CaptainWacky
I want to smell dark matter
"Rudolph the Red Nosed Ranger, you say? Oh, I could tell you a thing or five about Rudolph the Red Nosed Ranger and his time roaming the north of Middle Earth! First of all I could tell you why his nose was red! There are are many theories, I've heard them all. Was it a birth defect? Something to do with the face that, while his mother was a woman of Numenorean descent, his father was but a baseborn man of Bree, said to be originally from the East! An Easterner! Oh, I could tell you a few stories of them and some would surprise you! For they are as diverse a people as any in Middle Earth and those who did not fall under the thrall of Sauron could almost be as noble as a man from Gondor or Rohan...but that does not concern us. No, his birthright had no bearing on the colour of his nose.
Was it an injury then, perhaps suffered in the course of his legendary battle with Gringor the troll king? No, it can't be that, for it is said that his nose was already red when he went into that battle...though it is true he lost a chunk of his nose when Gringor bit him there...still, better to lose part of your nose than all of your life, I say! No, it was not an injury, not suffered in combat with Gringor or with any of Rudolph's other great enemies: not Damien the Dark Elf, not Klackjack the crazed Dwarf, certainly not the Orange Orc of Orthanc who it is said Rudolph defeated without even breaking a sweat (this is true, in fact he defeated the Orange Orc without even raising a finger, he tricked the Orc into drinking wine the Orc has poisoned himself...he was not the brightest of orcs.)
No, the simple reason Rudolph's nose was red...was because he was always drunk! I am at times surprised that more people do not reach this realisation, but I do partly understand: it can be hard to think of our heroes as suffering from the same human vices as we do. We put them on pedastasl, raise them sometimes even to the level of Gods (Valar forgive us!), we foget that they are just mortal men or elves like we are...or even dwarves or the littlest folk of all, hobbits.
It is, I think, understantadble that Rudolph turned to drink. Perhaps you might say he should have been stronger, but he lived a stressful life, the kind of life an ordinary man could not even imagine. Ah, but then you say, he brought that life on himself, but constantly moving from one place to the next all over the North of Middle Earth and even the South in his later years, looking, it seemed, for situations to become involved in. I will not argue that, but I will say that it was in Rudolph's nature to do so. He was a Ranger of the North, he was born with a sense of what was right and when he saw injustice, and he saw it in many places, he was compelled to interfere. That was just his way and if it hadn't been his way a lot of people who are alive now because of him would be dead or would never even have been born. No, do not judge Rudolph harshly for drinking so heavily. As I have tried to impress upon you he was, ultimately, just a man. But what a man!
We all know, of course, of his most famous and celebrated deed, 100 years after the death of King Aragorn when an army of Orcs and Southrons, their leader of course being Barristan the Blind of Far Harad, invaded Gondor and laid siege to Minas Tirith itself and Rudolph led the out-numbered army of Gondor to victory. But is it right that we celebrate this one dead to the extent that so many of his others are fogotten? Were they any less impessive?
Of course, that's not fair, the battle at Minas Tirith was of course where Rudolph is said to have died (some believe he still lives to this day...some say he even lives here, in Rivendell) and one of the few times where he was actually known by his real name. For Rudolph had many names in many places, he was known to many people who may not have ever known he was the same man who fought Barristan the Blind at Minas Tirith. To the men of Bree he was Cheeser, a simple cheesed trader who uncovered an underground cheese-smuggling ring and freed the slave children forced to work in the cheese mines under Bree Hill. To the hobbits of the Shire he was Big Brad, who brought down the corrupt mayor of Hobbiton Shaddy Gamgee and ended his reign of terror and incompetence. To the Ents of Fangorn he was Fleshy Frank who ran off the evil termites and found the last Entwife (the subesquent civil war over her cannot be blamed on Rudolph.)
And of course here in Rivendell he was Charles, the prince of men. Just another cover, but none of the elves knew it at the time. It was not the Rivendell of old, for Elrond was long gone and his sons ruled and were concerned with nothing more than partying and pipe weed smoking. But there was still beauty in Rivendell, in the shape of the Princess Arwyn, a niece of Arwen Evenstar, who some said recaptured her beauty. It was thought that the Prince of men would romance her but instead, to the amazement of all, he only showed interest in a busty elven barmaid who worked at the favourite Inn of the sons of Elrond. With her he, it is said, fell in love.
Of course it turned out that his real reason for being there was to expose the secret affair between Arwyn and Damien the Dark Elf, to show the sons of Elrond that Arwyn could not be trusted as she was supplying Damien with the magic swords he used to slaughter hobbits for sport. Love can make you do funny things...believe me. So did Rudolph ever really love the busty elven maiden of the bar? It is a complex question just as Rudolph is a complex character. He was so many different people, but which one was the real Rudolph?
Damien, always the most perceptive of Rudolph's foes, felt that Rudolph suffered from something akin to multiple personality disorder. Perhaps there is something to that. But I rather believe that it is more that Rudolph compartmentalised different aspects of his personality, so that he could be whoever he needed to be in whatever situation he was in. Were any of his characters, Cheeser, Big Brad, Fleshy Frank, Charles or even as Rudolph the general of Gondor's army, were any of them the true Rudolph the ranger? Or were all of them? Who can say.
But it is thought...but some, that Rudolph really did feel something for the bust barmaid he met in Rivendell. That even though he may have been playing a part in some ways, the emotions were still real, he had made them real, he accessed the part of his person needed to romance her...and he really did love her. And he regretted having to leave her every day of his life afterwards, even when he was battling in Minas Tirith. So it is said.
Well, I've talked too much. Who was Rudolph the red-nosed Ranger? We cannot know. No man can truly know what goes in in the avenues of another's mind. We only have history to judge him...and history judges him as one of the greatest heroes of men in the history of Middle Earth. Perhaps that is enough.
So how do I know so much about Rudolph, I hear you ask? How do I know all the names he went by? That should be obvious. You may have worked it out by now. That's right, you got it! I was the busty elven barmaid he fell for! And he did fall for me, truly, I could see it in his eyes...it was no act. He loved me. And I loved him...as I love the child I bore him. As I love you."
She sat back in her chair.
"Great story, gran! But if it was the drink...how come my nose is red too?"
Was it an injury then, perhaps suffered in the course of his legendary battle with Gringor the troll king? No, it can't be that, for it is said that his nose was already red when he went into that battle...though it is true he lost a chunk of his nose when Gringor bit him there...still, better to lose part of your nose than all of your life, I say! No, it was not an injury, not suffered in combat with Gringor or with any of Rudolph's other great enemies: not Damien the Dark Elf, not Klackjack the crazed Dwarf, certainly not the Orange Orc of Orthanc who it is said Rudolph defeated without even breaking a sweat (this is true, in fact he defeated the Orange Orc without even raising a finger, he tricked the Orc into drinking wine the Orc has poisoned himself...he was not the brightest of orcs.)
No, the simple reason Rudolph's nose was red...was because he was always drunk! I am at times surprised that more people do not reach this realisation, but I do partly understand: it can be hard to think of our heroes as suffering from the same human vices as we do. We put them on pedastasl, raise them sometimes even to the level of Gods (Valar forgive us!), we foget that they are just mortal men or elves like we are...or even dwarves or the littlest folk of all, hobbits.
It is, I think, understantadble that Rudolph turned to drink. Perhaps you might say he should have been stronger, but he lived a stressful life, the kind of life an ordinary man could not even imagine. Ah, but then you say, he brought that life on himself, but constantly moving from one place to the next all over the North of Middle Earth and even the South in his later years, looking, it seemed, for situations to become involved in. I will not argue that, but I will say that it was in Rudolph's nature to do so. He was a Ranger of the North, he was born with a sense of what was right and when he saw injustice, and he saw it in many places, he was compelled to interfere. That was just his way and if it hadn't been his way a lot of people who are alive now because of him would be dead or would never even have been born. No, do not judge Rudolph harshly for drinking so heavily. As I have tried to impress upon you he was, ultimately, just a man. But what a man!
We all know, of course, of his most famous and celebrated deed, 100 years after the death of King Aragorn when an army of Orcs and Southrons, their leader of course being Barristan the Blind of Far Harad, invaded Gondor and laid siege to Minas Tirith itself and Rudolph led the out-numbered army of Gondor to victory. But is it right that we celebrate this one dead to the extent that so many of his others are fogotten? Were they any less impessive?
Of course, that's not fair, the battle at Minas Tirith was of course where Rudolph is said to have died (some believe he still lives to this day...some say he even lives here, in Rivendell) and one of the few times where he was actually known by his real name. For Rudolph had many names in many places, he was known to many people who may not have ever known he was the same man who fought Barristan the Blind at Minas Tirith. To the men of Bree he was Cheeser, a simple cheesed trader who uncovered an underground cheese-smuggling ring and freed the slave children forced to work in the cheese mines under Bree Hill. To the hobbits of the Shire he was Big Brad, who brought down the corrupt mayor of Hobbiton Shaddy Gamgee and ended his reign of terror and incompetence. To the Ents of Fangorn he was Fleshy Frank who ran off the evil termites and found the last Entwife (the subesquent civil war over her cannot be blamed on Rudolph.)
And of course here in Rivendell he was Charles, the prince of men. Just another cover, but none of the elves knew it at the time. It was not the Rivendell of old, for Elrond was long gone and his sons ruled and were concerned with nothing more than partying and pipe weed smoking. But there was still beauty in Rivendell, in the shape of the Princess Arwyn, a niece of Arwen Evenstar, who some said recaptured her beauty. It was thought that the Prince of men would romance her but instead, to the amazement of all, he only showed interest in a busty elven barmaid who worked at the favourite Inn of the sons of Elrond. With her he, it is said, fell in love.
Of course it turned out that his real reason for being there was to expose the secret affair between Arwyn and Damien the Dark Elf, to show the sons of Elrond that Arwyn could not be trusted as she was supplying Damien with the magic swords he used to slaughter hobbits for sport. Love can make you do funny things...believe me. So did Rudolph ever really love the busty elven maiden of the bar? It is a complex question just as Rudolph is a complex character. He was so many different people, but which one was the real Rudolph?
Damien, always the most perceptive of Rudolph's foes, felt that Rudolph suffered from something akin to multiple personality disorder. Perhaps there is something to that. But I rather believe that it is more that Rudolph compartmentalised different aspects of his personality, so that he could be whoever he needed to be in whatever situation he was in. Were any of his characters, Cheeser, Big Brad, Fleshy Frank, Charles or even as Rudolph the general of Gondor's army, were any of them the true Rudolph the ranger? Or were all of them? Who can say.
But it is thought...but some, that Rudolph really did feel something for the bust barmaid he met in Rivendell. That even though he may have been playing a part in some ways, the emotions were still real, he had made them real, he accessed the part of his person needed to romance her...and he really did love her. And he regretted having to leave her every day of his life afterwards, even when he was battling in Minas Tirith. So it is said.
Well, I've talked too much. Who was Rudolph the red-nosed Ranger? We cannot know. No man can truly know what goes in in the avenues of another's mind. We only have history to judge him...and history judges him as one of the greatest heroes of men in the history of Middle Earth. Perhaps that is enough.
So how do I know so much about Rudolph, I hear you ask? How do I know all the names he went by? That should be obvious. You may have worked it out by now. That's right, you got it! I was the busty elven barmaid he fell for! And he did fall for me, truly, I could see it in his eyes...it was no act. He loved me. And I loved him...as I love the child I bore him. As I love you."
She sat back in her chair.
"Great story, gran! But if it was the drink...how come my nose is red too?"
