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8====D of teh day: MF Edition

8====D of teh Day 04/20/08

Jesus knew he was going to hate the concert. It was something billed as “Contemporary Christian Rock”, and he usually hated anything that had his name on it. He finished a joint just as time was beginning to unfreeze, and that only confirmed his suspicions.

The band sucked completely.

Re refroze time long enough to recruit his old band (THE EXPERIENCE), Janis Joplin, Jim Morrison, Mama Cass, and two of the Beatles.

Jerry Garcia dosed the audience with a squirt gun. Kurt Cobain, Cliff Burton, Randy Rhodes and the drummer from Led Zeppelin opened, and then came back after the encore.

By the end of the affair, over a thousand Christian kids had become born again hippies, and thus were swept away to heaven when Jesus performed the Rapture, right after he finished “The Star Spangled Banner”.

At least two thirds of the human population were kind to each other most of the time, and generally meant well. Religious affiliation, of course, had nothing to do whether or not they made it to Heaven.
He thought it went better than his appearance at Woodstock, even though he didn’t get a chance to burn his guitar…

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Michael had insisted on accompanying Lucifer to see Father.

The morning Prince could almost taste his desperation.

“You really hated us so much?”

“I was God’s General and I guarded the Garden for centuries. I hated the paperwork.”

“And now you’d be free of our company?”

“Now I am home, and long to return to my father.”

“Of course Mike, we all want that.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

So far the mission was a roaring success. He’d managed to off both Paris and Britney, planting evidence on them. There was, of course no sign of MJ or the Vatican, but he’d suspected as much.

He was directly under the ceremony with Eve when he found the bomb. According to the timer, there was less than a minute before it would go off.

Shit.
 
8====D of teh Day 04/21/08

Wagner and Logan had just found the head of security and were trying to make the horse’s ass understand that there was an emergency that potentially endangered all of Hollywood’s A-list talent.

That was when Wagner began to feel a little odd.

It was almost like it didn’t matter. The terrorists, the conspiracies, the angel…none of it. Nothing in the world mattered anymore. His mom was calling him…

“Logan?”

“Just a second, bomb scare.”

“This don’t have a second, man. Take care, bro.”

Logan turned around and saw something that shook him more than even the angel.

His best friend and partner for years was disappearing before his very eyes…

“Wagner, man…what the fuck?”

“Calling the faithful home…”

“And leaving me behind?” Logan could feel tears forming.

“Maybe they still need you down here.”

“We’ll meet up on the other side.”

“Someday.” He turned to the security chief. “You seein this shit?”

That’s when Adam called.

“Hey no pressure, but I found the Bomb. Goes off in 46 seconds…45.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“Father?”

“Yes Lucifer, I see you.”

“Why would you bring me, all of us back, and then not allow us past the gate?”

“It’s where you’re needed.”

“And Me father? Must I spend the rest of eternity with these…these…”

“No Michael. You may return. Find Azreal, and consult with him.”

“Yes father.”

“I knew you didn’t have it in you.”

“What do you mean, son?”

“You can’t let bygones be bygones. You invite us back to save face, but stick us with the boarder-guard crap jobs…”

“That’s not it at all.”

Lucifer scoffed.

“The truth is I need you out there. You and your cohorts…you were right.”

This gave the devil pause. “About what?”

“It was wrong a mistake to give intelligent thought and a soul to biological life. The Universe changed.
 
8====D of teh day 04/22/08

“What do you mean, the universe changed?”

“You’ve heard the mortal theory that perception effects reality?”

“Of course.”

“Well it’s true. And biological life tends to multiply at an alarming rate.”

“Tell me about it…”

“Well, that much perception, has been changing things to the point where I could no longer live in the Universe. The advances of science have made me irrelevant, first in the minds of mortals, and then, by necessity, in the universe itself. And if there’s no God, there can be no Devil.”

“That explains why you invited us here, and plan to separate heaven into the new universe. But why do you need to keep us minding the fence?”

“Because of your nature, dear Lucifer; you question everything. You refuse to accept even my word without considering it for yourself. I’ll need those qualities at the edge of Heaven. This is a completely new Universe, and nothing is certain. Will you do what’s needed of you?”

Lucifer smiled. “Of course, father. You had only to ask.”

“Excellent. You might to return to the gates in that case, the influx has started.”

“Influx?”

“The Rapture.”

“So there’s billions of souls right now, waiting to be processed into Heaven, only to meet my legions of demons?”

“That would be the case, yes.”

“Sink or swim, eh dad?”

It was God’s turn to smile. “I’m sure you can handle it.”


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


After the concert, Jesus decided it was time to get started on some personal business. In the blink of an eye, he was in the bedroom of the Pope. He started shaking his shoulder.

“Pope, wake up man! We gotta talk.”

“Eh? What’s this?”

“It’s me, Jesus!”

“What? You’re not Jesus! You’re just a dirty Jew burglar! Guards!”

“I wouldn’t bother with that, dude,” Jesus smiled.” I made them sleep.”

“What, how?”

“I told you. I’m Jesus.”

“That’s a damn dirty Jew Lie! I want to see some proof!”

“Whatever floats your boat, your pointyhattedness.” Jesus snapped his fingers, and they were suddenly in a fully equipped, high-tech laboratory.

“This,” he said, holding up an ancient cup, “is the Holy Grail.” “Here is a piece of the spear of destiny, and the veil.” Jesus then plucked a hair from his own head, spit in a dish, and allowed a scientist to take a blood sample.
While they waited, Jesus performed all manner of miracles to prove himself to The Pope. He turned water into wine, elevator muzak into reggae, and even cured The Pope’s herpes.

The scientist came in and announced that the tests confirmed 100% match.

“So, you’re Jesus! So what? What do you want, anyway?”

Jesus handed The Pope an envelope. “This is a cease and desist order. It forbids you from using my name or likeness, and those of my family and personal life from any of your religious services or literature. Basically, it means I’m suing you. Along with most of the other Christian Churches, and a few other organizations and celebrities like Mel Gibson.”

“What? You can’t do this! You might be Jesus, but you were nothing before us. You were just a dirty Jew bum! That’s all you were! And that’s all you are now! A dirty, smelly, Jewish hippie! We made you! We spread your name all over the world! You can’t sue us!”

“You were the bastards, that killed me, remember? Not to mention all the crimes you committed in my name.”

“All of that’s history! We apologized for that!”

“What about your secret police force? What about all the murders, child molestations, and cover-ups that happen on a daily basis? Most people don’t know about that, but I do.”

They were, by this time, back in The Pope’s bedroom.

“All lies! FILTHY JEW LIES!”

Jesus smiled. “I can prove all of it. And I’m sick of having my name attached to it. I’m a Buddhist, for fuck’s sake. I don’t want to be associated with you people! Speaking of filthy Jews, though, I hope you have one for a lawyer. You’ll need one.”

With that, Our Lord and Savoir left The Pope to his own devices.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


Jason Lee was pissed; but you’d never know it under his 1000 watt smile. By this point in his career, he’d hoped to be a major comedy force, on par with Jim Carrey or Mike Myers. Instead, a measly sitcom and Disney movies were all he could find. Not that the money was bad, it’s just not where se saw himself. He was supposed to be the next Bill Murray, for God’s sake. He should be hosting The Oscars, not presenting an award with that drunken slut Hillary Duff. All the same, he kept the smile big, and kept the jokes coming. Like a professional.

“Hey Hillary, want to get your hand off my ass? I’m trying to read the nominees for best supporting actor!”

“Sorry Jason, I guess I had a few to many margaritas, backstage!”

Jason was about to read off the names, when a pillar of fire erupted from the floor, just a few feet in front of the podium. Before he could think to censor himself, Jason Lee screamed “Holy Shit!” on live national television. So much for “Alvin and the Chipmunks 2”…

What appeared to be a man with wings emerged from the hole in the floor, holding some sort of box in one hand, and what looked like a sword made of fire in the other.

The man hovered above the audience, pointed his sword towards the ceiling, and a somehow burned a new hole, this time in the ceiling. He threw the small box through the hole, just before it exploded, lighting up the Hollywood night sky. The flying man the followed the bomb through the new skylight.

Jason could here Hillary quietly praying, and promising to stay in rehab this time. It sounded like she was crying, as well. He wanted to believe it was either an acid flashback, or really good special effects, but he failed to convince himself. It was real.

“What the fuck?” He said, still live and on the air, “That wasn’t Ben Affleck or Matt Damon!”
 
8====D of teh day 04/24/08

The fire crews were still working, and the cameras were still running, but so far Logan had managed to avoid any reporters. Luckily, no one had been injured, and only Spears and Hilton were dead.

There seemed to be a lot of rumors of people disappearing however; a lot of rumors. It seems Wagner wasn’t the only one…

It didn’t take long to find Adam and Lilith, or to compare notes and catch up.

“So he just disappeared?” Lilith asked him.

“Right in front of my eyes.”

“Sounds like Jesus.” Adam offered.

“He’s here?”

“Should be, by now. Started the Rapture, would be my guess.”

“So is the world ending?”

No, nothing like that. The Apocalypse has been canceled, from what I heard.”

“So now what?”

“Now, you need a job. Both of you. Go home, Logan. See your wife and kids, you’ll hear from me in a few days.”

“Wait. What kind of job?”

Adam smiled. “Pretty much stuff like this.”


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


When Lucifer reached the gates, he had to stop a moment to take in the sight before him.

There was an ocean of souls in front of him. Humanity for as far as the eye could see.

Something like this would never have happened in Hell, not on his watch, at least.

“Hey, Boss. Where’s Mickey?”

“Hey yourself. Michael isn’t coming back. Why hasn’t anyone gotten started with this mess?”

“We were waiting for you. We didn’t know what to do.”

“Do? What’s to do, you imbecile? You make sure they’re who the books says they are, make sure they’ve lived the life the book says they lived, then you let them through the fucking gate! It’s not rocket science!”

“What’s rocket science?”

“Never mind, moron! Just get the rest of your worthless brothers and sisters together. You’ll all be security. Make sure no one tries to sneak girly mags in here, or starts a fight. I’ll be up here at the podium, if anyone needs me.”

The Devil muttered under his breath. No discipline, no intelligence. Why was good help so hard to find? Oh well, time to address the masses. Using his demonic voice, he made sure every one of the billions of souls present heard him.

“Ok, I want a single file line, starting at the gate. There’s no paperwork involved, but please be prepared to answer all questions honestly and promptly. There’s a lot of you to get through, so let’s get through this as quickly and painlessly as possible.”

“We don’t have to listen to you!”

“Yeah! You’re the DEVIL!”

“Where’s St. Peter?”

“Is this some kind of trick?

Satan sighed softly. It was going to be a long eternity.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


Today on Oprah, I have two very special, and two very biblical guests…I didn’t believe it at first, but it’s been confirmed. So without further ado, ley’s bring them out! Ladies and gentlemen, put your hands together for Jesus Christ and Adam!

They walked out together, smiling and waving to the audience.

“So, gentlemen. Lots of big things going on in the news today, and I guess you two are behind most of it, we have the averted crisis at the Oscars, and Jesus, I guess you’re suing all the Churches?”

“And Mel Gibson.”

“An Mel Gibson, we’ll get to all that later. He first thing, the big thing, is what? 60? 70? Percent of the Earth’s population gone. Just like that.”

“66.6% actually, Oprah.”

“Whoa. That’s a weird number. So what was the deciding factor there?”

“Well, Oprah, as most people can guess now, it had nothing to do with religion, that whole repenting thing, or turning your life over to me…that was mostly B.S. The people I called all lived good lives, they helped people more then they hurt, and they didn’t have anything left to learn or contribute down here. Like you, Oprah, you’ve mostly been a good person, but you still have work to do. I think your show has been a positive force in the world, and that’s why you stayed behind.”

“Well thank you Jesus, that means so much, coming from you!”

Thunderous applause erupted from the audience.

“Now Jesus, I understand you’ve just recently returned to Earth,”

“That’s correct. I’ve been back about a week now.”

“While you, Adam, have been among us since the Dawn of Mankind?”

“That’s right Oprah, I’ve been among you the whole time.”

“Working in secret, helping us all this time?”

“Well, I’d like to think I was helping…”

“What you did at the Academy Awards, seems helpful!”

They show a brief clip, with most of Jason Lee’s cursing bleeped out.

“Well, Oprah, I’ll be honest. Most celebrities aren’t my favorite people. Present company excluded, of course. Most famous people are self absorbed arrogant pricks, but even they don’t deserve to die like that.”

“Whoa, Adam! Not trying to make any friends in Hollywood today, are you?”

Adam chuckled softly. “No, Oprah, I guess I’m not.”

“That’s fine. What I wanted to ask you though, is why wait till now to reveal yourself? Why wait so long?”

“The thing is, I’ve had amnesia most of my life. Every few decades or so, I’d forget just about everything about myself. I’d know enough to change my appearance, or move away, to protect my secret, but I didn’t know why I was doing it. I didn’t know my own secret. I knew my mission, but I never knew why I was doing it.”

“Well that’s just heartbreaking,” Oprah commented, prompting “awwwww”s from the audience. “But what’s this mission, you’re talking about?”

“Mostly it’s protecting humanity, but it’s not as glamorous, as it sounds. I’ve done a lot of things I’m not proud of. Most of them I can’t talk about on network television, and wouldn’t want to anyway. But there was always a good reason for everything I did, even if I didn’t always know it at the time.”

“That’s really fascinating, but you have your memory back now?”

“Yes Oprah, for better or worse.”

“And I gotta ask, the wings? The sword?”

“Well, not too many people know this, but I’m not just the first man, I’m also the first Angel. This is something I just got back, along with my memories…”

“That’s not all you got back, from what I heard, there’s a lucky lady back in your life now?”

“That’s right, I’ve reunited with my first wife, Lilith.”

More “awww”s, this time from both Oprah herself, as well as the audience.

“That’s really sweet, Adam. I hope everything works out for you!”

“Thank you, Oprah.”

“What abut you, Jesus? Seeing anyone?”

“No Oprah, not right now. I have the worst luck with women.”

Laughs from the audience. “Now I understand both of you have issues with the major Christian churches, particularly the Catholics?”

“I want to stress here, that it’s not the average churchgoers I have issue with, it’s the upper clergy.”

“They’re real bastards,” Adam chimed in, “Earlier, when I said I was protecting humanity, that’s who I was protecting you from.”

“And that book, I can’t tell you how much trouble that thing’s caused.”

“You mean the Bible?” Oprah blurted, shocked.

“Yeah, pure rubbish.”

“So what’s the real secret of getting into Heaven?”

“It’s pretty simple Oprah, just love each other. Be nice to people, help more than you hurt.”

“Love thy neighbor? Turn the other cheek?”

“Well ok, the book got a few things right.”
 
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