CaptainWacky
I want to smell dark matter
"They call me Johnny Sex!" he said to the unimpressed girl. No one ever had. "Can I buy you a drink?" he asked.
"I don't know, why don't you try and see if you can," she said, rolling her eyes to her friend who laughed.
"All right!" said Johnny Sex. And he bought her a drink.
"Thanks," she said, then started talking about the latest episode of Ugly Betty to her friend. Johnny just sat there, waiting for her to turn around and talk to him. She never did. He quietly walked away from the bar. He nearly walked into two girls.
"Oops, sorry ladies, we nearly bumped uglies there!" he said. "We still could if you want to," he winked. They shook their heads.
"Loser," he heard one of them say. Johnny didn't understand. His friends has always told him to be more confident. Just go to a club, flirt with girls. You have to start sometime. It'll go better than you expect. It was going worse.
Much, much worse.
He went outside for some fresh air. He heard a strange noise. He went to investigate.
A man with a green face was strangling a cat.
"Hey, you...you can't do that!" said Johnny, noticing now the man was taller than him. Two feet taller than him. And he wasn't wearing a mask or anything, he really did have a green face.
"I AM THE UNIVERSE, JONATHAN SAXONDALE," said the green man without moving his lips. Billy tried to back away. He couldn't move. He tried to shout for help. Nothing came out. He also noticed that the alley they had been standing in was gone. There was just him, the Universe and the cat. The Universe threw the cat away. Now there was just Johnny and the Universe.
"I don't understand!" Johnny got out after what seemed like an eternity. He weeped. The Universe offered no comfort.
"EVERYONE MUST FACE JUDGMENT, JONATHAN, EVERYONE," said the Universe. "YOU WERE NEXT ON MY LIST, AFTER THE CAT. THAT IS WHY YOU CAME TO ME."
"You killed the cat!" said Johnny.
"IT HAD WASTED ITS LIFE," said the Universe.
"It was a cat!"
"BUT STILL."
"I'm only 23!" said Johnny. "I need more time!"
"YOU HAVE MORE TIME THAN MANY GET AND I CAN SEE ALL YOUR POSSIBLE FUTURES," said the Universe. "YOU HAVE BEEN JUDGED AND FOUND WANTING. YOU WILL DIE, JONATHAN SAXONDALE. YOU WILL DIE A VIRGIN."
"Please, I'll change my life, I'll...go to africa, work with sick black kids, anything!" said Johnny.
"YOU DO NOT PLACE VALUE ON SUCH THINGS," said the Universe.
"I do now!" cried Johnny.
"YOU ARE JUDGED BY YOUR OWN STANDARDS. YOU WISH TO ENGAGE IN CONESNTUAL SEXUAL ACTIVITIES WITH THE FEMALE MEMBERS OF YOUR SPECIES. YOU HAVE FAILED. YOU WILL DIE."
"This is insane!" protested Johnny, reasonably.
"THE UNIVERSE IS INSANE," said the Universe and it reached out its hands. Then something which surprised Johnny Sex happened. The cat jumped right ont the Universe's neck, scratching and biting. It hand't died. Johnny could move again. He was back in the alley. He ran without looking back. He ran into the club. Right into a girl.
"Ouch!" she said.
"Sorry, yeah, we banged uglies I guess," said Johnny, naturally distracted.
"We...hehe," she laughed. "I'm Susan," she said, thinking what the hell, he's better looking than half the guys in the club.
"I'm Johnny," he said. "Johnny...just Johnny. And I believe I have the power to buy you a drink." A strange thing was happening. His memory of the Universe was fading. His memory of even the fear was fading. As Johnny walked to the bar he passed a man wearing a green mask.
"I'll give you another few years," the man said, though it wasn't clear if he was talking to Johnny or indeed to anyone. Johnny shrugged. Maybe his friends had been right. It didn't seem so hard after all.
"I don't know, why don't you try and see if you can," she said, rolling her eyes to her friend who laughed.
"All right!" said Johnny Sex. And he bought her a drink.
"Thanks," she said, then started talking about the latest episode of Ugly Betty to her friend. Johnny just sat there, waiting for her to turn around and talk to him. She never did. He quietly walked away from the bar. He nearly walked into two girls.
"Oops, sorry ladies, we nearly bumped uglies there!" he said. "We still could if you want to," he winked. They shook their heads.
"Loser," he heard one of them say. Johnny didn't understand. His friends has always told him to be more confident. Just go to a club, flirt with girls. You have to start sometime. It'll go better than you expect. It was going worse.
Much, much worse.
He went outside for some fresh air. He heard a strange noise. He went to investigate.
A man with a green face was strangling a cat.
"Hey, you...you can't do that!" said Johnny, noticing now the man was taller than him. Two feet taller than him. And he wasn't wearing a mask or anything, he really did have a green face.
"I AM THE UNIVERSE, JONATHAN SAXONDALE," said the green man without moving his lips. Billy tried to back away. He couldn't move. He tried to shout for help. Nothing came out. He also noticed that the alley they had been standing in was gone. There was just him, the Universe and the cat. The Universe threw the cat away. Now there was just Johnny and the Universe.
"I don't understand!" Johnny got out after what seemed like an eternity. He weeped. The Universe offered no comfort.
"EVERYONE MUST FACE JUDGMENT, JONATHAN, EVERYONE," said the Universe. "YOU WERE NEXT ON MY LIST, AFTER THE CAT. THAT IS WHY YOU CAME TO ME."
"You killed the cat!" said Johnny.
"IT HAD WASTED ITS LIFE," said the Universe.
"It was a cat!"
"BUT STILL."
"I'm only 23!" said Johnny. "I need more time!"
"YOU HAVE MORE TIME THAN MANY GET AND I CAN SEE ALL YOUR POSSIBLE FUTURES," said the Universe. "YOU HAVE BEEN JUDGED AND FOUND WANTING. YOU WILL DIE, JONATHAN SAXONDALE. YOU WILL DIE A VIRGIN."
"Please, I'll change my life, I'll...go to africa, work with sick black kids, anything!" said Johnny.
"YOU DO NOT PLACE VALUE ON SUCH THINGS," said the Universe.
"I do now!" cried Johnny.
"YOU ARE JUDGED BY YOUR OWN STANDARDS. YOU WISH TO ENGAGE IN CONESNTUAL SEXUAL ACTIVITIES WITH THE FEMALE MEMBERS OF YOUR SPECIES. YOU HAVE FAILED. YOU WILL DIE."
"This is insane!" protested Johnny, reasonably.
"THE UNIVERSE IS INSANE," said the Universe and it reached out its hands. Then something which surprised Johnny Sex happened. The cat jumped right ont the Universe's neck, scratching and biting. It hand't died. Johnny could move again. He was back in the alley. He ran without looking back. He ran into the club. Right into a girl.
"Ouch!" she said.
"Sorry, yeah, we banged uglies I guess," said Johnny, naturally distracted.
"We...hehe," she laughed. "I'm Susan," she said, thinking what the hell, he's better looking than half the guys in the club.
"I'm Johnny," he said. "Johnny...just Johnny. And I believe I have the power to buy you a drink." A strange thing was happening. His memory of the Universe was fading. His memory of even the fear was fading. As Johnny walked to the bar he passed a man wearing a green mask.
"I'll give you another few years," the man said, though it wasn't clear if he was talking to Johnny or indeed to anyone. Johnny shrugged. Maybe his friends had been right. It didn't seem so hard after all.
