Mine Fieldians Of The Galaxy

[CaptainWacky]

headvoid

Headvoid woke to find himself swimming in some kind of liquid, inside a large plastic box. He swam to the top and frantically knocked on the lid. It was opened by Tomtrek. Headvoid was confused. Hadn't Tomtrek died? Come to think of it...hadn't Headvoid himself died?

"You're awake!" said Tomtrek. "HEADVOID HAS BEEN SUCCESSFULLY CLONED!" he shouted. Then he helped Headvoid out of the box.

"Uhh, thanks," said Headvoid. "Can I have some clothes?"

"Sure," said Tomtrek, handing Headvoid an exact replica of what he'd last been wearing. "We wait to see if anyone would prefer to go naked. So far only Loktar has!"

"Where am I?" asked Headvoid. "What's going on here?"

"WELL to answer that will require recapping recent events," said Tomtrek, before beginning an obviously memorised speech. "So we were all captured by the immortal alien, cyborg and Star Trek hater FILTHYRECWHORE and transported to the Mine Field Games Arena he had constructed. There were were infected by rage gas - which of course you had invented in your previous life in advertising - and made to fight each other to the death. Also in the arena was Mentalist, who it turned out was actually a robot created by FilthyRecWhore. After days of horrible combat, Cassie was declared the winner of the Mine Field Games. She then crippled FilthyRecWhore's dimension hopping space ship with her penis cleaver and the two were left alone. But months later it was revealed that the Mentalist robot had downloaded his programming to a laptop containing every image of Michelle Trachtenberg in the world. He sucked power out of the Bick Box then downloaded himself into FRW's cyborg components and took over his body, transforming FRW's human half into a sick recreation of Michelle Trachtenberg. He left Cassie alone, buried alive underneath the Mine Field Games Arena. He now plans to end all life in all universes by raising an army of brainwashed Mine Fieldians across all realities."

"Ah yes, it's all coming back to me," said Headvoid, remembering the moment when Fuddlemiff had stabbed him to death with a slightsaber. "We must stop this cyborg fiend, etc."

"For wearing Michelle Trachtenberg's visage, he must pay the ultimate price," said Tomtrek.

"And for trying to end all life in the universe."

"Sure."

"So, where am I now?" asked Headvoid.

"You're on the U.S.S Boogie, of course!" said Tomtrek. "The cyborg's mistake was leaving Cassie alive, you see. She managed to build a starship from the machinery left behind in the Mine Field Games Arena. She even manged to build a cloning machine and bring us all back to life. Turned out our personalities were downloaded at the moment of death."

"That was lucky! So, this starshp is crewed by the Mine Fielders?"

"The Mine FIELDIANS, yes," said Tomtrek. "Well, all except Seph. Every time we tried to clone him he stabbed the cloning machine to death from the inside. Which was weird because we didn't clone him with a knife! You were the last person to be cloned...but why tell you all this, when I can SHOW you! It's just a short walk to the bridge!"

Headvoid followed Tomtrek out of the cloning room and along a corridor to the bridge. Headvoid was impressed as he entered. It was really big and really white, with very little lensflare.

"I'll just go and attempt to clone Seph one more time," said Tomtrek. "Go and introduce yourself to the Captain. I'm sure she'll have a mission for you."

Headvoid looked around the bridge. He saw many Mine Fieldians he recognised performing various tasks. There was Whisky constructing a map of the galaxy out of LEGO. SAUSAGEMAN was staring at some kind of Apple device, bue he hadn't turned it on. Curiousa2z was at the science station, FBI Parte Due was at the helm. Fuddlemiff was sitting next to the captain. And Captain Cassie herself was looking down at something she held on her lap.

"Fuddlemiff's the first officer then," said Headvoid.

"And he's more Riker than Chakotay, I'm happy to say," said SAUSAGEMAN.

"What do you have there?" asked Headvoid, looking at the Apple product.

"This is the most advanced MacBook Air in the known universe. Cassie replicated it from specs taken from every possible reality she could scan. It is the most powerful Apple product to ever exist and by far the most pretty."

"Then why aren't you using it?"

"Meh, I'm waiting for the next upgrade."

Headvoid made his way towards Cassie. He brushed by Fuddlemiff as he walked over to her.

"Wonder how he got to be first officer," he said, idly.

"I can assure you my previous relationship with Fuddlekins has nothing to do with his current position," she said. He now saw what she had on her lap. It was some kind of box. And it was glowing faintly.

"I see some familiar faces, but there's some missing..."

"Well, Chief Engineer Filthy Whore and Chief Medical Officer Mirah aren't here, of course, but yes I have sent some people out on missions," said Captain Cassie. "Wacky and Eggs Mayonnaise are investigating a water plaent. Dr Dave and Tisiphone are travelling to a wormhole. And Gagh and Ishcabittle are at a space bar."

"And why did you send them to those particular places?"

"Oh, I just knew they had to be there..."

"But how?"

"Because the Bick Box speaks to me, Heavoid," said Cassie, stroking the box on her lap. "Mentalbot left it behind. Even he feared its power. It is what allows me to see all possible realities. It is how I know where people must be. And you must be by my side, Headvoid, as Chief Morale Officer."

"I...what?" he asked.

"Oh, I don't understand it either, but I assure you it makes perfect sense. The Bick Box never lies to me." And she looked up at Heavoid for the first time. He recoiled in fear, for he saw reflected in her eyes eternity itself.

"I never thought I'd be nostalgic for the time when we were all killing each other," said Heavoid.

TO BE CONTINUED

 

[CaptainWacky]

Dr Dave

"I think we should call it Goose Killer," said Dr Dave. "Every shuttle needs a good name."

"Why call it Goose Killer then?" asked Tisiphone.

"Well met," said Dr Dave. They were two days into their stakeout of the black hole. It was a small shuttle, just enough room for the two of them. And they had grown very bored.

"Seriously, how do we even know we're at the black hole?" asked Tisi.

"What do you mean?" said Dr Dave.

"Well I can't see it. Can you?"

"No but...it's black. Like space. So it doesn't show up."

"So how do we know it's there then!"

"I think if you look really close you can kind of see it...right there." He pointed.

"I just see blackness," said Tisi.

"But isn't it slightly more black than the other blackness?"

"...maybe."

"Anyway, these are the co-ordinates Cassie gave us. She said there's a good reason why we have to be here."

"Yeah, but is that reason to help save the galaxy...or is it for Cassie's own ends! Maybe she wants rid of us because she fears we'd have the power to overthrow her!"

"What!"

"Think about it, Dr Dave. Who made Cassie the captain of the U.S.S. Boogie anyway?"

"Well, she built it with her own two hands..."

"And that's nother thing! Since when can Cassie build a starship? Something's seriously up with her, Dr Dave. Have you seen that way she strokes that Bick Box?"

"Yes, that is concerning," Dr Dave admitted. "But I believe she sent us here for a good reason. We'll just have to keep watching the black hole until something happens."

"FINE. But just don't cross the event horizon! Nothing can escape once it crosses that."

"Okay! Umm...how do I know where the vent horizon is when I can't see it?"

Tisi didn't know how to respond to that so Dr Dave kept the shuttle parked where it is. They waited and waited. Dr Dave felt himself drifting to sleep. Then Tisi nudged him urgently in the ribs.

"What is it?" he said.

"There's...there's something come out of the black hole!" said Tisi. And there was. It was a starship, but much larger than even the U.S.S. Boogie. And it was dark and had lots of sharp edges. The warp nacelles were green.

"That's an evil starship if ever I've seen one!" said Dr Dave.

"It's him!" said Tisi. "It's Menty! It must be!"

"HELLO, TREKKIE SCUM," said a voice over the commuications system.

"That doesn't sound like Menty..." said Dr Dave.

"INDEED, FUCKERS," said the voice. "DID YOU REALLY THINK THE MENTALIST PROGRAMMING COULD KEEP CONTROL OF MY BODY? I HAVE DELETED HIM AGAIN AND CHANGED MY APPEARANCE BACK TO MY BEAUTIFUL SELF. I AM FILTHYREWHORE AND I AM BACK...TO END ALL OF EXISTENCE!"

"No!" said Tisi. "Cassie told us you made friends with her!"

"I CAN'T FIGHT MY NATURE," said FilthyRecWhore. "I AM WHAT I AM. AND YOU...ARE...DEAD!" His ship fired EVIL MISSILES at the Goose Killer. Dr Dave frantically steered away.

"This makes no sense," he said. "How could he escape the event horizon of a black whole? Didn't Cassie say he was travelling to other dimensions to build an army?"

"Just get us out of here!" said Tisi. "We're no match for a starship that big and that evil.."

"I SEEK AN OBJECT OF GREAT POWER," said FilthyRecWhore, for some reason talking to them again. "I FOUND I COULD NOT TRAVEL TO OTHER DIMENSIONS WITHOUT IT, THE BLACK HOLE SPAT ME BACK INTO THIS REALITY. BUT I ALREADY HAVE AN ARMY!"

"Why does he always shout!" said Dr Dave. The Goose Killer was flying away at full speed, but the Big Evil Starship was easily matching them. More and more missiles came their way...until one hit the Goose Killer.

"We're hit!" said Tisi. "But it hasn't exploded? Wait a minute...sensors show someone was INSIDE that missile...and now they're inside the Goose Killer!" She pulled out her Tisi sword. It was a replicate of the Master Sword from Wind Waker.

"But who wold work with FilthyRecWhore!" said Tisi. The door to the cockpit opened...and a hideous half FilthyRecWhore/half werewolf creature lumbered in.

"I AM HIS SPAWN," it said. "AND I SHIT ON YOU!" And then it and Tisi flew into furious battle.

TO BE CONTINUED

 

[CaptainWacky]

Ishcabittle

"Bartender! ROMULAN ALE, please!" said Gagh.

"That's not a real drink," said the alien bartender, who was pink and had four arms. "It's from a tv show."

"Well, something that'll get us nice and pissed then," said Gagh.

"You want something that will make us angry?" asked Ishcabittle. He looked around somewhat nervously. He'd never been to a space bar before and it was full of very many aliens. Some had no heads. One was just a big foot. It was pretty weird.

"Pissed means drunk, mate!" said Gagh. "In England anyway! And come on, Cassie wouldn't have sent us to a space bar if she didn't want us getting space drunk!"

"That's assuming Cassie knows what she's doing," said Ish. "I mean I like her and everything, but she seems to have gone kind of crazy. Remember I was one of the last alive in the Mine Field Games. I disguised myself as Eggs and snuck up and hit FilthyRecWhore with a guitar. But after I died it was just Cassie and him alone...who knows what they got up to?"

"Yeah, well, at least we can get drunk," said Gagh.

"Good point," said Ish. The bartender game them two smoking pints of a green liquid. They before drank and felt instantly intoxicated.

"Haha!" laughed Gagh, as drunk people often do.

"Hoho!" laughed Ish, as drunk people often do. Then he bumped into the alien sitting on the stool next to him.

"SLEKTWAG!" said the alien.

"He doesn't like you," said another alien, friends with the first.

"I'm sorry," said Ish.

"I don't like you either!" he added.

"OH, SOD THIS," said Gagh, smashing his pint in the English speaking alien's face. The other alien lunged for Gagh, but Ish quickly threw him down with a JUDO THROW.

"Lucky I learned Judo throws earlier this day!" said Ish. "At least we didn't have to chop any arms off."

"We better be careful though," said Gagh, nodding towards some space cops who had just entered the bar. "Come on, let's go over to a booth. Hide behind a werewolf man."

They went over to where a family of werewolf people were talking to someone else. The werewolf people were just leaving.

"Thank you so much for this new pet!" said the werewolf mother, holding something small and furry in her hand.

"No problem!" said a voice. Ish thought it sounded familiar. He and Gagh sat down at the table once the werewolf people were gone...and found themselves sitting next to Hambil!

"HAMBIL!?" said Ish.

"I'm drunk lol," said Gagh, taking another drink from a pint of green alcohol.

"Wait, I thought you smashed your pint!?" said Ish.

"I stole yours!" said Gagh.

"Well, just you keep drinking and I'll find out what the fuck Hambil is doing here," said Ish.

"Oh, hi guys," said Hambil. "It's pretty simple. Once Cassie cloned me I stole a shuttle and got the heck off her spaceship. I'm too old to follow orders! I thought I'd start my own business here in the space bar."

"Doing what?" asked Ish. "Selling pets to werewolf families? What are they, hamsters? Gerbils?"

"Tribbles!" said Hambil, taking one out.

"The fuck!" said Gagh. "But they're not real!"

"In an infinite universe of infinite possibilites, everything is real somewhere!" said Hambil.

"That means Romulan Ale DOES exist!" said Gagh, and he went back to the bar to buy some.

"Well, maybe," said Hambil. "I actually bought this one from a space trader."

"Tribble, once you have one you end up with hundreds," said Ish. "Thousands eventually! They're born pregnant."

"Yeah, that's why I'm making so much money! I have a lot to sell!"

"Sold them to anyone interesting?" asked Ish, thinking. Could this be the reason why Cassie had sent him and Gagh to the space bar?

"Well, yeah," said Hambil. "I sold one to Michelle Trachtenberg."

"What!" said Ish.

"It's true!" said Hambil. "She came into the bar right after I set up shop. She said she had an EVIL use for the Tribble, which was kind of strange. But money is money."

"Uhh, you do realise that FilthyRecWhore's Menty programming took control of a body that resembles Michelle Trachtenberg, right?" asked Ish.

"No!" said Hambil. "That's fucked up!"

"Didn't Tomtrek give you the recap when you were cloned?"

"Well, he tried to, but we got into a fight about Doctor Who before he could finish. David Tennant is the best Doctor, everyone knows that!"

"I think I know why we were sent here!" said Ish. "I have to tell Gagh!"

But as he looked over to the bar he was horrified to see Gagh being arrested by the space cops.

TO BE CONTINUED

 

[CaptainWacky]

Mirah

"How many times have I told you, no more naked kayaking in the holodeck!" said Chief Medical Officer Mirah to her patient, naked Loktar.

"The safeties were on!" said Loktar. Mirah was doing a good job not looking at his private parts. Of course being a doctor she'd seen it all before. She just didn't particularly want to see it again.

"Those safeties were designed to protect a clothed kayaker," said Mirah, wisely. "The holodeck has no way of predicting that you'll be naked in there!"

"It's so freeing," said Loktar. "I think it comes from that time Seph flayed me alive and wore my skin as a cloak. Now I just love being naked all the time!"

"I think you have deep rooted psychological issues," said Mirah. "But I'm not the ship's counsellor. That's Jack or someone. Sorry, can't help. Just take these futuristic pain pills and spend less tme on the holodeck."

"But Captain Cassie told me to go there! It must be part of her plan!"

"What could you kayaking possibly do to help us against The Enemy..."

"Well, any time I went on the bridge she just told me to get out! Eventually I asked where I should go and she said the holodeck."

"Okay..." said Mirah. It was pretty obvious that Cassie simply didn't want naked Loktar on the bridge, but Mirah said nothing. That was part of her bedside manner. She gave Loktar the futuristic pain pills and sent him on his way. Nurse Love Cunt and Nurse Love Child came into sickbay.

"Anything you want us to do?" asked Love Cunt. Mirah rolled her eyes. They were always disappearing when any actual patients came in. She had begged Cassie to let her have anyone else as nurses, but for some reason she had insisted on those two.

"No," said Mirah. "Go experiment on that dead space snake we found in space." Love Cunt and Love Child exited just as Headvoid came in.

"This is such an odd ship," he said, watching the nurses go.

"Ah, Headvoid," said Mirah. "I was beginning to think you'd never be cloned. I guess Seph destroying the cloning machine eight times set things back. Anyway, good to see you here. What can I do for you?"

"Cassie made me Chief Morale Officer," said Headvoid. "I don't have a clue how to improve morale on this ship, so I was thinking...can you modify this?" He took a cannister of RAGE GAS.

"RAGE GAS!" said Mirah. "I remember it making me kill people...you had something to do with that?"

"Oh, I created it for a TJ Maxx advertising campaign," said Heavoid. "I was young and foolish. Working for TJ Maxx! What was I thinking! Anyway, maybe you can turn it into some kind of...morale gas."

"Well, I guess if I reverse the formula that could work, but it will take a while," said Mirah. "And First Officer Fuddlemiff's been on my ASS about creating an army of unstoppable super soldiers to defeat The Enemy."

"Oh, THAT guy," said Headvoid, at the mention of Fuddlemiff's name.

"Yeah, you can see all the orders here on the ship's internal bulletin board system," said Mirah, showing Headvoid a PADD. "But to be fair he's not posted as many orders lately..."

"So what you're saying is that Fuddlemiff doesn't post enough?" said Headvoid.

"That's exactly what Wacky said!" said Mirah. "Back before Cassie sent him away."

"Yeah, that sounds like something Wacky would say."

"But really people have a lot of stuff to do, they can't spend all their time posting on the Boogie BBS...anyway, why are you so interested?"

"Well, it does show that some people are unsatisfied with Fuddlemiff," said Headvoid. "Maybe if we RISE UP and overthrow him and let someone better be First Officer..."

"Are you sure you don't just want revenge for him killing you in the Mine Field Games?" asked Mirah. "Tomtrek showed me the kill stats."

"That's nothing to do with it!" said Headvoid. "Anyway, I heard SAUSAGEMAN tricked Tomtrek into killing you...do you want revenge on SAUSAGEMAN?"

"No!" said Mirah. "I mean I did hide his Pokemon cards. In Tomtrek's socks. THAT'LL TEACH HIM. But generally I'm very rational."

"Well, let's see how you do with that Morale Gas before we make further plans to overthrow Fuddlemiff's fascist routine," said Headvoid. Just then, a robot lady entered Sickbay.

"What the fuck!" said Headvoid.

"Oh, that's Susie," said Mirah. "Cassie rebuilt her in a robot body. Hi, Susie!"

"I AM SUSIE," said Susie.

"I know, Susie," said Mirah.

"I AM SUSIE," said Susie.

"Oh, shit, she's stuck on Groot mode," said Mirah. She flipped a switch on Susie's back. "Say something else, Susie."

"Else, likes peanut butter," said Susie.

"Susie morale," said Headvoid.

"Morale of humor but saw no point in even though they're completely different looking," said Susie.

"Well that doesn't help!" said Headvoid.

"Wait a minute!" said Mirah. "Susie has been programmed to convert gases! She can convert the rage gas to morale gas while I contiue with my work!"

"Contiue with my DVD of one of their top 100 WTF moment in the 1990s, Portman to marry someone else in the entire franchise,, Final Fifth was before giving up, so much screentime," said Susie.

"Okay that's enough Susie talking for now," said Mirah.

"Okay SKINNY POLICE," said Susie.

TO BE CONTINUED

 

[CaptainWacky]

Eggs Mayonnaise

Eggs and Wacky had arrived at the water planet in their shuttle. They were in orbit, scanning for lifeforms. So far they'd only detected fish lifeforms.

"Damn it, I can't connect the Boogie's message board out here!" said Wacky. "What if I'm missing new posts!"

"Stop talking about that stupid message board, Wacky!" said Eggs. "Cassie said we'd find something interesting on this planet."

"Is it all water?" asked Wacky. "Or is it rock in the middle? And wasn't it in a Voyager episode?"

"That's not important!" said Eggs. "Nothing related to Voyager is ever important!"

"I guess at least we're not stuck watching a black hole like Dr Dave and Tisi," said Wacky. "I bet nothing intreesting happens to them. Mind you, nothing interesting seems like it's going to happen to us..."

"Hang on!" said Eggs. "I'm detecting NON-FISH life...it's human, Wacky. Sensors say there's a human male on that water planet. And he's hot."

"Those are some good sensors," said Wacky. "Let's land...or fly above the water anyway." They flew the shuttle down close to the planet. They could see a person swimming. Wacky stuck his head out the side of the shuttle.

"Hey, you, who are you...MENTALIST?!" he said. "Shit, Eggs, shoot him in the face!"

"That IS Menty...swimming...naked..." said Eggs. "But yeah, I better shoot him!"

"Hang on!" said Mentalist, swimming over to them. The shuttle wasn't far above him. "Wacky, Eggs! Haven't talked to you guys in years! How'd you know I'd come here?"

"Cassie sent us to find you...ROBOT!" said Wacky. He shot at Menty but missed.

"I'm not a robot!" said Menty. "I'd sink to the bottom of the water planet if I was!"

"He makes a good point," said Eggs.

"But Data was designed to function as a floatation device..." started Wacky. Eggs slapped him.

"INSURRECTION DOESN'T COUNT," said Eggs.

"Look, would one of you tell me what's been going on?" asked Menty. Wacky explained the whole thing to him. "And you...just believed everything FilthyRecWhore said? That I was a robot all along? You really thought that of me? You didn't think Filthy was just messing with your minds?"

"Well, you never read my Hobbit review," said Wacky.

"So if you're the REAL Menty, how did you get here?" asked Eggs.

"Well, like you guys I was captured by FilthyRecWhore and brought to the Mine Field Games Arena. But I was the first one there. He said he had to copy my brain patterns for some reason. Probably to create a robot, come to think of it! After he did that I managed to escape. That's when I found someone else in the arena. It was Bick, and he was sitting on a box. But he was in some kind of coma? I touched his box...I was drawn to it for some reason...and the next thing I knew I was here, on the water planet! I have an underwater house and everything, it's great. I swim a lot."

"The Bick Box," said Eggs. "FilthyRecWhore told me about that. He said in his time period it was feared for its power. And yet he brought it to the MFG Arena before everything else? Why? And why did he leave it behind allowing Cassie to have it? And if it's so powerful...can we trust it in the hands of Cassie?"

"She'll fill it with chopped off cocks!" said Wacky.

"We need to get back to the Boogie and explain to Cassie just how powerful the box is...and we're bringing you with us, Menty!" said Eggs. But Menty had disappeared.

"Maybe he's gone to get presents for us..." said Wacky. But Menty appeared again holding a trident.

"And I'll use my trident to kill the fake Menty and reclaim ownership of the Mine Field!" he said.

"And start posting again!" said Wacky.

"...sure," said Menty. He got onboard and Eggs set a course back to the Boogie at maximum warp. Wacky sat staring at Menty for the whole journey, possibly scared that he would disappear again.

"Hang on, I'm picking up a distress call," said Eggs. "It's from Dr Dave and Tisi's shuttle, it's not far from here..."

"SET A COURSE," said Wacky.

"I already did," said Eggs.

"You'll make officer yet!" said Wacky. The shuttle came out of warp...and found the Goose Killer badly damaged with a big evil spaceship looming over it.

"Well, shit," said Eggs.

TO BE CONTINUED

 

[Eggs Mayonnaise]

Amazing that I could concentrate on piloting with wet, naked Menty sitting next to me...

 

[The Question]

Puh-SHAW! Another story I'm not in! issed:

 

[Eggs Mayonnaise]

YET.

 

[CaptainWacky]

You were in The Mine Field Games. Fuddlemiff killed you for farting too much.

 

[CaptainWacky]

Fuddlemiff

Fuddlemiff was growing increasingly worried about Captain Cassie. She had not left the Bridge for days. She just sat on her chair, looking at the Bick Box. He didn't know what she was thinking. He didn't know what they were waiting for. Shouldn't they be trying to find out the Mentalist/FilthyRecWhore/Trachtenberg monster? That and the fact thta Headvoid was obviously plotting to kill him had really really made it tough on Fuddlemiff as First Officer.

"We have a lot more crewmembers we could send out," he said to her, breaking a long silence.

"No," she said, without looking at him. "Everyone is where the box...where I need them to be. We don't have long to wait now. He is coming back to us..."

"Shouldn't we prepare...somehow? We don't know what's coming, but we could do more," said Fuddlemiff.

"Oh, I know what's coming," said Cassie. "And many crewmembers will die in the coming battle. But it will be worth it."

"What!" said Fuddlemiff, shocked. "If you know that, shouldn't we be doing something to prevent it?"

Cassie looked up at him now. "Oh, poor sweet Fuddlemiff," she said. "You understand so little. You have not touched eternity like I..."

"I haven't even touched you since you brought me back!" said Fuddlemiff, remembering their intimacy in the Mine Field Games.

"Don't speak that way in front of the crew," said Cassie. "But you are right, there is more we could be doing. SAUSAGEMAN, I want you working on weapons. Something Nintendo themed. Or Apple. One of them."

"It's cute that you think I only have two character traits," said SAUSAGEMAN. "But a clone of Donkey Kong sitting on top of the starship throwing giant barrels at enemies? It could work..." He went off to work on that.

"And that will save lives?" asked Fuddlemiff.

"No," said Cassie. "Nothing will."

"Damn it!" said Fuddlemiff. "I think you need to take your hands off that Bick Box for a minute and think about what you've become!"

"And I think you need to stop speaking out against your captain," said Cassie. "Before I get The Saint to throw you in the Brig!"

"And I'll fart right in there before I close the forcefield," said The Saint. "PRRRRRFFFFFT!"

"CAPTAIN," said Pandora Spox, interrupting the tense stand-off. "There's an incoming transmission from one of the shuttles...it's Eggs!"

"ON SCREEN," said Cassie.

Eggs appeared on the viewscreen. His beard was completely out of control. "Captain, you've got to help us, the FilthyRecWhores are everywhere, Tisi and Dr Dave nearly died fighting them, we have the real Menty with us, please open the shuttle bay doors! And protect the Bick Box!"

"Here they come !" said FBI Parte Due. The shuttle Wacky and Eggs had been in appeared on screen...closely followed by a big evil dark spaceship.

"They led him right to us!" said Fuddlemiff.

"It was meant to be this way," said Cassie. "Open the shuttle bay doors, but close them as soon as the shuttle is inside...missiles will be coming."

"There's another transmission," said Pandora Spox. "It's..."

"HELLO, TREKKIE SCUM," came the voice of FilthyRecWhore.

"FilthyRecWhore, only you would be so bold," said Cassie. "I knew you'd end up being the real villain of the piece."

"YOU AND I ON THE SAME SIDE," said FRW. "IT NEVER FELT QUITE RIGHT. YOU HAVE SOMETHING I LEFT BEHIND IN ERROR. RETURN IT TO ME AND I'LL LET YOU LIVE."

"We both know you'll never do that," said Cassie. She looked like a proper Captain now, Fuddlemiff thought.

"NO," laughed FRW. "OF COURSE I WON'T. DIEEEEEE!"

"He's firing everything he's got!" said Fuddlemiff. "The shuttle with Eggs and the other just crash landed in the shuttle bay."

"SHIELDS UP," said Cassie. "BATMOBILE ARMOUR UP."

The ship was hit by the first of the missiles. The shileds held. But then something else happened. The sides of the big evil spaceship opened up...and hundreds of individual fighters came out. And they all fired on the Boogie.

"Shields are failing!" said Fuddlemiff. "We have to get out of here, we can't survive this kind of punishment."

"WE FIGHT," said Cassie. "Man the gun wings! Give them everything we've got."

The Boogie returned fire, but only managed to take out a few of the FRW fighters.

"We have to retreat, damn it," said Fuddlemiff. "At least until SAUSAGEMAN finishes cloning Donkey Kong!"

"There is a BROWN LEGO BRICK FIELD we could fly into," said Whisky. "According to my map of the galaxy. Actually, it could be an asteroid field, come to think of it..."

"Yes," said Cassie, after thinking for moment. "Take us in there."

"The asteroids will do as much damage as the fighters!" said Fuddlemiff. "Susie, tell her the odds!"

"odds! of winning against Obama than any episode of that stupid bitch did a complete idiot but I'm rooting for BAD you have a body, too, you I am UP AND raped," said Susie.

"NEVER TELL ME THE ODDS," said Cassie. "Take us in, FBI Parte Due!"

"Shields have failed!" said Fuddlemiff. "Getting reports that one of our gun wings has been destroyed...Bick Dick McGee and Laker Girl are dead!"

The Boogie flew into the asteroid field. The big evil spacehsip did not follow, but many of the fighters did.

"When we come back out, it will be time for the final battle against FilthyRecWhore," said Cassie. "And then we will finally know...who will rule the galaxy."

Fuddlemiff didn't know if the thought of FilthyRecWhore ruling the galaxy scared him more than the thought of Cassie ruling it.

TO BE CONTINUED

 

[CaptainWacky]

CaptainWacky

They'd docked with the damaged shuttle and found Tisi lying exhauted on the body of a dead FilthyRecWhore monster clone. They brought the injured Dr Dave and Tisi over to their shuttle, but were attacked by another FRW monster. Luckily Mentalist had stabbed it with is trident.

They'd headed back to the Boogie. It was all they could do, with some many FRW monsters around. It was only after Eggs had sent the distress message that they realised what was happening.

"They let us escape," said Dr Dave. "With a big evil spaceship that big, FilthyRecWhore could have destroyed the Goose Killer any time he wanted to. The boohat waited for you guys to arrive so you'd rescue us and he could follow us back to the Boogie."

"It doesn't matter," said Wacky. "Something tells me he would have been able to find the Boogie anyway. There's something he wants there...and it's also the only thing that can stop him." Wacky had been thinking about the Bick Box a lot since Menty had told them what it could do. If it had the power to send him across the galaxy, what else could it do? Whoever held the Bick Box could control reality. And that interested Wacky very much.

"The shuttle bay doors are open!" said Eggs.

"And now FRW is firing on us!" said Dr Dave, taking evasive manoeuvres. "He doesn't need us alive anymore!"

"We're hit!" said Tisi, as the shuttle was hit.

"Why does everyone keep saying what's happening?" asked Menty.

The Boogie was almost out of control as it sped through the shuttle bay doors. It did not land smoothly. It slid all across the shuttlebay, crashing into several other shuttles. Finally it came to rest. Wacky, Dr Dave, Tisi, Eggs and Menty stumbled out...and found FRW clones in the shuttlebay!

"They must have got in while the shields were down!" said Tisi, swinging her sword. "KILL THEM!" She behead two monsters with one swing.

"BY CORK OR BY FORK!" said Dr Dave, whipping out his war umbrella and impaling one.

"Yeah, die," said Menty, stabbing with his trident.

"And I've got a...stick!" said Eggs, grabbing a stick.

"You guys seem to have this," said Wacky, who had no weapon. "I'll just uhh, go over here..."

He ran from the fighting. The ship was in red alert. He saw crewmembers running to the gun wings. The ship had two such wings, on the left and right of the shuttle bay. Laker Girl and Big Dick McGee ran by, heading for the right wing. He wondered if BDM had finished work on his Oscar fashion thread yet. He started to run after them...then there was an explosion. The right wing of the ship was blown up. Wacky lept into a turbolift and found himself in engineering.

"...taking the ship into an asteroid field!?" he heard Chief Engineer Filthy Whore say to Harkley. "One bad hit and the warp core could go into meltdown!"

Wacky didn't particularly feel like talking to them either, so he hid in a Joffrey Tube (Cassie had named them after the Game Of Thrones character.) He finally had time to breathe. This was all wrong, he thought to himself. So much violence, so much death...why wasn't Cassie using the Bick Box to stop this? She wasn't worthy of holding it.

"I should have the Bick Box!" said Wacky. "And then I'd turn everyone here into...into bodiless intelligences. Posting on some kind of great space Mine Field FOR ALL OF TIME. And I, I would post most of all!" He decided it was time to lead a mutiny against Cassie...then he saw something moving in the tube behind him.

"Who's there?" he said. "Jethro?"

"NO," said an evil voice. "IT IS I...AND I NEED TO FEED!" And then the biggest, scariest FilthyRecWhore monster he'd yet seen punced on him. Wacky screamed, but he was so far into the tube that nobody could hear him.

TO BE CONTINUED

 

[whisky]

Joffrey tubes are a work of genius.

 

[CaptainWacky]

Cassie

No one understand what it was like to be the Captain. The sacrifices she'd had to make. She'd just lost crewmembers in the battle with FilthyRecWhore, but she couldn't worry about that now. She had an asteroid field to deal with.

"Shields are down!" said Fuddlemiff. "Batmobile armour is holding, for now, but we can't take many more hits like this, Cassie!"

"That's CAPTAIN Cassie, mister!" said Cassie. She had to show her previous relationship with Fuddlekins didn't mean he could get away with questioning her orders so brazenly. "Yes we are taking damage, but SAUSAGEMAN how many of the enemy's fighters have been destroyed?"

"Five so far," he said. "They can't hold up to an asteroid hit the way the Boogie can."

"Now do you see?" snapped Cassie. She was being too hard on Fuddlemiff now, she knew that. It was the burden of command. That and the voice she'd heard in her head since she'd first touched the Bick Box...

"I understand the strategy, but the fact remains that the Boogie can't hold up to this pounding forever," said Fuddlemiff, softly.

"I agree," said Cassie. "Mister FBI, take us closer to one of the larger asteroids."

"CLOSER?" said Whisky. "We've all seen Empire Strikes Back, Cassie. It'll try to eat us soon enough."

"FOLLOW MY ORDERS," said Cassie. FBI gulped.

"Taking us down," he said. An asteroid shot right by the Boogie and took out another fighter. FBI landed on the Boogie on one of the largest asteroids.

"I'm going to Sickbay," said Cassie.

"Are you okay?" asked Fuddlemiff, concerned.

"WOMEN'S PROBLEMS, MOFO!" she snapped. It was a lie, but she didn't want to anger him. She passed Headvoid on the way there.

"Mirah says she can make the morale gas," he reported. "Guess I can put my feet up."

"No," said Cassie. "As morale officer I need you actively improving morale. Lead the crew in a sing song." Headvoid thought about this for a minute.

"Fuck no!" he said. She was shocked for a moment, then laughed. She had to admit she admired his honesty. And maybe she'd been wrong with the morale gas tactic. She wasn't quite sure why the voice in her head had told her to do that. Maybe it was because...hmm. She went to Sickbay now. Mirah was working on a cannister of morale gas.

"I see it's coming along," said Cassie.

"There should be enough to boost morale on the whole ship soon!" said Mirah.

"And if I asked you to change it to RAGE GAS...could you?" asked Cassie.

"I...I mean, yes, that would be easy, the formulae is based on rage gas...but why would you want me to do that!?"

"Don't question my orders or I'll activate the Emergency Medical Hologram in your place!" said Cassie.

"Please state the nature of the sexual emergency!" said the EMH, who had been automatically activated when Cassie said his name. He was modelled after John Barrowman. Cassie wasn't sure why.

"Just keep making morale gas...FOR NOW," said Cassie and she charged out of Sickbay. She went to her Ready Room and called SAUSAGEMAN in. "How's work going on the Nintendo weapons?" she asked.

"I scrapped the Donkey Kong idea," said SAUSAGEMAN. "Everyone knows he can't breathe in space. But I came up with something better. It's a cannon that shoots Yoshi eggs! The best part is that each egg actually contains a little baby Yoshi that dies on impact!"

"...maybe I don't need to use gas to make you all more aggressive and evil after all," said Cassie.

"CAPTAIN!" said Whisky, barging in. "Reports of fighting in the shuttlebay. There's clones of FilthyRecWhore onboard ship!"

"PREP THE YOSHI EGG CANNON," said Cassie.

TO BE CONTINUED

 

[CaptainWacky]

The Tomtrek

Tomtrek was growing incresingly frustrated at his inability to clone Seph. He hadn't left his lab in days. All he did was try to get the cloning process to work. What was the problem? Why did he keep appearing with a knife that he'd used to destroy the machine before he was fully cloned? Tomtrek had rebuilt the machine to be knife-proof, but the Seph clones still didn't complete. Tomtrek wanted to give up...but he couldn't. Not as long as Cassie held the Trachtenberg laptop...

It had been the first thing he'd asked about after Cassie had cloned him. He'd been the first. She needed him to clone the others while she finished constructing the Boogie, she told him. He'd asked about the laptop once more. It contained all Michelle Trachtenberg images known to man. It had survived the Mine Field Games chaos. It was meant to be with him. But Cassie had said he could only get it back after he was finished cloning everyone. But Seph just wouldn't clone...

Tomtrek set the machine to clone Seph one more time and got up. He was going to ask Cassie if he could at least have a look at the laptop...

"No," she said right away when he walked over to her. "It's too dangerous. The Enemy used that laptop during its resurrection."

"It'll be safe in my hands!" said Tomtrek. "Come on!"

"Captain, we don't have time for this," said Fuddlemiff. "Crewmembers are fighting to the death with hostiles in the shuttle bay. Permission to lead a team and rescue them."

"Granted," said Cassie. "But it must be a small team and if there's no hope of rescue you must return right away. Here's the lightsaber you used in the Mine Field Games. I held onto it for...personal reasons. Take SAUSAGEMAN and his Yoshi Cannon too. And Tomtrek I guess. But he'll need a weapon..."

"Just give me a sonic screwdriver," Tomtrek sighed. "We all know it's coming." Cassie reached into the Bick Box and pulled out a sonic and tossed it to Tomtrek. The three of them made their way down to the shuttle bay. The door had been sealed to contain the enemy. Fuddlemiff ordered it open.

"Here we go he..." said as the door slid open. Tomtrek gasped as how many FilthyRecWhore monsters had got onboard. There were at least a dozen of them, but Dr Dave was stabbing them with his umbrella, Tisi with her sword, Menty with his trident...and Eggs with a stick. Tomtrek shot a sonic blast to knock back the monsters surrounding Eggs. He saw a Yoshi egg flying over his shoulder. It hit a monster directly in the face then cracked open. A dead baby Yoshi splatted on the floor.

"Yes!!" said SAUSAGEMAN. Tomtrek wondered if he'd cloned him wrong. But there wasn't time to worry about that now.

"We have to get out of here," said Fuddlemiff. "Follow me!" The seven of them made their way back through the doors. Fuddlemiff ordered them sealed again, but one of the monsters jumped through right before they were closed. It slashed at Menty, cutting his shirt open. Tomtrek kicked the monster's face off. He stared as his own foot in surprise.

"Thanks, Tomtrek," said Menty. "Shame Wacky died or whatever!"

"But I have female celebrity opinions!" said Tomtrek. "About Michelle Trachtenberg!"

"Let's get back to the Bridge," said Fuddlemiff. "We can scan for Wacky signs there." They all got in a turbolift. But as it travelled, they heard a banging on the roof. And then...the roof was torn open just as the door to the bridge opened. A massive FilthyRecWhore monster with huge fucking claws dived down at them.

"Fools!" said Cassie. "You let it in here!"

"It came from somewhere else, not the shuttle bay," snapped Fuddlemiff as he tried to hold the monster back with his lightsaber. But it kept coming...for Menty.

"It wants me!" said Menty. "Because my shirt was ripped?"

"It's sexually confused!" said Eggs. "I've seen this behaviour before! Filthy told me in the arean that he was gay."

"Then I know what I must do," said Menty and without a further word he climbed up into a vent hanging over the Bridge and crawled inside it. The monster jumped up after him and followed.

"Quick!" said Tomtrek. "We can watch what's gong on on this monitor. It'll be tense! Where's the little lights representing the two of them?"

"Umm, it doesn't do that," said Cassie. "I don't even know what those vents are for, to be honest."

"Then what does this monitor show?" Cassie shrugged and turned it on. It was showing Grumpy Cat's Worst Christmas ever. "Oh, cool" They all settled down to watch, but a few minutes later they heard a bang outside.

"Aww, I was enjoying that," said Eggs. They went outside to investigate. Menty had jumped out of the vent.

"It got stuck!" he said. "It kept growing bigger. Said consuming human flesh made it grow extra fast!" But then the vent itself burst open and the monster dropped down. It was bigger than ever before and had many more teeth. Like, it had teeth all the way around its head. It was fucked up. And it was coming right for them.

"It can't end like this!" said Cassie. They were trapped in front of the door to Tomtrek's lab at the end of the corridor. Then they heard something banging on that door from the inside it...

"It won't," said Tomtrek. He hit the door controls. The doors burst open...and a fully cloned Seph came flying out, holding a knife between his teeth. He land on the giant FilthyRecWhore monster and stabbed it in the neck. The monster roared in pain and jumped down a turbolift shaft to escape. Seph turned around, covered in the black blood of the monster.

"Sup?" he said.

TO BE CONTINUED

 

[CaptainWacky]

Dr Dave

Tomtrek couldn't explain why Seph's cloning had worked this time. Seph couldn't explain it either. "I just woke up holding a knife, climbed out of the machine and knew that something needed stabbing," he said. Dr Dave didn't much care. He wondered if Cassie had a plan at all. He was standing on the Bridge waiting to talk to her. Not that she was busy. She was just staring at the Bick Box again...

"Reports of more monster attacks across the ship," said Fuddlemiff. "Nothing as bad as the one we encountered, but Jack, Donovan and 'Gear are locked in combat with several smaller monsters on Deck 12. I can't remember if those three are friends or not, so I can't tell how awkward it is for them."

"CAPTAIN," said Curiousa2z suddenly, looking up from her science viewer thing. "I'm detecting something strange inside the cave on this asteroid..."

"Let me guess," said Whisky. "A big spaceworm thing that looks a bit like a sock puppet. It's going to try to eat the ship. Right?"

"No, nothing like that at all," said Curious. "If my readings are to believed it's a...a micro universe!" Everyone gasped.

"Umm, what does that even mean?" asked Dr Dave. Everyone reverse gasped, obviously wondering the same thing.

"Like this universe, but microscopic," she said. "And all contained within this cave!"

"Kind of like my LEGO map of the universe," said Whisky.

"No, nothing like that," said Curious. "I believe if we were to enter this micro universe, we would shrink down to microscopic size ourselves! And also, becaue it exists in a space outside of our universe, it would not be effected by anything the Bick Box could do to this universe." There was murmuring at that. A universe safe from the terror promised by the Bick Box and FRW, Dr Dave thought. He was interested in that.

"Maybe we should look into it," said Fuddlemiff. "Send a crew down in that ship we captured from Shatna last week. The one that looks suspiciously like The Millennium Falcon."

"NO!" snapped Cassie. "This is all a distraction away from this crew's TRUE purpose: fighting FilthyRecWhore. He must be stopped before he can capture the Bick Box. This is all that matters. I ORDER all of you to stop talking about this exciting micro universe!"

Everyone looked angry at this, but stopped talking. Once the Captain gave an order no one would dare question it twice.

But on this day, Dr Dave dared.

"You can't order me," he said, firmly. "We're not even a real crew! We were all fighting each other to death, hepped up on RAGE GAS a while ago until you cloned us and gave us orders!"

"For the GREATER GOOD, MOFO!" said Cassie. "I need you all to comply to my orders!"

"And then what!" said Dr Dave. "What happens if we do stop FRW? Will you keep bossing us around? Will you use the Bick Box to remove all our cocks and add them to your collection?"

"Just a few of your cocks!" said Cassie.

"How many cocks does it take before it becomes wrong?" asked Dr Dave. "Hmm? A dozen? Twenty? A MILLION? How many cocks does it take, Cassie!"

"He's got a point," said Tomtrek. "None of us chose to join your crew. Some of us just want a certain laptop..."

"IS THAT HOW YOU ALL FEEL?" asked Cassie. Several people nodded. Some looked away. "FINE. We have a vote, RIGHT NOW. The people who want to escape to this micro universe LIKE COWARDS can do so. The real HEROES can stay here with me. SO WHAT WILL IT BE, GRRRRRR?"

"You know my decision," said Dr Dave. "I'm going to this new universe for adventure. And to re-populate it..." He looked at Tisi at this. She spoke next.

"I'm leaving too," she said. "For...reasons."

"I'm curious about this new universe," said Curiousa2z. "In fact I'm curious about everything, from a to z! So I'm in."

"I'm going," said Whisky. "I've already built this universe. Would be nice to build a new one."

"ME TOO," said Pandora Spox.

"And me," said Mirah, who was on the Bridge for plot reasons. "Your precious holographic John Barrowman can take over Sickbay. I'm sure Love Cunt and Love Child will make him welcome."

"I'm going too," said Headvoid. "You have the formula for morale gas now, you don't need me."

"I want to go..." said Tomtrek.

"No," said Cassie. "The Trachtenberg laptop is integrated with ship's systems. You can't leave." Tomtrek slumped onto a chair in disappointment.

"Will there be things to stab in this micro universe?" asked Seph. "Micro things? Then yeah, count me in for a laugh."

"I'm staying here then!" said Loktar.

"Me too," said Eggs. "I believe in Cassie."

"I'm staying," said SAUSAGEMAN. "Want to work on this Toad toture chamber..."

"I'm going back to the water planet," said Menty. "Who knows if this micro universe has water!"

"I guess you're leaving me," said Cassie to Fuddlemif.

"No," he said, surprsing everyone. "I'm staying. You need someone watching out for you, Cassie."

"Good luck with your insane revenge-fuelled mission!" said Dr Dave. And with that, Dr Dave, Tisi, Curious, Whisky, Pandora Spox, Mirah, Headvoid, Seph and Oh My God It's Robbie headed to the Millennium Falcon lookalike ship.

"We can call it the Goose Killer 2!" said Tisi as they got onboard. The mood was optimistic. Dr Dave himself piloted the ship into the micro universe.

"Scans say we are shrinking!" said Curious. Everyone cheered. This was a new beginning, away from Cassie...

As soon as they arrived in the micro universe they were surrounded by ships.

"What the deuce!" said Dr Dave. A voice spoked over the comm system.

"WE ARE THE SPACECOPS," it said. "AND YOU ARE TRESPASSING...IN THE PRISON UNIVERSE!"

"Oh boy!" said Oh My God It's Robbie.

TO BE CONTINUED

 

[CaptainWacky]

SAUSAGEMAN

"I'm telling you, something went...wrong when I cloned you," Tomtrek said to SAUSAGEMAN. "It's not normal to want to create Nintendo characters then harm them!"

"Would you like to burn the soles of Luigi's feet?" asked SAUSAGEMAN.

"See!" said Tomtrek. "That's the kind of thing, right there!"

"Oh relax, I'm only joking," said SAUSAGEMAN. "It's Waluigi."

"ENOUGH," said Captain Cassie, obviously still upset at the rebels leaving. "Have you finished the Donkey Kong on top of the Boogie throwing barrels yet?"

"Sadly I've only been able to create Diddy Kong so far," said SAUSAGEMAN. "And he keeps falling off."

"ENOUGH," said Captain Cassie. "I'll just have to use the Bick Box to destroy FilthyRecWhore once and for all. I'll use its power to erase him from reality."

"Can you do that?" asked Fuddlemiff.

"Well, I might accidentally erase all life in the universe," she said. "But it's worth a shot."

FBI Parte Due walked onto the bridge. "Hey what's going on, half the crew's missing!" he said.

"They rebelled and went to a micro universe," said Fuddlemiff. "Didn't anyone tell you?"

"It's 4:20 in the aftenoon!" said FBI. "I was off the bridge doing what I always do at that time...drinking space gin!"

"Well you're needed here now," said Cassie. "Fly us out of the asteroid field and back to where FRW's big evil spaceship is waiting. I'm putting an end to him right now." The Boogie took off from the asteroid and FBI began to navigate it out of the field.

"Is that wise?" asked Fuddlemiff. Cassie didn't even respond to him.

"You should have overthrown her," SAUSAGEMAN whispered to him. "Made me your first officer. Your first officer in charge of creating actual living Bullet Bills..."

"FRW is right where we left him," said FBI. The big evil spaceship appeared on screen...then began firing missiles again. More and more fighters pourded out of it. All firing on the Boogie.

"That's strange, I thought he'd make another evil quip first," said Cassie. "I just have to concentrate..." The squeezed the Bick Box in her hands. It began to buzz. The whole ship soon began to vibrate. SAUSAGEMAN thought he could feel his very atoms begin to break apart. And then...nothing. The big evil spacehsip was still there and the missiles were still flying towards the Boogie.

"What happened!" said Fuddlemiff, just as the first missiles hit. The ship shook violently and several consoles exploded for some reason.

"It...the Bick Box rejected me," said Cassie. "I don't understand!"

"Could things get any worse?" asked FBI. Just as he said that, the turbolift doors opened and Harkley walked in, carrying someone. He collapsed to his knees. He was carrying Wacky...who now had no feet.

"Why didn't you just take him to Sickbay!" said Tomtrek.

"I hate John Barrowman!" said Harkley.

"Fair enough!" said Tomtrek.

"We have to return fire or something!" said Fuddlemiff.

"It's no good," said Cassie. "This is the end. THE END!"

"Batmobile armour is failing," said Eggs. "We're...wait, another ship is flying towards us. Not part of FRW's brigade..."

"It's a space cop ship!" said Tomtrek.

"Fuck the space cops, in my opinion," said SAUSAGEMAN.

"Do we open the shuttle bay doors or not?" asked Fuddlemiff. Cassie thought for a moment.

"YES, MOFO," she said.

"We can't, they're jammed!" said Eggs.

"It's not heading for the shuttle bay anyway," said FBI. "It's coming right for the viewscreen...GAH!" The space cop ship crashed right through the viewscreen. FBI was almost sucked into space through the hole it had created. He grabbed onto his console, but his fingers were coming loose. SAUSAGEMAN watched for a moment then made a decision. He grabbed FBI with his Zero Suit Samus energy whip thing and pulled him back into the ship. Forcefields formed to plug the hole.

"I...I could have let him die," said SAUSAGEMAN. "Maybe I'm not evil after all, Tomtrek."

"Or maybe you're planning to have hundreds of Pikmin nibble him to death later as part of some sick game!" said Tomtrek.

"Yeah, maybe," said SAUSAGEMAN, impressed by the idea. The door on the left side of the space cop ship opened. SAUSAGEMAN readied his Yoshi cannon...but lowered it when Ishcabittle and Gagh came out.

"YOU!" said Cassie.

"US!" said Ish. "We're back...and we know how to stop FilthyRecWhore!" Gagh opened the door on the other side and thousands of Tribbles spilled out of the space cop car.

"Why didn't that happen when you opened the first door?" asked Cassie.

"Dramatic license!" said Gagh.

TO BE CONTINUED

 

[whisky]

Nice WOK reference.

 

[CaptainWacky]

Tisiphone

They had been in space prison for three months now and Tisi had had just about enough of it. Her cellmate Curiousa2z was trying to get a meeting with the prison warden, to find out what they'd actually been convicted of. At the time of their arrest all the police had said was that they were going away for a very long time. That all humans were to be arrested on site. It was the war. They were the only humans in a prison full of aliens. Some of the aliens had funny foreheads. Some had weird noses. Some were pink. One looked like a table. All different kinds of aliens. Curious was convinced that the warden would listen to her. But over the months Tisi had grown more cynical.

Yard time was the only chance she had to see the others. She talked with Dr Dave, Mirah, Pandora Spox, Whisky and Headvoid frequently. Sadly Oh My God It's Robbie had been murdered by the table alien in their first week inside when he'd put his feet up on it. "That's just rude!" the table alien had said before snapping his spine. As for Seph, no one had seen him in months. They all feared what could have happened to him.

"Has Curious got a meeting with the warden yet?" Headvoid asked, as Tisi sat down for their weekly yard time meeting. He always started with that question.

"Who knows if there even is a warden," said Tisi. "No one's ever seen him or her. Or it. If we want out of here we have to bust ourselves out!"

"Finally a plan I can get behind," said Dr Dave, who had been itching for some action ever since they'd been arrested. "We kill our way out!"

"Or die trying!" said Whisky.

"Boys!" said Mirah. "If we want out we have to make a deal with...The Boss." Everyone looked around nervously. The Boss was another prisoner, one with so much power and influence that he was said to almost run the prison himself. Even the guards were afraid of him.

"It would be hard to get a meeting with The Boss," said Tisiphone. "No one wants to speak to humans."

"Then how about if we disguise ourselves as ALIENS!" said Mirah. "I'm a doctor, remember? If I had some alien blood I could inject it into us and we'd all look like aliens!"

"Well, I'm not a doctor so I can't see a hole in that plan!" said Headvoid.

"And then we kill The Boss and use all the cigarettes people have given him to buy our way out!" said Dr Dave.

"Or just ask for his help," said Mirah.

"Sure," said Dr Dave.

"It could work," said Tisi, after thinking about it. "But how will we get alien blood?"

"I couldn't help over-hearing," said the floor. Everyone jumped up. "Oh, don't worry. I might be an alien that looks like the floor, but I don't mind people sitting on me! In fact, I find it pleasurable. Sexually. Anyway, as a floor I've absorbed lots of alien blood over the years. I could give you fine folks some as payment for rubbing up against me!" The floor squirted some blood at Mirah.

"...did that just happen?" asked Mirah. But she came to accept it quickly and made the DNA potion needed to transform them all into aliens. But Curiousa2z refused.

"I'm telling you, I have a good feeling the warden will meet with me soon!" she said. "And I've managed to get a good game of footie going with some of the pink aliens! The rest of you can break out if you want, but I'm staying in space prsion!"

Tisi had shrugged and gone to join the others. Once injected with the DNA potion they all looked like aliens. Dr Dave turned green. Headvoid ears fell off. Whisky ironically turned into a LEGO brick. Tisi (who had a Klingon forehead now) carried him in her pocket when they met the enforcers of the boss.

"I don't recognise you collection of weirdos," said the chief enforcer. "I'll let you in to see the boss. But if he then tells me to stab you all to death, I'll do so! RRRRR!" He let them enter the boiler room where The Boss had his lair. The Boss was standing with his back to them. He had hundreds of cigarettes and eight packets of Monster Munch. He was living the goodlife.

"Thank you for granting us this audience, The Boss," said Tisi. The Boss turned around.

It was Seph.

"Tisi, when they fuck did you turn into a Klingon!" he said. "And Headvid! No ears? You cunt!"

"What did he say?" asked Headvoid.

"Seph, you're The Boss!?" asked Tisi.

"No shit," said Seph. "Soon as I got here I decided I was going to run this place. All I had to do was chib a few aliens and I was the boss. Turns out they don't have chibbings in this universe. Crazy, huh? Fucking aliens. Anyway, what do you pricks want?"

"We want out of here!" said Whisky. "Three months we've been here! Help us escape. Shawshank us a hole in a wall or something Come on!"

"Why is your pocket talking, Tisi?" asked Seph. "And anyway, I don't know how to escape. I don't actually have any real power. Just a load of cigarettes and a few packets of Monster Munch. It's shit, really. I'm trying to quit smoking."

"Well...that's it," said Tisi, with a sigh. "There's no escape."

"ALL HUMANS COME TO THE WARDEN'S OFFICE AT ONCE!" said a voice. Everyone gasped.

Some guards arrived and took them to the Warden's office. The DNA potion wore off by the time they get there. Headvoid's ears didn't grow back though.

They entered the office to find Curious sitting in front of a computer.

"I told you guys I'd get a meeting with the warden!" said Curious.

"But...where is he?" asked Mirah.

"I AM HERE," said the computer. "I AM WARDEN UNIT 2000!"

"Of course you are," said Mirah.

"BEEP BOOP," said the warden. "IT IS LOGICAL. MY JUDGEMENT IS FLAWLESS. AND NOW I MUST INFORM YOU THAT THERE IS NO CHANCE OF PAROLE. NONE. HAHAHAHAH."

"Why the fuck not you metal bastard?" asked Seph.

"AN ANCIENT PROPHECY," said the warden.

"Stop shouting!" said Tisi.

"An ancient prophecy," it said. "Stating that a human being will one day destroy the universe. ALL UNIVERSES. Even this one. That is why we lock all humans in prison on site."

"It must mean FilthyRecWhore!" said Dr Dave. "Or Cassie..."

"The Cassie!?" said the warden, it's electronic voice sounded surprised. "There is another ancient prophecy...that The Cassie will give BIRTH to this universe. That the universe was born...in a box. But how can this be! How can the universe both die and be born? ERROR, ERROR!"

And the warden computer exploded!

TO BE CONTINUED

 

[CaptainWacky]

Gagh

Being nicked by the space cops was a downer. Ishcabittle had tried to calm the situation down, but they'd arrested him under a charge of "trying to calm the situation down" as well. Gagh did not like space cops very much after that.

But it had also been Ish who'd managed to bring about their escape. He'd had one of Hambil's Tribbles in his pocket. He'd shown it to one of the space cops when they were in the space cop car, flying through space. And the space cop had stroked it.

"WHO'S A CUTE LITTLE TRIBBLE," he had said. " YOU ARE! YES YOU ARE!" This distraction had been all Gagh needed to kick the space cop in the crotch and grab his space cop raygun. They'd stunned the space cop flying the car and taken control of it.

"Right, so this, let's go on the run," said Gagh.

"No," said Ish. "We have to get back to the Boogie. I know vital information now!"

Gagh sighed. "Fine," he said at last. "But I'm not following any orders anymore!" And they crashed through the viewscreen and present the tribbles to Cassie and the others.

"So what!" said Cassie. "It's just a pile of stinking Tribbles! GRRRRR!"

"You don't undrstand!" said Ish. "FilthyRecWhore or Menty or whoever the enemy is now, I've kind of lost track, he bought a Tribble from Hambil. Don't you see? He's going to create an army of monsters using Tribble DNA!"

"That's why there's so many of them!" said Tomtrek. "It makes sense!"

"And now that you know they contrain Tribble DNA, you can create a biological weapon of mass destruction to kill them," said Gagh. "And THAT deserves some fucking thanks."

"Don't swear on my ship!" said Cassie. "I'm still your Captain."

"You cloned me, brought me back to life, but you're not my Captain," said Gagh. "You're my mother, if anything. And I won't tidy my room."

"Urrr, what's gong on?" said Wacky, waking up at last. "My...my feet are gone! FilthyRecWhore ate them!"

"Don't worry, I'll clone you some new feet," said Tomtrek. "Except I'm out of meat. Used it all up on Seph. I guess I'll have to make your feet out of some other substance. Like, say...wooden feet?"

"Can't they be metal feet?" asked Wacky.

"ABSURD!" said Tomtrek.

"Uhh, we're still under attack by FRW's army..." said FBI.

"The weapon of mass destruction IS a good idea," said Cassie. "But our Doctor Mirah just went to a micro universe! And I don't think John Barrowman has the the skill to make such a weapon!"

"A micro universe?" asked Ish. "That's funny, we heard the space cops saying they have a prison in a micro universe..."

"HA!" said Cassie. "SERVES THEM RIGHT."

"I could probably build some kind of weapon," said SAUSAGEMAN. "Perhaps an army of Metroids that kill anything with Tribble DNA..."

"UHH, CAN'T YOU MAKE AN ARMY OF ALIENS FROM THE THE ALIEN MOVIES INSTEAD I THINK YOU'LL FIND THAT'S BETTER SOMEHOW," said Tomtrek.

"No!" said Fuddlemiff. "An army of Zekes from Neighbours! Throw in a few Harold Bishops in gardening gloves too. AN EYE FOR AN EYE, PAUL ROBINSON..."

"Headvoid would make a Dan Dare reference!" said Wacky.

"Uhh, guys, I think FBI's right, we really are under heavy fire," said Eggs. "In fact the Batmobile armour's completely gone!"

"Oh, right," said Cassie. "FBI, take us out!"

"I can't, there's no warp power!" he said.

"DAMN IT," said Cassie. "Filthy Whore, come in! Get us to warp, NOW!"

"I can't!" said Filthy Whore over the comm. "Warp drive is completely shut down! It kept getting shot while you were all making references to things! It was about to breach!"

"DO SOMETHING," said Cassie "THAT'S AN ORDER."

"I can't...wait a minute, the robot's here!" said Filthy Whore.

"SUSIE'S THERE!?" asked Cassie.

"THERE!?'s lots to rage about, apparently," said Susie over the comm.

"She's just insereted her foot into the warp drive...I can't believe this, it's powering back on! It's been fixed!" said Filthy Whore.

"Susie you're a hero!" said Eggs.

"you're MY LIGHT IN THE list of girls who like boys or girls," said Susie.

"MISTER FBI, GET US OUT OF HERE," said Cassie. "ENGAGE!"

The went into warp just as seventy torpedos exploding around them. They came out of warp in a nebula.

"What's that smell?" said Gagh. "This nebula...it smells like...sawdust!?"

"We're in the sawdust nebula!" said Fuddlemiff.

TO BE CONTINUED

 

[CaptainWacky]

Cassie

They hadn't been in the Sawdust Nebula long but the crew were getting restless. SAUSAGEMAN's attempts to create a weapon of mass destruction that would only target Tribble DNA had failed so far. Tomtrek was hard at work contructing metal feet for Wacky, but he just couldn't get them right. "They're too heavy to walk with!" Wacky had complained of the latest pair.

Cassie knew what the crew were thinking. All questioning her orders, her choices. All looking at the Bick Box wanting to get their hands on it. She clutched it tightly to her chest. None of them knew what it was like to be in command.

She saw Gagh lounging about in a corridor as she paced it up and down. She knew he'd do anything to overthrow her. Perhaps...no. She couldn't do that. She couldn't order his death. She couldn't have SAUSAGEMAN run him over in a Mario Kart and make it look like an accident. Could she?

"I'm watching you," said Gagh as she walked by. She marched into her Ready Room. She just wanted to be left alone, but it wasn't long before Eggs and Tomtrek arrived.

"Captain..." started Tomtrek. But he looked scared. His failure with the metal feet had really taken it out of him. Cassie thought of letting him have a look at the Trachtenberg Laptop, just one image...but no. He didn't need any distractions. He'd thank her one day.

"CAPTAIN," said Eggs, more determined. "Have you considered perhaps returning to the micro universe? If we had the extra crewmembers maybe we could find a way to stop FilthyRecwhore..."

"NO," said Cassie. "STOP WASTING MY TIME, MOFOS. GET OUT, GET OUT, GET OUT!" Eggs sighed and left, Tomtrek following. Cassie sat back in her chair. She closed her eyes. She hadn't slept since this whole thing had started. She wondered how that was possible. The Bick Box gave many gifts, she reasoned.

It wasn't long before someone else beeped her door. "COME IN," she snapped. Whoever it was, she could get rid of them quickly. It was Fuddlemiff.

"Cassie, you need to listen to me," he said. "We were...close once, you and I. You must have respected me once."

"Of course I respect you," Cassie said. "I respect you all! You're my friends I...WHAT AM I SAYING. GRRRRR!" It was like the Bick Box had told her to stop. Made her angry aagain. Maybe she should put it down for a while...no. It was the only thing she could trust.

"There's still good in you!" said Fuddlemiff. "I can feel it! Please, if you go back to the micro universe..."

"NOT THIS AGAIN," said Cassie. "I just told those mofos Eggs and Tomtrek that I won't go back there. Those TRAITORS don't deserve to be a part of my crew."

"They're our friends!" said Fuddlemiff.

"They're nothing!" said Cassie. "LET THEM BURN."

"...who said anything about burning?" asked Fuddlemiff. Cassie wondered where that had come from too.

"The only thing that's important is stopping FilthyRecWhore. If SAUSAGEMAN can't make a weapon...then perhaps I can turn the cannisters of morale gas Mirah made into rage gas and turn the remaining crew into killers. INCLUDING YOU."

"You...what have you become!" said Fuddlemiff. "To think I used to...well, I can't even bring myself to say it now."

"GRRRR," said Cassie, getting up. She couldn't even have peace in her Ready Room. She marched out. She marched so fast that she actually left the Bick Box behind. She stalked down the corridor, feeling angry. She'd go to Sickbay now and start work on the rage gas. She thought about those traitors, how they deserved to be in prison.

Didn't they?

She thought about the crew and how she had to be harsh on them for the greater good.

Didn't she?

Suddenly she could hear bagpipe music playing in her head. What was going on? She felt...emotions. She...she loved her crew. He friends.

Cassie made a decision. She turned round on the spot and marched back to the Ready Room. The bagpipe music seemed to get louder. She went inside and found Fuddlemiff still sitting there and Susie playing bagpipe music in the corner. Fuddlemiff looked surprised to see Cassie.

"I had Susie play bagpipe music to make me feel better," he said.

"bagpipe music to make me do a deal with Pie and Ice Cream sandwhich be in October," said Susie.

"I've changed my mind," said Cassie "I'm sorry about everything...we're going back to the micro universe. We're getting our friends back. We'll face FilthyRecWhore united as one. I'm putting this family back together.

Fuddlemiff stood up in shock. "I've never been more proud to call you my Captain," he said.

And then his chest exploded open. At first Cassie didn't even understand what had happened. His uniform was red with blood.

"Your uniform," she said. He fell into her arms. "No, no...Fuddlekins," she cried. She looked up at the person who had done this. Or rather, the robot.

Susie had transformed her hand into a gun. It was still smoking as she smiled cruelly at Cassie.

TO BE CONTINUED