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Wacky Reviews: Star Trek

On a side note, I found myself watching some early S1 episodes of TOS a few nights ago, and I discovered they were even better with the color turned off. Seriously, try The Enemy Within and Mudd's Women in monochrome, they're much better that way.
 
The Immunity Syndrome - Spock feels a great disturbance in a the force, like four hundred Vulcans on the USS Intrepid just cried out in terror at once and were suddenly silenced. The Enteprise is ordered to investigate and finds a whole star system is dead. Could it be another doomsday machine? Maybe the evil cloud from 'Obsession'? Well, first they find a big black area in space. It makes half the people on the ship faint. It makes stars disappear. It's bad news! The Enterprise is lost in this weird area of space and Kirk is frustrated at the lack of answers. McCoy tells him that everyone on the ship is dyng. Scotty and Kirk discover that using forward thrust slows the ship down. The Enteprise uses all its power on one giant forward thrust but still can't escape the dark zone. For the first time in the episode we find out what's behind it all: a giant space amoeba. Yeah, that's right, a giant space amoeba.

Spock and McCoy explain to Kirk that it's from another galaxy (it's always another galaxy) and it's eating all our energy. McCoy and Spock both want to take a shuttle to investigate but Kirk says it's a suicide mission. We get to the meat of the episode (and it's more than halfway through) which is Kirk trying to decide which of his friends he'll send to die. Kirk tells Spock he's sorry and McCoy thinks that means he gets to go...but Kirk says he's sorry because Spock is more qualified. McCoy will only say good luck to spock after Spock has left the room in a nice moment. Spock investigates in his shuttle but communcation is lost. He manages to get a message through but it's distorted and cuts out. Kirk decides that the way to beat the amoeba is with anti-bodies. The Enterprise enters a deeper layer of the organism (or something) because it's more sensitive there (I think?) Kirk says that since the amoeba swallows matter, logically it will be destroyed by anti-matter.

Kirk does a captain's log where he mentions all the officers who deserve special praise, Spock highest of all and it's nice but very similar to him doing the same thing in 'Space Seed'. Kirk puts his plan in action and of couse Spock shows up in his shuttle. Spock tells Kirk not to attempt a rescue but McCoy says "shut up Spock, we're rescuing you!" Spock says "thank you, CAPTAIN McCoy." It's funny. The Enterprise destroys the organism and escapes black space and tractor beams Spock out with them. Kirk repeats his line about rest and relaxation on some lovely...planet while looking at a hot girl. Oh Kirk!

It's kind of an episode of two halves. The first part with them exploring the dark space is a bit slow. I appreciate them trying to do a more serious science fiction approach again, but due to the limits of the show there isn't much to it other than flying around in the dark and everyone fainting. The second half is much better with some great Spock/McCoy stuff. The space amoeba isn't as interesting an enemy as the doomsday machine or the killer gas cloud, but I guess it isn't really suupposed to be since it's just a big amoeba and not actually evil. Anyway, it's a good episode overall.

SCORE: 8/10
 
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A Private Little War - Kirk returns to a planet he previously visited thirteen years earlier. He says it's a remarkably peaceful village...just in time to see villagers with guns about to ambush an old friend. Kirk saves his friend but Spock gets shot in the back (with green bloostain!) McCoy, Chapel AND DOCTOR M'BENGA (who interned on the Vulcan ward!) battle to save Spock's life in Sickbay. Kirk suspects that the Klingons are arming the villagers and breaking the peace treaty. He and McCoy beam back down in native clothing (partial Kirk chest!) and are quickly attacked by a Yeti with a horn on its head and spikes on its back! It bites Kirk and poisons him. McCoy has to take him to Kirk's old friend Tyree to save his life. Tyree's wife is a hot girl named Nona (who seems vaguely Native American) and she forced him to marry her with a magic spell. Man this episode has a lot of stuff in it! Nona sees McCoy heating rocks with his phaser. She does a crazy, sexy magic spell to cure Kirk. She says that Kirk belongs to her now and can refuse her no wish.

(The subplot involving Spock's treatment plays out too. It's fine? I'm not sure what the point is but I like Dr. M'Benga. Chapel's crush on Spock comes up again. He orders her to slap him to help him come to consciousness. The kinky bastard.)

Nona wants Kirk to give them phasers. Kirk explains the Prime Directive to her. Nona is angry because the Villagers will kill them with their more advanced weapons now. Kirk, McCoy and Tyree investigate the Villagers. We get a scene of the Klingon commander teaching the Villagers how to be more like Klingons and promising them better guns. Kirk and McCoy are captured but Tyree saves them and steals some guns. Kirk decides to arm Tyree's people the same as the Villagers and McCoy doesn't approve. Kirk directly compares it to Vietnam and says it's better this than letting the Villager's wipe Tyree's people out. Nona seduces Kirk with her magic herbs. Shatner does some amazing seduced acting! A Mugato (the yetis) attacks them and Kirk kills it. Nona steals his phaser and takes it to the enemy because you can't trust women. They try to rape her and kill her when Kirk and friends arrive. The fight music from 'Amok Time' plays AND IT FEELS UNEARNED. Tyree has a taste for fighting now (he refused to use the guns before) and Kirk is sad at what's happened to his old friend.

This is an episode that could have been great. There's great stuff in there, certainly! The Kirk and McCoy argument about the Prime Directive. The downer ending. The Mugato! But, it also has the weird stuff with Kirk and the witch woman and even though the actress is good (and hot) it really muddles the episode. It distracts away from the main plot. The Spock stuff is also pretty unnecessary but the scenes are good. The stuff with the Klingons is never resolved (what's to stop them coming back and giving the Villagers even more poerful weapons to kill Kirk's friends?) If it had been more focused on the plot with Kirk arming his friend's people and had featured a great Kirk speech at the end then it would have been a great episode. As it it, it's just pretty good!

SCORE: 7.5/10
 
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Return To Tomorrow - Sulu's back! So that's nice if you like him. Anyway, the Enterprise is lured to a dead planet by a strange transmission from an alien named Sargon. Kirk decides to RISK (it's a theme of this episode, pay attention!) going to the planet and seeing what this Sargon is all about. Kirk, Spock, McCoy and special guest star Diana Muldaur (who was hot in the sixties, I have to note!) beam down through solid rock to find Sargon is a flashing light in a ball. He exists as pure energy and evolved beyond the need of a physical body many years ago. He says his people left their seed all over the galaxy six thousnd centuries ago and maybe humans and Vulcans evolved from them. It's like that TNG episode! He wants to be in a physical body again and enters Kirk, allowing Shatner to do some very broad Shatner acting. It's fun. McCoy warns that Kirk's body is being destroyed. Sargon explains that he and his two friens have to use the human bodies to build robot bodies(!) for them to move into. He let's Kirk go and Kirk tells McCoy and Not Puaski that it's safe. The crew have a discussion (Scotty is won over by the promise of starship engines the size of walnuts) and McCoy still isn't convinced. Kirk makes a passionate speech stating that "risk is our business!" and wins McCoy over.

Sargon takes Kirk's body, his friend Henoch(!) takes Spock's and Thalassa takes Diana Muldaur's. This means we get to see Nimoy show emotions and flirt with Chapel, which is fun. Sargon and Thalassa obviously want to shag in their hot human bodies. Henoch turns out to be evil (of course) and establishes mind control over Chapel, then plots to kill Sargon in Kirk's body. Nimoy is great playing a smarmy evil bastard by the way! His grin and laugh are amazing. Henoch tries to convince Thalassa to steal the human bodies with him and forget about the robots. She seems to be tempted as she and Sargon nearly get sexy before Sargon/Kirk DIES. McCoy keeps Kirk's body alive and Thalassa figures out that Henoch is responsible and reveals she has hidden powers to McCoy. She wants to steal Diana Muldaur's body in exchange for saving Kirk. McCoy refuses and she tortures him. She realises the temptations are too great in a living body and Sargon reveals that he's still alive because HE had hidden powers too. It's lucky about those hidden powers! Kirk and Mulhall (that was her name I should have just typed it) end up back in their old bodies and Kirk tells McCoy they have to kill Spock's body to stop the thing in it. Henoch takes over the bridge but Chapel breaks free of his control (I guess?) and poisons him. Henoch begs Sargon for help but dies. Spock is dead now! Amazing Grace should start playing! Sargon reveals that the injection was only enough to cause unconsciousness and actually Spock's consciousness was hiding in Chapel and wow this is getting a bit confusing now to be honest. Sargon and Thalassa enter Kirk and Mulhall's bodies one last time to kiss before they enter oblivion.

So there's a lot of good stuff here again. It's a really classic Star Trek plot with them making peaceful (at first) contact with strange new aliens. Kirk's "risk is our business" speech is great. Nimoy as Henoch is a lot of fun. Diana Muldaur is a good guest star. The problem is that they set up rules for how the alien possessions work the in the last ten minutes just completely throw them out. It gets to the point where it seems like they're making it up as they go along. Also, remember in season one where I was saying "hey, William Shatner's a good actor, why do people give him a hard time?" Well he's gotten hammier since then. I don't mind it but I can see how it would put some people off. It's pretty evident in his big speech. So yeah, this is a good episode that's hurt by some poor plotting but I do like it and I'd say it's a must watch just for the big (hammy) speech scene.

SCORE: 8/10
 
Patterns of Force - The Enteprirse is searching for John Gill, a missing historian who taught Kirk at the Academy. Kirk and Spock beam down to the planet he was observing...and find a planet of Nazis. Yep, it's that episode! The Nazi aliens are oppressing another alien race (named "Zeons" which is a little on the nose!) and blaming them for all thier problems, like Nazis do! And John Gill is apparently the Fuhrer. Kirk and Spock quickly disguise themselves and it already seems clear this whole episode is an excuse to dress up Jewish actors William Shatner and Leonard Nimoy as Nazis. They get captured (because of Spock's ears) and whipped so we get to see them topless, at least! Kirk and Spock have crystals in their wrists which were implanted so they could be beamed up and we get a comedy scene of Spock standing on Kirk's back open a lock with the crystal and a lightbulb. It's silly but it's a bit of light relief I guess! They break out with a Zeon and we get them running around corridors pretending to be Nazis and stuff. They meet the Zeon resisteace in some caves. They all get captured again because this episode is basically 'A Piece of the Action' without the humour.

Turns out the hot Nazi girl they saw on tv earlier is actually a member of the resistence and she gives some backstory about how things went bad after the deputy Fuhrer took over. They attend a Nazi event that the Fuhrer is supposed to be at, with Kirk and Spock undercover as Nazi camera men with adorable little cameras with swastikas on them. McCoy beams down dressed as a high ranking Nazi. John Gill makes a speech and he's obviously drugged up and his mouth is hidden behind a big microphone. Come on,Nazis, it's obviously a recording! Cute Nazi girl wants Kirkt to destroy a Nazi ship to save the Zeons. Kirk finally speaks to Gill who explains that the planet was fragmented so he turned them into Nazis to save them because the Nazis are so efficient. Then the deputy Fuhrer took over and made them into evil Nazis. It's not mch of an explanation, really. We find out the speak of the party is in the resistance too but it's just a detail that doesn't impact the story at all. The deputy fuhrer racial profiles Spock in a disturbing moment. Gill manages to make a speech telling the Nazis that the deputy Fuhrer is a traitor before he's machine gunned to death. The two planets INSTANTLY have peace and Spock says they'd make fine members of the Federation. When five minutes ago one of them was trying to ethnically cleanse the other.

Okay, first of all: what the fuck, John Gill? Sure if you think the Nazis are the most efficient government ever (which I don't think is true but I can't be bothered googling it) fine, copy the efficient part. But...why have them wear Swastikas and think of other races as inferior? That can't have all come from the deputy Fuhrer! Maybe if Gill had been in the episode more they could have explored these issues, but he barely appears at all. Instead it's just an excuse to put Kirk, Spock and McCoy in a World War 2 movie and I don't think it would make a very good WW2 movie. It's dull and repetitive. Like I said, it reminds me of 'A Piece Of The Action' but without the humour that made that one bearable. This is just tedious and pretty tasteless.

SCORE: 5/10
 
By Any Other Name - Kirk, Spock, McCoy and some disposables beam down to a planet. They meet a man and a (hot, of course) woman who freeze them in place and say they're taking the Enterprise to the Andromeda galaxy. They're the Kelvin Empire and they're conquering this galaxy before their dies out. Kirk tries to reason with them but they're already taking over the Enterprise by freezing all the crew. They make a nice continuity reference to the great barrier at the edge of the galaxy and explain it destroyed their ship so they need the Enterprise to go home. I like how Kirk keeps trying to offer them reasonable solutions. He's a good Captain! But the aliens can't be reasoned with possibly because they're a different form of life taking human form. Spock tries to mind control one of them THROUGH ROCK but gets thrown back. To demonstrate their power the Kelvins turn the black security guy and the scared Yeoman into cubes...and crush the girl cube. It's pretty brutal! They let the guy live because maybe they're not all bad. But I don't know, that cube-crushing death is going to be hard to get over!

Spock puts himself into a Vulcan trance to get beamed back onto the Enteprise with McCoy The Kelvins modify the ship so it can fly at WARP ELEVEN and head for the galactic barrier while, Kirk, Spock, McCoy and Scotty secretly work to defeat them. They come up with a plan to blow the ship up so stop the Kelvin (and kill everyone!) but Kirk won't give them the order to go through with it and they pass through the galactic barrier (I hope nobody mutates into an mind controller like Gary Mitchell!) The Kelvins turns everyone but Kirk, Spock, McCoy and Scott into cubes. Kirk and McCoy argue about Kirk not blowing them all up. They introduce one of the Kelvins to food and he likes it. Spock explains that the Kelvins have superior intellect but they're not used to human stimulation. Kirk instructs his crew to stimulate the senses of the Kelvins...and Scotty instantly starts to get one drunk. This is definitely another defining episode for Scotty, featuring the classci "it's great!" line! I also love the "drunk Scotty" music! I love drunk Scotty everything! McCoy injects another with drugs to make him irritable. Kirk, OF COURSE, goes to the hot girl and flirts with her. He knows what his strengths are! He shows her how kiss and she shows the Kelvin leader. He's into it! Kirk plays chess with the leader and encourages him to get jealous.

Kirk and the lady kiss more while the leader gets more jealous. Scotty finally gets his guy to pass out...then Scotty passes out himself right next to his bagpipes. If you're only watching Star Trek for Scotty and can only watch two episodes for some reason, watch this one and 'The Trouble With Tribbles'! Kirk and the leader have a fight (Kirk: "I'm stimulating him!") and Kirk explains to him that by the time the Kevlin gets home they'll be humans anyway. He finally convinces him to find a peaceful solution and, now that he's felt human emotions, the leader understands and agrees. They go back to live on the planet they were found on and send a robot ship back to the Kelvin Empire with an offer from the Federation.

I like this episode! It has similarities to 'Return to Tomorrow' and even 'Catspaw' but it feels like a more successful episode than either of those. It starts out as a good alien invasion story but throughout it Kirk wants to find a peaceful way to resolve things with the Kelvins. I really like that he manages to show them the human perspective and make them understand! It also has some very good comedy, mainly from Scotty. The biggest probablem is that the death of the horrible death of the Yeoman at the start is forgotten by the end. I'm not saying Kirk should have punished the Kelvin leader for it, but we could have at least seen the Kelvin leader express sorrow for her death, given that he can feel emotions now. But on the whole it's a fun episode and a good example of the Star Trek way of finding common ground with strange aliens.

SCORE: 8.5/10
 
The Omega Glory - The Enterprise finds the starship Exeter orbiting a planet. They find that its crew have turned into crystals. So that's weird. They find a cryptic warning from the ship's doctor and beam down to the planet. They find Captain Tracey alive and he's friends with some asian looking aliens named the Kohms. He claims the white aliens named the Yangs are savages. Kohms and Yangs, eh? Subtle, Gene! (This is a rare episode written by Gene Roddenberry. He tells Kirk, Spock and McCoy that they can't leave the planet or they'll turn into crystals. Kirk suspects that Tracey has been interfering in the cutlure. Well, yeah. That's all Starfleet captains (and hidstorians) other than Kirk ever seem to do. Spock finds evidence that Tracey killed Yangs with his phaser, a violation of the Prime Directive. Tracey kills a redshirt just in case we haven't go that he's evil yet. Tracey finally reveals that the Kohms are immortal and...hasn't this been done several times before? It's another fountain of youth episode! He locks Kirk up in a cell with the savage Yangs (they grunt a lot.) Kirk and the Yang have a crappy figh scene which is completely unworthy of the 'Amok Time' fight music which plays. Just putting that music on a bad fight doesn't make it better! Spock gives the woman Yang the nerve pinch to end the fight. McCoy flirts with a cute Kohm girl. The Yang suddenly reveals he can speak perfect English after Kirk says "freedom" which is a "worship word." The Yang and Kirk work together to break out, but the Yang knocks Kirk out and leaves (there's a weird bit where Spock keeps asking Kirk if he's able to respond. This episode is weird.) Kirk and Spock escape anyway.

McCoy reveals that people live longer on the planet because it's natural for them and there is no fountain of youth. Also he sounds more southern than usual for some reason? Tracey makes Kirk order Sulu to beam down more phasers. Kirk and Tracey have another terrible fight scene invloving an axe. The Yangs capture them. Kirk finally figures out the "Yangs = Yankies, Kohms = Commies" thing and that this is a parralel Earth where the Communists won (and became immortal for some reason.) The Yangs bring in an American flag (yep) and he and Kirk swear to the flag while the star spangled banner plays and what the fuck is happening. Tacey tries to convince the Yangs he was sent by God. The Yangs have a book with a picture of "the Servant of the Evil One" who looks exactly like Spock. WHY!? The leader wants Kirk to recite the "sacred words" but Kirk doesn't know what he means and challenges Tracey to ANOTHER SHITTY FIGHT instead to prove good always beats evil. Spock manages to mind control the woman WITHOUT EVEN TOUCHING HER (he can do that now!) and gets her to use the communicator so Sulu can beam down. Kirk realises the sacred words are the American Constitution and NO OTHER WORDS EVER WRITTEN IN THE WHOLE GALAXY have even been as special. Kirk makes the leader swear to follow the Constitution or something the end. Umm, what about that whole thing where they were going to turn into crystals if they left the planet? (Memory Alpha says they were cured by spending time on the planet. I wasn't paying enough attention.)

THIS EPISODE IS UTTER SHITE. It's boring as fuck for one thing, with several of the worst fight scenes ever on Star Trek, no humour, yet another planet has almost exactly the same history of Earth (with no explantion), no reason for Tracey to be so insanely evil...and that's before we get to the completely nonsensical ending! Why does Kirk even take the Yangs' side over the Kohms? Because they're American, obviously! The most bizarre thing of all is that Gene Roddenberry thought this script was amazing, fought for two years to get it made, and even submitted it for an Emmy!

SCORE: 1/10
 
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The Ultimate Computer - Commodore Wesley informs Kirk that the Enterprise is to be used to test the M-5 multitronic computer system, which has been designed to run a starship without human help. Spock and McCoy have a fun exchange about the idea of a computer running a starship. Kirk obviously isn't happy about it but he's trying to be professional! The brilliant Doctor Daystrom comes onboard to install his computer. He has total faith in it, even though it's the fifth version of the computer. Kirk and McCoy talk about how it would feel to lose your job to a computer. Kirk has a hard time giving up command. The M-5 (voiced by James Doohan!) picks a different landing party than he did for a mission, a landing party without Kirk on it. It coldly describes Kirk and McCoy as "non-essential personnel." Two other starships show up as part of an unscheduled M-5 drill. The M-5 deals with them. Kirk is sad and feels useless, but Spock tells him he doesn't want to serve under a computer because a starship also runs on loyalty. It's a nice moment! But then Wesley (who is a prick) goes and calls Kirk "Captain Dunsel" which means he's useless. Kirk starts getting all sentimental with McCoy.

The M-5 attacks and destroys a robot ship. Kirk wants Daystrom to shut M-5 down, but M-5 puts a forcefield up so that it can't be switched off. M-5 kills an Ensign. Daystrom keeps trying to defend the M-5 and seems to be going a bit mad. McCoy tells Kirk that Daystrom's greatest achievement was many years ago and he's been trying to better it ever since. The M-5 outsmarts the Enterprise crew to stay in control. Daystrom reveals the M-5 thinks like a human now. It attacks four other Federation starships which are out on wargames. killing many officers. Stupid Commodore Wesley just keeps blaming Kirk. He's such a dick. Daystrom reveals the M-5 is modelled on his own brain and tries to talk it out of attacking. McCoy notices that Daystrom is mentally unstable and that's why the M-5 is too. Kirk, of course, tries to use logic to argue the computer to death, but it makes more sense here because the computer has human brain patterns so it would be open to Kirk's arguments. It shuts itself down when it realises it's commited murder, but leaves the Enterprise open for attack from the other ships. Kirk leaves the shields down and Wesley finally does something smart by realising that Kirk is back in control and doesn't attack. Kirk said he counted on Wesley's human compassion, something a computer wouldn't have done. Kirk, Spock and McCoy have a jokey conversation which feels a bit out of place given that so many people just died.

It's a very good episode! People were scared of machines taking thier jobs in the sixties (and probably always will be!) so I'm sure they were relieved when the computer went mad the Kirk got to stay as captain. Of course it was only because the computer was created by a flawed man that it itself was flawed. Daystrom was a good guest character, a bit arrogant and dickish but tech guys always are and it was sad when he had his breakdown. Really the only problem with the episode is Wesley being such a dick to Kirk in the first half.

(We get all seven "main" characters on the Bridge at once in this episode, that's worth noting!)

SCORE: 9/10
 
Bread and Circuses - Searching for a missing ship (again), with a Captain Kirk knows personally (again), the Enterprise finds a planet that has devloped parralel to Earth (again.) This one's a twentieth century Rome showing gladiator fights on tv and Kirk's old friend is some Roman bigshot now. Kirk, Spock and McCoy beam down and are instantly captured (again.) Why didn't Kirk think of bringing some security officers with them? Spock notes how amazing it is that the aliens are speaking English. Luckily their captors are nice former slaves. They look at car magazines. The slave leader keeps talking about THE SUN being his God and this is going to be a big twist later in the episode! The trio and the slave in shorts get captured by Romans pretty quickly. There's a lot of capturing in the original series. They do the old "Bones is feel sick!" trick to escape but Kirk runs into his old friend who is wearing a Roman jumper. He explains to Kirk that it's a stable society which has had no wars for four hundred years, even though they have slavery and stuff. Spock and McCoy have an argument about it which is the best part of the episode so far (and I'm guessing it'll still be the best part by the end.) Kirk won't give the Romans phasers (obviously) and Scotty in command of the Enterprise comes up with a plan to frighten the Romans and says "aye!"

Spock and McCoy are made to fight two slaves on tv. I do like the way it's a bit like a reality tv show but with fights to the death. They have canned audience reactions! Flavius (the slave who was helping them earlier but is forced to fight now) is threatened that if the network ratings go down they'll do a special on him. Spock ends the fight by breaking the rules and saving McCoy and using a nerve pinch. A hot girl is sent to Kirk and the "it's a hot girl!" music plays and now the episode is back to being familiar. McCoy tries to thank Spock but gets annoyed by him again. Kirk has sex with the girl even though she's a slave who's been forced to pleasure him. Who does he think he is, James Bond? The Roman leader suddenly starts going on about what a manly man Kirk is and how much he respects him. He disses Merrick (Kirk's old friend) as not being very manly. Kirk, Spock and McCoy escape with the help of Merrick (who is killed) and Scotty beams them up. Back on the ship Uhura figures out that it wasn't the "sun" who as being worshipped by the nice people BUT THE SON OF GOD. So Jesus visits other planets? Like Aslan?

As you could probably tell from the first half of the recap, I'm finding all these "planets that are a bit like Earth!" episodes very samey and annoying. Especially since this one comes just two episodes after 'The Omega Glory'. The start of the episode is so familiar that I found myself getting bored. THAT SAID there's good stuff in here! The satire on the tv industry once they get to the studio is very good. Spock and McCoy have some good stuff. Proconsul Macus is a well-played villain and I enjoy his disgust with Merrick. The Jesus stuff at the end is cheesey but at least Jesus didn't save the day like AMERICA saved the day in 'The Omega Glory' (though it's implied that the Roman Empire is about to fall again thanks to Jesus.) SO YEAH this isn't terrible but I really don't anymore parralel Earth episodes ever again okay?

SCORE: 6.5/10
 
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