Who gives a single actual fuck about literally anything?

[CaptainWacky]

#29.21 - Elon Musk is found dead, his arms and legs eaten by vultures and a hand-sized hole in his back. The police say the death is not suspicious at all and Newman is great. Newman appears on tv again and says he will carry on Elon's legacy by making Twitter shitter than ever and by going to the fuckng moon. NASA are interviewed on the tv and say the law says if they can build a rocket and get to the moon first then Newman won't be able to land there because of moon rules. But NASA have run out of money after wasting billions on a reality show as seen in the hit sitcom 'Cat Cleaners'. Jerry says if only there was some way to give NASA enough money to build a moon rocket they could stop Newman. Kramer says he and Jerry could use the Kramer Device to hack every lottery in the land and transfer the prize money to NASA. George asks if they can send some of the money to him and Elaine to hire a lawyer to get their kids back from Newman, but Kramer says they can't afford to waste any of it. Elaine says that's fine Newman can keept he brats. Jerry and Kramer touch the Kramer device together and this somehow makes loads of money appear in their joint bank account and they transfer it to NASA. Jerry says they have to go to Cape Canaveral in Florida to make sure the rocket NASA build has ANTI-NEWMAN defense systems built in. George and Elaine shrug and say they'll come too as the whole subplot with their kids isn't really going anywhere right now. At SpaceX, Newman takes over and his Elon's remains stuffed and set up in the lobby for all to see. He tells the engineers that the rocket only has to get to the moon and doesn't even need to be able to fly back, because he'll be able to power the return flight with the Golden Kramer Device. The head engineer asks him what the fuck is he talking about. Newman injects nano bots into his brain like a Borg using sickening Newman tendrils. The engineer says he understands now and will commit suicide after the rocket is built to protect Newman's secrets. Newman smiles. George and Elaines kids are playing with ray guns in the background. At NASA, the head of NASA puts Jerry in charge of the moon rocket project, saying that Jerry can motivate the engineers with laughter. Jerry admits that his stand-up has slid a little as he's been busy creatingthe universe and then escaping a dystopian future timeline, but he'll give it his best shot. Elaine says she has her own way of motivating them and sets up a big bed with a counter above that shows the number of the man or woman who will pleasure her next. A huge line forms of men and women excitedly looking down at their tickets. George hands out the tickets. He asks Elaine to please not kill any of them. Elaine says he better press the orgasm button every time they climax then to keep her happy. Kramer disappears into the basement of NASA. Weeks pass. At SpaceX, Newman is now riding a huge dragon-like creature he had made for him, holding a huge whip which he uses to whip the employees and make them work harder. At NASA, work is progressing wel. Jerry's stand-up routine is getting better. "What's THE DEAL with the moon anyway? What is it orbiting the Earth? Is it STALKING us? Why haven't we asked it what it's doing! I hate the moon!" Kramer still hasn't been seen and there is a mysterious power drain coming from the basement. SpaceX build a golden rocket for Newman, but NASA have their own rocket ready. Both are set to take off on the same day. Jerry proudly watches the laucn as Elaine smokes a big cigar in bed, having been pleasured by everyone person in the whole town. George asks if she is satisfied and she burns him with the cigar. The two rockets take off. Suddenly, the NASA rocket explodes. All 17 people on board as killed and two hundred more on the ground. Jerry just barely escapes with his life. He asks what the heck happened. The head of NASA says the power suddenly cut out and he'd traced the problem to the basement. Jerry goes downstairs and finds Kramer working on a huge computer. Kramer looks excited to see him. He says NASA have a hugely advanced A.I. system and they used to model rocket take-offs...and Kramer has been using it himself all this time. Jerry says Kramer just killed 217 people and let Newman win! Kramer says that doesn't matter right now...becuase his A.I. Spider-Man movie is finally ready. He can turn the entire world gay with it. Jerry walks out in disgust. Newman's rocket lands on the moon. He walks out of it and looks around, satisfied with what he sees. He punches his fist right through the surface of the moon and reaches inside. He pulls out the Golden Kramer Device, the primordial Kramer Device from which all others are derived. He smiles and laughs evily. "Has Kramer made the gay Spider-Man movie?" he asks into a headset. "Yes," replies the SpaceX head eingineer, who then blows his own brains out with a gun. "Everything is going according to plan!" says Newman.

 

[CaptainWacky]

#29.22 - Reports come in to NASA that everyone at SpaceX have killed themselves. Jerry looks at the moon through a huge telescope. He can see Newman's rocket take off and fly towards the Earth at an alarming speed. The rocket is glowing with golden energy now. The head of NASA hands Jerry a special phone. Jerry makes the call to President Obama. He tells him that Newman is fully powered up now and it is time for the "ultimate conclusion." Obama nods grimly and presses a button under his desk. Huge robots rise up out of the ocean and fly up into the sky. Jerry explians to the head of NASA that he used the power of the Kramer Device to implant the idea in Obama's head to construct giant robots, in case they were even needed to kill Newman. The head of NASA questions what his life even is now. Newman's rocket arrives back in Earth's atmosphere in 7 minutes. A golden beam fires from his ship, slicing several of the giant robots in half. The other robots start firing their own beams at the ship, but it is shielded. One of the robots pounds the ship with its giant robot fist and it breaks apart. Jerry cheers, but Newman is then seen flying through the air with the Golden Kramer Device, with George and Elaine's kids following in golden bubbles. George and Elaine are watching from a window, but walk away, completely numb. Newman gleefully slaughters robots after robot with the Kramer Device, slicing them up or just smashing the Device into their head. The kids emulated Newman, shooting death beams out of their hands while chanting "WE KILL FOR DADDY NEWMAN, WE KILL FOR DADDY NEWMAN." Jerry shakes in fear. Elaine lies down in bed. George says she needs to get up and help him talk the kids out of murdering people. Elaine says she's tired. She doesn't love the kids and can't even remember what love feels like. She's fucked a million men and a hundred thousand women and she can't even feel from that anymore. The orgasm button has numbed her to life. George says maybe he could fuck her and Elaine laughs manically. She asks if she and George ever loved each other. George flashes back to their first kiss, when Elaine was trying to make Puddy jealous and George got hard as fuck and started humping up against Elaine's leg. Elaine was disgusted at first but then turned on by the depravity. He remembers fond moments between the two of them when they nuzzled each other and shouted things at the tv as the same time. He remembers the kids being born and Elaine saying "they're not too bad!" George starts to cry and Elaine does too. She pulls out a knife. She says she stole it from one of the men she fucked and wants George to use it to end her. George nods grimly. He takes the knife and starts to move towards Elaine's neck. Jerry goes to the basment. Kramer says it's almost time to uploaded his Gay Spider-Man movie to every entertainment device on the planet using the power of the Kramer Device. He says mass gayness will follow. Jerry says that Newman is about to kill millions of people, possibly including Jerry himself. Kramer says Jerry will be fine, he always is. Jerry says he needs Kramer's help. Kramer says he's helping Jerry and the world by turning everyone gay. Jerry asks if Kramer even loves him. Kramer pauses for a moment and asks how Jerry could even ask that. Jerry says if Kramer loved him he'd help him stop Newman. Kramer says he has to make some edits to Spider-Man's cock. There is a huge explosion outside. Jerry takes the Kramer Device and walks out alone. The head of NASA is lying dead on the ground and many buildings have been blown up by Newman and the kids. Newman points the Golden Kramer Device at Jerry and says it's the end. Jerry shoots a beam from his Kramer Device but Newman easily overpowers him with his own. "KILL HIM, DADDY!" say the kids as Jerry lies on the ground, broken. Newman says Jerry doesn't matter at all. He says Kramer has just created the most complicated A.I. reality in the history of this timeline with the NASA computer. He says the Gay Spider-Man dimension simulates a billion humans and the entire universe. He says he will enter that reality using the Golden Kramer device and use it to begin his journey through the simulation layers, destrying them all as he goes and finally revealing the REAL reality. The kids asks if they will die and Nemwan laughs and says yes. Jerry tries to stand to keep fighting but doesn't have the strength to...until Kramer helps him up. Newman asks what Kramer is doing. He says it's time for him to premiere his movie worldwide. Kramer holds out a control device with two buttons on it. He says one button will uploaded his movie to the world and the other will erase it. Newman smiles and says he already knows which button Kramer will press, as he ran eighteen billion simulations. Kramer looks at Jerry...then hits the delete button. "NOOOOOOOOO!" cries Newman, falling to his knees. Jerry is shocked. Newman asks why. Kramer said his love for Jerry is greater than his desire to turn the entire world gay. Jerry and Kramer make out. Newman says he doesn't understand, how could all his calculations be wrong...unless this is the top reality. This is the only one that isn't a simulation. But how does that explain the Golden Kramer Device? Jerry says Newman has lost and should go back to being a postman. Newman says he hasn't lost...he has one last plan. He grasps his Golden Kramer Device and shoots a beam up into space. Jerry asks what he just did. Newman says he just sent a mesasge...to the Catdog Empire. They will be coming to Earth now. And they will destroy it.

TO BE CONTINUED...IN SEASON 30

 

[CaptainWacky]

#30.1 - The darkness of space. The stars themselves turn black as they are obscured by a massive aramada of spaceships. It is the the fleet of the Catdog Empire. We see the Catdog Emperor himself standing on the bridge of his command ship. On screen there is a message displayed on his viewscreen. It reads "I AM JERRY SEINFELD, THE RULER OF EARTH. I THINK THE CATDOG EMPIRE STINKS! WHAT'S THE DEAL WITH THE CATDOG EMPRE? THEY'RE NOT CATS! THEY'RE NOT DOG! THEY'RE BARELY AN EMPIRE! THEY SHOULD BE CALLED THE NOTCATSORDOGS STINKYPOOS! COME TO EARTH TO FIGHT ME!" The message is written in golden letters, indicating that it was actually sent by Newman using the Golden Kramer Device. The Catdogs actually do look like half cats/half dogs but human-sized and with seventeen dicks which run all the way up from their crotch to their neck in a line and are displayed at all times. The Catdog Emperor grunts and the entire fleet goes to warp, heading presumably for Earth. Back at what was once NASA headquarters, Newman laughs insanely. He says he put his final contingency into play. It can only end in one way: with the end of all life in the universe...whether this is the real universe or a simulation. Either way Newman will finally know the truth. Kramer says it doesn't matter because he and Jerry still have their love and holds Jerry's hand. An angry Newman blasts Jerry and Kramer into the ground with his Golden Kramer device. He heads inside the building. He sniffs the air and says "I can smell blood." He finds Goerge and Elaine's bedroom. Elaine is lying in the bed, barely breathing after being stabbed in the neck. George has stabbed himself in the neck too and is bleeding out. "George...likes...his...neck...bloody" he mumbles to himself. Newman steps over George with disdain and leans down over Elaine. "My lost lady love," says Newman, nostalgia in his eyes. "I should have stayed with you and not become the force which will destroy the universe. But my path is set now. I know you don't remember our many nights together, they never happened in your timeline and never will. But now you have a chance to be part of the end of everything. Suicide is beautiful, of course, but complete universal genocide? You will experience many orgasms along the way, greater than even the orgasm button could provide! Join me." Elaine appears to be deceased for a moment, but then life flashes back in her eyes. "Yes," she says. "Yesss..." Newman uses the Golden Kramer Device to heal Elaine of her wound and takes her by the hand. He opens up a portal using the GKD. George, still just about alive, tries to stand. "Heal...heal me too," he says. "I will serve you, Lord Newman!" "Who the fuck are you?" says Newman, leading Elaine through the portal. They disappear. Goerge slumps down, finally giving up. But Jerry and Kramer run into the room. They are both hurt but sustained by the Kramer Device they share. Jerry uses it to heal George. "Where's Newman?" he asks. "The bastard seduced Elaine with a shower of golden energy and took her from me!" says George. "I tried to stop him but he stabbed me in the neck! That's what happened, Jerry. I didn't stab myself!" "So Elaine is part of Nemwn's sick plan," says Jerry. "I have to call Obama." Obama is being sucked off by a white woman in the White House but still answers the phone. "Newman destroyed all the robots!" Obama tells Jerry, before Jerry can speak. "I'm having a white woman suck me off before I die. It's pretty good!" "Newman isn't going to destroy the world," says Jerry. "Then I had this white woman suck me off for nothing!" says Obama. "He's going to have the Catdog Empire do it instead!" says Jerry. "Do you have any weapons that can destroy an alien space fleet?" "I guess I could tell the other world leaders to all launch their nukes at the aliens at the same time," says Obama, moaning in pleasure. "I think they'r eall being sucked off by women of different ethnicities right now because they though the world was about to end, but nuking some alien scum will make them feel better!" Jerry nods happily. He and Kramer use the Krmaer Device to transport them and George back to Jerry's apartment. Kramer says they could get a quick love-making session in before the aliens arrive, but there is a breaking news update on the tv just as he says this. Jerry says the Catdogs must be able to travel at warp 9.9. The newsman says that alien ships have been spotted in Earth orbit and world leaders have decided to nuke them just in case they're evil. All the of the nukes in the world are launched up into space and hit the Catdogs. There is a massive explsion. People on Earth are shown cheering and shouting "DEATH TO ALIENS!" and "I HATE PEOPLE WHO ARE DIFFERENT FROM ME SO YOU CAN IMAGINE HOW I FEEL ABOUT ALIENS!" The explosion clears...and the Catdogs are shown completely uneffected. Their fleet is intact. The Catdog Emperor sends a transmission down to Earth. It appears on every tv at once due to their advanced technology. "People of Earth," he says in perfect English. "I am the leader of all Catdogs. Your lives are now forfeit. Earth will be placed under our control. If you resist, I will kill a million humans every seven of your Earth minutes. You will service us in any way I see fit. And all of this...is because of Jerry Seinfeld. He sent the message to use which alerted us of your existence. It is his fault you will die. Catdog Emperor out!" Jerry looks around, nervously. "It was Newman," he says. "IT WAS NEWMAN!" People in the street below are already throwing rotten tomatoes up at Jerry's window. "That was fast!" says Kramer. Mickey the dwarft cuts through Jerry's door with a chainsaw and runs towards him yelling "JIHAD!" Kramer shoots him dead with the Kramer Device as Jerry watches, shocked. "I can revive him later!" Kramer shrugs, as they look at the massive hole going all the way through Mickey's chest. In Elaine's apartment, Elaine lies on the couch while the kids play with dead rats. Newman smiles at his new family. "Now for the next stage!" he says. "I need to make a phone call..." In the White House, Obama is now being sucked off by a woman dressed as Princess Diana. His phone rings and he asnwers it. "Jerry, what the fuck, did you bring the Catdogs here!" he says. "This isn't Jerry, i'ts Newman," says Newman. "I am about to become your new best friend. I have a way to save the world from the catdogs. And all it will cost you...is Jerry Seinfeld's life."

 

[CaptainWacky]

#30.2 - Newman uses his implants to download a hologram of himself down the phoneline to Obama and the hologram comes out in the Oval Office. Obama stares at him in awe. "I am your salvation," says Newman. "I am Newman. Jerry Seinfeld is the enemy. He deceived you, Obama. He brought the Catdogs to Earth to punish the world for not laughing at his stand up comedy." "That makes sense," says Obama, thoughtfully. "His stand up comedy is terrible. It's so fucking bad. We went to see him one time and MIchelle threw up all over me!" "Once Jerry is gunned down to death by bullets then I will be able to defeat the Catdogs with a clever scheme involving the orgasm device implanted in my girlfriend Elaine," says Newman. Obama nods thoughtfully again. "By the way, I'm not really Obama," he says, at last. He rips his face off, revealing Tom Cruise underneath. "We had him killed so that Scientology can rule the Earth!" Newman reaches into his pocket and pulls out a sealed envelope. He hands it to Tom Cruise, who opens the envelope. It is a hard light envelope so this makes sense. There is a piece of paper inside with "OBAMA IS REALLY TOM CRUISE" written on it. Cruises gasps then bows before Newman. "Truly, you are the messiah!" he says. Newman smiles evily. "I take it you have a secret task force of trained killers who can hunt down Jerry and his boyfriend Kramer and that Costanza guy and gun them down brutally on live tv?" asks Newman. "I have ten of them!" says Tom Cruise, putting his Obama mask back on. He jumps onto the Oval Office desk and starts dancing about. "MURDER, WOOOO!" Back at the apartment, George is pacing up and down the room. The mob outside are now throwing bricks at the window. Kramer has former and energy swod with Kramer Device Energy. "I'll just cut up a few hundred of them, Jerry, make sure they get the message to leave you alone!" says Kramer. "NO!" says Jerry. "No more killing. We need to come up with a plan to defeat Newman. But he's always one step ahead of us, what with his ability to predict the future!" "Maybe we can find another dimension, using the Kramer Device," says Kramer. "Find a reality where Newman has been defeated and ask the versions of us there how they did it." "That's not a bad idea!" says Jerry. "Let's start focusing real hard with the Kramer Devce right now!" They both hold one end of the Kramer Device each and start stroking it. George is still pacing. "Do you think there's a reality where Elaine still loves me?" Just then, there is screaming from the people below. Jerry, Kramer and Geroge run over to the window. A bunch of soldier-type people with robot arms are walking towards the apartment building. Their arms transform into guns and they begin to scale the side of the apartment building using suction caps. "THIS IS IT, JERRY," says Geroge. "I DIE A LOSER LIKE I ALWAYS THOUGHT I WOULD. I'M GOING TO HELL, JERRY. HELL!" "We need to open a portal, fast!" says Jerry. He and Kramer start stroking. A portal appears before them. "HELL!" repeats George. The portal appears red. "I don't like this..." says Kramer. "No time!" says Jerry, as the robot soldiers shoot down the wall and enter, firing SUPER BULLETS that even the Kramer Device can't stop. Jerry, Kramer, and Geroge jumps through the portal and disappear. In the White Hosue, Newman and Obama (really Tom Cruise) are sitting on a big comfy sofa, watching on tv. "The jerks avoided death!" says Cruise, punching down between his legs and into the sofa. "I hate it when that happens!" "This isn't airing live," says Newman. "We'll just change it with A.I. to make it look like they died." "And that will fool the catdogs?" "They are notoriosuly easy to fool!" says Newman, laughing. Cruise jumps on the couch and starts dancing. There is a moan of pain from inside the couch. "I need to go shit!" says Cruise, walking away. Newman unzips the couch when Cruise is gone. Katie Holmes is imprisoned inside. "Help...me..." she says to Newman. He shrugs. "You shouldn't have cheated on Dawson with Pacey!" he says and zips the couch back up. Above the Earth, the Catdog ships beging to descend. Jerry, Kramer and George appear on the other side of the portal. They are in a desolote, seemingly empty Earth. The sky itself if red. "Great!" says Kramer, punching George in the arm. "You saying 'Hell' made us accidnetally take us to a Hell dimension!" "I'm sorry," says George, crying. "GEORGE'S LIFE IS FALLING APART!" Suddnely, there is an oinking noise. An army of pigmen holding spears appar from the shadows, and surround our three heroes. They move closer, poking George in particular with their spears, and seemingly pleasuring themselves as they do. "PIGMEN!" says Kramer. "I've always kind of wanted and army of them! That's strange..." "Oh no," says Jerry. "I know where we are. I know who Satan is here." A ten foot tall red figure steps into view. His face is still recognisable...as the face of Kramer. "I AM DEVIL KRAMER," he says. "YOU PUT ME HERE ONE MILLION YEARS AGO. IT'S PAYBACK TIME!"

 

[CaptainWacky]

#30.3 - "D...devil Kramer?" asks Kramer. Devil Kramer backhands him with his massive red hand and Kramer goes flying. "CALL ME...SATAN," he says. "I FEEL MYSELF BECOMING HIM MORE EVERY DAY!" "Look, we didn't mean to come to your dimension," says Jerry, helping Kramer up. "We'll just open up another portal and be going..." "NO!" says Satan. The Kramer Device vanishes from Jerry's hands. He and Kramer look alarmed. "I order this dimension," says Satan, with a cruel smile. "I can hide your little toy for eternity. You two will stay here and be tortured forever!" "Hey, what about me!" says Geroge, put out. "Am I not important enough to totrue!" "Not really, no," says Satan. "But I will involve you somehow. I like how eager you are!" The pigmen lead Jerry, Kramer and George across the wide open plain. They begin to hear screams. In the distance they see people, many crying in anguish. They also see many, many pigmen. "How did these people come to be here?" asks Jerry. "After you and Kramer trapped me here, in Hell, you mean?" asks Satan, who was once the Kramer of this timeline before Jerry and Kramer exiled him. "I was still powerful with Kramer Device energy. I knew one day we would meet again, that I would have my revenge. I began to reach out, with my Kramer energies. I found I could move my mind into other dimensions, but not my body. At first I thought I was powerless...but then I encountered the souls of the dead. I found I could overpower them, with my superior Kramer will. I began to capture them, and bring them here, and behold! They became corporeal again, the dust of the land converted to flesh by my Kramer alchemy. No, I could create life with souls, but I could create bodies FOR souls. And then...I totured them. For a million years. Out of spite. They all suffer because of you, Jerry Seinfeld. Giddy up." They stop walking and Satan has his pigmen shackle Kramer in chains. Kramer looks down, sadly. "This is our fault, Jerry," he mutters. "We wrought this. Perhaps we deserve punishment." Satan leads Jerry and George to a concrete bed. He has the pigmen tie Jerry down...and then remove Jerry's socks. George stares at Jerry's bare feet. "Becoming aroused, aren't you," says Satan. "I have the memories of another Devil Kramer from another dimension who attached your wife Elaine's feet to Jerry Seinfeld's crotch, feet which you then had the best sex of your life with." "I remember," says George. "GEORGE LOVES FEET." "But these aren't your wife's feets...these are Jerry's feets! How do you feel about them?" "Still pretty good!" says George, starting to remove his pants. Satan stops him. "Oh, you won't be humping them," he says. Then Satan uses his Kramer powers to remove the top layer of skin from the soles of Jerry's feet. "Now...TICKLE HIM!" says Satan, handing a huge feather to George. "TICKLE HIM TO MADNESS!" George hesitates, as while he loves feet, he doesn't want to hurt Jerry. But Pigmen prod him with spears until he has no choice. He begins to tickle Jerry's feet, and with the first layer of skin gone the tickling is so intense that Jerry feels pain as much or more than laughter. "No...HA HA HA...NOOOOO!" cries Jerry. "GEORGE HAS GOT TO TICKLE," says George. Satan walks back to where Kramer is. He then brings out a family. A man, his wife and their eight year old daughter. He lets Kramer out of his chains. "What is this?" asks Kramer. "I want you to toture them until their souls die," says Satan. "I want you to make them Pigmen." "That's...that's how you create pigmen!" says Keramer. "You put souls into bodies, then kill the souls but leave the bodies as your soulless pigmen warriors!" "Of course!" says Satan. "Can you think of another way to create pigmen. Now do it. The wife first, then the husband...and the child last. Use the Soul Scalpel!" He hands a scalpel to Kramer. It's the soul scalpel. "I won't do it," says Kramer, crossing his arms. "I'm good now." "YOU CAN NEVER BE GOOD, FOR THOU ART I!" says Satan. "And if you don't do it...I will kill Jerry Seinfeld. I will turn him into my new chief pigman. Unless you kill this family. "I...I..."says Kramer, beginning to weep. He turns to the woman. "I'm sorry," he says. And he begins to use the scalpel on him as the man screams and covers the little girl's eyes. Meanwhile, George is frantically tickling Jerry, who is writhing in pain. "MAYBE YOU DESERVE THIS," says George. "MAYBE THIS IS RIGHT. YOU'VE BEEN LORDING IT OVER ME MY WHOLE LIFE, JERRY. GEORGE LOVES TO TICKLE!" Kramer has turned the wife and husband both into pigmen. Satan is watching, satisfied. "You see now, don't you, Kramer," says Satan. "Yes," says Kramer, and evil light in his eye. "It felt...good. I am like you. I art thou. I understand your great vision, Satan. Two Satans...twice the pigmen army. The universe will be ours!" "YES," says Satan. "Now kill this child too and complete your journe to the Satan-side!" Kramer holds the soul scalpel high above his head, swings it down towards the child...then jumps forward, stabbing it into Satan's gut. "WHAT!" says Satan. "In your hubris you could not see the possibility that I am not like you!" says Kramer. "I now free your of the burden of existence. GIDDY UP!" Satan's soul leaks out of his stomach and starts to float away. His soul fights for control and flies down at Kramer, but Kramer swings the soul scalpel at it, obliterating it once and for all. The Kramer Device appears as if from nowhere and Kramer grabs hold of it. Satan's body sits up, reanimated. It begins to transfrom into a giant pigmen. Kramer runs over to Jerry and George. "I killed Satan, we got to go!" says Kramer. "I fear this giant pigman I've created me be immune to Kramer Device energies!" "I don't want to go!" says Geroge. "I like torturing Jerry!" "George, come on! says Kramer. George shakes his head in disbelief. "I'm back to normal!" he says. "I must have been mind controlled! Thanks for saving me, Cosmo!" "Sure, George," sayd Kramer, rolling his eyes. They help Jerry up and the skin on his feet regrows magically. Kramer and Jerry open a portal with the Kramer Device. "We should go back home, " says Kramer. "Time moves differently here. Who knows how things will be in our dimension now." The massive pigman draws closer to them, oinking in fury. They jump into the portal, closing it behind them. They re-emerge in Jerry's apartment. Things have changed. It is much bigger, converted into some kind of throne room again. The lighting is dark, but they can see an array of cables on the floor. The lights come on. There are many men in the room, lying on the floor writhing about in sexual pleasure. Jerry gaps when he sees Tom Cruise (wearing Obama's suit) and Newman among the men, but they are sitting before a massive throne and both have steel collars around their necks. They are slaves. "No," says Geroge, the first to look up at who is sitting on the throne. "It can't be!" "But it is," says Elaine. The cables are all going directly up her snatch. She orgasms many times a second, but barely shows it. She is the new ruler of the world. "I have a lot to catch you up on!"

 

[CaptainWacky]

#30.4 - "Elaine!" says Geroge, falling to his knees. "You have enslaved the world somehow!" "Have I?" said Elaine, amsued. "Maybe I'll let Newman tell the whole sordid story. This is what he wanted." "It's not what I wanted!" wails Newman. Elaine pulls tight on his collar. "Silence, dog!" she says. She looks the happiest she has in months. "Tell them everything and be honest or I'll saw your fuck head off." Newman gulps and begins to speak...

"It was all to defeat the Catdogs! Yes, I called them to Earth, but I always had a plan. Part of that plan was turning the whole planet against Jerry and watching him be publically murdered, I will admit. Who among us hasn't planned that at one time or another! But the main crux of my plan was always to defeat the catdogs by trapping them in a simulation on a prison on the moon! You see, A.I. is becoming more and more sophisticated in this time. All over the world it is being used to run secret simulations so that the elite world leaders cant plan ways to dominate the planet. You have to admire them! You, Jerry, you cocknose, you saw the gay Spider-Man movie Kramer created using NASA's computers! It created a completely realistic simulated world! All based around gayness! And by using all other computers in the world, I was able to create a simulation of the entire universe, convincing enough to fool the Catdogs. Oh, it was easy enough to gain access to all the computers of the world using my Newman powers and with help from Tom Cruise here, who has been impersonating Obama for months now. He has access to all the other world leaders at his sex parties. You should see the things he and Putin get up to! Let's just say they call him "put in" for a reason! But I digress! The problem was always that running the simulation would require an enormus power source. That is where Elaine and her orgasm device came in. You don't know the power, the true power, of the female orgasm. It's not just a myth like I always thought! And, using my future technology, I could make the orgasm device grow in power. I was surprised to discover that it was semi-sentient, growing and adapting to Elaine's emotional needs. But even then it was not strong enough to satisfy her anymore. So I had to use future technology to transmit Elaine's orgasm out to the world, making the entire world orgasm too! That power would be enough to run the simulation! Except...Elaine betrayed me! GACK!"

Elaine pulls the collar, choking Newman agan. "Did she really betray you?" asks Jerry. "Or did she realise she was nothing but your puppet!"

"You are right, Jerry," says Elaine, nodding. "Newman's plan was to bind me in this throne, leaving me as nothing but a vessel for the world's orgasms. Yes, I would feel the simultaneous pleasure of every person on the planet, but I would not be free. Men have used me for sex my entire life, and I'm ashamed to say I allowed it. For a while I thought it was the only thing I had to offer. And I enjoyed it, driving men crazy with my sexual wiles. How many times, George, did I cheat on you in our marital bed, knowing you were about to return home and catch us in the act? Knowing that you'd just stand in the door masturbating, too in love with my pussy to every speak up. Remember when I did it with your own father? Remember him screaming "SERENITY NOW!" as he came inside of me? God, I was a monster. Men made me that way...but I have to take some responsibility. That is why I decided to do what I did. I decided that NO WOMAN should ever end up like me. No woman should ever be sexualised against their will be men. So I enslaved all men in the world! They constantly orgasm, but the pleasure doesn't just go to me. I also transmit it out, to any other woman on the Earth who CHOOSE to feel it. Orgasm democracy. Freedom through cum."

"She's a relatable feminist icon!" says Kramer. "I understand," says Jerry. "But what about the Catdog Empire? With you transmitting the orgasms outwards, is there still enough power to keep the simulation going?" "Of course," says Elaine. "You truly don't understand the power of the female orgasm, do you Jerry?" "Well, I am gay now!" laughs Jerry, stroking Kramer's cock through his pants. "What about our kids!" says George. "Are they alive or dead? I don't really care, I just want closure." "They're on the moon, overseeing the Catdog simluation," says Elaine. "Sometims they enter it to torture random Catdogs to death. Having Newman as a role model has turned them profoundly evil." "At least I stepped up when their dad was in Hell!" says Newman. Elaine chokes him again. "So Elaine...what are you going to do, long term?" asks Jerry. "Are you really going to keep all men enslaved forever?" "I hadn't really thought about it," shrugs Elaine. "It's been six months since you meatheads got trapped in Hell. Maybe time moves differently there, who gives a fuck. I suppose I could release some men...but keep the bad ones in my thrall. All of those who attend the sex parties, for example. By the way, I don't let Newman or Tom Cruise orgasm. They don't deserve it." "VILE TART!" says Newman, and Elaine pulls his collar again. Tom Cruise cries. "Save me, Xenu!" he whines. "How come all your simulations didn't see this coming," asks Jerry. "I never took Elaine having free will into account!" says Newman. Suddenly, there is a loud noise and a flash from outside. Jerry, Kramer and George run to the window. "What is it?" asks Elaine. "There's been an explosion," says Jerry. "On the moon!"

 

[CaptainWacky]

#30.5 - "That must have been a really big explosion if we could hear it from the moon!" says Kramer. "Mwahahaha," laughs Newman, weakly. Elaine begins to choke him again but stops. "Why are you laughin, pervert?" she asks. "An explosion on the moon can mean only one thing: the catdgos have escaped. They will slaughter us all! Especially now that Elaine has weakened the Earth so much by enslaving all men! We'll be sitting ducks...and I'll be watching, watching and LAUGHING at the slaughter! MWAHAHAHA!" Elaine chokes him hard now. "He's right!" says Jerry. "This was probably all part of his plan. We have to go to the moon. Use the Kramer Device to retrain the Catdogs." "It won't be strong enough!" says Tom Cruise, suddenly. "Newman told me that the Golden Kramer Device is the only thing that can kill a Catdog! With this information, I bargain for my freedom!" "Shut up, you!" says Newman before Elaine chokes him to near death. "Thank you for the information, Tom Crusie," she says. "The Golden Kramer Device is in my other bedroom. I use it as a dildo sometimes. You assholes can take it, I guess." Jerry nods and goes to the bedroom to fetch the Golden Kramer Device. "Yes, you should carry it, Jerry," says Kramer. "You are the less evil of the two of us. It may corrupt me..." "Hey, I'm not above being corrupted!" says Jerry. "But I will carry it. We can't waste anymore time. To the moon!" "I'm coming too!" says George. "Me kids up are up there. Mine and Elaine's. I've been a lousy father. But I can be there for them now." "I will warn you, Geroge, they're not what they once were," says Elaine, looking regretful for a moment. "Newman has...pervted them. We never should have allowd it. I was too wrapped up with my orgasms, and you with your self-loathing. I don't think we can ever turn them back to normal children." "I know," says Geroge. "From what you've told me...they may need to die. And it should be their father who kills them. It's only right. SERENTIY NOW." Elaine nods grimly. "Okay, I think I can use this thing to transport us all to the moon," says Jerry. "You look after Earth, Elaine. Make sure no Catdogs get down here." "I've been ruling the planet for six months, I know what I'm doing," says Elaine, experiencing sixteen thousand orgasma at once as she does. Jerry uses the GKD to make he, Kramer and George disappear. They reappear on the moon. They are standing under a dome. There is a huge building in front of them with "CATDOG CONTAINMENT FACILITY" written on it. There is smoke coming from it. "This must be the right place," says Kramer, sagely. The three of them head inside the facility. They are shocked by what they see in side. Thousands of Catdogs are wired up like in The Matrix, all experiencing the same shared simulation. The rows and rows of Catdogs extend downwards, right into the heart of the moon. "They all seem to be contained," says Jerry. "But I think the smoke goes further back..." They head deeper into the facility. There are huge computers banks running the simulation. They walk by them and find more Catdogs, but these are different. Some of them are dead. Others are writhing in the pain. The smoke is rising from a computer near them. And then they see them. The wardens of the Catdogs. The kids. George gasps. They have metal arms and legs now. Their eyes have been carved out and replaced by robot eyes. They are monsters. "K...kids?" says George. "Hello, biological father," they say, simultaensouly. "Daddy Newman has made some...improvements, to us." "You tortured these Catdogs it made a computer explode," observes Jerry. "We live to torture," say the kids, showing no emotion. "We did take it too far. But the simulation is still running. We will torture even more them soon. We will feast on their pain. All glory to Daddy Newman." "NO!" says Geroge. "George can't allow his biolgoical kids to go on like this! I was recently in Hell and I tortured Jerry by tickling his flayed feet. I'm ashamed to admit it aroused me sexually. But I stopped! Because I learned that torture is wrong! And you have to learn that too! Listen to your hearts!" "We have no hearts, " say the kids, coldly. "Daddy Newman removed them and replaced them with black holes. All our humanity has been sucked into another universe and can never be regained. We could blow up the moon itself with our black hole hearts and will if we have to. But first...we will kill you, George Costanza. You are nothing to us." And then in a sickening sight the kids merge into one entity. Their bodies presses together, their flesh melding into one. Kramer, Jerry and George recoil in horror. One Super Kid is all that remains, ten feet tall and more grim looking than ever. The Super Kid smiles, darkly, then shoots lazer beams out its eyes at George. Jerry deflects the beams at the last moment with the golden Kramer Device. The beams shoot back into the Super Kid, hitting it in the chest. "No!" says the Super Kid. "You hit our black hole heart. We will explode in ten seconds, blowing up the moon!" "Oh what irony!" says George. "Dying in the exact way you threatened you would a few seconds ago!" Jerry uses the GKD to transport he, George and Kramer back to Elaine's throne room. They run to the window. "The moon's still there!" says Kramer. But then it explodes, sending moon rocks flying everywhere.. "I just genocided the entire Catdog Empire!" says Jerry. Newman laughs again. Elaine looks worried. "Don't tell me you planned this," she says. "I've been totruing you for six months, that can't have been in your design!" "My plan went off course for a while," admits Newman. "All because I couldn't predict the effects of the female orgasm! But now things are back on track! The entire Catdog Emprie, Jerry? The millions Catdogs held on the moon came here on a SCOUT SHIP. There are A BILLION other Catdogs out there, and they just heard the psychic cries of pain from their murdered million! They will all be coming to Earth now...TO KILL US ALL! MWAHAHAHAHA!"