CaptainWacky
I want to smell dark matter
(The housemates are having a party. Sree is sitting by himself. Marcus dances right up to Noirin.)
Marcus: I'll have a bowl of that!
Noirin: Oh Marcus!
Marcus: What's wrong Sree, you little shit, you jealous?
Sree: No, thank you please, not jealous at all, you dirty fucker, haha, please to be not swearing at me you fuck.
(Sree walks outside to the garden where Rodrigo is just kind of standing about smiling.)
Rodrigo: Hi Sree!
Sree: No, no, I am not being hi today, look, personally me? I do not be in love with Noirin, but I do love her with all my heart, her beautiful smile makes the moonlight shine, but I am not being in love with her, look, she just a girl, JUST THE MOST SPECIAL BEAUTIFUL GIRL I HAVE EVER SEEN, SHE IS PERFECT IN EVERY WAY, I hate her so much.
Rodrigo: ...
Lisa: Alvis, Alivs, calm down Alvis, just forget about her Alvis, it'll be okay.
Sree: MY HEART IS A KNIFE AND IT IS ON FIRE.
Lisa: I know Alvis, I know! But do you know what would make you feel better? Nominating Halfwit and Marcus next week!
Sree: Hmm...
(Halfwit takes his shoes off and walks across the garden by Dogface, Kris and Karly.)
Kris: Oy, you fucking pleb, what do you think you're doing?
Halfwit: Sorry?
Kris: No, don't think you can weasel your way out of this with an apology you little pleb, just don't do it again!
Halfwit: Do what?
Karly: Och! He's so STOO-pid!
(Karly rolls her eyes.)
Kris: Yeah you are, so stupid, walking over grass with your bare feet, don't you know that's bad for grass, that's how grass dies?
Halfwit: Umm...I think you'll find that it's not...
Kris: Don't tell me what I'll find!
Halfwit: Okay, Kris.
Kris: No it's not okay you spleen, apologise to the grass?
Halfwit: To the grass?
Kris: DO IT BEFORE I RUB YOUR FACE IN IT.
Halfwit: Okay. I'm sorry, grass.
Kris: You stupid tit, it doesn't have any ears!
(Halfwit walks away looking dejected.)
Kris and Karly: HAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHA!
Dogface: Does grass really not have ears? How does it hear? I don't understand! There's so much I don't know about grass! What's it made of? You know what I mean? Why is it green? You know what I mean? It's amazing! How did grass end up being green and made out of grass? Why isn't it made out of wool? I don't get it! You know what I mean?
(Kris has been massaging Charlie this whole time.)
Kris: Yeah, that's great, babe.
Charlie: Wahey man, I just thought up of a MINT PRANK. In five minutes I'm going to run up to Siavash and punch him in the jaw!
Kris: Haha, that'll be well mint!
Karly: Och aye, you'll punch him in the jaw and he'll be all like "I dinnae ken why ye just punched me in yon jaw, och aye!" Hahaha!
Dogface: That's not how Siavash talks! He's not CHINESE! He's from Brazil I think
Karly: I 'hink that's Rodrigo, hen.
Dogface: Well they're both in Australia anyway.
Karly: Oh Sophie, lass, yer so silly!
Dogface: Just like Jade! And I'll make loads of money out of it, just like Jade! HAHAHA!
Karly: Huh?
Dogface: I mean, uhh...is grass made out of salt?
(In the house, Marcus is dancing around Noirin as she does her nails.)
Marcus: Look at me, Noirin, look at me dance, this is a dance I invented!
Noirin: Yeah, that's great. I wish there were some fit men in here.
Marcus: Yeah...some fit men...
(Marcus wipes a tear from his eye while she isn't looking. Sree walks in.)
Sree: Look, Noirin, about before, personally me, friendship it is golden sunshine, it is all God's love turned into a perfect rainbow flying high in the sky, okay, you get me what I am trying to say?
Noirin: No.
(Sree sits on her lap and puts both arms around her.)
Sree: Look, personally me...
Siavash: Hey, give her some space.
Sree: YOU SHUT YOUR MOUTH, YOU STUPID BULLY. YOU ARE DOING A BULLYING ON ME!
Noirin: Look, Sree, it's fine, okay, it's fine, okay, it's fine...just stop tocuhing me.
Sree: Hahaha, our friendship will never die! Unless I kill myself to prove my love...
(He walks away. Charlie runs over and punches Siavash hard on the face.)
Charlie: YES, GOT HIM!
Siavash: Oww, that fucking hurt, man! Fuck!
Charlie: What? What, don't be like that, I was only having a laugh man, why are you being like that, it was just a prank!
Siavash: You fucking punched me in the fucking mouth!
Charlie: As a joke!
(Sree walks into the bathroom where Lisa is peeing and sits on her lap.)
Lisa: Oh Alvis, come here, sit on my lap, nominate Marcus and Freddie for me, there's a good lad, Alvis.
Sree: Look, personally me, I love Noirin like ten lovely bears, but the things she just said to me out there, Lisa, THE THINGS SHE JUST SAID, look, personally me, I'd never say those things to me! So why would SHE say those things to me? She says she is my best friend and that she wants to go on a date with me after the show, but then she rips off my penis, grinds it up, makes me eat it, then kicks me in the balls! WHY IS SHE DOING THESE THINGS!
Lisa: Marcus made her!
(Dogface walks in covered in mud.)
Dogface: Look at me, I'm black now!
THE END
Marcus: I'll have a bowl of that!
Noirin: Oh Marcus!
Marcus: What's wrong Sree, you little shit, you jealous?
Sree: No, thank you please, not jealous at all, you dirty fucker, haha, please to be not swearing at me you fuck.
(Sree walks outside to the garden where Rodrigo is just kind of standing about smiling.)
Rodrigo: Hi Sree!
Sree: No, no, I am not being hi today, look, personally me? I do not be in love with Noirin, but I do love her with all my heart, her beautiful smile makes the moonlight shine, but I am not being in love with her, look, she just a girl, JUST THE MOST SPECIAL BEAUTIFUL GIRL I HAVE EVER SEEN, SHE IS PERFECT IN EVERY WAY, I hate her so much.
Rodrigo: ...
Lisa: Alvis, Alivs, calm down Alvis, just forget about her Alvis, it'll be okay.
Sree: MY HEART IS A KNIFE AND IT IS ON FIRE.
Lisa: I know Alvis, I know! But do you know what would make you feel better? Nominating Halfwit and Marcus next week!
Sree: Hmm...
(Halfwit takes his shoes off and walks across the garden by Dogface, Kris and Karly.)
Kris: Oy, you fucking pleb, what do you think you're doing?
Halfwit: Sorry?
Kris: No, don't think you can weasel your way out of this with an apology you little pleb, just don't do it again!
Halfwit: Do what?
Karly: Och! He's so STOO-pid!
(Karly rolls her eyes.)
Kris: Yeah you are, so stupid, walking over grass with your bare feet, don't you know that's bad for grass, that's how grass dies?
Halfwit: Umm...I think you'll find that it's not...
Kris: Don't tell me what I'll find!
Halfwit: Okay, Kris.
Kris: No it's not okay you spleen, apologise to the grass?
Halfwit: To the grass?
Kris: DO IT BEFORE I RUB YOUR FACE IN IT.
Halfwit: Okay. I'm sorry, grass.
Kris: You stupid tit, it doesn't have any ears!
(Halfwit walks away looking dejected.)
Kris and Karly: HAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHA!
Dogface: Does grass really not have ears? How does it hear? I don't understand! There's so much I don't know about grass! What's it made of? You know what I mean? Why is it green? You know what I mean? It's amazing! How did grass end up being green and made out of grass? Why isn't it made out of wool? I don't get it! You know what I mean?
(Kris has been massaging Charlie this whole time.)
Kris: Yeah, that's great, babe.
Charlie: Wahey man, I just thought up of a MINT PRANK. In five minutes I'm going to run up to Siavash and punch him in the jaw!
Kris: Haha, that'll be well mint!
Karly: Och aye, you'll punch him in the jaw and he'll be all like "I dinnae ken why ye just punched me in yon jaw, och aye!" Hahaha!
Dogface: That's not how Siavash talks! He's not CHINESE! He's from Brazil I think
Karly: I 'hink that's Rodrigo, hen.
Dogface: Well they're both in Australia anyway.
Karly: Oh Sophie, lass, yer so silly!
Dogface: Just like Jade! And I'll make loads of money out of it, just like Jade! HAHAHA!
Karly: Huh?
Dogface: I mean, uhh...is grass made out of salt?
(In the house, Marcus is dancing around Noirin as she does her nails.)
Marcus: Look at me, Noirin, look at me dance, this is a dance I invented!
Noirin: Yeah, that's great. I wish there were some fit men in here.
Marcus: Yeah...some fit men...
(Marcus wipes a tear from his eye while she isn't looking. Sree walks in.)
Sree: Look, Noirin, about before, personally me, friendship it is golden sunshine, it is all God's love turned into a perfect rainbow flying high in the sky, okay, you get me what I am trying to say?
Noirin: No.
(Sree sits on her lap and puts both arms around her.)
Sree: Look, personally me...
Siavash: Hey, give her some space.
Sree: YOU SHUT YOUR MOUTH, YOU STUPID BULLY. YOU ARE DOING A BULLYING ON ME!
Noirin: Look, Sree, it's fine, okay, it's fine, okay, it's fine...just stop tocuhing me.
Sree: Hahaha, our friendship will never die! Unless I kill myself to prove my love...
(He walks away. Charlie runs over and punches Siavash hard on the face.)
Charlie: YES, GOT HIM!
Siavash: Oww, that fucking hurt, man! Fuck!
Charlie: What? What, don't be like that, I was only having a laugh man, why are you being like that, it was just a prank!
Siavash: You fucking punched me in the fucking mouth!
Charlie: As a joke!
(Sree walks into the bathroom where Lisa is peeing and sits on her lap.)
Lisa: Oh Alvis, come here, sit on my lap, nominate Marcus and Freddie for me, there's a good lad, Alvis.
Sree: Look, personally me, I love Noirin like ten lovely bears, but the things she just said to me out there, Lisa, THE THINGS SHE JUST SAID, look, personally me, I'd never say those things to me! So why would SHE say those things to me? She says she is my best friend and that she wants to go on a date with me after the show, but then she rips off my penis, grinds it up, makes me eat it, then kicks me in the balls! WHY IS SHE DOING THESE THINGS!
Lisa: Marcus made her!
(Dogface walks in covered in mud.)
Dogface: Look at me, I'm black now!
THE END