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Dr Dave And The Impossible Crime

CaptainWacky

CaptainWacky

I want to smell dark matter
Prologue

Dr Dave ran frantically. Killer Joe was closing in on him fast. He had a knife in both hands and he was even holding a knife with the toes of one of his feet. He had killed ten geniuses and was determined to make Dr Dave the eleventh.

"When the blood of the eleventh genius pours on the ground, the doorway to the Dark Realm shall open and Bad Brad's minons shall infest the Earth!" That was what he'd said when we'd found him at his lair. He'd launch a frenzied knife attack at Dr Dave, completely ignoring me. It had been so frenzied that Dr Dave had had no choice but to free. I had tried to slow Killer Joe using my own martial arts skills, but he had merely planted me on the floor with a Rock Bottom and continued his pursuit of my genius friend.

Dr Dave climbed a fire escape, reaching the rooftop of the park bench factory. He ran along it while Joe continued to follow. I had to admit that I was impressed by how quickly Killer Joe could move with two knives in his hands and a knife held by one foot. Dr Dave stopped at the end of the roof. The next building was too far away for Dr Dave to jump to it. He was trapped!

"And now you, the eleventh and greatest genius, shall die!" said Killer Joe.

"Yawn," said Dr Dave. "You really are quite boring, Killer Joe. This case was not as singular as I first believed it to be. Not very singular at all, in fact!"

"You lie!" said Killer Joe. "It took you weeks to find me!"

"No, I just waited weeks to go to your lair because Wackson and I wanted to finish the Frasier DVD set first."

"Ha! A likely story! You didn't managed to stop me killing the first ten geniuses anyway!"

"You randomly blew them up at the annual genius convention. There was no way to stop that. And they should have found bomb themselves, being geniuses."

"If only you had been at the convention too, like you were supposed to be!"

"I never attend such conventions because I know all it would take is one bomb to wipe out the genius community!"

"Bomb or knife, it makes no different. NOW YOU DIE!" He ran towards Dr Dave. My friends sighed and dropped his head. Killer Joe went flying over Dr Dave's head as he stood back up again, performing a perfect back body drop. Killer Joe fell out of sight off the roof as I ran over to Dr Dave have finally caught up.

"You...you killed him!" I said.

"No, he will rot in prison," said Dr Dave, directing me to look over the edge. I saw that Killer Joe had landed on a pile of mattresses. He was hurt from the fall but still alive.

"You placed mattresses there!" I said.

"Of course," said Dr Dave. "Three weeks ago, when we were watching one of those episodes with Daphne's brothers in it. I can't stand them. I knew exactly that would happen on this day. It was all...elementary."

"Well!" I said. "You must be pleased with yourself."

"No, Wackson," he sighed. "I am not. Solving this crime was no challenge at all. I need something more challenging, something that will truly test me..."

My mobile telephone rang. It was a message from Inspector Tomtrek of the Yard. I gasped as I read it.

"You won't believe this!" I said. "Inspector Tomtrek of the Yard has a cirme he wants us to look into...and he says it is a crime that was absolutely impossible!"

Dr Dave's eyes lit up.
 
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Dr Dave and I arrived at the Grainger mansion. The Grainger family, who made their fortune from coal-powered toilets, had lived there for many generations. It had been a place of happiness for their coal-loving family, but now it was a place of crime. A place of so called impossible crime.

"What's so impossible about this crime, then?" asked Dr Dave, barging into the mansion. The whole place was covered in crime scene tape.

"Why, it's impossible, it is!" said Inspector Tomtrek of the Yard.

"Yes, but how so?" asked Dr Dave, impatiently.

"A gold-plated coal-powered toilet was stolen!" said Tomtrek. Dr Dave looked at him with disdain.

"That's it?" I asked. "No murders, no long lost twins?"

"The toilet was kept in the most secure toilet vault ever invented!" said Tomtrek. "It was designed by Harold Vault himself!"

"A Harold Vault vault?" asked Dr Dave, suddenly interested. "He was the father of Samantha Vault, one of the ten geniuses blown into atoms by Killer Joe."

"Was she hot?" I asked.

"Verily it was so!" said Dr Dave.

"The dastard!" I said. "Maybe we can avenge her death a little by finding this toilet."

"There's more!" said Tomtrek. "The vault is a mile underground. It would be impossible to tunnel in and no such tunnel was found. There's only one entrance, and that's an elevator in the main hall of Grainger Mansion. A party was being thrown with a hundred guests on the day the toilet was stolen, no one could have gotten into that elevator without being noticed and no one could have come out with a massive coal-powered, gold-plated toilet!"

"I already have seventeen possible solutions," said Dr Dave. "Let us begin!"

TO BE CONTINUED
 
possible solutions: Gold plated coal powered toilet miniaturized with a shrink ray. Invisibility cloak/potion.
 
Tomtrek took his leave after introducing us to Barry and Karen Grainger, the famous Grainger siblings. "Got to go catch a cat who's been eating too many mice!" said Tomtrek. He was an unusual police officer.

"SOLUTION THE FIRST," said Dr Dave suddenly, shocking myself and the Grainger siblings. "The toilet was never in the vault in the first place!"

"Of course it was!" scoffed Karen. "We all saw it being put there and there's CCTV footage of the entire time the toilet was down there!"

"I used to watch it to help me sleep," confirmed Barry Grainger.

"Well if there's such footage then why not just watch that to find out what happened!" I ejaculated.

"I suspect the camera mysteriously stopped rercording shortly before the toilet disappeared," said Dr Dave.

"That's right, " said Karen. "There's no footage at all from half an hour before the toilet was lost. It was only when the toilet detector alarm went off that we knew something was up."

"Old Man Winkins is in charge of the CCTV," said Barry. "I have a good mind to fire him and beat him to death in that order!"

"How do you know he didn't steal the toilet, or conspired with a toilet thief?" I asked.

"Wilkins is a hundred years old and used to work for our grand parents," said Barry. "He wouldn't be involved in such a thing."

"We keep him employed due to his loyalty to the family," said Karen.

"And because we don't have to pay him," said Barry.

"Well, yes, that too," said Karen.

"SOLUTION THE SECOND," said Dr Dave. "Every single person at the party was an actor OR ACTRESS hired by some unknown agent who wanted the toilet stolen. They broke the toilet down into a hundred pieces and each smuggled a part out."

"Ooooh, that's a good one!" I said.

"Impossible again!" said Karen. "Barry and I knew everyone at that party and have even slept with some of them!"

"I slept with four of them that aftenoon!" said Barry. "We were tired after playing Nintendo Switch and decided to take a nap."

"Ah, but as you two were at the party, you would also be a actors OR ACTRESSES, right Dr Dave?" I said.

"Indeed," said Dr Dave, looking them up and down. "INDEED. I sense some trickery in you two so called Grainger siblings. Is it mere incest like with most rich families? Or something more sinister!"

"We're not actors," said Karen. "Check any gossip magazine going back years, there's thousands of photos of us and our suspicious physical closeness."

"We're just a very close family, okay!" said Barry. "Very...very...close..."

"He's staring at her bottom!" I said.

"Damn it!" said Barry. "Can't resist that sweet sister bottom."

"Oh, okay, we're into incest," said Karen. "We were incesting at the time the toilet was stolen and didn't see what was happening at the party. But that doesn't mean everyone there was an actor OR ACTRESS. Although...there was one person there neither of us had ever seen before. The one person there who also could never possibly have seen us before..."

"A blind man!" said Dr Dave.

"He's looking at her bottom again!" said I.

"Mmmm," said Barry.

TO BE CONTINUED
 
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"We need to find this blind man who was at the party," I said. "He could be the key to everything!"

"Yes, Wackson, quite," said Dr Dave. "You don't have to actually tell me these things, I am the world's greatest detective after all."

"Sorry," I said. "But where can we find a blind man? They're notoriously good at hiding!"

"Our first port of call will be with Old Man Winkins!" said Dr Dave. "As master of closed circuit television he will have footage of all the party guests...unless that has been tampered with as well."

"But he's a hundred years old!" I said. "He's probably racist!"

"True," said Dr Dave. "Yet we may be able to glean some information from him." We headed to the office where Winkins was. A young man with long hair was outside.

"Out of our way, we need Winkins!" I said.

"Woah, aren't you Wackson? The loyal companion to detective Dr Dave?" He looked at me in awe.

"Why, yes," I said.

"I read all your blogs and talk about you and Dr Dave on the chatty rooms!" he said. "You're pretty cool, Wackson, but Dr Dave is my hero and I'd love to meet him!"

"Maybe you shall one day," said Dr Dave. The young man looked closely at him.

"Woah!" he said. "I didn't recognise you as a human. I usually look at fan art of you where you're a cat. Dr Dave, I can't believe it!"

"A cat?" I asked. "How perverse!"

"Exactly!" said the young man. "Anyway, Winkins is having a nap. He's tired from the last nap he took. I hang out with him sometimes, I'm the gardener, Marty."

"Like in Back to the Future!" I said.

"No," said Marty. "Not like that at all."

"And were you at the party, Marty?" asked Dr Dave, and he kept a straight face as always.

"Totally, dude!" he said. "That party was LIT! I met this really smart girl there, like she worse glasses and knew about maths and everything! I nearly made out with her but I asked her to dress up as a cat first so she refused."

"Anyone else?" asked Dr Dave.

"There was a girl with snakes in her hair," said Marty. "I said I wanted to kiss her and she said she wanted to HISS me. It was weird."

"What about a blind man?" I asked.

"Yeah, there was a guy in dark glasses who I've never seen before!" said Marty. "He walked into a wall eight times so he must have been blind. He left before the end of the party, through that window over there. He thought it was a door. I would have helped him but I was hitting on a girl with nine belts on."

"Fascinating," said Dr Dave. He went over to the window and looked out. "Most fascinating indeed! But now we must awaken winkins from his slumber, for I have an important question for him!"

We charged into the office...and found Winkins behind his desk pointing a shotgun at us.

"I won't let you steal any more toilet, you villains!" he said. And pulled the trigger.

TO BE CONTINUED
 
The shotgun turned to dust in his hands as I braced for impact and Dr Dave looked on unconcerned.

"Blast!" said Winkins. "You can't find a good gun these days!"

"That gun was seventy seven years old," said Dr Dave. "I can instantly date any gun just by looking at it. I knew it would turn to dust."

"Well it was new when I bought it!" said Winkins. Then he started crying. "Everything was new once..."

"Why the fork did you try to kill us!" I asked, not moved by his crying. I did not like attempts at murder, especially not on my person!

"Easy now, Wackson," said Dr Dave. "The old timer was just confused."

"I'm not so old!" spat out Winkins. "But I'm old enough to remember!"

"And what is it you remember?" asked Dr Dave, leaning closer to the old man.

"The horrors of toilet theft," shuddered Winkins. "I was there! I WAS THERE when the grand parents of the current Grainger bras invented the world's first coal-powered gold-plated toilet! I remember seeing it for the first time, a hundred years ago!"

"But you'd a hundred, Barry Grainger said so!" I said. "How could you remember something from the year you were born!"

"I'm a hundred and four, okay!" said Winkins. "People always round down my age, the bricks. I was four when the first Grainger toilet was produced. Seeing it is probably my earliest memory. Oh, it was so beautiful. So gold. And the healthy smell of coal it produced...you have no idea! And I also remember the horror when THAT toilet was stolen!"

"The first Grainger toilet was also stolen?" I asked. "I kind of assumed that the one in the vault was the original."

"Then you are a fool!" said Winkins. "That toilet was just a cheap reproduction, not even approaching the glory of the original!"

"Indeed," said Dr Dave, thinking about this. "A hundred year old crime...reproduced. And you the only person alive who could remember said original crime..."

"I didn't do it!" stammered Winkins. "I was in here, trying to watch the toilet vault CCTV, but it wasn't working! So I watched cat videos instead. I could show you the cat videos if you don't believe me!"

"Please do!" I said.

"That won't be necessary," said Dr Dave, crushing me. "Thank you for your help, Winkins!"

"HMMPH!" said Winkins.

"What does this all mean?" I asked as we left the office.

"It means this case just got interesting!" said Dr Dave.

"Interesting?" said a woman's voice. "I have an interest in interesting." Standing before us was none other than famous Hollywood movie star Lennifer Jawrence.

TO BE CONTINUED
 
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"How many people are in this mansion!" I ejaculated.

"Lennifer Jawrence," said Dr Dave. "Star of such movies as The Hungry Hippos and CHRISTMAS SEX."

"That's right," she said. "Just got the script for CHRISTMAS SEX 2: SANTA'S SACK. It's good!"

"You were at the party?" I asked. "When the toilet was stolen?"

"Of course, I go to every party here. The Graingers have the best hamburgers," she said, dreamily.

"They're also into incest!" I said.

"At least they're not into inSECTS!" she countered and I conceded to this argument.

"Why are you still here, so long after the party?" asked Dr Dave.

"I ate too many hamburgers and had to sleep them off," she said. "Just woke up. Terrible news about the gold-plated toilet. I really would have loved to have shat in that thing."

"Wouldn't we all!" I said.

"Still, a busy Hollywood star like you, sleeping here for a day after a party?" asked Dr Dave. "I would think you would be busy with the Hollywood life of being photographed kissing Taylor Swift and doing lots of drugs."

"Even I'm allowed a day off," she said, defensively. "What are you accusing me off anyway? You don't think I stol ethe toilet, do you? To further my career somehow? Because I believe that toilet will grant anyone who shits in it secret powers? Because I'm sexually obsessed with toilets and coal and the idea of a coal-powered toilet arouse me like no man or Taylor Swift ever could? Because of all those reasons AND MORE?"

"No, because your hands are covered in coal," said Dr Dave.

"Aww, shit!" she said and ran off.

"I loved you in Bastard Patrol!" I shouted after her. "Do you think she's the thief?"

"I don't know," said Dr Dave. "How could a Hollywood starlet possibly have broken into a Harold Vault vault? And if she really was the master criminal, why would she have stayed at the scene of the crime for days with coal-covered hands?"

"Maybe that coal on her hands is a new type of Hollywood cocaine that looks like coal!" I said.

"Good thinking, Wackson," said Dr Dave, proud of me. "But it did not set off the cocaine alarm I carry on my person at all times. No, Wackson, there is more to this Lennifer Jawrence than mere coal-coloured cocaine."

"I hope she's the last suspect, I'm starting to lose count!" I said. But just then we saw a figure in a cloak watching from behind a clock. The cloaked figure ducked completely behind it and seemed to disappear.

"A secret clock-passage!" said Dr Dave, checking behind it. We headed in. It was a passage behind the walls of the mansion. We saw the cloaked figure standing at the end of it.

"Stop right there!" I said.

"She isn't going to go anywhere," said Dr Dave. "She wanted us to find her here."

"SHE?" I asked. "How do you know it's a she?"

"Because," said the woman, taking her hood down. "He knows my outline better than anyone's."

"By jove!" I said. "Miss Tisiphone Adler!"

"That's right," she said, then looked at Dr Dave. "And I'm here to warn you that both your lives are in danger!"

"Well, what else is new," said Dr Dave.

TO BE CONTINUED
 
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"It is good to see you again, Miss Adler," I said. "I'm surely you've had many outrageous adventures since we last met."

"Well, the one with the Pope was pretty outrageous," she admitted. "But that's not important right now! I'm here for a reason."

"Let me guess, you were at the party as part of some blackmailing scheme," said Dr Dave.

"My clients, the jilted ex-lovers of both Grainger siblings, wanted me to collect evidence of their incest and use it for blackmail," she confirmed. "But they just stood there openly making out during the party! They said they don't care who knows about their sick relationship, incest is cool now thanks to Game of Thrones."

"Never seen it," I said. I hated modern tv. Frasier was as new as I'd go!

"And you heard something, something that intrugied you," said Dr Dave.

"That's pretty easy to deduce, don't act so smug," said Tisiphone. Their relationship was often frosty. "I was searching for secret passageways, as all old manions have them, when I found this one. While in here powerdering my nose I heard a voice mentioned your name, Dr Dave, and your name, Wackson. The voice then mentioned something abot drowing you both!"

"No!" I said. "Drowning can kill you!"

"Yes, I believe that would be the intention!" said Tisiphone.

"You just so HAPPENED to hear it," said Dr Dave. "And whose voice was it?"

"I don't now, they were using some kind of voice distortion tool," said Tisi. "Whoever it was, they were a professional."

"Do you know anything about the toilet being stolen?" I asked.

"All I know is that it should have been impossible," said Tisiphone. "I must admit, it was a very impressive crime!"

"Let us take our leave, Wackson, this woman has nothing more for us!" said Dr Dave.

"But if we leave the secret passage we might be drowned!" I said.

"If we stay we might be drowned!" said Dr Dave. "You can live your life forever in fear of being drowned, Wackson. Let us go and inspect the elevator leading to the vault." He started to walk out.

"Oh, bye then," said Tisiphone. "I'll just stay in these passages...I have other people to listen in on."

"I'm sure you do," said Dr Dave, bitterly. We left the passage. Karen Grainger was standing outside it.

"Making out in our secret passage? Barry and I used to do that," she said, wistfully.

"Do you make a habit of standing outside this secret passage, saying things?" asked Dr Dave.

"Of course not," she said. "I know the passage is there, I wouldn't spill any secrets in front of it in case someone was listening." She walked off.

"That sounded like a clue!" I said.

"Indeed," said Dr Dave. "To the elevator!"

TO BE CONTINUED
 
Dr Dave and I insepcted the outside of the elevator thoroughly. It appeared to be a normal elevator.

"Interesting, wouldn't you say?" asked Dr Dave. I wasn't sure what he was talking about so had to bluff.

"Very interesting!" I said.

"In what way?" he asked.

"The...the doors!" I said. "The way they...slide open."

"Like any other elevator," said Dr Dave.

"Indeed!" said I. "Like that!"

"Good point, Wackson," said Dr Dave, nodding with respect. "This elevator leads into a Harold Vault vault, yet it is just a simple, everyday elevator with no special features. That is fascinating indeed..."

We entered the elevator. It was of normal size. "Almost not large enough to fit the gold-plated coal-powered toilet inside," I observed.

"No, I estimate that one full sized man or one and a quarter full sized women or two midgets could fit in here with the toilet," said Dr Dave. "How they would managed to carry its massive weight into the elevator is another matter!"

"There doesn't seem to be anything else in here..." I said.

"What about THAT?" asked Dr Dave, pointing at the corner of the elevator. There was a small speck of gold there.

"Gold!" I said. "So the toilet definitely was in this elevator."

"So it would seem," said Dr Dave. "Now let us go down to the vault and see all that there is to see."

We rode the elevator down. When the door opened, we found Marty the Gardener in the vault.

"You!" I said. "Returning to the scene of the crime because it brings you sexual arousal! I knew it was you all along! I never trusted how your name rhymes with party!"

"No, dude!" said Marty. "I'm just, uhh, looking for my bong."

"You're a stoner?" asked Dr Dave, beginning to shake with rage.

"Bong is my cat's name," said Marty.

"Oh, just tell them the truth," said a female voice. A woman with snakes in her hair came out from behind a vault pillar. "We were down here making out, okay? Is that a crime?"

"Are those snakes alive?" I asked.

"Yes," she said and the snakes hissed at me.

"Ah yes, Marty mentioned you earlier," said Dr Dave. "He turned his affections to you after the girl with the glasses on refused to dress up as a cat."

"What!" she said. "I was second choice to Glasses Geri? I've never been so insulted in all my life, not even that time someone said my snakes looked plastic!"

"Dude, I can explain!" said Marty. "She was hotter than you!"

"Grrr," said snake girl.

"Have you or your snakes happened to have seen a blind man around here?" asked Dr Dave.

"Oh yeah, I forgot there was a blind man," I said, as new characters were being introduced with every post.

"Yes, my snakes actually did see a blind man wandering around the garden earlier," she said. "I was going to help him but he fell down a well and I couldn't think of a way to get him out. So I forgot about him and came down here to make out with Marty instead"

"TO THE WELL!" said Dr Dave.

TO BE CONTINUED
 
"WHO ARE YOU?" Dr Dave immediately shouted down the well.

"He could have been hurt or killed when he fell down," I pointed out.

"Nonsense, nobody's ever died falling down a well," said Dr Dave. "I'LL SAY IT AGAIN, WHO ARE YOU?"

"I don't know, I'm blind!" came a voice from the well.

"Of course!" I said. "Blind people can never look in a mirror, so they don't know who they are!"

"That's not a thing, Wackson," said Dr Dave. "This blind man is concealing his identity despite being trapped down a well. Truly he must have something to hide."

"Perhaps he can really see!" I said. "And he knows about the incest!"

"WHAT INCEST?" shouted the blind man from the well.

"Keep it down!" said Dr Dave.

"Were you instructing someone to keep me down this well?" asked the blind man. "I have rights!"

"Just let me think!" snapped Dr Dave. "We're assuming this blind man knows something because no one knew who he was. But what if he didn't know where HE was? You, blind man, where do you think you are?"

"Down a well!" he said.

"But where IS that well?" pressed Dr Dave.

"At the cheese shop!" he said. "I came to buy some cheese! Then I heard something about a solid golden toilet being stolen and a killer ostrich and tried to leave, then I fell down a well."

"He is useless!" said Dr Dave, marching away. I followed.

"Shouldn't we at least pull him out of the well?" I asked.

"A fireman will come by and save him sometime," said Dr Dave. "We're making no progress on this case! It truly is an impossible crime!"

"Indeed!" said I. "Let's go home and start rewatching Frasier."

"Hang on," said Dr Dave. "That blind cretin mentioned a killer ostrich. We had not heard of that before..."

"There ain't no killer ostrich and there never was!" said Winkins, jumping out from behind a bush with an onstrich.

"Help me!" said Lennifer Jawrence, jumping out from behind the same bush. "This ostrich has been trying to kill me!"

TO BE CONTINUED
 
"Arrest that ostrich!" I said to Dr Dave.

"I'm not a police officer, Wackson, we've been over this before," said Dr Dave, patiently.

"Call Inspector Tomtrek of the Yard and have HIM arrest that ostrish!" I said. "It has besmirched the good name of Lennifer Jawrence!"

"It tried to ostrich me to death!" she said. "It was hooting and hollering and ostriching all up in my face!"

"And how would that have resulted in your death?" asked Dr Dave.

"Well...it could have annoyed me to death," she said.

"My precious ostrich ain't not no killer or nothing!" said Winkins. "I'm sick of people accusing it!"

"I think I know what's going on here," said Dr Dave.

"Me too," said I. "The ostrich stolen the golden toilet!"

"No!" snapped Dr Dave. "This is all a distraction. Winkins, how long have you owned this ostrich?"

"Err...thirty seven years?" said Winkins.

"Just as I thought," said Dr Dave. "The world's oldest ostrich was only thirty six when it died. And that one was on special drugs! Either Winkins has some kind of Miracle Ostrich or this is all a big scam!"

"It really did hoot and holler," said Jawrence.

"I'm sure it did, but Winkins has no real affection for this ostrich," said Dr Dave. "This is all being done to distract me from the real truth of this crime."

"Okay, I confess!" said Winkins, kicking the ostrich away. "I hate ostriches! I was paid to set this ostrich on Lennifer Jawrence by...I can't say!"

"You can and will!" I said.

"No, I was just handed a note and a key to the ostrich cage under my door," said Winkins. "They said they'd pay me FIVE DOLLARS for running wild with this ostrich. That was a lot of money fifty years ago!"

"Who could have done this?" I asked.

"Someone who is attempting to escape RIGHT THIS MINUTE!" said Dr Dave. "Think about it, this plan was hasty and poorly thought out. Winkins instantly told us the truth because he's desperate for someone to like him."

"It's true, I have no friends but my fellow internet trolls," said Winkins.

"TO THE MANSION, WACKSON," said Dr Dave. "AND FAST."

We ran to the mansion, Jawrence following not far behind, the ostrich behind her and Winkins trailing at the back. We ran inside...and found Barry and Karen Grainger trying to squeeze a gold plated, coal-powered toilet out of the window.

"Uhh...this isn't what it looks like?" said Karen.

TO BE CONTINUED
 
"They stole their own toilet!" I said. "The capes!"

"Capes isn't an insult, Wackson," said Dr Dave. "But yes, it would APPEAR what you are saying is correct."

"No!" said Karen. "This really isn't what it looks like!"

"This isn't the original gold plated toilet, it's the seventeenth gold plated toilet ever made," said Barry. "We were going to pretend it was the original and sell it to fund our sick lifestyle!"

"A likely story!" said Winkins. "I always knew these two were up to no good, what with the incest and the fact that they cloned dinosaurs to hunt to exctinction again!"

"We just like incest and killing dinosaurs, okay!" said Karen. "That doesn't make us evil! Our parents cut us off because they were sick of all the dead dinosaurs lying all over the house, so we had to steal this toilet to make our way in the world!"

"And start a family!" said Barry. I shuddered.

"Uhh, that's sick," said Lennifer Jawrence. "Dinosaurs are cool!"

"Obviously they stole the original toilet too and have been playing us all along!" said Winkins.

"That would appear to solve the impossible crime," I said. "They know this mansion better than anyone, they could have gotten the toilet out of here using some means we have not yet figured out."

"No," said Dr Dave. "I do not accept it at all. These two do not have the brains to stage a seemingly impossible crime."

"Thanks!" said Barry and Karen.

"Then who!" said Jawrence. "Or should I say, whom? Seriously, I don't know when to use who and when to use whom."

"Oh, that's quite simple, now that I have finally figured it out," said Dr Dave. "This is indeed an impossible crime, a crime that has stumped even me. The evidence, the suspects, none of it adds up, none of it provides a solution...which means this crime was carefully planned by someone with a genius level intellect. Someone like...SAMANTHA VAULT."

"Who?" asked Jawrence.

"Dr Dave mentioned her earlier," I said. "She was the daughter of Harold Vault, the inventor of the toilet vault, but she was blown up by Killer Joe with the other nine geniuses."

"Or so I believed," said Dr Dave. "I now realise that she faked her death but killed the others, and came to this mansion in disguise...in disguise as YOU, Lennifer Jawrence!"

"What!" I said. "But that is surely movie star Lennifer Jawrence! I have attempted to masturbate to her movies many times!"

"You've lost it, Dr Dave!" said Jawrence. "I'm me!"

"Then why did you say you were at the paryt to eat hamburgers?" asked Dr Dave. "Actresses don't eat hamburgers!"

"Damn it!" she said. "You've got me!" She pulled her latex face off, revealing herself to be a slightly less attractive but nevertheless still very attractive woman. Samantha Vault.

"By jove!" said Winkins, passing out.

"But what happened to the real Lennifer Jawrence?" asked Barry.

"She was blown up in my place, of course," said Samantha Vault. "Somebody had to die so there would be ten bodies. I suppose you think you have me now, Dr Dave?"

"No," he said. "You are a genius and surely have another trick up your sleave.

"That's right," came a voice, the same voice that we'd heard earlier coming from the well. It ws the blind man! But he could see and was pointing a gun at both of us. "She has me...HER FATHER."

"Hello, Harold," said Dr Dave.

TO BE CONTINUED
 
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"Harold Vault!" I ejaclated. "But how!"

"I faked my death too!" he said. "It's really easy to fake your death! All you have to do is find someone to kill and then tell the police that that person is you! I was sick of living in a world where I had already achieved the impossible: an inescapable vault. Every year that the solid gold toilet WASN'T stolen from this vault added to my satisfaction...and my frustration. Yes I was happy to have foiled all the world's toilet thieves, but what was left for me? What else could I do with my life? Then I heard of a young detective named Dr Dave and decided my new goal in life would be to commit a crime so impossilbe that not even he would be able to solve it! And so my plan begun..."

"Indeed," said Dr Dave, unimpressed. "Of course you'd be able to get the toilet out of the vault, the very vault you invented! I suppose through some cunning secret mechanism you left in the vault..."

"I put a matter transporter in the vault when I created it," said Harold, nodding. "In case I ever felt like stealing the toilet for myself! I merely transported it to my home."

"How does your attractive daughter fit into this?" I asked.

"Oh, I knew my father was alive all along," said Samantha. "He wanted me to be the world's only known great genius in his absence. That was why I had Killer Joe blow up the other nine, and Lennifer Jawrence, so that I would be the only genius remaining!"

"You and Dr Dave, you mean!" I said.

"Ha!" said she. "Now that my father has defeated him, Dr Dave isn't a genius anymore. Only two remain!"

"Of course, your father defeating me knocks you down to the number two genius position," said Dr Dave.

"Pah!" said Samantha. "We are joint number one. I had ten people blown up and got away with it! I'm about to kill everyone in this room! I'm great!"

"I mean, I did invent a matter transporter," said Harold. "That is objectively more impressive than having Killer Joe blow ten people up in exchange for sex."

"The sex was with bees, not me!" said Samantha.

"Sex is sex," said Harold. "It is rather tawdry to use it in a scheme...not something worthy of a genius."

"Indeed," said Dr Dave. "What a disappointment your daughter is. Why, you're the only genius here, Harold."

"So I am!" he said.

"You fool, he's trying to turn us against each other!" said Samantha. "Maybe YOU'RE the one who isn't a genius if you can't see that, father!" She pulled a gun from between her breasts and aimed it at her father.

"Do you have any idea what's happening right now?" Karen asked Barry.

"No" said Barry. "Let's make out before we die!" They made out. I noticed Winkins crawling out of the room, but Harold and Samantha didn't see.

"You foolish child," said Harold. "I saw all this coming. I swapped your gun with that fake gun we have in the house earlier today."

"I ALSO saw this coming," said Samantha. "And swapped YOUR gun with a gun made out of bees!"

"Then why haven't they stung my hand?" asked Harold.

"THEY'RE DEAD," she said.

"Why not try shooting each other to see what happens?" asked Dr Dave.

"Shut up!" they both said.

"We should kill you, now that you have been defeated," said Harold. "Never forget that you are worthless now, Dr Dave."

"It was not a fair crime," said Dr Dave, shrugging. "Matter transporters are impossible so I could not possibly be expected to figure out that you used one. If, indeed, you did."

"What is he talking about, father?" asked Samantha.

"I..." began Harold, but the door flung open.

"Winkins went to get help!" I said.

"Yes..." said Dr Dave. "But look who he got."

Standing in the door were Marty and the girl with the snakes in her hair. And they were both pointing guns at Winkins.

TO BE CONCLUDED
 
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"Why are you pointing guns at me?" asked Winkins. "Harold and Samantha Vaul are the criminals!"

"Whoops, sorry!" said Marty, and he and the girl with snakes in her hair both pointed their guns at the Vaults.

"We're, like, so totally stoned right now!" said the girl. "Also we're really FBI agents."

"Yeah!" said Marty. "Stick 'em up!"

Harold and Samatha put their hands in the air.

"Of course," said Dr Dave. "Undercover FBI agents disguised as stoners who became addicted to getting stoned. Always happens."

"Why do you love stones so much anyway?" I asked, confused. "I hate it when I get one in my shoe!"

"You can't arrest us!" said Samantha. "You didn't hear us confessing to our crimes, and if Dr Dave and Wackson tell you we commited those crimes they could be lying!"

"Tisiphone is hiding in the wall with a tape recorder," said Dr Dave, non-plussed. Tisiphone knocked on the wally to confirm this.

"Damn it!" said Samantha.

"Dr Dave won't let us be arrested until he knows how the toilet was removed from the vault," said Harold.

"The toilet was a reproduction, made by you, posing as a toilet maker," said Dr Dave. "You built it to self destruct after a certain number of years. It did so last night. And you bribed Winkins to cut the cameras with a new ostrich."

"It's true!" cried Winkins. "I love ostriches!"

"But what about the speck of gold paint in the elevator to the vault?" I asked.

"Uhh, that was us," said Barry Grainger.

"Yeah," said Karen. "We were having sex in there wearing gold body paint."

"Eww," said the girl with snakes in her hair.

"Well, that wraps everything up," I said. "But wait, who stole the original toilet all those years ago?"

"Damn it, Wackson, you were supposed to forget that story point" said Dr Dave. Winkins pulled a shotgun out of his trousers and aimed it at Dr Dave.

"I did, okay!" he said. "I was drunk!"

"You were four!" I said.

"People were allowed to drink much younger back then! Now I must kill you all, to cover up my hundred year old crime." Tisiphone Adler came out from a secret passage in the wall.

"Actually the statute of limitations on toilet theft is ninety nine years," she said. "So you're in the clear."

"Oh, okay then," said Winkins, putting the shotgun back into his trousers.

"But why did your family wait so long to order a reproduction of the original toilet, if it was stolen a hundred years ago?" I asked the siblings.

"It wasn't the first reproduction," said Karen.

"We broke all the others by having sex on them!" confirmed Barry.

"God I'm bored," said Harold Vault. "Can you just arrest me and my daughter now? I quite like the idea of running a criminal empire from within a prison."

"And I quite like the idea of brining your empire DOWN from within prison and creating my own, even bigger empire!" said Samantha. Marty and the girl with snakes in her hair started to lead them away.

"How come you have snakes in your hair?" I asked.

"Oh, I'm the mythological figure Medusa," she explained. "I was turned to stone by my own snakes thousands of years ago but the FBI turned me back to flesh and blood and gave me a job."

"But your snakes are supposed to turn anyone who looks at them into stone!" I ejaculted. "I've been looking at them a lot and I'm not stone!"

"These aren't the original snakes," she said, sadly. "They died from snake rot. These are just really big worms!"

"Ah-h-h!" I said. They all went away, leaving just myself, Dr Dave and Tisiphone in the mansion (I assumed the Graingers were having incest somewhere.) Dr Dave put the tv on.

"...actress Lennifer Jawrence was today found ALIVE in her home!" said a newsreader. "At first she was believed to be dead but she jumped up and said some genius woman had tried to kill her so she'd acted dead to fool her!"

"Hurrah!" I siad. "The real Lennifer Jawrence is still alive. Nobody died!"

"Except the ten geniuses," said Tisiphone.

"They were all gits anyway," said Dr Dave. "Well, I have done it, my friends. I have solved an impossible crime. What can possibly be next?"

"I'll see if there's anything happening outside!" I said, opening a window. There was a boy playing with an ostrich below. "You, boy, have any crimes been comitted today?"

"Today? Why, it's Christmas day!" said the boy and it started snowing. I turned to see Dr Dave and Tisiphone kissing under the mistleto.

"Oh yeah I have a wife," said after a long moment.

MERRY CHRISTMAS FROM WACKSON AND DR DAVE

DR DAVE WILL RETURN...NEXT YEAR!
 
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