CaptainWacky
I want to smell dark matter
(Sally has just been evicted. The audience are booing her.)
Sally: Why are you booing me? Because of THE FUCKING DAILY MAIL?
(Inside the house Jedward are sad.)
John: Oh my God, Edward, I can't believe Sally went.
Edward: Who?
John: Oh my God, Edward, the old woman, yeah?
Edward: Oh yeah, grandma Sally. Oh my God, John, I'm sad too, yeah.
John: You know what can cheer us up, Edward?
Edward(looking around worried): Not THAT, surely...
John: No, not THAT...we need to put sticky tape on our shoes and walk on the ceiling!
Edward: OH MY GOD, JOHN, WHAT A GREAT IDEA!
(Darryn and Paddy are watching.)
Darryn: Fuck's sake. Fucking fuck. The fucking twats. They're going to fucking wreck that ceiling. Fuckers.
Paddy: Aye arrr you cannae be rumblin' the puddin' in the rumm-a-tum, ack, fiddly face feck ears, the ceiling!
Darryn: Exactly. Fuck. No respect for themselves. Imagiine if they were Diana's children? She would have to drown them. It's a disgrace.
(Bobby is listening to this and storms out to Lucien and Pamela in the garden.)
Bobby: I can't fucking believe it! That fucking Darryn! Says he wants to cook Jedward up in a soup and feed it to landmine victims because it's "what Diana would have wanted." Fucking fuck! I'm going to set fire to his shoes. Then throw them at him.
Lucien: YEAH, GO FOR IT!
Pamela: I sense aggression in the air...my Jedi Master taught me how to smell aggression back when I was in Tibet learning how to save the world...I going to cook some beef in my socks to end this conflict!
(Pamela goes into the house where Kerry is looking in the fridge.)
Kerry: 'ERE, WHERE'S THE FOOKIN' CHICKEN DINOSAURS, I ORDERED FOOKIN' CHICKEN DINOSAURS FROM ICELAND, ONLY FIFETY NINE PEE FOR TWELVE, FEED THEM TO ME KIDS ALL THE TIME, I LOVE MY KIDS I DO, EVERYTHING I DO IS FOR ME KIDS.
Tara: What, even the drugs?
Kerry: WHAT?
Tara: I mean, SLUR SLUR, SLURRY WORDS.
Kerry: OH, RIGHT.
(Pamela is cooking meat in her socks.)
Darryn: Look at her. Fucking disgrace. Cooking meat in her socks. When I was a war reporter I used to have to eat my dead friends. And we didn't have socks to cook them in. It's fucking disgusting.
Paddy: Arr, it's a rimminy took nose, is what it is, fuddlemiff slektwag boohat meep nimminy sreaky toos, so it is!
Darryn: Wh would eat that?
(Jedward fall off the ceiling.)
Jedward: YAY, SOCK MEAT, OH MY GOD, YEAH!
(Bobby comes in.)
Bobby: Hey, Big Brother built a treehouse in the garden, FOR SOME REASON.
Darryn: Are those my shoes?
Bobby: No.
Kerry: 'ERE I JUST REMEMBERED THAT I LOVE MY KIDS AND THAT I MISS THEM, I'M JUST AN ORDINARY MUM WHO'S BEEN HOOKED ON CRACK AND DISGRACED HERSELF FOR YEARS, I'M JUST LIKE EVERYONE WATCHING AT HOME SO I AM, GOD I MISS MY KIDS SO MUCH, EVEN THE STUPID ONE.
Tara: I feel the same way about my dog.
Kerry: WHAT ABOUT YOUR 'USBAND, EH, AND HIS BIG COCK.
Tara: Yeah...sure...
(She ayes up Paddy's crotch.)
Tara: But I can think of something that could "fill the gap"...
Paddy: Aye, jimminy-be-googly, I'll give you servicing alright, but what will the woman say?
(A burning shoes flies by Darryn.)
Bobby: Look, Darryn, sorry, I think I might have misjudged you, remember when that burning shoe was thrown at you...
Pamela: Hey, where are Jedward? Have they evolved into vapour?
Lucien: I think they're in the treehouse, I'll go look for them...
(Lucien climbs up the treehouse. He can hear John and Edward moaning and speaking inside.)
Edward: Like, oh my God, John, do it harder, harder, make me feel like Britney John, harder, HARDER, like oh my God yeah?
John: Sssh, someone will hear.
(They spot Lucien looking in the window. John walks over to him. Lucien nearly slips but John grabs his hand.)
Lucien: Thanks...
John: How old are you, Lucien?
Lucien: 19.
John: 19 years old...
Edward: John, he SAW us.
(John sighs sadly and gives Lucien a push.)
John: The things I do for love, like oh my God, yeah.
(Lucien falls to his death in the garden, where Amy is sunbathing. She laughs.)
Amy: Hehe, you fell over! Silly Lucien! I'd give you the kiss of life, but you'd get a HARD WILLY. So I won't do that! Hehe! Oh, I'm WELL STUPID trying to sunbathe at night! Silly old meep! I mean me. I'm so thick I said meep!
Kerry: OH SHIT HE'S DEAD, LUCIEN'S DEAD!
Amy: Probably just sleeping, honey!
(She looks directly into the camera and smiles evily.)
Amy: One step closer to world domination...
(OMINOUS BACKGROUND MUSIC plays to let you know what you should be feeling.)
TO BE CONTINUED?
Sally: Why are you booing me? Because of THE FUCKING DAILY MAIL?
(Inside the house Jedward are sad.)
John: Oh my God, Edward, I can't believe Sally went.
Edward: Who?
John: Oh my God, Edward, the old woman, yeah?
Edward: Oh yeah, grandma Sally. Oh my God, John, I'm sad too, yeah.
John: You know what can cheer us up, Edward?
Edward(looking around worried): Not THAT, surely...
John: No, not THAT...we need to put sticky tape on our shoes and walk on the ceiling!
Edward: OH MY GOD, JOHN, WHAT A GREAT IDEA!
(Darryn and Paddy are watching.)
Darryn: Fuck's sake. Fucking fuck. The fucking twats. They're going to fucking wreck that ceiling. Fuckers.
Paddy: Aye arrr you cannae be rumblin' the puddin' in the rumm-a-tum, ack, fiddly face feck ears, the ceiling!
Darryn: Exactly. Fuck. No respect for themselves. Imagiine if they were Diana's children? She would have to drown them. It's a disgrace.
(Bobby is listening to this and storms out to Lucien and Pamela in the garden.)
Bobby: I can't fucking believe it! That fucking Darryn! Says he wants to cook Jedward up in a soup and feed it to landmine victims because it's "what Diana would have wanted." Fucking fuck! I'm going to set fire to his shoes. Then throw them at him.
Lucien: YEAH, GO FOR IT!
Pamela: I sense aggression in the air...my Jedi Master taught me how to smell aggression back when I was in Tibet learning how to save the world...I going to cook some beef in my socks to end this conflict!
(Pamela goes into the house where Kerry is looking in the fridge.)
Kerry: 'ERE, WHERE'S THE FOOKIN' CHICKEN DINOSAURS, I ORDERED FOOKIN' CHICKEN DINOSAURS FROM ICELAND, ONLY FIFETY NINE PEE FOR TWELVE, FEED THEM TO ME KIDS ALL THE TIME, I LOVE MY KIDS I DO, EVERYTHING I DO IS FOR ME KIDS.
Tara: What, even the drugs?
Kerry: WHAT?
Tara: I mean, SLUR SLUR, SLURRY WORDS.
Kerry: OH, RIGHT.
(Pamela is cooking meat in her socks.)
Darryn: Look at her. Fucking disgrace. Cooking meat in her socks. When I was a war reporter I used to have to eat my dead friends. And we didn't have socks to cook them in. It's fucking disgusting.
Paddy: Arr, it's a rimminy took nose, is what it is, fuddlemiff slektwag boohat meep nimminy sreaky toos, so it is!
Darryn: Wh would eat that?
(Jedward fall off the ceiling.)
Jedward: YAY, SOCK MEAT, OH MY GOD, YEAH!
(Bobby comes in.)
Bobby: Hey, Big Brother built a treehouse in the garden, FOR SOME REASON.
Darryn: Are those my shoes?
Bobby: No.
Kerry: 'ERE I JUST REMEMBERED THAT I LOVE MY KIDS AND THAT I MISS THEM, I'M JUST AN ORDINARY MUM WHO'S BEEN HOOKED ON CRACK AND DISGRACED HERSELF FOR YEARS, I'M JUST LIKE EVERYONE WATCHING AT HOME SO I AM, GOD I MISS MY KIDS SO MUCH, EVEN THE STUPID ONE.
Tara: I feel the same way about my dog.
Kerry: WHAT ABOUT YOUR 'USBAND, EH, AND HIS BIG COCK.
Tara: Yeah...sure...
(She ayes up Paddy's crotch.)
Tara: But I can think of something that could "fill the gap"...
Paddy: Aye, jimminy-be-googly, I'll give you servicing alright, but what will the woman say?
(A burning shoes flies by Darryn.)
Bobby: Look, Darryn, sorry, I think I might have misjudged you, remember when that burning shoe was thrown at you...
Pamela: Hey, where are Jedward? Have they evolved into vapour?
Lucien: I think they're in the treehouse, I'll go look for them...
(Lucien climbs up the treehouse. He can hear John and Edward moaning and speaking inside.)
Edward: Like, oh my God, John, do it harder, harder, make me feel like Britney John, harder, HARDER, like oh my God yeah?
John: Sssh, someone will hear.
(They spot Lucien looking in the window. John walks over to him. Lucien nearly slips but John grabs his hand.)
Lucien: Thanks...
John: How old are you, Lucien?
Lucien: 19.
John: 19 years old...
Edward: John, he SAW us.
(John sighs sadly and gives Lucien a push.)
John: The things I do for love, like oh my God, yeah.
(Lucien falls to his death in the garden, where Amy is sunbathing. She laughs.)
Amy: Hehe, you fell over! Silly Lucien! I'd give you the kiss of life, but you'd get a HARD WILLY. So I won't do that! Hehe! Oh, I'm WELL STUPID trying to sunbathe at night! Silly old meep! I mean me. I'm so thick I said meep!
Kerry: OH SHIT HE'S DEAD, LUCIEN'S DEAD!
Amy: Probably just sleeping, honey!
(She looks directly into the camera and smiles evily.)
Amy: One step closer to world domination...
(OMINOUS BACKGROUND MUSIC plays to let you know what you should be feeling.)
TO BE CONTINUED?
