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Post here if you've ever had a horrible masturbation experience

I was once in the woods, furiously masturbating away, when the Virgin Mary appeared before me. She winked, my the blow job gesture, and then disappeared.

I still can't masturbate in the woods, to this day.
 
I know one guy who went for a pre-vasectomy test. He was told to go into a room and produce a sample. He was told it was to check for infections.

he went into a cubicle in the loo and fired one off, came out and handed it to the nurse. She looked at him funny and said something like, "that's great - but can you provide me a urine sample please?"
 
Well, I don't have any embarrassing stories, but I will say I've had to use some creative items to clean up the cum, when I've forgotten a cum towel.
 
Well I got a mind blowingly oh my god Im about to die head ache once, just when I was about to come, then the same thing happened the next few times I tried, eventually I had to just not do it for a week, then it was ok.
 
I remember the second or third blowjob I got was from a very experienced older woman (she was like 30 and I was like 20) and she was so fucking good, kept bringing me to the edge and then backing off, I got so into it I never warned her I was about to cum and I came in her mouth and choked her and she pretty much puked in the trash can at the side of the bed. That was pretty embarrassing.

Only had ONE girl who was better at blowjobs than this lady.
 
I hurt my dick by wanking too much then start wanking again before it's fully recovered and hurt it further. In an endless cycle.
 
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