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Dr Dave and His Last Bow

CaptainWacky

CaptainWacky

I want to smell dark matter
It had been only a month since I had last seen my friend Dr Dave, but it felt like much longer. And, to look at him, I began to wonder if it had been years in reality and somehow I had been tricked into thinking otherwise. He looked at least five years older as I approached his small cottage. He was standing at the door, smiling warmly. He did not appear to have a care in the world. His hair was greying, his gait unsteady. He had a cane in his right hand to keep him balanced. His eyes, so keen in the past, looked somewhat distant now. And yet, as I said, he looked happy. I was confused and scared.

"Wackson, my old friend," said Dr Dave, swapping his cane to his left hand to offer his right for a handshake. I gladly took it, but was disturbed to find his grip was 40% weaker than usual.

"Dr Dave," I said. "I have missed you so much. When you left I thought it was some trick at first...but when you didn't return I knew it was over. That you were broken. I...I cry myself to sleep every night..."

"Enough of that nonsense, Wackson," he said quietely. I felt ashamed. I knew I had to be the strong one now. "No need to worry about me. I'm perfectly happy here. Finally out of the great game!"

"But the game never ends!" I said. "You taught me that! I've tried to take up the mantle, to fight...HIM, but he's too powerful. He's the Prime Minister now for gosh's sake!"

"No need for profanity, Wackson," said Dr Dave. "You just have to accept the reality of the situation. We have a new Prime Minister and we just have to live with that until the next election. Now, would you like to see my bees?"

I had heard rumours that Dr Dave had taken up bee keeping.

"Sure," I said, hurt by what he'd said. How could Dr Dave live in a world where HE was the Prime Minister?

"Here, bees!" said Dr Dave, and he gave a bee whistle. A huge swarm of bees came flying over from behind his cootage. Many of them landed on Dr Dave's face, in the shape of a beard.

"A beard of bees!" I said with wonder, as despite everything It was a truly amazing sight.

"A bee-eard, if you will," said Dr Dave. "You see? Things aren't so bad!"

"But Dr Dace is still PM!" I said. I saw a flash of something in Dr Dave's eyes, for a moment. It was almost as if something of his old self briefly returned. But then it was gone.

"Indeed," said Dr Dave. "He defeated me, Wackson. We've been over this. His is the superior."

I gasped. Was Dr Dave saying Dr Dace's intellect was the superior?

"His...fashion sense?" I asked, hoping against hope.

"No," said Dr Dave. "His intellect. It is superior to mine. Now come on, let's us have some honey!"

I thought back on events which had led to this moment.
 
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SIX MONTHS EARLIER

"...because it was YOU who stole the bread!" said Dr Dave, pointing a finger of justice at Young Timmy. Everyone gasped. Me, Inspector Tomtrek of the Yard and of course Young Timmy himself. He had helped us out on cases before, he knew the streets of London well. Of course he wasn't so young now, but Dr Dave still referred to him by that affectionate nickname.

"No!" said Young Timmy. "How could you...I mean...there were no finger prints...I mean...no!"

"It's true!" said Inspector Tomtrek. "There were no finger prints found in the dough or flour! How could you know it was Young Timmy?"

"No finger prints indeed!" said Dr Dave, with trademark flourish. "But there was a NOSE PRINT! Young Timmy SNIFFED the bread before stealing it and left a nose print in the flour!"

"It just smelled so deliecious!" said Young Timmy.

"Take him away, Tomtrek!" said Dr Dave.

"But...I only stole some bread to feed my starving family!" said Young Timmy. "We've been friends for years, surely you can let me get away with this?"

"The law's the law," said Dr Dave, not cruelly but with little compassion either.

"Curse you!" said Young Timmy, as Tomtrek cuffed him and dragged him away. "You have no idea how hard it is for me, how much my family has struggled! Who will feed them now? WHO!" And he was gone.

"I have mixed emotions!" I said.

"It is a shame, yes," said Dr Dave. "Maybe we can donate some cans of soup to his family. But Young Timmy was a lawbreaker and he had to face justice. Think of the breadmakers!"

"HA!" came a voice. We both turned round. It was Loktar. He had been watching from him park bench. There was a crazed look in his eyes.

"Loktar!" I said. "It has been some time since we last spoke!"

"Too busy up in your IVORY TOWER to speak to the little people!" said Loktar.

"That doesn't even make sense!" I said.

"I see people have been throwing buns at you again," observed Dr Dave. "Why do you not simply move to another park bench?"

"I was born on this park bench and I will die on this park bench!" said Loktar. "While you're busy arresting bread thieves I'm being abused by thugs! Where are you for peope like me who really need you?"

"It is not my job to police the entire world," said Dr Dave. "I only helped with the bread thief because Inspector Tomtrek requested help. I suggest you take Wackson's advice and move to another bench."

"A storm's coming, Dr Dave," said Loktar. "I can feel it in the air. Something big is about to go down. I hear rumours, you know, from my bench. Something is about to hapen, a test not even YOU will be able to pass!"

"We shall see," said Dr Dave, and he strode away. I hurried after him.

"Don't let Loktar get to you," I said. "You have more important things to do than look after every individual citizen."

"Do I?" asked Dr Dave. "What important things have we actually done lately? Ever since we defeated the Chinaman the latest time we have not had to face any real foes. That's why I took the bread case, I thought it would challenge me, but I knew it was Young Timmy from one look at his bread stained nose. No, Wackson, Loktar has a point...I almost wish what he just said is true. That a storm is coming..."

"Wait a jove, what's that!" I said, pointing at a tv in a store window. A new report was on. They were announcing a new candidate for the office of Prime Minsiter.

"It can't be..." said Dr Dave.

"But it is," I said. "It's him!"

"Reginald Grill wants to be Prime Minister!" said Dr Dave.

TO BE CONTINUED
 
Reginald Grill was a well known entrepreneur. He had invented the George Foreman Grill and it was named after him. The "George Foreman" part of the name had been added to appeal to boxing fans and was generally ignored. He was also a shady individual with a black heart and Dr Dave and I had run into him before. He was being blackmailed after it turned out he'd been cheating on his wife. Not only that, but he had some bizarre fetishes. He liked to hire people to be human coffee tables for him.

"He can't be Prime Minister!" I said. "He has human coffee tables!"

"The public do not know of that," said Dr Dave. "To them he is the respectable inventor of the George Foreman Grill."

"Then we should bally well tell them!" I said.

"Then we would be no better than the vile blackmailers," said Dr Dave. "Besides, it is not against the law to hire people as human coffee tables. His private life is private."

"He was also involved in shady business dealings!" I said, remembering other details of the case.

"Indeed," said Dr Dave. "But we never found any concrete proof to show Inspector Tomtrek of the Yard. Without evidence there is nothing we can do."

"He would be a terrible Prime Minster," I said, bitterly.

"Yes," said Dr Dave, a note of sadness in his voice. "I have deduced as much, with my flawless mind."

"Perhaps this is what Loktar was talking about," I said. "We catch petty criminals like Young Timmy and Harry and Hen-napper, but we are powerless to stop the real dangers to our great land!"

Dr Dave actually smiled. "Wackson, you are a fine fellow indeed," he said. I blushed. "And you are right. We won't expose Reginald Grill, that would be unethecial. But we shall investigate the man. We'll find something on him, Wackson, something that we can use to stop him from ruining our country!"

"God bless you, Dr Dave!" I said, unaware that we'd just set down a path that would result in Dr Dace being Prime Minister instead...

TO BE CONTINUED
 
Weeks went by without much progress on our investigation of Reginald Grill. I tried several times to interview him, posing as a member of the press. He refused to speak each time. In fact he did very few interviews. One time, Dr Dave and were sitting at home in our pyjamas drinking hot chocolate when we saw him being interviewed by a lady on tv.

"You are quite the most impressive fellow I have ever interviewed!" said the lady at the end of the interview.

"I am but a humble servant of the people!" said Reginald Grill. Even I would have been impressed by him, if I hadn't known he was a creep. But Dr Dave shook his head.

"A carefully stage-managed interview," he said. "That lady is on the take!"

"But how do you know?" I asked. "She seems so nice." I did not find her sexually attractive, of course, but her hair was nice and shiney.

"Don't you recognise her, Wackson?" he asked. "She was one of the human tables! No, we have to step up our investigation of Grill. It is now clear that he has somethig to hide, something beyond mere table fetishism. We must attend his campaign dinner and snoop around!

And so we did, with fake credentials supplied by Miss Tisiphone Adler herself. We exchanged pleasantries with the many vile Girll supporters in attend, before sneaking into his private offices. A bury security guard was easily distracted by Dr Dave releasing some mice in an air vent.

"Let's bally well see what we can find!" I said, searching his drawers. Dr Dave shook his head.

"He won't make it so easy, Wackson," he said. "We will not find any physical evidence of whatever his wrong doings are...but we may find clues. Observe this cocaine residual on the desk."

"Cocaine!" I said. "That could sink his hopes to be prime minister. A vile drug! Why can't he smoke a pipe like a real man?"

"Indeed," said Dr Dave. "But there is no proof that Grill himself snorted the cocaine. Anyone could have...Wackson, duck!"

"Where!?" I said, looking around for a quacking duck. Then I realised what Dr Dave had meant and ducked behind the desk with him. A man had entered the office. It was the burly security guard, holding some mice he'd crushed to death with his hands. We hadn't seen is face before, but now I noticed something familiar about him as he drew near the desk. He threw the mice in a waste paper binner and went back out.

"The Bell Ringer!" said Dr Dave.

"Of course, I knew I recognised him!" I said. The Bell Ringer had been a super villain operating in London some years prior. He would break into shops and stand there ringing bells, before stealing money and leaving. Dr Dave had almost driven himself mad trying to figure out why he rang the bells, before concluding that the Bell Ringer was merely a simpleton.

"So he has hired super villains as security guards," said Dr Dave.

"That's the scandal then!" I said. "We darn well have him now!"

"No," said Dr Dave. "Don't you see? This can't be the scandal. In fact he may have sent the Bell Ringer in here on purpose as a feint, so we'd think his hiring of super villains was the scandal. No, Wackson, there's only one reason someone would need such large and evil men as security guards...to help cover up an even MORE shocking scandal!"

TO BE CONTINUED
 
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We spent the next few weeks working day and night to find out what Reginald Grill's real secret was. It could not just be the hiring of former super villains to work for him, Dr Dave insisted. It had to be something more. Even as we continued to uncover more nad more dastards in his employ, Dr Dave stubbornly continued to claim to the case was not closed. There was MesmerMan, the mind controlling maniac. He had real, scary powers, but we had believed he had been trying to go straight for years. He was working for Reginald Grill as a shoe buffer.

"I keep telling you, I just buff his shoes, I buff them good!" he said, as Dr Dave and I held him against his will in a room. "Let me out of this room!"

"Hmmph!" said Dr Dave and he eventually let him go. We also found Lizard Larry and Susan the Sick working for Grill. And yet there was no sign of a larger secret. Dr Dave became increasingly obsessed with proving there was more to it. He planed hidden cameras all over Grill's home, even. I dared not question the ethics of this move. Dr Dave's mood has also been growing more fowl.

"Blast and darn it!" he said one day, checking footage of Grill playing Mario Kart 8 online. "I can't find aything! He just plays Mario Kart all day, he hasn't even got any policies! Why is he favourite to be Prime Minister, Wackson, why!"

"He's quite popular because of the George Foreman Grill," I said. "People know he invented it now, it leaked to the press. The opposition party don't seem to have anyone credible to stand against him..."

"THAT'S IT!" said Dr Dave and he started looking something up online. If only it had been the second thing I'd said rather than the first...

"What?" I asked. He was looking at new on the boxer George Foreman.

"George Foreman has not been seen in the public eye for months, not since before Grill announced he was running for Prime Minister...and there is a room in Grill's home that is hidden behind a locked door..."

"You thought that was his sex table room," I said.

"Now I think differently!" said Dr Dave. That night we broke into Grill's home again. Dr Dave used his lock-picking ability to open the locked door. I gasped at what I saw behind it. There were several sex tables, yes, but also George Foreman himself!

"Help me!" said Foreman. "Reginald Grill has been keeping me prisoner to cover up the fact that I REALLY DID invent the George Foreman Grill!"

"AT LAST!" said Dr Dave. He went straight to the press. The next day all the newspapers in the land reported that Reginald Grill was a fraud, that he'd used George Foreman's work to make his millions and kept the poor boxer prisoner to stop him telling the truth. Grill's bid to be Prime Minister was over.

"No one will vote for him now!" I said.

"Indeed!" said Dr Dave, smiling. He was looking at the live cam from Grill's home. Grill was crying, appropriately enough into a grill. "Hang on, I haven't seen that grill before..."

"What?" I asked. "How can that matter?" But Dr Dave zoomed in with is camera.

"That's a NEW GRILL!" said Dr Dave. "George, did you invent that?"

"No!" said George Foreman, who was living with his untill he got back on his feet. "I ain't never seen that grill before!"

"Then Reginald must have invented it himself...which means he really is a grill inventor...which means..." Dr Dave's mind was working a mile a minute. I could not keep up. But I saw a news report on the television. The opposition party had just announced who was standing as their Prime Minster candidate.

"And our candidate, opposing the disgraced Reginald Grill and therefore guaranteed to be Prime Minister," said a lady with tall hair. "WILL BE...DR DACE!"

Dr Dace came stepping onto the stage through dry ice to huge cheers.

Dr Dave, George Foreman and I all simultaneously fainted.

TO BE CONTINUED
 
I awoke that day to find Dr Dace questioning George Foreman in an angry manner.

"Tell me everything you know!" snapped Dr Dave.

"Well, I know a lot about boxing!" he said. "Like how to box! And how to punch! And how to avoid being punched...but I wasn't always so good at that one! Haha!"

"AND WHAT ABOUT GRILLS?" asked Dr Dave. "What do you know of grills?"

"I like eating grilled foor after boxing!" said Foreman.

"Did you invent the George Foreman Grill or not, don't wait for the translation answer me now!" said Dr Dave.

"Why...that's the strangest darn thing," said George Foreman. "I could have sworn that I did! When you and Mister Wackson found me locked up in that room all I could think about was how I invented that grill and how Reginald was a liar. That he'd used my grill to make himself rich. But, now, in the cold light of day...I don't remember inventing that grill at all. In fact I remember Reginald coming to me and offering to let me put my name on HIS grill..."

"Then what I now suspect is true," said Dr Dave, collapsing back on his comfortable chair. He said nothing else for a moment.

"You okay, Mister Dave?" asked George Foreman. He was a kindly chap, for a professional fighter.

"Get the fuck out of my house," said Dr Dave. "You pawn." George Foreman backed away, looing sad, and left.

"Why, I know the situation is dir, but that's no reason to be rude to a kindly gent like George Foreman!" I said.

"Don't you see, Wackson? We have been defeated. Conned, by the greatest opponent of all. My genetic clone, Dr Dace. He planned this all from the beginning. Made us investigate Grill, made us in the end discredit Grill...so that Dr Dace could sweep in and become president. MesmerMan, he was the one who mindwashed Foreman! Made him think that he invented the grill himself, made us believe it too..."

"But MesmerMan just buffed shoes!" I said.

"He lied, of course he lied!" said Dr Dave. "Why did we accept the word of a man with strong mind controlling powers? Why, it may have been MesmerMan who convinced Reginald Grill to run for Prime Minister in the first place...that's it! We have one more chance, Wackson, one chance to stop Dr Dace from becoming the ruler of this great land. We have to make sure Reginald Grill becomes PM instead by managing his campaign!"

"Grill is a sex pervert and a liar!" I said.

"He is the lesser of two evils," said Dr Dave. "He hasn't dropped out of the race yet. With me behind him, he could appear to be a viable candidate again. People will forget the false imprisonment of George Foreman when we arrange it so that Reginald Grill saves a hundred orphans from a burning building! Come, Wackson! We must talked to Grill and set fire to an orphanage!"

But when we arrived at Grill's home we found something horrible. He was lying dead on a sexy table.

TO BE CONTINUED
 
We found a suicide note fixed to the underside of the sexy table by a sticky substance. I read it aloud as Dr Dave stared at the wall. He did not even appear to be listening.

"I have been humiliated by Dr Dave...drive to death by his lies Yes I liked sexy tables, but so what? I never hurt anyone! I don't know how George Foreman got in my secret room. I'm an innocent man. Dr Dave is the real criminal. He must never be put in a position of authority. I take my life now, here, on a sexy table, the place I belong. Goodbye...GAAAAH!"

"He kept writing as he died, what an absurb fellow!" I said.

"MesmerMan, of course," said Dr Dave, still staring at the wall. "Every word Grill wrote was dictated by Dr Dace and MesmerMan made Grill write it and kill himself. But there's no way of proving it. No way at all. Dr Dace's path to ruling this great country is clear. We have doomed the country, Wackson."

"There's still a chance!" I said, frantically. "If you run yourself, oppose Dr Dace..."

"Wackson you sweet fool, this suicide note implicated me in Grill's death. I'm sure a copy will have already been mailed to every newspaper in the land. I cannot have anything to do with this election. My name is poison now."

And so it was. Even after the opposition announced that Sally Paint, a former movie star, would stand instead of Reginald Grill, Dr Dave would have nothing to do with it. I suggested having Sally save a hundred orphans from a burning building but Dr Dave said it was too late for such tricks. All too late.

Dr Dace's campaign continued. He toured the country, kissing babies and seducing woman. He won over men by talking about football and alcoholic beverages. He even made an appearance on the popular sitcom Cat Cleaners, the script for which I have including below.

________________________________________________________

(Jock, DJ and Lucy are in Cat Cleaners.)

Jock: I just don't know who to vote for in the next election!

DJ: Aren't all politicians crooks?

Lucy: Why voted at all.

(Dr Dace walks in with a cat. Studio audience cheer.)

Dr Dace: Excuse me, could I have my cat washed, please?

Jock: D...D...Dr Dace!? Having his cat washed like a regular Joe?

DJ: Maybe he's not as bad as all politicians!

Lucy: And so handsome!

Dr Dace: Listen, I'm a hard working man just trying to make his way in the world with a dirty cat like anyone else. I love beer and football and kissing babies. If you vote me for Prime Minister I'll make the world a better place. But I'm not here to campaign! I just want my cat washed and to have a good time with you three solid chaps!

Jock: What a man!

DJ: I can feel his manly charisma from here!

Lucy: And so handsome!

Jock: What kind of a person WOULDN'T vote for Dr Dace?

(UNCLE MAC walks in dressed as a Nazi. Studio audience boo.)

Uncle Mac: JA JA JA, I LOVE SALLY PAINT, NIEN NIEN, ENSLAVE HUMANITY!

(Studio audience throw rotten tomatoes at him.)

DJ: Get out of here, we don't want no stinking Paint supporters in here!

Dr Dace: Now calm down, folks! This man has the right to vote for whomever he wants...even if that person is a lying scumbed he couldn't run a race let alone a country! If he wants to trust this country to a woman rather thana powerful man like me, let him!

Lucy: Eww, a woman Prime Minister? Might as well elect a cat!

Dr Dace's Cat: Miaow!

(Studio audience explode.)

Uncle Mac: Maybe I was wrong...

(THE CHAMP walks in and punches Uncle Mac in the stomach to a huge cheer.)

Jock: You sure showed him for supporting Sally Paint!

The Champ: What? I just got here, I don't know what's going on.

Dr Dace: The important thing is that you get out and vote! I'm not saying I'll send a crisp hundred pound note to everyone who votes if I win...but I'm not NOT saying it either!

Lucy: And so handsome!

(Everyone laughs and hugs Dr Dace.)

_______________________________________________________

"How many people watch that excrement?" asked Dr Dave.

"Forty million in this country alone," I said. "It's the most popular sitcom of all time!"

"Then it is settled," said Dr Dave. "There is only one thing I can do."

"You mean you're going to run against Dr Dace after all?" I said, excited. "You could appear on Dog Shift! I know it's not as good, but Uncle Mom has some funny lines!"

"No," said Dr Dave. "Failed I have. Into exile I must go."

I fainted from shock once again.

TO BE CONTINUED
 
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When I woke I found that Dr Dave had packed. I stared in disbelief.

"You're...really going? But...that's so out of character!" I said.

"Indeed," said Dr Dave. "Nonetheless, as you can see I have packed and really am going, and so it must be true."

"You can't just give up!" I said. "There must be some way to stop Dr Dace!"

"The only way to stop him would be to kill him," reflected Dr Dave. "And I already did that once. It didn't take. Neither of us died when we fell off that cliff. Our story can only end with one winner, not two losers. Dr Dace has won. He will be Prime Minister. Of that I have no doubt. You must let me leave now, Wackson. There's a good lad."

I was welling up with tears by this point. "What will you even do with yourself now?" I asked.

"You know I've already fancied becoming a beekeeper, Wackson," he said. "I shall become the master of all bees. My bees will do things previously though impossible."

"I...I need you," I said, pitifully.

"You have your wife and Loktar and Inspector Tomrek," he said. "If you ever want to visit me in the countryside IN ONE MONTH'S TIME then you may do so. You will find me quite changed, Wackson. Quite changed indeed! Fare thee well!"

And so he was gone. At first I thought it was part of some scheme, some trick to defeat Dr Dace. Yet nothing happened Days turned to weeks. I decided that I had to do something to try to stop Dr Dace myself. He was way ahead of Sally Paint in all the polls, so I had to resort to desperate measures. I got Sally Paint a guest appearance on Dog Shift, but it was a disaster. She punched one of the dogs after it barked at her! It wasn't even a real dog, just a puppet, but the pupeteer stayed in character and bit her with the dog puppet teeth. She said "I hate dogs! And children!" in anger. It did not go over well with voters.

Dr Dace was elected Prime Minister. His speech on being elected showed that he was still as evil as ever.

"Thank you for electing me, you chumps!" he said. "I plan to burn this country to the ground for my own pleasure and to show Dr Dave that I, Dr Dace, am the world's greatest man! But before that I am placing a ban on beards and making it illegal for women to eat cake! And there's nothing you can do to stop me, MWAHAHAHAHAHA!"

Surprisingly many people on reddit and Twitter still supported him even after that.

It was then that I noticed that Dr Dace had been elected exactly one month after Dr Dave had moved to the countryside and I remembered Dr Dave's final words to me. That I should visit him in one month's time. Could it be? Had he a plan afterall? But this is where I reach the present day. As I said a the start of this grim tale I found Dr Dave aged and not himself anymore. Sure, he had become the master of all bees as promised, but what good was that when his once great mind was gone? There was no hope to defeat Dr Dace at all...

It was then that someone knocked on the door of Dr Dave's cottage.

"Come on in," said Dr Dave. "I have been expecting you, brother." Some bees opened the door. Prime Minister Dr Dace was standing in the doorway. I tried hard not to faint again.

TO BE CONTINUED
 
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"I had to see it for myself," said Dr Dace. "I knew you were defeated, of that I had no doube. Every possible outcome had been accounted for. But I still had to see you, one last time, see you in a state of utter defeat. I had to have that mental image stored in my brain."

"Drink it in," said Dave, plainly. He really did look utterly defeated. I felt my blood start to boil with rage as Dr Dace's eyes hungrily, almost lustfully, took in the image of my defeated friend.

"That's enough!" I said at last. "You've had your fun, villain! Leave now, let him rest!"

"Ha!" said Dr Dace. "Stupid, faifhful Wackson. Even now, in the end, you think Dr Dave still has some dignity intact. Fine, I shall leave. Thank you for leading me here."

"No!" I said. "I didn't mean to do that!"

"I knew you would come to visit him," said Dr Dace. "I followed you here...don't let it worry you. Dr Dave would have predicted it too."

"Of course," said Dr Dave. "That is why I arranged for Wackson to visit me on this day. I knew it would bring you to me, so that I would be able to offfer you my sincerest congratulations. You beat me, Dr Dace. Your plan was genius. Using Reginald Grill as a distraction? A masterstroke! All that business with George Foreman? Simply brilliant. I admire you so much. I have no problem admitting that in this case yours was the superior intellect."

"In all cases," smiled Dr Dace.

"You have your victory," said Dr Dave. "Enjoy it, old friend." I could not believe my ears.

"You know, I almost regret coming now," said Dr Dace. "See your defeated face was priceless, yes, but hearing you grovel like this...even I feel a sick sense of pity for you. I shall take my leave now, gentlemen! Good day!"

He turned to leave. And then it happened.

"JUST ONE MORE THING," said Dr Dave, rising to his feet. He dropped his cane as he stood, for he did not need it anymore. His gait was perfectly steady. His eyes now as keen as they had ever been. Even his new wrinkles seemed to lessen. Other than the greying hair he was the Dr Dave of old again.

"What the cork!" I said. Dr Dace stood in stunned silence.

"I...I don't understand," he said. "I beat you! You said so yourself! I am a human lie detector, you know that! You were telling the truth!"

"I was," said Dr Dave. "You DID beat me...for one day. AND ONE DAY ONLY! BEES, ACTIVATE!"

A whole swarm of bees flew into the cottage. They flew around Dr Dace, buzzing angrily. He looked like he wanted to run but dared not risk the stings. They all turned their stingers towards him at once.

"This was your plane, fool?" asked Dr Dace. "To sting me to death with bees?"

"No," said Dr Dave. "But to imprison you in a human bee suit of armour!" The bees all flew close to Dace now. He become invisible, completely encased in bees. If he moved but an inch he would be stung. Yet not one bee was actually touching him. It was the perfect trap.

""You cannot hope to keep me here!" he said, muffled by bees. "I told my minions that if I did not return home within an hour they were to firebomb your cottage! I think of everything!"

"Not quite everything," said Dr Dave. "For you shall be returning home...or so your minions will believe. But it won't be you at all, no...it will be ME!"

"Of course!" I said. "You're genetically identical! With some small aleterations you could loook exactly like Dr Dace! And then you would be..."

"Yes, Wackson," said Dr Dave. "The next prime minister of the United Kingdom...is I, Dr Dave!"

TO BE CONTINUED
 
"You...you are more evil even than I," said Dr Dace, after a long pause.

"Oh shut up, bee-body!" I said, as Dr Dace still looked like a man made out of bees from my point of view. "You're just SALTY - I learned that on the internet - because Dr Dave has outsmarted you again! Go cry into your bee cage, villain!"

"Poor naive Wackson," said Dr Dace. "Do you think Dr Dave defeats me out of the kindness of his heart? For the betterment of the world? We are engaged in a game, Wackson, the GREAT game. It is all that matters to Dr Dave. He and I are two sides of the same coin. He let me become Prime Minister, KNOWING that he could then replace me and rule this country himself! It's all about the power, it always has been with him...with both of us."

"That's not true!" I said. "Is it?"

"As I said, Dr Dace really did beat me for one day," said Dr Dave. "There was no way I could stop him from becoming Prime Minister. So I began to plan on how I could replace him. A simple matter really."

"Okay..." I said. But he hadn't exactly denied what Dr Dace was accusing him of.

"I have plans too!" said Dr Dace. "Plans within plans! You will fall, Dr Dave! I will escape this bee prison and be there to stand over you as you lie in the mud where you belong!"

"I think no, old friend," said Dave. "Wackson, to Downing Street! You must drive while I dye my hair."

"Of course!" I said, finally realising that Dr Dave had made his hair look grey with dye. He was already wiping off much of the stage make-up he had been wearing to make himself look old.

"He already has you as his driver!" said Dr Dace. "The power has gone to his head already. Unbelievable!"

"Don't you mean unBEElievable?" I said and even Dr Dave laughed at that witticism! We departed the cottage and I began to drive him to Downing Street. I did have one question though. "Will Dr Dace not starve to death in that bee prison?"

"No, he will have plenty of honey and dead bees to eat," said Dr Dave. "Now, I must prepare my first speech..."

Hours later we arrived at Downing Street and (after having a cup of tea,of course) Dr Dave spoke to the press for the first time as Prime Minister

"As you know, yesterday I made a speech banning beards and making it illegal for women to eat cake. OBVIOUSLY this was all a joke. I have a quirky sense of humour, it's part of the reason why you elected me! Bears are not illegal and women can eat cake. Even Jaffa Cakes! How I dod have some new laws which I shall be revealing soon...laws concerning justice and criminal behaviour. I will make the United Kingdom the safest country in the world to live in or my name isn't Dr Dace!"

"Great speech!" I said when he came into his new home 10 Downing Street. "Your approval rating on Reddit and Twitter has already fallen because of you allowing women to eat cakes, but I'm sure it'll go back up when you reveal your tough new crime laws! What are they anyway?"

"It's quite simple, Wackson," said Dr Dave. "Loktar was quite right, I have been slipping lately when it comes to help the people who really need it. There is only one solution."

"And what is that?" I asked.

"I'm going to turn the country into a police state, of course!" said Dr Dave.

TO BE CONTINUED
 
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It wasn't long before the DaceCops were up and running. They, like everyone, believed that Dr Dave was his evil brother Dr Dace, the Prime Minister of the United Kingdom. They followed Dr Dave's instructions without question, even their leader Inspector Tomtrek of the Yard. I asked Dr Dave why he didn't tell Tomtrek the truth of his identity.

"He believes Dr Dace to be Prime Minister," shrugged Dr Dave. "I can't risk anyone finding out the truth. It would place all I have worked so hard for in jeopardy..."

"Like the gameshow!" I said. "But are you sure these DaceCops are the right way to go?"

"Yes," said Dr Dave. "They will bring law and order and justice to the country. Finally we shall have...peace."

"But are the cybernetic implants really necessary?" Dr Dave had enhanced his DaveCops with cybernetic implants of his own design, turning them into cyborg cops. Robot cops. Robocops, you could say.

"Yes!" snapped Dr Dave. "Do not question me and my ways, Wackson!" I shuddered. Dr Dave had been suffering from such outbursts ever since he'd taken on Dr Dace's identity. Sometimes it was almost as if he was becoming Dr Dace...

"Sorry, Prime Minister," I said. He hardly seemed to notice. It was time for the rollout of his DaceCops. We went out into the streets of London to watch. His cyborg cops poured out through trapdoors (London his many hidden trapdoors) and shocked the people of London.

"CITIZENS, REMAIN CALM!" said the lead DaceCop. "OBEY THE LAW AND YOU WILL HAVE NOTHING TO WORRY ABOUT."

"Isn't it glorious, Wackson?" asked Dr Dave.

"Well, no," I said, honestly. "It's a bit scary?"

"Look, they've found Loktar!" said Dr Dave.

"What's going on!" said Loktar on his bench, when a DaceCop grabbed him.

"CITIZEN, YOU ARE BREAKING THE LAW AGAINST HOGGING A BENCH," saidt he DaceCop. "YOU ARE UNDER ARREST."

"This isn't what I wanted!" said Loktar, looking at Dr Dave in panic as he was dragged off the bench. "This isn't what I waaaaaanted!!!" He was thrown into the back of a DaceVan and driven away to DacePrison without trial.

"HAHAHAHA," laughed Dr Dave, evily. "AAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"

I slapped my friend in the face.

"What!" said Dr Dave. "Wackson! That was completely out of character!"

"I've had enough!" I said. "You've clearly turned evil! Ever since you became Prime Minister every action you've taken has been that of a villain!"

"They have all seemed perfectly logical to me," said Dr Dave, as we watched DaceCops arrest people for wearing ugly shoes.

"Then something has happened to your brain!" I said.

"Hmm," said Dr Dave. "HMM! If something HAD happened to my brain, then, logically, I would not know about it as my brain would have been altered in such a way that I would be unaware..."

"Exactly!" I said. "But I, your most faithful companion, would notice!"

"Unless YOU are the one who has been altered!" said Dr Dave, with an intense look on his face. "But no. I see that you are the same Wackson as ever. Which, logicaly, means that you are telling the truth...and my brain HAS been altered. Even though from my point of view I feel like every action I have taken has been for the greater good...that cannot be the case."

"No," I said. "It most certainly is not. Your robot cops just arrested a woamn for wearing a skirt that's too short! MY Dr Dave would never allow that!"

"Then there is only one conclusion," said Dr Dave. "I have been poisoned by Dr Dace! Wackson, to Downing Street! I must undergo a radical detox!"

TO BE CONTINUED
 
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"LET ME OUT OF THIS STINKING ROOM OR I SWEAR I'LL PEAL YOUR SKIN OFF THEN PEAL WHAT'S UNDER YOUR SKIN OFF THEN TICKLE YOU TO DEATH!" shouted Dr Dave through the door of the room I'd locked him in. I'd been acting under his orders, of course, as he was undergoing radical detox. He'd warned me that coming off the drugs would drive him insane and cause him to shout hurtful things at me. I looked down at the card he'd handed me before I'd locked the door.

"Under no circumstances are you to unlock this door, Wackson," I said reading it to myself out loud. "I have used science to calculate that I must be kept in the room alone for exactly 28 hours before the effects of the drugs Dr Dace laced my tea with wear off. No more or no less! Afer 27 hours I will be myself again and we can finally put an end to the dastard."

It had been 26 hours and 8 minutes. Just another hour and 52 minutes to go. I waited patiently. Dr Dave would occasionaly shout something at me like "I WILL PISS ON YOUR GRAVE WITH ANGRY URINE, WACKSON!" but I ignored the hurtful words. I knew it was not his fault...

Finally the time had elapsed. The instant the stop watch clicked to 28 hours I unlocked the door. Dr Dave came walking out, calmly, as if nother were amiss.

"Well, that was unpleasant," he said. "But I'm me again. We must disband the DacCops at once and free all those I imprisoned for wearing ugly shoes!"

"And Loktar?" I asked.

"His shoes weren't bad," said Dr Dave. "In all seriousness, Wackson, it was horrible to be transformed into that monster. My so called brother...to see through his eyes. To think with his brain. The wrost part was that I could see nothing wrong with it. To me it felt...normal."

"It was the drugs!" I said. "Don't feel guilty, Dr Dave, you fine fellow."

"We must put an end to this," he said, as if he hadn't heard me. "As long as he lives Dr Dace will try to harm the world...and he does so to hurt me, knowing that I love the world so. One or both of us must die, Wackson."

"Well, make it him then!" I said. "What have you got there?" Dr Dave had pulled out a gun.

"I hava created a gun coded to Dr Dace and my shared DNA," said Wackson. "One bullet from this gun shall kill either of us. Come, Wackson. To my cottage. To the prison of bees."

We drove in silence. I didn't want to think about the gun Dr Dave had created. We arrived at the cottage. We found the bees still flying there, in the shape of Dr Dace.

"Well, he's still impisoned then,"I said, relieved.

"Ha!" came a voice. Dr Dace stepped out from behind some barrels, holding a shotgun. "Did you not think I would master the bees, fools? Anything Dr Dave can do I can do too! I found your shotgun too!"

"Indeed," said Dr Dave. "I knew you would master the bees, Dace, it was obvious. That's why I left a BOOBY TRAPPED shotgun for you to find."

"Ha!" said Dr Dace. "I knew you'd leave a booby trapped shotgun for me to find! So I went to the next cottage over and stole their shotgun instead! Every cottage has a shotgun!"

"Indeed," said Dr Dave. "I knew you'd know I'd booby trapped my shotgun, so I booby trapped every shotgun in the area!"

"Ha!" said Dr Dace. "I actually built this shotgun out of old toilet rolls!"

"Indeed," said Dr Dave. "I booby trapped those too!"

"The great game continues!" said Dr Dace.

"STOP THIS" I said. "This is no game! Your DaceCops put many people in prison just for having ugly shoes, that was no joke! You two cannot continue this war, not if the rest of the world has to pay!"

"Good luck ending it, HAHAHAHAHAHA!" said Dr Dace.

"Oh, he can end it, brother," said Dr Dave. "Check your coat pocket, Wackson. I slipped you something."

I checked and found the DNA gun. I gasped.

"A DNA gun?" asked Dr Dace. "Surely you can't mean to..."

"There is only one end to this," said Dr Dave. "There has only ever been one end. Join me, brother, in taking my last bow."

"No...." said Dace. I stared at the gun in my hands.

"Kill us both, Wackson," said Dr Dave.

TO BE CONTINUED
 
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"I...I can't!" I said.

"You said it yourself, Wackson," said Dr Dave, firmly but not unkindly. "This war between us cannot be allowed to continue. The rest of the world is suffering. Inspector Tomtrek of the Yard has turned to alcohol, for example. What if he gets drunk and falls on a squid? They could both die!"

"You'll never kill your best friend, you worm!" spat out Dr Dace. I kept pointing the DNA gun at him.

"Oh he will," said Dr Dave. "Wackson has a logical mind, buried under his base desires. He has learned, after all, from the best. From me. Wackson sees the truth. He knows that I tried to kill us both before, but I did not get the job done. Only a DNA gun can truly end this."

"Why not live?" asked Dr Dace, sensing now that Dr Dave was speaking the truth. "Why not rule the world TOGETHER, as brothers! You saw how easy it was to become Prime Minister. We could be co-president of the entire world in a year or less!"

Dr Dave thought about it for a moment. "Because I am your opposite number," he said. "We were created to oppose each other. I know that I could do a better job ruling this planet than anyone else, but I also know that the power would corrupt me. Whereas you crave the corruption!"

"I would make people I don't like eat poo!" said Dr Dace.

"And for as long as we both live you will continue to attempt to do so," said Dr Dave. "If I were to die you would have no reason to continue...but you'd also go out in a blaze of glory, killing Wackson in some horrible way."

"I'd make him eat poo!" said Dr Dace. I shuddered. I didn't much fancy eating poo.

"End this, Wackson," said Dr Dave, sadly. "I am so tired. So very very tired."

"I will never forget you, Dr Dave," I said, finding my voice at last. "I'm sorry...goodbye!" I pulled the trigger. I shot Dr Dave straight through his beautiful heart. He fell to the floor dead.

"I...I can't believe it!" said Dr Dace. I shot him in the head without a second thought. I stared at my hands.

"What have I done?" I asked the universe. "WHAT HAVE I DONE!"

"What you had to do," said a familiar voice. "What you always do. Turned death into a fighting chance to live." I turned. Dr Dave was speaking from the floor...alive.

"By cork or by fork!" I declared. "But how! I thought I was killing you?"

"Indeed," said Dr Dave. "You had to believe, so that Dr Dace would believe. That was not a DNA gun at all...but a Dace coma gun, designed only to put Dr Dace in a coma. The bullet hurt me but only enough to knock me to the floor. With Dr Dace, shot in the chest as you shot me, it would simply put him in an instant coma."

"But I shot him in the head!" I said. Dr Dave looked at Dr Dace's body.

"Oh, he's dead then," he shrugged

TO BE CONCLUDED
 
Some bees came and carried Dr Dace's body away. Dr Dave and I exited the cabin and drove away in silence. Then I heard an explosion. I looked back and saw the cabin turned to a fireball. The fired raged on, spreading to the nearby forest and killing many trees. Dr Dave kept driving at the same speed, unconcerned.

"You burned it all down just to protect me?" I asked at last. "To cover up my murder of Dr Dace?"

"What? No, no, not at all," said Dr Dave. "This was all planned. I had the bees build an underground lair, a mile below the cabin, where they took Dr Dace's body. They'll all be quite safe there, but I had to make sure there was no marker of the site so I set the cabin to explode."

"Those are some clever bees!" I said, in awe. "So does that mean Dr Dace...is alive?"

"Who knows!" said Dr Dave. "Logically he should be dead, but he has defeated logic many times in the past. It wouldn't surprise me if he somehow survived this. Luckily I had the bees build a virtual reality environment in my secret underground lair. Dr Dace shall be plugged into it and, if he is ever to wake, he will find himself in that reality believing it to be or reality. He will live out the rest of his days in a computer simulation where he can't harm anyone."

"Those bees came through again!" I said. "So, where are we going now?"

"To Downing Street, of course," said Dr Dave. "I must resign as Prime Minister, diguised as Dr Dace."

"Are you not tempted to remain in power?" I asked, carefully. "All the good you could do..."

"That power would turn me into a monster," he said, firmly. "No, I must step down. My skills are needed elsewhere."

When we arrived at Downing Street the press were already there, waiting. Dr Dave stood before them, dressed in the suit Dr Dace had worn when he'd been named Prime Minister. They all believed him to be Dace.

"My fellow Britishmen," he said. "I am here to step down as Prime Minister, effective immediately!"

"No!" they cried as one. "We won't allow it!"

"But I told outrageous lies when I was campaigning!" said Dr Dave. "I'm not really going to build a wall around France or deport all the Jedi!"

"We don't care, we love you!" they shouted.

"I'm in bed with the Russians! They fixed the whole election for me! Also I'm racist, sexist, homophobic and I hate kittens!"

"We are all those things too!" they cried, even the women and kittens.

"This calls for drastic measures," he said to me. Then he took out some lipstick. Everyone looked surprised. Dr Dave put the lipstick on. "I'm really a woman!" he said.

There were murmurs of disapproval. "A woman? Eww!"

"And I used the wrong email account once or something!" he said, on a roll now. They booed and threw rotten tomatoes at him.

"Boo! You're a monster! You can't be our Prime Minister anymore, Dace! Boo! Wrong email!" Dr Dave and I stepped away, pleased.

"That went well," he said. "I suppose the Deputy PM will take over now. Charles BASTARD, wasn't it?"

"Yes," I said, shuddering. "I supposed he can't be any worse than Dace!" We watched as Loktar returned to his park bench. Loktar nodded to us and lay down.

"That about wraps all the loose ends up!" I said. "Oh, what about MesmerMan? He was an important part of Dace's plans."

"When I was evil I had him killed!" shrugged Dr Dave.

"Oh!" I said. "So all the loose ends really are tied up! What now?"

"Now, Wackson?" asked Dr Dave. "Why, now we go back to doing what we do best: fighting crime. This country still needs cleaning up. But the only way to do it isn't with mind control or drugs or bees or power. No, the way to do it is only one way: good old fashioned detective work!"

"Bravo!" I said. "And if we have time, we could watch that DVD boxset of Frasier I bought. Niles is my favourite character!"

"Only if we have time," said Dr Dave.

THE END

POST CREDITS SCENE

Dr Dace woke to find himself still alive and still in Dr Dave's cabin. His brother and Wackson had left him, believing him to be dead. The fools. He would rebuild. He would come up with a plan that they would never be able to stop...

The bees watching Dr Dace as he lay in his bed in Dr Dave's secret underground lair smiled bee smiles to each other. The virtual reality was working perfectly.
 
I hope I'm still off the bench in the virtual reality at least. They're really starting to complain about the park bench at the DMV.
 
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