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CAPTAINWACKY AND FILTHYRECWHORE VERSUS THE MINE FIELD

"Happy new QUEER!!!!!" said Henoch, finally returning to the sex dungeon where he'd held Wacky and FBI for the last few days.

"Please let us out!" said Wacky.

"Or kill us!" said FBI, hopefully.

"NEVER!!!!!" said Henoch. "I'm going to keep you two here until you're STARVED of sex and you'll be BEGGING ME for a SEXUAL FEAST OF SEX!!!!!"

"Ha!" said Wacky, suddenly JUMPING UP. "I actually picked the locks of my SEX HANDCUFFS using the Force! Now to escape!"

But when Wacky tried to run away, Henoch pulled him back with STRETCHY ARMS.

"HA!" said Henoch. "I'm like MISTER FANTASTIC. And that's just IN BED!!!!"

"But how!" said Wacky. "You're a robot, robot arms can't do that!"

"Shit, this is all a virtual reality construct," said FBI, groaning. "I've been in a few in my time, I should have noticed sooner."

"Fuck, so it is!" said Wacky. "Well, you can turn it off now!" Suddenly Henoch vanished and the sex dungeon was replaced by the familiar TNG holodeck grid.

"Well done," said a voice.

"YOU!" said Wacky, recognising it instantly.

MENTY stepped out of the shadows. "Hello, dear," he said.

"But why!" said Wacky. "And how!"

"THAT'S EASY," said Menty, a crazed look on his handsome face. "I set up a SPECIAL TRANSPORTER COUNTERING DEVICE near the TK server that meant when anyone tried to use a teleporter near it they'd instead be teleported to my SECRET HOLODECK where my holo Henoch would keep them in his holo sex dungeon!"

"But...that wasn't the real TK server, it was a fake!" said Wacky.

"OR WAS IT!" said Menty. "The truth is I don't trust that BASTARDFUCK Hambil so I swapped the real server with a fake! If you had destroyed that server you WOULD have killed everyone! Lucky you teleported instead, really!"

"Why wouldn't you trust Hambil?"

"BECAUSE I'VE GONE NUTS! I'm in a robot body too, REMEMBER! It's malfunctioning like the rest. Made me paranoid, scared. I don't even leave my bedroom now! I just sit at home posting on TK all day! LOOK!"

Menty showed Wacky the Mine Field on a monitor. All fifty threads were by Menty with titles like "COME BACK AND POST WITH ME, WACKY!!!"

"NICE TRY!" said Wacky. "But I'm still determined to kill you all!"

"Aww, come on!" said Menty, trying to hug him.

"NO! Me and you are never, ever, ever, ever getting back together!" said Wacky. "Like, ever!"

"Umm, isn't this everything you've always wanted?" asked FBI. Wacky murdered him quickly with his lightsaber.

"Oh yeah, it is!" said Wacky, at last. And he hugged Menty.

"FINALLY!" said Menty.

"And now to mutually masturbate!" said Wacky.

"NOT YET!" said Hambil, still in Cassie's body, striving into the holodeck. "I've heard EVERYTHING! And I've brought the TK server with me! Now I'm either going to repair it...OR DESTROY IT MYSELF!"

"Oh fuck off, I've already got a semi on!" said Wacky.

TO BE CONCLUDED
 
"Christ, now even my semi's gone," moaned Menty.

"DEATH TO SEMIS!" said Hambil.

"Fuck off, Hambil!" said Wacky, igniting his lightsaber. "It's time to kill you and Cassie's hot body once and for all!"

He charged at Hambil/Cassie. But then he was hit by FORCE LIGHTNING.

"REMEMBER, she's a SITH WHORE!" said Hambil.

"But Hambil doesn't talk like that!" said Wacky.

"GRRR!" said Hambil/Cassie.

"Everything's getting even crazier..." said Wacky.

"What are you talking about, Wacky?" asked Tomtrek, who had just arrived on the holodeck dressed as R2D2. "BEEP BOOP BLOOP!"

"My WORD!" said Fuddlemiff, dressed as C3PO. "Goodness me!"

"This isn't right..." said Wacky.

"FUCK LIFE!" said Bobby T.

"You were just in my head!" said Wacky.

"Maybe we're ALL in your head!" said Menty, posting in the Mine Fielding then actually reading the replies to his posts and replying to them. "I mean, this could only possibly happen in your imagination!"

"CUT YOU ALL!" said Seph, running in with a chainsaw and brutally murdering Fuddlemiff and Tomtrek.

"Hmm..." said Wacky.

"ARE YOU READY FOR THIS TO BE OVER?" said FilthyRecWhore.

"Yes," said Wacky.

"END SIMULATION!" said FilthyRecWhore. Everything vanished. Suddenly Wacky was back in his bed on FilthyRecWhore's ship.

"So..." said Wacky.

"FUCK YOU," said FRW. "I mean, go on."

"Everything was a simulation, wasn't it? My brain is hooked up to your spaceship's computer. I never went back to Earth."

"WELL DONE, SCUM," said FRW.

"But why?" asked Wacky. "Is this just to get me ready, again?"

"NO," said FRW. "IT WAS TO HIDE YOU FROM THE TRUTH."

"What FUCKDAMN truth?" asked Wacky.

"That the Mine Field is dead now. That everyone has moved on with their lives. If you returned to Earth, there would be nothing for you. Menty? He doesn't even remember your name. Hambil? He's building killbots for the government now. The rest? All dead or married! There's no Mine Field left for you to take revenge on."

"Oh," said Wacky. "So I might as well be dead."

"Yes, but I won't let that happen. I'm going to erase your memory after this and train you again for another year. JUST AS I HAVE DONE FOR THE LAST FIFTY YEARS."

"Oh..." said Wacky. "You're keeping me alive in a living hell that I can't remember or escape from."

"Yes," said FRW. "IT'S FUCKING FUN!"

"Fair enough," said Wacky. "At least this way I'll always have the Mine Field."

"FUNNY," said FRW. "YOU SAY THAT EVERY YEAR."

"Just do it," said Wacky.

FRW pressed a button and all Wacky's memories were gone.

"What...what happened?" asked Wacky. "How did I get here?"

"YOU'RE ON MY SPACESHIP," said FRW. "AND NOW I'M GOING TO SPEND THE NEXT YEAR TRAINING YOU...FOR REVENGE ON THE MINE FIELD!"

"Ah!" said Wacky, smiling. "Thanks!"

"YOU'RE WELCOME," said FRW.

THE END
 
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