CaptainWacky
I want to smell dark matter
I sit down on the same seat I always do on the bus, Jamie sits beside me. Jamie is imaginary by the way, he doesn't exist. Just thought I'd get that out of the way now, I really can't be bothered making it a shocking plot twist later. He says "why do you always sit here" and I say "because it's easy, obviously." That's the reason why I do anything I do.
A woman gets on the bus. Old. I don't look at her. Jamie smiles knowingly.
"Scared she'll smile at you?"
"Shut up," I say. Not out loud, you understand, I'm not crazy.
"You woudn't know what to do," he says, shaking his head.
"I never know what to do. I thought you'd know that by now," I say, wanting now to make him go away. The bus starts. I see a man running, wanting on the bus. I don't think the driver's seen him. I could say something, tell the driver to stop. I don't.
"You asshole!" says Jamie.
"Easier to say nothing," I explain, not apologetically.
I make him go away but then it starts to feel like I don't exist anymore myself, being that I'm all alone on a bus being dragged somewhere I don't want to go, so I make him come back.
"Can't live without me, can you?" he says.
"I only exist when I'm interacting with someone, even someone I've invented," I rationalise.
"Talk to someone real then!" he says, as if that would be possible.
"Shut up," I say.
"You already said that once," he says, shaking his head in exactly the same way as before, then tutting. "Learn some more words."
"SHUT UP." The bus stops. Young people get on. Oh no. They sit right behind me. They don't say anything but I can hear stiffled laughter.
"Aye ya cunt!" one says. At me?
"Of course it's at you! Turn around and tell them to fuck off!" says Jamie, spilling for a fight. I act like I didn't hear it, from either of them.
"Aye, so Mickey went to that cunt's house and this other cunt came over and he was like 'aye ya cunt, you're a cunt sir!' you know, giving him lip and all that, so Mickey like kicked his cunt in!" he continues.
"See, just a delightful story," I tell Jamie. I'm sweating, bad. My face must have went all red. I want to be out of here. Not just the bus, but this life.
"It's the only life you've got," says Jamie.
"Well it's not good enough. My day off work and I'm going into the dentist," I say. "That's life. Being stuck on a bus with ignorant swearing scum, then home to do nothing but lie on my bed wondering where it all went wrong, until it's tomorrow and I'm in work again, bored senseless, so lonely it hurts but avoiding talking to anyone because I can't handle it. THAT'S LIFE." I nearly said the last two words out loud.
"Yep," says Jamie, simply, then sits back, waiting. And so do I. We wait for a while. The inarticulate kids behind us are both playing on their phones.
"Eww, I got a text from that chink bitch, see?"
"Fucking delete it man, or she'll make you smell her cunt!" I actually laugh a little at the ridiculousness of this, then I'm worried that they heard.
"They're not paying any attention to you," says Jamie. "No one is." More waiting. But it doesn't matter how long it seems we're waiting for, the bus will always get there in the end, and then it'll seem like no time at all has passed.
"Doesn't matter how long life is, you still die," I say.
"Cheery," says Jamie. We get up, it's our stop. There's a girl getting on. Cute. I make eye contact for a second then look away as fast as I can, flushed with embarrassment. The two boys are behind.
"Fucking hell man I'd give her one!" I hear one say. The girl is right in front of me.
"Smile at her," says Jamie and I nearly do it without thinking, then stop myself. Then do it anyway. But the moment's hesitation cost me, she's already passed.
"Mighty fine!" I hear one of them say.
"She brushed against my cock with her cunt!" I hear the other say. I want to turn around and beat the crap out of both of them. I get off the bus. The wind takes me by surprise. I try to fix my hair.
"Your hair's fine," Jamie sighs.
"Just leave me," I say.
"You won't exist," he says.
"Good," I say and just like that he's gone. I walk on to the dentist's, no more imaginary friends. People are all around me, their eyes burning through me whenever I cross their line of sight, laughing and enjoying themselves. What's to enjoy? This isn't what I signed up for. This wasn't supposed to be what life was like. I go into the dentist's.
"I've got an appointment with Doctor Crane," I say, listlessly.
"Oh, I'm sorry, but he's taken ill, he's not in today," says the receptionist.
"Oh, really?" I say, then just stand there.
"Err, yeah, we did phone everyone who had an appointment with him," she says.
"Oh," I say. I remember the phone ringing before I went out. I didn't answer it because I hate talking on the phone. I see Jamie standing behind the desk, encouraging me to say something else. "Can't someone else see me?" I ask.
"No, sorry," says the receptionist. And that's it.
"Guess we're going home," says Jamie. I wander back out into the street. I really could throw myself in front of a car, couldn't I? It would all by over. The repetitive hell which is my life would be over. And I would be...well, I wouldn't be. I think about it. I expect Jamie to try to talk me out of it or even to encourage me to do it (I can never quite tell if he's on my side or not) but he says nothing. I go to the bus stop. The two kids from the bus are coming out of a shop near it.
"That guy's going home already, haha!" one says. "Here man look at his face!"
"What's the matter, ya cunt?" asks another in a mock concerned voice. I realise that I'm crying. "You're crying man, that's shocking!"
"FUCK OFF!" I bellow. Jamie appears, applauding wildly. They look at each other, I don't take my eyes off them. Then they walk away, laughing.
"That cunt's a nutter!" one is saying.
"Nutty crying cunt man!" says the other. I wait for my bus.
"There," says Jamie. "You felt like you existed without me. Try to keep it up." The bus arrives fast, I get on, sit down in my usual seat, and look around for people to shout at. There aren't any. "Maybe you should try something else," suggests Jamie. Taking my self by disguise, I reach into my trousers and start stroking my penis. I take it out and begin masturbating right there on the bus.
"You can't do that!" says an outraged old guy, sitting across from me.
"Fuck off you cunt!" I say, picking up speed.
A woman gets on the bus. Old. I don't look at her. Jamie smiles knowingly.
"Scared she'll smile at you?"
"Shut up," I say. Not out loud, you understand, I'm not crazy.
"You woudn't know what to do," he says, shaking his head.
"I never know what to do. I thought you'd know that by now," I say, wanting now to make him go away. The bus starts. I see a man running, wanting on the bus. I don't think the driver's seen him. I could say something, tell the driver to stop. I don't.
"You asshole!" says Jamie.
"Easier to say nothing," I explain, not apologetically.
I make him go away but then it starts to feel like I don't exist anymore myself, being that I'm all alone on a bus being dragged somewhere I don't want to go, so I make him come back.
"Can't live without me, can you?" he says.
"I only exist when I'm interacting with someone, even someone I've invented," I rationalise.
"Talk to someone real then!" he says, as if that would be possible.
"Shut up," I say.
"You already said that once," he says, shaking his head in exactly the same way as before, then tutting. "Learn some more words."
"SHUT UP." The bus stops. Young people get on. Oh no. They sit right behind me. They don't say anything but I can hear stiffled laughter.
"Aye ya cunt!" one says. At me?
"Of course it's at you! Turn around and tell them to fuck off!" says Jamie, spilling for a fight. I act like I didn't hear it, from either of them.
"Aye, so Mickey went to that cunt's house and this other cunt came over and he was like 'aye ya cunt, you're a cunt sir!' you know, giving him lip and all that, so Mickey like kicked his cunt in!" he continues.
"See, just a delightful story," I tell Jamie. I'm sweating, bad. My face must have went all red. I want to be out of here. Not just the bus, but this life.
"It's the only life you've got," says Jamie.
"Well it's not good enough. My day off work and I'm going into the dentist," I say. "That's life. Being stuck on a bus with ignorant swearing scum, then home to do nothing but lie on my bed wondering where it all went wrong, until it's tomorrow and I'm in work again, bored senseless, so lonely it hurts but avoiding talking to anyone because I can't handle it. THAT'S LIFE." I nearly said the last two words out loud.
"Yep," says Jamie, simply, then sits back, waiting. And so do I. We wait for a while. The inarticulate kids behind us are both playing on their phones.
"Eww, I got a text from that chink bitch, see?"
"Fucking delete it man, or she'll make you smell her cunt!" I actually laugh a little at the ridiculousness of this, then I'm worried that they heard.
"They're not paying any attention to you," says Jamie. "No one is." More waiting. But it doesn't matter how long it seems we're waiting for, the bus will always get there in the end, and then it'll seem like no time at all has passed.
"Doesn't matter how long life is, you still die," I say.
"Cheery," says Jamie. We get up, it's our stop. There's a girl getting on. Cute. I make eye contact for a second then look away as fast as I can, flushed with embarrassment. The two boys are behind.
"Fucking hell man I'd give her one!" I hear one say. The girl is right in front of me.
"Smile at her," says Jamie and I nearly do it without thinking, then stop myself. Then do it anyway. But the moment's hesitation cost me, she's already passed.
"Mighty fine!" I hear one of them say.
"She brushed against my cock with her cunt!" I hear the other say. I want to turn around and beat the crap out of both of them. I get off the bus. The wind takes me by surprise. I try to fix my hair.
"Your hair's fine," Jamie sighs.
"Just leave me," I say.
"You won't exist," he says.
"Good," I say and just like that he's gone. I walk on to the dentist's, no more imaginary friends. People are all around me, their eyes burning through me whenever I cross their line of sight, laughing and enjoying themselves. What's to enjoy? This isn't what I signed up for. This wasn't supposed to be what life was like. I go into the dentist's.
"I've got an appointment with Doctor Crane," I say, listlessly.
"Oh, I'm sorry, but he's taken ill, he's not in today," says the receptionist.
"Oh, really?" I say, then just stand there.
"Err, yeah, we did phone everyone who had an appointment with him," she says.
"Oh," I say. I remember the phone ringing before I went out. I didn't answer it because I hate talking on the phone. I see Jamie standing behind the desk, encouraging me to say something else. "Can't someone else see me?" I ask.
"No, sorry," says the receptionist. And that's it.
"Guess we're going home," says Jamie. I wander back out into the street. I really could throw myself in front of a car, couldn't I? It would all by over. The repetitive hell which is my life would be over. And I would be...well, I wouldn't be. I think about it. I expect Jamie to try to talk me out of it or even to encourage me to do it (I can never quite tell if he's on my side or not) but he says nothing. I go to the bus stop. The two kids from the bus are coming out of a shop near it.
"That guy's going home already, haha!" one says. "Here man look at his face!"
"What's the matter, ya cunt?" asks another in a mock concerned voice. I realise that I'm crying. "You're crying man, that's shocking!"
"FUCK OFF!" I bellow. Jamie appears, applauding wildly. They look at each other, I don't take my eyes off them. Then they walk away, laughing.
"That cunt's a nutter!" one is saying.
"Nutty crying cunt man!" says the other. I wait for my bus.
"There," says Jamie. "You felt like you existed without me. Try to keep it up." The bus arrives fast, I get on, sit down in my usual seat, and look around for people to shout at. There aren't any. "Maybe you should try something else," suggests Jamie. Taking my self by disguise, I reach into my trousers and start stroking my penis. I take it out and begin masturbating right there on the bus.
"You can't do that!" says an outraged old guy, sitting across from me.
"Fuck off you cunt!" I say, picking up speed.
