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Saint Lucifer? Who's that?

Ishcabittle said:
Greetings.

Please post something we can all laugh at.

Thank you.
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Hello everyone!

I was a very sick person for the first 20 years of my life!. My mother used to have to do all my typing, because I couldn‘t. She used to cry a lot!



Mommy was always sad back then, but bless her heartt she would always say it's not my fault. I asked her once if it was God's fault, but she didn't answer, and only started crying harder, so I didn’t ask her that
again.

The reason she was so sad is that I was VERY sick. You see I was born without a body. It didn't hurt, except when I went to sleep. The doctors gave me an artificial body. My body was a burlap bag filled with leaves.



The doctors said that it was the best they could do on account of us havin' no money or insurance. I dreamed and wished every day to have a body transplant, but we needed more money.

Mommy couldn't work because she said employers don't hire crying people. I always said, "Don't cry, Mommy," and she hugged my burlap body. Mommy always gave me hugs, even though she's allergic to burlap, and it chafes her real bad. I wished somebody could help us.



That is when we met Dr. Van Nostrem from the Cryptophallasa clinic!



Dr. Van Nostrem from the Clinic was an old school friend of Bill Gates!



Dr. Nostrem contacted his old friend and together they came up with a plan for my dream to come true and for my mommy’s crying to stop! You see Mr Gates arranged that if an email with the details of my plight could be forwarded to 1billion people from every continent on the globe then he would team up with AOL and do a survey with NASA. Then the astronauts would collect prayers from school children from all over the world and take them up to space so that the angels can hear them better.



The doctors said that every time you forward the letter, the astronauts can take another prayer to the angels.



Then they would go to the Pope, and he would take up collections in church and send the money to the doctors. The doctors could help me get better then.



My dream was to be able to play baseball one day but it seemed impossible. Or even to just use my lungs and heartt, when the doctors made them.

 
I begged for you to help me. Mommy was so sad, and I wanted a body so badly. We were so poor that we couldn’t afford to pay little Jimmy Armstrong to collect fresh leaves for my burlap sack anymore and I didn’t want my leaves to rot before I turned 21.



Mommy said that people who didn’t forward the email were mean heartless shitheads who didn't care about poor little man with only a head. She said that, if you didn't stew in the raw pit of your own guilt-ridden stomach, she hoped you’d die a long slow horrible death so that you could burn forever in the tar pits of hell.



But honestly What kind of goddamned person would you be if you couldn’t take five fucking minutes to
forward the email to all your friends so that they could feel guilt and shame for the rest of their day, and then maybe help a poor, bodiless 20 year-old?

I always tried to be happy but it was hard. I wished I had a puppy. I wished I could hold a puppy. One time I had a puppy but he ate my leaves.



Thankfully over 1.32 billion people found it in their hearts to forward my email on!!!. The first lot of prayers collected were unfortunately destroyed in the Challenger Space shuttle disaster L



Thankfully the astronauts in the discovers space shuttle were able to deliver all of the children’s prayers to the angels!!



I am happy to report that the operation was a complete success! My Mommy no longer cries!



Thanks once again to the help of Bill Gates I have been able to get a list of all the people that forwarded my original call for help. So to those people I give my most sincerest thanks and god blesses:



To those who didn’t take part:

May you genitals be infested with 10,000 camel lice!



May all your teeth fall out and you develop a perverted taste for spinach!



Burn in hell you miserable fucking assholes!!!

Saint Lolly Gobbling Lucifer
 
SamhainP8 said:
Get in line.
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The only line you should get into is the one for school, specifically Kindergarten. Any moron who uses the name SAMHAIN and claims to be Celtic deserves to be properly educated.
 
Ishcabittle said:
So far, Lucy's been a douche. Let's see if she'll go for USED DOUCHE!



WELL DUH! YOU EVER BEEN TO DETROIT?
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I merely wished to point out American cowardice. Imagine surrendering simply because Sir General Isaac Brock wrote the leader of the Detroit garrison a letter stating he could not be held responsible for any Iroquois actions in the event of defeat? You surrendered to a fucking piece of paper. LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL. I say Canada send Bush a similar letter forcing him to surrender to Canadian forces. LOL.
 
SaintLucifer said:
I merely wished to point out American cowardice. Imagine surrendering simply because Sir General Isaac Brock wrote the leader of the Detroit garrison a letter stating he could not be held responsible for any Iroquois actions in the event of defeat? You surrendered to a fucking piece of paper. LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL. I say Canada send Bush a similar letter forcing him to surrender to Canadian forces. LOL.
Click to expand...

arrived.jpg
 
SaintLucifer said:
The only line you should get into is the one for school, specifically Kindergarten. Any moron who uses the name SAMHAIN and claims to be Celtic deserves to be properly educated.
Click to expand...

I thought it was all an act at first and merely a part of your on-line persona in the attempt to troll. But as it turns out you really are a dumb fuck. :anim_laug



Although not the best known of Glenn Danzig's musical projects, the short-lived Samhain helped bridge the gap between the fierce punk of his Misfits days with the Sabbath-y metal blues of his solo band, Danzig. As most Danzig disciples know, the New Jersey-born singer first made a name for himself with the aforementioned Misfits, a group that merged a horror/comic book image with punk rock. Although an "underground" band during their tenure together in the late '70s/early '80s, the Misfits obtained much more attention after their split, no doubt due to the over the top admiration of Danzig and company by Metallica (whose members seemed to wear an endless stream of Misfits T-shirts at one point), which led to the continuous growth of their large cult fan base.


Some expected Danzig to launch a solo career right after the Misfits (he'd issued an obscure 7" single during his tenure with the band), but he instead decided to form Samhain. Although Samhain was basically a solo vehicle for Danzig (he was the group's singer and songwriter, and also played an assortment of instruments on subsequent recordings -- guitar, bass, piano, drums, etc.), he was joined by a variety of musicians during their existence. Initially, Danzig and onetime Misfits photographer and roadie Eerie Von (on drums) began rehearsing and writing for Samhain during the summer of 1983. After only a few months, however, Von decided to move over to bass, as Undead drummer Steve Zing took his place. With former Minor Threat guitarist Lyle Preslar signing on soon after, Samhain recorded their debut album, Initium, which was issued in 1984.


But Preslar's tenure with the band was incredibly short, as Pete Marshall, better known to Samhain fans as "Damien," replaced him. This lineup remained together for a lone release, 1985's extremely limited-edition four-track EP Unholy Passion, before another lineup hiccup occurred when Zing was replaced with London May. This would turn out to be the longest lasting of Samhain's many lineups, and was the one that appeared on 1986's November-Coming-Fire. By early 1987, Damien was handed his walking papers, and was interchanged with newcomer John Christ. The new lineup was supposed to issue a recording in 1988 (under the title of Samhain Grim), but the recording was ultimately shelved, as Danzig opted to change the name of the band to Danzig (Samhain Grim was eventually released two years later, retitled Final Descent).

Although Danzig had repeatedly squashed reunion rumors regarding his former bands, he briefly resuscitated Samhain in late 1999 for live shows, as a mammoth five-CD box set entitled Samhain was issued the following year. Samhain collected all four of their releases as well as a live disc that combined tracks from a 1985 show in New York City and a 1986 show in Chicago. This fifth disc was given a its own separate release in 2002, under the title of Live, 85-86, by which time Danzig had put Samhain back in mothballs and returned to solo work. However, Danzig did reunite in the studio with Zing and "reunion-era" Samhain guitarist Todd Youth for the project Son of Sam and their 2001 release, Songs from the Earth. ~ Greg Prato, All Music Guide
 
SamhainP8 said:
I thought it was all an act at first and merely a part of your on-line persona in the attempt to troll. But as it turns out you really are a dumb fuck. :anim_laug



Although not the best known of Glenn Danzig's musical projects, the short-lived Samhain helped bridge the gap between the fierce punk of his Misfits days with the Sabbath-y metal blues of his solo band, Danzig. As most Danzig disciples know, the New Jersey-born singer first made a name for himself with the aforementioned Misfits, a group that merged a horror/comic book image with punk rock. Although an "underground" band during their tenure together in the late '70s/early '80s, the Misfits obtained much more attention after their split, no doubt due to the over the top admiration of Danzig and company by Metallica (whose members seemed to wear an endless stream of Misfits T-shirts at one point), which led to the continuous growth of their large cult fan base.


Some expected Danzig to launch a solo career right after the Misfits (he'd issued an obscure 7" single during his tenure with the band), but he instead decided to form Samhain. Although Samhain was basically a solo vehicle for Danzig (he was the group's singer and songwriter, and also played an assortment of instruments on subsequent recordings -- guitar, bass, piano, drums, etc.), he was joined by a variety of musicians during their existence. Initially, Danzig and onetime Misfits photographer and roadie Eerie Von (on drums) began rehearsing and writing for Samhain during the summer of 1983. After only a few months, however, Von decided to move over to bass, as Undead drummer Steve Zing took his place. With former Minor Threat guitarist Lyle Preslar signing on soon after, Samhain recorded their debut album, Initium, which was issued in 1984.


But Preslar's tenure with the band was incredibly short, as Pete Marshall, better known to Samhain fans as "Damien," replaced him. This lineup remained together for a lone release, 1985's extremely limited-edition four-track EP Unholy Passion, before another lineup hiccup occurred when Zing was replaced with London May. This would turn out to be the longest lasting of Samhain's many lineups, and was the one that appeared on 1986's November-Coming-Fire. By early 1987, Damien was handed his walking papers, and was interchanged with newcomer John Christ. The new lineup was supposed to issue a recording in 1988 (under the title of Samhain Grim), but the recording was ultimately shelved, as Danzig opted to change the name of the band to Danzig (Samhain Grim was eventually released two years later, retitled Final Descent).

Although Danzig had repeatedly squashed reunion rumors regarding his former bands, he briefly resuscitated Samhain in late 1999 for live shows, as a mammoth five-CD box set entitled Samhain was issued the following year. Samhain collected all four of their releases as well as a live disc that combined tracks from a 1985 show in New York City and a 1986 show in Chicago. This fifth disc was given a its own separate release in 2002, under the title of Live, 85-86, by which time Danzig had put Samhain back in mothballs and returned to solo work. However, Danzig did reunite in the studio with Zing and "reunion-era" Samhain guitarist Todd Youth for the project Son of Sam and their 2001 release, Songs from the Earth. ~ Greg Prato, All Music Guide
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You call me 'dumb' yet you just finished proving me correct. LOL. Duh?
 
*whispered announcer type voice*

"What SaintLucifer has yet to realize is that he/she/it is actually the very definition of 'cliche troll'. Let's see if he/she/it gets it in the next post. Let's watch!!!"
 
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