Star Wars Episode 8 Script

[CaptainWacky]

A long time ago in a galaxy far, far away.

EPISODE VIII: A DARK PASSAGE

CHAOS! THE DISTRUCTION OF THE REPUBLIC HAS LEFT A POWER VACUUM IN THE UNIVERSE. GENERAL LEIA ORGANA TRAVELS TO CORUSCANT TO MEET WITH AN OLD ALLY AND TRY TO MAKE SENSE OF THIS CATASTROPHE. YOU'D THINK THE FIRST ORDER WOULD BE OVER TOO, WHAT WITH THE DESTRUCTION OF STARKILLER BASE. I MEAN THAT THING MUST HAVE COST A LOT OF MONEY! WRONG! THEY HAVE MORE SHIPS THAN THE RESISTENCE AND ARE PRESSING THEIR ADVANTAGE.

MEANWHILE REY AWAITS AN ANSWER FROM LUKE SKYWALKER AND KYLO REN ATTEMPTS TO FOLLOW IN THE FOOT STEPS OF HIS GRANDFATHER ANAKIN SKYWALKER.​

(SPACE. It's dark. A BLACK SHUTTLE (but a different SHADE of black from SPACE) appears against the space. It travels down. We follow it as it lands on a DESERT PLANET even though in reality it would have taken a lot longer than a few seconds for a shuttle to have gone from space to a planet. General Hux steps out. He is standing outside the old Mos Espa Grand Arena where podracing used to take place. The arena has fallen into disrepair. Hux steps inside and gasps at what he sees. Kylo Ren is sitting in his grandfather Anakin's old podracer. An aged Sebulba is sitting next to him in his own podracer. Anakin's old friends Wald and Kitster are standing at the edge of the track. The skeleton of the two-headed podrace announcer is nailed to a wall.)

Hux: What is this foolishness?

Kylo: I need to do everything my grandfather Darth Vader did, starting with beating Sebulba at podracing! Only then will I be able to finish what he started!

Hux: Which is what, exactly?

Kylo: You wouldn't understand! You're not DARK like me.

Hux: I'm pretty dark! I blew up four planets! All you did was kill your dad.

Kylo: But my dad was REALLY REALLY COOL. Now watch me kick Sebulba's ass!

Sebulba: Please, I'm old, I just want to go home to my grandchildren...

Kylo: SILENCE.

(He picks Sebulba up with the Force and spins him around in the air a few times.)

Hux: That's a good trick.

Kylo: Race me or I'll spin you even more!

(The race starts. Kylo Ren stalls his podracer. Hux giggles. Sebulba shoots ahead.)

Sebulba: This is just like old times! Eat my dust, slimo!

(Suddenly a FUCKING HUGE hologram of Supreme Leader Snoke appears. It fills almost the whole arena. Sebulba screams in shock and tries to swerve out of its way. His podracer crashes into some rocks and he DIESin a fiery explosion.)

Kylo: That still counts as a win! Do the dance!

(Wald and Kitster wearily do a victory dance. Wald falls over.)

Wald: Oww, my hip!

Snoke: KNEEL.

(Kylo and Hux quickly kneel in front of the giant hologram.)

Snoke: How goes your training?

Kylo: I totally won the race!

Hux: He cheated!

Kylo: Yeah, so what, I'm evil!

Snoke: ENOUGH.

Kylo: It would be easier if you could teach me in person. It's funny, in all these yerars I've only ever seen your hologram...

Snoke: You can't see me in person for REASONS, okay? But now it is time for you to move onto the next phase. General Hux, is the new SUPER WEAPON ready?

Hux: It will be, My Lord. And it'll make Starkiller Base look like a pile of shite!

Snoke: It better. I have placed a great deal of faith in you, Hux. Don't let me down.

Hux: I will not fail you, dad! I mean, supreme leader!

Snoke: Hmmph!

(The hologram flickers off.)

Kylo: Haha, you called him dad!

Hux: SHUT UP. You're always picking on me!

(Hux shoots Wald and Kitster dead and stomps off. Kylo looks at them sad then does the victory dance when he's sure nobody is looking. He leaves. We then see that there was one other person in the arena, sitting in the stands: a blind, senile, ancient Watto.)

Watto: Did you win the race, Ani? Hello? Anyone...?

 

[CaptainWacky]

(Rey walks up to Luke Skywalker and holds his lightsaber out. Luke stares at her for a long moment. Then grins.)

Luke: Okay, I'll take it!

(Rey gasps. Luke takes the lightsaber from her.)

Luke: Why are you so surprised?

Rey: I've been walking up these bloody steps and trying to hand you your lightsaber every day for the last eighteen months! Why did you take it now?

Luke: Because the first lesson a Jedi must learn...is patience. Anyway, I'm sure you've been keeping yourself busy in the Falcon with Chewie and R2.

Rey: Yeah...busy...

(Rey wipes some Wookiee hair off her legs when Luke isn't looking.)

Luke: So, what's been going on in the galaxy while I've been here doing important Jedi business.

Rey: Umm, well, the Republic was destroyed. Or four planets in one system. It wasn't really properly explained if that was the whole Republic.

Luke: Oh yeah, I saw that.

Rey(excited): With the Force?

Luke: No, I just looked in the sky and I could see the explosions. That black woman sure looked scared!

Rey: And Han Solo died.

Luke: Yeah, I felt that with the Force. Sad. I guess you guys had a big funeral for him, huh? Real big memorial with all his friends?

Rey: No...no one really mentioned it after it happened...

Luke: Surely Leia and Chewie broke down in each other's arms though, right? That would be so emotional.

Rey: No, Leia just gave me a hug even though we'd never met before that.

Luke: Weird. It's not like she's YOUR AUNT or anything...

Rey: So can you teach me the ways of the Force? Please, mister?

Luke: Sure! I'll teach you how to fight with a lightsaber.

Rey: I already know how to do that. I beat Kylo Ren the first time I used one.

Luke: ...oh. Well, I bet you can't Force Grab! Took me ages to do that.

Rey: Did it already!

Luke: RIGHT. Well, let's get really advanced then. THE JEDI MIND TRICK.

Rey: Yeah, that's tricky...

Luke: Ah-ha!

Rey: ...took me two attempts and nearly a whole minute to master it!

Luke: WELL CAN YOU FUCKING DO THIS.

(Luke kicks the air with his foot, but as he does so Force Lightning shoots out of his toes and blows up a rock.)

Rey: Shiiiiit! But...sin't Force Lightning a Dark Side ability?

(Luke's eyes BRIEFLY flash red.)

Luke: Only if you do it with your hands. It's fine if you use your feet.

Rey: Ah!

(SUDDENLY about FIFTY guys with lightsabers wearing MASKS come jumping out from behind walls and under leaves and stuff.)

Luke: The Knights of Ren! They must have been hiding here all the time, waiting to attack!

Rey: But...wouldn't you have noticed them?

Luke: No time for an explanation, let's fight!

(Luke and Rey FIGHT the KNIGHTS OF REN using their LIGHTSABERS. They cut through the knights fairly easily. Annoyingly the camera WON'T STAY STILL during this ACTION SCENE se we don't really get to see an extended fight. Eventually ten knights are lined up between Luke and Rey. They look at each other and nod. Both Luke and Rey kick the air at the same time and Force Lightning shoots out of both their feet. The Force Lightning meets in the middle of the ten knights and they all EXPLODE. ONE MORE KNIGHT is left, standing at the edge of a cliff. She removes her mask to show she is a WOMAN then jumps off the cliff.)

Rey: ...why'd she take her mask off?

Luke: What's that ticking...

Dying Knight: It's...a bomb!

(The Dying Knight Dies. Luke and Rey gasp.)

 

[CaptainWacky]

(General Leia, Finn and Poe Dameron are in a shuttle together. They are flying high above CORUSCANT. The whole planet is one big city. They can't land because twin-pod cloud cars are flying around them.)

Voice: You do not have permission to land!

Leia: Blast! What's taking HIM so long to get us permission.

Poe: I could just fly around them.

Finn: DAMN! I bet you could! You're one Hell of a pilot!

Poe: Haha, thanks!

(Poe ruffles Finn's hair.)

Leia: No, Poe, but thank you. And thank you for coming with us, Finn. You've been a sturdy ally ever since you came out of that coma.

Finn: We make quite the team!

Poe: Don't forget BB-8!

(BB-8 comes rolling in and crashes right into a wall then makes a cute face.)

BB-8: Beep bloop beep!

(Everyone laughs warmly.)

Finn: I love that little droid!

(C3PO walks in. He has a human flesh arm now, for some reason, but nobody pays it any attention.)

C3PO: I am also here to offer assistance!

(There's an awkward silence. Everyone looks down, depressed. Poe mutters "him?" under his breath.)

Voice: Okay, you have permission to land now.

Leia: Finally!

(They start to descend towards Coruscant. We see that they are landing on a landing platform in front of a GIANT CASINO.)

Finn: I heard about this! Coruscant used to be the seat of the Galactic Empire, but the Republic moved to to some new planets due to the bad memories. And that meant Coruscant could be turned into the biggest casino planet in the galaxy!

Leia: Yes that is what happened.

(The shuttle lands. Leia, Poe, Finn and BB-8 step outside. 3PO starts to step out but Leia stops him.)

Leia: Umm, you stay here and guard the shuttle.

3PO: My pleasure, General! I will guard it to the full extent of my abilities!

(Leia has already walked away from him. The door of the casino opens. A man steps out wearing a cloak. He steps forward. Leia looks a bit worried. The man walks all the way over to her and finally drops his cloak. He has a huge fucking cape on underneath. It's LANDO CALRISSIAN!)

Lando: Why you slimey, double crossing, no good...you've got a lot of nerve showing your face around here!

(Leia makes a "who, me?" motion. Lando looks stern...then laughs.)

Lando: How you doing you old princess, so good to see you! Sorry I missed Han's memorial but things have been busy around here.

Leia: That's okay, we didn't have one!

Lando: So I guess that makes you single now...

Leia: Oh Lando!

(They laugh as Poe talks to Finn.)

Poe: See, Lando runs this casino and he secretly uses the funds to pay for half our X-wings. The Republic paid for the other half. Of course, with the Republic all blown up, we need more money for X-Wings.

Finn: He pays for half? But we only have like twenty X-wings! He can't be giving us much!

Poe: Well those twenty X-wings were enough to destroy a planet sized super weapon. We should be fine as long as the First Order doesn't build an EVEN BIGGER super weapon...

(They all step inside.)

Lando: Of course with the Republic destroyed it's been tough around here. Not as many people placing bets! But I've just done a deal that should keep this place in business for a long time...

Leia: I've got a bad feeling about this...

(A door opens and a Hutt who looks like a young Jabba and is possibly Rotta the Hutt but they'll never mention that in the movie is standing there.)

Hutt: Ho ho ho ho!

Lando: I had no choice, I sold this casino right before you did!

Leia: ...that sentence made no sesne.

(Armed GAMORREAN GUARDS jump out and point guns at our heroes.)

 

[CaptainWacky]

(Luke opens the SECRET ENTRANCE to the underground Jedi Temple and enters with Rey. It's full of ANCIENT LIGHTSABERS made out of rock and other Jedi artifacts such as a statue of someone who looks exactly like Yoda but has a beard and also some ancient Jedi trousers. There is a BOMB sitting on a stone table.)

Luke: Yep, that's a bomb alright! We better get out of here!

Rey: But all this cool Jedi stuff will be destroyed!

Luke: Oh well, can't be helped.

Rey: But this stuff must be super important if you spent so many years here and it took all those secret maps to get here! I thought it would end up having some relevance to the plot...the plot to destroy the galaxy, that is.

Luke: Nah, let's go!

Rey: Can't you diffuse the bomb using the Force or something?

Luke: I don't know how to do that...

Rey: Give me a minute and I could figure it out...

Luke: This is all too slow! Got to keep moving! Quick, over here!

(Luke touches the wall and another SECRET PASSAGE opens. He runs inside in the DARK with Rey.)

Rey: Where are you taking me? What are we sitting in?

(We see LUKE'S OLD X-WING rise to the surface of the planet! It's EXACTLY THE SAME as you remember it except there's now two seats in the cockpit: one for Luke and one facing the other way for Rey.)

Luke: Blast, I can't take off without an astromech!

(R2 POPS into place in the back of the X-Wing!)

R2: Beep biddle dee boo!

Rey: Hi to you too! I'm sure Luke wants to be friends again.

Luke: Yeah, sure, umm...hi there, droid guy.

R2: Boop Deep Wheeeeee!

Rey: He says you seem different! Well, R2, he has been alone on this planet for years, of coure he's changed a bit...

Luke: Wait, you can talk to him? You speak droid?

Rey: Of course! You never learned?

Luke: I grew up on a moisture farm around droids my entire life and I could never understand them! Fuck! Oh, I guess we better tak off before that bomb explodes and kills us.

Rey: What about Chewie?

(We see the Falcon taking off too and Chewie waves from the cockpit then flies away.)

Rey: Oh.

(The X-Wing flies straight into space but suddenly it's in the middle of an ASTEROID FIELD.)

Luke: Poodoo!

Rey: Where did they all come from? They weren't here when I arrived eighteen months ago.

Luke: They must be bits of the four destroyed Republic planets!

Rey: But they were in a different system!

Luke: Asteroids move fast in THIS galaxy!

(They DODGE some asteroids! But then they see GIANT WORMS flying through the asteroid field. Each has a KNIGHT OF REN riding them holding reigns on the worm. The female knight of Ren is there again and she looks straight at Rey.)

Rey: ...how are they breathing in space?

Luke: The asteroids brought some atmosphere with them, of course!

(Luke shoots one of the space worms dead. Rey shoos another with the BACKWARDS LASERS on the backside of the X-Wing.)

Luke: Good shooting, kid! I'm going to bring us in close to one of the bigger asteroids...

Rey: CLOSER?

(They fly closer to one of the bigger asteroids. You can see smashed up buildings confirming it's an asteroid that comes from that planet that looked a bit like Coruscant. The other space worm follows. Luke SWERVES the X-Wing at the last minute and the space worm crashes into the asteroid.)

Rey: I guess that's all of them...

(The female knight of Ren JUMPS THROUGH SPACE and lands on the cockpit. She looks right at Rey.)

Female Knight: Not quite all of us...SISTER!

 

[CaptainWacky]

(Kylo Ren and General Hux are in Hux's personal Imperial space ship flying through FIRST ORDER SPACE. Ren looks bored.)

Ren: FLY FASTER.

Hux: I'm flying as fast as I can! And you can't fly my personal space ship, okay! I'm sick of you HOT DOGGING in TIE fighters too!

Ren: When I master the Dark Side I'm going to make you have such dark nightmares, man. You'll pee the bed.

Hux: That doesn't scare me!

(Hux turns away and looks scared. He turns a HOLOGRAPHIC MAP on. It shows THE ENTIRE GALAXY. It is SPLIT DOWN THE MIDDLE by a big line.)

Hux: As you can see, we now control exactly HALF the galaxy. The remaining half is controlled by what's left of the Republic, the Resistance, the Hutts and the Ewok/Wookiee Alliance.

Ren: I must admit, your STAR DESTROYERS have done well. But half isn't enough! We need the WHOLE galaxy to make Snoke happy and for unlimited power and stuff. And for that either I need to master the Dark Side and finish what my grandfather started...

Hux: OR I need a NEW SUPER WEAPON. And it just so happens that I'm VERY CLOSE to completing that new super weapon. Look out the window!

(Ren looks out the window and sees A THOUSAND of those fat Star Destroyers they have now all lined up in SPACE.)

Ren: Yes yes you have a lot of Star Destroyers, big deal.

Hux: But imagine if they all...COMBINED!

(Ren gasps. He looks out the window at the Star Destroyers expecting them to combine. Nothing happens.

Ren: Err...

Hux: Well they can't actually combine YET. That's the ONE THING I'm missing. But the secret to combining Star Destroyers EXISTS. It is somewhere in the galaxy, hidden! And it so happens that I have heard tale of a MAP which has the location of this mysterious device hat allows spaceships to combine!

Ren: ...how the fuck would you have heard abou tthat?

Hux: I have my ways! Okay, I hired a cool new droid bounty hunter who found out about it for me. You'll be teaming up with him later. Be careful though, he could overshadow you and become far more popular than you because his design is reallyl cool.

Ren: Being cool is lame. People who worry about being cool aren't cool. The real cool people are the people who think being cool is lame LIKE ME.

Hux: So if you're a cool person...doesn't that make you lame?

Ren: Damn you! I'll SHOW YOU how not lame I a!

(He grabs the controls of the ship and SWERVES IT away from the Star Destroyers and towards a space station.)

Hux: No, not again!

Ren: Relax, we have hundreds of space stations that we're not using for anything.

(He flies inside the space station then shoots the power generator which is just sitting out in the open in the hangar bay or something. It starts to explode and Ren RACES to beat the explosion.)

Ren: Now THIS is podracing!

Hux: No it isn't! You just killed a thousand stormtroopers!

Ren: They should have hopped on their speeders and flew out!

Hux: They don't have speeders!

Ren: Anyway, I guess I'll hunt down that map with your robot bounty hunter friend. My grandad probably did something like that once, maybe.

 

[CaptainWacky]

(Leia, Poe, Finn and BB-8 are surrounded by Gammorean Guards.)

Finn: They're pig people, kill them!

(Poe, Finn and Leia shoot several Gammorean's dead. The Hutt gasps in shock and starts crying.)

Poe: Uhh...

Lando: What the poodoo are you people doing! This Hutt is my legitimate business partner! He's helped me out of the jam I was in! And you've just killed several of his closest friends!

Finn: But pig people!

Leia: Why were they pointing weapons at us?

Lando: That's just the traditional Gammorean greeting! What a mess...LOBOT, escort our guests to a secure room while I sort this out!

(A computer generated LOBOT FACE appears on a monitor. He talks in a COMPUTERISED VOICE.)

LOBOT: ATHIRMATIVE. FOLLOW THE ARROWS.

(He makes arrows light up on the walls and our heroes follow them into a locked room.)

Poe: Wait, why did we just walk into a locked room?

Leia: Well, I think it's pretty obvious what's happened here.

Finn: We'll be paying for some pig people funerals?

Leia: Lando has OBVIOUSLY been brainwashed by that Hutt into selling half this place! We need to get his business back for him so we can buy some new X-Wings...and we need to do it with a good old fashioned CASINO HEIST!

Poe: I'm in!

Finn: I'm Finn! I mean, I'm in!

BB-8: Beep beep boople doo!

(Everyone laughs at BB-8.)

Leia: Okay, to start with, Poe you should go up to the top of the city and hang around with the high-rollers in the casino level and see if you can trick one of them to help us with your charm.

Poe: Charm's my middle name!

(He DASHINGLY runs out with BB-8 following.)

Leia: Finn, since you have experience with sewers, you go down to the lower levels and see if you can clog up the pipes or something. I'll stay here and co-ordinate things!

Finn: Seems fair!

(Finn runs out and runs down a few stairs and is instantly in the sewers. He sees a TALL BLONDE WOMAN hanging around there so hides round a corner.)

Finn: That's strange, why would a woman be down here?

(The woman PICKS UP A HELMET and puts it on. She's CAPTAIN PHASMA!)

Finn: I've got a bad feeling about this!

Phasma: You!

Finn: I've been training, I know how to fight now!

Phasma: You fool, I don't want to fight. I want...TO JOIN THE RESISTANCE.

Finn: Whaaaaaaaaaat!

Phasma: Hux and Kylo kicked me out. Said girls ruin everything. I want revenge. And I want it NOW.

Finn: Well come with me then! This'll be great, you and me togehter on the right side this time!

Phasma: Yeah! Just let me get my make-up!

(Finn nods and goes back round the corner. Phasma takes a SECRET COMMUNICATOR out of her make-up.)

Phasma(to communicator): I'm in. He doesn't suspect a thing...

 

[CaptainWacky]

(The female knight is hanging on to the outside of the X-Wing as it speeds through space.)

Rey: What's she talking about? My sister?

Luke: She's probably just lying on drunk on Dark Side juice, ignore her! I'll shake her off!

(He shakes the X-Wing from side to side but she hangs on. He doesn't notice a SMALL PLANETOID in front of them.)

Rey: Look out!

(But it's too late! They crash into the planetoid and the X-Wing skids along the ground. It lands on a LEDGE and Rey and the Female Knight are flung off and both hang on to the edge becuase it's above a HUGE CHASM.)

Female Knight: We will burn together!

Rey: But there's no fire at the bottomof the chasm!

Female Knight: I mean in Hell! My name is Eve'Val and I am your sister!

Rey: I don't have a sister!

Eve'Val: Not LITERALLY your sister, of course! I mean because we were both trained to be Knights of Ren by our Dark Master Supreme Leader Snoke!

(The Imperial March plays for some reason.)

Rey: That's cray! I'd remember something like that! Luke, tell her she's cray.

(Luke is standing at the edge of the ledge watching them both hang on.)

Luke: Well, I can't say for sure...

Rey: But you can. For, you see, I have figured out the truth. Luke...YOU are my father.

Luke: No, I am NOT your father.

(Imperial March again!)

Rey: No. That's not true. That's impossible!

Luke: Seriously, I haven't even had a girlfriend yet. Being the one who brings balance to the Force doesn't give you much time for a social life. Sorry, Rey, I don't know where you came from. I guess whoever your parents were...just didn't love you.

Rey: No...

(Rey lets go of the ledge to drop into the chasm, but Luke Force Grabs her and pulls her up.)

Luke: Suicide? That's pretty Dark!

Rey: I've never faced such internal conflict before. So this is how it feels...

(She runs off crying. When she's gone, Eve'Val starts laughing. Luke picks her up with the Force.)

Luke: Stop laughing...so loud. We don't want her to know we're WORKING TOGETHER.

Eve'Val: Sorry. It's just all going so well. She ran away scared!

Luke: Exactly. And we all know that fear is the path to the DARK SIDE. As is shooting Force Lightning out of your foot, and I've already got her doing that! Our PLAN is working perfectly. Soon we will have turned THE NEW CHOSEN ONE entirely to the Dark Side and our Supreme Leader Snoke will feast on her power.

Eve'Val: I can't believe she believe you when you said you're a virgin.

(Luke grabs Eve'Val around the waist.)

Luke: Some people will believe anything.

(Luke and Eve'Val MAKE OUT. Luke eyes turn FULLY RED as they do. Meanwhile Rey is running. I should have mentioned that even though this planetoid is barely bigger than an asteroid it has normal Earth gravity. Just go with it, okay? Rey trips over something.)

Rey: What now!

(AN EWOK looks up at Rey. It's FUCKING CUTE.)

Ewok: Chkkt chkkt cheep cheep!

Rey: What's that? You say Chewbecca sent you...and I'm in trouble?

(Rey looks up. A space worm BIGGER THAN THE PLANETOID is in the sky and it's about to eat them!)

 

[CaptainWacky]

(Kylo Ren arrives at a SPACE PORT near a BAR on some dirty looking planet. He looks at a hologram of Hux projected from a bracelet on his wrist.)

Kylo: Urgh, I hate having to wear this thing. I hope there's no girls in this space port.

Hux: Girls laugh at you no matter what you wear.

Kylo: SHUT UP. They won't laugh when I show them the Dark Side!

Hux: They might!

Kylo: Where is this stupid droid anyway?

Hux: Don't call him stupid! He's actually really neat. He was going to clear out some Rebel Scum who were hanging around this stinking planet. Watch him in action and learn.

Kylo: I don't need to learn from no mechanical! I hate them!

Hux: ...wasn't your grandfather Darth Vader, the guy you want to be like, more machine than man?

Kylo: Don't act likeyou know about Vader! I'm the one who rescued his mask from Endor, I'm the one who has his spare capes in my closet, I'M THE ONE who found his personal collection of love poetry he wrote to grandmother Padme, so don't act like you know about him, man!

Hux: Sorry! Anyway, the droid should be here now.

(Kylo gets out of his ship. TWENTY tough looking Resistence guys (can't we just call them Rebels?) come walking out the bar. They look at Kylo. He looks at them. They seem to be about to fight. BUT SUDDENLY a blue humanoid DROID rises from a puddle in front of them. He is SLEEK and ELEGANT. His hand transform into GUNS.)

Droid: Hello, scum!

(He starts shooting. He has killed eight rebels before any of them have even reacted. Finally the others pull out their guns and fire back. The droid avoids them by moving SUPER FAST. We see this from his point of view and it's a bit like the Matrix but with 2018 effects.)

Kylo: Not bad, but still pales in comparison to the powers of the Dark Side.

Droid: Ah, Kylo Ren. I recognised your human stench as you stepped off your ship. I have the stench of every human programmed into my data banks. My name is Unit BUGPO5996959HHH444£27-HICCUP38934444. But you can call me BUG for short.

(He continues to shoot Rebels dead while talking.)

Kylo: We must speak, you and I.

BUG: Let's walk and talk.

(BUG is standing facing Kylo. But, suddenly, his FEET SWIVEL ROUND BACKWARDS. He then walks in the direction his feet are pointing, but the front of his body is still facing Kylo. He keeps shooting Rebels as they talk. It looks REALLY COOl.)

Kylo: I could probably do that with the Dark Side, if I wanted to.

BUG: Sure! Anyway, my agent has already tracked down the map. All we have to do is go and pick it up.

Kylo: Why are you helping us any way? Money? What does a robot man like you need with money?

BUG: Atually, even though my creator gendered me male, I identify as female.

(He blows a Rebel's head off.)

Kylo: Female? But you're so...masculine. So strong. Yet so smooth. So sleek. And...female...ahem.

(BUG transforms his gun hand to a fist and punches straight through the final Rebel's chest.)

BUG: It's just how I feel. Anyway, I'll contact my agent and ask for an update.

(A television screen appears on Bug's chest. CAPTAIN PHASMA appears on it.)

Kylo: She's your agent? Eww! We kicked her out of our club!

Phasma: You'll want to let me back in when you hear what I've got to say. Not only have I found the map to the location of the ultimate weapon, but I have found it ON CORUSCANT...and there is a group of RESISTERS here too, obviously looking for the same map, including...YOUR MOTHER, Kylo Ren!

Kylo: My...my mother. I've been waiting to start having dreams about her dying. Perhaps it is time I took matters into my own hands.

BUG: Very good. We will find the map and slaughter the resistance. BUG OUT.

(He turns the chest monitor off. Kylo stares at BUG, almost longingly.)

BUG: I just really love fascism. That's I'm doing tis.

Kylo: Fair enough!

 

[CaptainWacky]

(Eve'Val is stroking Luke's robot hand.)

Eve'Val: They things you can do with that hand...

Luke: Anyway, we need to act chill when Rey comes back. Pretend you hate me.

(Rey comes running back, carrying the Ewok. Eve'Val backs away from Luke.)

Eve'Val: AS IF I'd ever let an old man like you touch me! Eww! Pervert!

Rey: Huh?

Luke: Uhh, she's just lying like evil people do!

Eve'Val: Oh, uhh, yeah, I'm such a liar! That's me! Luke wasn't trying to touch me at all. I didn't mistakenly give that away...

Luke: What are you doing with that furry thing?

Rey: This is Kikichirp. He's Chewie's bonded Ewok partner.

Luke: What the fuck does that mean.

Rey: Oh, I forgot, you don't know about the Wookiee/Ewok alliance. Every Wookiee is now bonded with an Ewok life partner and they can hear each others thoughts. Kikichrip just happened to be fishing on this planet when he got a message from Chewbacca saying that the HEAD SPACE WORM was headed our way. Look up!

(Luke and Eve'Val look up and finally notice the giant space worm about to eath them. Its mouth is opened wide.)

Eve'Val: We're done for!

Luke: We have to use the Force, Rey, we have to fry this worm. Kick, with me!

(Rey nods and does the Force Lightning Kick with Luke, right into the worm's mouth. But it just keeps comimg.)

R2: Beep dee beeple boo!

Rey: You're right, R2. This is the end...

Luke: Unless Eve'Val helps us.

Rey: What? But she's a Dark Sider! We can't do the Force Lightning Kick with her. It will corrupt me!

(The worm's mouth is completely round the planetoid now.)

Luke: We have no choice. It'll be fine! Just think of nice things like our childhood while you do it.

Rey: My childhood was horrible!

Luke: OOPS.

Eve'Val: Just hurry up for fuck's sack I can feel the worm's digestive acids dripping on me.

(All three nod to each other then do the Force Lightning Kick together. The lightning combines into one massive burst of Force Lightning which shoots right inside the worm. The entire worm EXPLODES and they're all covered in slime a bit like the end of Ghostbusters where Bill Murray hardly had any on him because he's the cool one.)

Eve'Val: That felt GOOD.

Rey: I...I...I liked it...

(Rey sinks to her knees. Kikichirp tries to comfort her but Rey PUSHES HIM AWAY as the Imperial March plays a bit. Luke secretly looks at Eve'Val and smiles. He then SHOOTS KIKICHIRP IN THE BACK with a blaster with a silencer attached to it.)

Luke: It is time you learned the truth, Rey. It's time you knew where you came from.

Rey: What do you mean?

Luke: It's time to return to JAKKU.

Rey: Okay...you two can go in the X-Wing and I'll get Chewie to swing by in the Falcon and give me a lift.

Luke: NO. No Chewie. I never liked him. We can all fit in the X-Wing. Eve'Val will just have to...sit on my lap.

Rey: What about Kikichirp?

Luke: Oh, i'm afraid in your anger...you killed him.

(Rey notices Kikichirp's dead body.)

Rey: No. NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

 

[CaptainWacky]

(Finn returns to the room where Leia is co-ordinating things. Leia is holding a ball.)

Finn: What's that?

Leia: Just something I found on the ground.

(Finn brings in Phasma. Leia gasps.)

Leia: Where are you taking that...thing.

Finn: Don't worry, Phasma's on our side now!

Phasma: That's right. I hate your son as much as you do.

Leia: I don't hate my son even though he murdered his father and a load of children and helped blow up four planets and he has that haircut. I have confliced feeligns about him.

Finn: Anyway, with Phasma on our side we'll find a way to carry out our casino heist!

(Poe and BB-8 come running in. Poe is carrying a huge bag with "MONEY" written on it and BB-8 is dragging a smaller identical bag.)

Poe: No need! BB-8 and I just won ten million credits gambling! That's more than enough to buy another ten X-Wings! No super weapon could stand up against that!

Finn: You are the man! You too, BB-8!

BB-8: Wheeple beep beep boo!

(Everyone laughs at BB-8, even Phasma.)

Leia: Let's get out of here! But be careful, Lando will probably have Gamorreans guarding our ship.

(They leave and sneak down the corridor. Some Gamorreans are standing at the end of it. Poe and Phasma nod to each other then brutally shoot the two Gamorreans to death in the back of their heads. Another is walking by, whistling to himself. Finn picks up an iron bar that's just lying about and beats the Gamorrean to death with it.)

Finn: Now that's what I CALL bringing home the bacon!

Leia: Come on!

(They race outside towards their ship. But LANDO steps out of it, his cloak billowing in the wind.)

Lando: What the HECK are you people doing? You'e murdered so many Gamorreans! They're good people, just trying to make an honest wage!

(Everyone looks down at their shoes ashamed.)

Finn: I did think halfway through beating that Gamorrean to death "is this a good thing I'm doing?" but I just ignored the thought and kept on beating...

Leia: Lando, I...wait a minute, what's that on your neck?

(There is a SMALL METALLIC OBJECT sticking out of Lando's neck.)

Lando: It's nothing, okay? Nothing!

(Leia pulls it off his neck.)

Leia: It's a mind control device!

Lando: Ah! Damn! It's all coming back! That bastard Hutt put a mind control device on my neck and forced me to sell him half the business! And all those Gamorreans you killed murdered children!

Finn: That's a relief!

(SUDDENLY the Hutt appears driving in a tank.)

Hutt: Ho ho ho ho!

(He SHOOTS their ship with their tank and it EXPLODES.)

Lando: Come on, there's another ship we can take!

(They run across a bridge towards some other ships. But another ship lands in front of those ships. KYLO REN and BUG step out.)

Poe: Oh no! Stay behind me, General.

Leia: No. I must face him myself on this bridge...

Kylo; Hello mother. And...GOODBYE.

(He ignites his NEW LIGHtSABER. It has THREE BLADES and they're PURPLE but a more EVIL purple than Mace Windu's. But before he can do anything, Phasma steps in front of Leia.)

Phasma: I can't let you kill her!

Kylo: So be it...

(Kylo STABS PHASMA IN THREE PLACE AT ONCE. Everbody gasps.)

Phasma: I can't let you do it...because Leia has the map to the super weapon...

Kylo: Oh. Sorry, should have let you speak!

(Phasma dies.)

 

[CaptainWacky]

(Leia looks at the ball she's holding in her hands.)

Leia: This ball I found contains the map to the new super weapon inside it?

Kylo: Yes! Let me have it, mother, and I'll let you live...for another few seconds. Then I'll kill you.

Leia: Oh you want it, do you?

Kylo: Yes! I already indicated that I do! God, you're so annoying!

Leia: Well GO AND GET IT!

(Leia drops the ball off the bridge. It falls fast down the many levels of Coruscant below.)

Kylo: NO! Wait there, I'll be back to kill you and finish what your father started!

Leia: He was a deadbeat dad. Like YOU'RE a deadbeat son!

(Kylo shakes his fist in anger than JUMPS off the bridge, following the ball as it falls through the air.)

BUG: Wait, can he fly?

Leia: No!

BUG: Luck I can then!

(BUG jumps down after Kylo.)

Finn: That was a lucky escape!

Poe: But if that's a map to a new super weapon, we can't let it fall into Kylo's hands! We need to find that map ourselves and use it to fly to this new super weapon so I can blow it up by shooting it in its one weakspot!

Finn: That's true!

Leia: You need to follow my son and his mechanical friend. But how?

Lando: Take on the twin pod cars, lads!

(Finn and Poe HIGH FIVE then run over to a twin pod car that was sitting right next to them. They get in and fly off together, eaching sitting in a pod connected to the other.)

Leia: Aww, they look so cute together.

Lando: You have to let them realise on their own.

BB-8: Beeple woooo wheep?

Leia: I'll tell you when you'r older! Anyway, we should get out of here before my son tries to kill me.

Lando: We can take THIS ship over here...

(But suddenly THAT ship is blown up when it's shot by the Hutt in a tank.)

Lando: Oh, right, he's still after us.

Hutt: Ho ho ho ho!

(MEANWHILE Kylo is soaring downwards, closing in on the ball somehow. But BUG fies down beside him and grabs him. BUG has ROCKET FEET.)

BUG: You can't do this alone. You have to trust me.

(BUG flies around a speeding hammerhead alien that flies by in his car.)

Hammerhead: Poodoo!

Kylo: Hmm, maybe you are right.

(They CLOSE IN FURTHER on the ball. But before Ren can grab it, Finn shoots at him from the twin pod car that Poe is flying!)

Poe: Yeah, get him, Finn!

Finn: My aim's getting better!

(Finn shoots againa and accidentally blows up a family of Sy Snootles aliens.)

Finn: Uhh, they were probably evil...

(Kylo GRABS the ball in the confusion and BUG tries to fly away, but Poe and Finn follow. They shoot at them and fly in lots of crazy directions at and stuff. They end up back on the top level of Coruscant, just in time to see that the Hutt in the tank has backed Lando and Leia into a corner and is about to kill them.)

Kylo: You can't shoot us AND save my mother and the guy with the cape from that Hutt! Choose now!

Poe: BLAST!

Finn: Let him go. We'll find that super weapon some other way!

(Poe swerves away from Kylo and Bugg so that Finn can shoot the tank. It blows up and the Hutt dies horribly in fire. BUG flies right up to space with Kylo.)

Kylo: I'm supposed to bring this to Hux. But what if I kept it...FOR MYSELF?

BUG: I'm just impressed you're talking in space!

 

[CaptainWacky]

(Luke's X-Wing is flying through space. Eve'Val is sitting on Luke's lap, smiling evily. Rey is sitting behind them looking sad.)

R2: Wheep whoop?

Rey: Nothing you say can cheer me up, R2. Not after what I've done.

(Suddenly the X-Wing is flying over the surface of Jakku. It flies over that crash stardestroyer from the first movie. Remember that? It looked cool. They should have had more stuff like that in the second half. Anyway, they arrive at the home of Unkar Plutt.)

Rey: Why have we come here? He was always so mean to me...

(Luke knocks his door. Plutt answers.)

Plutt: Hello...OLD FRIEND.

Luke: Unkar!

(They HUG. Rey gasps.)

Rey: But...but he's a complete arse. How can you be friends?

Plutt: Yeah Luke's kind of a dick, but I got over and we became good buddies...

Rey: I mean you! You're the arse! Luke, how could you!

Luke: Hahaha, let's go back to the beginning. I found you on the streets, Rey. Your parents had left you there because of your FREAKISH Force abilities. I was training young Jedi at the time, like Kylo Ren and Eve'Val here. Training them in the ways of the Foce. The light side...AND THE DARK.

Rey: What! The Dark? But you're Luke Skywalker! The greatest Jedi of them all, I guess! Why would you train me in the Dark Side?

Luke: Because BOTH the light and dark are needed to be a good Jedi. But mostly the dark. I mean come on, you shot lightning out of your foot. That must have felt pretty great!

Rey: You told me that was a light side ability!

Eve'Val: And you fell for it? Pffft!

Rey: And what about you? What did you mean that you're my sister in the Knights of Ren?

Eve'Val: Easy! Luke created the Knights of Ren.

Luke: That's true. You see, the Jedi just wouldn't cute it in a new galaxy full of new threats like the First Order and those half human/half rancors they have now. The Jedi were already all but wiped out before. The galaxy needed tougher protectors. Protectors who wear BLACK LEATHER and are willing to shoot lightning out of their feet if they need. The Knights of Ren, baby!

Eve'Val: Of course there was one problem.

Luke: Well, yeah. Turns out Kylo Ren liked being evil too much and killed all the less evil knights. The rest of them teamed up with Kylo to destroy the galaxy. So I hid you here with my old friend Unkar Plutt! We used to gamble together then get drunk and run over Jawas. Crazy times.

Rey: But he treated me horribly. Why leave me with him?

Luke: For the final part of your test. You see, because he treated you so badly, you want revenge, right?

Rey: Yes. I know that is not the Jedi way...but yes.

Luke: Then kill him! Complete your trip to the Knights of Ren side! Kill him and we can rule the galaxy side by side.

Eve'Val: And me too.

Luke: Sure.

Plutt: Ha! As if a WEAK LITTLE GIRL would ever kill me!

Rey: Can I...think about this for a minute?

Luke: Sure!

(She starts walking over towards a locked barn to think about it.)

Luke: Uhh, but don't think about it by that locked barn. Go over there.

(She sighs and goes somewhere else. The camera doesn't follow her, however. It goes over to the locked barn. Then it moves INSIDE the barn. A man is chained inside. A man with a long beard. He looks up. It's THE REAL LUKE SKYWALKER.)

The Real Luke Skywalker(weakly): Rey? I sense your presence! Don't trust...MY EVIL CLONE.

 

[CaptainWacky]

(BUG is still flying through space holding Kylo Ren. They arrive at another spaceship and fly inside it. There's a family of Rodians inside.)

Rodian Dad: I can't wait to show you kids Coruscant!

Rodian Kid: I love you, daddy!

Rodian Mum: I love you all!

Other Rodian Kid: Mumm, daddy, who's that droid and man with emo hair!?

BUG: Sorry, your ship was nearest.

Kylo: And unlike my father, I shoot FIRST!

(Kylo Ren shoots the entire family dead. BUG looks sad.)

Kylo: What's wrong?

BUG: I had a family once. A wife, two little droid kids. They...they rusted to death. I couldn't save them. After that, I've always felt bad about murdering children.

Kylo: Wow, I never expected you to have such hidden depths. Don't worry, I didn't kill the family either. I just stunned them. They'll all die anyway when my new super weapon destroys the galaxy, of course. But I'll just tie them up in the back until then.

BUG: Thank you, it means a lot to me.

(Kylo carries the bodies to the back of the ship and shuts the door.)

Kylo: I hope he doesn't check and realise they really are dead!

(He goes back to BUG and takes out the ball with the map to the super weapon.)

BUG: So this is it. Are you sure you don't want to take it to Hux?

Kylo: No. I'll find the super weapon myself and show Supreme Leader Snoke that he doens't need Hux! Then I'll get all of Snoke's love myself. I mean, respect. That's what I meant. But how do I view this map...

BUG: Oh, I see how it works...

(BUG takes the ball and EATS IT. Kylo gasps.)

Kylo: What have you done!

BUG: Don't worry, I was programmed to be able to eat map balls!

(He protects a map of the galaxy out of his eyes.)

Kylo: Ooooh, that's cool. And...wow. I can't believe it. The super weapon is on THAT planet...

(Meanwhile on Coruscant, Leia, Lando, Finn, Poe and BB-8 are standing over Phasma's body.)

Leia: She died saving my life. She was a hero in the end.

Finn: Wait, there's a holgraphic recording chip on her boyd.

Poe: BB-8 can play it!

BB-8: Wheeple wheeple dee!

(Everyone laughs at BB-8. He plays the hologram.)

Phasma Hologram: The time I spent with you peole changed me. I'll admit that at first I was going to betray you to Ren, but in the end I decided to die saving your life instead.

Finn: ...how'd she record this after she died?

Poe: And she was only with us for about five minutes!

Lando: Quiet, a lady is talking!

Phasma Hologram: I also want you to know that I attached a TRACKING DEVICE to Kylo's person when I was standing close to him. You can follow him and end this. And now...gack!

(The hologram dies.)

Leia: Well, I don't know how that worked...but now we can track my son and stop this super weapon menace once and for all!

Lando: We can take my ship!

Leia: But 3PO's still waiting for us...

Lando: Exactly!

(Everyone laughs.)

 

[CaptainWacky]

(Rey is standing near a pile of dead droids and thinking. Out loud.)

Rey: Maybe I should kill Plutt. He beat me every day since I was a child, he used to murder droids and leave them in that pile to make me cry, and he was always hiding from Constable Zuvio for commiting some nasty crime. And I already killed Kikichirp, a pure and innocent Ewok. So what would it matter if I killed Plutt? I'd be making the universe a better place. And yet it feels wrong! I'm so conflicted!!!

(Luke and Eve'Val are looking bored.)

Eve'Val: So is she going to kill him or what.

Luke: I don't know! Probably!

Eve'Val: Do we really need her anyway? The two of us can rule the galaxy together.

Luke: You fool! That is where every other Sith has gone wrong. The rule of two! Pah! THREE Sith is what is needed. That is the Sith innovation I will introduce. Now ssssh, she's coming back. Don't mention that we're really Sith!

(Rey comes back.)

Rey: Okay, I've made my decision. On the matter of whether or not I should kill Plutt. I have made a decison on that matter. And that decision, on that matter, is as follows. My decison is...

(SUDDENLY a huge SHADOW passes over them. A HUGE BLACK SPACESHIP shaped like a SNAKE is flying over them. Luke gasps.)

Luke: That's Snoke's personal ship! The Viper! He almost never flies in it!

(The ship shoots a BEAM OF LIGHT down to the surface of Jakku. It is a HOLOGRAM PROJECTOR and a 100 foot tall hologram of Snoke appears.)

Snoke: Luke Skywalker. Eve'Val. You have disappointed me. You thought you could start a SECOND Order with your Sith ways? No. The Knights of Ren are the only order...the FIRST Roder!

Rey: But I thought you were in the Knights of Ren, Luke! What's he talking about!

Luke: Pay no attention to him! He only uses that hologram because he doesn't want us seeing what he really looks like...

Snoke: Shut up! I know secrets about you...HAND CLONE.

Rey: Hand clone?

(Luke shoots lightning out of his foot into the hologram and it turns off. But HUNDREDS of Storm Troopers come parachuting out of the Viper. They attack. Luke, Rey and Eve'Val effortlessly cut through most of them.)

Rey: I'm killing them all!

Luke: Good. Gooood.

Rey: Wait a minute...these are robots!

(She opens the armour on one of the dead storm troopers to show it was a robot. But this is never mentioned again or explained. A storm trooper hits Eve'Val from behind and is about to kill her, but Rey saves her by throwing her lightsaber through the storm troopers neck.)

Eve'Val: You...you saved me. That's...that's the first time anyone's...anyone's been nice to me...

Rey: Aww, that's okay! Hey, another ship is coming! Maybe it's Finn and Poe come to help me.

Luke: No, looks...Rodian.

(The ship lands. KYLO REN and BUG step out. Kylo and Luke stare at each other.)

Kylo and Luke(at the same time): What are YOU doing here!?

Rey: You! I beat you once before, I can beat you again.

BUG: Not if I have anything to say about it!

(BUG flies at Rey and grabs her and flies away with her.)

Luke: I'm not going to tell you why I'm here! Why are YOU here, on Jakku, the one planet in the galaxy that I happened to come to at this time?

Kylo: The super weapon is here! That's what the map says! But you and apparently Snoke already got here.

(Hux comes parachuting out of the Viper.)

Hux: AND ME. Well done, Kylo. You managed to find a planet we all came to anyway! A planet we already visted in the previous movie!

Kylo: What are the odds!

Luke: Now what? Do we fight? Or TEAM UP and overthrow Snoke/

Kylo: You fool! I have the map, remember! And it says to activate the power of the super weapon...FIVE Dark Side users are required!

Luke: Me, you, Eve'Val, Snoke...and Rey!

Kylo: But where is she?

(BUG drops Rey down a sinkhole. Everyone stares at him.)

BUG: What?

 

[CaptainWacky]

(Leia, Lando, Poe, Finn and BB-8 are flying in Lando's ship. It's pimp af.)

Lando: LOBOT, how long until we arrive at the planet Kylo Ren has arrived at?

LOBOT(computer voice): FIVE OF YOUR HUMAN MINUTES.

Lando: Thanks!

Leia: I hope we can stop this super weapon before anyone gets killed! Maybe it'll destroy a few planets first, just to show how powerful it is, but we'll stop it before it gets anyone imporant!

Poe: I haven't met a super weapon yet that I can't destroy with a few shots from my X-Wing!

Finn: Pew pew!

(Everyone looks at Finn. He looks ashamed.)

BB-8: Beep boop wheee!

(Everyone laughs.)

Finn: He always makes things better!

LOBOT: ARRIVING IN ORBIT OF THE PLANET.

Lando: Okay, let's see what we've got!

(He puts the planet on the viewscreen. Poe and Finn both gasp.)

Leia: What?

Finn: That's Jakku!

Poe: The planet where Finn and I...first me...

(Their eyes meet for a brief moment. Poe bites his bottom lip.)

Finn: AND the planet where I first met Rey! I wonder what she's up to. I wonder if she's still super hot.

Poe: Yeah, whatever.

Lando: That seems like a pretty amazing coincident! Of all the planets in the galaxy, this is the one where the super weapon is located?

Leia: Meh, this kind of thing happens all the time. You know 3PO? Turns out my dad Darth Vader built him!

Lando: No wonder he's such a prick!

Finn: Uhh, guys, I don't like the look of that big evil spaceship shaped like a snake.

Poe: Holy poodoo, that's Supreme Leader Snoke's personal ship! He almost never visits planets in it. This is serious. And we can't get to the surface of the planet without flying past it!

Lando: Don't worry, this ship has a cloaking device!

(A huge CAPE suddenly covers the whole ship and it disappears. They fly by Snoke's ship and land on Jakku. They all get out and find the tracking device lying in the sand.)

Leia: I guess it fell off! HANG ON, I'm getting a headache!

Finn: Me too!

Poe: And me!

(All three fall over in agony.)

Lando: I'm fine! Oh, wait, there it is.

(Lando falls over too. We see A VISION that all four are having. We know it's a vision because the picture is all blurry. We see A THOUSAND Stardestroyers flying around Jakku. All the Stardestroyers then MERGE with the planet and it turns into A GIANT HUMANOID ROBOT the size of a PLANET plus a thousand stardestroyers! We then see this evil construction WALKING ACROSS SPACE and RIPPING other planets apart. Finally we see a map of the galaxy that shows half of the galaxy controlled by the First Order and the other half COMPLETELY EMPTY because the super weapon has DESTROYED all the planets in that half!)

Finn: That was scary!

Leia: But how can we stop this.

Luke's Voice(in Leia's head): By opening this barn!

(Leia looks over at the barn in shock.)

 

[CaptainWacky]

(Kylo Ren, Eve'Val, the Evil Luke Skywalker and BUG have climbed down the sinkhole and have entered a secret underground city which was beneath Jakku all along. But Kylo, Eve'Val and Luke are all lying on the ground holding their heads.)

Kylo: AAAAAH!

Eve'Val: OUCH!

Luke: YEEESH!

Bug: I'm fine!

Kylo: We were having a vision! Snoke must have sent it. We saw what the super weapon will do. Half of the galaxy, copletely dark. It...was beautiful.

Eve'Val: You're so emo.

Luke: Rey would have had the same vision. If she has been turned to the Dark Side, she would have been turned on by the vision and it'll be easier to convince her to help us! Come on, we must find her.

Eve'Val: What's with this big underground city anyway?

BUG: Don't you humanoids know? This planet, Jakku, was once all one big city.

Kylo: Get out! Coruscant's the only planet that's one big city, everyone knows that.

BUG: They got the idea from Jakku! But a great misfortune befall Jakku. Legend says it was something to do with the Dark Side. And all its city fell under the sand. That is the secret behind Jakku's sinkholes.

Kylo: ...why didn't you say any of this before? That information could have led me to conclude the super weapon was here and we never would have had to bother finding the map!

Luke: Quiet! There she is!

(Rey is sitting outside an old shop, looking in its window.)

Rey: This whole shop...buried under sand...makes you think.

Luke: Rey! My young Padawan. Sorry the robot dropped you. It was all a misunderstanding! Did you see the same vision as us?

(Rey looks round. Her eyes are RED now.)

Rey: Yes, my master. I know where I belong now. WITH YOU. In the Dark Side.

Kylo: Damn it! I don't want to find her hot, but I can't help it!

(Suddenly the ground starts to shake. The city starts to RISE UP and break through the sand.)

Luke: It's our combined Dark Side power! It's making the city rise back to the surface!

BUG: That makes sense!

(The city rises to the surface, but when it does, our villains find themselves standing face to face with Leia, Lando, Finn, Poe, BB-8 and THE REAL LUKE SKYWALKER. They were all standing on a part of the surface of Jakku that didn't collapse when the city rose up I guess.)

Rey: Wait...another Luke?

Evil Luke: Aww shit!

Luke: Rey! My...my DAUGHTER.

(Everyone gasps.)

Rey: But you said you AREN'T my father!

Evil Luke: I'm not! I'm an evil clone of Luke Eve'Val created from the real Luke's hand to have sex with! I'm not your father, technically! He is!

Rey: I...I shouldn't have turned dark...

Leia: Come back to the light, Rey!

Luke: Listen to your aunt!

Leia: That's why I hugged you in the last movie and ignored Chewie, because I'm your aunt!

Kylo: Ha! You should know that once someone turns to the dark side they can't just turn back easily!

Rey: It's true!

(Rey shoots force lightning out of her foot, knocking out Lando.)

Rey: I didn't mean to do that! But the evil is flowing through me. Like I'm some kind of dark...passage...

Finn: Could things get any worse!

(A shuttle flies down from Snoke's ship and lands.)

Evil Luke: That's Snoke's personal shuttle!

Finn: Oh, okay, things COULD get worse!

(The door opens and everyone gasps at what they see.)

 

[CaptainWacky]

(Supreme Leader Snoke is standing in the doorway. He looks exactly like Yoda except his skin is red, he has a beard, and he's wearing a skirt. Everyone stares at him in shock. He steps out of the shuttle.)

Snoke: What?

(Everyone starts laughing, even the evil people.)

Leia: Hahahaha!

Kylo: Oh man, I'm sorry...but hahaha!

Eve'Val: You look silly!

Snoke: Blast! This is why I used my big evil hologram for years. I knew people would laugh at me! Is it the beard?

Finn: Maybe it's because you're wearing a skirt!

(Everyone laughs again.)

Snoke: Jude me by my size, would you?

Rey: No, by your skirt!

(Everyone laughs again. R2 falls over from laughing too much.)

Snoke(ignoring them): And well you should not!

(He picks everyone up with the Force and makes them spin around until they're all really dizzy. Then drops them.)

Snoke: I WAS going to team up the Dark-Siders among you and use this planet as a super weapon to destroy half the galaxy like in that vision I showed you all...but maybe I'll just KILL you all myself instead!

(He takes out his LIGHTSABER and ignites it. But, suddenly, THE MILLENNIUM FALCON appears in the sky above. Chewie looks out of the cockpit.)

Chewie: RRRRRRRRR!

Snoke: You cannot hope to defeat me, Wookie!

Female Voice: It is not a HE you will have to fight!

(The Falcon's door opens and MAZ KANATA sumersaults out. She lands on her feet right in front of Snoke and takes out HER OWN LIGHTSABER. It is GREEN.)

Snoke: What!

Maz: Strong in the force AM I!

Rey: Maz? You were a Jedi all along?

Maz: I tried to hide from my true destiny but YES I was actually a Jedi all along. I knew Yoda, back in the day. Knew him...very well, you could say. In fact I knew him...intimately.

Leia: Eww.

Luke: Umm, I'm Luke Skywalker, I probably could have beaten Snoke, really.

Maz: We can't take that chance! YIIIIIII!

(Maz flies into action against Snoke. They both bounce around all over the place swinging their lightsabers. Everyone else just kind of watches.)

Evil Luke: This changes nothing! We can still use the super weapon if Luke turns to the Dark Side!

Luke: NAH.

(Luke and Evil Luke start fighting.)

Leia: You know, I'm strong in the Force too. Everyone just forgets it. Even me. Why does no one ever try to turn ME evil?

Kylo: You're too LAME to turn evil, MOM. Not like Rey. She's cool. And hot!

Leia: She's your cousin!

Kylo: I'm dark! I don't care! I'd totally do it with her! And she's evil now, look at her eyes.

Rey: It's true. Nothing could turn me good now.

(The Falcon lands. Chewie comes out but then KIKICHIRP THE EWOK carthweels out and jumps right at Rey to hug her.)

Rey: KIKICHIRP!

(Her eyes go back to normal.)

Kylo: Blast it!

 

[CaptainWacky]

(Rey and Kikchirp are still hugging.)

Finn: Aww.

Poe: Makes me want to have a child of my own some day.

(He looks at Finn with the side of his eyes and bites his lip.)

Rey: But I thought you were dead! I thought I killed you!

Kikichirp: Nub bub rrrrrr!

Rey: What's that, Kikichirp? You say that it was actually Evil Luke who shot you when I wasn't looking? And that the reason you didn't die is because of your genetic bond with Chewie, which means neither of you can die while the other is still alive? So Chewie found you in the Falcoln and brought you here to hug me back into the light? That explains everything!

Kylo: Gah! You're so LAME now, Rey! I should just kill you! BUT, instead, I'm going to find the super weapon core and turn this planet into a super weapon ALL BY MYSELF.

Leia: You stupid kid, you said it takes five Dark Side users to turn this planet into a super weapon.

Kylo: That just means I can only turn it into a super weapon one fifth the size! But a FIFTH of a thousand Stardestroyers is still two hundred and fifty stardestroyers!

Hux: Actually, it's two hundred Stardestroyers.

Kylo: Shut up, NERD. Where you come from anyway?

Hux: I came to see if you want a lift back to the Viper to collect your special TIE Fighter then you can fly into the planet's core and activate the super weapon.

Kylo: Oh! Thanks! LET'S GO.

Lando: Uhh, why are we just standing here listening to this? Shouldn't we stop them.

Rey: I'll stop him.

(She ignites her lightsaber and runs toards Kylo Ren. But EVE'VAL jumps out from behind a space bin and ignites her evil lightsaber, stopping Rey.)

Eve'Val: I live to serve the Dark Side, you Ewok-hugging bitch!

(Kylo pushes everyone else back with the Force and jumps into Hux's shuttle and flies off.)

Poe: Damn it! I guess the only way to stop him is for me to find an X-Wing somewhere on this planet and find a weakness in the planet then BLOW THE PLANET UP.

Finn: Or you could just shoot down Kylo.

Poe: My way is better.

Finn: I want to come with you.

Poe: You won't fit in my X-Wing! That space is for BB-8!

BB-8: Beep beep whistle!

(No one laughs at BB-8 because there's too much other shit going on.)

Finn: But I want to go with you. I have things to say to you...important things. And I haven't really done much in this movie.

Poe: You can help by taking care of things here. Then we'll talk...

(And random Stormtrooper with a sword runs up to Finn.)

Random Stormtrooper: DOUBLE TRAITOR!

(Finn nods and jumps into battle, though we don't actually see the fight because we just put this part in for the internet fans. We cut to Maz and Snoke who are now fighting on top of Snoke's ship, with no explanation as to how they got up there.)

Snoke: One shall stand, one shall fall.

Maz: Men FALL for me all the time!

(They fight so fast that they become a blur. We cut between this and Luke and Evil Luke fighting in a sinkhole and to Rey and Eve'Val fighting up the side of a building. The cuts become so fast that we only spend literally two seconds on each fight before cutting to another. It's FUCKING COOL.)

 

[CaptainWacky]

(Poe finds an X-Wing just sitting there in Jakku city. It's an OLD X-Wing so it has that DIRTY LIVED-IN feel that of an old spaceship, but also it looks pretty much like a regular X-Wing because we don't want to confuse the audience too much. Poe and BB-8 get in just as Kylo's TIE fighter flies over. They take off and follow him. Kylo finds a bit HOLE IN THE PLANET and flies into it. There's a GLOWING BALL at the centre of the planet and Kylo is flying right for it.)

BB-8: Beep whee boo!

Poe: You're right! This is suicide! Get Kylo Ren on the radio for me!

(BB-8 somehow puts Poe through to Kylo.)

Poe: Kylo Ren you maniac, you're going to kill yourself!

Kylo: So what! Life is PAIN anyway. If I want to be like my grandfather Darth Vader I have to die like he did too!

Poe: That's dumb! You'll just be dead!

Kylo: No, I'll be REBORN. After I fly into this glowing ball, I'll be able to WEAR this planet AND the two hundred Stardestroyers as a HUGE ROBOT SUIT and I'll destroy half the galaxy with it, okay? Now shut up, I need to keep flying!

Poe: He's nuts! BB-8, who else can we call for help?

(CUT TO Rey and Eve'Val fighting.)

Rey: This isn't cool, Eve'Val. Girls shouldn't fight each other. The Dark Side isn't strong than GIRL POWER!

Eve'Val: Yes it is!

(Eve'Val JUMPS at Rey but Rey pulls her lightsaber up, cutting Eve'Val in TWO. Both sides of Eve'Val fall down and BUG is standing behind her.)

Rey: Do I have to kill you too, whoever you are?

BUG: No. I just got a message on my internal radio. Kylo Ren is going to kill himself and Poe can't catch him in time. But I can fly FASTER than an X-Wing!

(He scoops Rey up and akesoff. He flies down the big hole and easily overtakes Poe's X-Wing.)

Rey: Wait, why didn't Poe just shoot Kylo down?

(BUG ignores her and drops Rey on top of the TIE. She cuts it up and jumps inside.)

Rey: Kylo, this is crazy! You don't know if flying into that glowing ball will give you a cool planet-sized robot suit.

Kylo: I just...I just need to be special. You wouldn't understand. You're special without even trying. And hot.

Rey: Stop calling me hot, we're cousins, it's weird. And maybe I'm special BECAUSE I don't try?

Kylo: Maybe...or maybe if I crash us BOTH into the glowing ball I'll take your power, HAHAHAHA!

(He tries to steer them into the glowing ball but Rey punches him in the throat and he goes unconscious.)

BUG: Good punch! I'll take him out of here!

Kylo: Thank you.

BUG: I didn't do it for you...

(He flies off with Kylo. Rey turns the TIE around and starts to fly out.)

Poe: The only way to be sure this will never happen again...is to blow up the planet!

(He shoots the glowing ball with his X-Wing and that starts a chain reaction which will blow up the planet I guess. He and Rey race to outrun the fire. On the surface the ground is shaking. Luke stabs Evil Luke through the eye with his lightsaber. Everyone runs for ships to get off the planet. Snoke looks down and Maz kicks him off his ship and he falls towards the planet's surface.)

Snoke: NOOOOOOO!

Maz: That was for you, Yoda.

(Yoda's Force ghost appears beside her and holds her hand. They both walk away somewhere.)

Lando: Everyone into the Falcon! Hey, who are you?

Hux(wearing a hat as a disguise): Uhh, I'm one of the Resistance! I hate those First Order creeps! Boo!

Lando: Okay, just get in!

(The Falcon takes off and we see it, Poe's X-Wing and Rey's TIE escape the planet JUST as it explodes.)

Finn: ...what about all the people who lived there?

Leia: Well, that must be the end of The First Order now. But just to be sure, Rey and Poe, I'm sending you on a special mission to hunt down the remaining First Order troopers and KILL THEM.

(Leia's eyes BRIEFLY flash red.)

Finn: Can I go with Poe? We had stuff to talk about...

Leia: Not until the third movie!

Luke: It's good to see you again, sister. I have much to explain.

(Leia slaps him.)

Leia: I have nothing to say to you, Luke. I think you know why.

(She walks away and Luke looks sad.)

Rey: Well, I guess I'm going hunting in a TIE fighter! I would have liked to have a conversation with the real Luke, my real father, but I guess we have to keep things moving! MAY THE FORCE BE WITH YOU, FATHER.

(The final shot is Rey and Poe flying towards a sun for some reason.)

MID CREDITS SCENE

(Kylo wakes up in bed.)

Kylo: That was...unexepcted.

(We see BUG lying in bed next to him smoking a deathstick.)

BUG: I had sex with your grandfather too that's my shocking secret.

AFTER CREDITS SCENE

(3PO is still waiting for his friends on Coruscant.)

3PO: I'll give them five more minutes...

THE END

 

[CaptainWacky]

BUMP!