What's new
Troll Kingdom

This is a sample guest message. Register a free account today to become a member! Once signed in, you'll be able to participate on this site by adding your own topics and posts, as well as connect with other members through your own private inbox!

My mum died this morning

And I hate how it's already been nearly four weeks and I feel like I'm watching my life from the outside and maybe I'm already dead and this is just it flashing before my eyes?
 
Slowly as you find yourself getting into new/altered routines, and still waking up the next day, things will seem less am-I-dreaming-or-am-I-awake.

Back in my similar time, sometimes I would wake up from vivid dreams involving my mother, and I had to take a second to remind myself what the reality is.
 
Had some blood tests last week and now they say I need a fasting glucose blood test so yeah could have diabetes which puts you massively at risk of heart disease just going to die why even try.

(Sorry I know people don't like hearing stuff like this but what else can I say. Will try to watch a lot of tv before dying.))
 
CaptainWacky said:
Had some blood tests last week and now they say I need a fasting glucose blood test so yeah could have diabetes which puts you massively at risk of heart disease just going to die why even try.

(Sorry I know people don't like hearing stuff like this but what else can I say. Will try to watch a lot of tv before dying.))
Click to expand...

What Cassie said.
I think these types of tests are pretty standard, especially as we reach certain ages.
 
CaptainWacky said:
It was sudden and unexpected. She was only 71. Just felt like I needed to post this since I don't have much in my life but her and this board. I probably won't be online for a while. Love you all, talk to you soon.
Click to expand...

I know I'm not around much anymore, but I'm so sorry to hear this Wacky. I hope you're bearing up OK. Sorry to drag this thread back into the top.
 
Thanks Gagh.

Keep running into people who knew her (another one today) who all tell me what a great person she was and how shocked they are...which is nicer than saying she was a horrible person and they didn't care, I know, but it's kind of tough.
 
I had a dream last night where she was back in the house and I asked her if she was feeling better and she said she was, like she'd just been ill and was better now. Then I woke up, obviously. So that fucked me up the rest of the day.

(Sorry if I'm over-sharing.)
 
I think the first time I dreamed of my dad again he got into a swimming pool and died in there right in front of me with a ton of blood floating out of him, so that wasn't great. After that they tended to be better, like he had been working away, but had come back. Eventually even in the dreams my mind fully accepted that he was dead, and that these times I get to spend with him should just be enjoyed, I remember him liking a model I had built (in real life that day), and another time just before I got married I dreamed he was sharing a drink with me and my future father in law and they were getting on great.

My brother died aboard after he emigrated to Spain, I didn't go to see him before he went, which I regret, but I wouldn't have liked to see him suffering.

One of the last things he said (so my sister in law tells me) is when he could no longer see the people around him, was "no dad, I'm not ready to come with you"

I believe we see those we have lost again when its our turn to go, and the best thing about this belief, is that if I am wrong, I will never know.
 
I still dream my grandma is calling me sometimes, but I've never had a real dream about her that I remember. Sometimes I hear her call my name and I wake up and it takes me a minute to realize that she's not there.
 
CaptainWacky said:
I had a dream last night where she was back in the house and I asked her if she was feeling better and she said she was, like she'd just been ill and was better now. Then I woke up, obviously. So that fucked me up the rest of the day.

(Sorry if I'm over-sharing.)
Click to expand...
It's really surreal if you haven't lived near your Mom for years and still don't live where she used to. Because then your frame of reference is coming home to visit. Oh, and because I was in another state and my brother isn't good at doing unpleasant things or letting go of things, I wasn't able to sell the farm, so he has it. I had lots and lots of dreams where I'd come home to visit. And they were so completely and utterly normal that the next day I'd be like "But that can't be right. We had a funeral. I processed your estate. Your money is in my account and some of your stuff is in my house now."
 
Today would have been her 72nd birthday. It doesn't actually get easier, just finds new ways to get worse. Can't talk to people and when I try it doesn't make a difference. I think on the outside it looks like I'm coping okay because I'm managing to look after myself and do things, but on the inside there's just a gaping feeling of pointlessness to everything. And let's face it I always had that to some degree. Just going to live like this and then die myself (hopefully not for a while but who knows.) Who's idea was it to make human life like this anyway?
 
It is pretty sucky. Really sucky. It doesn't get easier CaptainWacky. I have dealt with a lot of deaths these last 2 years and I hate all of it. I am sorry for the grief you are going through and wish it weren't so and wish it were easier and that there were something that would make it so, but you hit the nail on the head, its tough.
 
Keep looking after yourself and keep doing things, because someday, those dire feelings will soften and hopefully fade. And when you're ready to take on more of life, you will have been active all that time and won't have to stumble before you walk.

Or as AA says, "Fake it till you make it." It makes a difference.
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top