CaptainWacky
I want to smell dark matter
(Captain Jack rolls over in bed, showing his manly chest.)
Jack: Last night was amazing.
(Xianto rolls over onto Jack's chest and rubs his nose into it.)
Xianto: For me too, sir!
Jack: You don't have to call me sir in bed, Xianto.
Xianto: But I like to...sir.
Jack: What are you diong to my chest, lad?
Xianto: I like sniffing my man's chest.
Jack: You do this with all your partners?
Xianto: I did it with Tosh.
Jack: What? You and Tosh!?
Xianto: It was at the Christmas party...we were drunk!
Jack: I hope she doesn't think you're dating.
Xianto: Of coures not, sir!
Jack: I order you to TAKE MY DICK IN YOUR MOUTH.
Xianto: Aye aye!
(Meanwhile, at Torchwood headquarters.)
Tosh: I'm so excited!
Gwen: We know, Tosh.
Owen: You've been going on about it for the last fucking hour.
Gwen: I'm so excited! WEEEE! Me and Xianto, boyfriend and girlfriend! Together at last! I have a feeling we'll end up getting married!
Owen: Oh Christ.
Gwen: Tosh, don't you think maybe you're getting ahead of yourself...you only had a quick shag in the weapon's room.
Tosh: More like a big BANG! And it wasn't the weapons banging! It was us! Shagging! It was amazing, Gwen, I've never had it so good before!
Owen: You've only slept with twenty seven other people.
Gwne: That's a lot!
(Owen and Gwen look at each other and start laughing.)
Owen: Not here!
(Tosh skips away.)
Owen: The crazy bitch...today's Thursday, the day Xianto and Jack shag for four hours! That's why they're not here, they're shagging!
Gwen: Sssssh, don't break her little heart!
Owen: I'm glad we're talking again. After I nearly raped you.
Gwen: It was the vampire diesease what made you nearly do it!
Owen: Uhh...yeah...the disease...sure.
(Suddenly, the ground starts SHAKING.)
Gwen: What the FUCK!
(Jack and Xianto run in, pulling their clothes on.)
Jack: What was that!?
Tosh: Xianto? What happened to your clothes, my love?
Xianto: Uhh, they fell off when the ground was shaking...my love?
Tosh: So you DO love me!
(She starts kissing him.)
Xianto: Aaaah!
Jack: Stop that you too, this could be serious!
Gwen: A call's coming through from the PRIME MINISTER!
Jack: PATCH IS THROUGH.
PM(voiceover, a Gordon Brown sound-alike): This is the PM sending an EMERGENCY distress signal to all Torchwood stations...please, if you hear me, it is up to you to save Great Britain...there has been an earthquake...and aliens are walking the streets...their leader is here and...he's...he's shooting at me...no...no! NOOOOOOOO!
Gwen: What happened to him then?
Jack: He died, you moron
Gwen: Oy!
Jack: I'm sorry. But remember, I'm from the future! I know things about Earth...I remember hearing once that in 2008 there was an earthquake...and aliens KILLED three billion earthlings!
Owen: SHIT!
Xianto: Well I hope it's the women they kill!
Tosh: What!?
Xianto: Uhh, nothing.
Jack: COME ON GUYS, let's hit the streets and find those aliens and stop them somehow.
(Owen's phone rings.)
Owen: I need to take this.
Jack: HURRY UP then! MOVE YOUR ASS!
Owen: It's my mother, she fell down in the shower! Yes, mother, I'll get on that...I know you have BIG PLANS.
Jack: COME ON!
Owen: Stop shouting! Fuck!
(They all run out in slow motion. There are BLACK ALIENS that all look like Mister T with metal growing out of his head all over the streets. Jack grabs one.)
Jack: What do you BASTARDS want?
Alien: Need kill...fifty percent...for our God...the great JARJARTHEHUTT...need kill...fifty percent...for...
(Jack snaps the alien's neck.)
Gwen: Jack!
Jack: He was too dangerous to let live! We need to find the alien leader!
Owen: I think that's him!
(He points at an alien sitting on a throne.)
Gwen: How do you know?
Owen: Because he's sitting on a fucking throne!
Gwen: Okay, no need to swear! God! You sound sexy when you swear, but you do it too much.
Owen: Did you say I sound sexy?
Gwen: Err...figure of speech.
Owen: that's not a figure of speech!
Gwen: It is!
Xianto: Tosh, why are your hands in my back pockets?
Tosh: So the aliens know you are mine, babe!
Jack: STOP THIS FUCKING ABOUT. We need to stop these aliens and stop them now. That's what the DOCTOR would do and I want to live up to his legacy.
Gwen: They're religious fanatics! How are you going to stop them?
Jack: Easy. By proving that religion is a lie.
Gwen: JAAAAACK!
(Jack marches up to the alien leader.)
Owen: Don't worry, he'll be fine. Now, what were you saying about my sexy voice?
Gwen: Owen, I'm getting married!
Owen: Doesn't meant we can't keep shagging!
Gwen: Yes it does! Unless...no! It's wrong! But sexy...so sexy...I'm so confused!
(Jack walks right up to the alien and kicks his throne.)
Alien Leader(MR T!): What are you doing, infidel?
Jack: Kicking your throne!
Alien Leader: Are you the leader of the Earthling infidels?
Jack: THAT'S RIGHT.
Leader: THEN YOU WILL DIE FIRST.
Jack: WAIT! Tell me, why? Why do you want to kill half of us?
Leader: The holy book says so. Half of all non-believers must died. Therefore, we shall kill half your planet. Your animals, your plantlife and your sentient carbon units. All shall perish. Well, half of all.
Jack: What kind of God would ask you to do that?
Leader: The great and merciful JARJARTHEHUTT, the one true God!
Jack: If he's so merciful why does he want to kill us?
Leader: YOU ARE NON-BELIEVERS.
Jack: But we've never even heard of your God before!
Leader: IRRELEVANT. JARJARTHEHUTT is all knowing and all merciful. You have rejected his love. THE HOLY BOOK says those who rejected his love must die.
Jack: We haven't been offered his love, that's what I'm trying to say!
Leader: You haven't?
Jack: No!
Leader: YOU MUST HAVE. THE HOLY BOOK SAYS SO.
Jack: We haven't read your holy book!
Leader: BECAUSE YOU REJECTED IT.
Jack: WHAT THE FUCK!? How can we reject something we've had no contact with?
Leader: You just can. The great God JARJARTHEHUTT is just and fair.
Jack: If he's just and fair he wouldn't want you to kill half of us for no good reason! If he was fair he would have given us the holy book to read! Therefore, he is NOT just and fair! And if he's not just and fair, how can you know for sure that he is all knowing and all powerful? How can you know he's the one true god?
Leader: ERROR, ERROR, DOES NOT COMPUTE!
Jack: He put compliancy chips in your brains! That's the metal, of course! You're not evil at all...just brainwashed. Let my team turn the chips off.
Leader: WE NEED NO CHIPS TO BELIEVE IN THE GREAT GOD JARJARTHEHUTT.
Jack: Well, let us turn them off then, you have nothing to be scared of! Then we'll see what you think!
Leader: I...maybe...perhaps...you appear to make sense, sexy human.
(They kiss. BUT SUDDENLY, an army of WEEVILS drops out of the rift and attack the aliens!)
Leader: WHAT IS THIS INFAMY?
Jack: No, no!
Leader: YOU TRICKED US!
Jack: I didn't know, I swear to JESUS I didn't know!
Leader: Jesus? HE IS A FALSE GOD! DIEEEE!
(He lunges for Jack. A single tear drops down Jack's cheek as he pulls out a gun and blows the alien leader's head off.)
Jack: I'm so sorry.
Voice: I think the Doctor would be proud of you.
Jack: Martha!
(It's Martha Jones in a lowcut top and tight jeans!)
Martha: That's right, it's me!
(The embrace in the middle of the killing.)
Tosh: I don't get it, where did the WEEVILS come from?
Owen: Uhh, looks like they just "dropped in".
Xianto: Well, they appear to be killing all the aliens, so I guess things worked out for the best.
Tosh: I was so scared I'd lose you, Xianto. Maybe we should get married!
Xianto: Uhh...
(Owen looks at a Weevil. The Weevil nods and suddnely they all retreat back into the rift, leaving the aliens dead. For a split second, Owen's face turns into a WEEVIL FACE.)
Gwen: Owen, what happened to your face? It changed for a second there!
Owen: Uhh...
Gwen: For a second there...you were doing your CUM FACE!
Owen: Umm...yeah, sure. Was thinking about you, babe!
Gwen: OH GOD YOU'RE SO HOT, okay we can continue our affair even after I get married. I want to fuck you on my wedding day!
Owen: Great, great!
(She strokes his cock through his trousers a bit.)
Jack: Come on you two, back to headquarters, I want to introduce you to Martha.
Martha: He's handsome, is he single?
Jack: Haha, there's no stopping you!
Martha: SHE'S pretty too, is SHE single!
Jack: I didn't know you were bi!
Martha: Course I am!
(They walk off.)
Gwen: Owen, are you coming?
Owen: In a minute babe, just want to call my mother.
Gwen: Okay!
(She walks off. Owen dials a number on his phone. We see ALAN DALE pick his phone up.)
Dale: I take it everything went according to plan?
Owen: That's right, master. My Weevil army killed all the aliens.
Dale: Excellent work! I have big plans for Earth, don't want some stinky religious aliens messing things up! Stage two can now proceed.
Owen: It's just that...my and Gwen. We're shagging again.
Dale: Well, you don't have to kill her right away.
Owen: I don't, master?
Dale: No. Kill Jack first.
Owen: Yes master!
Dale: Good slave!
(DRAMATIC MUSIC.)
THE END
Jack: Last night was amazing.
(Xianto rolls over onto Jack's chest and rubs his nose into it.)
Xianto: For me too, sir!
Jack: You don't have to call me sir in bed, Xianto.
Xianto: But I like to...sir.
Jack: What are you diong to my chest, lad?
Xianto: I like sniffing my man's chest.
Jack: You do this with all your partners?
Xianto: I did it with Tosh.
Jack: What? You and Tosh!?
Xianto: It was at the Christmas party...we were drunk!
Jack: I hope she doesn't think you're dating.
Xianto: Of coures not, sir!
Jack: I order you to TAKE MY DICK IN YOUR MOUTH.
Xianto: Aye aye!
(Meanwhile, at Torchwood headquarters.)
Tosh: I'm so excited!
Gwen: We know, Tosh.
Owen: You've been going on about it for the last fucking hour.
Gwen: I'm so excited! WEEEE! Me and Xianto, boyfriend and girlfriend! Together at last! I have a feeling we'll end up getting married!
Owen: Oh Christ.
Gwen: Tosh, don't you think maybe you're getting ahead of yourself...you only had a quick shag in the weapon's room.
Tosh: More like a big BANG! And it wasn't the weapons banging! It was us! Shagging! It was amazing, Gwen, I've never had it so good before!
Owen: You've only slept with twenty seven other people.
Gwne: That's a lot!
(Owen and Gwen look at each other and start laughing.)
Owen: Not here!
(Tosh skips away.)
Owen: The crazy bitch...today's Thursday, the day Xianto and Jack shag for four hours! That's why they're not here, they're shagging!
Gwen: Sssssh, don't break her little heart!
Owen: I'm glad we're talking again. After I nearly raped you.
Gwen: It was the vampire diesease what made you nearly do it!
Owen: Uhh...yeah...the disease...sure.
(Suddenly, the ground starts SHAKING.)
Gwen: What the FUCK!
(Jack and Xianto run in, pulling their clothes on.)
Jack: What was that!?
Tosh: Xianto? What happened to your clothes, my love?
Xianto: Uhh, they fell off when the ground was shaking...my love?
Tosh: So you DO love me!
(She starts kissing him.)
Xianto: Aaaah!
Jack: Stop that you too, this could be serious!
Gwen: A call's coming through from the PRIME MINISTER!
Jack: PATCH IS THROUGH.
PM(voiceover, a Gordon Brown sound-alike): This is the PM sending an EMERGENCY distress signal to all Torchwood stations...please, if you hear me, it is up to you to save Great Britain...there has been an earthquake...and aliens are walking the streets...their leader is here and...he's...he's shooting at me...no...no! NOOOOOOOO!
Gwen: What happened to him then?
Jack: He died, you moron
Gwen: Oy!
Jack: I'm sorry. But remember, I'm from the future! I know things about Earth...I remember hearing once that in 2008 there was an earthquake...and aliens KILLED three billion earthlings!
Owen: SHIT!
Xianto: Well I hope it's the women they kill!
Tosh: What!?
Xianto: Uhh, nothing.
Jack: COME ON GUYS, let's hit the streets and find those aliens and stop them somehow.
(Owen's phone rings.)
Owen: I need to take this.
Jack: HURRY UP then! MOVE YOUR ASS!
Owen: It's my mother, she fell down in the shower! Yes, mother, I'll get on that...I know you have BIG PLANS.
Jack: COME ON!
Owen: Stop shouting! Fuck!
(They all run out in slow motion. There are BLACK ALIENS that all look like Mister T with metal growing out of his head all over the streets. Jack grabs one.)
Jack: What do you BASTARDS want?
Alien: Need kill...fifty percent...for our God...the great JARJARTHEHUTT...need kill...fifty percent...for...
(Jack snaps the alien's neck.)
Gwen: Jack!
Jack: He was too dangerous to let live! We need to find the alien leader!
Owen: I think that's him!
(He points at an alien sitting on a throne.)
Gwen: How do you know?
Owen: Because he's sitting on a fucking throne!
Gwen: Okay, no need to swear! God! You sound sexy when you swear, but you do it too much.
Owen: Did you say I sound sexy?
Gwen: Err...figure of speech.
Owen: that's not a figure of speech!
Gwen: It is!
Xianto: Tosh, why are your hands in my back pockets?
Tosh: So the aliens know you are mine, babe!
Jack: STOP THIS FUCKING ABOUT. We need to stop these aliens and stop them now. That's what the DOCTOR would do and I want to live up to his legacy.
Gwen: They're religious fanatics! How are you going to stop them?
Jack: Easy. By proving that religion is a lie.
Gwen: JAAAAACK!
(Jack marches up to the alien leader.)
Owen: Don't worry, he'll be fine. Now, what were you saying about my sexy voice?
Gwen: Owen, I'm getting married!
Owen: Doesn't meant we can't keep shagging!
Gwen: Yes it does! Unless...no! It's wrong! But sexy...so sexy...I'm so confused!
(Jack walks right up to the alien and kicks his throne.)
Alien Leader(MR T!): What are you doing, infidel?
Jack: Kicking your throne!
Alien Leader: Are you the leader of the Earthling infidels?
Jack: THAT'S RIGHT.
Leader: THEN YOU WILL DIE FIRST.
Jack: WAIT! Tell me, why? Why do you want to kill half of us?
Leader: The holy book says so. Half of all non-believers must died. Therefore, we shall kill half your planet. Your animals, your plantlife and your sentient carbon units. All shall perish. Well, half of all.
Jack: What kind of God would ask you to do that?
Leader: The great and merciful JARJARTHEHUTT, the one true God!
Jack: If he's so merciful why does he want to kill us?
Leader: YOU ARE NON-BELIEVERS.
Jack: But we've never even heard of your God before!
Leader: IRRELEVANT. JARJARTHEHUTT is all knowing and all merciful. You have rejected his love. THE HOLY BOOK says those who rejected his love must die.
Jack: We haven't been offered his love, that's what I'm trying to say!
Leader: You haven't?
Jack: No!
Leader: YOU MUST HAVE. THE HOLY BOOK SAYS SO.
Jack: We haven't read your holy book!
Leader: BECAUSE YOU REJECTED IT.
Jack: WHAT THE FUCK!? How can we reject something we've had no contact with?
Leader: You just can. The great God JARJARTHEHUTT is just and fair.
Jack: If he's just and fair he wouldn't want you to kill half of us for no good reason! If he was fair he would have given us the holy book to read! Therefore, he is NOT just and fair! And if he's not just and fair, how can you know for sure that he is all knowing and all powerful? How can you know he's the one true god?
Leader: ERROR, ERROR, DOES NOT COMPUTE!
Jack: He put compliancy chips in your brains! That's the metal, of course! You're not evil at all...just brainwashed. Let my team turn the chips off.
Leader: WE NEED NO CHIPS TO BELIEVE IN THE GREAT GOD JARJARTHEHUTT.
Jack: Well, let us turn them off then, you have nothing to be scared of! Then we'll see what you think!
Leader: I...maybe...perhaps...you appear to make sense, sexy human.
(They kiss. BUT SUDDENLY, an army of WEEVILS drops out of the rift and attack the aliens!)
Leader: WHAT IS THIS INFAMY?
Jack: No, no!
Leader: YOU TRICKED US!
Jack: I didn't know, I swear to JESUS I didn't know!
Leader: Jesus? HE IS A FALSE GOD! DIEEEE!
(He lunges for Jack. A single tear drops down Jack's cheek as he pulls out a gun and blows the alien leader's head off.)
Jack: I'm so sorry.
Voice: I think the Doctor would be proud of you.
Jack: Martha!
(It's Martha Jones in a lowcut top and tight jeans!)
Martha: That's right, it's me!
(The embrace in the middle of the killing.)
Tosh: I don't get it, where did the WEEVILS come from?
Owen: Uhh, looks like they just "dropped in".
Xianto: Well, they appear to be killing all the aliens, so I guess things worked out for the best.
Tosh: I was so scared I'd lose you, Xianto. Maybe we should get married!
Xianto: Uhh...
(Owen looks at a Weevil. The Weevil nods and suddnely they all retreat back into the rift, leaving the aliens dead. For a split second, Owen's face turns into a WEEVIL FACE.)
Gwen: Owen, what happened to your face? It changed for a second there!
Owen: Uhh...
Gwen: For a second there...you were doing your CUM FACE!
Owen: Umm...yeah, sure. Was thinking about you, babe!
Gwen: OH GOD YOU'RE SO HOT, okay we can continue our affair even after I get married. I want to fuck you on my wedding day!
Owen: Great, great!
(She strokes his cock through his trousers a bit.)
Jack: Come on you two, back to headquarters, I want to introduce you to Martha.
Martha: He's handsome, is he single?
Jack: Haha, there's no stopping you!
Martha: SHE'S pretty too, is SHE single!
Jack: I didn't know you were bi!
Martha: Course I am!
(They walk off.)
Gwen: Owen, are you coming?
Owen: In a minute babe, just want to call my mother.
Gwen: Okay!
(She walks off. Owen dials a number on his phone. We see ALAN DALE pick his phone up.)
Dale: I take it everything went according to plan?
Owen: That's right, master. My Weevil army killed all the aliens.
Dale: Excellent work! I have big plans for Earth, don't want some stinky religious aliens messing things up! Stage two can now proceed.
Owen: It's just that...my and Gwen. We're shagging again.
Dale: Well, you don't have to kill her right away.
Owen: I don't, master?
Dale: No. Kill Jack first.
Owen: Yes master!
Dale: Good slave!
(DRAMATIC MUSIC.)
THE END
