whisky
Boobie inspector
Memorable Quotes from
"The Young Ones" (1982)
Neil: How many people does it take to screw in a light bulb? One, me, 'cause I'm the only one that does anything around here anyway.
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Vyvyan: I myself have three pairs of socks, and three pairs of knickers. That means I've only worn them... 269 times each since the last wash.
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Vyvyan: Neil, is it really necessary to nail the plates to the table? What happens when we want to play Monopoly? Go directly to plate? Do not pass plate nailed to the table by a stupid hippie?
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Neil: Do you think that you could get something while you're there to clean the toilet with?
Rick, Vyvyan: What?
Mike: I don't think I can, Neil.
Vyvyan: You can't clean the toilet, Neil. It'll lose all its character.
Rick: We NEVER clean the toilet, Neil. That's what being a student is all about. No way, Harpic. No way, Dot. All that Blue Loo scene is for squares. One thing's for sure, Neil. When Cliff Richard wrote "Wired for Sound", no way was he sitting on a clean lavatory. He was living on the limit, just like me. Where the only place to put bleach is in your hair.
Vyvyan: Living on Limits? What, are you on a diet?
Rick: No, I live on The Limit, Vyvyan. The Limit. Because I'm a Rider at the Gates of Dawn and I take no prisoners.
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Neil: I won't say anything because no one ever listens to me anyway. I might as well be a Leonard Cohen record.
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Rick: That's just typical. Five minutes before the most important party of my life and the house is destroyed by a giant sandwich.
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Rick: We're getting thrashed, we're getting completely thrashed. Isn't there some way we can cheat?
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Rick: What's the difference? There'll be plenty of chicks for these tigers on the road to the promised land. This is it. It's really happening. Who needs qualifications? Who cares about Thatcher and unemployment? We can do just exactly whatever we want to do. And you know why? Because we're Young Ones. Bachelor boys. Crazy, mad, wild-eyed, big-bottomed anarchists.
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Neil: I'll die if I miss Scooby-Doo.
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Rick: Oh, God, I'm bored. Might as well be listening to Genesis.
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Vyvyan: OK Neil, you might feel a bit of a prick.
Neil: Ohhh. What else is new?
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[the house is flooded]
Neil: Hey, wouldn't it be terrible if we ended up having to eat each other? Like those sailors did in that film, um..."We Ended Up Having To Eat Each Other."
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Vyvyan: Neil, let's not beat around the bush - are you going to make supper, or am I going to kick your teeth in?
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Rick: Oh yes Vyvyan, when the mountain won't come to Mohammed, smash the drawing room to pieces. That's very Buddhist, isn't it?
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[Rick picks up one of Mike's porno mags]
Rick: You're sick, Mike.
Mike: If people weren't sick, we wouldn't need penicillin.
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Mrs. Smiley: Do you dig graves?
Neil: Yeah, they're alright, yeah.
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Rick: Neil, the bathroom's free. Unlike the country under the Thatcherite junta.
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Rick: Hey, wouldn't it be amazing if all this money was real?
Vyvyan: That is the single most predictable and BORING thing that anyone could ever say whilst playing Monopoly.
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Rick: So tell me Mrs. Vyvyan, why did you give him a girl's name?
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[Vyvyan is introducing the guys to his mother... ]
Vyvyan: That's a friend of mine named Neil, that's a friend of mine named Mike... and that's a complete bastard I know named Rick.
Rick: [laughing] He's just joking Mrs. Vyvyan, we're actually terrific friends.
Mrs Vyvyan: Ooh-err. He is a bastard, isn't he?
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Vyvyan: I still don't see why we had to dig the grave... and carry the coffin, and... and everything else.
Neil: Well we're actually the ones who're responsible for his being in this position in the first place.
Vyvyan: Liberal.
Rick: Well you should've heard me and the undertakers Michael.
[laughs]
Rick: We made up all these fabulous jokes about the undertaker coming 'round to measure my "stiffie."
Neil: Well, I thought we oughta have some sort of, like, floral tribute, but all I could find was this carrot; so I borrowed Rick's Biro...
Rick: You rented it, Neil, you rented it, and you still haven't paid.
Neil: Yeah, yeah. And I wrote something; "Sorry about everything being a bit of a bummer, you know, what with you dying and all. Still, things could've been worse; You could've been me, and ended-up having a really bad time all the time", signed, "Neil".
Mike: That's very touching, Neil.
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Mike: Neil, have you upset the neighbors?
Neil: No, I've blown them up.
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Vyvyan: What we need is a large consignment of very hard drugs.
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Mike: Neil, aren't you going to introduce me to your new friend?
Right Bleeding Bastard: Bastard's the name. But you can call me Right Bleeding, all my friends do- or well, *did*.
Mike: Why, what happened?
Right Bleeding Bastard: I killed him.
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Neil: Oh, No. I'm being hassled in the street by a chick.
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[the lads meet Madness]
Rick: Do you lot know "Summer Holiday" by Cliff Richard?
Suggs: You hum it... I'll smash your face in.
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Vyvyan: I was in the basement, playing my favorite game, 'Murder In The Dark.'
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Mrs Vyvyan: I heard you were ill so I brought you a present.
Vyvyan: The last present you got me was a box of matches.
Mrs Vyvyan: That was a joke.
Vyvyan: I was only 8-weeks-old.
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Mike: Neil, it's very rare that you interest me but today you have. Why do you keep coming down here with a cake and saying surprise?
Neil: It's my birthday.
Mike: Now you knew that anyway and we don't care, so where's the surprise?
Neil: Well, I baked a cake.
Mike: A cake. Can a cake dance? Can a cake get you drunk? Will a cake let you put your hand up it's jumper?
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Mike: Rick, Your parents died this morning.
Rick: My parents are dead? I can't believe it.
Neil: And you think that's bad?
Rick: Well yes I do actually what's it to you piss face?
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Vyvyan: This calls for a delicate blend of psychology and extreme violence.
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Rick: Vyvyan, you never told us your mother was a bartender.
Vyvyan: She was a shoplifter when I knew her.
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Manure Salesman(Mick): We've come about the muck.
Rick: Muck?
Manure Salesman(Mick): You know manure.
Rick: Yes.
Manure Salesman(Mick): We've been told to drop a load in your garden.
Rick: Now listen. Nobody, I don't care who they are, is doing a two ton poo outside my front door.
Manure Salesman(Tezz): Just though you might need it to cover up that dead hippie you just murdered.
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Neil: [Reading his letter to the bank manager] Darling fascist bully-boy... Give me some more money... You bastard... May the seed of your loins be fruitful in the belly of your woman... Neil.
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[explaining cereal contest rules]
Vyvyan: You have to write in 10 words what Cornflakes mean to you. So I wrote: Cornflakes. Cornflakes. Cornflakes, Cornflakes, Cornflakes. Cornflakes, Cornflakes, Cornflakes, Cornflakes.
Rick: PATHETIC. You'll never win, you know.
Vyvyan: Why not?
Rick: That's only 9 words.
Vyvyan: Oh, yeah.
[writing]
Vyvyan: Cornflakes.
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[Vyvyan and Rick are playing Monopoly]
Vyvyan: [reading Community Chest card] You have won 2nd place in a beauty contest...
[Rick laughs]
Vyvyan: ... smash Rick over the head with the bank.
[Vyvyan does so]
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[Speaking to Bambi, the host of "University Challenge"]
Vyvyan: I liked the part where you shoved the drill in the virgin otter's face.
Neil: That wasn't in BAMBI, Vyvyan.
Vyvyan: It was in the sequel, "Bambi Goes Crazy Ape Bonkers with his Drill and Sex"
Neil: Is that true Bambi? Did you do a Disney Nasty?
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[Vyvyan hits Rick in the crotch with a cricket bat because he interrupted Mike]
Rick: Ha, ha jokes on you, missed both my legs.
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[door blows up]
Rick, Mike: Vyvyan!
Vyvyan: Vyvyan. Vyvyan. I swear every time something blows up in this house it's always bloody Vyvyan!
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[Vyvyan talking about his potion]
Vyvyan: The person who drinks it will become an axe-wielding homicidal maniac, it's a cure really... for not being an axe-wielding homicidal maniac.
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[Vyvyan bites into house brick and it explodes]
Vyvyan: Some of the bricks in this house explode, brilliant.
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[Vyvyan is making a cardboard submarine]
Rick: That's just typical of you Vyvyan. The house is under fifty feet of water and what do you do build a submarine.
[pauses]
Rick: There's um no room for me in there, is there?
Vyvyan: No.
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Neil: [Doing the washing] Come on, guys. The sooner we start, the sooner we finish.
Rick: Ha. They said that about the... , er... , something that took a long time to finish.
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Rick: The world's stupidest bottom burp? Vyvyan, Britain.
Neil: Says "Rick, Britain".
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Bambi: He represented the modal cathartic slipwit of the...
[buzzer]
Bambi: Footlights, Monty.
Lord Monty: Wasn't it... Monk D'Wally de Honk?
Bambi: Almost. Can you give me any more?
Lord Monty: Will £50 do?
Bambi: Absolutely. Spot on.
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[taking on the persona of Mike]
Vyvyan: As the one guy said to the other guy when he was getting fed up, "I'm getting fed up."
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Mr. Balowski: [singing] Whenever people bother me, when they shout and raise their voices, I don't let it get me down, I just make some stupid noises!
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[Two dishevelled, unshaved men are lying on a raft in the middle of the ocean]
Man #1: What was that?
Man #2: What?
Man #1: ...Nothing. My mind's beginning to play tricks on me. I thought we were lying on a raft just now.
Man #2: You should take it easy, you know. You must be working too hard.
[They're actually lying on a mattress in a dingy cellar lit by a bare bulb]
Man #2: Bloody hot, isn't it?
Man #1: It is.
Man #2: I should get a lower wattage bulb.
Man #1: Help! We're sinking! We're sinking!
Man #2: Relax. We're not sinking, we're not sinking. I'll get some fresh air in here.
[He opens the door, revealing endless ocean, and breathes deeply]
Man #2: Ah, that's better.
[He closes the door, then pauses]
Man #2: Uh...
Man #1: What's the matter?
Man #2: Nothing! Nothing. Can you swim at all?
Man #1: What?
Man #2: I was just wondering.
Man #1: Wondering?
Man #2: Yes, I was wondering if you might swim to the chemist and get me something for my hallucinations.
Man #1: Have you had one too?
Man #2: Either that, or the whole town is flooded.
Man #1: You're right. We've been working too hard. I haven't had a holiday for over a year now.
Man #2: What about this?
Man #1: What? This? A holiday? Two weeks in a cellar under a light bulb?
Man #2: It was all I could get.
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Dr. Jim Morrison: Wow, what is this? Tobacco or... Pink Floyd?
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[interlude between scenes]
Bloke: I've just been round to my neighbours, to borrow a drill - but he wasn't in!
[laughs grotesquely]
Bloke: ... So I broke in and ate his fish tank - but I weren't even hungry!
[laughs again]
Bloke: ... You won't catch me with me trousers!
[laughs even harder]
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[interlude between scenes]
Alexei Sayle: 'Scuse me, is this the cheese shop?
Bartender: No sir.
Alexei Sayle: Well that's that sketch knackered then, isn't it?
[cuts back to main program]
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Miss Money-Sterling: I've got a Porsche!
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Mr. Balowski: [as Mr Balowski's nephew, Billy] I've not always been mad, y'know, but um... I was actually driven mad by the indifference of architecture and council planners. Y'see I live in a tower block, and um, the thing about those is that there's terrible noise problems, because there's no noise insulation at all y'know, and 8 floors below you there's always some bastard who's got a Yamaha home organ, y'know. You're just about to go to sleep and you hear this doot-doot! chh-chh doot-doot! chh-chh chkdt BAH WA DAH BAH NAOW! doot-doot! chh-chh doot-doot! chh-chh! and like, the people who live upstairs from me, I can't understand what they're doing! Y'know I listen, and all I can hear is this weird noise and it goes voom voom, BLAT-NN BLAT-NN, voom voom, BLAT-NN BLAT-NN, and it sounds, right, it sounds like two elephants on a motorbike riding round and round, while a seal bangs a kipper on the table! I went upstairs to complain, and the door was answered by this elephant in a crash helmet! Standing behind him is this seal going
[pantomimes hitting a table with an object, the other hand on his hip]
Mr. Balowski: "WHAT IS IT NOW, RALPH?"
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Manure Salesman(Mick): Hello.
Manure Salesman(Tezz): Hello.
Rick: Hello!
Manure Salesman(Mick): I'm Mick. This is Tezz.
Manure Salesman(Tezz): Alright.
Manure Salesman(Mick): We would've brought Harry, but... we don't know anyone called Harry.
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Neil: [another Neil has appeared] Hello?
Neil 2: Hello?
Neil: Wow. Anybody watching must've thought this was a negative reality inversion.
Kissing Woman: [couple kissing in bushes nearby suddenly break off and look over] Cor, that looked just like a negative reality inversion, didn't it?
Kissing Man: Yes, it did a bit.
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Neil: I hope Mike hurries back with the cure!
Vyvyan: No Neil, Neil, it's madness this week.
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Vyvyan: Do you think ants go to discos?
Mike: Vyvyan, it is proved that ants are highly intelligent, with a well-ordered society. The last thing they'd go to would be discos.
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Vyvyan: You'd have to get up pretty early in the morning to catch you out, Michael!
Mike: You'd have to stay up all night.
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Vyvyan: [all the guys in the house are sick - Vyvyan picks up a small mirror and stares into it] Feel better you bastard!
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Kendall Mintcake: My dad's bought me the Socialist worker's party for my birthday!
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Neil: You mean, you, like, scored with a chick?
Rick: Well, of course, I wouldn't put it in such sexist terms, Neil, but yes.
Mike: Now, wait a minute, Rick. I'm the one who gets the girls around here. There could be a copyright problem.
Vyvyan: I don't understand. How? Was she unconscious?
Rick: What, Vyvyan? Do I detect a little spark of jealousy?
Vyvyan: Ha! I'm not jealous. I find the idea of spending a night with you completely revolting!
Rick: You know perfectly well what I mean. Just because I was the most wanted and attractive guy at the party last night...
Neil: What do you mean, Rick? You passed out after half a glass of cider.
Rick: Did I? Blimey, that's a bit anarchic! Anyway, it just goes to show you, Neil. Even when I'm unconscious, I can pick up the birds. Erm, I mean, forge meaningful relationships with birds... chicks... tarts... women. Women!
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Neil: That's funny. I don't remember ramming a skewer into my head.
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Policeman 1: I reckon I could have slept with her, if it wasn't for something I said. But we had a row and, uh... I said something about the Pope.
Policeman 2: That's a bit stupid, you know she's Catholic.
Policeman 1: Yeah, I know she's Catholic, but I didn't know the Pope was.
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Policeman 2: Still, it's a laugh, isn't it?
Policeman 1: What is?
Policeman 2: That noise you make in the back of your throat when you hear a joke.
Policeman 1: Yeah, that's a laugh, yeah.
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[the camera zooms in dramatically on a matchbox]
Matchbox: Don't look at me. I'm irrelevant!
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Neil: [Neil is a policeman] Open up, it's the pigs!
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[the title sequence for "The Good Life" (1975) appears, and Vyvyan tears it to shreds]
Vyvyan: No! No! NO! We're not watching the bloody Good Life! Bloody bloody bloody! I hate it! It's so bloody nice! Felicity "Treacle" Kendall and Richard "Sugar-Flavored-Snot" Briars! What do they do now? Chocolate bloody Button ads, that's what! They're just a couple of reactionary stereotypes, confirming the myth that everyone in Britain is a lovable, middle-class eccentric - and I - HATE - THEM!
[collapses on the couch, exhuasted]
Mike: That was a highly articulate outburst, Vyvyan. I only hope they're not watching.
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[Rik and Vyvyan are arguing in the garden]
Rick: Sticks and stones, Vyvyan, will break my bones!
Vyvyan: [picking up a large piece of wood] That's the first sensible thing you've said today!
[breaks the piece of wood on Rik's head]
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Vyvyan: [Rick and Vyvyan are arguing over who gets which room in their new house] This is my room!
Rick: No, it's my room!
Vyvyan: [Dumps a trashbag of his clothes on the bed] No! See? It must be my room, cause all my clothes are here!
Rick: [after picking the clothes up and throwing them up out the window] No they're not, Vyvyan!
[Vyvyan strikes a match and lights the bed on fire]
Rick: Oh, that's just perfect, now what are we going to do?
Vyvyan, Rick: [Rushing out of the room] Neil! Your bedroom's on fire!
Neil: [Coming out of a room] Huh? Which one's mine?
[Sees flaming bed]
Neil: Oh no!
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Security Guard: Hang On, What's that?
Vyvyan: It's my mascot.
Security Guard: A pig?
Vyvyan: No!
Security Guard: It is.
Vyvyan: It's not, it's a ferret. A severely deformed ferret, I'll grant you that. So severely deformed in fact that it looks a little bit like a pig.
Security Guard: Looks exactly like a pig.
Vyvyan: Yes, well, it certainly has been remarked upon. In fact, just as John Hurt is known as the Elephant Man, Bacon Sandwich here is known as the Pig Ferret.
Security Guard: Bacon Sandwich? Funny name for a ferret, isn't it?
Vyvyan: Ha ha! And that's where I had you fooled. Because it's not a ferret, it's a pig.
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Rick: [trying to host a party] That's my flatmate Vyvyan. Hi, Vyvyan, what are you doing?
Vyvyan: Shut up, you girl!
Rick: [laughs] He's incredible! I'm not a girl at all! Mind you, we're all pretty potty in this house. Last night, right, we were all watching the television and it was a program we wanted to watch, you know, and, uh, we were just watching it and right in the middle of it, I got up and turned it off! Mad! I don't care what I do, you know. Unless it's work or anything like that, you know. Last Wednesday we stayed up 'til one o'clock in the morning!
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Mr. Balowski: There's no chance of using your toilet, is there?
Mike: No.
Mr. Balowski: I thought not, that's why I pissed in your garden.
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Anarchist: Next week, right, I'm going to blow up a panda in Croydon.
Rick: Yeah, right on! Bloody zoos, who needs 'em.
Anarchist: I mean a police car, you terminal wally!
"The Young Ones" (1982)
Neil: How many people does it take to screw in a light bulb? One, me, 'cause I'm the only one that does anything around here anyway.
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Vyvyan: I myself have three pairs of socks, and three pairs of knickers. That means I've only worn them... 269 times each since the last wash.
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Vyvyan: Neil, is it really necessary to nail the plates to the table? What happens when we want to play Monopoly? Go directly to plate? Do not pass plate nailed to the table by a stupid hippie?
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Neil: Do you think that you could get something while you're there to clean the toilet with?
Rick, Vyvyan: What?
Mike: I don't think I can, Neil.
Vyvyan: You can't clean the toilet, Neil. It'll lose all its character.
Rick: We NEVER clean the toilet, Neil. That's what being a student is all about. No way, Harpic. No way, Dot. All that Blue Loo scene is for squares. One thing's for sure, Neil. When Cliff Richard wrote "Wired for Sound", no way was he sitting on a clean lavatory. He was living on the limit, just like me. Where the only place to put bleach is in your hair.
Vyvyan: Living on Limits? What, are you on a diet?
Rick: No, I live on The Limit, Vyvyan. The Limit. Because I'm a Rider at the Gates of Dawn and I take no prisoners.
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Neil: I won't say anything because no one ever listens to me anyway. I might as well be a Leonard Cohen record.
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Rick: That's just typical. Five minutes before the most important party of my life and the house is destroyed by a giant sandwich.
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Rick: We're getting thrashed, we're getting completely thrashed. Isn't there some way we can cheat?
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Rick: What's the difference? There'll be plenty of chicks for these tigers on the road to the promised land. This is it. It's really happening. Who needs qualifications? Who cares about Thatcher and unemployment? We can do just exactly whatever we want to do. And you know why? Because we're Young Ones. Bachelor boys. Crazy, mad, wild-eyed, big-bottomed anarchists.
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Neil: I'll die if I miss Scooby-Doo.
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Rick: Oh, God, I'm bored. Might as well be listening to Genesis.
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Vyvyan: OK Neil, you might feel a bit of a prick.
Neil: Ohhh. What else is new?
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[the house is flooded]
Neil: Hey, wouldn't it be terrible if we ended up having to eat each other? Like those sailors did in that film, um..."We Ended Up Having To Eat Each Other."
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Vyvyan: Neil, let's not beat around the bush - are you going to make supper, or am I going to kick your teeth in?
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Rick: Oh yes Vyvyan, when the mountain won't come to Mohammed, smash the drawing room to pieces. That's very Buddhist, isn't it?
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[Rick picks up one of Mike's porno mags]
Rick: You're sick, Mike.
Mike: If people weren't sick, we wouldn't need penicillin.
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Mrs. Smiley: Do you dig graves?
Neil: Yeah, they're alright, yeah.
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Rick: Neil, the bathroom's free. Unlike the country under the Thatcherite junta.
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Rick: Hey, wouldn't it be amazing if all this money was real?
Vyvyan: That is the single most predictable and BORING thing that anyone could ever say whilst playing Monopoly.
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Rick: So tell me Mrs. Vyvyan, why did you give him a girl's name?
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[Vyvyan is introducing the guys to his mother... ]
Vyvyan: That's a friend of mine named Neil, that's a friend of mine named Mike... and that's a complete bastard I know named Rick.
Rick: [laughing] He's just joking Mrs. Vyvyan, we're actually terrific friends.
Mrs Vyvyan: Ooh-err. He is a bastard, isn't he?
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Vyvyan: I still don't see why we had to dig the grave... and carry the coffin, and... and everything else.
Neil: Well we're actually the ones who're responsible for his being in this position in the first place.
Vyvyan: Liberal.
Rick: Well you should've heard me and the undertakers Michael.
[laughs]
Rick: We made up all these fabulous jokes about the undertaker coming 'round to measure my "stiffie."
Neil: Well, I thought we oughta have some sort of, like, floral tribute, but all I could find was this carrot; so I borrowed Rick's Biro...
Rick: You rented it, Neil, you rented it, and you still haven't paid.
Neil: Yeah, yeah. And I wrote something; "Sorry about everything being a bit of a bummer, you know, what with you dying and all. Still, things could've been worse; You could've been me, and ended-up having a really bad time all the time", signed, "Neil".
Mike: That's very touching, Neil.
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Mike: Neil, have you upset the neighbors?
Neil: No, I've blown them up.
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Vyvyan: What we need is a large consignment of very hard drugs.
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Mike: Neil, aren't you going to introduce me to your new friend?
Right Bleeding Bastard: Bastard's the name. But you can call me Right Bleeding, all my friends do- or well, *did*.
Mike: Why, what happened?
Right Bleeding Bastard: I killed him.
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Neil: Oh, No. I'm being hassled in the street by a chick.
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[the lads meet Madness]
Rick: Do you lot know "Summer Holiday" by Cliff Richard?
Suggs: You hum it... I'll smash your face in.
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Vyvyan: I was in the basement, playing my favorite game, 'Murder In The Dark.'
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Mrs Vyvyan: I heard you were ill so I brought you a present.
Vyvyan: The last present you got me was a box of matches.
Mrs Vyvyan: That was a joke.
Vyvyan: I was only 8-weeks-old.
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Mike: Neil, it's very rare that you interest me but today you have. Why do you keep coming down here with a cake and saying surprise?
Neil: It's my birthday.
Mike: Now you knew that anyway and we don't care, so where's the surprise?
Neil: Well, I baked a cake.
Mike: A cake. Can a cake dance? Can a cake get you drunk? Will a cake let you put your hand up it's jumper?
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Mike: Rick, Your parents died this morning.
Rick: My parents are dead? I can't believe it.
Neil: And you think that's bad?
Rick: Well yes I do actually what's it to you piss face?
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Vyvyan: This calls for a delicate blend of psychology and extreme violence.
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Rick: Vyvyan, you never told us your mother was a bartender.
Vyvyan: She was a shoplifter when I knew her.
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Manure Salesman(Mick): We've come about the muck.
Rick: Muck?
Manure Salesman(Mick): You know manure.
Rick: Yes.
Manure Salesman(Mick): We've been told to drop a load in your garden.
Rick: Now listen. Nobody, I don't care who they are, is doing a two ton poo outside my front door.
Manure Salesman(Tezz): Just though you might need it to cover up that dead hippie you just murdered.
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Neil: [Reading his letter to the bank manager] Darling fascist bully-boy... Give me some more money... You bastard... May the seed of your loins be fruitful in the belly of your woman... Neil.
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[explaining cereal contest rules]
Vyvyan: You have to write in 10 words what Cornflakes mean to you. So I wrote: Cornflakes. Cornflakes. Cornflakes, Cornflakes, Cornflakes. Cornflakes, Cornflakes, Cornflakes, Cornflakes.
Rick: PATHETIC. You'll never win, you know.
Vyvyan: Why not?
Rick: That's only 9 words.
Vyvyan: Oh, yeah.
[writing]
Vyvyan: Cornflakes.
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[Vyvyan and Rick are playing Monopoly]
Vyvyan: [reading Community Chest card] You have won 2nd place in a beauty contest...
[Rick laughs]
Vyvyan: ... smash Rick over the head with the bank.
[Vyvyan does so]
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[Speaking to Bambi, the host of "University Challenge"]
Vyvyan: I liked the part where you shoved the drill in the virgin otter's face.
Neil: That wasn't in BAMBI, Vyvyan.
Vyvyan: It was in the sequel, "Bambi Goes Crazy Ape Bonkers with his Drill and Sex"
Neil: Is that true Bambi? Did you do a Disney Nasty?
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[Vyvyan hits Rick in the crotch with a cricket bat because he interrupted Mike]
Rick: Ha, ha jokes on you, missed both my legs.
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[door blows up]
Rick, Mike: Vyvyan!
Vyvyan: Vyvyan. Vyvyan. I swear every time something blows up in this house it's always bloody Vyvyan!
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[Vyvyan talking about his potion]
Vyvyan: The person who drinks it will become an axe-wielding homicidal maniac, it's a cure really... for not being an axe-wielding homicidal maniac.
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[Vyvyan bites into house brick and it explodes]
Vyvyan: Some of the bricks in this house explode, brilliant.
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[Vyvyan is making a cardboard submarine]
Rick: That's just typical of you Vyvyan. The house is under fifty feet of water and what do you do build a submarine.
[pauses]
Rick: There's um no room for me in there, is there?
Vyvyan: No.
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Neil: [Doing the washing] Come on, guys. The sooner we start, the sooner we finish.
Rick: Ha. They said that about the... , er... , something that took a long time to finish.
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Rick: The world's stupidest bottom burp? Vyvyan, Britain.
Neil: Says "Rick, Britain".
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Bambi: He represented the modal cathartic slipwit of the...
[buzzer]
Bambi: Footlights, Monty.
Lord Monty: Wasn't it... Monk D'Wally de Honk?
Bambi: Almost. Can you give me any more?
Lord Monty: Will £50 do?
Bambi: Absolutely. Spot on.
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[taking on the persona of Mike]
Vyvyan: As the one guy said to the other guy when he was getting fed up, "I'm getting fed up."
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Mr. Balowski: [singing] Whenever people bother me, when they shout and raise their voices, I don't let it get me down, I just make some stupid noises!
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[Two dishevelled, unshaved men are lying on a raft in the middle of the ocean]
Man #1: What was that?
Man #2: What?
Man #1: ...Nothing. My mind's beginning to play tricks on me. I thought we were lying on a raft just now.
Man #2: You should take it easy, you know. You must be working too hard.
[They're actually lying on a mattress in a dingy cellar lit by a bare bulb]
Man #2: Bloody hot, isn't it?
Man #1: It is.
Man #2: I should get a lower wattage bulb.
Man #1: Help! We're sinking! We're sinking!
Man #2: Relax. We're not sinking, we're not sinking. I'll get some fresh air in here.
[He opens the door, revealing endless ocean, and breathes deeply]
Man #2: Ah, that's better.
[He closes the door, then pauses]
Man #2: Uh...
Man #1: What's the matter?
Man #2: Nothing! Nothing. Can you swim at all?
Man #1: What?
Man #2: I was just wondering.
Man #1: Wondering?
Man #2: Yes, I was wondering if you might swim to the chemist and get me something for my hallucinations.
Man #1: Have you had one too?
Man #2: Either that, or the whole town is flooded.
Man #1: You're right. We've been working too hard. I haven't had a holiday for over a year now.
Man #2: What about this?
Man #1: What? This? A holiday? Two weeks in a cellar under a light bulb?
Man #2: It was all I could get.
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Dr. Jim Morrison: Wow, what is this? Tobacco or... Pink Floyd?
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[interlude between scenes]
Bloke: I've just been round to my neighbours, to borrow a drill - but he wasn't in!
[laughs grotesquely]
Bloke: ... So I broke in and ate his fish tank - but I weren't even hungry!
[laughs again]
Bloke: ... You won't catch me with me trousers!
[laughs even harder]
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[interlude between scenes]
Alexei Sayle: 'Scuse me, is this the cheese shop?
Bartender: No sir.
Alexei Sayle: Well that's that sketch knackered then, isn't it?
[cuts back to main program]
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Miss Money-Sterling: I've got a Porsche!
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Mr. Balowski: [as Mr Balowski's nephew, Billy] I've not always been mad, y'know, but um... I was actually driven mad by the indifference of architecture and council planners. Y'see I live in a tower block, and um, the thing about those is that there's terrible noise problems, because there's no noise insulation at all y'know, and 8 floors below you there's always some bastard who's got a Yamaha home organ, y'know. You're just about to go to sleep and you hear this doot-doot! chh-chh doot-doot! chh-chh chkdt BAH WA DAH BAH NAOW! doot-doot! chh-chh doot-doot! chh-chh! and like, the people who live upstairs from me, I can't understand what they're doing! Y'know I listen, and all I can hear is this weird noise and it goes voom voom, BLAT-NN BLAT-NN, voom voom, BLAT-NN BLAT-NN, and it sounds, right, it sounds like two elephants on a motorbike riding round and round, while a seal bangs a kipper on the table! I went upstairs to complain, and the door was answered by this elephant in a crash helmet! Standing behind him is this seal going
[pantomimes hitting a table with an object, the other hand on his hip]
Mr. Balowski: "WHAT IS IT NOW, RALPH?"
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Manure Salesman(Mick): Hello.
Manure Salesman(Tezz): Hello.
Rick: Hello!
Manure Salesman(Mick): I'm Mick. This is Tezz.
Manure Salesman(Tezz): Alright.
Manure Salesman(Mick): We would've brought Harry, but... we don't know anyone called Harry.
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Neil: [another Neil has appeared] Hello?
Neil 2: Hello?
Neil: Wow. Anybody watching must've thought this was a negative reality inversion.
Kissing Woman: [couple kissing in bushes nearby suddenly break off and look over] Cor, that looked just like a negative reality inversion, didn't it?
Kissing Man: Yes, it did a bit.
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Neil: I hope Mike hurries back with the cure!
Vyvyan: No Neil, Neil, it's madness this week.
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Vyvyan: Do you think ants go to discos?
Mike: Vyvyan, it is proved that ants are highly intelligent, with a well-ordered society. The last thing they'd go to would be discos.
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Vyvyan: You'd have to get up pretty early in the morning to catch you out, Michael!
Mike: You'd have to stay up all night.
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Vyvyan: [all the guys in the house are sick - Vyvyan picks up a small mirror and stares into it] Feel better you bastard!
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Kendall Mintcake: My dad's bought me the Socialist worker's party for my birthday!
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Neil: You mean, you, like, scored with a chick?
Rick: Well, of course, I wouldn't put it in such sexist terms, Neil, but yes.
Mike: Now, wait a minute, Rick. I'm the one who gets the girls around here. There could be a copyright problem.
Vyvyan: I don't understand. How? Was she unconscious?
Rick: What, Vyvyan? Do I detect a little spark of jealousy?
Vyvyan: Ha! I'm not jealous. I find the idea of spending a night with you completely revolting!
Rick: You know perfectly well what I mean. Just because I was the most wanted and attractive guy at the party last night...
Neil: What do you mean, Rick? You passed out after half a glass of cider.
Rick: Did I? Blimey, that's a bit anarchic! Anyway, it just goes to show you, Neil. Even when I'm unconscious, I can pick up the birds. Erm, I mean, forge meaningful relationships with birds... chicks... tarts... women. Women!
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Neil: That's funny. I don't remember ramming a skewer into my head.
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Policeman 1: I reckon I could have slept with her, if it wasn't for something I said. But we had a row and, uh... I said something about the Pope.
Policeman 2: That's a bit stupid, you know she's Catholic.
Policeman 1: Yeah, I know she's Catholic, but I didn't know the Pope was.
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Policeman 2: Still, it's a laugh, isn't it?
Policeman 1: What is?
Policeman 2: That noise you make in the back of your throat when you hear a joke.
Policeman 1: Yeah, that's a laugh, yeah.
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[the camera zooms in dramatically on a matchbox]
Matchbox: Don't look at me. I'm irrelevant!
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Neil: [Neil is a policeman] Open up, it's the pigs!
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[the title sequence for "The Good Life" (1975) appears, and Vyvyan tears it to shreds]
Vyvyan: No! No! NO! We're not watching the bloody Good Life! Bloody bloody bloody! I hate it! It's so bloody nice! Felicity "Treacle" Kendall and Richard "Sugar-Flavored-Snot" Briars! What do they do now? Chocolate bloody Button ads, that's what! They're just a couple of reactionary stereotypes, confirming the myth that everyone in Britain is a lovable, middle-class eccentric - and I - HATE - THEM!
[collapses on the couch, exhuasted]
Mike: That was a highly articulate outburst, Vyvyan. I only hope they're not watching.
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[Rik and Vyvyan are arguing in the garden]
Rick: Sticks and stones, Vyvyan, will break my bones!
Vyvyan: [picking up a large piece of wood] That's the first sensible thing you've said today!
[breaks the piece of wood on Rik's head]
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Vyvyan: [Rick and Vyvyan are arguing over who gets which room in their new house] This is my room!
Rick: No, it's my room!
Vyvyan: [Dumps a trashbag of his clothes on the bed] No! See? It must be my room, cause all my clothes are here!
Rick: [after picking the clothes up and throwing them up out the window] No they're not, Vyvyan!
[Vyvyan strikes a match and lights the bed on fire]
Rick: Oh, that's just perfect, now what are we going to do?
Vyvyan, Rick: [Rushing out of the room] Neil! Your bedroom's on fire!
Neil: [Coming out of a room] Huh? Which one's mine?
[Sees flaming bed]
Neil: Oh no!
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Security Guard: Hang On, What's that?
Vyvyan: It's my mascot.
Security Guard: A pig?
Vyvyan: No!
Security Guard: It is.
Vyvyan: It's not, it's a ferret. A severely deformed ferret, I'll grant you that. So severely deformed in fact that it looks a little bit like a pig.
Security Guard: Looks exactly like a pig.
Vyvyan: Yes, well, it certainly has been remarked upon. In fact, just as John Hurt is known as the Elephant Man, Bacon Sandwich here is known as the Pig Ferret.
Security Guard: Bacon Sandwich? Funny name for a ferret, isn't it?
Vyvyan: Ha ha! And that's where I had you fooled. Because it's not a ferret, it's a pig.
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Rick: [trying to host a party] That's my flatmate Vyvyan. Hi, Vyvyan, what are you doing?
Vyvyan: Shut up, you girl!
Rick: [laughs] He's incredible! I'm not a girl at all! Mind you, we're all pretty potty in this house. Last night, right, we were all watching the television and it was a program we wanted to watch, you know, and, uh, we were just watching it and right in the middle of it, I got up and turned it off! Mad! I don't care what I do, you know. Unless it's work or anything like that, you know. Last Wednesday we stayed up 'til one o'clock in the morning!
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Mr. Balowski: There's no chance of using your toilet, is there?
Mike: No.
Mr. Balowski: I thought not, that's why I pissed in your garden.
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Anarchist: Next week, right, I'm going to blow up a panda in Croydon.
Rick: Yeah, right on! Bloody zoos, who needs 'em.
Anarchist: I mean a police car, you terminal wally!
