The Collected Reality Sex Saga

[The Dork Lord]

Wife: “Come to bed, I’m ovulating!”

Husband: “Fuck that noise! You made me gay!”

Wife: “Did not!”

Husband: “Did too!”

(This goes on for at least 30 seconds)

Wife: “How did I make you gay?”

Husband: “You cheated on me so many times with my friends and relatives, I’m not even sure how many of our 19 children are actually mine!”

Wife: “Most of them are your brothers or your dad’s.”

Husband: “HARLOT! You admit it!?!”

Wife: “I have needs. Needs that can only be filled by having sex with your most trusted loved ones and sometimes strangers in groups of 2-5 at a time!”

Husband: “You have completely destroyed my faith in women and marriage!”

Wife: “Would this be a bad time to tell you I gave you AIDS and herpes?”

(Husband screams incoherently, throws his wedding ring out the window, and burns their wedding pictures.)

Wife: “LOL! PWNED!”

Husband: “I should kill you! Or leave you!”

Wife: “But you won’t.”

Husband: “Why won’t I?”

Wife: “I just got off the phone with a major TV network, and they want to give us our own reality show!”

(They start kissing and fondling each other)

Husband: “I love you.”

Wife: “NOW can we fuck?”

Husband: “Will you use the strap-on first?”

Wife: “Only if you wear one of those dresses we picked out!”

 

[The Dork Lord]

(Husband, Wife, and TV Producer are all at a table in a fancy restaurant)

Husband: “I don’t care what you say; I’m not fucking my daughter on national TV!”

TV Producer: “Look, we’re talking about your older daughter. She’s 21, right? We’re not monsters.”

Husband: “Is that a joke? I CHANGED HE DIAPERS FOR GOD’S SAKES!”

TV Producer: “According to the DNA tests we did last episode, she’s not really your daughter. None of them are; except Billy.”

Husband: “I still can’t believe you talked me into selling him to the Cambodians…”

TV Producer: “Good for ratings.”

Wife: “Don’t be such a prude, darling, I already let the Bulls run a train on me, and you had that thing with the duck…”

Husband: “I TOLD YOU DON’T MENTION THE DUCK!”

TV Producer: “How does ten million dollars sound?”

Husband and Wife: “Done.”

TV Producer: “Monday nights are OURS!”

(TV Producer cracks the monkey’s skull open and they all dig in.)

 

[The Dork Lord]

(Husband, Wife and Execs in topless hot-tub party)

Wife: I’m pregnant AGAIN!

Husband: Great. Why not give birth on the show?

Female TV Exec: GREAT IDEA! We can have the real father on the show!

Male TV Exec: Who is it this time? Tommy Lee?

Wife: Former President Bill Clinton!

Female TV Exec: Oooh! You can suck him off in the delivery room!

Male TV Exec: What if the birthing pain makes her ummm bite down?

Wife: You kidding? This is #20! I shoot em out and feel nothing!

Female TV Exec: (to Husband) And you’re ok with this?

Husband: “What do you mean? I’m gay now!”

Female TV Exec: Then why are you squeezing my breasts?

Husband: To prove how much more I like cock!

(they all have sex)

 

[The Dork Lord]

(Husband, Wife, Male and Female TV Execs are in conference room:
Wife is on top of table, in a 3 way with Kid Rock and Bob Barker.
Husband is seated at the table, between the 2 execs, who both have their hands down his pants)

Male TV Exec: OK. So you know how they have those contests where they try to cram as many college as possible into a phone booth?

Female TV Exec: We were thinking of doing that with your wife’s giggle-box!

Wife: *Tee Hee*

Husband: They’ll need SCUBA gear to survive in there!

Male TV Exec: Of course!

Kid Rock: And I can perform my new single while everyone’s crawling in!

Bob Barker: COME ON DOWN!

(everyone experiences an incredible orgasm)

NOTE: Just after the 150th college kid was completely inserted, someone’s air tank ruptured, killing the wife, Kid Rock, and most of the college kids.

The show was aired anyway, and won several emmies.