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Where is the Random Thread of Randomness stuff that doesn't belong in other threads thread?

Somewhere, in a nondescript office in Redmond Washington, a forgotten Microsoft employee woke up because I've been playing Solitaire and my win rate went above 18%, tripping an alarm so now he has to push a button every time I fire the game up to make it fuck me in the ass by giving me impossible cards to play. Statistically I win at least 1 in 5 games (the 18% is a result of years of play--I've gotten better of late) but I can't remember the last game I won.
 
In fairness to Microsoft, I also play solitaire with playing cards and today they just fucked me in the ass for about an hour--all red cards. All black cards. No aces. No kings. Cards I need--only in the wrong color. Rarely a game that went more than about 2 rounds. For a whole hour. And there was no software involved. Just 52 pieces of paper.
 
Obi Wan Kenobi Reaction GIF by Star Wars
 
With all these Uber and Doordash apps, I really need a manscaping app. Because shit, I look and feel so much better when I don't look like bigfoot but I literally can do little about the back hair and even the front is tedious and annoying. I'd gladly pay a nice Korean girl $20 bucks to come by every few weeks and keep things neat and tidy.
 
Alcohol straight-up unlocks the Freudian id/ego/superego (or maybe not. I've been drinking.) One part of your brain is going "oh, shit, I've had too much to drink already" while another part of your brain is going "YOU KNOW WHAT? A MARTINI WOULD TASTE REALLY GOOD RIGHT NOW." And still another part of your brain is going "but you've had a Manhattan and a brandy Manhattan, so before you have a martini you need to have a Rob Roy [Scotch Manhattan]."
 
When your divorced college buddy is going on about how his 14 year old blonde blue-eyed daughter has gotten obsessed with MIT and he isn't sure how he's going to be able to pay for that, it is tempting to point out a way many cute young girls pay for college (and other things). But do not. (As a sidebar, when he picked her name, he said he explicitly picked a name that wasn't a stripper name. Within a week I was calling him from a strip club to have him guess the stage name of the girl I was getting a lap dance from.)
 
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