Sadistic Bastard
No Mercy
Judgement:
I had, in a way, been looking forward to these events with some curiosity. I had some vague ideas about this time for most of my life, I was hoping that I'd fly like one sometimes does in dreams. I'd imagined light, and warmth, and I was eager to ask a LOT of questions, or just have understanding placed in my brain. I had not imagined this.
The creature could have auditioned for the part of "Gollum's more repulsive brother" and won the part by walking through the door. The voice was normal enough, but the rest of the figure was a caricature of something vaguely human. It was going to be difficult to respect him with the authority he was claiming.
"I'm your judge, the angel who will weigh your life's deeds," he said with a chuckle that ended in a nasal snort.
"Am I in the right place?" I asked him.
"Of course you are, everyone with about 3 exceptions starts in hell, how can you be 'saved' from heaven?" it looked at me with another dismissive snort.
"You're not what I expected in an angel." I commented, trying to buy time to compose a summary of why I should be in heaven. I had thought this process would be automatic.
"Your expectations don't matter, you're dead. Besides, I'm a fallen angel. The non-fallen don't have a physical form."
"So you are a demon?" I asked.
"No, I'm a fallen angel. Who else can better judge the fallen than the fallen?" he replied, drawing out a file from nowhere...like some invisible mail-slot.
"Am I fallen then?" I asked him...it...whatever.
"All humanity is fallen. Since Adam was given dominion of the earth and creature. His job was to eat, fuck, reproduce, name the critters, and amuse God, and then screwed it up by violating the ONLY rule he was given." Again the angel snorted. He seemed to do that a lot.
"But we were given free-will, wasn't the fall necessary to sort of activate that?"
"You can ask God that, IF you aren't dammed of course, I don't know. All I know is that the reason I'm here is because of you. Given a soul, free-will, all that crap as a human, and we cherubim are stuck singing and praising 24-7 like living organ pipes. It's your creation that pissed us off to begin with, Lucifer just was the spark that set us off. So fuck you and your free will." The angel gave me a long, calculating look. "At least it gives me a crack at almost all of you for screwing me out of an eternity in Heaven."
"So, if you are my judge and you hate humanity...you're biased. How does this work?"
The angel gave me a very unpleasant grin.
"Hey, it's hell, no one said we were 'fair' down here."
I looked at the fallen angel. The initial repulsion was still there, but there was something that I could latch on to. It was the eyes. Over-sized for human proportion, but they were a dark brown, pretty almost. Behind them, however, was something. Calculating or nervous, I wasn't sure.
"You don't have any authority over me. I'm Christian, I've been saved." I said levelly.
The angel opened the file. "Yep, I see here you were baptized...twice...covered all of the bases. Done in the Catholic church, sprinkling, and a full immersion by the Baptists...but wait. You were never Confirmed?"
"No, but I did profess faith when I was baptized the second time" I commented. "I tithed, usually, went to church, even talked about religion to my friends. And that year of pre-seminary studies. I'm saved...you have no power over me." I leaned forward. I had a good foot of height over the angel, and I tried to use it.
It laughed. "Oh, right, and like YOU know the process here?! Look around, one act of faith and you expect to be ushered through the pearly gates. Or is it the Catholic version? Or what if I'm an agent of Allah? Or I'm a Hindu Avatar? Or an animal spirit? What if Baahl is God? Or the Great God of the Atlantians? What if you got it wrong your entire life? Mmmm?" the angle snorted again.
"That's rich, ok, you want to be judged as a Christian, how about that verse that always bothered you so much? The one where Jesus looks at the ones who professed to believe and then said 'I never knew you'. Mmmm?" The angle pulled a bible out of thin air.
"Which edition do you want to use, an NIV? King James? I've got the original Epistles of Paul here somewhere...do you read greek?" I rocked back, this ploy wasn't going to work.
It opened the file. "Yes...saved...studied...you should know your sins better than the average person of your day and age. Lots of lust here...oh, and that whole perverted sex thing...and what do we have here? Oh...you encouraged your wife's bisexuality by not protesting about her lovers...mmm...allowing others under your authority to sin too? And the threesomes and foursomes...yes...you were a busy boy, weren't you? Hell, I've got enough here to damm you on the spot just for Lust." The angel looked back up at me, his eyes were almost glowing. He handed me the Bible.
"Ok, scholar, start quoting something that says I can't damm you. Notice that good ol' JC isn't here right now".
I needed time...stall...think....
"How often have you done this?" I asked the angel.
"I am a judge...THE judge...I've dammed billions." the angel said...there was a tone in that statement. His...it's...voice had gone flat at that.
"How do I know you are telling the truth?" I asked it.
The angel looked agog at me.
"Truth?!?!? Telling you the Truth?" , it snorted again.
"Truth...mine or yours? I will judge you from that, " he pointed at the Bible, "because you think that is the truth. Angels are like humans, dead man, we don't know the Truth...we only have what truths we believe in."
"The Truth is a Three Edged Sword" I said to him.
"Yeah, I watched that show too...my version, your version, and the facts." The angel seemed to relax a little.
"I have the facts. All of them. Right here. All of your 'free will' decisions. The good, the bad, the cowardly. Actually..." it made a motion (the angel seemed to slide in and out of gender and genderlessness) and the file disappeared in a puff of smoke that smelled vaguely of sulphur, "I have your life right here." it tapped the side of it's head.
"You've had billions of people's lives in your head...no wonder it bothers you to damm them" I said.
It snorted.
"I don't know the truth of this place, I don't know what it's like to be dead. I know what I expected..."
"Your expectations don't mean shit here," the angel cut me off with. "Sometimes, people are just Wrong, they only find that out later. Billions thought the Earth was flat, and later they were proven Wrong. You think that matter and energy are interchangeable according to E=MC2...guess what...you're wrong, but humanity won't figure that out for awhile. And most importantly to YOU right now, you expected something else to happen when you died, well you are just wrong." It sighed.
"I use your own standards of truth to judge you...but that doesn't mean those standards are not wrong. Your version of the Truth is the only measure I can use that self-adjusts to each person I judge" It sat back, looking at me intently.
"What if I just reject that truth, what if I just say that I don't believe that you have this authority over me?" I tell him. It smiled unpleasantly at me.
"A fish on a hook, drawn out of the water, wants to reject that it can't breath in the air. But it dies anyway," the angel said, folding it's over-sized, out of proportion hands. "Face it, dead man, you are mine, condemned by your own beliefs, by the standards of morality and behavior that YOU choose to believe in. You damm yourself. I am merely the facilitator."
"What if I don't feel I should be dammed?" I asked.
"That doesn't matter" it said to me...again in that flat tone.
"I don't believe you," I told it. "I believe that I sinned, but that I learned from the pain I caused myself and others...and even the pain that God is supposedly feeling when I reject Him." The angel snorted, but then seemed to grow taller...
"I believe that Hell is being static...and I reject hell because I spent my life growing and learning, and I refuse to take all of that experience and throw it away!" I said, raising my voice as the angel was now taller than I was, his skin was darkening as he grew, and his hands were growing larger in proportion to his body...his nails were lengthening into claws.
"I am dead...but I have more to do than regret my LIFE for the rest of Time!" I shouted this last as the Angel, dark black skin shot through with fire-red veins loomed over me, it's expression unreadable. Menace oozed from his body...but not from his face.
"Yes, I hurt myself, I hurt others, I ran, I lied...but I also evolved. Pain teach us, and before I died...others loved me. And I loved them."
"NOT ENOUGH," It said to me...thunder in it's tone.
"But...I Also Learned to Love myself!" I said. I knew it then. In that moment, I knew that I had been worthwhile, that I was more than instinct and blind, unfulfilled need. When I said that I loved myself...I really knew that was Truth. Every lover, every person touched...my friends. They had seen it, seen facets of it. What they loved, I suddenly embraced...and added my Life to it...the places in my head, good and bad. And I accepted it and loved it all. I loved my life. And I loved me.
It Reached toward me.
And I flew....upward....as I used to in dreams....
I had, in a way, been looking forward to these events with some curiosity. I had some vague ideas about this time for most of my life, I was hoping that I'd fly like one sometimes does in dreams. I'd imagined light, and warmth, and I was eager to ask a LOT of questions, or just have understanding placed in my brain. I had not imagined this.
The creature could have auditioned for the part of "Gollum's more repulsive brother" and won the part by walking through the door. The voice was normal enough, but the rest of the figure was a caricature of something vaguely human. It was going to be difficult to respect him with the authority he was claiming.
"I'm your judge, the angel who will weigh your life's deeds," he said with a chuckle that ended in a nasal snort.
"Am I in the right place?" I asked him.
"Of course you are, everyone with about 3 exceptions starts in hell, how can you be 'saved' from heaven?" it looked at me with another dismissive snort.
"You're not what I expected in an angel." I commented, trying to buy time to compose a summary of why I should be in heaven. I had thought this process would be automatic.
"Your expectations don't matter, you're dead. Besides, I'm a fallen angel. The non-fallen don't have a physical form."
"So you are a demon?" I asked.
"No, I'm a fallen angel. Who else can better judge the fallen than the fallen?" he replied, drawing out a file from nowhere...like some invisible mail-slot.
"Am I fallen then?" I asked him...it...whatever.
"All humanity is fallen. Since Adam was given dominion of the earth and creature. His job was to eat, fuck, reproduce, name the critters, and amuse God, and then screwed it up by violating the ONLY rule he was given." Again the angel snorted. He seemed to do that a lot.
"But we were given free-will, wasn't the fall necessary to sort of activate that?"
"You can ask God that, IF you aren't dammed of course, I don't know. All I know is that the reason I'm here is because of you. Given a soul, free-will, all that crap as a human, and we cherubim are stuck singing and praising 24-7 like living organ pipes. It's your creation that pissed us off to begin with, Lucifer just was the spark that set us off. So fuck you and your free will." The angel gave me a long, calculating look. "At least it gives me a crack at almost all of you for screwing me out of an eternity in Heaven."
"So, if you are my judge and you hate humanity...you're biased. How does this work?"
The angel gave me a very unpleasant grin.
"Hey, it's hell, no one said we were 'fair' down here."
I looked at the fallen angel. The initial repulsion was still there, but there was something that I could latch on to. It was the eyes. Over-sized for human proportion, but they were a dark brown, pretty almost. Behind them, however, was something. Calculating or nervous, I wasn't sure.
"You don't have any authority over me. I'm Christian, I've been saved." I said levelly.
The angel opened the file. "Yep, I see here you were baptized...twice...covered all of the bases. Done in the Catholic church, sprinkling, and a full immersion by the Baptists...but wait. You were never Confirmed?"
"No, but I did profess faith when I was baptized the second time" I commented. "I tithed, usually, went to church, even talked about religion to my friends. And that year of pre-seminary studies. I'm saved...you have no power over me." I leaned forward. I had a good foot of height over the angel, and I tried to use it.
It laughed. "Oh, right, and like YOU know the process here?! Look around, one act of faith and you expect to be ushered through the pearly gates. Or is it the Catholic version? Or what if I'm an agent of Allah? Or I'm a Hindu Avatar? Or an animal spirit? What if Baahl is God? Or the Great God of the Atlantians? What if you got it wrong your entire life? Mmmm?" the angle snorted again.
"That's rich, ok, you want to be judged as a Christian, how about that verse that always bothered you so much? The one where Jesus looks at the ones who professed to believe and then said 'I never knew you'. Mmmm?" The angle pulled a bible out of thin air.
"Which edition do you want to use, an NIV? King James? I've got the original Epistles of Paul here somewhere...do you read greek?" I rocked back, this ploy wasn't going to work.
It opened the file. "Yes...saved...studied...you should know your sins better than the average person of your day and age. Lots of lust here...oh, and that whole perverted sex thing...and what do we have here? Oh...you encouraged your wife's bisexuality by not protesting about her lovers...mmm...allowing others under your authority to sin too? And the threesomes and foursomes...yes...you were a busy boy, weren't you? Hell, I've got enough here to damm you on the spot just for Lust." The angel looked back up at me, his eyes were almost glowing. He handed me the Bible.
"Ok, scholar, start quoting something that says I can't damm you. Notice that good ol' JC isn't here right now".
I needed time...stall...think....
"How often have you done this?" I asked the angel.
"I am a judge...THE judge...I've dammed billions." the angel said...there was a tone in that statement. His...it's...voice had gone flat at that.
"How do I know you are telling the truth?" I asked it.
The angel looked agog at me.
"Truth?!?!? Telling you the Truth?" , it snorted again.
"Truth...mine or yours? I will judge you from that, " he pointed at the Bible, "because you think that is the truth. Angels are like humans, dead man, we don't know the Truth...we only have what truths we believe in."
"The Truth is a Three Edged Sword" I said to him.
"Yeah, I watched that show too...my version, your version, and the facts." The angel seemed to relax a little.
"I have the facts. All of them. Right here. All of your 'free will' decisions. The good, the bad, the cowardly. Actually..." it made a motion (the angel seemed to slide in and out of gender and genderlessness) and the file disappeared in a puff of smoke that smelled vaguely of sulphur, "I have your life right here." it tapped the side of it's head.
"You've had billions of people's lives in your head...no wonder it bothers you to damm them" I said.
It snorted.
"I don't know the truth of this place, I don't know what it's like to be dead. I know what I expected..."
"Your expectations don't mean shit here," the angel cut me off with. "Sometimes, people are just Wrong, they only find that out later. Billions thought the Earth was flat, and later they were proven Wrong. You think that matter and energy are interchangeable according to E=MC2...guess what...you're wrong, but humanity won't figure that out for awhile. And most importantly to YOU right now, you expected something else to happen when you died, well you are just wrong." It sighed.
"I use your own standards of truth to judge you...but that doesn't mean those standards are not wrong. Your version of the Truth is the only measure I can use that self-adjusts to each person I judge" It sat back, looking at me intently.
"What if I just reject that truth, what if I just say that I don't believe that you have this authority over me?" I tell him. It smiled unpleasantly at me.
"A fish on a hook, drawn out of the water, wants to reject that it can't breath in the air. But it dies anyway," the angel said, folding it's over-sized, out of proportion hands. "Face it, dead man, you are mine, condemned by your own beliefs, by the standards of morality and behavior that YOU choose to believe in. You damm yourself. I am merely the facilitator."
"What if I don't feel I should be dammed?" I asked.
"That doesn't matter" it said to me...again in that flat tone.
"I don't believe you," I told it. "I believe that I sinned, but that I learned from the pain I caused myself and others...and even the pain that God is supposedly feeling when I reject Him." The angel snorted, but then seemed to grow taller...
"I believe that Hell is being static...and I reject hell because I spent my life growing and learning, and I refuse to take all of that experience and throw it away!" I said, raising my voice as the angel was now taller than I was, his skin was darkening as he grew, and his hands were growing larger in proportion to his body...his nails were lengthening into claws.
"I am dead...but I have more to do than regret my LIFE for the rest of Time!" I shouted this last as the Angel, dark black skin shot through with fire-red veins loomed over me, it's expression unreadable. Menace oozed from his body...but not from his face.
"Yes, I hurt myself, I hurt others, I ran, I lied...but I also evolved. Pain teach us, and before I died...others loved me. And I loved them."
"NOT ENOUGH," It said to me...thunder in it's tone.
"But...I Also Learned to Love myself!" I said. I knew it then. In that moment, I knew that I had been worthwhile, that I was more than instinct and blind, unfulfilled need. When I said that I loved myself...I really knew that was Truth. Every lover, every person touched...my friends. They had seen it, seen facets of it. What they loved, I suddenly embraced...and added my Life to it...the places in my head, good and bad. And I accepted it and loved it all. I loved my life. And I loved me.
It Reached toward me.
And I flew....upward....as I used to in dreams....
