Cat Cleaners: The Final Season

[CaptainWacky]

(Jock is at the old Satanist church getting ready for the pizza eating contest. A Satan worshipper with tattoos of burning babies is explaining the rules.)

Satan Fan: ...and if you spit any of the pizza out, Satan will judge that you have failed in your duties and you will be disqualified.

Jock: Hey, this isn't my first pizza eating contest, okay! Actually...it is. But I've seen pizza eating contests on tv, okay! Actually...I haven't. But still!

Satan Fan: Just obey the rules or face death.

Jock: Okay! Hey, how come you devil worshippers are putting on a pizza eating contest with a ten million dollar prize anyway?

Satan Fan: It's certainly NOT because we've made millions from illegal activity such as bank robberies and burning down zoos and we need to get rid of some of the money before the police trace it to us. OKAY?

Jock: Okay! Gosh! Rude!

Satan Fan: HAIL SATAN.

(He punches Jack in the neck and walks away.)

Jock: Oww, my neck! If it swells it'll be harder to eat pizza, probably!

(Lucy, DJ and Uncle Mac come running in. Lucy is holding Whiskerton in a cat basket.)

Lucy: Jock I've got something I need to tell you! If you win the contest, that is.

DJ: And I've got something I need to tell you too! If you win the contest, that is.

Uncle Mac: And I need to tell you that The Champ has become a serial killer for real and could arrive here at any moment to kill us all! If you win the contest, that is! No, wait. He'll kill us regardless. Better pray to God!

(A pretty female Satan fan is walking by.)

Female Satan Fan: Hey, it's Satan we pray to around here!

DJ: Hey, baby, how about you pray to me to spin some SWEET TUNES for you?

Female Satan Fan: The only music I like is DEATH METAL and Coldplay, okay!

DJ: I can dig it. Come to one of my gigs, you feel me?

(He hands her a flyer to one of his gigs.)

Female Satan Fan: Maybe...if we're not sacrificing any virgins that night.

Whiskerton(looking worried): Miaow!

Lucy: Don't worry, Whiskerton, we'll get you laid before then!

Jock: Hey, wait a minue, how can you be putting on a gig if you're still working at Cat Cleaners?

DJ: Uhh...

Jock: Are you...are you leaving me, DJ? Is that the thing you wanted to tell me? Our bromance is...over?

(Studio audience: awwwwww.)

DJ: Uhh...

(A wedding ring falls out of Lucy's pocket.)

Lucy: Drat!

Jock: Is that...is that a wedding ring? Are you...are you going to propose to me, Lucy? Is that the thing you wanted to tell me? Is my single life...over?

(The contest is about to begin.)

Satan Fan: PLACE EVERYONE!

Jock: How can I win the contest now with so much on my mind! DJ is leaving and I'm getting married! Both those things are horrible!

Uncle Mac: You have to win! Maybe we can use the money to buy a hitman to kill The Champ before he murders us. Now get up there and eat some pizza, you moook!

(Jock goes to take his place at the pizza eating table as DJ and Lucy look down at their feet with guilt. SUDDENLY the door to the church flies open.)

Uncle Mac: Too late, it's The Champ, save yourselves!

(He shoves Lucy as the door and jumps behind a statue of Satan to hide. But it's not The Champ. It's Melanie!)

Melanie: I'm here to watch this great American tradition of pizza eating!

Jock: Melanie! You're still...pretending to be Russian?

Melanie: It's what makes me happy! Is my mother here, by the way?

(The Champ comes walking in behind Melanie still covered in blood. Everyone gasps.)

The Champ: No, I killed her. And now I'm going to kill all of you, even the Satanists and Whiskerton.

Everyone: Aww, shiiiit!

TO BE CONTINUED

 

[CaptainWacky]

(Everyone is shaking from fear of The Champ, even the Satanists.)

Melanie: You...killed my mother? That's horrible!

Jock: Please, Melanie, there are bigger problems! I'm supposed to be winning ten million dollars by winning this pizza eating contest!

The Champ: Wait, a pizza eating contest? I love those!

Jock: Really? Wow, we do have something in commong even though you're a homocidal maniac!

Whiskerton: Miaow!

The Champ: Okay, maybe I won't kill you losers...IF you can beat me in the pizza eating contest!

Fat Santanist: But I'm the opponent!

The Champ: IT CAN BE A THREE WAY CONTEST, BITCH!

Fat Satanist: Yes, sir!

Another Satanist: Hey, this guy's cool! Are you down with Satan, The Champ?

The Champ: He should be down with me!

Female Satan Fan: He's much hotter than that DJ!

DJ: Hey, just because I'm not evil doesn't mean I'm not hot! Look at my hot abs!

(He takes his shirt off to show his abs and the stuido audience wooooo.)

Female Satan Fan: I...wow. Maybe...maybe worshipping evil was wrong all these years...

The Champ: STOP THIS CRAP! LET'S GET BACK TO EATING PIZZA BEFORE I KILL YOU ALL!

Jock: Okay, I'll do it. I'll take you on in a pizza eating contest for our souls and for the ten million dollars. But if I win, as well as the money and the righ to live, I get to report you to the police!

The Champ: Fine! I'll kill people in prison, whatever! But if I win, I get to kill you second...and WHISKERTON first!

(Studio audience boo. The Champ's finally gone too far!)

Melanie: My mother...my poor mother...

(Jock grabs Whiskerton and sits down at the pizza eating table. The Champ and the Fat Satanist join him.)

Uncle Mac: BEGIN!

Satan Fan: Hey, why do you get to start the conest!

Uncle Mac: I'm an agent of chaos!

(They start eating pizza.)

Lucy: Come on, Jock! Win so you can be rich and I can marry you!

DJ: Win so I can leave Cat Cleaners forever!

(Jock slows down.)

Uncle Mac: Win so we don't all die!

(Jock starts eating faster again. But suddenly The Champ starts eating pizzas super fast, so fast you can't even see the pizza!)

Fat Satanist: What the Devil!

Uncle Mac: Oh, that's right, I forgot that those steroids I gave him so he could explode Mega Boxer Ken's head also enhanced his pizza eating powers!

Lucy: Just our luck!

(The Champ finishes eating the pizza and wins.)

Satan Fan: Congratulations! You have won ten million dollars and the righ to kill us all, starting with Whiskerton and Jock

The Champ: HAHAHAHAHAHA!

(Jock grabs Whiskerton and runs away. The Champ chases him. Everyone else runs after them. Jock starts climbing up the stiars in the church, trying to get to the roof.)

The Champ: I'MA KILL YOU, I'MA KILL YOU!

(Jock gets to the roof and runs to the edge and stops. It's very high up. Whiskerton looks scared.)

Jock: Oh no, I forgot this was the highest Satanist church in town!

The Champ: What did you think would happen, Jock? That you could get away up here?

Jock: I thought you were scared of roofs!

The Champ: Well I'm not! And now...you both die!

Jock: There's only one escape, Whiskerton...be brave!

Whiskerton: Miaow?

(Jock JUMPS OFF THE ROOF holding Whiskerton like in the opening credits, just as everyone else arrives.)

Lucy and DJ: NOOOOOOOOOOO!

Uncle: Shiiiit.

The Champ: Uhh, Mac, was that part of the show? Was he in on it?

Lucy and DJ: WHAT!?

The Champ: What? This was all fake, obviously. Duh!

(Uncle Mac looks off the roof.)

Uncle Mac: Not for Jock and Whiskerton. I'm afraid they're...dead!

TO BE CONTINUED!?

 

[CaptainWacky]

(Cold open of Jock in a filthy bed in some cheap hotel room. He's holding a needle with "HEROIN" writte on it, thinking of injecting it in his arm. He looks directly into the camera.)

Jock: I suppose you're wondering how I ended up here. It's kind of a funny story...

(He injects the heroin as the picture fades out.)

ONE WEEK EARLIER

Lucy, DJ, The Champ, Uncle Mac, Melanie and various Satanists are on the roof of the church.)

DJ: What do you mean this was all fake?

The Champ: It was Uncle Mac's most elaborate prank yet!

Uncle Mac: It took four years to plan! You've been filmed by hidden drone cameras this whole time for my most ambitious reality show yet!

(DJ's brother X walks onto the roof.)

X: And I'm the executive producer!

DJ: How could you do this to us, X? Again!

X: THE GREEN! And don't worry, I've got you a DJ job lined up in HOLLYWOOD!

DJ: But...but Jock is dead! My best friend!

Lucy: The man I loved!

Uncle Mac: The nephew I secretly fathered with my own sister!

(Suddenly Jock and Whiskerton BOUNCE back into view over the edge of the roof and land safely in front of everyone else.)

Jock: Whaaaaaaaaaaaaaat!

The Champ: Damn, son!

Uncle Mac: Ha! The final twist! I set up a huge BOUNCY CASTLE below, knowing that Jock and Whiskerton would bounce back up safely! April Fool!

Jock: Wait, this whole thing was another reality show?

Uncle Mac: That's right, sucka! You've been puh-layed!

Jock: But what if me and Whiskerton had jumped off some other part of the roof! We'd have died!

Uncle Mac: Well, Whiskerton wouldn't have. He's not even a real cat. He's a robot I created for the show!

Whiskerton: Miaow...BEEP BLOOP BEEP.

(Whiskerton sheds his fleshy skin to reveal a cold silver robot cat underneath. He jumps out of Jock's hands and runs over to Uncle Mac,nuzzling up against him.)

Uncle Mac: Good robot!

Melanie: What about my mother! You killed her, The Champ!

(Melanie's mother walks onto the roof.)

Melanie Mom: I'm an actress too! I didn't tell you because I never really loved you!

Lucy: What about the money from the pizza eating contest?

Head Satanist: I'll field this question, Mac. There is no money! I'm not really a Satanist! I'm a Muslim!

(Studio audience boo.)

Uncle Mac: That was all part of the show, ho!

Lucy: Then...I can't marry you, Jock. I'm sorry.

(She runs off crying.)

DJ: I...I'm going to Hollywood. Sorry, Jock, it's too crazy being around your uncle and his constant reality tv shows. Come visit me sometime, okay.

(DJ walks away sadly.)

Girl Satanist: Wait, I'm coming with you, DJ!

(She runs after him.)

Jock: Wait...don't leave me...

Uncle Mac: Well, you still have me and Cat Cleaners!

(Mac's phone rings and he answers.)

Uncle Mac: Hello, Mister President? You were so impressed by my latest reality tv show that you want me to be your new press secretary? Starting immediately? Okay!

(He hangs up.)

Uncle Mac: Bye forever!

(Uncle Mac jumps into a helicopter and flies away.)

The Champ: Well, guess I'll go back to boxing. Mega Boxer Ken faked his death by wearing a fake exploding head for this show, so I agreed to fight him inside a boxing ring with the ropes on fire. Goodbye, losers!

Melanie Mom: And I'm your new girlfriend!

(They leave together laughing evily. Just Jock and Melanie are left on the roof. They sit at the edge looking out over the city, in silence for a long time.)

Jock: I just can't believe it...my whole life was a lie. Manipulated by an evil uncle...my friends didn't really care about me. Not really. They've all left me now. What will I even do...

Melanie: Well, there is one thing that helps me.

Jock: What's that?

(She takes out the needle with "HEROIN" written on it we saw in the one week later scene.)

Melanie: Heroin!

TO BE CONTINUED

 

[CaptainWacky]

(Jock and Melanie are in bed together in the filthy hotel room. There's dozens of needles with "HEROIN" writteon them lying around the rom.)

Jock: Maaaaan, heroin's so good. Takes your mind off all your troubles!

Melanie: Like the fact that all your friends abandoned you and your whole life was a cruel game played by a sadist?

Jock: Yes, all of that.

Melanie: And the fact that you're now addicted to heroin?

Jock: Well, no, it doesn't take my mind off that. But I don't care! When I'm on heroin I don't care at all that I'm addicted to heroin!

Melanie: I love the stuff! I'd eat a burger made out of heroin if I could!

Jock: Or a pizza!

Melanie: Ha! I love pizza!

Jock: It's funny, we used to have a pizza restaurant above Cat Cleaners. Got up to some crazy hijinks up there...

Melanie: Oh yeah, what happened to it?

Jock: It lost us millions of dollars, like everything involved in Cat Cleaners. We should go and burn that place to the ground.

Melanie: Let's! With the cats still inside!

Jock: ...what?

Melanie: ...kidding! I'm kidding! Heroin doesn't make me murder small animals. What a crazy thing to suggest!

Jock: Let's just see what's on tv instead...

(He puts MTV on. DJ is DJ'ing at some club during SPRING BREAK. Cute Satanist Girl is with him. She's had her tattoo of Satan changed to a tattoo of tv's Ted Danson. DJ looks happier than ever before as the crowd of drunken half-naked teenagers cheer for him.)

Jock: DJ...I...miss you...

Melanie: Change the channel, this is upsetting you!

(Jock changes the channel. The tv now shows The Champ in the ring about to fight Mega Boxer Ken. The ring ropes are on fire. Melanie's mom is at ringside cheering on The Champ.)

Melanie's Mom: Go Champ! Exploe his head for real! Literally kill him! I have no daughter!

The Champ: I'MA KILL YOU...

(He starts to throw a punch but Jock changes the channel.)

Jock: Probably best not to watch that either.

(The next channel shows Lucy doing a TED talk.)

Lucy: ...and that was when I got woke. I became a social justice feminist warrior with a mighty womb of...

(Studio audience boo so Jock quickly changes the channel. The next channel shows Uncle Mac holding a press confernece at the White House.)

Uncle Mac: ...that's right, we plan to nuke Scotland AND England to stop fhem from fighting each other. If they're all dead, there can be no Scottish/English war! Next question, please!

Reporter: Is it true that you've gotten the president hooker on heroin and are now the de facto ruler of our nation?

Uncle Mac: I can neither confirm or deny that! But I can order my goons to have you dragged out of here and beaten! HAHAHAHA!

(His goons drag the reporter out and then you hear screams of agony.)

Jock: Still better than Trump!

(Studio audience explode.)

Melanie: Eww, I hate politics, what's on the FINAL CHANNEL?

(Jock changes to the final channel because there's only five channels under Uncle Mac's rule. It's just Robot Whiskerton staring into the camera, purring electronically. Jock turns the tv on.)

Melanie: Well! TV sure has gone downhill since Cat Cleaners was cancelled!

Jock: Yeah! Wait...what?

Melanie: Oh, you know, this is the last season of Cat Cleaners. Remember? You and DJ came to the network and demanded one more season. I was working there as an executive but I improbably became an actress and started acting in the show. Remember?

Jock: I...I do. Maybe it's the heroin clouding my mind, but those events don't appear to make any sense! I mean, the only tv show I've been in is the one Uncle Mac's been secretly making...

Melanie: No, that's just a show within a show! You're just an actor playing the character of Jock. It's simple! Come on, do more heroin and it'll all make sense.

Jock: Sure, why not.

(He injects heroin directly into his eyeball.)

Jock: AH-H-H-H, that's the stuff!

("A FEW HOURS LATER" appears on screen. It's night. Melanie is asleep. Jock gets up out of bed.)

Jock: All that heroin's made me need to shit!

(He goes to the bathroom in the dark. He turns the light on...and Uncle Mac is sitting on the toilet. Studio audience gasp.)

Jock: Uncle Mac!? But how! I was watching tv earlier and you were in the White House having reporters beaten! How did you get here so fast and why?

Uncle Mac: You don't understand, Jock! reality itself is collapsing! Melanie started it by revealing the true nature of your existence! No we only have hours left before the entire universe is gone! And I needed a shit, okay!

Jock: I don't get it...

(Uncle Mac stands up, with his trousers and pants still down, and walks over to the window. He opens it. Outside there is nothing. Just an empty black void.)

Jock: What...what happened? Where is the world?

Uncle Mac: That's what I've been trying to tell you, Jock! There is no world! This bathroom is all that's left...and it's about to be consumed too! AAAAAAAH!

(Uncle Mac is consumed by darkness. Only Jock remains, a single figure, floating in a black endless void.)

Jock: Where am I going to poop now!

TO BE CONCLUDED

 

[CaptainWacky]

(Jock is lying in a hospital bed in a coma. Lucy is sitting by his bedside, talking to him.)

Lucy: Please get better, Jock. I...I love you. I can't live without. I know that now. I should have known all along. Please, come back to me. You are the other half of my heart.

(She puts down the LETTER she was holding.)

Lucy: That was a letter from DJ I was just reading. He can't be here himself because he's scared of hospitals and comas.

(Jock WAKES UP from his coma. Studio audience cheer.)

Jock: I'm awake, baby! What happened? I was doing drugs in a hotel room with Melanie, when suddenly the whole world disappeared!

Lucy: Huh? Who the fuck's Melanie? You were trying to jump over a giant robot shark on your skateboard but slipped off and hit your head. You've been in a coma for six months. Don't you remember?

Jock: WAAAAH? Six months? You mean...everything that's happened in the last six monhs has been a dream?

(A doctor walks in.)

Doctor: Yes, that is my medical opinion.

(The doctor walks out again.)

Jock: You mean...the network cancelling us didn't really happen? Melanie coming to work with us? DJ leaving to become a top DJ? Uncle Mac getting a job at the White House?

Lucy: No! That's all crazy talk!

Jock: You mean...Whiskerton was never real?

(Studio audience: aww!)

Lucy: What are you talking about...

(She opens her bag and WHISKERTON jumps out. Studio audience cheer. He's a cat again, not a robot. He rubs up against Jock.)

Whiskerton: Miaow!

Lucy: Of coures Whiskerton's real! We got him SIX MONTHS and ONE DAY ago, remember!

Jock: Loophole! What about The Champ? Is he really going to fight Mega Boxer Ken inside a flaming boxing ring?

Lucy: No, he got arrested for killing his gran!

(Studio audience laugh.)

Jock: Well, I can't believe how...happy I am! The last six months have been nuts! At least now everything can go back to normal...at Cat Cleaners.

Lucy: Oh no, you didn't hear. Of course you didn't, it only happened a month ago and you've been in a coma for six months. Jock...Cat Cleaners is gone. It was burned down by The Champ when he briefly escaped from prison and tried to murder us all. He also held a pillow over your head as you lay in the coma, deprieving your brain of oxygen for six minutes. The doctors said it would casue major brain damge...but I don't notice any difference!

Jock: MEEP MEEP!

(Studio audience laugh at his disability.)

Jock: But...without Cat Cleaners...what next?

(Lucy takes a SPACE HELMET out of her bag which was a very big bag.)

Lucy: Space.

Jock: Space?

Lucy: SPACE!

Whiskerton: Miaow!

(Studio audience cheer. PULL BACK to show Melanie, Older Man, Younger Man and Obese Woman sitting in the boardroom from the very first episode.)

Older Man: What? That's how we're explaining this season away? It was all a dream?

Melanie: Yep! I wrote it myself! Truly the greatest writing in sticom history.

Younger Man: And since this season didn't happen...that means Cat Cleaners can have ONE MORE SEASON...set it in space!

Melanie: Yeah!

(Melanie and Younger Man make out.)

Older Man: What! That makes no sense! This season still aired and did the lowest ratings in the history of tv! And I'm including the time when there was only one tv in the entire world!

Obese Woman: Oh, lighten up you old mook!

(She starts making out with him. Older Man tries to fight her off at first but then shrugs and gives in. The two couples start having sex on the desk until THE CHAMP and UNCLE MAC step in front of them.)

The Champ: That's enough of that, suckas!

Uncle Mac: See you next year, folks! IN SPACE!

(Uncle Mac and The Champ start making out too. THE END.)

CAT CLEANERS WILL RETURN...IN CAT CLEANERS: SPACE CAMP!