"But you know, it's hard to have a relationship in this business, man. It's gonna take a very special woman ... or a bunch of average ones.
Anyway, I was reading an article in the paper about Ted Bundy [the mass murderer] being on trial in Florida. In the article it said the courtroom was filled with women waiting to give him flowers, love letters and wedding fucking proposals ... and I'm afraid to say that the first thing that entered my head was: 'And I'm not getting laid.' What am I doing wrong?
I read another article, a woman is suing the state of Wisconsin. Here's why: She married a fella. He's on death row. Why is he on death row? He killed 8 women ... he has AIDS, and she's suing the state for rights of conjugal visits. And I'm afraid to say that the first thing that came to my head was: 'And I'm not getting laid.' OK, what exactly are you ladies looking for in a man here? They must have been heavy on the old sense of humour that you always talk about in your little women's polls.
'Ted Bundy, that old whip, he's hilarious. Some of the things Ted would do, he kills me. I overlooked the whole mass murder things 'cause he kept me in stitches.' It's just depressing. Michael Bolton, Garth Brooks, achey breaky fucking dick this guy is, Ted Bundy getting wedding proposals. You know, we're fucked up here. I tell you, Satan's gonna have no trouble taking over here 'cause all the women are gonna say: 'What a cute butt.' He's Satan. 'You don't know him like I do.' He's the Prince of Darkness. 'I can change him.' And I bet that's true, man. I wouldn't give Satan a snowball's chance in Hell against a woman's ego. He'd rule the earth for a day, then we'd see him outside, mowing the lawn. 'Hey, aren't you Satan?' 'Shut up.' 'Oooh, Mr. Prince of Darkness, you forgot the edge back there.' 'SHUT UP.' You'll see him at the supermarket buying 'Tampons, aisle three ...' 'Aren't you Satan?' 'SHUT UP.' 'You're pussy-whipped!' 'No, I'm Satan! GRRR!' 'You're not Prince of Darkness, you're Pussy-whipped of Darkness!'"
"'Hey buddy, my daddy died for that flag.'
'Really? I bought mine. Yeah, they sell them at K-Mart and shit.'
'He died in the Korean War.'
'Wow, what a coincidence. Mine was made in Korea.'
No one – and I repeat, no one – has ever died for a flag. See, a flag ... its just a piece of cloth. They may have died for freedom, which is also the freedom to burn the fuckin' flag, see. That's freedom."
"Why is pot against the law? It wouldn't be because anyone can grow it, and therefore you can't make a profit off it, would it?"
"Not all drugs are good. Some ... are great."
"Go back to bed, America. Your government has figured out how it all transpired. Go back to bed, America. Your government is in control again. Here. Here's American Gladiators. Watch this, shut up. Go back to bed, America. Here is American Gladiators. Here is 56 channels of it! Watch these pituitary retards bang their fucking skulls together and congratulate you on living in the land of freedom. Here you go, America! You are free to do what we tell you! You are free to do what we tell you!"
"And I knew Bill Clinton became one of the boys when he bombed Iraq. Remember that? It was just a little news story for two days, isn't that interesting? He launched 22 cruise missiles against Baghdad in retalliation for the alleged assassination attempt against George Bush, which failed. We killed six innocent people, launching twenty two, I think three million dollars-a-piece missles on Baghdad, killing six innocent people. Umm ... I think that's a little bit overdoing it if you ask me. What we should have done is embarrass the Iraqis. And here's how we should have done it: we should have assassinated Bush ourselves. 'There, that's how you do it, towel heads. Don't fuck with us.' And see, if it had been Bush who had died, there would have been no loss of innocent life."
"The whole image is that eternal suffering awaits anyone who questions God's infinite love. That's the message we're brought up with, isn't it? Believe or die! 'Thank you, forgiving Lord, for all those options.'"
"I'm sorry if anyone here is Catholic. I'm not sorry if you are offended, I'm actually sorry – just the fact that you're Catholic. Gotta be one of the most ludicrous fucking beliefs ever. Like these vampire priests sink their twin fangs of guilt and sin into you as a child and suck your joy of life out of you the rest of your fucking existence."
"Rush Limbaugh is a Scat muncher. He munches Scat!"
"Yeah, you really got my act down good, guys. That'll be great. You know, when I'm done ranting about elite power that rules the planet under a totalitarian government that uses the media in order to keep people stupid, my throat gets parched. That's why I drink orange drink." (After being asked to do an advertisement for orange drink)
"Here is my actual theory ... beyond the huge, hilarious jokes I have. Here's my real theory, though: If you're so pro-life and you're so pro-child, then adopt one that's already here, that's very unwanted and very alone and needs someone to take care of it to get it out of a horrible situation. Okay? People say, 'Why don't you do that?' And I say, 'Because I hate fucking kids and couldn't care less.' Couldn't give a fuck. Don't care at all about abortion. It's your choice, case closed, the end, bottom line. And by the way, that 3 month old kid in your belly is not a fucking human being, okay? It's a bunch of little congregated cells. You're not a human ... till you're in my phonebook."
"What do you say we lighten things up and talk about abortion? You know, I feel like I'm losing some of you here, and I want to win all of you back with this one. Let's talk about abortion. Let's talk about child killing and see if we can't get some chuckles rippling through the room here. Let's talk about mass murder of young, unborn children and see if we can't coalesce into one big, healthy gutlaugh. Ha ha ha ha!
Boy, I've never seen a issue so divisive. It's like a civil war, isn't it? Even amongst my friends, who are all very intelligent; they're totally divided on abortion. It's unbelievable. Some of my friends, for instance, think these pro-life people are annoying idiots. Other of my friends think these pro-life people ... are evil fucks. How are we going to come to a consensus? You ought to hear the arguments around my house: 'They're annoying, they're idiots.' 'They're evil, they're fucks!' Brothers, sisters, come together! Can't we once just join hands and think of them as evil-annoying-idiot-fucks? I beseech you. But that's me ..."
"People come up to me and say, 'What's wrong?' Nothing. 'Well, it takes more energy to frown than it does to smile.' Yeah, you know it takes more energy to point that out than it does to leave me alone?"
"I have been a comedian for a long time, so forgive me while I plaster on a fake smile and plough through this shit one more time."
"I was in Nashville, Tennesee last year. After the show, I went to a waffle house. I'm not proud of it, I was hungry. And I'm eating, I'm alone and I'm reading a book, right? Waitress walks over to me: 'Hey, what you readin' for?' Is that like the weirdest fucking question you've ever heard? Not what am I reading, but what am I reading ... for. 'Well, God damn it, you stumped me. Why do I read? Hm ... I guess I read for a lot of reasons, and the main one is ... so I don't end up being a fucking waffle waitress.' But then, this trucker in the next booth gets up, stands over me and goes: 'Well, looks like we got ourselves a reader.' What the fuck's going on here? It's not like I walked into a clan rally in a Boy George outfit, God damn it. It's a book!"
"Please quit yellin' that. It's not funny, it's not clever; it's stupid, it's repetitive. Why the fuck would you continue to yell that? I'm serious.
[Crowdmember yells out "Kevin Matthews]
Okay, Kevin Matthews. What does that mean now? [voice slowly rising] Now what does it mean? I understand where it comes from, so do you. Now what does it all mean? What is the culmination of yelling that?
[Crowdmember yells out "Jimmy Shorts"]
Jimmy Shorts. He's not here. He's not gonna be here, now what? Now where are we? [voice rises faster] We're here with you interrupting me again, you fucking idiot! That's ... you see where we're at? We're here at the same point again, where you, the fucking peon masses, can once again ruin anyone who tries to do anything because you don't know how to do it on your own! [shouting] That's where we're fuckin' at! Once again, the useless wastes of fucking flesh that has ruined everything good in the goddamn world! That's where we're at! [bellowing] Hitler had the right idea, he was just an underachiever! Kill 'em all, Adolf, all of 'em! Jew, Mexican, American, white, kill 'em all! Start over, the experiment didn't work!
[despairingly] Rain forty days, please fuckin' rain to wash these turds off my fucking life! Wash these human wastes of flesh and bone off this planet! I pray to you, God, to kill these fucking people!
[Crowdmember yells out "Freebird" again]
[utterly deflated] Freebird. [drops the mike]"
(The infamous tirade against a heckler repeatedly crying out "Freebird" in 1987)
