WRONG. I don't know who she is, and I don't care [yet]. Describe a scene, maybe where she is sleeping, first.
Her body was stiff and cold and she was lying flat on her back on a damp gravelly surface.
Alright, maybe her waking should be included in the same paragraph.
Too mechanical. Try:
Her body was stiff and cold as she laid on the damp, gravelly surface.
As her eyes slowly adjusted to the gloom about her she could make out a silhouette of a man smoking what looked like a cigar, stooping over her.
I like the eyes/gloom/adjusting, except that it implies him being further away. Also, she would smell the cigar before her eyes had adjusted.
"What, where.. Who are you," the words left her sheepishly. She pulled herself up onto her knees with some difficulty, the figure walked forward and offered her a hand.
Good adverb, describes her being well, except the man seemed to be much closer to her when you wrote he "stooped."
Lilah shimmed away. "Who are you, what have you done to me, get back!"
He didn't seem to do anything yet. Does she have a headache, was she drugged?
She was sheepish at first.
The man took the cigar out of his mouth and spoke. "'What' is a good but difficult question, 'where' can be answered in good time, and 'who': is me, Keevan. I am the Administrator of this place. It is unfortunate indeed you are so young, but here, let me help you up, I mean you no harm." The man offered his hand again and Lilah took it reluctantly and pulled herself to her feet. She looked around the room she was in but it was dank and dark and the candles on the walls glimmered too low to make any sense of space out of her surroundings.
Looking good so far, except that people would rarely announce them helping someone up.
"Can you please tell me where the hell I am, and how did I get here? I was..where was I before, I can't rightly remember, something is not right here, and I don't mean the obvious," she stopped.
The mystery is good, but it looks like you are trying to convey the atmosphere too strongly with the dialogue of the characters.
"Do not concern yourself with the big questions now. Suffice to say, you are safe for the moment, your circumstances have changed and it is best to take things slowly. For now I suggest you come with me, there are places more habitable than here, now come." Keevan reaffirmed his grip on her hand and took her to the wall. There he stood searching the wall muttering to himself.
"Ah, here it is," he waved his hand over a dark panel and a metal door slid into view where once was the dark, rough stone wall. Lilah gaped and blinked. she was fatigued and delirious and felt it better to go with this strange man than stay in the dark cellar-like area they were now leaving.
More realistic if you make her hesitate, at least bit. Maybe she sees a rat? (IF you want the place to have any sort of life, moss might be nice)
The doors opened with a ping at the end. It was an elevator.
The elevator was furnished as one would expect most to look in a swanky hotel. It was carpeted and there were polished mirrors on each side of the walls and a panel of buttons set in bronze was placed by the door. A stark contrast to the space they had just left.
I suggest you read some Lovecraft, or at least skim through some of his later short stories. You seem to have the same desire to convey the atmosphere and the impressions it creates, like a film with background music. You just need to link them in a more eloquent way.
"In stark contrast to the space they had just left, the elevator was furnished as one would expect most to look in a swanky [swanky seems too vernacularized compared to your description of the darkness before] hotel. It was carpeted, with polished mirrors on each side of the walls, and a panel of buttons set in bronze was placed by the door."
^The juxtoposition of reminding us of the "stark contrast to the space they had just left" AFTER the elevator's description is like a bungee cord; I was just ready to leave the dampness, and enter a hotel.
Lilah squinted at the brightly lit light of the elavator and stepped inside with Keevan. The man pressed the second to top button and the elevator started with a jolt upwards. Soft mono music played out as they rose. "Where is this taking us?" asked Lilah, still in a state of disbelief and quiet fear. "We're going to the lobby, all will become clear soon enough," Keevan replied.
It's fine, except that I'm not that familiar with Keevan. Despite him mentioning his name, all along I thought "mysterious kidnapper." Narration in the third person is effective once we have gotten to know the characters, so to speak.
Lilah sunk to the floor of the elevator and put her knees to her chin, they had been rising upwards for what felt like an age. Keevan stood upright and motionless, still puffing on his cigar, his aged faced and long black overcoat gave him a sinister look but one of indifference and pre-occupation. "We are almost there, Lilah."
His gestures earlier made him seem more neutral than cold. Try to make him stone cold yet polite earlier in the story, or wait until later to present us with it. "Sinister" is too big a gear change, in my not so humble opinion.
Lilah looked up startled and rised to her feet. "I don't recall telling you my name. You had better tell me what the hell is going on right now, I will not go another step with you anywhere. You had better start explaining why you have kidnapped me or what ever the hell this is and why I am here and.."
It reads like an RPG here. We already know she's here against her will.
Keevan cut her off. "Behind you lies the start, there is no way back, before you leads to uncertainty and difficulty, and harder choices than most will ever make. I have not kidnapped you and I am not responsible for your situation. I am the Administrator, and it falls to me to guide you.
Omega Weapon likes.
I understand your impatience and confusion, but really, there is not far to go and an elevator is hardly a better place to explain the 'here and there's,' than the entry point it leads away from. Now come."
Excellent dialogue.
Can you say . . . . "Keevan dual?"
As Keevan's sentence stopped the Elevator shuddered and stopped as well. Another ping rang out marking the end of the elevators journey and the doors slid open onto a vast pillared hall, marble laid and buzzing with the activity of many desks laid in an inward circle with people on telephones typing away and busy people running reports to busier looking people.
Lovecraft!
Lovecraft!!
Lovecraft!!!
The last part of the sentence is too creative to be hanging on the edge of the paragraph like that, or even be included in it. The vast, marble laid hall and the busy people should be segregated into two parts. One is static, the other dynamic.
"As you can see, Lilah." Keeven said. "This is the hub of our operation here, I am the Administrator and things have been some-what hectic since the last one moved on"
I knew he was the admin, but I forgot, until he said it again, for the third time I believe.
Less is more. Make him issue a tactful "dire warning," so that the idea of some sort of organisation being active underneath him is burned into our memories, sans the nuclear bomb pictures. He shouldn't have to say he's the admin over and over.
"Will you stop talking in riddles and just explain to me what the hell this is all about." Lilah said sharply.
Lilah needs to stop parotting the same thing. Give her motion. Make her demands for answers more and more intense, until they reach maybe a boiling point, just as Keevan reveals all.
"Of course," Keevan replied. "Let's go up to my office, it will be a more comfortable and suitable place to explain everything. I bid your patience but a few more steps."
Same as before, only in a lobby this time. We have to differentiate between his attempts to get Lilah to STFU in the elevator, and now.
As they walked across the floor of the building a young man dressed in a sharp black three-piece suit with a black gilt-topped cane in hand materialized in the center of the floor in a blinding light. None of the many workers even looked up from their desks. Lilah gasped and fell back, Keevans firm grip pulled her back gently to balance. "What in jumping Jehovahs was that!" Lilah shrieked. The man spotted them from across the floor and hurried over to them.
Everything except what she says. If she is going to say "jumping Jehovahs," then you should replace her "hell" with "heck."
Keevan put his hand up as if to stop him from talking but he had already started.
"Is this her?" The young man spoke in an eager tone with an inspecting eye.
Describe the timbre of his voice. He is another mystery. We want to know everything we can about him. The readers are little Sherlocks who gobble up details in order to form a better picture. Imagine a black painting with an exquisitely beautiful golden frame.
"This is her Hob, but please I haven't explained anything yet, [as] your grandiose entrance was hardly necessary, I will have you using the caretakers cupboard as your transdimensional jump point if you're not careful," Keevan's voice was gruff but only half serious.
Excuse the grammatical frill, I couldn't resist.
We can't tell if he was half-serious from the timbre of his voice.
"Keevan's voice was gruff, but he was only half serious."
"Yes, boss, whatever you say boss, three bags full boss." There was a smirk on Hob's face.
"So, this is the little lady, how old are you? Can't be older than 25 by the looks of it, such a shame. I was young too, I guess we keep our looks eh?" he chuckled.
Ok, Lilah is going to drink from the fountain of youth or something, like he did? Nothing wrong with that, except that he shouldn't focus on her looks. He was already described as being young-looking himself.
"Hob, we don't have time for you right now, I have to help this poor girl understand whats going on, you're not helping. You know the situation we're in at the moment, I suggest you get back to work. You're one of the only ones we've got out in the field, get out of here."
Sounds fine, except that Keevan hasn't even attempted to explain anything.
You asked for vindictive, and you got it.
Omega Weapon!
Omega Weapon!!
Omega Weapon!!!
But the time span will be four years. I'm choosing that number for a reason. So by the end Lilah will have evolved a lot. I don't want a static character, I want a progressive evolution.