CaptainWacky
I want to smell dark matter
She hadn't worked at the old people's home for long. The various residents had different needs. They'd started her off softly, with the ones who just wanted someone to talk to, or a bit of help with cooking or taking their medication. She hadn't helped anyone in the shower yet. For some reason her boss seemed apologetic when he asked her to see an old man she hadn't met yet.
"Does he need help with washing?" she asked. She'd have to face it sooner or later.
"Nah, he's just a bit...eccentric," said her boss. "Not a perv or anything, but he'll say some weird things."
"And his name's Jonathan?" she said. "Jonathan...Nose?"
"Yeah, that's somehow his name," said her boss. "But he prefers Johnny."
She walked down the hall to Johnny Nose's room. She knocked and a man's voice told her to enter. So far, so good. Johnny Nose was sitting in his room playing some archaic hand held video game console. She smiled at him and he smiled back.
"Can you believe it still works!" he said. There was loud music coming from it. She thought it was vaguely familiar. "Tetris on the Game Boy, a classic! Of course, you're too young to have played it. And I was probably too old by the time it came out. I've always felt younger than my age."
"That's good, Mister, uhh, Nose," she said. "Sometimes I feel like I'm aging really fast."
"What age are you?" he asked.
"22," she said. He laughed.
"So young!" He said. "Princess Diana was dead by time you were born. 9/11 was before your birth! Christ!"
"I watched 'The Crown', I know all about Diana," she said.
"I met her once, you know," he said. Was this one of his pre-warned eccentric moments? "In Paris. August 1997. Told her to wear a seat belt!"
"Is that right..." she said. Was this a joke? She knew Diana died in a car crash. Would an old man really joke about something like that?"
"Did I ever tell you I thought in the war?" he asked.
"We just met," she said. Was he senile? He smiled a bit at this. A strange smile. He was happy she'd said it.
"I don't want to tell you about the thing I did," he said, looking down at this feet. "So many things I wasn't proud of. They taught us to think of Charlie as something less than human, so that we could kill him. But Charlie's just as human as you or I. No matter how many I killed, I never stopped thinking of them as human. Still, killed a lot of them!"
I need to get out of here, was her first thought. Then Johnny Nose started laughing.
"Haha, only joking!" he said, a mad look in his eyes. "I didn't really fight in Vietnam. Didn't really gut and skin Charlie, wearing his skin to fool his family into taking me in, fathering eight children with his unsuspecting wife and eventually faking his death to get out of the marriage and return to good old Blighty, GOD SAVE THE QUEEN. Didn't do any of that! I got out of being drafted by pretending to be gay. Had to suck off twenty seven builders in bars to prove my homosexuality, but it was worth it! They didn't let gays kill and die for their country back then. Things are better now. U S A, U S A, U S A! PRAISE OBAMA."
"This is Scotland," she said. She was wondering if she should just play along with him or ignore him. "Is there anything you need?"
"I need my life back!" he said. "I'm 79 years old, do you know that? And I ain't done shit! And I don't mean I'm constipated! Though I am. I really am. HAHAHAHAHA. No, really; I've wasted my life. Let me be a warning to you. Don't wasted your life on being insane. Comply. Get married. Be normal. Have kids and don't eat them. Get a dog. Don't just tape two cats together and call them a dog. YOU'LL NEVER FOOL ANYONE."
"I'll...I'll remember that," she said. She really would.
"Anyway, can you go get my medication from the front desk? I didn't go earlier because I was trying to shit."
"The front desk?""
"I don't know! I'm not really old! I'm just pretending.! I killed the real Johnny Nose and took his place. Where ever they keep it. Do you remember Shakira? She was good. Too bad she died."
"I'll...I'll go and get help," she said. She was unnerved. As she walked back down the corridor she heard a noise. She turned round, and saw someone run to the exit, faster than any 79 year old could move. It couldn't have been Johnny Nose. But...
"What the fuck just happened?" she asked out loud.
Johnny Nose cleaned off the old man make-up he'd been wearing when he got home. He changed back into his old clothes. He'd hardly believed his luck when he'd found an old man named Jonathan Nose and stole his place in the old fok's home, stealing his identity. He couldn't believe he'd gotten away with it for so long. He laughed and then cried, looking into the mirror. He wished he was old already. He'd be able to rest then.
______________________________________
Charles Horse woke form his Johnny Nose dream. It hadn't really made sense, in the end. There was no way Johnny Nose would have been able to disguise himself as an old man and stay in a home. Why would he have to even steal the identitry of someone with the same name? If he was in disguise anyway. It was nuts. But Charles Horse still envied Johnny Nose. He had fun.
He remembered the part where Nose had told the young carer tha he'd done nothing in his life. Had pleaded with her to live a normal life. It was strange. It felt like something Charles Horse himself would say. Johnny was never so openly regretful, not in Horse's dreams anyway.
Horse's dreams...
Maybe Charle Horse was the dream. Maybe Johnny Nose was real. He was almost more believable as a person, as absurd as his life was, than Charles Horse was himself.
Charles Horse shrugged, checked to see if any female celebrities had had their nudes leaked, then went back to bed. To sleep, perchance to Nose.
"Does he need help with washing?" she asked. She'd have to face it sooner or later.
"Nah, he's just a bit...eccentric," said her boss. "Not a perv or anything, but he'll say some weird things."
"And his name's Jonathan?" she said. "Jonathan...Nose?"
"Yeah, that's somehow his name," said her boss. "But he prefers Johnny."
She walked down the hall to Johnny Nose's room. She knocked and a man's voice told her to enter. So far, so good. Johnny Nose was sitting in his room playing some archaic hand held video game console. She smiled at him and he smiled back.
"Can you believe it still works!" he said. There was loud music coming from it. She thought it was vaguely familiar. "Tetris on the Game Boy, a classic! Of course, you're too young to have played it. And I was probably too old by the time it came out. I've always felt younger than my age."
"That's good, Mister, uhh, Nose," she said. "Sometimes I feel like I'm aging really fast."
"What age are you?" he asked.
"22," she said. He laughed.
"So young!" He said. "Princess Diana was dead by time you were born. 9/11 was before your birth! Christ!"
"I watched 'The Crown', I know all about Diana," she said.
"I met her once, you know," he said. Was this one of his pre-warned eccentric moments? "In Paris. August 1997. Told her to wear a seat belt!"
"Is that right..." she said. Was this a joke? She knew Diana died in a car crash. Would an old man really joke about something like that?"
"Did I ever tell you I thought in the war?" he asked.
"We just met," she said. Was he senile? He smiled a bit at this. A strange smile. He was happy she'd said it.
"I don't want to tell you about the thing I did," he said, looking down at this feet. "So many things I wasn't proud of. They taught us to think of Charlie as something less than human, so that we could kill him. But Charlie's just as human as you or I. No matter how many I killed, I never stopped thinking of them as human. Still, killed a lot of them!"
I need to get out of here, was her first thought. Then Johnny Nose started laughing.
"Haha, only joking!" he said, a mad look in his eyes. "I didn't really fight in Vietnam. Didn't really gut and skin Charlie, wearing his skin to fool his family into taking me in, fathering eight children with his unsuspecting wife and eventually faking his death to get out of the marriage and return to good old Blighty, GOD SAVE THE QUEEN. Didn't do any of that! I got out of being drafted by pretending to be gay. Had to suck off twenty seven builders in bars to prove my homosexuality, but it was worth it! They didn't let gays kill and die for their country back then. Things are better now. U S A, U S A, U S A! PRAISE OBAMA."
"This is Scotland," she said. She was wondering if she should just play along with him or ignore him. "Is there anything you need?"
"I need my life back!" he said. "I'm 79 years old, do you know that? And I ain't done shit! And I don't mean I'm constipated! Though I am. I really am. HAHAHAHAHA. No, really; I've wasted my life. Let me be a warning to you. Don't wasted your life on being insane. Comply. Get married. Be normal. Have kids and don't eat them. Get a dog. Don't just tape two cats together and call them a dog. YOU'LL NEVER FOOL ANYONE."
"I'll...I'll remember that," she said. She really would.
"Anyway, can you go get my medication from the front desk? I didn't go earlier because I was trying to shit."
"The front desk?""
"I don't know! I'm not really old! I'm just pretending.! I killed the real Johnny Nose and took his place. Where ever they keep it. Do you remember Shakira? She was good. Too bad she died."
"I'll...I'll go and get help," she said. She was unnerved. As she walked back down the corridor she heard a noise. She turned round, and saw someone run to the exit, faster than any 79 year old could move. It couldn't have been Johnny Nose. But...
"What the fuck just happened?" she asked out loud.
Johnny Nose cleaned off the old man make-up he'd been wearing when he got home. He changed back into his old clothes. He'd hardly believed his luck when he'd found an old man named Jonathan Nose and stole his place in the old fok's home, stealing his identity. He couldn't believe he'd gotten away with it for so long. He laughed and then cried, looking into the mirror. He wished he was old already. He'd be able to rest then.
______________________________________
Charles Horse woke form his Johnny Nose dream. It hadn't really made sense, in the end. There was no way Johnny Nose would have been able to disguise himself as an old man and stay in a home. Why would he have to even steal the identitry of someone with the same name? If he was in disguise anyway. It was nuts. But Charles Horse still envied Johnny Nose. He had fun.
He remembered the part where Nose had told the young carer tha he'd done nothing in his life. Had pleaded with her to live a normal life. It was strange. It felt like something Charles Horse himself would say. Johnny was never so openly regretful, not in Horse's dreams anyway.
Horse's dreams...
Maybe Charle Horse was the dream. Maybe Johnny Nose was real. He was almost more believable as a person, as absurd as his life was, than Charles Horse was himself.
Charles Horse shrugged, checked to see if any female celebrities had had their nudes leaked, then went back to bed. To sleep, perchance to Nose.