Donovan
beer, I want beer
One of the great mysteries of the world is why inter-related species of predator cannot get along better in their natural habitats. Take for example, the Prick, the Asshole, and the Cunt. These three species exist in nearly identical habitats, compete for the same resources, and employ similar methods of defense and attack. Yet they cannot abide one another for long; often fighting viciously when cornered by one another.
The Prick is the most aggressive of the three, and will attack both an Asshole and a Cunt with equal vigor when exposed to either. The prick is a frontal assault sort of creature, preferring the direct approach to more subtle methods used by his rivals. The prick, when agitated, will swell up to as much as four times his normal size to prepare for attack, and it is not wise to rub a prick the wrong way. Aside from direct frontal attack, the prick also will spit venom at his target in order to immobilize or temporarily blind them.
Less aggressive but no less dangerous, the Cunt is the only predator to have evolved over the millenia into various subspecies. While they vary in color, size and appearance, Assholes and Pricks remain much as they were millions of years ago. However, Cunts have evolved into distinct subgroups; Cunts, the most aggressive by far and easily provoked into attack; Twats, less aggressive and with less toxins in their sting, yet still dangerous to the unwary; and the much more benign, almost tame Pussy (and its more exotic playful cousin the Vajayjay). Remember the old adage: A friendly pet makes a Pussy come, but pet a Cunt and lose a thumb. In attack situations, the Cunt will often set traps for Pricks, disguising itself as the friendlier species, until the Prick has drawn in too close to escape. It is interesting to note that while a Prick will seek out either a Cunt or an Asshole with equal vigor, especially during night hunting, the Cunt does not regard the Asshole as a natural enemy and almost exclusively attacks Pricks.
The Asshole is a symbiotic entity, and possesses few aggressive skills, preferring a more defensive posture. The Asshole will invariably choose a home very near either a Prick or a Cunt, but only in extremely rare cases will all three predators live in the same habitat. Oddly, a Prick who has an Asshole nearby will never attack his own Asshole, and in fact will ignore its presence entirely while it hunts. The Asshole relies on this protection, for an Asshole who is protected by an Aggressive Prick will be vigorously defended from invading Pricks and outside Cunts, and the Asshole who stays near a Cunt is almost universally safe from any Prick. In extreme cases, and Asshole can emit a powerful defensive musk, which frequently drives off attackers before the Asshole can be harmed. Interestingly, some Cunts have adapted a similar technique, further testament to their adaptability as a species, while Pricks seem to remain oblivious to the talent. In extremely rare cases the Asshole also can become angry and swollen much like the Prick, but in a more defensive posture. This effect is called "Roid Rage."
In conclusion: althought the Asshole, Prick and Cunt are evolved from similar origins and employ similar tactics, they are not the same creature and should be recognized as very different. The wily Cunt who stalks, snares and bleeds her victims dry; or the aggressive Prick, who stabs and thrusts and beats his victim into submission and then spits on his fallen foe; or the Asshole, who is content in quietly bringing up the rear, spreading his silent but deadly poison and felling friend and foe alike. These are the apex of the predatory world...and one of them may be stalking you.
The Prick is the most aggressive of the three, and will attack both an Asshole and a Cunt with equal vigor when exposed to either. The prick is a frontal assault sort of creature, preferring the direct approach to more subtle methods used by his rivals. The prick, when agitated, will swell up to as much as four times his normal size to prepare for attack, and it is not wise to rub a prick the wrong way. Aside from direct frontal attack, the prick also will spit venom at his target in order to immobilize or temporarily blind them.
Less aggressive but no less dangerous, the Cunt is the only predator to have evolved over the millenia into various subspecies. While they vary in color, size and appearance, Assholes and Pricks remain much as they were millions of years ago. However, Cunts have evolved into distinct subgroups; Cunts, the most aggressive by far and easily provoked into attack; Twats, less aggressive and with less toxins in their sting, yet still dangerous to the unwary; and the much more benign, almost tame Pussy (and its more exotic playful cousin the Vajayjay). Remember the old adage: A friendly pet makes a Pussy come, but pet a Cunt and lose a thumb. In attack situations, the Cunt will often set traps for Pricks, disguising itself as the friendlier species, until the Prick has drawn in too close to escape. It is interesting to note that while a Prick will seek out either a Cunt or an Asshole with equal vigor, especially during night hunting, the Cunt does not regard the Asshole as a natural enemy and almost exclusively attacks Pricks.
The Asshole is a symbiotic entity, and possesses few aggressive skills, preferring a more defensive posture. The Asshole will invariably choose a home very near either a Prick or a Cunt, but only in extremely rare cases will all three predators live in the same habitat. Oddly, a Prick who has an Asshole nearby will never attack his own Asshole, and in fact will ignore its presence entirely while it hunts. The Asshole relies on this protection, for an Asshole who is protected by an Aggressive Prick will be vigorously defended from invading Pricks and outside Cunts, and the Asshole who stays near a Cunt is almost universally safe from any Prick. In extreme cases, and Asshole can emit a powerful defensive musk, which frequently drives off attackers before the Asshole can be harmed. Interestingly, some Cunts have adapted a similar technique, further testament to their adaptability as a species, while Pricks seem to remain oblivious to the talent. In extremely rare cases the Asshole also can become angry and swollen much like the Prick, but in a more defensive posture. This effect is called "Roid Rage."
In conclusion: althought the Asshole, Prick and Cunt are evolved from similar origins and employ similar tactics, they are not the same creature and should be recognized as very different. The wily Cunt who stalks, snares and bleeds her victims dry; or the aggressive Prick, who stabs and thrusts and beats his victim into submission and then spits on his fallen foe; or the Asshole, who is content in quietly bringing up the rear, spreading his silent but deadly poison and felling friend and foe alike. These are the apex of the predatory world...and one of them may be stalking you.
