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Don't make me come over there with my rainbow coloured Klingon Painstik, KITPAIN WOCKY
- Thread starter Gagh
- Start date
CaptainWacky
I want to smell dark matter
Stewart has proposed a Picard movie where it's literally just Picard flying the galaxy for an hour fucking 27 different alien women with his 99 year old robot cock (remember he's a robot but they made him old still) constantly crying "OH WHICH WOMAN WILL I FINALLY CHOOSE TO SETTLE DOWN WITH LOL I FORGOT THAT ROMULAN TART" then the second hour of the movie is just Picard smoking a massive bong with Snoop Dogg (who is wearing a VISOR for SUSPICIOUS REASONS) and all 27 women show up pregnant somehow and he says "quit harshing my buzz, maaaan" then the Borg show up yet again and he sends his 27 babies to their deaths to defeat them, shrugs and says "there's plenty more where that came from!" and the end credits are a montage of literally hundreds of alien babies all with BALD HEADS and holding little tiny baby bongs to show they're Picard's kids.
Eggs Mayonnaise
All In With The Nuts
BUT GUINAN'S BABY IS ONLY AN ECHO OF THE BABY HE SPAWNED ALSO ITS HANDS WERE BORN PERMANENTLY IN THIS POSITION
CaptainWacky
I want to smell dark matter
WHAT WAS UNDER HER HAT, TEN TRIBBLES?
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CaptainWacky
I want to smell dark matter
Those tribbles were armed!?
CaptainWacky
I want to smell dark matter
MAD, BAD, AND FULL OF NEELIX SPUNK.
Eggs Mayonnaise
All In With The Nuts
NEELIX RAN A 24/7 TRIBBLE WASH SERVICE WITH HIS SOAPED-UP MOHAWK.
BUT THE HOT WAX SCENES ARE FOR STREAMING ONLY.
BUT THE HOT WAX SCENES ARE FOR STREAMING ONLY.
CaptainWacky
I want to smell dark matter
Picard The Movie 2 - Jean-Luc dumps his newst girlfriend when she turns 35 and decides to go on a holiday to the mirror universe, just for a laugh or something. He meets the mirror Borg who are actually NICE and UNASSIMILATE people (when Jean-Luc asks what this means they say "NO TIME TO EXPLAIN") and just want to be his friend. Jean-Luc decides to mind meld with a Vulcan Borg to show them what the other Borg did to him, as a warning never to turn evil. The mirror Borg then instantly turn evil and travel to our universe where they blow up the Bolian homeworld killing 18 billion Bolians (Jean-Luc does a classic face palm!) Picard decides that ONLY HE can defeat the Borg so he goes to Geordi and Data for their help. They split him into THREE JEAN-LUCS using the same transporter accident that created Thomas Riker (Jonthan Frakes doesn't appear in the movie because Patrick Stewart wants to be THE CHAD.) The three Jean-Lucs then each steal the Enterprise D (yes, fucking again), E AND the shitty F and each fly them into a big Borg cube at the same time while madly shouting "UNASSIMILATE THIS!" Is/are Jean-Luc/s finally dead? Of course he fucking isn't: Seven of Nine beams them directly in her bedroom and merges the three of them back into one person like Tuvix. Seven is completely billy-bollocks naked and says "now here's your prize for saving the galaxy again, Captain!" and Jean-Luc says "I don't normally sleep with fifty year olds but I appear to be STANDING TO ATTENTION right now!" and winks into the camera before a stunt double with Patrick Stewart's face edited onto him jumps into the bed. Jean-Luc never tells anyone it's his fault all those Bolians died. End credit scene is the fucking Borg Queen waking up in a Klingon prison or some shit.
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Eggs Mayonnaise
All In With The Nuts
WE DO NOT DISCUSS IT WITH EASTENDERS.
CaptainWacky
I want to smell dark matter
Picard the Movie 3 - Seven catches Jean-Luc cheating on her with the President of The Federation (Ana de Armas.) She's about to kill him with a BORG SWORD when suddenly the news come in that the Klngon Chancellor is getting married...to the Borg Queen! Worf is the best man at the wedding as the new Chancellor is his latest long-lost borther Jorf. Worf informs Jean-Luc that all seventy gazillion Klingons have been assimilated by EVOLVED assimilation and they all fucking love it and each experienced Jorf's orgasm as he fucked the Borg Queen for the first time. The President wants to kill them all with an UNASSIMILATION VIRUS that the Enterprise-F can shoot out its front somehow. Jean-Luc is fine with this until his BORG GRANDAUGHTER FROM THE FUTURE with Borg cleavage (Millie Bobby Brown) appears and tells him she travelled back in time because killing every Klingon is bad and it will make Jean-Luc sad. Seven assuems she must be her grandughter with Jean-Luc and they knock out the President and lock her in a toilet. Seven decides that since the Borg are EVOLVED the only way to beat them is to get help from Janeway and Tom's EVOLVED lizard children from Threshold who are living with Neelix on an asteroid in the Delta Quadrant. They fly the Entperirse there in ten minutes and find the lizard children have turned it into a DEATH STAR. But Neelix says they can shoot an UNASSIMILATION VIRUS from it that will only kill the nano probes but leave the Klingons relatively unharmed (some of them will be left impotent.) Jean-Luc shrugs and decides to do that but the President wakes up and steals the Enterprise back and Jean-Luc, Seven, Borg Grandaughter and the Lizards have to chase her (Neelix stays behind to pleasure his beautiful robot wife.) Worf and Jorf beam over the Death Star and Jean-Luc improbably beats them both at Bat'leth fighting. The President is about to fire but Jean-Luc tells her they can get married and she calms down and doesn't do it. Seven is heart-broken and turns evil and goes back to the Borg. She then explodes. Borg Grandaughter reveals the real reason she travelled back in time was so she could blow up Seven to insure that Jean-Luc and Ana de Armas get married and she will still be born. That's right, the Borg DNA in her tits comes from JEAN-LUC's side. Jean-Luc shrugs and says "as long as I get to shag a fit bird!" and everyone laughs.
POST CREDITS: Neelix's Robot Wife snaps his neck and says "that's for Kes!"
POST CREDITS: Neelix's Robot Wife snaps his neck and says "that's for Kes!"
Eggs Mayonnaise
All In With The Nuts
You could do this as a career. I'd fucking watch that.
Loktar
Internet God
CaptainWacky
I want to smell dark matter
Picard the Movie 4 - Jean-Luc has just turned one hundred and is days away from marrying President of the Federation Ana de Arma, but somehow feels like he isn't quite ready to settle down. He calls up his son Jack Crusher and best friend Data and tells them to drop everything and run away to Risa with him. They both sigh and agree. When they meet on Risa, Data reveals he's invented a kind of special weed that can get anyone high, even someone with a robot body, for 24 hours. An exocomp shaped like a bong flies over and the three of them smoke it and get super duper fucking high. They then all run around Risa shagging anything that moves - and even something that does't in Jean-Luc's case (a sentient rock.) Data admits that he maybe made the weed too powerful. A hot young woman (Kat Dennings) is shown watching them from behind a sentient bush. It tells her to fuck off and Picard asks what she wants. She reveals that she is Vash's daughter and Jean-Luc looks worried. She sighs and says "not with you" and he smiles and instantly starts staring at her tits. She says that she's been having dreams sent to her by God at the centre of the universe (like in Star Trek V!) and they need to go there to help him. Picard says he's so high that her tits are making him believe in God so they steal a Risan Sex Cruiser from some horny Vulcans and fly to the centre of the universe (it takes ten minutes.) God appears on the viewscreen and says "HAHAHA I FOOLD YOU I AM EVIL" so they blow him up. Data is like "oh shit we killed God!" but Picard just shrugs and says "I'm probably God now!" Jack, meanwhile, has fallen in love with Kat Dennings. SATAN then appears onthe viewscreen and thanks them for rescuing HIM. Everyone is fucking confused but Kat Dennings starts laughing evily and says she was on Satan's side all along. Jean-Luc says whatever, let's go home, but Satan beams over to the Sex Cruiser and says yes let's go back to the universe and kill everyone with FIRE. Data asks what does he mean and he burns Vash's daughter alive. Jack is super pissed off and wants to fight Satan but Jean-Luc tells them to calm down and says there's no use us all falling out over a bird. He tells Data to call his special friend and the exocomp bong flies over. Jean-Luc, Data, Jack and Satan then all get high together (making our heroes DOUBLY HIGH) and all start laughing, forgetting what they ever fell out over. Data suggests they go back to Risa and show Satan a good time. There's a ten minute montage of the four lads shagging everyone on Risa, including the sentient bush (ooh err!) and a Breen. Satan says he's had such a great time he'll let the universe remain unburnt for a million years and they all fist bump. Jean-Luc wakes up in bed with Ana de Armas the next day. "It was all a dream!" he says and goes to the bathroom. But when he looks in the mirror he sees he has a huge tattoo of him, Data, Jack and Satan getting high on Risa together! He tries to cover it up but he's too late as the President walks in and sees it and goes "JEAN-LUCCCCCCCCCCCCC!" and he makes an "aww, shucks!" face.
POST CREDITS: Vash Dennings wakes up still alive in a mysterious location. A BORGY VOICE tells her that the enemies of Jean-Luc beamed her out just as she caught fire (they didn't beam the fire out!) and they want her to join their coaltion...
POST CREDITS: Vash Dennings wakes up still alive in a mysterious location. A BORGY VOICE tells her that the enemies of Jean-Luc beamed her out just as she caught fire (they didn't beam the fire out!) and they want her to join their coaltion...
missmanners
grrrrrrrr...
The Pain Is Such A Rush
mm
mm
CaptainWacky
I want to smell dark matter
Picard the Movie 5 - Jean-Luc's wife The President of the Federation is missing, presumed dead, after her shuttle crashes into an ice planet. FEDERATION LAW says that Jean-Luc is now the new President and he prepares to make his acceptance speech with the help of his beautiful 24 year old aide (Kiernan Shipka.) He comes out onto the stage and the eight million people in attendance all cheer. He smiles at Riker, Data, Beverly, Troi, Worf and Geordi who are sittingin the front row. Jack and Wesley Crusher are both there two but sitting far apart as they hate each other. His aide slips him a SPECIAL CONTROLLER with TWO BUTTONS on it right before he goes on stage and he assumes it's a sex toy. Just as he starts to make his speech about how lucky they all are he was willing to come out of retirement to become the most powerful man in the galaxy, an alarm goes off. All eight million people in attendance are then BLOWN UP by a torpedo, except the people in the front row who are just out of the way. Jean-Luc turns on the tv and finds that EVERY Federation planet has been simultaneously attacked by a combined Borg/Klingon/Kazon/Species 8472 fleet. Billions are dead. Jean-Luc jokes "well at least I don't have to make my speech!" Data does some quick calculations and somehow concludes that the lead Borg Cube is hiding inside Earth's moon. Geordi reveals that he's somehow welded the Enterprises D, E and F together into one super powerful ship. Jean-Luc points and says "ENGAGE!" They take the super Enterprise into space and blow up the moon with a super torpedo, reveaing a Borg cube inside (millions more die on Earth from the moon storms.) Everyone cheers Jean-Luc's bravery until ONE HUNDRED cloaked Borg Cubes decloak around the Enterprise and shoot at it. Riker says "JEAN-LUC YOU'vE DOOMED US ALL!!!!" shaking his fist as the Enterprise blows up. Jean-Luc's sexy young aide grabs him and pulls him into a secret escape pod that's under the Captain's chair to save him as everyone else presumably dies. Jean-Luc is angry and orders the escape pod to RAM the head Borg Cube but instead he and his aide are beamed into the lair of the seven villains behind this whole plot: Seven of Nine, Vash Dennings, Laris, Jorf, Zombie Neelix and two Borg Queens (one is black in a representation win!) Seven says that the billions who have died all owe their deaths to Jean-Luc fucking around on women for years. Jean-Luc shrugs and says he got his. They are about to kill him when his aide whispers "remember the buttons" to him. He presses one of the buttons ont he secret controller and Riker, Geordi, Data, etc all suddenly beam into the lair somehow. His aide says it was a "time travel transporter" that beamed them out of the Enterprise right before it exploded and also it's given them all phaser rifles. They blow up all the bad guys except Seven who rolls out of the way and STABS Jack Crusher in the heart. Jean-Luc says "NOOOOOOOOOOO!" then snaps her neck. He shurgs it off and says it's time to go home. His aide then turns into Q and reveals he was watching Jean-Luc all along. Jean-Luc is relieved because he was starting to wonder if it was okay for a 100 year old man to be attracted to a 24 year old woman. Q says now his work is done he'll evolved into a higher being and turns into a cat before running away. The good guys fly the escape pod back to Eath and find the President of the Federation (Ana de Armas) is still alive! She says she bravely survived eating snow on the ice planet for a month while Jean-Luc didn't even look for her. He makes a funny face and says at least he doesn't have to be President now and he can go home and fuck grapes. She then plays a tape recording of Picard saying "I got mine" mine on the Borg Cube that Seven leaked right before death. Everyone boos Jean-Luc now that they know he's a misogynist and people start throwing tomatoes at him. Jean-Luc tries to speak up but the tomato bombardment is nearly lethal. Data tries to shield Jean-Luc with his body. Picard eventually remembers the secret controller has two buttons and presses the other one. It transports him and Data to the vineyard in France and a SPECIAL FORCEFIELD is suddenly erected aroudn the property, just as a ship tries to drop a giant tomato on them. Jean-Luc says "FUCK THE FEDERATION" and vows to spend the rest of his days in exile, with only Data for company.
POST CREDITS: The Federation President wakes up JACK CRUSHER who is still alive in a hosptial and says she has a taste for Picard men now. Jack instantly starts to fuck her and we see her eyes glow EVIL RED over his shoulder.
POST CREDITS: The Federation President wakes up JACK CRUSHER who is still alive in a hosptial and says she has a taste for Picard men now. Jack instantly starts to fuck her and we see her eyes glow EVIL RED over his shoulder.
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CaptainWacky
I want to smell dark matter
Picard the Movie 6 - A million years later, aliens from the Kelvan Empire in the Andromeda Galaxy arrive in our galaxy, looking for intelligent life. They find the ruins of the once mighty Federation, all biological life apparently wiped out by some horrible virus. They eventually detect one strange life reading from Earth, once the Federation's capital but now a wasteland...other than a vineyard in France protected from the outside world by a forcefield. They use their Kelvan technology to beam through the forcefield, but a deranged Jean-Luc starts hunting them down - knowing the vineyard better than them gives him a huge advantage - killing them one by one with a huge phaser rifles while laughing and saying "DIE, ALIEN BASTARDS!" The Kelvans try to explain that they just need a sample of human DNA and they can restart life on Earth but Picard keeps killing them, declaring himself a superior form of life to all organics. He hesitates before shooting a sexy female Kelvan and she manages to escape. Looking for a place to hide, she finds a secret closet in Picard's bedroom. When she opens the door she wakes up Data, also still alive. Data explains that he and Jean-Luc started off as friends and equels, working together to create the perfect wine in the hope that the people of Earth will forgive him for being a misogynist pig. But when a virus started wiping out humanity, and indeed all life in the universe, Jean-Luc refused to let Data leave the vineyard, declaring that "THE FLESHY FUCKS DESERVE DEATH!" Data realised that Picard's robot brain had been corrupted by all the sex and encounters (sometimes sexual) with the Borg he'd had. When Data tried to fix him, Picard pressed a secret button that turned Data into his slave. Data has been trapped in Jean-Luc's secret closet for nearly a million years. Jean-Luc lets him out once every one thousand years so that Data can wank him off, then locks Data up again. Data says they he could have saved all biological life from the virus if Jean-Luc hadn't been so fucking evil. The female Kelvan says that she has time travel technology but it only works on organic life. The plan was to clone some humans and send them back in time to repopulate the Earth. Data says that some of human Jean-Luc's old cumrags have been preserved in a freezer in case such a situation came out and perhaps the Kelvan scientists could create a real, genuine human Jaen-Luc to undo the damage his hideous robot self has done. The Kelvan female frees Data from capitivity using a special Kelvan button and they head for the freezer to find the cumrag, but robot Jean-Luc stops them. He kills Data by shoothing his head off and says he's going to give the female scientist one chance to live. She says she is planning to clone Jean-Luc to create a human sex slave for him. Jean-Luc laughs and admits he always kind of wanted to bone Shinzon. The Kelvan lady grows a human Jean-Luc clone to maturity but then shoots robot Jean-Luc. She tries to quickly activiate the time travel device, but robot Jean-Luc wakes up and jumps into the time field. Somehow the robot and human Jean-Luc merge into one entity just as they are sent back in time. The Kelvan wakes up Data's still alive head and explains to him that she doesn't know which personality will be dominant, the human or the robot...
A million years earlier, the new Jean-Luc hybrid arrives in the past, just as the baying mob are throwing tomatoes at robot Jean-Luc. He instantly kill his robot self and tells the crowd that he was a fake sent by the Borg to hurt Picard's good name by being sexist. He also reveals that the Borg have created an organic virus which will wipe out all life in the universe but he has a sample of the virus that scientists can use to create a vaccine. Everyone cheers Jean-Luc and he is declared the President of The Federation (Ana de Armas steps down because Picard is just too cool!) again. Jean-Luc goes home to the vineyard where a huge mansion has been built for him by robot slave labour. He looks in the mirror and SMILES EVILY. "I've fooled them all!" he says, as the robot personality is the dominant one. "And now I will make them pay for what they've done!"
POST CREDITS: Data and the Kelvan scientist jump into the time machine just as their timeline is wiped out.
A million years earlier, the new Jean-Luc hybrid arrives in the past, just as the baying mob are throwing tomatoes at robot Jean-Luc. He instantly kill his robot self and tells the crowd that he was a fake sent by the Borg to hurt Picard's good name by being sexist. He also reveals that the Borg have created an organic virus which will wipe out all life in the universe but he has a sample of the virus that scientists can use to create a vaccine. Everyone cheers Jean-Luc and he is declared the President of The Federation (Ana de Armas steps down because Picard is just too cool!) again. Jean-Luc goes home to the vineyard where a huge mansion has been built for him by robot slave labour. He looks in the mirror and SMILES EVILY. "I've fooled them all!" he says, as the robot personality is the dominant one. "And now I will make them pay for what they've done!"
POST CREDITS: Data and the Kelvan scientist jump into the time machine just as their timeline is wiped out.
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