CaptainWacky
I want to smell dark matter
"Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, JOHNNY all the way, oh what fun it is to steal, from children on Christmas Day, hey!"
Johnny wasn't quite sure how he'd come up with the idea of breaking into houses and stealing the Christmas presents of children from under the tree early on Christmas morning. He thought at first it had been a joke thought. He'd have joke thoughts sometimes. Like a parody thought, making fun of the kind of crazy thing Johnny would do. But now he was actually doing it. Why not? He had nothing else left to lose. He'd fucking ruin Christmas for some kids by taking their XBoxes or Playstations or whatever shit children liked these days (what was wrong with good old fashioned Nintendo?) and leave coal in place of the presents. He was ashamed to admit he'd got an erection thinking about it.
And now he was in the first home. He'd done some mild breaking and entering before. But he hadn't expected to find a back door key under a flowerpot. What idiots. They DESERVED to have their presents stolen.
"Ho ho ho!" said Johnny, looking at the huge tree. "I'll never have anything like this! I'll never have a family! BUT I CAN HAVE YOUR PRESENTS, CUNTS."
He started to unwrap one. Was he really doing this? Yes. He was. It was a LEGO set. He'd have that. He wrapped a lump of coal up with the paper. It didn't really work, but he didn't care. Stupid kids. He decided he should unwrap a present then wank himself off with the paper.
Perhaps he was going too far...
NO. This was what he was. He was scum. This was all he was good for. He'd make the world suffer for having him in it.
He saw two kids looking at him. A boy and a girl. Shit.
"Umm...hi?" he said. "You shouldn't be up."
"We wanted to feel our presents," said the girl.
"That's how Darth Vader knew what Luke got him for Christmas," said Johnny. "He felt his presence! But presence sounds like presents so that's why it's a joke!"
"You're not Santa," said the boy, accusingly.
"I'm one of his elves!" said Johnny. "Helping the fat bastard out."
"I don't know..." said the girl.
"We should tell mummy and daddy," said the boy.
"If you tell them, they'll know you came down early to CHEAT at Christmas," said Johnny. "That'll get you on the naughty list fast. You don't want coal for Christmas, do you?"
"You're mean," said the girl.
"I'm the man," said Johnny. "Anyway, all these presents seem to be in order, I'll just be going back to the North Pole now..."
"Why are you taking that LEGO I asked for?" asked the boy.
"Uhh, it's faulty," said Johnny. "The bricks are radioactive. They'll give you kid cancer."
"Mum..." the boy started to say.
"Fine, you can have it!" said Johnny, putting the LEGO down. "Merry Christmas, kids."
"Do you want milk and cookies?" asked the girl, suddenly. "We left them out for Santa and his reindeer."
"I don't...look, it's fine," said Johnny. He hated it when people were nice to him. He should kick over their tree, he thought. "Maybe I'll take a cookie and give it to the reindeer."
"Are you really an elf?" asked the boy.
"Sure," said Johnny. "But don't tell your parents I was here. They'll never believe you. Christmas is for children. Not for parents. It's not really for me either. I'm...quite an old elf now. Quite a strange elf. The other elves...they don't really like me. And that's fine. I wouldn't like me either. But you kids, you have a great Christmas for me, okay? It's a magical time. Enjoy it before you get too old."
"I think everyone deserves to have a merry Christmas," said the girl. "Even strange old elves."
"Yeah," said Johnny. "But you'll grow out of that." He unwrapped the lump of coal he'd wrapped up and put it back in his pocket. "Night, kids." He said. Then he heard someone else coming down the stairs. Their dad. He ran for the door quickly. He could hear the kids as he went. "It was just an elf!" they were saying.
Johnny was crying as he ran off into the night. It was a good ten minutes before he noticed that it had started to snow.
Johnny wasn't quite sure how he'd come up with the idea of breaking into houses and stealing the Christmas presents of children from under the tree early on Christmas morning. He thought at first it had been a joke thought. He'd have joke thoughts sometimes. Like a parody thought, making fun of the kind of crazy thing Johnny would do. But now he was actually doing it. Why not? He had nothing else left to lose. He'd fucking ruin Christmas for some kids by taking their XBoxes or Playstations or whatever shit children liked these days (what was wrong with good old fashioned Nintendo?) and leave coal in place of the presents. He was ashamed to admit he'd got an erection thinking about it.
And now he was in the first home. He'd done some mild breaking and entering before. But he hadn't expected to find a back door key under a flowerpot. What idiots. They DESERVED to have their presents stolen.
"Ho ho ho!" said Johnny, looking at the huge tree. "I'll never have anything like this! I'll never have a family! BUT I CAN HAVE YOUR PRESENTS, CUNTS."
He started to unwrap one. Was he really doing this? Yes. He was. It was a LEGO set. He'd have that. He wrapped a lump of coal up with the paper. It didn't really work, but he didn't care. Stupid kids. He decided he should unwrap a present then wank himself off with the paper.
Perhaps he was going too far...
NO. This was what he was. He was scum. This was all he was good for. He'd make the world suffer for having him in it.
He saw two kids looking at him. A boy and a girl. Shit.
"Umm...hi?" he said. "You shouldn't be up."
"We wanted to feel our presents," said the girl.
"That's how Darth Vader knew what Luke got him for Christmas," said Johnny. "He felt his presence! But presence sounds like presents so that's why it's a joke!"
"You're not Santa," said the boy, accusingly.
"I'm one of his elves!" said Johnny. "Helping the fat bastard out."
"I don't know..." said the girl.
"We should tell mummy and daddy," said the boy.
"If you tell them, they'll know you came down early to CHEAT at Christmas," said Johnny. "That'll get you on the naughty list fast. You don't want coal for Christmas, do you?"
"You're mean," said the girl.
"I'm the man," said Johnny. "Anyway, all these presents seem to be in order, I'll just be going back to the North Pole now..."
"Why are you taking that LEGO I asked for?" asked the boy.
"Uhh, it's faulty," said Johnny. "The bricks are radioactive. They'll give you kid cancer."
"Mum..." the boy started to say.
"Fine, you can have it!" said Johnny, putting the LEGO down. "Merry Christmas, kids."
"Do you want milk and cookies?" asked the girl, suddenly. "We left them out for Santa and his reindeer."
"I don't...look, it's fine," said Johnny. He hated it when people were nice to him. He should kick over their tree, he thought. "Maybe I'll take a cookie and give it to the reindeer."
"Are you really an elf?" asked the boy.
"Sure," said Johnny. "But don't tell your parents I was here. They'll never believe you. Christmas is for children. Not for parents. It's not really for me either. I'm...quite an old elf now. Quite a strange elf. The other elves...they don't really like me. And that's fine. I wouldn't like me either. But you kids, you have a great Christmas for me, okay? It's a magical time. Enjoy it before you get too old."
"I think everyone deserves to have a merry Christmas," said the girl. "Even strange old elves."
"Yeah," said Johnny. "But you'll grow out of that." He unwrapped the lump of coal he'd wrapped up and put it back in his pocket. "Night, kids." He said. Then he heard someone else coming down the stairs. Their dad. He ran for the door quickly. He could hear the kids as he went. "It was just an elf!" they were saying.
Johnny was crying as he ran off into the night. It was a good ten minutes before he noticed that it had started to snow.