CaptainWacky
I want to smell dark matter
"It's raining!" said Noah to his wife. "Maybe this is it...the second great flood!"
"Seriously, I thought you were joking at first," said his wife, lookng up from her phone. "When we got married and I found out you liked to make jokes comparing yourself to the Noah from the Bible, I thought it was cute. But, honey, you need to stop it now. It's getting old."
"That rain just won't stop coming down, I really think this is it," he said, ignoring his wife. All his life he'd known he was the second coming of Noah. Why else would have that name? Why else would he have dreamed of a great flood since childhood? His friends laughed at him, so he learned not to say anything. But he could tell his dear wife Rose anything. She was destined to survive the flood with him, after all. He had thought it would be after they had children, but that would have to wait for the new world.
"Whatever," she sighed, going back to Candy Crush.
"I want to show you something," he said.
"What, have you built an Ark in the basement?" she laughed.
"Well..." he said.
"You...you have?" She sounded concerned now. When he wasn't looking she grabbed a pair of scissors that were lying on the table. She wasn't sure why.
He led her down to the basement. There was a load of cardboard boxes stapled together there. "It's not finished yet, obviously, but it should be sea-worthy!" he said.
"This...this is a really elaborate joke," she said. He looked confused.
"No joke. The great flood is coming. Only we will survive. Now we need to find two of every animal."
"We...we have a cat," she said, watching him closely. Was she worried he was going to murder her and make her dead body "live" in his cardboard ark? He had thought about it, sure, but he didn't think that's what God would want him to do.
"Yes, one cat is a good start. But we need a boy cat to have little kittens with her! We need two dogs too. They won't get along with the cats, so we'll keep them in seperate rooms on the ark. We need to start finding other animals two. Mongooses, for example. Or are they called mongeese? And just regular geese. And ants. And turkeys. And lions. We may have to raid the zoo..."
"But you said the floor is coming now! That's not enough time to find all those animals." She was backing away towards the door.
"Well, I think once the world is half flooded we'll sail around the world in MY ark collecting two of every animal."
"And leaving all the people to drown?"
"Yes, of course. They are sinners. God has judged them and they must drown. THE FUCKERS!!"
"Uhh..."
"Sorry, I get angry at all the sinners sometimes. How hard is it to obey God's will? How hard, Rose? HOW FUCKING HARD!"
"I don't know..."
"I'm glad I can talk to you about this stuff now. I've had it in my head my whole life. Finally I can say it! Finally I know I'm sane! I am God's chosen Noah! I will create a new human race with my lovely wife Rose! Whoop whoop!"
"How can we start a new human race? Won't they be inbred? Our children will have to have children with each other!"
"So? Adam and Eve's kids did the same thing. Same with the first Noah's children. And at least the whole human race will be white then!"
"WHAT?"
"I mean, we tried having all these other races, but God is going to drown them now. We'll start over with only white people! Our white kids will have more white kids! All whit everywhere! Whoop whoop!"
"You're racist too."
"What do you mean too?"
Rose turned to run, but tripped over the cat.
"Aww, she's here to move into the Ark early! You can keep her company, Rose!" He grabbed Rose and dragged her to the Ark. She struggled. He punched her. He whistled as he threw her into the ark and kicked her a few times. He went to get some tape to tie her up.
"Please, don't do this," she said, in pain. He leaned down over her.
"I have to," he said. "I'm fucking Noah!"
She stabbed him in the throat with the scissors. He bled to death all over her. She lay there for a long time with his dead body on top of her, in his cardboard ark. Finally she managed to push him off of her. The cat was looking at her. "I had no choice," she said. The cat nodded. Or so she thought. Maybe she was going mad too.
She made her way upstairs and then out onto the street. She stood in the rain, letting it wash the blood off of her. It really was a lot of rain.
"Hello, Rose," said a voice in her head. "This is God. You just killed my Noah. But don't worry, he was unworthy. I think you'll make an even better Noah then him. Now, you must find some mongooses..."
She started laughing crazily.
"Seriously, I thought you were joking at first," said his wife, lookng up from her phone. "When we got married and I found out you liked to make jokes comparing yourself to the Noah from the Bible, I thought it was cute. But, honey, you need to stop it now. It's getting old."
"That rain just won't stop coming down, I really think this is it," he said, ignoring his wife. All his life he'd known he was the second coming of Noah. Why else would have that name? Why else would he have dreamed of a great flood since childhood? His friends laughed at him, so he learned not to say anything. But he could tell his dear wife Rose anything. She was destined to survive the flood with him, after all. He had thought it would be after they had children, but that would have to wait for the new world.
"Whatever," she sighed, going back to Candy Crush.
"I want to show you something," he said.
"What, have you built an Ark in the basement?" she laughed.
"Well..." he said.
"You...you have?" She sounded concerned now. When he wasn't looking she grabbed a pair of scissors that were lying on the table. She wasn't sure why.
He led her down to the basement. There was a load of cardboard boxes stapled together there. "It's not finished yet, obviously, but it should be sea-worthy!" he said.
"This...this is a really elaborate joke," she said. He looked confused.
"No joke. The great flood is coming. Only we will survive. Now we need to find two of every animal."
"We...we have a cat," she said, watching him closely. Was she worried he was going to murder her and make her dead body "live" in his cardboard ark? He had thought about it, sure, but he didn't think that's what God would want him to do.
"Yes, one cat is a good start. But we need a boy cat to have little kittens with her! We need two dogs too. They won't get along with the cats, so we'll keep them in seperate rooms on the ark. We need to start finding other animals two. Mongooses, for example. Or are they called mongeese? And just regular geese. And ants. And turkeys. And lions. We may have to raid the zoo..."
"But you said the floor is coming now! That's not enough time to find all those animals." She was backing away towards the door.
"Well, I think once the world is half flooded we'll sail around the world in MY ark collecting two of every animal."
"And leaving all the people to drown?"
"Yes, of course. They are sinners. God has judged them and they must drown. THE FUCKERS!!"
"Uhh..."
"Sorry, I get angry at all the sinners sometimes. How hard is it to obey God's will? How hard, Rose? HOW FUCKING HARD!"
"I don't know..."
"I'm glad I can talk to you about this stuff now. I've had it in my head my whole life. Finally I can say it! Finally I know I'm sane! I am God's chosen Noah! I will create a new human race with my lovely wife Rose! Whoop whoop!"
"How can we start a new human race? Won't they be inbred? Our children will have to have children with each other!"
"So? Adam and Eve's kids did the same thing. Same with the first Noah's children. And at least the whole human race will be white then!"
"WHAT?"
"I mean, we tried having all these other races, but God is going to drown them now. We'll start over with only white people! Our white kids will have more white kids! All whit everywhere! Whoop whoop!"
"You're racist too."
"What do you mean too?"
Rose turned to run, but tripped over the cat.
"Aww, she's here to move into the Ark early! You can keep her company, Rose!" He grabbed Rose and dragged her to the Ark. She struggled. He punched her. He whistled as he threw her into the ark and kicked her a few times. He went to get some tape to tie her up.
"Please, don't do this," she said, in pain. He leaned down over her.
"I have to," he said. "I'm fucking Noah!"
She stabbed him in the throat with the scissors. He bled to death all over her. She lay there for a long time with his dead body on top of her, in his cardboard ark. Finally she managed to push him off of her. The cat was looking at her. "I had no choice," she said. The cat nodded. Or so she thought. Maybe she was going mad too.
She made her way upstairs and then out onto the street. She stood in the rain, letting it wash the blood off of her. It really was a lot of rain.
"Hello, Rose," said a voice in her head. "This is God. You just killed my Noah. But don't worry, he was unworthy. I think you'll make an even better Noah then him. Now, you must find some mongooses..."
She started laughing crazily.