ...I have absolutely no idea who those people are.

Jock: Luck you! They're pure evil. Uncle Mack once tried to turn the entire world gay through a disease spread by cats! And Bricky kissed my ex!

(Lucy walks in.)

Lucy: Did somebody say my name?

(Studio audience boo.)

Jock: Oh, great, she's back to take more of my stuff!

Lucy: I own HALF this place, okay? NEVER FORGET THAT.

DJ: It's weird, though. You two were never actually married And yet you still own half the shop and take half of Jock's money!

Lucy: MY LAWYER explained it to me and it made sense, but you two DUMMIES wouldn't understand. Now...why do you have a man handcuffed and badly beaten in a shop which is HALF MINE?

Jock: Uhh...it's a video game thing!

DJ: Yeah!

Lucy: Oh. Being a girl I don't understand video games, so I guess I'll take your word for it.

English Man: Seems like you two have a complicated relationship.

Jock: Me and Lucy? Not really. Pretty straightforward, really. We nearly got married so now she owns half the shop even though that makes no sense. Simple!

DJ: Well, there is the business with the baby...

Lucy: What, you mean the fact that I agree to be a surrogate for my best friend Beth Cassel, but then I suffered a head wound and completely forgot about it due to amnesia, assumed the baby was Jock's and agree to marry him as a result? Then Beth came back from her nine month trip to Australia and took her baby from me, leaving a void in my heart which I try to fill with Jock's money? That thing?

DJ: I meant the dancing baby from Ally McBeal!

(Studio audience cheer this obscure reference.)

Jock: That Beth's a bitch. Still, at least we don't have parental responsibilities now!

DJ: And you're still free to play video games with me!

(They high five as the studio audience cheer.)

Lucy: Urgh, men!

(She walks out. Someone in the studio audience shouts "GOOD RIDDANCE" as she goes.)

English Man: Look, do you still want me to go undercover with Scorn?

Jock: Yes! We do! Now! Go and tape record her admitting to being a criminal mastermind!

English Man: And you promise you'll clean my cat if I do it?

DJ: Sure!

English Man: Okay then!

(The words "THE NEXT DAY" appear on screen. Jock and DJ are wathcing the news.)

News Reader: And in lighter new, an English Man was found DEAD today outside the tea shop of noted tea saleswoman Lady Scorn!

DJ: Maybe it was a a different English man...

(We see a close up of the English Man lying dead with his guts all over the sidewalk.)

DJ: ...oh.

TO BE CONTINUED

 

[Dr Dave]

Ah ha!

 

[CaptainWacky]

(Jock and DJ look worried as they sit in Cat Cleaners.)

DJ: What have we done! We got that English guy killed! I know he was only English, but he was still human!

Jock: Maybe he died of an unrelated illness! He could have had exploding gut syndrome, you don't know, man!

(An attractive but STERN woman enters the shop. Studio audience boo right away because they've been conditioned to hate strong women.)

Jock: Oh shizzle, it's Captain Tinplate, the police captain!

Tinplate: YOU TWO...

DJ: Hit the deck!

Jock: ...why?

DJ: In case she throws bullets at us!

Jock: Good point!

(They both hit the deck!)

Tinplate: I can see the two of you down there! What the HECK were you thinking sending an English guy into such a dangerous situation?

DJ: It's our first day!

(Studio audience cheer this joke stolen from The Simpsons.)

Tinplate: It's not! It's your forty fifth! And you won't see a forty sixth if you don't give me an explanation soon! I knew I shouldn't have let you two become cops! Officer Drunkel vouched for you after you went rat on The Champ, but he's a drunken Irish guy and he's in hospital with alcohol disease! I could FIRE your asses if I wanted to!

Jock: Look, we didn't think his life was in danger. And it is possible he could have had Exploding Gut Syndrome...

Tinplate: Hmm...maybe.

DJ: Wait that's a real thing?

Jock: Sssssh!

(Studio audience explode.)

Tinplate: Well I'll give you two ONE MORE CHANCE to redeem yourselves as cops. You have to bring in Lady Scorn! What information did you get on her criminal enterprises from the English guy?

DJ: Uhh...

Jock: We forgot to ask anything before he died?

(Tinplate slaps them both in the face.)

Tinplate: Just bring in Scorn OR IT'LL BE YOUR ASSES.

(The storms out just as Uncle Mac walks in. He's wearing a sweater and looks almost normal.)

Uncle Mac: Hi, boys.

Jock: Uncle Mac! DJ, don't say anything to trigger him!

DJ: I wasn't going to, gosh! I know better than to trigger an abuse survivor! Anyway, I have a dentist's appointment, I have to get. I don't want to get caught in traffic.

Uncle Mac: Traffic. Like...SEX TRAFFIC?

(Uncle Mac falls on the ground having a panic attack. Studio audience laugh.)

Jock: Now look what you've done!

DJ: Oops! Hey, what's this?

(Something has fallen out of Mac's pocket. DJ reads it as Mac continues to have a panic attack, showing no concern for Mac's privacy.)

DJ: It's a visiting order from the prison...to visit The Champ!

(Studio audience "OOOOOOOOOH!" Meanwhile Lucy is in the back room where the dirty cats are kept. BRICKY walks in. Studio audience boo.)

Bricky: Well, have you got the money yet?

Lucy: Not yet, okay! Give me more time!

Bricky: You don't GOT more time! You get me MY CASH MONEY or I tell Jock what you did to his cousin Jed! BIATCH!

(Bricky storms out. Lucy starts crying. The studio audience yawn.)

TO BE CONTINUED

 

[CaptainWacky]

(Uncle Mac has gone to visit The Champ in prison. He walks by some of the other cons in the visitor room. Some of them check him out. Studio auidence laugh. Finally Uncle Mac sits down at a table where The Champ is waiting.)

The Champ: So you came then, PUNKLE Mac. Didn't think you'd have the balls!

Uncle Mac: I'll leave as soon as you trigger me, so watch your mouth, The Champ! I still haven't forgiven you for selling my body!

The Champ: So you're keeping it up, huh?

Uncle Mac: What, my cock? With the help of my Super Viagra, yes.

(Studio audience hoot and holler.)

The Champ: Don't play games with me! You're still keeping up the LIE that I sold your body!

Uncle Mac: What! But you did! I woke up in bed with some old woman and you were standing above me counting money! What other explanation can there be?

The Champ: You crazy fool! Do you actually remember me selling your body?

Uncle Mac: Well, no...strangely I don't remember anything about that day after I took ten of my Super Viagra pills.

The Champ: That's because Super Viagra causes amnesie, you forgetful fool!

Uncle Mac: It does? I don't remember that!

(He takes out a bottle of Super Viagra and reads the label.)

Uncle Mac: "Causes super amnesia..." How about that! I guess I must pop a pill to get my hard on right after I read that lable every time so I forget what it said! What a useless warning!

The Champ: So you see? I didn't sex traffic you! That old woman was some ho you picked up at an old person bar! I was counting money because I'm ALWAYS counting money. I'm a bigshot!

Uncle Mac: Huh. Well...sorry?

The Champ: Sorry? I'm facing A HUNDRED YEARS in prison! I might not live that long! But it's not just your fault. You're dumb nephew and his hot black dumb friend, they're the ones who reported me to the filth. Why did they do that?

Uncle Mac: I don't know! But I know they're cops now. CAT cops. They have a song and everything. It's awful.

The Champ: You got to get me out of here, Mac!

Uncle Mac: By tellin the police that you didn't sex traffic me?

The Champ: No...with a good old fashioned PRISON BREAKOUT!

Uncle Mac: ZOINKS!

TO BE CONTINUED

 

[CaptainWacky]

(Jock and DJ are in Cat Cleaners just sitting around, not doing any police work or even cleaning any cats.)

Jock: Oh, hey, how did it go at the dentist? I forgot to ask!

(Studio audience laugh.)

DJ: I got ten teeth out!

Jock: Oh now! But, wait, your mouth looks normal.

DJ: Well, yeah, I had them put back in again.

(Studio audience laugh.)

Jock: But why!

DJ: I find my dentist hot and want to spend time with her!

(Studio audience "WOOOOOOO!")

Jock: Ask her out on a date!

DJ: I can't, she's married to my brother X!

Jock: Oh! How is X, anyway?

DJ: His teeth have never been cleaner!

(Studio audience laugh.)

Jock: So, how are we going to take down Lady Scorn and her evil criminal empire which we assume exists?

DJ: Maybe she'll just walk right in here! Wouldn't that be funny!

(The door opens and LADY SCORN walks in. Studio audience cheer because the actress was in Big Bang Theory or 2 Broke Girls or some shit.)

Jock: GULP!

Scorn: Are you okay, young man?

Jock: Uhh, sure. Just swallowed some flies. Silly me!

Scron: You mustn't eat flies! They'll fly out of your pee pee and it will feel weird!

Jock: Uhh...

(He and DJ turn away from her.)

DJ: She's educationally sub-normal! It should be easy to arrest her!

Jock: She's even dumber than me! Let's BUST HER ASS!

DJ: But we need to get her to confess to a crime first.

Jock: That's good solid police thinking, DJ!

(They turn back around.)

Scorn: That was odd! Anyway, I'm here to get my dog cleaned.

DJ: We only clean cats here. We can't clean a dog, that would be against THE LAW. You don't break THE LAW, do you?

Scorn: Heavens, no! I'm so sorry! And it seems I forgot to bring my dog with me!

Jock: That is silly of you! Maybe it ran away from you for some reason...

Scorn: What? No! Why would my Fluffy Wuffy do that?

Jock: Maybe if he witnessed you selling drugs or something...

Scorn: No! Never!

Jock: Oh, oka...

Scorn: There's never any witnesses when I sell drugs.

Jock: Uhh...what.

Scorn: Just like there were no witnesses when I had my boys gut that English guy and leave him dead in the street. I know the two of you are Cat Cops. I came by here to see if you were as stupid as he made you sound. You're even worse. You don't have a thing on me. You're not even secretly tape recording me. Go after me again and I'll end you. I'll kill your friends. I'll kill your families. I'll burn this fucking shop to the ground. And then, when all hope is lost, when you have nothing left...I'll slit your fuckdamn throats.

(She turns and walks out. Studio audience boo.)

DJ: Uhh...that took a turn!

(DJ pulls a wacky face and the studio audience laugh.)

Jock: I think I pooped my pants! No, wait, I just sat on a candy bar. But still, that was scary! What are we going to do!

(Lucy walks in. Studio audience boo.)

Lucy: I'll tell you what you can do. It's obvious you can't beat Lady Scorn. And as the old saying goes, if you can't beat them, JOIN THEM.

DJ: You mean...

Lucy: That's right. You have to go and work for Scorn. You have to become DIRTY CAT COPS.

(Studio audience "OOOOOOOOH!")

TO BE CONTINUED

 

[CaptainWacky]

(The Champ is in the prison yard. TEN NAZIS walk up to him.)

Lead Nazi: Hey, I heard you were some black boxer.

The Champ: What gave it away? The fact that I'm black of the fact that I'm wearing boxing gloves?

(Studio audience laugh because he IS black and improbably he IS wearing boxing gloves!)

Lead Nazi: Brad told me!

Brad The Nazi: Hi I'm Brad.

The Champ: You'll bad DAD when I'm finished with you.

Brad: I don't follow.

The Champ: I beat my Dad to death!

Lead Nazi: Yeah, well you won't be beating us to death!

The Champ: Just leave me alone, you crazy damn fools! I was the world boxing champion of the whole world for TEN YEARS. I deserve respect! Suckas!

Lead Nazi: Wait, do you think we have a problem with you?

The Champ: Yes!

Lead Nazi: We don't! Look, The Nazis aren't reacist anymore. We moved away from that in 2013. No, we want you to WORK for us. There's some Mexicans we want you to beat up...

The Champ: Thought you weren't racist?

Lead Nazi: Oh, we don't need them beaten up because they're Mexicans. It's because they took our seats in the dining hall!

The Champ: Those jerks! But how about instead of doing that, we just break out of here instead?

Lead Nazi: That works too!

The Champ: I'll let you guys know when I need you...then we get out of here and find the person who framed me for sex trafficking...and punch them!

Lead Nazi: And kill them! WHITE POWER! BLACK POWER! See, we're inclusive!

(The Nazis walk away doing Nazi salutes as the studio audience applaud them. The Champ goes back to his cell. A prison guard hands him a package.)

Prison Guard: Here's a present your friend Uncle Mac sent.

The Champ: Thanks, dude!

(After the guard leaves he opens the present. It's a cake. The Champ EATS half the cake and inside is a KEY.)

The Champ: Now we're getting somewhere!

(Meanwhile LADY SCORN is sitting in her tea room knitting. JOCK AND DJ walk in wearing STREET CLOTHES.)

Lady Scorn: You two have balls coming back here.

Jock: And we want to SHOW YOU our balls!

DJ: But not our actual testicles! He means we want to work with you! We're sick of law and order!

Jock: Yeah! We want to be DIRTY CAT COPS.

Lady Scon: That's wonderful! And you can start by killing a gangland rival of mine. His name? His name...IS BRICKY!

TO BE CONTINUED

 

[CaptainWacky]

(Jock and DJ are walking down the street.)

Jock: GULP! I can't believe we have to kill Bricky! I didn't even know he was still alive!

DJ: How are even going to kill him? Stab him? Shoot him? EAT HIM? I don't have a gun or a knife AND I'm not even hungry!

Jock: Let's go ask Officer Drunkel for advice in the cop bar we just walked by!

DJ: Isn't he in hospital with alcohol disease?

(They go into the cop bar. Officer Drunkel is drunk and dancing on a table.)

Jock: He got better!

(Studio audience cheer this self destructive behaviour. Jock and DJ go into the bar. The other cops give them DIRTY LOOKS.)

Lady Cop: Grrr, those two CAT POLISHERS have no right coming into this bar for REAL COPS.

Man Cop: Sell them poisoned beer!

Drunkel: That's enough out of you two! These two guys are GREAT COPS! They caught the sex trafficker boxer, didn't they? Go have sex with each other or something!

Lady Cop: He makes a good point.

Man Cop: I have always loved you.

(They start making out as the studio audience cheer. Jock and DJ sit down with Drunkel.)

Drunkel: Well lads, what can I do for you?

Jock: Well, we decided to go work for Lady Scron because she's so scary and she's ask us to kill Bricky!

DJ: Do you have any advice on how to murder him?

Drunkel: So you're saying you've gone UNDERCOVER by PRETENDING to work for Lady Scorn and you need my help to FAKE Bricky's death?

(Jock and DJ looks at each other.)

Jock(whispering): Let's pretend that's what we meant.

DJ(whispering): Yeah, it'll save us having to murder someonw!

Jock: Sure! That's what we meant! We sure didn't become criminals for real!

DJ: We sure haven't already sold drugs to school children on her orders!

Drunkel: Well, that's a relief! Anyway, what you need in some kind of van...

(Meanwhile, Lucy is standing AT A GRAVE.)

Lucy: I'm so sorry, Jed. If I could take it back I would.

(We pull back to reveal that the grave belongs to...Michael Jackson!? Jed is actually standing next to Lucy!)

Jed: That's okay, Lucy! You shouldn't worry about it. Just beause you KICKED MY NOSE OFF doesn't mean I hold it against you.

(The camera SPINS ROUND to show that Jed has no nose.)

Lucy: ...why is my life so fucking weird?

TO BE CONTINUED

 

[CaptainWacky]

(Jock and DJ are sitting in a van staking a dentist's place out.)

Jock: I can't believe Bricky became a dentist! Guy was more likely to knock teeth OUT than put them back IN!

(Studio audience cheer this clever wordplay.)

DJ: Probably some con he's working! Maybe he touches people up when they're under the gas!

(A hot girl walks by.)

Jock: I'd like to touch HER up when she was under the gas!

(Studio audience cheer Jock's desire to sexually assault a woman.)

DJ: Oh shit, some kids are coming to the van!

(A boy and girl come over to the van.)

Boy: Is this an ice cream van?

DJ: No! Go away! Unless you want to buy some drugs, the van's fool of them!

Girl: Hmm, drugs!

Jock: No selling drugs while we're on a stakeout!

(The kids run away.)

DJ: Now they know we're on a stakeout!

Jock: Better than thinking we're dealing drugs to schoolchildren! We haven't done that for a day!

DJ: But we're undercover as drug dealers for Lady Scorn, so we have to act like real drug dealers!

Jock: But what if Tinplate thinks we really are drug dealers and arrests us? She doesn't know we're doing this OFF THE BOOKS for Drunkel!

DJ: Man, being a double undercover cop is confusing!

Jock: I miss the simple of days of being a common, everyday cat cleaner...

DJ: Sssssh, here comes Bricky!

(Bricky walks out of the dentist's where the hot girl is waiting. Bricky KISSES her.)

Jock: Man, some guys have all the luck!

DJ: Maybe that's just how he checks teeth!

(Studio audience explode.)

Jock: Get ready to do exactly what Drunkel taught us...

(As Bricky walks by the van, Jock and DJ jump out and grab him. The hot girl screams.)

DJ: SHUT UP, LADY!

(DJ PUNCHES the lady unconscious. The studio audience shift around on their chairs a bit, uncomfortable.)

Brick: You two!

Jock: Shut up, BRICKNOSE!

(They throw him hard into the back of the van and slam the door.)

Bricky: I can't believe it! I didn't think you'd have the brains to figure out what I was doing, or the guts to bundle me in a van!

DJ: We're not just bundling you! We KILLING YOU, DOG!

Bricky: What!

(Jock pulls out a syringe.)

Jock: This is full of DEADLY POISON, PUNK! WE KILL YOU FOR LADY SCORN.

(He stabs Bricky with it. Bricky passes out. Jock and DJ look at each other.)

Jock: We did it! Wooooo!

(Studio audience "woooooo!")

DJ: It's a shame I had to punch that hot girl, but it made it all the more convincing! Now Bricky will think we're working for Scorn and that we really murdered him!

Jock: ...wait. Won't he know we didn't really murder him when he waks up?

DJ: ...I guess he'll assume he's in the afterlife!

(They drive the van to Drunkel's apartment and throw Bricky out and drive away.)

Drunkel: Those knuckleheads, just dumping him here!

(Bricky STANDS UP, perfectly FINE.)

Bricky: It doesn't matter...PARTNER. The antitode you gave me worked and the deadly posion didn't kill me!

Drunkel: Hahaha, now they'll think you're dead and Lady Scorn won't see it coming...when you murder HER!

(Studio audience make confused noises.)

TO BE CONTINUED

 

[CaptainWacky]

(The Champ is in prison yard, whistling. A guard is watching him. The guard eventually looks away. As soon as he does, The Champ checks the key in a keyhole in a door in the wall of the yard. It doesn't open.)

The Champ: Dang! I've checked eighty seven doors now and this key Uncle Mac gave me doesn't open any of them!

(The Lead Nazi walks over to him.)

Lead Nazi: Making progress on our escape?

The Champ: I ain't making shit, dog!

Lead Nazi: You've picked up our PRISON LINGO pretty quick!

The Champ: Maybe the lingo ate your baby!

(Studio audience cheer.)

Lead Nazi: But you have to get us out of here fast! The Mexicans continue to bully us!

The Champ: Those punks!

(He looks over and sees the Mexicans flicking gum at the Nazis. Some of the Nazis are crying.)

The Champ: I should beat them up just on principle!

Police Officer: Hey, The Champ, you have a visitor.

The Champ: Those Mexicans are lucky!

Lead Nazi: Yeah, luck Trump isn't president yet!

(Studio audience cheer and start chanting "TRUMP FOR PRESIDENT!" The Champ leaves the yard and goes to the visitor room. Uncle Mac is waiting for him, wearing a sweater.)

Uncle Mac: Hi, babe!

The Champ: Don't call me that, sucka! I got a prison rep in here!

Uncle Mac: Sorry, honey.

The Champ: Don't call me that either! Call me Daddy!

Uncle Mac: Now we're talking!

The Champ: Damn it! Just call me MASTER.

Uncle Mac: Even better!

The Champ: ...do you have an erection?

Uncle Mac: No, my penis has just become engorged with blood in your presence. Anyway, did you get my KEY.

The Champ: Sssh! Keep it down again! But yeah, I got it.

Uncle Mac: And?

The Champ: Well, what does it open?

Uncle Mac: I don't understand...don't you know what it is?

The Champ: JUST TELL ME, YOU CRAZY WHITE RODENT!

Uncle Mac: It's the key...to my heart! I love you, Champ!

(Studio audience "aww!")

The Champ: That's it? I asked you to bust me out!

Uncle Mac: Well, I can't literally bust you out, but I can transport you to a different place through the power of love!

The Champ: I KILL YOU, I KILL YOU FOOL!

(The guards drag The Champ away to stop him from killing Uncle Mac. They through him in a PADDED CELL. But when they slam the door, FIVE MEXICANS come out of the shadows in the padded cell.)

Mexican: We hear you been hanging with the Nazis, esse!

The Champ: Yeah, go ahead, beat me up, I've lost the will to live now.

(They attack him. The Champ instinctively punches one of them back. He crashes into the padding and the padding falls off, revealing a LOCKED DOOR.)

The Champ: Hang on...

Mexican: Yeah, no one can ever open that door.

(The Champ checks his key in it. THE DOOR OPENS.)

The Champ: No one...BUT THE CHAMP!

(He does THE CHAMP DANCE as the studio audience cheer.)

TO BE CONTINUED

 

[CaptainWacky]

(Jock and DJ are back in Cat Cleaners, cleaning a cat.)

Jock: You know, it's good to be doing something nice and normal like cleaning a cat. It's a good way to relax before Lady Scorn gives us our next assignment.

DJ: I hope she doesn't want us to kick an old person to death again!

Jock: Yeah, my feet were really tired!

(Studio audience laugh. Lucy walks in. Studio audience stop laughing instantly.)

Lucy: Hey, guys...

Jock: What, you want more of my money? That it? Well too bad! I ain't not giving you nothing!

DJ: Me neither!

Jock: She wasn't married to you!

DJ: She's racist?!

Lucy: Shut up! Stop your usual clueless, non-sensical, barely even works as a joke, banter! I have something to say! Something...dark. After our wedding, I had wild public sex with your cousin, Jeb. But I panicked after and accidentally kicked his nose off. Bricky was watching behind some bins and blackmailed me. That's why I've been asking you for so much money.

Jock: ...Bricky?

Lucy: He's a monster!

DJ: Lucky we murdered him then!

Lucy: WHAT!

(Jock takes DJ aside.)

Jock: Uhh, we dind't really murder him...I don't think. It's hard to keep track.

DJ: But we have to PRETEND to because we're undercover

Jock: Oh! Okay!

(They go back.)

Jock: Yeah, it was an accident. An accidental murder. We ran over him with the Cat Car.

DJ: So you're finally free from his evil clutches!

Lucy: I was free anyway! I decdied to come clean!

(JED walks in with NO NOSE. Studio audience cheer.)

Jed: Hey cousin Jock! I had sex with your wife!

Jock: I'd punch you on the nose but you don't have one! Aren't you angry at Lucy for kicking it off?

Jed: Nah. It helped me pick up more girls! I was a virgin before...but since I lost my nose I've had sex with a thousand girls!

(Studio audience cheer.)

Lucy: What! You never told me! I've only had sex with two guys since then.)

(Studio audience boo and someone shouts "SLUT" at Lucy.)

Jed: So everything's wrapped up!

(Suddenly we hear gunfire. Bullets from a MACHINE GUN come flying through the window. Everyone jumps down except Jed who is RIDDLED WITH BULLETS. A car stops outside and a THUG look out the window.)

Thug: That's for killing my boss Bricky!

TO BE CONTINUED

 

[CaptainWacky]

(The Champ and the five Mexicans make their way through the door and along a dark corridor.)

The Champ: None of you better shank me in here!

Mexican: Is that gay sex slang!?

The Champ: No!

Mexican: Pity!

(They come to another door. It's lock too. The Champ checks his key in it, but it doesn't open.)

The Champ: Damn it! By cork! All of this and theres another locked door!

Mexican: Si!

The Champ: Shut up! I'll punch you! I'll punch you all!

(He punches the door and it his fist punches straight through it. The door is made of cardboard!)

The Champ: What in the name of WHITE PEOPLE is going on here!

Mexican: Viva La Champ!

The Champ: How come you could speak perfect English a minute ago, sucka?

Mexican: Si!

(The Champ shrugs and punches the door completely in. He goes inside and there's a TV STUDIO! A man is sitting in a chair watching everything on a monitor with his back to The Champ.)

The Champ: Seriously, someone better tell me what's going on!

(The man spins around. It's Uncle Mac!)

Uncle Mac: You're on Uncle Mac tv!

(The Mexicans start cheering.)

Mexican: We're all actors!

The Champ: What! Suckas! But...how! I'm in prison!

Uncle Mac: Haha, this isn't a real prison! You're on tv, live! It was a secret reality show all along! Smile!

The Champ: But I beat a man to death yesterday!

(A man walks in covered in bruises.)

Bruised Man: I'm a stunt man, I was only beat half to death!

(CUT TO show that this is all being show on the tv in the shot-up Cat Cleaners. Jock, DJ and Lucy are ducked behind the desk. Only DJ is looking at the tv.)

DJ: Huh, maybe that means THIS is all part of a tv show too!

Lucy: Jed's choking to death on his own blood!

DJ: Or is it TV MAGIC!?

Jed: No, call a fucking ambulance! Gurgh!

TO BE CONTINUED

 

[CaptainWacky]

(Jock, DJ and Lucy are waiting outside a hospital room.)

Jock: I can't believe my cousin Jed was shot in eight places, including both testicles!

(Studio audience laugh.)

DJ: I can only think of one worse place to be shot...up the peehole!

(Studio audience hoot.)

Lucy: I can't believe you guys! Jed only just recovered from me kicking his nose off and now he's been shot eight times, including in both testicles! It's a tragedy, okay! I'll never be able to have sex with him again!

Jock: How did that Thug find out we murdered Bricky anyway!

Lucy: You said it was an accident!

DJ: Maybe before Bricky died he said "I was accidentally murdered by the handsome Cat Cleaners guys!" to his Thug!

Jock: Famous last words!

Lucy: Aren't you concerned that he's going to try to have you killed again?

DJ: NAH!

(A doctor walks out wearing a SURGICAL MASK.)

Lucy: Doctor, doctor, how is Jed?

Doctor: Not as good as his brother George W, the greastest president this country has ever seen!

(The doctor stands with his hand on his heart staring into the distance.)

Lucy: I mean the patient, you nosebastard!

Doctor: Oh, him. He's never been president!

Jock: And he never will be without a nose or testicles!

Lucy: JUST TELL US IF HE'S GOING TO BE OKAY.

Doctor: Oh, okay. Come in and see for yourselves!

(They enter the hospital room. There is a LUMP in the bed. We ASSUME this lump is Jed.)

DJ: He looks so helplessly and lumpy...

Doctor: Wait until you get a GOOD look at him...

(The doctor pulls the sheets back on the bed revealing a GIANT MACHINE GUN. He grabs it.)

Jock: That's not Ned! I'd know my cousin anywhere! That's a giant machine gun!

Lucy: But why was it sleeping in Jed's bed!?

(The doctor pulls his surgical mask off revealing that he is THE THUG. He points the giant machine gun at Jock, DJ and Lucy.)

Thug: JUSTICE FOR BRICKY.

DJ: Wait a minute! Before you gun us down like dogs that have been gunned down, answer us one thing: how did you know we murdered Bricky?

Thug: Officer Drunkel told me, okay? He was drunk! Said something about needing "loose ends" tied up and also "HAHAHAHAHA, THEY'RE SO DUMB, THEY DON'T GET THAT I WAS USING THEM ALL ALONG AS PART OF A COMPLICATED SCHEME." Stuff like that, okay? Now let me kill you!

Jock: Lucy, if this really is the end, I just want to say one thing...

Lucy: Yes?

Jock: I...always...loved...DJ!

DJ: Bro high five as we die!

(They bro high five just as the Thug starts to move his finger to fire the gun until suddenly he is STABBED from behind by a SPEAR and it comes out through his chest. He drops down, dead. LADY SCORN is standing behind him.)

Lady Scorn: Looks like I had to clean up after you boys! But good work on killing Bricky. Now I need you to murder just one more person for me. And that person is...

Jock: The Champ?

DJ: Uncle Mac?

Lucy: WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU?

Lady Scorn: ...yeah, it was The Champ.

TO BE CONTINUED

 

[CaptainWacky]

(Uncle Mac is sitting behind a desk in front of a studio audience. A studio audience of actors, that is, not the Cat Cleaners studio audience who are continuing to watch this studio audience. The Champ is sitting on a chair next to him, asleep. The Champ wakes up.)

The Champ: Urgh, what happened, where am I?

Uncle Mac: He's awake, folks!

(The actor studio audience cheers. The real studio audience mumble in confusion.)

The Champ: What the Hell, sucka! Did you drug me?

Uncle Mac: Well you did just start punching me in the stomach yelling "I'LL KILL YOU FOR LOCKING ME UP IN A FAKE PRSION FOR A TV SHOW, SUCKA!" so yes, I did!

(Both real and fake studio audiences laugh.)

The Champ: I'll kill you for drugging me now! And putting me on another tv show!

Uncle Mac: Don't be so hasty!

The Champ: Well, I do like drugs...

Uncle Mac: And also by appearing on our show you've done HALF A MILLION DOLLARS!

(Fake studio audience cheer.)

The Champ: I could buy a lot of drugs with that! Okay, Uncle Mac, you're forgiven! As long as you didn't use any of the footage of me in the showers!

Uncle Mac: Well, we did have a comedy montage of you trying to wash yourself with boxing gloves on!

The Champ: Ah well, for half a million I'll let that pass! I'll just punch you twice in each kidney and then we can forget it.

(One of the PRSION NAZIS walks onto stage holding a knife. Fake studio audience gasp and real studio audience boo the fake studio audience then gasp themselves.)

Nazi: But I can't forgive it! You locked me up in here for a tv show and I only found out when The Champ appeared on the tv in the rec room!

The Champ: You used real nazi prisoners for the show?

Uncle Mac: For realism!

Nazi: Now I'll stab you, for real!

(JOCK AND DJ jump up from the fake studio audience where they have been watching the show. Jock tackles the Nazi taking him down and DJ grabs his Nazi knife.)

Jock: Cat Cops, punk! Don't move!

Nazi: Cat Cops?

DJ: Quiet, punk! You have the right to remain silent!

Jock: I never really got that. "The right to remain silent." Sound weird. It's just like a polite way of sayig "shut up, punk!" And what happens if you don't say it? Will the prisoner later say "I didn't know I had the right to remain silent and accidentally confessed to ten crimes I didn't commit!"? Damn paperwork!

DJ: It's crazy being a Cat Cop!

Nazi: Cat Cops?

Uncle Mac: Wow! You guys saved my life and The Champ's!

The Champ: I could have killed that guy easily.

Uncle Mac: But I still want to take you two backstage for a special reward! Then we can continue with the score! Oh, and hi Lucy!

(He's spotted Lucy sitting in the fake audience, with Lady Scorn who is in disguise. Lucy nervously waves back.)

Uncle Mac: Yeah, I see you, Lucy, with that woman in disguise. Hi! Anyway, let's got backstage!

(Uncle Mac and The Champ start walking back to Uncle Mac's dressing room. Jock and DJ follow.)

Jock: We gonna do this thang?

(DJ looks down at the Nazi knife then looks at Uncle Mac.)

DJ: Word, killah!

TO BE CONTINUED

 

[CaptainWacky]

(Lucy is sitting next to to the disguised Lady Scorn.)

Scorn: Soon, soon this will all be over!

Lucy: Look, Uncle Mac is a crazed psychopath who should be in a mental hospital, but why do you want him killed? Seems a bit mean!

Scorn: Child, you know nothing of mean! Not until you are married to that man can you comment...

Lucy: Wait a minute, you're MARRIED to Uncle Mac?

Scorn: Damn it! That wasn't supposed to come out! Maybe I shoud kill you to keep you silent...

Lucy: Or I could just not tell anyone?

Scorn: Hmm. That works too.

Lucy: So you he treated you badly when you were married? Did he cheat on?

Scorn: Ha! We had an open, adult relationship. I took many lovers to bed while he slept his way through every brothel in town. We were wild, passionate, insatiable!

Lucy: Why do you want him dead then?

Scorn: He ran me over with his car!

Lucy: Well, that is pretty bad.

Scorn: And if he dies, I get all the money from his arms dealing! Even if he's changed his will to leave it to his nephew Jock, I'll still get the money because Jock will be in prison!

Lucy: Hey, I need to go take a crap, okay?

Scorn: Oh, sure! I like you, Lucy. I feel we have bonded. You can have your freedom to crap. I'll just sit here enjoying my victory, feeling smug in the knowledge that nothing can possibly go wrong...

(Lucy gets up then quickly runs to the backstage area. Jock and DJ are pointing knives at Uncle Mac.)

Uncle Mac: Kids? Are you going to kill me?

The Champ: Hahaha, stick that sucka!

Jock: We have no choice, Uncle Mac! We owe Lady Scorn a life debt!

DJ: We gots to pay it with your blood!

Uncle Mac: Jock...DJ...I'm so proud of you! You've become REAL MEN at last! Oh, I remember my first kill. It was glorious. My father had just returned from war. He had mutated into a kind of genetic werewolf creature. I had to...

Jock: We don't have time for one of your crazy stories! We need to kill you now, sorry!

DJ: We'll do it softly!

The Champ: Haha, I get to watch a man die today, pretty suh-weet!

(Lucy runs in.)

Lucy: STOP THE KILLING! Lady Scorn only wants to kill Uncle Mac because she's his wife and she wants Jock in prison so she'll get all the money!

Uncle Mac: Oh, it's my wife who wants me dead? I thought I killed that bitch when I ran her over for not having dinner ready! Don't kill me! Bros before hos!

Jock: I'm confused! What do we do!

DJ: I wish something would happen so that we don't have to make a decision!

(The voice of BRICKY suddenly plays over the intercom system in the building.)

Bricky: This is BRICKY!

Drunkel: And his SECRET PARTNER Officer Drunkel!

Bricky: Now that I have all my enemeis in the one place I have planted a bomb in the building...an EXPLODING bomb!

Drunkel: And it will explode!

Everyone: Shit!

TO BE CONTINUED

 

[CaptainWacky]

Uncle Mac: Damn it! You kids! Getting mixed up with Drunkel! He's the most crooked cop on the force. He's so crooked he can't stand up straight!

Jock: You're the one who gave us the tip about The Champ being a sex trafficker which is what resulted in us becoming Cat Cops!

DJ: Yeah! It's your fault, somehow!

The Champ: Shut up! I don't want to die here, with you punks! I say we PUNCH our way out of here!

Lucy: Why haven't they set the bomb off yet? If they want to kill us, what are they waiting for?

Jock: Good point! They must want something...

Uncle Mac: You said Lady Scorn was here?

DJ: That's right!

Uncle Mac: They probably want all the money she stole from me back in the seventies!

Jock: That was their plan all along!

Lucy: None of this makes sense!

The Champ: That's because...YOU GUYS ARE ON A DOUBLE TV SHOw!

Everyone Else: ...WHAT!?

The Champ: You thought I was the one being tricked into thinking I was in prison when I was really on tv? Well guess what? I was the secret tv producer all along! You're all on DOUBLE TWIST TV!

(Studio audience cheer.)

Drunkel(over intercom): What? No? That's not true!

Bricky(over intercom): He's lying to buy time!

The Champ: That's right! Time...TO PUNCH YOU!

(He punches a hole right through the wall revealing DRUNKEL AND BRICKY in a secret room!)

Drunkel: But how did you find us!

The Champ: I have super powerful hearing, fools! I just had to get you to talk again so I could find you! I knew you were still in the building and that was why you hadn't blown it up yet!

Jock: Damn, The Champ is super smart!

DJ: And has super hearing, apparently!

Uncle Mac: Drunkel you bastard, how could you screw my nephew like this! And what have you go against my ex wife Scorn anyway

Drunkel: It's your fault I'm like this, Uncle Mac! You ran me over with your car too, remember? That's why I started drinking!

Bricky: And I just love money!

Jock: Let's put it all behind us and all walk out of here!

Lucy: Yeah, seriously, this is getting boring and stupid.

DJ: GETTING?

(Studio audience explode but not because the bomb has gone off.)

Drunkel: Maybe you're right...maybe crime doesn't pay.

Bricky: As long as I don't get arrested for murdering Jed!

Lucy: Sure, whatever.

Lady Scorn: NOT SO FAST.

(Everyone turns around. Lady Scorn is standing in the doorway, pointing a MACHINE gun at everyone.)

Lady Scorn: My PLAN has worked!

Jock: Wow this just never ends!

TO BE CONCLUDED

 

[CaptainWacky]

Lucy: Your plan?

Scorn: Yes! Now I have all my enemies in one place! My ex husband, the bastard Uncle Mac who once ran me over with his car. Bricky and Drunkel who thought they could take me on in GANG WARS. Jock and DJ, two idiots I used as weapons. All will die!

The Champ: What about me? Why am I your enemy?

Scorn: I'm racist!

The Champ: Fair enough.

Lucy: But what about me?

Scorn: I'm sexist too, okay? Prepare to die!

Jock: Uhh...what?

DJ: Yeah, how does someone prepare to die?

Jock: What do you expect us to actually do?

Scorn: I don't know! I guess I'll just kill you without the preparing then!

Jock: Finally!

Lucy: But I don't want to die!

DJ: She makes a good point!

Scorn: I don't care! DIE NOW!

(She moves her finger SLOWLY to fire the machine gun but just before she can she is hit in the back of the head by a bedpan. It was swung by Jed, who is still in his hospital gown!

Jed: Mind if I "drop in"?

Lucy: Oh Jed!

(She dives on Jed, making out with him.)

Jed: Careful, I was shot in eight places including both testicles, so this kind of hurts!

Bricky: Well, that wraps everything up here.

Jock: Didn't you plant a bomb in the building?

Bricky: NAH, we just said that as a joke. We were really going to kill you with POISONED GAS. But now that Scorn is dead, we can all go our seperate ways!

DJ: I don't think she's dead...

(Bricky picks up the machine gun and shoots it into Scorn's body. Studio audience laugh and cheer.)

DJ: ...never mind!

Drunkel: Finally I can quit the police and become a cocaine dealer, just like I always wanted!

Jock: Hey, I wonder if we'll still be allowed to be Cat Cops...

DJ: Oh, I can think of a way we can convince Tinplate to let us stay on the force...

The Champ: So what's next for us? When will this tv show of yours be on the air?

Uncle Mac: Oh, it'll never be on the air. The only place it played was in the tv inside Cat Cleaner's. I spent millions of dollars on this studio and production staff just to PRANK you, The Champ!

The Champ: Biscuits!

(Everyone laughs at The Champ's new comedy catch phrase as Lady Scorn lies dead on the floor.)

THE END

(Post credit scene. Tinplate is in bed...with Jock and DJ!)

Tinplate: Okay, I'll let you boys be cops for ONE MORE SEASON...

Jock and DJ: Bro high five!

(They bro high five.)