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Sacrifyx is polluting.

Sir Sacrifyx

Sir Sacrifyx

Sacrifyx Aloysius Bastard I
As I mentioned over at TKR, after years of intense and constant workouts, my fiancee's uterus has been strengthened to the point it can contain the explosive force of my seed without a trip to the emergency room. This benefit has given us the added consequence of requiring several trips to the doctor's office over the course of the next several months as we prepare to welcome Sacrifyx Aloysius Bastard II into the world sometime around the end of October. Feel free to smoke a congratulatory stogie in my honor.
 
I hope it's not black. Wait, I hope it's black.

Wait, it already smokes cigars? AWESOME.

Good shot Mano. Are we sure it's human? You won't be after you watch...
 
Congrats on successfully befouling an otherwise perfectly acceptable female and knocking her up. Since you're new to the impending disaster your life is about to become, here are a few tips:

-Say goodbye to your barhopping buddies now. You won't get the chance later, and what with the alcohol they'll forget you quickly.

-Elmo is the red one. This will become clear later.

-You can't spell "smother" without "mother". Learn this and accept it.

-keep all orifices belonging to baby pointed away from your face, good shirt, suede jacket, nice couch, and basically anything not covered in plastic. Because any of them can and will erupt without warning, sometimes all at once.

-Like Doctor Who's Tardis, babies are way bigger on the inside and have infinite noxious substance storage capacity.

-do not purchase another expensive but fragile object until the kid leaves for college.

-when he or she sleeps, you sleep. No exceptions.

-going "green" with cloth diapers is a WAY better idea in theory than in practice.

And finally, most importantly: there will be unlimited people giving you advice. Go with what works for you. You'll be happier. The kid will be the single greatest thing you ever did with your sorry life, don't forget that.
 
'Gear said:
I hope it's not black. Wait, I hope it's black.

Wait, it already smokes cigars? AWESOME.

Good shot Mano. Are we sure it's human? You won't be after you watch...
Click to expand...

As human as I can make it, but let's not expect miracles. I guess at this point I'm hoping it's born with nothing more weird than a tail.
 
Donovan said:
Congrats on successfully befouling an otherwise perfectly acceptable female and knocking her up. Since you're new to the impending disaster your life is about to become, here are a few tips:

-Say goodbye to your barhopping buddies now. You won't get the chance later, and what with the alcohol they'll forget you quickly.
Click to expand...
Wait...wait, wait, wait...that shit wasn't in the contract.
-Elmo is the red one. This will become clear later.

-You can't spell "smother" without "mother". Learn this and accept it.

-keep all orifices belonging to baby pointed away from your face, good shirt, suede jacket, nice couch, and basically anything not covered in plastic. Because any of them can and will erupt without warning, sometimes all at once.

-Like Doctor Who's Tardis, babies are way bigger on the inside and have infinite noxious substance storage capacity.

-do not purchase another expensive but fragile object until the kid leaves for college.

-when he or she sleeps, you sleep. No exceptions.

-going "green" with cloth diapers is a WAY better idea in theory than in practice.
Click to expand...
That was already the idea - I will not put solid (or less than solid) fecal matter into my washing machine.
And finally, most importantly: there will be unlimited people giving you advice. Go with what works for you. You'll be happier. The kid will be the single greatest thing you ever did with your sorry life, don't forget that.
Click to expand...
Thank you sir.
 
Sir Sacrifyx said:
As human as I can make it, but let's not expect miracles. I guess at this point I'm hoping it's born with nothing more weird than a tail.
Click to expand...

Oh it'll have a tail alright. Did you see the "This exists" thread in Mine Field? BTW Both my kids were accidents. Good thing they're boys because reminding a little girl of that might make her cry.

I hope you have a boy because let's face it - I know you. Boys are harder to fuck up. However, for your wife's sake I hope it's a girl so they can gang up on you.

I can't wait for you to bring back the delivery room report. I felt "I'm full of joy!" and "Fuck this, I'm out of here" in full, equal measures of both at exactly the same time. Still trying to decide which was more accurate.
 
"Sir Sacrifyx" is about to take on an entirely new and unintentionally ironic meaning. Do us a favor, snap a pic of yourself directly after baby is born, when you still have that shellshocked stupid grin on your face. We love to see it on other people.
 
Oh for fuck sake. Does this mean I have to try to get back in to TKR to see the pics?

Say Sac - Any picks of the actual making of the baby? Mostly of your hot wife if you would TIA.
 
What?? You mean Fakesock and Dershocka didn't breath fresh new life therein? This is a huge surprise.
 
cake took a powder, and dershocka I think locked himself in a closet accidentally. The comiconners bailed, and I'm seriously thinking about cutting out the plumbing and selling it for scrap.
 
Yeah, but Flagler can't get in so there's always that um success.

Copper is skyrocketing. There's actually a camera pointing at the tubing in the plumbing section at my local homey depot. Maybe you can get enough for a smelly old book.
 
This one was no mistake, just took a while on account of having to wait for her cervix to heal after every jackhammering I gave her. I'm all for a boy, for one reason and one only - as you all know, when you have a boy, you only have one dick to worry about. When you have a girl...
And no, no pics I'm afraid. The camera's flash is a little too slow to catch me in action.
 
Whoa there, congrats Sac! (And I actually mean it, since I live thousands of miles away from the "Hey can you babysit tonite please"-danger zone).
In the meantime, read up on what is expected from you here:
http://www.reallybadparentingadvice.com/

'Gear said:
reminding a little girl of that might make her cry.
Click to expand...
Nah, for most societies throughout humanity, that has been a given anyway, so acceptance of that is kinda imprinted in our x-chromosome. We get our silent payback, though. It's called PMS.

Donovan said:
TKR is tumbleweed city right now.
Click to expand...
WHOA THERE, stop giving intel to the enemies, will you!?! (Unless you get paid for it. Then I expect my share within 2 days, as usual).
 
@Ily neither Jack nor Gear is my enemy. I am engaging in the time-honored TK tradition of pointlessly stirring up shit for my own amusement. Don't tell anyone.
 
I'm Donovan's sworn enemy, but I was holding of mentioning it until I got him right where I wanted him. Mainly waiting for him to get a few books that I'm after. Then I was going to continue to maintain our comfortable relationship while I saved money for a plane ticket so I could visit with him and then make off with a few choice copies while laughing devilishly and thumbing slowly through the pages all the way back to sunny southern California

It was pretty goddamn brilliant until it all came out just now.
 
Well if you think you're getting your hands on my First edition copy of Bill Cosby's "Fatherhood" now...
 
'Gear said:
What?? You mean Fakesock and Dershocka didn't breath fresh new life therein? This is a huge surprise.
Click to expand...

Sacrifyx: Congratulations!

Gear, I see you're still obsessing. Your school-girl giddiness when you gossip and toss out these fresh and clever little gems is cute. Nice to see you feeling happy and confident.
 
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