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Johnny Nose Makes It Big

CaptainWacky

CaptainWacky

I want to smell dark matter
Prologue

"I just thought...I don't know. They would be more...interesting," said Lisa. Christian sighed.

"We're making a documentary on the homeless," he said. "What do you want them to do? Put on a show? Do a dance routine?"

"I don't mean that," she snapped. "I just thought some of them would have more interesting backstories."

"Some were pretty interesting..." he said.

"But you get what I mean, right? It was like some of them were holding back."

"Maybe they just didn't want to give everything away to someone they don't know," he said. "We've only just started. We have to earn their trust. Get close to them."

Lisa made a face. "Close to them..."

"Oh come on! They don't all smell!"

"But obviously some of them well or your mind wouldn't have gone there."

"Yeah, well, you're a journalist. Aren't you? You want to get the stories? You have to be willing to make sacrifices...I don't know why I'm explaining this to you."

"I know, I know...we'll find some interesting angle. Look, is that one over there?" She pointed at a young man who was standing by a skip. He then started kicking the skip.

"He seems kind of violent," said Christian. "Yeah, he'd be interesting to interview. Come on!"

"What if he kicks me!" said Lisa.

"Look, he's just...what's he doing now?" He'd started doing push-ups on the ground.

"Err, could we have a word?" asked Lisa. The man jumped up.

"Why have you get a camera?" he asked. "You trying to film my BUM, you perverts? I know it's SEXY AS FUCK but I own it, okay! You have to pay me if you want to film my hot ass and then later masturbate over it."

Lisa and Christian both stared at him in silence for a moment. "No, I'm doing a feature on the homeless," said Lisa.

"OH, AND JUST BECAUSE I'M HANGING OUT BY A SKIP DOING PRESS-UPS YOU ASSUME I'M HOMELESS," shouted the man.

"Err...are you?" asked Lisa.

"Well, yes," he said. "I'm homeless as fuck. Don't have a home. Don't have a bed. Don't even have a carpet!"

"Would you like to speak to us?" Lisa asked, gently.

"Will I be on tv?" he asked.

"If you give us your permission, we may use portions of your interview in the finished feature, yes," she said.

"Oh boy!" he said. "Television! The big apple! Wait, no, that's New York. What's television? Ah, who cares. I'm going to make it big at last! So, what do you want to ask me? Details of the HORRORS I've witnessed out here? That time I ate a kitten?"

"Well, let's start with your name," she said.

"I'm Johnny Nose," he said. "AND I'M FUCKDAMN BACK!"

TO BE CONTINUED
 
"How did you end up on the streets?" asked Lisa. It was a bit blunt, Johnny thought. She should have built up to it more.

"I was disowned by the circus I ran away to join," said Johnny. The camera guy was looking at him oddly now. Could it be he recognised Johnny?

"I'm sorry, we'll take it slower," said Lisa. She wasn't bad looking, Johnny thought.

"Something for the Wank Bank!" he said. "Haven't had a new entry for a long time. Homeless girls...not attractive."

"Err, okay," said Lisa. Christian was trying to get her attention. Johnny saw Homeless Billy over by some bins.

"Hang on, I just have to go and borrow Homeless Billy's socks," said Johnny. "He owes me! I saved him from drowning twice. Be right back!" He ran off.

"It's him!" said Christian. "I thought he look familiar...it's really him!"

"Who?" asked Lisa. "You're not making sense..."

"Remember last year's Big Brother?"

"I don't watch that shite!" she said. She was an I'm A Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here girl.

"But you must remember the housemate who went nuts, right? Ended up running out of the house and diving off the stairs?" That did ring a bell.

"Okay, what about him? Wait...it can't be."

"It is! Watch!" He had a clip of Johnny's final night on his phone. It was clearly the same person.

"What happened to him after that?" she asked, starting to feel excited. It had been big news at the time. There had been calls for Big Brother to be axed. Instead it had done its highest ratings in years.

"His wikipedia page says he was held under the mental health act for a few weeks, but disappeared from the hospital after that. No one's seen him since..."

"And we've found him, here on the streets. Someone with his own wikipedia page!"

"Well, I mean, it's a shared page with all the other housemates from that year, but yeah...look at this message board. People still talk about him. There's a 'Where Is Johnny Nose!?' thread with 10,000 replies!"

"We have to play this cool," said Lisa, seriously. "Don't let him know we know who he is yet. Let's win his trust..."

"Then exploit him?" asked Christian, wearily.

"We can help him get his life on track...and make a great documentary about it," she said. Johnny came back over. He was holding a pair of socks.

"These will come in handy!" he said, putting them on his hands.

TO BE CONTINUED
 
"Do you need gloves?" asked Lisa. "I could buy you a pair."

"Hey, JOHNNY NOSE doesn't take charity! I'd have to pay you. How about some sex?"

"Uhh..."

"I mean, I give you sex, you give me gloves. I'm great at sex. I once had sex with a bacon sandwich!" Johnny smiled at the confusion on theif faces. He loved an audience.

"Is there somewhere we can go to talk?" asked Christian.

"Well, no," said Johnny. "I'm homeless, remember? Pretty insensitive of you!"

"S...sorry," said Christian.

"Ha, just kidding!" said Johnny. "There's a drop-in centre around here. They have tables and everything! Sometimes chairs! If the druggies haven't smashed them up to stab each other. Happens a lot. Don't know why any of them don't have a knife..."

"Okay, we'll go there," said Lisa. Johnny nodded and walked off at a fast rate. They had to hurry to keep up.

They saw Johnny high fiving people as he went in. Even people who didn't seem to want to be high fived.

"Okay, there's chairs in today," said Johnny, sitting down. "That's a relief!"

"So, let's start with some general background..." said Lisa.

"You want to know about Big Brother, don't you?" said Johnny. Lisa tried to feign surprise but couldn't do it. She just looked down embarrassed.

"How did you know?" asked Christian.

"I hear you playing the clip on your phone," said Johnny. "Recognised the boos, the gasps...how it all went silent when I hit the ground. Good times."

"You've been missing since then," said Lisa, leaning forward now. "A lot of people are worried about you."

"I don't want to talk about it yet," said Johnny. "Yeah, let's start with my early life...oh shit!" He dropped down under the table. A large man had just entered the drop in centre. He was looking around, angry.

"Where's Johnny Nose!" he said. "I'm going to cut him!"

TO BE CONTINUED
 
"Err, we don't know who that is," said Lisa. She was a terrible liar. The large man grunted.

"You'll know him when you meet him, the cunt," he said. "When you see him, tell him Gaz is going to cut him!" He stormed off. Johnny came out from under the table.

"Okay, we better go," he said and ran off. Lisa and Christian ran after him, out onto the street.

"Who was that guy?" asked Christian.

"Oh, just the guy who runs the drop-in centre," said Johnny.

"...he threatened to stab you," said Christian.

"Well, I did pee in all the soup!" said Johnny. "Anyway, I can give you guys a tour of the streets. See that doorstep over there? I slept there once! And that doorstep over there that smells of urine? I urinated there once!"

"Is there somewhere else we can talk?" asked Lisa, growing board of Johnny's games.

"Watch out for that heroin needle!" said Johnny, ignoring her.

"That's a crisp packet," said Lisa.

"That's what the druggies do!" said Johnny. "They disguise their heroin needles as crisp packets and such! The bastards!"

"Please, Johnny, we want to help you," said Christian.

"You just want to talk to me because I was on Big Brother," sighed Johnny. "You don't even care about the homeless, man. They don't have homes!"

"We came here to speak to the homeless!" said Lisa. "We didn't even know about you! We care!"

"Well you should talk to other people than just me," said Johnny. "Like that girl over there with the short skirt and well toned legs..."

"She doesn't look homeless," said Lisa. "She has a cell phone."

"Yeah, but you should talk to her anyway. She's hot!"

"Why was that Gaz guy really angry at you?" asked Christian.

"Ah, you're smart," said Johnny. "You could tell I was lying. Was it from watching me on Big Brother? Were you a big fan? Okay, I'll tell you two everything. The whole stupid story. Let's go to the bus shelter. I like it there. It has a shelter."

TO BE CONTINUED
 
"Oh look, old Maggie's at the bus shelter. She's crazy! Tells me all kind of stories about World War 2. She wasn't even born then, she just likes history. His old Maggie!" The woman at the bus shelter, who really could have been anything from forty to sixty years old given how rough she looked, didn't even look up at Johnny.

"She seems unwell," said Christian, concerned.

"I don't think she knows who you are, Johnny," said Lisa, less sympathetically.

"Nonsense! She's just pretending to be asleep. She does that sometimes. One time she did it in the gutter over there. It was pouring of rain and everything! How I laughed from the shelter of this bus shelter. Then the bus nearly drove over her! We laughed for days over that one, right, Maggie?"

"Rrrr-ugh," she said. Johnny slapped her on the back.

"See, she's fine!"

Maggie threw up on Lisa's shoes.

"My shoes! They were expensive!"

"You wore expensive shoes when you were making a documentary about the homeless?" said Johnny. "NOW who's crazy! MEEP MEEP!"

"He's got a point," said Christian.

"I don't care! I don't care anymore! I'm sick of you dicking us around! Just tell us about Big Brother! This is your last chance to ever appear on tv!"

"I want to be on tv," said old Maggie.

"No one's interested in you!" said Lisa. Old Maggie started crying. Both Johnny and Christian stared at Lisa in disbelief.

"Just...calm down," said Christian at last.

"I'm just trying to have some fun," said Johnny. "I don't have much in my life, you know. Can't even afford a McDonald's. I used to love them. I don't care how unhealthy they are...just want to eat a fuckdamn Big Mac again. But I can't. My life's a shambles. People want to cut me. My only friends are crazy old women who sleep in their own sick some nights. So sorry for being silly. Sorry for trying to have some fun with the only two people to pay attention to me in months."

"I...I don't know what to say," said Lisa. "I'm sorry."

"It's okay," said Johnny. "Now let's go to the zoo and scare the penguins!"

"Really?" asked Christian, sounding kind of excited.

"No, of course not," said Johnny, taking a seat under the bus shelter. "Let's talk about Big Brother and the end of my life."

Lisa and Christian prepared to hear his story...then a voice shouted over.

"HEY, JOHNNY, HOW'S IT GOING!" It was a man about Johnny's age. Johnny tried to hide his face.

"Who are you?" asked Lisa as the man came over.

"Me? I'm Johnny's flat mate!" he said

TO BE CONTINUED
 
"His...what?" asked Christian, dumbfounded. Lisa looked the same way. Then she started to look angry...

"He's joking, he's joking!" said Johnny. "He means he's my flat mate because...he's flat chested! No breasts at all! Not like you, Lisa! HONK HONK!" He did't actaully grab her breasts when he made the honk honk sound, at least. Johnny had learned some things from past mistakes.

"Johnny, who are these poor people and what lies have you told them?" sighed the flat mate.

"You let us think you were homeless..." started Lisa.

"I never actually said I was homeless!" said Johnny.

"Pretty sure you did," said Christian.

"Oh, he likes to do that," said the flat mate. "Hang out with the homeless people, pretend to be one of them...sometimes he begs. He got banned from the drop-in centre down the road too. He's nuts."

"HEY, I'M NOT NUTS, I'M JUST TROUBLED," said Johnny. "Let's go up to my flat-chested friend's flat and I'll explain everything. Going back to the VERY beginning. And, by that, I mean the Big Bang."

"Why THE FUCK should we listen to anything else you have to say, after all the bullshit we've had to put up with?" asked Lisa. "You're just a sad little man wanting attention."

"I'm...I'm not little," said Johnny. For the first time he looked almost tired. Drained.

"Look, he's still been missing for a year," said Christian. "People will still want to know what happened to him after Big Brother."

"Even I don't know all of it," said the flat mate. "He turned up at my place about three months ago."

"SEE!" said Johnny. "There's mysteries! I had to prostitute myself on the streets for months! I didn't even get paid! It was just me having sex with strangers. On the streets. I should have asked for money, really..."

"We give him ten fucking minutes," said Lisa. "But if he just starts another stupid story...like that one right there, we're leaving."

"My name's Greg," said Greg. "I live just over here..."

"Are you leaving, Johnny?" asked Old Maggie, who was still sitting at the bus stop. Johnny took her hand.

"I'll come and see you again tomorrow, grandmother," he said. Lisa and Christian looked confused.

"She thinks I'm her grandson," he explained. "It helps her get through the day if I let her believe it."

"What?" said Old Maggie. "No I don't! You little shit! My grandson's Daniel Radcliffe! Piss off!"

TO BE CONTINUED
 
They went up to Greg's apartment.

"It's pretty nice," said Christian, looking around. "Bit small..."

"One bedroom," sighed Greg. "Johnny sleeps on the couch. Most nights."

"Some night we have sleepovers!" said Johnny.

"I don't...even want to know what that means," said Lisa. "Look, Johnny, you need to start telling the truth now. You need to tell us your story if you want us to put you on tv."

"I don't need you," scoffed Johnny. "You need me. I'm the most interesting thing you've found in your career, I reckon. I'm also the most interesting person you'll ever meet, but that's true of anyone who's ever met me. Unless they've also met Mister T, of course."

"No, I think you're the one who needs us," said Lisa, pressing the issue. "When you saw our camera you got excited. You started making up lies about being homeless just so we'd talk to you. I think you love the attention. You love the idea of being on tv again. But maybe you're scared. After what happened to you on Big Brother, I don't blame you.."

"I'm not stupid, you know," said Johnny. "Insane, yes. Addicted to masturbation, sure. But stupid? MEEP MEEP! I mean, no. I'm not. Sorry, what did you say again? Oh, right. You were trying to use reverse psychology. It was pathetic. But yeah, of course I want to be on tv again. I'm Johnny The Fuck Nose. I belong on tv. I could even get on Celebrity Big Brother if I got famous again! Yeah, I'll tell my story. Sit down, it's a long one."

"You kind of need to sit down too then so you're level with the camera," said Christian.

"Ha!" Said Johnny. "You and your dedication to your craft!"

"Anyone want a cup of tea?" asked Greg. Everyone shook their heads. He went to make one for himself.

"Good guy, Greg," said Johnny, seriously. "I knew him long before I was on Big Brother. Back when I was just a regular crazy person. Me, him, Wheelchair Claire, we used to hang out all the time. Well, until both of them sorted their lives out and dumped me, that is. But he still remembered me, all those years later, when a chance meeting led him to invite me to stay here...but I'm getting ahead of myself."

"Just start with what happened after Big Brother," said Lisa.

"Well I woke up in hospital," said Johnny. "Mental health ward...I could tell right away. I've been in enough of them before. They hadn't given me anything. Any drugs, that is. I remember that pretty clearly. I think they knew I'd nearly overdosed in the house. And drank a lot of alcohol. So here I was, most of the good stuff leaving my system...they were some dark days. I remembered the things I did on Big Brother, the things I did to HER...it was the most depressed I've ever been. My family came to see me, I just sat there pretending to be catatonic. Or maybe I wasn't pretending, I don't know. It was a strange time. I was ready to give up...until I heard a nurse talking. She was saying she'd voted to evict me on Big Brother. Can you believe that?"

"It was vote to save," said Christian. "I watched."

"Well, okay, she'd voted to save someone else so I'd be evicted," said Johnny. "Well spotted, Christian. And something snapped insinde of me. Suddenly...I knew my work wasn't done."

"And what work was that?" asked Lisa.

"Simple," he said, smiling. "The work of Johnny Nose. It was time to break out."

TO BE CONTINUED
 
"I let them think I was getting better. It's a trick I've developed over the years. I can fake being normal for small stretches of time. They let their guard time. Left me alone for too long. I ran. Went out a door and ran."

"That's it? That was your big escape?" asked Lisa.

"Sorry it wasn't more exciting," said Johnny.

"Surely you had...have a family who were looking for you?" asked Christian.

"They never got me," said Johnny, bitterly. "They came to visit me at the hospital and they just talked about getting me 'better.'. Of curing me of being Johnny Nose. Johnny Nose is the best me I can be! Yeah, I'm sure they looked for me...but they probably gave up eventually. I'm an adult. I've survived without them before. And Greg knows if he ever tries to contact them, I'll run again. Isn't that right?"

"Sure," said Greg, bringing the tea in.

"So where were you between the hospital and here?" asked Lisa.

"I actually did sleep rough sometimes," said Johnny. "Then I slept in a church. They'll let you do that you know, churches. Then I...I...God this is boring."

"Huh?" asked Christian.

"I'm...I'm supposed to be Johnny Nose," he said, standing up. "But what have I done for the last year? Nothing. Blundered from one place to the next. Got banned from a drop-in centre, sure. That's about it. I haven't even humiliated any girls! What kind of a Johnny Nose have I been!"

"But we need specifics of your life on the streets, how you ended up here..." said Lisa. "Come on, give us something!"

"So people can laugh at my sad tale? So people can look at how old and tired Johnny Nose has gotten? No. You're going to give me my own reality show where you film me exposing myself to the public or I say no more."

"Err...exposing yourself?" asked Christian.

"I don't mean my cock, I mean my personality. Showing them how boring their lives are compared to mine. Showing them how they're all living a lie. Spreading the word of Johnny Nose, you know..."

"OH GIVE IT A REST," said Lisa, finally snapping. "You're not that intersting. Okay, you maybe have some mild autism, maybe some other problems. But mostly...you just can't face life. You pretend to be crazy and different, but you're really not. You pretend you see some truth that none of the rest of us do...the truth is it's the other way around. It's the rest of us who see how life really is and you who can't accept it. You make up stupid lies, come up with crazy stunts for attention...but you've even started failing at that too. We're done here. Turn the camera off, Christian."

Everyone sat in silence for a moment.

"Come on, that was a bit harsh," said Greg at last.

"Oh don't pretend you don't want him out of your home as quickly as possible," said Lisa. "Look, I'm sorry you've had a hard life and I do think you need some professional help...but we're not putting you on tv. That won't be any good for us and it won't be any good for you."

Johnny was still sitting in silence.

"I'm sorry," Christian said to him.

"I do have more propsal," said Johnny, suddenly. "Another idea for a tv show. How about you film...Johnny Nose's suicide."

TO BE CONCLUDED
 
Johnny was marching down the street towards the drop-in centre. Lisa followed as quickly as she could, while Christian filmed them. Greg ran up to Johnny.

"Look, I know you're not really going to kill yourself, but don't do what I think you're about to do," he said.

"You can't possibly know the mind of Johnny Nose, maaaaan!" said Johnny.

"You're going to challenge Gaz to a fight," said Greg.

"Well, yeah," said Johnny. "And Christian will film my death..."

"Oh come on," said Christian.

"No, let's see where he's going with this," said Lisa. "Really, I'm intrigued."

Johnny entered the drop-in centre. "OWW, GAZ!" he shouted right away. "Got any soup? BECAUSE I NEED TO PEE AGAIN, FUCKNOSE!"

"YOU!" said Gaz, barging by and grabbing Johnny. "You stupid fucking shit! Do you have any idea what you did?"

"Umm, yeah, I peed in some soup then some homeless jabronis drank it and got sick," laughed Johnny. "My only regret is that I didn't take a shit in it too. Now do your worst, you fat fuck!" He wasn't even fat.

"I should fuck tear you apart," said Gaz.

"Let the hate flow through you," said Johnny. "Like how my piss flowed down those homeless scum throats! Hahaha, you stupid fucks don't have nowhere to live! HERP DERP, I LOST MY HOUSE!"

"RRRRRRRRR!" said Gaz, pushing Johnny hard against the wall.

"No, stop this!" said Christian. "Can't you see this man is mentally ill!"

"He's just a cunt!" said Gaz. "He needs a good kicking! And why are you filming this anyway!"

"Documentary," said Lisa, shrugging. "Not sure what it's even about anymore, but..."

"CUT ME, SLICE ME, DICE ME, MAKE ME BLEED!" said Johnny, a mad look in his eyes. Madder than usual.

"I'll call the police!" said Christian.

"They don't respond to Johnny calls anymore," said Greg.

"Someone should do something!" said Christian.

"He's not going to hurt him," said Lisa.

"I fucking should," said Gaz, loosening his grip.

"You run a homeless drop-in centre," said Lisa. "You're probably not the kind of person who stabs idiots. Certainly not on camera."

"Damn it!" said Johnny. "FOILED AGAIN!"

"Well...good," said Christian. "Now can we all talk about what just happened..."

"OH SHUT UP," said Johnny, directly to Christian. Everyone was slightly shocked by just how real it had sounded.

"Excuse me?" said Christian. "I'm the only one here trying to help you!"

"And that's your first mistake!" said Johnny. "I can't be helped! Hasn't it sunk in yet? I'm not fucking normal, but I'm not fucking mentally ill either. They've tried to put me on medication so many times, but I always end up back like this. Why? Because I'm Johnny THE FUCK Nose! I'm uniqe in the fucking universe! You can't change me! You can't save me. All you do is enable me, you dumb bastard! Lisa, I respect her a lot more than you. At least she speaks the truth. She's right about me! Gaz is right about me! Greg's too nice to say it, but he knows it too. Did you think I could be redeemed? That you and Lisa would do a nice, happy documentary about me getting my life back together after my Big Brother meltdown? WAKE UP AND SMELL THE PISS SOUP! It's not going to happen! I'm not meant for this world! I'm out of phase! Out of step. I'll never, ever, EVER fucking change. The only change is death...but no, Lisa's right again. Right and hot. Of course Gaz was never going to slice my guts open. I just wanted to show you what I am. I just wanted you to finally understand."

There was a long silence. "I...I guess I finally do," said Christian, sadly. "I guess there's nothing you can do for me."

"You could still put me on tv," said Johnny. "Edit everything you've filmed into...into something. Let the world know I'm still out there. You could do that...but only that. Because I can't stick around here now. My cover's blown. It's time to go be Johnny Nose somewhere else."

"I don't know what we could even make of the footage we have," said Lisa.

"Well, it's your problem, sweet tits, I'm out of here," said Johnny, skipping outside. "GOODBYE, LOSERS. If you ever want someone to come over and jizz in your hair, just give me a call!"

"He'll end up back at the flat later," said Greg, not concerned. "He's said stuff like this before."

"He seemed to mean it," said Lisa. "He...he was strange."

"Yeah," said Christian, obviously still hurt by what Johnny had said. "He was something."

"Look, Christian," said Lisa, "don't be too upset by what he said. I...I like that you care about people. That you'd try to help someone like Johnny Nose, someone who doesn't even deserve it. Don't let him tell you that's a bad thing. It's not. It's not bad to care."

"I care about you," said Christian.

"Yeah, let's just end it there," said Lisa. "Well, until we go back to the hotel and shag like we do every night."

"Yeah, probably for the best," said Christian.

"Maybe...maybe you can teach me how to care," said Lisa. "I mean, if I'm going to be interviewing people it would probably help."

"And we can talk about our relationship along the way," said Christian.

"Let's not go nuts," said Lisa.

EPILOGUE

Claire wheeled herself down the street. It was a beauitful day. The sun was shining, birds were singing...and a grown man had just jumped into her lap.

"HI WHEELCHAIR CLAIRE," he said.

"JOHNNY!?" she asked, shocked. It had been years.

"Turns out I'm a horrible person who can never be saved," he said. "But it also turns out I need a lift somewhere. Don't know where yet. So...wheel on, bitch!"

THE END
 
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