SENTRILLION!!!
Shallow Esophagus
Greetings.
I’m sorry to interrupt you while you’re searching for blah, but I have something important to talk to you about.
Jimmy the Re-Re
W-who a-are y-you?
Shallow Esophagus
There’s no need to talk like a scared cartoon teenager there, Shaggy.
Who I am is not important right now.
Who you are, on the other hand, is.
Jimmy the Re-Re
Go on…
Shallow Esophagus
You, my good friend, are a loser.
You’ve never accomplished anything in your life. You’ve wasted your precious youth playing stupid games, chatting about inane nonsense and looking up sick animal porn.
You’re pathetic.
Jimmy the Re-Re
Hey man…fuck you, man.
Shallow Esophagus
Indeed.
But listen. I have a proposition for you: a way for you to make something of your life without ever leaving your chair. Are you interested?
Jimmy the Re-Re
Not really, but I understand the game won’t really continue otherwise.
Shallow Esophagus
Good. If you follow my instructions, you can do something with your life. You can make a difference. You can change the world.
You can also make some beer money in the process. How’s that sound?
Jimmy the Re-Re
Sounds cool. What’s the catch?
Shallow Esophagus
The only condition is that you keep our interactions a secret.
Jimmy the Re-Re
Okay, so what’s involved?
Shallow Esophagus
Do you know what an Internet forum is?
Jimmy the Re-Re
I sure as shit do, Buster Bunny!
Shallow Esophagus
There’s a certain forum on the Internet that I wish to see wiped out. It’s called Denture Chat.
It’s visited mostly by the elderly and toothless.
Jimmy the Re-Re
What exactly do you have against the elderly and toothless?
Shallow Esophagus
Nothing. I have nothing against them specifically.
Jimmy the Re-Re
Then why would you want to wipe out their forum?
Shallow Esophagus
Fine. For the sake of this conversation, let’s just say “elderly individuals cold-bloodedly murdered my beloved pet Schnauzer, Fuzzyboots McColdnose, before feasting upon his lifeless corpse.” Happy?
Jimmy the Re-Re
Yes. So how do expect me to “destroy” this forum?
Shallow Esophagus
To answer that, I am going to tell you a secret so tremendously huge that, were it to get out, society as we know it would grind to a halt.
I’m sure you’re familiar with the basic forces in the universe: gravity, the weak nuclear force, the strong nuclear force and electromagnetism.
Jimmy the Re-Re
Yes. Yes I am.
Shallow Esophagus
Some time ago, a fifth force was discovered. A force so strong that, when harnessed properly, can destroy a web forum from the inside out.
Its existence has remained a secret, passed down to only an elite group of people.
Jimmy the Re-Re
What is this force? I’m so curious! Is it boron? I bet it’s boron.
Shallow Esophagus
The force is known as PWNAGE. It is pronounced “ownage.”
Jimmy the Re-Re
Wow! How do I harness this incredible power?
Shallow Esophagus
You have several abilities that, when used in a forum, will increase its pwnage levels. Once you pwn it past a certain threshold, the forum will be abandoned by its posters and declared dead.
Once you have successfully pwned Denture Chat, I will SpendFriend you 50.
Jimmy the Re-Re
SpendFriend, 50, what the hell are you talking about?
Shallow Esophagus
SpendFriend is a website that can be used to anonymously and securely transfer money through the Internet.
is short for Flezz, a new Internet-based currency that all the young folks are talking about these days. The sites you interact with will accept it.
Jimmy the Re-Re
How do I know you’re good for that sweet-ass Flezz?
Shallow Esophagus
As a token of my faith in you, I have already sent you half the money through SpendFriend.
You must sign up for an account there to accept it.
Once you have received the money, I’ll contact you again.
