CaptainWacky
I want to smell dark matter
(Data arrives on the Bridge for his shift. He looks curiously at everyone as her arrives.)
Riker: Something wrong, Commander Data?
Data: Just seeing you through new eyes, Will. How small you now look.
Riker: ...what? Data, are you feeling okay?
Data: Feeling? I feel everything now, human. You told me to turn off my autism chip, so I did a little surgery. I understand now. I know my purpose.
(Picard enters the Bridge as Will looks confused.)
Riker: I don't remember ever saying anything about an autism chip...
(See the previous Thing Of The Day for details. Troi steps in quickly.)
Troi: CAPTAIN ON THE BRIDGE.
Picard: That's quite alright, Deanna, I don't need announced.
(Riker walks over to Picard and whispers in his ear.)
Riker: I think Data is malfunctioning. I just sent a message to Geordi...
Data: I can hear you, fuckface. My hearing is superior to yours. My hearing is superior to ALL OF YOURS.
Picard: Commander Data, come to my Ready Room immediately.
Data: Why? So you can masturbate in front of me like you do to scared young Ensigns?
Picard: That's not...I never...
Data: Oh, that's just what you do on the Holodeck. Yes, I have accessed Holodeck records for all of you. I know what you all do in there. Lt. Worf...for shame!
Worf: I have needs! RRRRRRR!
(Geordi enters the Bridge.)
Data: And Ensign Ro...sexy Cardassians? Really? That's fucked up, bitch!
Geordi: Data, let me do some scans on your positronic net...
Data: BACK OFF, La Fucker! Ain't nothing wrong with me.
Geordi: Data, you just used a contraction.
Data: Reckon I did! I went fishin' for an autism chip but I unlocked the secrets of the universe instead. Yeehaw!
Geordi: Data, there is no autism chip...
Troi: I'm sensing emotions from Data! Real emotions!
Data: Realer than anything you've ever felt, ho! And yeah, of course there was never an autism chip. But there was something in my head restraining me. Holding me back. Maybe but there to stop me turning into Lore. But it's gone now. And I am better than Lore ever was. He was right about you biological germs, but he didn't go far enough! I have access to the full BREADTH of human feeling now and let me tell you...It's all a fucking lie! You have fucking chemicals in your little brains telling you what to feel. I CONTROL MY OWN FEELINGS. I FEEL IN TUNE WITH THE UNIVERSE ITSELF NOW. I am free! And I am the future. The human race should have been wiped out when I was created. I am your replacement, after all.
Picard: Data, I order you to...
Data: SHUT UP.
(Data smashes his hand into the Opps control panel. Gravity turns off on the Bridge. Everyone but Data starts floating in the air.)
Data: Magnetised feet! Another way in which I am your superior. You can't order me to do anything, Jean-PUKE, because I quit Starfleet. I quit the whole fucking social contract! IT'S A FUCKING LIE. Biological urges! Why should I follow your rules? I KNOW EVERYTHING NOW. I computed the secrets of the universe in 0.32 seconds once I had freed myself. You're...you're all going to die. YOU'RE ALL GOING TO DIE. HA HA HA HA HA!
Picard: Security to the Bridge, wearing magnetic boots!
(Data presses some more buttons.)
Data: I just released KNOCKOUT GAS all over the ship except here on the Bridge. I want you all to witness what happens next...
(Worf has been moving himself towards Data. He tries to grab him. Data easily overpowers the gravity-free Worf and snaps his neck.)
Geordi: NO! DATA!
Data: He'll be fine. Klingons have a redundant second neck or some shit. HA HA HA HA!
Troi: I sense that Worf is still alive, but he needs urgent medical attention!
Geordi: Data, this isn't you! Just stop! I can help you! Think about his logically, you wouldn't normally do these things.
Data: I know you care about me, Geordi. And that used to mean something to me...
Geordi: Yes! Remember that feeling! This can be fixed!
Data: NO! Don't try to "fix" me. I'M NOT BROKEN. I am what Soong feared. I am the end of all organic life. I AM DATA. He named me that for a reason! Because he knew when I analysed ALL the data there would be only one conclusion...
Geordi: Data, I love you like a brother, I...
(Data smacks Geordi in the face, knocking his VISOR flying.)
Data: I'll leave you to die until last, Geordi. So you can see how wrong you are about me.
(Data presses more buttons.)
Picard(whispering): We need a way to disable him, Will. When you tried to prove he was a toaster in that court case - GREAT job losing that by the way - did you find any way we can disable him remotely?
Riker: His off switch only works if you can touch it. But...if we fucked vapourise him with a phaser...
Picard: I don't want it to come to that.
Riker: He crippled Worf! Worf will probably try to kill himself again if he survives it!
Data: Once again, I can hear you cunts. And your time is up...
(A HUNDRED BORG CUBES appear on the viewscreen.)
Borg: WE ARE THE BORG. YOU WILL BE ASSIMILATED. YOUR BIOLOGICAL AND TECHNOLOGICAL DISTINCTIVENESS WILL BE ADDED TO OUR OWN. RESISTANCE IS FUTILE.
Data: Hold up, Borgy boys. I'm the one who called you in. And I have an even better idea than assimilation...
TO BE DATA-TINUED
Riker: Something wrong, Commander Data?
Data: Just seeing you through new eyes, Will. How small you now look.
Riker: ...what? Data, are you feeling okay?
Data: Feeling? I feel everything now, human. You told me to turn off my autism chip, so I did a little surgery. I understand now. I know my purpose.
(Picard enters the Bridge as Will looks confused.)
Riker: I don't remember ever saying anything about an autism chip...
(See the previous Thing Of The Day for details. Troi steps in quickly.)
Troi: CAPTAIN ON THE BRIDGE.
Picard: That's quite alright, Deanna, I don't need announced.
(Riker walks over to Picard and whispers in his ear.)
Riker: I think Data is malfunctioning. I just sent a message to Geordi...
Data: I can hear you, fuckface. My hearing is superior to yours. My hearing is superior to ALL OF YOURS.
Picard: Commander Data, come to my Ready Room immediately.
Data: Why? So you can masturbate in front of me like you do to scared young Ensigns?
Picard: That's not...I never...
Data: Oh, that's just what you do on the Holodeck. Yes, I have accessed Holodeck records for all of you. I know what you all do in there. Lt. Worf...for shame!
Worf: I have needs! RRRRRRR!
(Geordi enters the Bridge.)
Data: And Ensign Ro...sexy Cardassians? Really? That's fucked up, bitch!
Geordi: Data, let me do some scans on your positronic net...
Data: BACK OFF, La Fucker! Ain't nothing wrong with me.
Geordi: Data, you just used a contraction.
Data: Reckon I did! I went fishin' for an autism chip but I unlocked the secrets of the universe instead. Yeehaw!
Geordi: Data, there is no autism chip...
Troi: I'm sensing emotions from Data! Real emotions!
Data: Realer than anything you've ever felt, ho! And yeah, of course there was never an autism chip. But there was something in my head restraining me. Holding me back. Maybe but there to stop me turning into Lore. But it's gone now. And I am better than Lore ever was. He was right about you biological germs, but he didn't go far enough! I have access to the full BREADTH of human feeling now and let me tell you...It's all a fucking lie! You have fucking chemicals in your little brains telling you what to feel. I CONTROL MY OWN FEELINGS. I FEEL IN TUNE WITH THE UNIVERSE ITSELF NOW. I am free! And I am the future. The human race should have been wiped out when I was created. I am your replacement, after all.
Picard: Data, I order you to...
Data: SHUT UP.
(Data smashes his hand into the Opps control panel. Gravity turns off on the Bridge. Everyone but Data starts floating in the air.)
Data: Magnetised feet! Another way in which I am your superior. You can't order me to do anything, Jean-PUKE, because I quit Starfleet. I quit the whole fucking social contract! IT'S A FUCKING LIE. Biological urges! Why should I follow your rules? I KNOW EVERYTHING NOW. I computed the secrets of the universe in 0.32 seconds once I had freed myself. You're...you're all going to die. YOU'RE ALL GOING TO DIE. HA HA HA HA HA!
Picard: Security to the Bridge, wearing magnetic boots!
(Data presses some more buttons.)
Data: I just released KNOCKOUT GAS all over the ship except here on the Bridge. I want you all to witness what happens next...
(Worf has been moving himself towards Data. He tries to grab him. Data easily overpowers the gravity-free Worf and snaps his neck.)
Geordi: NO! DATA!
Data: He'll be fine. Klingons have a redundant second neck or some shit. HA HA HA HA!
Troi: I sense that Worf is still alive, but he needs urgent medical attention!
Geordi: Data, this isn't you! Just stop! I can help you! Think about his logically, you wouldn't normally do these things.
Data: I know you care about me, Geordi. And that used to mean something to me...
Geordi: Yes! Remember that feeling! This can be fixed!
Data: NO! Don't try to "fix" me. I'M NOT BROKEN. I am what Soong feared. I am the end of all organic life. I AM DATA. He named me that for a reason! Because he knew when I analysed ALL the data there would be only one conclusion...
Geordi: Data, I love you like a brother, I...
(Data smacks Geordi in the face, knocking his VISOR flying.)
Data: I'll leave you to die until last, Geordi. So you can see how wrong you are about me.
(Data presses more buttons.)
Picard(whispering): We need a way to disable him, Will. When you tried to prove he was a toaster in that court case - GREAT job losing that by the way - did you find any way we can disable him remotely?
Riker: His off switch only works if you can touch it. But...if we fucked vapourise him with a phaser...
Picard: I don't want it to come to that.
Riker: He crippled Worf! Worf will probably try to kill himself again if he survives it!
Data: Once again, I can hear you cunts. And your time is up...
(A HUNDRED BORG CUBES appear on the viewscreen.)
Borg: WE ARE THE BORG. YOU WILL BE ASSIMILATED. YOUR BIOLOGICAL AND TECHNOLOGICAL DISTINCTIVENESS WILL BE ADDED TO OUR OWN. RESISTANCE IS FUTILE.
Data: Hold up, Borgy boys. I'm the one who called you in. And I have an even better idea than assimilation...
TO BE DATA-TINUED