The Simpsons season 58

[CaptainWacky]

(Six years have passed. Homer is lying on the couch watching the live broadcast of Krusty's funeral on tv. Homer looks horribly ill.)

Kent Brockman(on tv): We may never know why Krusty was brutally murdered by a shotgun blast to the chest, why his body was found dumped in Springfield Gorge. All we know is this: he will be missed. Oh God, will he missed. My daughter hasn't stopped crying since she heard the news. Three weeks now and she has not stopped crying. Please, God, make it stop. Make it all go away.

(On tv we see Sideshow Mel trying to throw himself into Krusty's open grave.)

Homer: Hehe, Mel's lost it!

(Homer looks around. No one is in the room but Santa's Little Helper, who is now morbidly obese and doesn't even look up.)

Homer: D'oh.

(Bart enters the house. 16 years old and surly, hostility shines off him. He looks like he is about to go straight upstairs before Homer shouts to him.)

Homer: Bart! Son! Krusty's funeral is on tv! Aren't you going to watch it?

Bart: Get bent.

Homer: Now, son, you should'nt talk that way to your old man...

(Bart walks right over to Homer.)

Bart: Go fuck yourself, Homer.

Homer: Hey! I might be able to do everything I used to after that containment leak at the plant hit me with a lethal dose of radiation, but I'm still your old man and you should respect me!

Bart: I don't respect shit, man! I wish you'd just hurry up and die! The doctors said you'd be gone by now, they got my hopes up for nothing! Fuck you and fuck Krusty!

Homer: You'll regret saying that when I'm gone!

Bart: I only had one parent I gave a fuck about and she's fucking dead.

Homer: Your mom isn't dead! Mr Burns is hiding her somewhere, I know it!

Bart: You've been saying that shit for five years but you've got no evidence. You're a fucking liar. She left you, she died, fucking DIED of a heroin overdose somewhere, get over it!

Homer: I...I can't tell you everything, but...

Bart: Oh shut up, Homer! I should go work for Burns, at least he's strong.

Homer: Burns is evil! He took your mother from us, he caused the accident that's going to kill me, he's done so much wrong, he wants to rule the world!

Bart: So? Good, evil, what the fuck does it matter? Like I said before, get BENT.

(Bart starts to walk away but Homer grabs his arm)

Homer: I love you, son!

(Bart pulls out a knife and stabs Homer eight times in the gut. He walks away without even checking if Homer is alive or dead.)

Homer(weakly): D'oh.

(Bart goes into the hall just as Lisa, now 14 years old, enters with her boyfriend Milhouse. Lisa is wearing a dress far too revealing for a girl her age. Milhouse is a punk now.)

Milhous:e: Hey Bart, I'm going to rail your sister, you got any coke?

Bart: Come on, Milhouse, you know I have to sell my coke for Fat Tony...

Lisa: You can spare some, Bart. I'll pay you back later, you know I'm good for it. Maybe I'll sell that saxophone, not like I've played the thing for five years now.

Bart: I don't know...

Liisa: We'll let you watch as Milhouse fucks me.

Bart: Hell yeah!

(Bart pulls a bag of cocaine out of his shorts and Lisa grins.)

Homer(off camera, weakly): Lisa...help...me...

Milhouse: You hear something, Lisa?

Lisa: Nah, let's go fuck!

(Milhouse and Lisa race up the stairs as Bart follows, looking up LIsa's skirt and licking his lips.)

Homer: So...this is...the end...

(Santa's Little Helper whimpers as he notices Homer's blood start to stain the carpet.)

Homer: I guess if Marge really is dead...I'll be with her soon...

(Maggie walks in. She is seven years old. She hears the dog whimpering and runs into the tv room.)

Maggie: Dad! What...who did this!

Homer: Ambulance...

(Maggie quickly phones an ambulance. She tries to stop Homer's bleeding with her own hands.)

Maggie: Oh dad please don't leave me, I need you...

Homer: Be...careful of Bart...he did this...

Maggie: He did!?

Homer: He is...dangerous...

(Homer passes out. Maggie looks full of anger at her brother. She picks up the phone again and dials another number.)

Moe(on the phone): Moe's Tavern, who the fuck is this?

Maggie: It's Maggie. Yeah, that's right, Maggie Simpson. I need you to have someone killed for me, Moe.

Moe: Uhh, I don't know what you're talking about, Maggie...

Maggie: I know you have mob connections, Moe, I'm not some dumb kid.

Moe: Ain't you seven?

Maggie: I know what goes on in this town. I listen. And I can pay. Mom left me a lot of money in a secret account. Now can you help me, or not?

Moe: Sure, kid, sure...who do you want offed?

Maggie: My brother. Bart. Bart Simpson. Fucking end him.

TO BE CONTINUED

 

[CaptainWacky]

(Bart is riding his skateboard through town, looking for people to deal coke to. The streets are a mess. Springfield is a hellhole now. Sideshow Mel is walking down Main Street, completely naked.)

Bart: Hey Mel, you want some coke?

Mel: The only drug I need...is RIGHT HERE!

(Mel grabs his own cock.)

Bart: Cool.

(Bart rides on. He sees Lunchlady Doris sleeping rough. He stop to spit on her. She doesn't even notice. He's about to leave when someone grabs him and pulls him into a dark alley. Bart pulls out his stabbing knife.)

Bart: I just gutted my old man, don't think I won't do the same to you...oh, it's you!

(Fat Tony steps out of the shadows.)

Fat Tony: Bart, I must inform you that I have been hired for a most...unfortunate reason.

Bart: Some hired you to kill me? But I'm your best dealer!

Fat Tony: You see my predicament. I must, of course, honour the contract I have been hired to fulfil...but that does not mean I can't give you a, how you say, "head's up, dude."

Bart: And of course you hired one of your usual goons to kill me.

Fat Tony: I do not get my hands dirty.

Bart: Well who is it? Willy? Bumblebee Man? Ralph?

Fat Tony: I cannot tell you...but I can narrow it down to two. I gave one a black stone and one a white. The one with the black will try to end you.

Bart: You gangsters and your contrivances! Hey, one more thing...who was it that hired you?

Fat Tony: Once again, you know I can't tell you. But there is much to be said...for sibling rivalry.

(Fat Tony leaves. Bart thinks for a second then clenches his fist.)

Bart: Lisa! She wants to take over my cocaine business!

(Homer wakes up in a hospital bed.)

Homer: Bart...nooooo...

(He tries to get out of bed but collapes back down in agony. Doctor Hibbert walks in.)

Hibbert: Heh heh heh heh heh...I wouldn't try to move if I were you! You got stabbed up good! You're lucky to be alive. HEH HEH HEH HEH HEH.

Homer: My guts...my guts...

Hibbert: You won't be able to eat normal food for a long time, but you'll live.

Homer: You mean...the stabbing somehow cured the lethal radiaton dose I receieved five years ago?

Hibbert: What? No! Of course not! You'll still die from that. Very soon. In agony. HEH HEH HEH HEH HEH.

Homer: D'oh.

Hibbert: It's amazing you're still alive. What's your secret, Homer? How do you keep going?

Homer: Hate, Doctor Hibbert.

Hibbert: Heh heh heh heh heh...hate for who?

Homer: Burns. I must end him. It's all his fault, everything. Marge leaving. Bart turning out how he has. My death...Burns is behind it all. I will kill him, Julius. If it's the last thing I do.

Hibbert: I'd love to have him in my morgue, heh heh heh heh heh!

(Lisa is in her bedroom with MIlhouse. She looks depressed. He looks like he wants to fuck.)

Milhouse: Come on, Lisa, one more round.

Lisa: I'm not in the mood, Milly.

Milhouse: What's wrong, babe? Was it the cocaine? Bart didn't really give us very much.

Lisa: Fuck Bart.

Milhouse: Yeah, fuck that guy...do you ever think it's strange the way he likes wathcing us? I mean, your are his sister, I guess...

Lisa: Nothing that happens in this house shocks me anymore. For the last five years, ever since dad came home with radiaton sickness and mom ran away...it's been Hell.

Milhouse: Apart from when I come over to fuck you, right? RIGHT?

Lisa: Sure...

Milhouse: Oh come on, I know you care about me.

Lisa: I don't now if I'm capable of caring about anything anymore but...I don't hate you, Milhouse.

Milhouse: I'll take it!

(Milhouse start wanking over the fact that Lisa doesn't hate him while she stares blankly at her saxophone in the corner of the room. Milhouse eventually moves close to her and starts humping her back and LIsa does nothing to stop it.)

Lisa(impassively): D'oh.

(Bart has broke into a stinking, rundown apartment. He is looking around the place. We see photos of Lenny and Karl on the wall. Bart goes through a drawer and finds a black stone. Suddenly, the lights are turned on. Bart turns round to find Lenny pointing a gun at him.)

Lenny: How'd you figure it out, Bart?

Bart: White and black stones. Who else could it be.

Lenny: Fat Tony, that bastard! You could have got the drop on me! Oh well, I got to my gun in the kitchen before you could get there and find it. Should have take it out with me, but I was only going to the store for a lottery ticket...one day, I'l be lucky!

Bart: You don't want to kill me, Lenny, you wre friends with my dad.

Lenny: Of course I don't WANT to kill you, Bart. But I have to. Fat Tony will break my legs if I don't...or kill Karl and make me watch. I haven't had a job in five years! The power plant, being a nuclear technician was all I was good at!

Bart: Not good enough to stop that radiation getting out and stop this town gong to shit!

Lenny: You feel it too, don't you? It's still in the air. Burns...he let something into this world. Something that shouldn't be here...

Bart: Just hurry up and shoot me.

Lenny: I don't want to, I really don't! But after that, with the plant gone, Burns wouldn't hire me to work in his casino. I had nothing...just Karl.

Bart: Your love.

Lenny: Eww, no! I mean, we have fucked, yeah, but only out of loneliness. We have to live together because we can't afford a place by ourselves! Have to share a bed...and we're getting kicked out of here soon! Moe's a fucking devil as a landlord!

Bart: Moe has his finger in a lot of pies...

Lenny: Can't believe I used to like him. Anyway...sorry, Bart. I have to...

(Lenny pulls the trigger. Nothing happens. He stares at the gun in shock. Bart pulls out a gun of his own and shoots Lenny in the neck. Lenny falls to the ground, gurgling blood.)

Lenny: No...

Bart: I got here earlier than you though, Lenny. Took your bullets. And I didn't just find your gun, I found Karl's too. Hidden right next to yours...how cute.

(Karl walks in. He sees Lenny dying on the floor and runs over.)

Karl: No! Bart, why!

Bart: He got the black stone. And now...I have to kill you too. Sorry, Karl, can't let you come at me for revenge.

Karl: Don't, Bart, please, I've got kids, I never see them, but I...

(Bart blows Karl's head off.)

Bart: Kids are better off without fathers.

(Bart walks out of the apartment whilsting.)

TO BE CONTINUED

 

[CaptainWacky]

(Homer has just driven home from the hospital. He staggers out of his car. He sees something lying in the driveway. It is a claw hammer. He picks it up and notices the "property of Ned Flanders" sticker on it.)

Homer: Flanders...I haven't spoken to him for so long. He keeps his curtains shut now, but I don't blame him. He's a good man, a man of God. Maybe he could help me. I'll go over and return his hammer and we can have a chat...

(Maggie is standing at the window. Homer waves to her but goes to Flanders' home instead.)

Maggie: Come back to me, dad.

(Homer knocks the Flanders front door. There is no answer.)

Homer: Flanders? Ned? I'm sorry I haven't been over to see you for a while...

(He notices the door is unlocked and goes inside. It is dark. Homer gets a sick feeling in his stomach.)

Homer: Something is wrong...

(Ned steps out of the shadows. We his horrific face briefly in the little sunlight getting in through a crack in the curtains. He clearly hasn't shaved for months.)

Ned: Hi-diddly-ho, neighbourino!

Homer: Ned, you...you look different.

Ned: The old moustache got a bit out of control, but I figured what the hey! How you diddly-doing, Homer?

Homer: Ned, you know I'm terminally ill and that Marge left me and, well I guess you don't know this part but Bart just tried to murder me and Lisa's a whore now...

Ned: Mmm hmm, sounds spice-diddly-icey! But I detect a note of sadness over the old wiferino leaving you?

Homer: I love Marge more than life itself. I'd kill for her. Still.

Ned: Don't be too down in the dumps! Maybe she'll come back to you...like Maude has come backto me.

Homer: Ned...Maude died over six years ago...

Ned: That's what I thought, but the good Lor-diddly-ord had others ideas! He gave her back to me, Homer! Behold!

(Ned flicks the light switch. A figure is standing in front of Homer, wearing one of Maude's old dresses. It moans in pain. Homer's eyes take a moment to adjust to the light...then he cries out in horror.)

Homer: Ned, what have you done?

(The "person" wearing Maude's dress is actually Ned's teenage sons Rod and Todd. Their flesh has been sewn together. A wig resembling Maude's hair has been melted onto their heads, which are hideously twisted around due to being sewn together back to back. They are in agony. Ned beams with happiness as he looks at them.)

Ned: Isn't she beautiful, Homer? My Maudey!

Homer: Ned...that's Rod and Todd...what...how...

Ned: Roddy and Toddy died, Homer! But it's okay, because the good Lord used their DNA to create a new Maude! That's right, I believe in science now!

Homer: This isn't science, this is an abomination! How could you do this to your sons! HOW COULD YOU!

(Homer's grip tights aroundt he hammer he his holding. He is thinking of bashing Ned's skull in.)

Ned: Don't know what you mean, Home-diddly-omer!

Rod: Please...Uncle Homer...kill us...

Todd: We can't live like this...please...

Ned: Maude says the funniest things!

(Homer raises the hammer above his head in a rage.)

Ned: A hammer? You thinking of giving me noggin a floggin'? It's thank to you that Maude came back, frienderino!

Homer: What do you mean?

Ned: After the containment leak at the plant you caused, I started seeing the world differently. I made a new friend, a main of science, and he helped bring back Maude to me!

Homer: They're just sewn together, there's no science here!

Rod: It's more...

Todd: Oour...our organs...

(Homer looks closer and almost throws up by what he sees. Hideous scares on Rod and Todd show that they've been cut open and many of their internal organs have been taken out and swapped over to the other's body.)

Homer: Who...who would ever do such a thing...

(A closed door swings open. A man steps out holding a chainsaw.)

Doctor Nick Riviera: Hi, everybody!

Ned: Hi, Doctor Nick!

Nick: Good news! The experiment can end now!

(Nick turns on the chainsaw and, without hesitation and so quickly Homer and Ned can do nothing, he uses it to slice and Rod/Todd "Maude" creation in half. They both fall to the ground, bleeding heavily from open wounds, some of their innards spilling out onto the floor.)

Homer: Why!!!!

Ned: This is your fault, Homer! We were happily married until you came to my do-diddly-oor! RRRRRRR!

(Ned grabs Homer around the neck and tries to throttle him. Homer smashes him in the head with the hammer, at first in self defense. But then he keeps doing it.)

Homer: You are lost to me, Ned! LOST!

(He smashes in Ned's skull repeatedly.)

Ned: Diddly...diddly...did...dly...

(Ned dies. Nick laughs.)

Nick: What a crazy guy!

(Homer checks on Rod and Todd. They both appear to have died too. He grabs Nick by the collar.)

Homer: Why...just why...

Nick: A scientific experiment! I've done many of them since the contaiment leak. They all end in death! I wanted to see just how crazy I could drive a good Christian man...and I really outdid myself.

Homer: Rod and Todd...what you did to them is inhuman!

Nick: And you just bashed your friend to death with a hammer, Homer. You're no better than me!

Homer: You're right...I have killed out of anger...now I only do it to punish the wicked...

(He holds the hammer over his head.)

Nick: I saved your life! I preformed your triple bypass!

Homer: Yet another act of evil commited by you!

(Homer smashes the hammer down into Nick's skull. He moans almost oragasmically as he does so. Nick stumbles.)

Nick: I...I know someone who can change all this...undo it all...

Homer: I don't believe you!

(He smashes the hammer into Nick again.)

Nick: FRINK! Professor Frink! He is working on something to stop Burns...please, just let me live...

Homer: Why? You just told me what I need to know!

(Homer beats Nick to death. He smiles afterwards.)

Homer(mockingly): D'oh.

Rod: Uncle Homer...

(Rod is still somehow alive. Homer cradles him in his arms.)

Homer: Don't try to talk, son, I'll get a good doctor to look at you...

Rod: I'm fading fast, Todd is already gone...I just wanted to say thank you. For freeing us. You're a hero...

(Rod dies in Homer's arms. Homer sits him down. He looks around at the four dead bodies. He heads outside. Maggie is standing out there.)

Maggie: Dad...you're covered in blood...what happend to the Flanderses...

Homer: They're dead, Maggie. Dead and gone. And they will not be the laast people I kill. But don't worry, I only kill for the right reasons now.

Maggie: Just come home, dad. we can be a family again. Me, you and Lisa...

Homer: Not until I've brought justice to Springfield.

(Homer walks away, blood still dripping from his hammer, leaving a sobbing Maggie behind.)