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Johnny Nose's Funeral

CaptainWacky

I want to smell dark matter
PROLOGUE

Claire hadn't really wanted to go to the funeral. She wasn't a fan of funerals in general, and she hadn't known her great uncle very well. She didn't think her mother had ever been very close to him either, but she always attended the funerals of relatives and she'd asked Claire to come along. So here she was, sitting in her wheelchair at the end of the aisle, while someone she didn't know talked about a dead old man she hadn't known. She didn't want to yawn. He'd been a person, he deserved respect. But...she was bored. So bored...

"What's everyone looking so sad for?" came a voice. A voice out of her past. An impossible voice. He was locked up somewhere, he couldn't be here, it couldn't be him. And yet...

"Johnny Nose," she whispered to herself. She turned her head. He was walking down the aisle of the funeral home, staggering. She tried to look up at his face but he was swaying so badly that it was hard. He had a bottle of vodka in one hand. He paused for a moment near her. She almost didn't want to look now, but she met his eyes. He looked so much older than before. So rough. So haunted. And yet...she almost started laughing. Johnny Fucking Nose.

"What is this, a funeral?" he asked, then took a swig of vodka.
 
Johnny stood next to the coffin with his vodka, grinning madly. Claire heard whispers from people sitting around her, but nobody got up. Were they scared of him? Of Johnny Nose? She didn't see how it was possible. Sure, he was mental. He used to throw himself in front of cars. Insult people until they beat him up. He'd even jumped out her bedroom window once and landed face first on concrete. But he'd never actually harm anyone else. She knew that anyway, but looking at him now...yeah, she got it. He looked terrifying. He wasn't the Johnny she'd once known.

"You all must remember me from my appearance on Big Brother," said Johnny. "Or maybe from that documentary Channel 4 made about me a year later when I was homeless. THEY EDITED OUT ALL THE BEST PARTS. Well they locked me up in a mental hospital with all the other loonies for a while, and it looked like old Johnny Nose was dead. But one day I decided fuck it, time for one last ride, so I threw a water cooler through the window and ran off into the forest to freedom! And it just happened that I wondered into this funeral where my old friend Claire was burying her dead brother or something!"

"How did he find you?" Claire's mother whispered to her. "Have you been talking to him?"

"No!" said Claire. It had been eighteen months since she'd last had any contact with Johnny Nose. "Social media, mum. Anyone can find anyone."

"Speak up so the rest of the class can hear!" said Johnny, swinging his vodka bottle dangerously. "And nobody think of making a move or else I'll smash this bottle and glass my own neck. That's right, MY VERY NECK!"

"I need the police," Claire heard someone behind her say into their phone. That's how it always ended with Johnny. The police would show up or he'd get bored and jump off of or in front of something.

"And don't even think of calling the police!" said Johnny. "I've got bombs for feet! And I'm gay! So if you call the police, that's homophobia and also I'll explode!"

"Johnny, what are you doing here?" asked Claire. Despite how he looked, despite the fact that he was either drunk or pretending to be drunk...he was still the same Johnny Nose.

"It's my funeral, Wheels!" he said. If he still had any affection for her he did not show it. "I had a dream like this. Well, not exactly like this. But when I found out you were at a funeral...it was perfect. I've been stalking you for days waiting for the chance to make my move. This is perfect. It's MY funeral now, the death of Johnny Nose..."

"It's my uncle's funeral, show some respect!" said Claire's mum. Claire sighed. That wouldn't work on Johnny Nose.

"It's mine now," said Johnny. "And it's appropriate, really, that this is a family affair. So many of your relatives here. For, you see, they are soon to be my relatives too..."

"What are you talking about...no," said Claire. "Johnny, shut up now..."

"Claire," said Johnny, going down on his knee. "Will you marry me?" He took a big drink of vodka without waiting for a response.
 
"Look, this has gone on long enough," said another of the funeral goers. One of Claire's mum's cousins. He stood up and Johnny waved the vodka bottle.

"I'll fuckdamn do it, don't doubt me," said Johnny, sounding pretty scary.

"Just...just sit down," said Claire's mum. It was somewhat of a surprise, but then she had dealt with Johnny before. "The police will be here soon."

"Listen, Claire," said Johnny, pleading with her now. "I had a dream. That's the real reason I broke out of the mental hospital, okay? I dreamed of me and you. We...were together. In bed. Not in a dirty way! Nothing...nothing sexy...we were just...hahahaha...we were just watching tv together in bed. My old bed, from my favourite house. The one I enjoyed living in the most back when I was...well, not normal but at least I had hope. So we're in my bed, in my bedroom and it was so real. We were watching Buffy! You like Buffy! I remember that about you. I do too. We were watching it and we were happy, Claire, we were happy and normal. I didn't want to wake up. I could actually feel myself waking and I tried to fight it. You were so nice to me in that dream and I know I don't deserve it but...I broke out to find you, to make the dream a reality somehow. Please, love me. We could make it..."

"Oh, this is just getting pathetic now!" said the angry cousin. Johnny smashed the vodka bottle against the coffin to gasps. He seemed to have even surprised himself, but he held a large shard of broken glass to his throat.

"Marry me or I kill myself," he said. "KILLETH MINESELF."

"No," said Claire. She was scared, she actually was, but she wasn't going to say yes, she wasn't going to let him win. Obviously even if she did say yes it would mean nothing because the police would be here to arrest him any minute, but she's rolled over for him too many times in the past. She didn't believe he'd kill himself, not really. And yet...she saw her hands shaking. "Just put it down, Johnny."

"I'll put it down...my throat!" said Johnny. "Or up my throat. I'll stab myself in the throat, okay? That's what I'm saying. PRICKNOSES."

"You can't keep doing this, Johnny," said Claire. "You were getting help..."

"You dont know what it was like in that place," said Johnny. "I wasn't me. I really really wasn't me. There was a girl...she had hair...I don't remember the details. She ruined me. She didn't even try. She made me so what I am. I dropped Johnny Nose completely. And you might think that was heatlhy but there was nothing left. I am Johnny Nose and Johnny Nose is me. I have to be me...but maybe if I'm in bed with you watching Buffy I can be a Johnny Nose who isn't so bad, who doesn't have to ruin funerals...consider it!"

"No," she said. "I won't. I have a girlfriend, Johnny. Did you even think of that was a possibility? Did even consider that I might have other stuff going on in my life and not be able to run off and marry you to make things better?"

"Oh, I forgot about you being a wheelchair lesbian," admitted Johnny. "But I can convert you! Like that episode of Sherlock where he converted Irene Adler from a lesbian to a straight being. And tumblr loves that stupid show! What I'm saying is...FUCKING MARRY ME YOU WHORE."

"No," she said. "You know it's not going to happen. You're not mad. You're...you're Johnny Nose. You're not normal, but you're not stupid. You understand the nature of reality, you just don't like it."

He thought about this for a moment. "That's brilliant!" he said. "See, you understand me! You..." He stopped and smiled at something. Claire looked round. That was a policeman at the door.

"About time," said the cousin.

"Yes," said Johnny. "It's showtime."
 
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"You want to come with us, son," said the cop.

"BAD COPS, BAD COPS, EATING LOTS OF POO, EATING LOTS OF POO BECAUSE THEY CAN'T EAT YOU," sang Johnny. He was holding the sharp shard of glass close to his throat now, almost pressing it in. Claire noticed some of the funeral goes in the back rows sneaking out as the cop walked slowly towards Johnny. They probably didn't care if Johnny tried to kill himself or not.

"We've been in touch with the hospital, they'll take you back, you won't be in any trouble as long as you don't do anything..." the cop stopped, searching for the right word.

"CRAZY?" said Johnny. "Bit late for that, officer! BWAHAHAHA! WIBBLE! Nah, STOP RIGHT THERE. I don't care who else leaves, but Claire and her mum stay and you don't come any closer, officer. I fucking mean it. I'm ready to die." He said it so matter of factly that Claire shivered.

"Okay," said the cop. "Just...just try to remain calm. We've called your family, they'll be here..."

"Do you think I want them to see me like this?" asked Johnny. "Do you think I want anyone I care about to see me..."

"Gee, thanks," said Claire. She regretted it. Johnny looked more broken than she'd ever seen him. She could see the shard was digging into his throat, there was a little blood already.

"Yeah...I guess this is it," said Johnny, to himself. "Should have been nicer to the girl with the hair..."

"Oh stop being so fucking selfish!" said Claire's mum. Claire was shocked. She'd hardly ever heard her mum swear. "You have no idea the effect you have on other people because you're so fucking selfish!"

"You..." said Johnny, looking up. He let the hand holding the shard drop a little as he listened, interested again.

"Look, mum, I'm fine..." said Claire.

"I'm not just talking about you, Claire," said her mum. "I'm talking about me. Do you know how many times I had to clean up after you? Literally and figuratively? You nearly ruined my daughter's life countless times and you never once stopped to think about it. Do you know how many times I've had to talk to you police about you? You're not even my son, you're not even anyone to me! You probably never give me a second thought, but now you're hearding at my uncle's funeral and I'll never be able to think about him again without thinking about YOU! Well it's not all about you, Johnny! Reality isn't your fucking plaything! You're not special, you don't have it worse than anyone else, so either stop hurting other people or FUCK OFF."

"Wow," said Johnny. He dropped the shard to the floor. The cop grabbed him quickly. He dragged Johnny out. Johnny looked down at Claire as he was pulled by her. "I'm sorry?" he mouthed, as if he wasn't sure if he was just realising it for the first time.

"I think we've seen the last of him," said Claire, after a long moment. Her mum was crying. They didn't say anything else after that. They just held hands.
 
"So yeah that was days ago. Weeks. Hard to remember now. And look, I knew, okay? I knew all along that Claire wasn't going to marry me. I just used the dream as an excuse, to motivate me to get out of bed and escape this hellhole. I even lied to myself about the dream. Sure it started with me and Claire in bed watching Buffy, and it was nice and warm for a moment or two, but then I rolled over and Keira Knightley was in bed too. Then Claire started eating her wheelchair. Then we were falling through space and Keira transformed into Optimus Prime and I started sucking his metal dick. So yeah, I edited most of it out of my brain and never told Claire the truth. It didn't matter. I knew it was a lie. I knew she wasn't going to marry me. I just...I wanted to get out of here. It had something. Maybe when I was out something would happen to change my life. It used to. I used to get out of things. Now though...I don't think I'm ever getting out of here.

It was Jonny Nose's funeral. Not Claire's great uncle, no matter what her mum said. Johnny Nose was much more important than him. Johnny Fucking Nose. Johnny Nose fucking burned bright. But he's dead. He was already dead before the funeral. Well, thats how funerals work. He's gone. At least he got a send-off. At least some more people witnessed him one last time. Maybe the legend will spread again. They don't let me on the internet here, they won't even let me have my 3DS in case I get online with it. I want to visit my Animal Crossing town so badly and they won't let me! But maybe, somewhere, someone is talking about Johnny Nose. Maybe...

Probably not though.

So this is it then. Writing all this down on a notepad, running out of space. Actually they took my notepad away after I kept throwing it at nurses. I'm not writing this anywhere. I'm just speaking it aloud, to the wall. On New Year's Eve. Oh, they said I could go to the common area, just because it was New Year's Eve. But I like it here, alone. I'm not a person anymore. The only person I ever was died and had a funeral. This is me now. Just talking to the wall forever. Goodbye. It's over. The end."

THE END
 
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