Sadistic Bastard
No Mercy
This is from a US serviceman serving in the Gulf.
His journal isHERE .
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
JS Writing Contest Entry
posted 08/24/05 (edited Wednesday, Aug 24, 2005 14:45)
I probably should have put myself into the fiction category, but then this occurred to me and almost wrote itself. Enjoy:
The Revenge of the Jihadi
A few weeks ago, I wrote what I thought was a satirical piece on the similarities between fantasy, SF and comic fans and Jihadis. Apparently, I touched a nerve. This came to me through some highly unofficial channels, but fortunately, I’m in a pretty well-defended place.
Transcript of conference call between several highly placed Al Qaeda operatives. Security Classification: Unclassified. No restriction to dissemnation.
Analysis notes:
1. Positive identification of Ayman Al Zawahiri, Osama Bin Laden’s deputy, is confirmed, 90% probability.
2. Identification of others remains inconclusive.
Start Transcript:
ZAWAHIRI: Is everyone on?
UNIDENTIFIED#1: I’m here
UNIDENTIFIED#2: Peace be upon you. I am here.
UNIDENTIFIED#3: Can you hear me?
ZAWAHIRI: Yes. Good. I’ve called you because Osama, Peace Be Upon Him, has read a disturbing item and we must take action. You have all read the column by the infidel who calls himself, “Odysseus?â€
UNIDENTIFIED#1: Yes.
UNIDENTIFIED#2: Yes.
UNIDENTIFIED#3: The fanboy thing? Yes.
ZAWAHIRI: Osama feels that he has defamed us, and defamed the true faith. He feels that we must draft a Fatwa.
UNIDENTIFIED#1: For that?
ZAWAHIRI: Yes.
UNIDENTIFIED#2: Come on. That’s a lot of work for one lousy column. It’s not like anyone rioted over it.
ZAWAHIRI: Yes, still…
UNIDENTIFIED#2: I kind of liked it.
ALL: What?
UNIDENTIFIED#2: Well, yeah. I mean, think about it. Beards. Living at home. It was kind of funny, you know, that on a superficial level, their fanboys look like us.
ZAWAHIRI: We are not Fanboys! It is an insult! For an infidel to compare the Green Lantern Oath to the Qur’an is an outrage!
UNIDENTIFIED#1: Which oath?
ZAWAHIRI: Green Lantern…
UNIDENTIFIED#1: No, I mean the original one or the silver age one? Was it the one that goes, “In brightest day, in blackest night, no evil shall escape my sight…â€
ZAWAHIRI: It doesn’t matter which one! It’s still blasphemy.
UNIDENTIFIED#2: Yeah, but there’s blasphemy and there’s blasphemy. It’s better than the new Green Lantern.
UNIDENTIFIED#1: Agreed. Kyle Raynor sucks. They need to bring back Hal Jordan.
ZAWAHIRI: This is beside the point. Our honor has been insulted.
UNIDENTIFIED#3: True. We cannot be compared to American fanboys. It will shame us in the eyes of the Ummah. No one will take us seriously.
UNIDENTIFIED#1: They take Joss Whedon seriously.
UNIDENTIFIED#3: Please. When Firefly tanked, they tossed him faster than you can say “Shazam.†He’s writing an X-Men comic now, for Allah’s sake.
UNIDENTIFIED#2: Yeah, but have you read it? It’s better than what Claremont’s doing lately.
UNIDENTIFIED#3: What isn’t?
ZAWAHIRI: I cannot believe what I am hearing! You have let the decadent culture of the crusaders corrupt you!
UNIDENTIFIED#3: Oh, like you haven’t seen Episode I twenty times.
ZAWAHIRI: That’s different. We must know enough about the infidel culture to destroy it. I take no pleasure in it.
UNIDENTIFIED#3: Oh, right! Who used the Jedi mind trick to get past a US Army checkpoint?
UNIDENTIFIED#2: What? No way!
UNIDENTIFIED#3: It was sooo cool. They had us stopped, and Ayman waves his hand at the MP and says, “These aren’t the droids you’re looking for.â€
UNIDENTIFIED#2: What did he do?
UNIDENTIFIED#3: That was the best part. The MP almost cracked up, and then he said, “These aren’t the droids that we’re looking for.†Then he waved us through.
UNIDENTIFIED#2: That’s awesome.
ZAWAHIRI: Well, yeah, but it proves my point. I knew enough to use their culture against them. It was like when Kirk dressed up as a Romulan to infiltrate their ship. It wouldn’t have worked without the pointed ears.
UNIDENTIFIED#2: Which one was that?
UNIDENTIFIED#3: The one with the hot Romulan commander babe.
UNIDENTIFIED#2: I’m more into the Next Generation.
UNIDENTIFIED#1: [unintelligible]
UNIDENTIFIED#2: [unintelligible].
UNIDENTIFIED#3: Oh please. Kirk would so kick Picard’s ass….
UNIDENTIFIED#2: [unintelligible].
ZAWAHIRI: Enough! Are we going to do this or not? Osama has said…
UNIDENTIFIED#1: “Osama has said…†Right. Osama doesn’t read blogs. He spends all of his online time downloading “previews†of his 72 virgins, except for when he’s in the Buffy chat rooms.
ZAWAHIRI: That’s how he found out about it. He was mortified. Allyson Hannigan was laughing at him. We must take action.
UNIDENTIFIED#3: “Willow†laughed at him? At least it wasn’t Xander.
UNIDENTIFIED#1: Yeah, really. Remember when she became a vampire? I’d take her for a wife.
UNIDENTIFIED#3: Even with the whole “Tara†thing?
UNIDENTIFIED#1: Yeah! What’s the point of having two wives otherwise?
ALL: [Laughter, hooting noises]
ZAWAHIRI: Can we get back to the Fatwa?
UNIDENTIFIED#3: A Fatwa is so lame. Those things never work. Hello? Salman Rushdie, anyone? And why does this guy rate one? You wouldn’t let me put out a Fatwa on George Lucas after Phantom Menace. I waited in line for four days for that piece of crap! If Jar-Jar doesn’t earn you the just and righteous wrath of Allah, nothing should.
UNIDENTIFIED#2: I thought that Jar-Jar was kind of funny.
ALL: What?
UNIDENTIFIED#2: I said, I thought that Jar-Jar was kind of funny.
UNIDENTIFIED#3: Okay, that’s it! I want a Fatwa on you.
ZAWAHIRI: [unintelligible]
End Transcript
***
His journal isHERE .
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
JS Writing Contest Entry
posted 08/24/05 (edited Wednesday, Aug 24, 2005 14:45)
I probably should have put myself into the fiction category, but then this occurred to me and almost wrote itself. Enjoy:
The Revenge of the Jihadi
A few weeks ago, I wrote what I thought was a satirical piece on the similarities between fantasy, SF and comic fans and Jihadis. Apparently, I touched a nerve. This came to me through some highly unofficial channels, but fortunately, I’m in a pretty well-defended place.
Transcript of conference call between several highly placed Al Qaeda operatives. Security Classification: Unclassified. No restriction to dissemnation.
Analysis notes:
1. Positive identification of Ayman Al Zawahiri, Osama Bin Laden’s deputy, is confirmed, 90% probability.
2. Identification of others remains inconclusive.
Start Transcript:
ZAWAHIRI: Is everyone on?
UNIDENTIFIED#1: I’m here
UNIDENTIFIED#2: Peace be upon you. I am here.
UNIDENTIFIED#3: Can you hear me?
ZAWAHIRI: Yes. Good. I’ve called you because Osama, Peace Be Upon Him, has read a disturbing item and we must take action. You have all read the column by the infidel who calls himself, “Odysseus?â€
UNIDENTIFIED#1: Yes.
UNIDENTIFIED#2: Yes.
UNIDENTIFIED#3: The fanboy thing? Yes.
ZAWAHIRI: Osama feels that he has defamed us, and defamed the true faith. He feels that we must draft a Fatwa.
UNIDENTIFIED#1: For that?
ZAWAHIRI: Yes.
UNIDENTIFIED#2: Come on. That’s a lot of work for one lousy column. It’s not like anyone rioted over it.
ZAWAHIRI: Yes, still…
UNIDENTIFIED#2: I kind of liked it.
ALL: What?
UNIDENTIFIED#2: Well, yeah. I mean, think about it. Beards. Living at home. It was kind of funny, you know, that on a superficial level, their fanboys look like us.
ZAWAHIRI: We are not Fanboys! It is an insult! For an infidel to compare the Green Lantern Oath to the Qur’an is an outrage!
UNIDENTIFIED#1: Which oath?
ZAWAHIRI: Green Lantern…
UNIDENTIFIED#1: No, I mean the original one or the silver age one? Was it the one that goes, “In brightest day, in blackest night, no evil shall escape my sight…â€
ZAWAHIRI: It doesn’t matter which one! It’s still blasphemy.
UNIDENTIFIED#2: Yeah, but there’s blasphemy and there’s blasphemy. It’s better than the new Green Lantern.
UNIDENTIFIED#1: Agreed. Kyle Raynor sucks. They need to bring back Hal Jordan.
ZAWAHIRI: This is beside the point. Our honor has been insulted.
UNIDENTIFIED#3: True. We cannot be compared to American fanboys. It will shame us in the eyes of the Ummah. No one will take us seriously.
UNIDENTIFIED#1: They take Joss Whedon seriously.
UNIDENTIFIED#3: Please. When Firefly tanked, they tossed him faster than you can say “Shazam.†He’s writing an X-Men comic now, for Allah’s sake.
UNIDENTIFIED#2: Yeah, but have you read it? It’s better than what Claremont’s doing lately.
UNIDENTIFIED#3: What isn’t?
ZAWAHIRI: I cannot believe what I am hearing! You have let the decadent culture of the crusaders corrupt you!
UNIDENTIFIED#3: Oh, like you haven’t seen Episode I twenty times.
ZAWAHIRI: That’s different. We must know enough about the infidel culture to destroy it. I take no pleasure in it.
UNIDENTIFIED#3: Oh, right! Who used the Jedi mind trick to get past a US Army checkpoint?
UNIDENTIFIED#2: What? No way!
UNIDENTIFIED#3: It was sooo cool. They had us stopped, and Ayman waves his hand at the MP and says, “These aren’t the droids you’re looking for.â€
UNIDENTIFIED#2: What did he do?
UNIDENTIFIED#3: That was the best part. The MP almost cracked up, and then he said, “These aren’t the droids that we’re looking for.†Then he waved us through.
UNIDENTIFIED#2: That’s awesome.
ZAWAHIRI: Well, yeah, but it proves my point. I knew enough to use their culture against them. It was like when Kirk dressed up as a Romulan to infiltrate their ship. It wouldn’t have worked without the pointed ears.
UNIDENTIFIED#2: Which one was that?
UNIDENTIFIED#3: The one with the hot Romulan commander babe.
UNIDENTIFIED#2: I’m more into the Next Generation.
UNIDENTIFIED#1: [unintelligible]
UNIDENTIFIED#2: [unintelligible].
UNIDENTIFIED#3: Oh please. Kirk would so kick Picard’s ass….
UNIDENTIFIED#2: [unintelligible].
ZAWAHIRI: Enough! Are we going to do this or not? Osama has said…
UNIDENTIFIED#1: “Osama has said…†Right. Osama doesn’t read blogs. He spends all of his online time downloading “previews†of his 72 virgins, except for when he’s in the Buffy chat rooms.
ZAWAHIRI: That’s how he found out about it. He was mortified. Allyson Hannigan was laughing at him. We must take action.
UNIDENTIFIED#3: “Willow†laughed at him? At least it wasn’t Xander.
UNIDENTIFIED#1: Yeah, really. Remember when she became a vampire? I’d take her for a wife.
UNIDENTIFIED#3: Even with the whole “Tara†thing?
UNIDENTIFIED#1: Yeah! What’s the point of having two wives otherwise?
ALL: [Laughter, hooting noises]
ZAWAHIRI: Can we get back to the Fatwa?
UNIDENTIFIED#3: A Fatwa is so lame. Those things never work. Hello? Salman Rushdie, anyone? And why does this guy rate one? You wouldn’t let me put out a Fatwa on George Lucas after Phantom Menace. I waited in line for four days for that piece of crap! If Jar-Jar doesn’t earn you the just and righteous wrath of Allah, nothing should.
UNIDENTIFIED#2: I thought that Jar-Jar was kind of funny.
ALL: What?
UNIDENTIFIED#2: I said, I thought that Jar-Jar was kind of funny.
UNIDENTIFIED#3: Okay, that’s it! I want a Fatwa on you.
ZAWAHIRI: [unintelligible]
End Transcript
***
