CaptainWacky
I want to smell dark matter
Berty and Susie were caught in the tight grips of the giant tree people of Wickety Woods. There was no escape.
"GO ON THEN!" said Berty. "KILL US! That's what everyone in this forest wants to do!"
"Make it quick," said Susie, trying not to cry. "Berty, there's something I want to tell you before I die. I...I...I love..."
"Kill you? HROOM HROOM!" interrupted a tree. "We don't want to kill you, little people! We heard you seek the Wise Woman of Wickety Woods! Well, we to too! We shall carry you there, in exchange for the use of your shit-stained map! HROOM HROOM!"
"Oh, right," said Berty, embarrassed. "It's just that everyone else has tried to kill us, and, if you wanted to, you could kill us and steal the map..."
"But don't do that," said Susie, quickly.
"HROOM HROOOM, RUMBA-TUMBA-ROLLA-TROLLA, we would never dream of it! We dream about kittens!" said the tree. And they started walking, strolling through the forest in massive strides. From the saftey of the Tree Man's arms, the forest suddenly didn't seem as scary to Berty.
"Hey, what did you mean when you said you love...what was it again"? Berty asked Susie.
"Oh, umm...I was going to say I love...yoghurt. I really do."
"Me too!" said Berty.
It wasn't long before they reached the wise woman's hovel.
"WELL, HROOM HROOM, here we are!" said the treeman. "We'll let you two little people go in first."
"Thank you," said Berty. "Gosh, you trees are so nice! What do you want to see the Wise Woman for, if I may ask?"
"We want to ask her if she could give us penises and vaginas," said the treeman. "FOR SEX."
"Ah, yes...quite," said Berty. "Cheerio!"
He and Susie walked to the door of the hovel. "Well, this is it," she said and took his hand.
"This is it," said Berty. They entered the hovel.
There, sitting behind a kitchen table, was the Wise Woman. She was young, beautiful and blond.
"I didn't think you'd look like that!" confessed Berty.
"AHAHAHAHAHAHA!" laughed the wise woman. "I don't. I killed a beautiful blond girl and took her body! AHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA, CHEESE!"
"Oh," said Berty. "Another killer. Come on, Susie, I want to hear nothing a killer has to say..."
"WAIT!" said the Wise Woman. "I killed the blond in self defence. She was trying to beat me to death with a hammer, so I stabbed her in both kidneys!"
"Oh," said Berty.
"Well, that's understandable," said Susie, to him.
"I suppose so," said Berty and he and Susie sat down.
"SO, WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU WNAT?" asked the wise woman, applying lip gloss.
"Don't you know?" asked Berty.
"COURSE I FUCKING DO, LESS OF YOUR CHEEK YOUNG MAN! I want you to say it"
"Well, I wanted to ask you how I could make friends more easily, since I don't have many back home...but, as it turns out, all I had to do was come to Wickety Woods to make friends. Susie, even the tree people...maybe you!"
"NO, WE WON'T BE FRIENDS, I HATE YOUR COCK-EYED OPTIMISM. I KNOW YOU GOT RID OF IT FOR A WHILE BUT I CAN FEEL IT COMING BACK."
"Why have you started shouting?" asked Susie.
"HAVE I? Oh, sorry," said the Wise Woman.
"I don't think that's really what I wanted to ask anyway," said Berty. "I think it was more that I wanted, well, a direction in life, somewhere to belong...I want to know what I'm supposed to do."
"AH, A FUCKING VISION QUEST THEN, LIKE CHAKOTAY," shouted the Wise Woman. "Fine. Here, take these drugs." She pushed a package along the table towards him.
"Drugs!?" said Berty, pushing the package back. "Drugs are for mugs! I want no part of them!"
"AHAHAHAHAHA, you have passed the first test!" said the Wise Woman. "BY REJECTING DRUGS! NOW, NOW, YOUR VISION QUEST CAN BEGIN! AHAHAAHAHA!" And she pulled out a wand and shot Berty with it. He fell onto the floor, twitching.
"Is he okay?" asked Susie.
"WHO CAN SAY?" mused the Wise Woman. "Did I mention that the vision quest is FUCKING DANGEROUS and there's a possibility he could FUCKING DIE?"
"NO!" said Susie, annoyed.
"Oh," said the Wise Woman. "I suppose I probably should have. AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"
"GO ON THEN!" said Berty. "KILL US! That's what everyone in this forest wants to do!"
"Make it quick," said Susie, trying not to cry. "Berty, there's something I want to tell you before I die. I...I...I love..."
"Kill you? HROOM HROOM!" interrupted a tree. "We don't want to kill you, little people! We heard you seek the Wise Woman of Wickety Woods! Well, we to too! We shall carry you there, in exchange for the use of your shit-stained map! HROOM HROOM!"
"Oh, right," said Berty, embarrassed. "It's just that everyone else has tried to kill us, and, if you wanted to, you could kill us and steal the map..."
"But don't do that," said Susie, quickly.
"HROOM HROOOM, RUMBA-TUMBA-ROLLA-TROLLA, we would never dream of it! We dream about kittens!" said the tree. And they started walking, strolling through the forest in massive strides. From the saftey of the Tree Man's arms, the forest suddenly didn't seem as scary to Berty.
"Hey, what did you mean when you said you love...what was it again"? Berty asked Susie.
"Oh, umm...I was going to say I love...yoghurt. I really do."
"Me too!" said Berty.
It wasn't long before they reached the wise woman's hovel.
"WELL, HROOM HROOM, here we are!" said the treeman. "We'll let you two little people go in first."
"Thank you," said Berty. "Gosh, you trees are so nice! What do you want to see the Wise Woman for, if I may ask?"
"We want to ask her if she could give us penises and vaginas," said the treeman. "FOR SEX."
"Ah, yes...quite," said Berty. "Cheerio!"
He and Susie walked to the door of the hovel. "Well, this is it," she said and took his hand.
"This is it," said Berty. They entered the hovel.
There, sitting behind a kitchen table, was the Wise Woman. She was young, beautiful and blond.
"I didn't think you'd look like that!" confessed Berty.
"AHAHAHAHAHAHA!" laughed the wise woman. "I don't. I killed a beautiful blond girl and took her body! AHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA, CHEESE!"
"Oh," said Berty. "Another killer. Come on, Susie, I want to hear nothing a killer has to say..."
"WAIT!" said the Wise Woman. "I killed the blond in self defence. She was trying to beat me to death with a hammer, so I stabbed her in both kidneys!"
"Oh," said Berty.
"Well, that's understandable," said Susie, to him.
"I suppose so," said Berty and he and Susie sat down.
"SO, WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU WNAT?" asked the wise woman, applying lip gloss.
"Don't you know?" asked Berty.
"COURSE I FUCKING DO, LESS OF YOUR CHEEK YOUNG MAN! I want you to say it"
"Well, I wanted to ask you how I could make friends more easily, since I don't have many back home...but, as it turns out, all I had to do was come to Wickety Woods to make friends. Susie, even the tree people...maybe you!"
"NO, WE WON'T BE FRIENDS, I HATE YOUR COCK-EYED OPTIMISM. I KNOW YOU GOT RID OF IT FOR A WHILE BUT I CAN FEEL IT COMING BACK."
"Why have you started shouting?" asked Susie.
"HAVE I? Oh, sorry," said the Wise Woman.
"I don't think that's really what I wanted to ask anyway," said Berty. "I think it was more that I wanted, well, a direction in life, somewhere to belong...I want to know what I'm supposed to do."
"AH, A FUCKING VISION QUEST THEN, LIKE CHAKOTAY," shouted the Wise Woman. "Fine. Here, take these drugs." She pushed a package along the table towards him.
"Drugs!?" said Berty, pushing the package back. "Drugs are for mugs! I want no part of them!"
"AHAHAHAHAHA, you have passed the first test!" said the Wise Woman. "BY REJECTING DRUGS! NOW, NOW, YOUR VISION QUEST CAN BEGIN! AHAHAAHAHA!" And she pulled out a wand and shot Berty with it. He fell onto the floor, twitching.
"Is he okay?" asked Susie.
"WHO CAN SAY?" mused the Wise Woman. "Did I mention that the vision quest is FUCKING DANGEROUS and there's a possibility he could FUCKING DIE?"
"NO!" said Susie, annoyed.
"Oh," said the Wise Woman. "I suppose I probably should have. AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"
