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Wacky Reviews: Star Trek

The Big Goodbye - The Enterprise is meeting with an insect species who demand a specific greeting from Captain Picard. Any mispronunciation could mean death, maybe! Troi convinces Picard to take a break in the holodeck first so he decides to have his first Dixon Hill detective adventure. Since this is the first holodeck episode it starts off really slow paced as we're intrdouced to the concept of holonovels and how they work and holodeck characters keep commenting on how oddly Picard is dressed. It's all pretty generic detective stuff but Picard seems to be enjoying it. He holds a briefing for the crew where he tells them all how much fun he had playing his hologame. It's kind of cute, really, a bit like Trump holding a briefing where he tells his staff about a video game he just played or something (except that wouldn't be cute he's a monster.) We're reminded again that we can't insult the insect or they'll kill us all. He invites Crusher and Wallen (a 21st century historian/fiction expert) to join him and Data tags along too because he's curious about detectives. They all walk around being impressed by the holodeck. Wallen implies that baseball has died out. Don't let Sisko hear you!!!!!!

The insects fire a probe and the ship goes a bit weird. Riker talks to them which is REALLY STUPID of him since we've been told twice that the insects will only talk to Picard and if they're offended in any way they might kill everyone. The holodeck breaks down and they can't get to Picard. Wesley lets Riker know he's an expert on the holodeck (OF COURSE) and he can fix it. Meanwhile Picard's continuing his gentle detective adventure. Beverly swallows some chewing gum in the best Beverly scene so far in TNG. He blatantly flirts with Crusher then decides it's time to go home. But first they're held up by a bad actor with a gun. They all smile at this (guns are funny!) until he shoots Wallen and he starts bleeding for real. Half an hour into the episode and we've got to the drama! They can't get out the holodeck. Can't Data just tear through the wall with his android strength or something? I guess not.

Tough guy actor Lawrence Tierney (who was nuts in real life according to Jerry Seinfeld and Wil Wheaton) shows up as the gangster boss guy. Picard tries to explain the concepts of holodecks to the holodeck characters as they're held at gunpoint. Again I have to ask why Data can't just kill the bady guys? It's just a holodeck so it's not like it's real murder and shooting him wouldn't kill him (though I suppose at this point in the series Data's strength hasn't been established?) The stand-off scene goes on way too long. In a later season I think Picard would have just punched the henchman and grabbed his gun. Wesley accidentally makes a snowstorm appear before the exit door opens. The bad guys leave the holodeck then slowly fade away because for some reason holodeck characters can exist outside the holodeck for a few seconds at this point. There's a nice moment where Dixon's cop friend asks what will happen to him and his family when Picard leaves the holodeck. The ending is good too as Picard successfully performs the insect greeting still wearing his Dixon Hill outfit.

This episode is generally considered one of the best of season one. I can see why that is, and I don't want to sound too negative on it because it certainly isn't bad, but I do think it's an episode that has aged poorly. One problem is that there have been SO MANY holodeck episodes since this once that it's impossible not to think "get to the malfunction!" as the episode is playing out. Like I said ealier it's so slow that it's about half an hour in before Picard knows there's something wrong with the holodeck. I understand that they needed scenes of everyone walking around being impressed by how realistic the holodeck is, and some of that stuff is good, it's just not very exciting to watch when you've seen 75 holodeck episodes since this. Lawrence Tierney makes a good noir villain but the scene with him holding Picard and friends up at gunpoint is kind of teidous since you know Data could just grab the gun from him at any moment but doesn't because of drama. And the Dixon Hill stuff is really generic without any twists on the detective genre. BUT LIKE I SAID it's certainly on the good side for TNG season one and I did like the subplot with the asshole insects!

SCORE: 7/10
 
Datalore - The Enterprise visits Data's home planet to investigate his mysterious beginnings. Data's practicing sneezing. We get some exposition on how Data holds the memories of all 411 colonists from the planet. All life on the planet is dead now. There's more exposition about how Data was found before they discover a secret hidden lab. You'd think the starship that found Data 26 years before would have found it too? But apparently they just picked up Data and flew off without investigating. Data remembers Doctor Noonian Soong and everyone starts expositioning about his famous attempt to make Asimov's positronic brain (nice reference at least!) a reality. Is that really the kind of thing Tasha would know about? They find another Data in storage. The prop head Data picks up looks nothing like Bret Spiner but they all act like it's identical to Data. He wants to put this "other Data" back together. Chief Engineer Argyle makes a welcome return as they reassamble this "brother".

Riker has found drawings of an evil snowflake thing several chldren made while the colony was being wiped out (would children really have paused to draw a monster as it was slaughtering them?) Data tells Crusher about his off switch in a nice moment. Suddnely the other Data's head looks exactly like Bret Spiner as they complete repairs on him. Funny that! Lore wakes up and says Data was found to be imperfect so he was made as a replacement. Lore has a comedy evil twitch for some reason. Gee, do you think he might be evil? Lore praises Wesley for being able to fly the ship. Data talks about Wesley having a "child's body" (err) but being capable of much more. Lore admits that he was made first, not Data, but the colonists found him creepy because he was so "perfect" so they made the less perfect Data to replace him. And then the stupid "Data can't use contractions" thing is brought up even though I'm pretty sure Data has used contractions in previous episodes and even if he hasn't it's still FUCKING STUPID that Data can't use contractions. It's just something they had to throw in as an easy way to be able to tell Data and Lore apart. Lore secretly contacts the "Crystalline Entity" which wiped out the colonists. Yar questions how much Data can be trusted now (I have no idea why?) and Picard says he trusts him but that was a necessary question so don't be down on Tasha, okay?

This episode's been pretty average so far but it's here where it turns to shit. Data is already suspicious of Lore and watching his every move, but has no problem drinking (poisoned) champagne that Lore offers him. Lore explains that he's working with the crystalline entity, just in case you haven't got it yet. Wesley finds Data lying on the floor and Lore dressed as him. Lore does the facial tick but "explains" that he's just practicing it and Wesley believes this because practicing your brother's stupid tick is a thing Data would do (I'm not even being sarcastic here, it is the kind of stupid thing season one Data would do.) The evil crystal arrives and "Data" says "beautiful, isn't it!" in an evil voice with an evil smile. HEY, YOU THINK HE MIGHT BE LORE? Wesley says not to trust Data but Picard and Riker tell him off like a naughty schoolboy. They go to see "Lore" and Riker is easily fooled because he's an idiot and Wesley is the only smart one now. Data offers to talk to the Crystalline Entity and nobody thinks this is weird. Data doesn't understand what "make it so" means. Hmm! We get the classic "shut up, Wesley!" moment which is funny but also pretty unfair since he was right. Lore beats up Worf. The Crushers wake up Data and he faces off with Lore. Sadly he just says the lame line "you make me wish I was a lonely child" Lore shoots Beverly on the arm and she catches fire! Data and Wesley beam him out into space. The crystalline entity gives up and fucks off. Instead of ending on any kind of character moment for Data, the episode ends on a lame exchange between Picard and Riker.

This episode pretty bad, sorry. The first part is really exposition heavy but at least there's a sense of discovery as they find Loreand put him together. But Lore himself is a big problem. Spiner is good fun as Lore, yes, but there's no depth to the character at all. He's literally just the "evil twin" and there really isn't any compelling character stuff between him and Data. The part where Picard and Riker are all "FUCK YOU, WESLEY" is ridiculous since it's REALLY OBVIOUS that "Data" is Lore in disguise (and Picard just praised Yar for asking if they can trust Data!) It's so bad that Futurama did a whole episode making fun of it, giving us one of the top 100 best sci-fi characters of all time in Flexo. We don't realy find out anything about the crystalline entity other than it eats people and no one seems worried that it's still alive and flying around finding other people to eat at the end. Lore's next episode will be much better and correct at lot of the problems here, but this episode's only real value is funny moment like Lore abusing unconscious Data and beating up Worf, and of course "shut up, Wesley." It's no surprise that Gene "I haven't written anything good since 1965" Rodenberry co-wrote it.

SCORE: 5/10
 
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Angel One - The Enterprise is looking for survivors from a wrecked freighter on the planet Angel One. It's a planet ruled and run by women so Picard has Troi speak to them (She's finally useful! Because of her genitals!) The men on the planet wear ridiculous, chest-bearing outfits (you know, like Troi does on the Enterprise...which goes unmentioned.) Meanwhile Romulans have been spotted near the Neutral Zone(!) and Wesley hits Picard with a snowball. Data doesn't know what perfume or aphrodisiacs are. The Mistress of Angel One reveals that the shipwrecked humans are dangerous fugitives. And now everyone on the Enterprise has a cold. I get the feeling we aren't going to see any Romulans! Riker dresses up as an Angel One male and Yar and Troi are disgusted. He asks them if they're objecting because the Mistress is an attractive woman and they make bitchy faces. Who wrote this shit!

George gets to sit in the Captain's chair and say "make it so" because everyone else has a cold. It's a nice moment but it only takes up about twenty seconds of the episode. Riker shows his hairy chest and it's supposed to be funny but it's just stupid. Yar, Troi and Data find the fugitives. They want to stay on the planet because they have wives and children. The Mistress tells Riker about her sexiest society and this apparently turns him on and they have sex. What the fuck, Riker. The fugitives talk about how men are oppressed on the planet and Yar can't make them leave because they're not in Starfleet (but they are Federation citizens so surely Starfleet has authority over them?) There's more awful scenes of Riker and the mistress as they do role reversed "men are not objects..." type conversations. The mistress sentences the fugitives to death because they won't leave. Oh no I'm so concerned for them. Crusher figures out that the virus on the Enteprise is caused by a "sweet smell" so there's that at least!

The fugitives are captured because one of the mistresses was secretly married to their leader. Riker gets the mistress to agree to let the fugitives and their supporters leave but their leader still doesn't want to leave. Crusher won't let Riker beam up anyway because of the out of control virus. HIGH DRAMA. No, actually, I don't care, it's all really boring. The Mistress vapourises a jar to show how quick their executions are. Riker makes a speech about how she isn't trying to stop a revolution, she's trying to stop evolution. Changes are coming anyway and executing the men won't make a difference. Where is he getting that changes are coming anyway? There's absolutely no sign in the episode that the men on Angel One support the human revolutionaries. But his speech is good enough that she stops the execution. Crusher cures the virus in time (phew!) The mistress exiles the fugitives to a remote part of the planet to show evolution down. Is that a happy ending? Picard has a sore throat and can't say "engage" and we don't get to see any Romulans. The end!

Everyone makes fun of this episode for the silliness of the planet where women are in control and men are weak and oppressed. The thing is, that isn't actually the problem with the episode. It's not that bad of any idea to tackle sexism by showing an alien planet where the roles are reversed. If done right it could have been a good story. But it's not done right! It's executed really badly! All we learn about their society is that women are the leaders and men have to wear silly costumes. That's it! We don't hear from even one male alien about how he feels. We don't see anything of what their lives are like. Riker makes a speech about how changes are coming but the only resident of Angel One he's spent any time with is their sexist leader (who he shags) so I have no idea how he'd know what. The fugitives are boring and we never get a clear idea of what they're actually doing from their caves. And all the stuff back on the Enterprise is pointless as I don't want to watch the crew coughing and there's liteally nothing to the Romulan thread. The part where Geordi takes command is pretty good and nicely acted by the reliable Levar Burton, but there's pretty much nothing else good about this episode.

SCORE: 1.5/10
 
Does the Federation have a police force? Like space police? In police starships? Flying around solving space crimes? I want to see that.
 
The closest I can think of is Section 31 and those Temporal Prime Directive guys. In Homefront when there was panic over founders being on earth it seemed that Starfleet was acting as security, but maybe the planet was under martial law.
 
There were flying police cars with blue and red flashing lights in star trek beyond, plus the flying robot in the reboot, citizen.
 
11001001 - The Enterprise is at the Starbase from Star Trek 3 (well it's the same model anyway) and it still looks great and it's really big and that makes the episode feel bigger and more important right away! There's a Starfleet Commander who looks exactly like Picard but he's got a beard. It's weird, but this isn't a mirror universe story. The binars are joined pairs with computer implants who finish each other's sandwiches and are here to upgrade the Enterprise's computer. They'e kind of like the Borg but before the Borg! We get to see the crew in their downtime: Worf and Yar are wearing spandex to play a game and Worf utters the great line "If winning isn't important, than why keep score?" Data is painting with Geordi and Riker says "a blind man teaching an android to paint?" That's more good lines than most episodes already! Beverly's going to a cybernetics lecture. That's not as interesting. Riker decides to spend some time in the Holodeck, which the Binars have enhanced. He creates a jazz bar and compliments the Binars on their ability to create hot women. He's REALLY into Minuet the hololady. Wesley just stays on the Bridge being suspicious of the Binars because he's a nerd.

Riker plays the trombone for the first time(!) and dances with Minuet. He wants to know how far their relationship can go and how real she is. Did nobody sex on the holodeck before the Binars enhanced them? Picard shows up and is impressed by Minuet speaking French. Something is going wrong in Engineering and Data can't contact Picard. Data orders everyone to abandon ship because it's about to blow up (I guess the Binars made it so that the red alert doesn't play in the Holodeck.) The evacuation scene is quite good! The Enterprise leaves the Starbase and warps away and nobody knows where Picard and Riker are. They're just having a good time on the Holodeck with Minuet! Picard wants to leave but she tries really hard to get him to stay and they finally discover the red alert. Minuet admits that she was keeping Riker busy with her holosexiness but Picard wasn't supposed to stay behind. Picard and Riker dramatically march into the Weapons Room to prepare to kicks ome Binar butt!

But first they go to Engineering and set the ship on auto destruct. They find the Binars all overloaded and passed out on the Bridge. They cancel auto destruct. That didn't last long! They're at the Binar homeworld but its central computer is closed down. Minuet tells them they need the Enterprise to fix their computer. They work out that the file name they're looking for is "11001001" (that's the name of the episode!) and they have to work in pairs to send it to the central computer. The Binars come back to life and are happy for the help. Picard asks why they didn't just ask for help and they say "because you might have said no." Binary thinking! Picard gets to take Conn and fly the Enterprise home and music from TMP plays and it's a good scene. Riker returns to the Holodeck and finds Minuet gone.

FINALLY I can say it: this is a good episode of Star Trek: The Next Generation. I don't even have to qualify it with "for season one" because it would actually be a good episode for any season. The story is good. I like the Binars. Okay, they're not the greatest Trek aliens ever (and never appear again) and they do look a bit silly, but they're the best aliens introduced in TNG at this point. Riker with Minuet is a bit cheesey but it's the best stuff Riker's had yet. The best thing about the episode though is how well it handles the crew. They actually feel like proper characters here! They're all likable in the scenes where they have time off. Picard and Riker team up for the first time ever really and work very well together (Stewart and Frakes have good chemistry.) There's good character moments for Data and even Wesley isn't bad! So that's all very good because the show has struggled with the characters before this. The episode does have one pretty big plothole: the Binars only plan to bring Riker with them. Picard is brought by accident. YET their file can only be sent to their computer by two people working together. So how did they expect Riker to do that on his own? But otherwise who cares really, it's a fun story, I don't feel embarrassed for the cast, and the Starbase is cool. I hope the rest of the season is as good as this!

SCORE: 8.5/10
 
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