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Dr Dave And The Train Of Death

CaptainWacky

CaptainWacky

I want to smell dark matter
PROLOGUE

The Ticket Inspector prepared himself. He'd learned the names and backstories of everyone who had a ticket for this very special train journey. He wanted to welcome them all individually, while of course making sure their tickets weren't forgeries. Such deception had been known to happen in the past. He'd once had to ask the burly train security guard to throw a teenage boy into a puddle of mud for having the wrong ticket. It hadn't been pretty, but it was a ticket inspector's duty! The first passenger had arrived...

"Contessa Chocolatebar, a joy to see you! Looking radiant as always! How is your soap empire? Very good! I'll just inspect your ticket...thank you! Have a pleasant journey!"

And the next two.

"Admiral Badminton and the lady Doctor Badminton! A delight to have a married couple on our humble train! Let me just check your tickets...thank you!"

And then a brusk gentleman.

"You must be the mysterious Mister Napier who won a ticket in that cornflake contest...yes, I do have to inspect it, thank you very much! Well, there's no need for that kind of language! Your ticket does check out so I shall wish you good day and nothing more!"

An attractive, busty woman was next, which made him feel better.

"Greetings, Miss Cellular! Good to have you on our train! Thank you for offering me your ticket, very polite! Between you and me I had to ask everyone else!"

Then an older man.

"Professor Rhino, always a pleasure! This isn't the first time you have travelled with us! I hear you have invented some kind of robot goat herder, how fascinating!"

Then a deaf old woman.

"PLEASE SHOW ME YOUR TICKET, MADAM WIKICAT. THANK YOU."

Then two twins!

"Hello, John and Edward Button! Thank you for your tickets and good luck with your musical careers!"

Then the horse trainer, Lady Victoria Horsetrainer.

"Thank you for your ticket! You don't smell of horse AT ALL!"

Then the rude, hideous, balding Larry Captain, the coach of the LA RODENTS basketball team.

"Ticket please...no, I can't just let you on without seeing it! What an afront to my dignity!"

Finally there came two men. The ticket inspector almost gasped. He hadn't expected them to really show up.

"The world's great detective Dr Dave and his...chum Wackson! What an honour! Tickets, please!"

Dr Dave and Wackson handed over their tickets.

"Where is the hatboy to take my hat?" asked Dr Dave, irritated.

"He's actually late..." said the ticket inspector.

"I'm here, I'm here!" said the hatboy, running onto the train. He almost tripped over his feet. What did he smell of? Was it alcohol!? "I'll take your hat, Dr Dave!"

With no warning, Dr Dave knocked the hatboy to the floor of the train with a brutal backhand slap.

"I would sooner see my hat burn than hand it over to a hatboy who is this late for his duty," said Dr Dave, coldly stepping over the hatboy.

"Uhh, me too!" said Wackson, following Dr Dave.

What a journey it was going to be!

TO BE CONTINUED
 
I was taken aback by my dear friend Dr Dave's assault on the hatboy. Yes the hatboy had been a disgrace to the profession of hatboy, but that was no reason for violence. Normally Dr Dave would have simply given him a good telling off. That would have sufficed, surely. I wanted to ask Dr Dave why he'd slapped the lad, but if I'm being honest I'd say I was currently too scared of him.

A busty maid showed us to our cabin. She was quite fetching. A lovely smile and laugh. "Tee hee, this way!" she said, with her trademark smile and laugh. She showed us in.

"Bunk beds!" I said, delighted.

"Have fun, boys, tee hee!" said the maid, closing the door behind her.

"You must sleep in the bottom bunk, Wackson," ordered Dr Dave. "I must sleep in the top so that I can be ready to spring into action when someone attacks us."

"Either way I'm just thrilled to be sleeping in a bunk bed!" I said. "We can stay up all night having bunk bed conversations like two great chums!"

"Sure," said Dr Dave. "Perhaps you should get bunk beds for you and your wife, the Lady Wackson."

"And sleep in the same room as her? How frightful!" I said. My wife and I slept as far apart as it was possible to get in our home. It was how we liked it.

"Perhaps you should relieve yourself on that maid while we are on this trip," said Dr Dave. "She clearly glanced at your crotch for .4 of a second."

"Yes, perhaps...HALF A MINUTE!" I ejaculated. "What do mean, be ready to spring into action when someone attacks us? Do you have reason to believe that will happen?"

"Well, of course," said Dr Dave. "Why else would we have been invited on this trip? Someone intends to make an attempt on my life!"

"Are you sure they don't just want you here for the prestige of having the world's greatest detective on their train?" I asked, reasonably I thought. Dr Dave scoffed.

"I'm a notoriously hard to please passenger," he said. "Why, even now I feel a bubble of rage forming in my stomach as I look at these curtains! No, no one would willingly have me on their train. It must be a plot."

"Perhaps that poor hatboy was involved?" I offered. "Though to me he presented as a simple drunk."

"Oh, he's just a common thief impersonating a hatboy," said Dr Dave. "Did you not notice his gait? No hatboy would walk that way! And he used the smell of alcohol to mask another smell, the smell of counterfeiting ink, the type criminals use to make counterfeit money! I gave him a good hard slap to let him know I knew what he was up to. I expect no further trouble from him."

"Hmmph!" I said. "Well, I hope the busty maid isn't a trained assassin posing as a busty maid. That would ruin my attraction to her bust!"

There was a cry from outside. Dr Dave instantly jumped down from the top bunk bed where he was perched and performed a perfect forward roll to the door. He threw it open. There was an argument going on outside between Admiral Badminton, his wife Doctor Badminton on one side and Larry Captain of the LA RODENTS on the other.

"If you ever, I REPEAT IF YOU EVER lay a hand on my wife again I'll MURDER YOU ON THIS TRAIN!" said Lord Badminton.

"I'm Larry Captain, I do what I do, dawg!" said Larry Captain. They all stormed away.

"I sure hope there isn't a murder mystery to solve on this journey!" I said. Dr Dave put his pipe in his mouth.

"It would pass the time," he said.

TO BE CONTINUED
 
Dr Dave and I had been invited to a formal dinner in the train's formal dining car that evening. It was very fancy. I felt almost out of place, being a simple man from a modest background. Dr Dave at least could discuss the high arts like opera and monster truck racing. Not that he did; he mostly just studied the other guests. I felt awkward though and tried making conversation.

"So, Contessa Chocolatebar, how's the soap business?" I asked the radiant woman.

"Booming!" she said, happy to talk about her success. "We just came out with a new soap that smells like freedom! It's selling well in America!"

"Fascinating!" I lied.

"And how's...whatever it is you do?" she asked.

"Stressful," I said, honestly.

"What do you think of that lady over there?" asked the Contessa, turning her nose up a little as she looked at Miss Cellular. I did not know anything of the woman but she was quite fetching with her bustiness. More fetching, even, than the Contessa, which was probably why she had turned her nose up. I decided to be diplomatic.

"You're still fetching even when she's in the room!" I said. The Contessa did not seem to think that was enough of a compliment and walked away. I thought of talking to Miss Cellular, but she was now talking to Professor Rhino. Not just talking, but flirting with him! I feared the old man would have a heart attack, so considerable her bust was. I noticed Dr Dave watching her too. I sidled over to him. "What do you make of her?" I asked.

"Isn't it obvious?" he replied, staring at her chest. Apparently even he wasn't immune!

"Oh my God, this party is, like, so like boring!" said John Button, jumping in front of us.

"John, don't be rude, dude," said Edward Button. "But yeah like it would be like SO MUCH BETTER with some of our music playing!"

"Begone, children," said Dr Dave. "I have a murder to solve." The two of them looked confused then wandered off.

"There hasn't even been a murder yet!" I said.

"Yes, but if I solve it before it happens then that will save a lot of time," he replied.

"Or you could simply prevent the murder from happening and save a life!" I said.

"I suppose," he shrugged.

"Who do you think is going to be murdered?" I asked.

"I have my suspects," he said, looking over at Larry Captain. The Badmintons were scowling at him. Captain appeared to be drunk already.

"I've captained TWENTY TEAMS to TWENTY CHAMPIONSHIPS!" he said, slurring. "I deserve RESPECT!"

"That means you've been fired twenty times," pointed out Dr Dave from across the room.

"Nineteen times, smarty-pants!" said Captain. "I'm still with the twentieth team until the sexual discrimination suit is settled anyway!"

"And you have been accused of giving your players LASHINGS OF STEROIDS at every team," pointed out Dr Dave.

"That was never proven!" said Captain.

"Yes, strange that there was never any evidence," said Dr Dave. "Very strange..."

I noticed Lady Victoria Horse and the mysterious Mister Napier living the dining car together.

"What are they up to!" I said. "Could she be selling him HORSE DRUGS?"

"WHAT WAS THAT?" asked the old lady I had just noticed standing next to me. It was Madam Wikicat, a deaf and aging socialite. I didn't know much about her, but apparently she'd been quite the social climber in her day. "DID YOU SEE THEY WERE EATING HORSE MUGS?"

"No, that would make no sense," I said.

"Eww, this alcohol we can't legally drink tastes weird," said John Button. "Oh my God, has it been POISONED?"

"Poison, a woman's weapon!" said Edward Button. Dr Dave ran over and sampled the drink on his tongue.

"A non-deadly posion," he said. "How strange."

"I was about to drink that!" said Larry Captain. "Someone IS trying to kill me! Some WOMAN! HER, PROBABLY!" He pointed at Miss Cellular.

"Me?" she asked, shrinking into Professor Rhino's arms.

"She turned down my advances earlier!" said Larry. "ARREST HER! OR I'LL DO IT!" He ran over, his hands going right for her breasts...

Dr Dave knocked him to the floor with a punch.

TO BE CONTINUED
 
"I say!" said Lady Doctor Badminton.

"The blighter got what he deserved!" said Admiral Badminton.

"You hit me!" said Larry Captain, from the floor where he was lying after Dr Dave had hit him. "I'll see you hung for this!"

"I was defending a lady's honour," said Dr Dave, uncharacteristically emotional. "Something you would know nothing about!"

"Ladies ain't nothing!" said Larry Captain. "GREEN is all that matters! And by that, I mean MONEY! I'm going to sue you for everything you've got, detective!"

"Larry, stop," said Professor Rhino. Dr Dave gave a curious look at this.

"Shut up, old man! That SKIRT you're with is partly responsible!"

"I don't know what's going on!" said Miss Cellular, throwing her arms up in the air.

"You tried to poison me and then this fool punched me!" said Larry Captain. "HE'S THE POISONER!"

"Okay, enough!" said the ticketmaster, who had been standing in the corner the whole time. Apparently he was also a security guard of some kind. "I don't know what's going on here but I can't have disorder on this train! Could everyone please return to their cabins.

"I'll come with you," Miss Cellular said the Professor Rhino immediately. He looked quite happy with that.

"Eww, this is bull!" said John Button.

"It's the shit of bull!" said Edward Button.

"Yes, that's what I was implying!" said John.

Dr Dave and I went off together.

"How amazing!" I said when we got back to our cabin and onto our trusty bunk beds. "Someone really is trying to kill Larry Captain!"

"Or are they..." said Dr Dave. "As I said before, it was non deadly poison. That presents TWO possibilities, Wackson. TWO! Either the poisoner is inexerperienced and unskilled and BUMBLED his attempt to poison the vile Larry Captain OR someone wants to make it look like they're trying to kill Larry Captain."

"He is an awful man," I said. "I can see why many people would want to kill him. Didn't he once steel a sandwich from a homeless man?"

"Yes but I doubt that homeless man is on the train," said Dr Dave.

"Maybe he's...LVING HERE!" I said, thinking I was onto something. Dr Dave did not even dignify it with a response. It was what I deserved after embarrassing myself. Another issue was pressing on my mind though. I had a question for my friend. "Why did you punch Larry Captain? He was very drunk and not moving very fast, I'm sure you could have helped Miss Cellular avoid his busy hands in a less violent way."

"Wackson, did you not notice anything about Miss Cellular?" he asked me. I thought for a minute.

"She had very big breasts?" I offered.

"It will come to you in time," he said, sighing. Then we heard a noise. Like a horse.

"A horse!" I said, as Dr Dave and I sprung into action. We saw Mister Napier run by.

"You!" I said. "What are you doing to a horse!"

"How did you know about that?" he said. "Shit!" And he was gone in a flash.

"Did someone just make a noise like a horse?" asked the busty maid. "Was it you, Mister Wackson? Are you an...animal in bed?"

"No!" I said. "I'm well behaved!"

"I could change that..." she said, winking.

"What an odd lady!" I said.

"Sometimes I despair, Wackson," said Dr Dave.

And then a pony appeared in the doorway.

TO BE CONTINUED
 
"Good grief, is that a pony!?" I said.

"Yes," said Dr Dave. "It is a pony. The question is, what is a pony doing on this train?

"Come back into the room," said a woman, stepping out of the door next to the pony. It was Lady Victoria Horsetrainer.

"The horse trainer lady, Lady Horsetrainer, has the pony!" I said.

"Yes," said Dr Dave. "Things are becoming clearer to me now."

"What are you looking at?" asked Lady Horsetrainer, nervous about something. "There's nothing illegal about having a pony on a train, okay!"

"Nobody said anything of legality," observed Dr Dave. "Nobody but YOU!"

"HMMPH!" she said, sounding not unlike a horse herself.

"What business did Mister Napier have with you?" asked Dr Dave.

"That's none of your business!" she said. "He's just...helping me with my pony, okay!"

"How could a PROFESSIONAL THIEF help you with your pony?" asked Dr Dave.

"What!" she said. "No...he's not...he's no thief...uhh..."

"How did you know he's a thief!" I said, excited.

"Elementary, Wackson," said Dr Dave. "I saw him stealing some fruit at the party earlier. He had no reason to do so. He was simply practicing his craft, as all good thiefs do. Plus he walks like a thief. I'm sure you've noticed the thief walk over the years, Wackson."

"Umm..." I said.

"So, quickly, Lady Horsetrainer, tell me what he's stealing. Is it something from one of the other passengers? Is someone in danger?"

"He won't be hurt, we just need what he has...I've said too much!" said Lady Horsetrainer. She started crying. "I just want my pony to grow big and strong!" She grabbed her pony and pulled it into her room then slammed the door shut.

"I see it all now," said Dr Dave. "Napier is going to steal something from Professor Rhino."

"Why him?" I asked.

"He's a professor!" said Dr Dave, annoyed at my stupidity. "He specifies in animals. He's obviously developed a serum that can make ponies grow into normal horses SUPER FAST. Lady Horsetrainer wants it! TO HIS ROOM!"

We sped along until we reached Professor Rhino's room. We heard slightly raised voices behind the door.

"It's my life and I'll live it how I please!" the professer was saying.

"Just think of all the good...someone is listening," said Miss Cellular. How did she know? She excited the room.

"Hello, Miss Ceullular," said Dr Dave. Something strange was in his voice.

"I suspect you'll want to talk to him," said Cellular. "Go easy on him. I'll be out here." We went into the room.

"What do you want?" asked Rhino, looking sad. "I've been hassled enough."

"I was just wondering if anyone has solved Mentalist's Last Theorem yet," said Dr Dave.

"Well, the answer is obviously 17, but no, no one officially has," said Rhino.

Dr Dave instantly excited the room with me following.

"The man's a genius," he said. "Perhaps the greatest the world has ever known apart from me!"

TO BE CONTINUED
 
"I've never heard of Mentalist's Last Theorem," I said.

"Not surprising, Wackson, you are thoroughly uncultured," said Dr Dave, stating it as a fact. "It is a mathematical equation, far too complex for me to explain to you here or ever, especially not with Miss Cellular over there rolling her eyes at my perceived arrogance."

"Did he give the answer as seventeen?" she said. Dr Dave's jaw dropped.

"I...yes, he did," said Dr Dave. "He gave the correct answer. Only the four most intelligent people alive would know that."

"Indeed," she said, and went back into the room with Rhino.

"I don't know what's even going on anymore," I said, sadly.

"The point is that I have verified that Rhino is a genius, more than capable of making a pony grow into a horse in an instant. He may be capable of a lot more than just that!" said Dr Dave, excited. We were still standing in the corridor outside the room and at this point, Larry Captain walked by, talking rudely on his over-sized cell phone.

"Can't wait to get off this stupid train. One peron's already tried to kill me and another's punched me in the face. So yeah, just a pretty normal journey so far! That weiner Dr Dave is standing there gawping at me now with his gay friend Wackson. Yeah, it was him who punched me. He doesn't know who he's messing with! I'm America's most beloved captain! USA, USA, USA!" He was actualy chanting "USA" into his cell phone. He had slowed down as he walked by us to taunt Dr Dave, but he had finally reached the door at the end of the corridor.

"What a rude goose!" I said. He smirked at me and started to turn the door handle. Dr Dave suddenly looked up, alert, as if he'd noticed something.

"DON'T COMPLETE THAT TURN," shouted Dr Dave at Larry Captain. But it was too late. Larry Captain had completed the turn. He jumped back from the door, sensing some danger. Dr Dave dived into him, tackling him to the floor. A crossbow bolt came flying out of the door just as they hit the ground. It shot past me and into the wall behind me.

"Good grief!" I said, running over to help Dr Dave up. Captain shoved Dave off of him and stood himself.

"I'll sue you for tackling me too!" he said. "Jerk!"

"Dr Dave just saved your life, you big fool!" I said, pointing at the crossbow bolt. Captain took it in.

"Well...it's the least he could do after punching me that time!" said Captain. He stormed away.

"Someone really is trying to kill him!" I said.

"So it would appear," said Dr Dave. He was checking on the crossbow now, which had been set up behind the door. "But it doesn't add up, Wackson! Why use none deadly poison on the first attempt but use a real crossbow this time? If I hadn't been here he would have surely died."

"Maybe they just weren't good at poisoning," I offered.

"I must solve this mystery, before someone dies," said Dr Dave.

Little did we know that someone would be dying a lot sooner than either of us expected.

TO BE CONTINUED
 
"Maybe it's Contessa Chocolatebar who's behind it all!" I said.

"Why her?" asked Dr Dave.

"Well...maybe Larry Captain insulted her soap," I said.

"Interesting that you bring up her soap," said Dr Dave. "I hear she's always trying to come up with new flavours of soap, for soap enthusiasts. Professor Rhino would be useful for something like that..."

"But that doesn't help us prevent Larry Captain's murder!" I said, almost angry at my friend. He just looked at me for a moment. I had spoken out of turn, I knew it.

"You are right, Wackson...so why do I keep thinking of it?" asked Dr Dave. We heard someone walking by outside. We nodded to each other and went to the door. It was one of the Button twins, John or Edward. But where we they headed? Dr Dave and I followed silently. The boy stood near Professor Rhino's room, then stopped for a moment.

"What could he want!" I said. Too loud. The lad heard me. Dr Dave rolled his eyes at me.

"I like girls, okay!" he said. "I'm not Edward! I mean, I am Edward! Okay! But...John likes girls too. Just shut up!" Then he barged off. Dr Dave and I followed him. He ended up at Madam Wikicat's room. She opened the door and let him in.

"That was strange," I said. Then we heard a cry. It was Miss Cellular, standing in the doorway of Professor Rhino's room.

"He's dead!" she said. "I only went out for a minute."

"Larry Captain is dead in Professor Rhino's room!?" I said.

"No," said Dr Dave, looking in the room. "It is Professor Rhino who is dead. Dead and gone." I looked in too. The professor was lying on the ground with a strange look on his face. I checked him.

"Seems like a heart attack!" I said. I was a doctor, remember!

"Yes," said Dr Dave. "Seems like."

"His heart was fine," snapped Miss Cellular. "This was MURDER!"

"But Larry Captain is the one who's going to be murdered!" I said, my whole belief system shattered.

"We were wrong," said Dr Dave. "We were so wrong. And you, so called Miss Cellular, it's time for you to tell us everything you know."

"I knew this moment would come," she said.

"I don't understand," I said.

"Don't you know who she is yet, Wackson?" said Dr Dave. "Haven't you figured it out from her name alone?"

"Miss Cellular...she's...she's the inventor of the cellular phone!" I said, excited.

"No," sighed Dr Dave. "Think harder. Along those lines."

"Cellular phone...oh," I said. "OH!"

"That's right," she said, taking her wig off. "It's me. MISS TISIPHONE ADLER."

"And you are UNDER ARREST for MURDER!" said Dr Dave.

I nearly fainted.

TO BE CONTINUED
 
A crowd had gathered around now. They had heard the commotion and come, then found out that Professor Rhino was dead. And now they'd heard Dr Dave name Miss Tisiphone Adler as the murderer. The ticket inspector walked over to Dr Dave.

"What's going on here!" he said. "A dead body? A dead professor's body?"

"I am the world's greatest consulting detective, I'll get to the bottom of this," said Dr Dave.

"Forget this Rhino guy, and the broad, you have to get to the bottomof who is trying to kill me, ya bum!" said Larry Captain.

"I'll solve it all in this room, okay, I just need privacy!" said Dr Dave. "Wackson, join me, and keep this monster Miss Adler under close guard! Ticket inspector, busty maid, do not let anyone else in!"

"Okay, sir!" said the ticket inspector.

"Oui!" said the busty maid who was apparently French now.

We went into the room and closed th door. Professor Rhino's body was still lying there. Tisiphone looked sad.

"Can't we cover it with a blanket or something?" I asked.

"NO!" said Dr Dave. "The crime scene must remain untouched while I solve this case!"

"But you alrady said Tisiphone did it!"

"Oh, Wackson," she sighed. "He was lying. I'd never hurt Professor Rhino."

"That's right," said Dr Dave, nodding. "There were too many looky-lookers out there. I had to make the real killer think that I thought Tisiphone did it, so that they would drop their guard. Now, Tisiphone, tell me, who had reason to want Rhino dead?"

"I have no idea!" she said.

"But you were with him all the time! You must have been trying to prevent his murder!" I said.

"That's not why I was with him, I had no idea anyone wanted to end that sweet man's life," she said, sadly.

"You were sleeping together," said Dr Dave, as if stating a fact.

"What right do you have to know that?" snapped Tisi. "It's not like there's anything between you and I, Dr Dave."

"No," he said. "And there never will be." There was a long silence after that.

"So, umm, do you have any idea who could have done this?" I asked Tisi, gently. "We know Victoria Horsetrainer wanted Mister Napier to steal a horse growing formula from Rhino."

"Rhino was a genius, he created many formulas," said Tisi. "I was trying to get him to help the world with his brain, but he was such a shy man. He didn't even liked coming out of our train bedroom."

Dr Dave looked over at the bed where an open condom packet was lying.

"I BET HE DIDN'T!" he said.

TO BE CONTINUED
 
"What do you mean by that?!" asked Tisi. "Are you suggesting he used that condom with me?"

"I don't get it!" I said. "What could the two of you been using that...oh. NOW I see! And you're not even married! Well, it's not my place to judge."

"No it's not," snapped Tisi. "But for the record, Rhino and I never slept together."

"No?" said Dr Dave, sounding annoyed. "So this condom packet is just for DECORATION?"

"That wouldn't be much of a decoration, you have to admit!" I quiped. Tisi did not seem amused. The tension between them was the highest it had ever been. I wanted to get out of the room it was so much.

"Professor Rhino was gay," she said at last. "So no, not that it's any of your business, there was no chance we would have slept together."

"Are you sure he was gay?" I asked. "Some people just get confused sometimes! Why, there's boys now that looked almost like girls and girls that look almost like boys...you can't be surprised if someone gets them mixed up! It's not so unusual!"

"He was definitely gay," said Tisi. "We'd talk about boys sometimes. Any more questions, detective?" She spat that last word out.

"No," said Dr Dave. "This information could prove useful. Th...thanks you, Miss Adler." He looked away as he said it, as if he couldn't even look her in the eye. She seemed fine with that. What had gone on between them? Human relationships were so complex!

"Well, shall we go investigate?" I asked.

"Yes," said Dr Dave. "I think I already know who the killer is, of course, but I'm sure the two of you will figure it out soon enough. Let us go talk to Napier and Horsetrainer."

"You want me to just leave Rhino here, alone?" said Tisi, sadly.

"He's dead," said Dr Dave, coldly. "He's already alone."

"GO," snapped Tisi. "You two of you go. I wish you'd never stepped foot aboard this train." We left the room.

"I wish the same," said Dr Dave, a moment later. He sounded worn out.

"Beause of seeing...her again?" I asked.

"The woman!" said Dr Dave. "She...never fall in love, Wackson."

"I'm married!" I said.

"Never fall in love, Wackson," he repeated. I just nodded. "But no, not just because of her. Professor Rhino has been murdered on my watch."

"And now we get to solve it!" I said, trying to sound excited.

"I should be able to stop cimes before they happen," said Dr Dave. "Like that movie, Minority Report. But more realistic. Yet I failed. I was trying to prevent Larry Captain from being murdered but..."

"HELP!" came a cry. It was Larry Captain. "A crazed pony is trying to kill me!"

TO BE CONTINUED
 
"See!" I said, excited. "Larry Captain really IS in danger of being murdered! You were right! Maybe Rhino died of natural casues! He was old! Let's save Larry Captain...and your soul!"

"That was overly dramatic, Wackson," said Dr Dave. "Let us save the man and then we'll talk." We charged down the carriage. Contessa Chocolatebar came running by us.

"That beast is crazed, it's going to kick us all to death!" she cried. We entered the dining cart. John and Edward Button were trying to protect Madam Wikicat from the pony by waving small sausages at it.

"Away from us, okay!" said John

"Yeah we'll hit you with these small sausages!" said Edward. Larry Captain was trying to escape through the other door but it was locked.

"I've survived worse than this!" he yelled at the horse in defiance. "One of my ex-wives stabbed me in the face with a trident! I lost 70% of my brain! BUT I TURNED OUT OKAY PENGUINS."

I noticed Dr Dave was staring out of the window rather than looking at the pony.

"It all makes sense now..." he said. "I get it."

"Dr Dave, shouldn't we be concentrating on the crazy pony?" I asked. The pony looked up at us, as if it knew I was talking about it. Its eyes were glowing red. "It's like that comic book character The Incredible Hulk! But a pony!"

"You are quite right," said Dr Dave. "Not about the Incredible Hulk, that was stupid. But yes, I should be concentrating on defeating this pony AS SOON AS POSSIBLE."

"Be careful!" shouted Madam Wikicat. "Your safety is more important that killing this beast quickly!"

"I have no intention of killing it, you old bag," said Dr Dave. "HERE, HORSEY." The pony charged right at myself and Dr Dave. I dived out of the way in fear, but my friend just stood there until, at the last moment, he turned his back on the pony then back-flipped, landing on the pony's back! Dr Dave held it by the neck.

"Oh my God he's so cool," said John Button.

"Shut up, John," said Edward, looking worried for some reason.

"Dr Dave, can you tame the beast!?" I asked.

"Well, no," said Dr Dave, managing to stay on the pony despite its attempts to shake him off. "I'm not a pony whisperer. I can, however, do this." He gave the pony a firm karate chop to the back of the neck. It instantly fell asleep. Dr Dave dived off as it collapsed.

"My pony!" said Victoria Horsetrainer, rushing into the carriage with the ticket inspector. "You killed it!"

"Of course I didn't," snapped Dr Dave. "I merely rendered it asleep. Someone has injected your pony with HORSE STEROID but this is all merely a distraction. You, ticket inspector, quickly, tell me how long it is before the train passes into the next country."

"Why, in ten minutes the train will be in Finland," said the ticket inspector.

"Finland," said Dr Dave. "A lawless country. A country where murder is not a crime. That is the reason behind this pony attack. Someone wants to get off the train in Finland. Professor Rhino's killer will get away with murder unless I prove they commited the crime in the next ten minutes."

And then Dr Dave kicked John Button in the throat.

TO BE CONTINUED
 
"Oh my God, okay!" said Edward Button. "You can't kick my brother in the throat like that, okay!"

"You're right," said Dr Dave. "I still don't know which if you actually commited the crime and it may take more than ten minutes to prove it."

"Are you saying it was one of the twins!?" I asked, shocked. They were annoying brats, yes, but they did not seem like the murdering type.

"Oh come now, Wackson, surely you've figured it out by now," he said. "You know someone told them to do it, don't you? You know who, surely?"

"Uhh," I thought for a moment. I panicked. "Was it...a ghost?" They seemed like the type of pop stars who would take orders from a ghost. Dr Dave did not look impressed by my answer, but turned to the ticket inspector.

"You need to stop this train so that the murderer cannot escape into the Finnish wilderland!" he said.

"It can't be stopped!" said the ticket inspector.

"Do you have no authority over the driver? Just give him a good thrashing if he refuses to stop!" said Dr Dave.

"Didn't you know?" asked the ticket inspector. Dr Dave hated it when people said that and I could observer his anger, but he stopped himself from exploding. There wasn't much time remaining. "The train can't be stopped because the driver is a robot! The first ever robot train driver and he's programmed to never stop no matter what!"

"I've never met a robot I can't stop," said Dr Dave, starting to head towards the front of the train.

"How many have you met?" asked the inspector.

"AT LEAST FOUR," said Dr Dave. He barged into the control room. Sure enough there was a shiny robot driving the train. Its soulless eyes were locked on the track ahead.

"It's magnificent!" I said, in awe of this mechanical man. But Dr Dave did not seem as impressed.

"Tell me how long before we reach Finland," he asked the robot.

"SIX MINUTES, TWELVE SECONDS," said the robot.

"Stop this train THIS INSTANT!" ordered Dr Dave in his most authoritive voice.

"WILL NOT COMPLY," said robot. Dr Dave thought for a moment.

"I assume you are compliant with Asimov's three law or robotics?" he asked.

"YES," said robot.

"So if I told you a human being will DIE if you do not stop this train, when would you stop it?"

"YES," said robot. "BUT YOU WOULD BE LYING. I AM CONSTANTLY MONITORING THE LIFE SIGNALS OF EVERYONE ON THIS TRAIN AND NO HUMAN BEING IS CURRENTLY AT RISK OF DYING."

"But Professor Rhino already died and you didn't stop that!" I said. Dr Dave nodded approvingly in my direction.

"I COULD NOT STOP THAT," said the robot. "RECORDS SHOW THAT PROFESSOR RHINO WAS HIGHLY AROUSED RIGHT BEFORE DEATH. COULD NOT BE FORESEEN."

"How about if I KILL WACKSON if you don't stop this train?" asked Dr Dave, aiming his deadly umbrella at me. I gulped in fear.

"LIES," said the robot. "YOU WOULD NEVER KILL WACKSON. YOU LOVE HIM."

"Define love," said Dr Dave, smoothly.

"LOVE IS...LOVE IS...LOVE...CANNOT COMPUTE...ERROR, ERROR! ERROR! DAISY, DAISY..." And then the robot exploded. The train schreeched to a halt.

"Good show!" I said.

"The trick with robots is always to ask them to define love," said Dr Dave. "Now I can prove who the murderer is, who gave the order to the Button brother, at my leisure..."

"Or I could just kill you, dearie," said a voice. Standing in the doorway aiming a gun at Dr Dave was Madam Wikicat.

TO BE CONTINUED
 
If I had been drinking something I would have spat it out in shock, but I wasn't. Madam Wikicat, the killer!? "Madam Wikicat, the killer!?" I asked.

"No, Wackson," said Dr Dave, patiently. "I already explained that one of the Button brothers did it."

"The poor fool," she said. "You can't blame him. I can be...very persuasive. But I was the mastermind behind the whole thing. And now I'm going to shoot you to death this gun which fires bullets!" She did not sound as weak and feeble as she had before.

"Grant me one last request," said Dr Dave. "Explain everything to my poor friend Wackson. I, of course, have figured out all the details but he has not."

"Oh really?" she said. "You expect me to fall for that? You haven't even figured it out at all! You don't even know the reason I killed Professor Rhino!"

"He developed a new anti-aging soap that was made from horses," said Dr Dave.

"...oh," said Madam Wikicat, disappointed. "Yes, that's true, he did. It would have made anyone look young, even me. But he selfishly kept the formula to himself, even though it would have made the world a bettere place, just becaue he wanted to avoid a horse genocide!"

"Why?" asked the ticket inspector, who was also present. "They're only horses."

"Well, the formula could also convert PEOPLE with horse faces into the soap," admitted Madam Wikicat. "But that's a small price to pay! I would have killed them all just to look younger!"

"So you sent one of the Buttons to fetch the formula," said Dr Dave. "But I'm guessing he didn't find the formula there and ran into some trouble with the Professor...and had to kill him."

"The fool deserved to die," said Madam Wikicat. "And YES I don't have the formula, but I'll find it! It must be on this train somewhere."

"Why would the Button brothers help you?" I asked. "They're young pop stars with the world at their feet!"

"But both have a particular fetish," said Dr Dave. "One for OLDER PEOPLE."

"What!" I said, shuddering. "That's gross! So they were both sleeping with Madam Wikicat?"

"Not both," said Dr Dave. "Only one was. The other was sleeping with Professor Rhino! His mysterious lover. That's why there was an open condom packet on his bed. The Button tricked him into thinking he was there for sex and then killed the Professor!"

"I loved him, okay!" said John Wikicat, barging forward. "I never would have killed the Professor!"

"No," said Dr Dave. "But your brother, Madam Wikicat's lover, DID kill the Professor, posing as you!"

"Is that true!?" asked John.

"Uhh, yeah," said Edward. "I thought you knew."

"YOU BITCH!" said John, dragging Edward by the hair. They started fighting. Madam Wikicat just shrugged.

"I don't need them anymore. I'll probably shoot them after I'm through shooting you. I have a lot of bullets! And then, after I find the formula, I'll simply walk to Finland, free of any police investigation. Hehehe!"

"That's all I needed," said Dr Dave. He pulled his shirt up, revealing his shapely body...and a tape recorder taped to his chest. "I was taping you, you cow!"

"But I'm just going to shoot you anyway! I'll shoot you right through the tape!" she said, confused.

"You won't be shooting anyway," said Dr Dave. And then suddenly the train window next to Madam Wikicat flew open and a woman came swinging in, kicking Madam Wikicat with both feet. She dropped the gun and looked up.

"You!" she said.

"ME," said Tisiphone. "Professor Rhino was my friend and I'm going to kick every square inch of your bony ass!"

"Good show!" I cried.

TO BE CONTINUED
 
On one hand you have a crazed pony, which is a plus. On the downside you are saying negative things about Finland, which is full of a fine people.
 
The universe of the Dr Dave detective adventures differs from our own universe in several key ways (such as the availability of good robots.)
 
"You think you can take me?" sneered Wikicat. "I'm not the doddery old lady I make myself out to be! I've been searching for a cure for death for a long time, and even though I don't have the horse soap yet, I have taken many other potions that have given my almost super human strength and..."

"Oh will you shut up and fight?" said Tisi. She kicked with her high heeled shoe at Wikicat's face, but Wikicat ducked it with surprising speed. She pulled out knitting needles. Deadly knitting needles.

"I'll knit your DEATH SHROUD after I kill you!" she said.

"That doesn't make sense!" said Tisi. Wiki cat lunged at Tisi with her needles, but Tisi pulled out some chopsticks and blocked them.

"Lucky she was carrying chopsticks!" I said, relieved. I turned to Dr Dave. "Should we help her?"

"Of course not," he replied, calmly. "Tisiphone is a more than capable fighter. Besides, this is deeply personal to her."

Tisi's chopsticks and Wikicat's knitting needles clashed again. They both tried to press and advantaged, but they were eventy matched. Wikicat resorting to kicking Tisi towards the window. She then charged after her. Tisi slipped out the window and Wikicat went flying out.

"No, Tisi!" I said.

"She'll be fine," said Dr Dave, uncocerned. "Have some faith in her, Wackson. Listen." We could now hear the ound of their fight continuing on top of the train. It must have been very exciting, but sadly I couldn't see it so I can't describe the thrilling action that took place. And then I was surprised by a punch to the face from Edward Button. He and John had apparently stopped fighting, as John was watching confused.

"Quick, John, take out Dr Dave!" said Edward.

"Why should I help you, murderer?" asked John.

"Look, I know we've had our differences..." said Edward.

"You murdered my lover!" said John.

"Sure, sure," said Edward. "But if I get arrested for that crime you'll go down too! We're twins, they won't be able to tell us apart!"

"That's true..." said John.

"No it isn't!" I said, but Edward threw another punch at me. I just about avoided it as Dr Dave effortlessly shrugged off John's blows. Edward jumped at me and tried to bite my neck. "You're a vampire too!"? I said, thinking it another shocking plot twist.

"No, I'm just not very good at fighting!" said Edward.

"Oh," I said and gave him a Rock Bottom. I saw that Dr Dave had finished off John too. Then there was a banging noise. A hatch in the ceiling of the train flew open and Wikicat came crashing down to the floor. Tisi landed on top of her, holding her chopsticks to Wikicat's throat.

"Okay, I give up," she said.

"Why should I let you live?" asked Tisi.

"You can't kill me!" said Wikicat. "That's bad! You're a good person...aren't you?"

"AM I?" asked Tisi.

"You're the finest person I know," said Dr Dave, calmly. Tisi stopped. There were tears on her eyes. She put the chopsticks away and walked off. Dr Dave, the ticket inspector and I tied up Wikicat and the Buttons.

"The finest person you know..." I said. "You mean, apart from me, right?" I tried to make it sound like a joke. Dr Dave just gave me a look of pity.

"...we have one more task, Wackson" said Dr Dave. "It's time to arrest the horse soap thief!"

TO BE CONTINUED
 
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