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Good Jokes...

lady_elena_wf

lady_elena_wf

New member
Cause I really need a laugh.

Hillbilly Mirror



After living in the remote wilderness of Kentucky all his life, an old
hillbilly decided it was time to visit the big city. In one of the stores
he picks up a mirror and looks in it. Not knowing what it was, he remarked,
"How about that! Here's a picture of my daddy."

He bought the 'picture', but on the way home he remembered his wife,
Lizzy, didn't like his father.
So he hung it in the barn, and every morning before leaving for the
fields, he would go there and look at it.

Lizzy began to get suspicious of these many trips to the barn. One day
after her husband left, she searched the barn and found the mirror. As she
looked into the glass, she fumed, "So that's the ugly bitch he's runnin'
around with."
 
Question

Dear Tech Support:

Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0. I soon noticed
that the new program began unexpected child processes that took up a lot of
space and valuable resources. In addition, Wife 1.0 installed itself into all other programs and now monitors all other system activity. Applications such as Poker Night 10.3, Football 5.0, Hunting and Fishing 7.5, and Racing 3.6 no longer run, crashing the system whenever selected.

I can't seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run my favorite applications. I'm thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0, but the uninstall doesn't work on Wife 1.0. Please help!
Thanks,
A Troubled User. ____________
 
REPLY:

Dear Troubled User:

This is a very common problem that men complain about.

Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0, thinking that it is just a Utilities and Entertainment program. Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and is designed by its Creator to run EVERYTHING!!! It is also impossible to delete Wife 1.0 and to return to Girlfriend 7.0. It is impossible to uninstall, or purge the program files from the system once installed.

You cannot go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is designed to not allow this. Look in your Wife 1.0 manual under Warnings-Alimony-Child Support. I recommend that you keep Wife1.0 and work on improving the situation. I suggest installing the background application "Yes Dear" to alleviate software augmentation.

The best course of action is to enter the command SYS:APOLOGIZE because ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGIZE command before the system will return to normal anyway. Wife 1.0 is a great program, but it tends to be very high maintenance. Wife 1.0 comes with several support programs, such as Clean and Sweep 3.0, Cook It 1.5 and Do Bills 4.2.

However, be very careful how you use these programs. Improper use will cause the system to launch the program Nag 9.5. Once this happens, the only way to improve the performance of Wife 1.0 is to purchase additional software. I recommend Flowers 2.1 and Diamonds 5.0 !

WARNING!!! DO NOT, under any circumstances, install Secretary With Short Skirt 3.3. This application is not supported by Wife 1.0 and will cause irreversible damage to the operating system.

Best of luck,
Tech Support
--
 
A man walks into a bar with an ornate chest and, sitting down, he places the chest on the bar and orders a drink.

As the bartender brings him his drink, he inquires about the box and without comment, the man flips open the chest, and pulls out a miniature Steinway Grand complete with candelabra and stool, and a very small man completely dressed in cummerbund and tux. The little guy sits down and immediately bgins to pound out something reminiscent of Debussy, but the bartender, not being an afficionado can't quite place the piece.

"Astounding" says the bartender. "How did you acquire such an amazing thing?"

The guest proceeds to tell the bartender the Urban Myth Of The Genie In The Lamp, at the conclusion of which the bartender says "Well, why did you ask for that?", pointing to the tiny musician, who was merrily wailing away on Holst's" The Planets.

"I didn't" says the man sipping his drink, "I'm pretty sure my genie was hard of hearing, because I asked him for a 12 inch penis."
 
If a girl with large breasts can work at Hooters, where does a girl with one leg work?

IHOP.
 
As a teenager, when I was kidnapped my parents responded immediately. They rented out my room.
 
Sherlock Holmes and Watson are working on a time consuming case in the wilderness. They set up a tent to sleep. Lying on their backs, Sherlock asks "My dear Watson, look up at the moon and stars, and tell me what you deduce." Watson says "I deduce that we are but a tiny part of the cosmos, full of other planets, other galaxies, and perhaps even other universes."

Sherlock replies "No, you idiot. There's a hole in our tent."
 
A drunk redneck arrives at his house holding a pig. His wife answers the door. He says, "Honey, I'd like you to meet the pig I've been fucking." His wife says "That is the most revolting thing I've ever heard."

He turns to the pig and whispers in its ear, "Sweetie, I was talking to you."
 
Bill Clinton is getting off Air Force one, and under each arm, he's holding a pig.

As he gets to the bottom step, the Marine salutes him and says, "Nice pigs, sir!"

Cliton turns to the Marine and says, "Young man, I'll have you know that these here are genuine Arkansas Razorback hogs! They're not just
'pigs'? I got one for Hillary and one for Chelsea."

The Marine thinks for a moment, and says, "Nice trade, sir!"
 
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