BLOOM I'm hysterical. I'm having hysterics. I'm hysterical. I can't stop. When I get like this, I can't stop. I'm hysterical.BIALYSTOCK RUSHES TO THE DESK. PICKS UP A CARAFE OF WATERAND SHOSHES ITS CONTENTS INTO BLOOM'S FACE. BLOOM I'm wet! I'm wet! I'm hysterical and I'm wet!BIALYSTOCK IN A DESPERATE MOVE TO STOP BLOOM'S HYSTERICS,SLAPS HIM ACROSS THE FACE. BLOOM (holding his face) I'm in pain! And I'm wet! And I'm still hysterical!BIALYSTOCK RAISES HIS HAND AGAIN. BLOOM No! No! Don't hit. It doesn't help. It only increases my sense of danger. BIALYSTOCK What can I do? What can I do? You're getting me hysterical. BLOOM Go away from me. You frighten me. (he indicates the sofa) Sit over there. 25.BIALYSTOCK SITS ON THE SOFA. BIALYSTOCK (exasperated) Okay. I'm way over here. Is that better? BLOOM It's a little better, but you still look angry. BIALYSTOCK How's this? (he smiles sweetly) BLOOM Good. Good. That's nice. That's very nice. I think I'm coming out of it now. Yes. Yes. I'm definitely coming out of it. Thank you for smiling. It helped a great deal. BIALYSTOCK (for want of something sensible) Well, you know what they say, "Smile and the world smiles with you." Heh, heh. (to himself) The man should be in a straight jacket. (to Bloom) Feeling better? BLOOM Much, thank you. But I am a little lightheaded. Maybe I should eat something. Hysterics have a way of severely depleting one's blood sugar, you know. BIALYSTOCK They certainly do. They certainly do. Come, let me take you to lunch. BLOOM That's very kind of you, Mr. Bialystock, but I ... 26. BIALYSTOCK (interrupting) Nonsense, nonsense, my dear boy. I lowered your blood sugar, but least I could do is raise it a little.BLOOM LOOKS AT HIM SUSPICIOUSLY. BIALYSTOCK And I promise you faithfully, I won't discuss that silly scheme to make a million dollars anymore.BIALYSTOCK DONS HIS CAPE AND "BELASCO" HAT. FROM A RACK HESELECTS A GOLD-TOPPED WALKING STICK. HE GOES TO DOOR, OPENSIT, AND WITH A GRAND FLOURISH, MOTIONS BLOOM TO PRECEDE HIM. BIALYSTOCK Avanti!BLOOM GRACIOUSLY COMPLIES. THEY EXIT.CUT TO EXTERIOR. ENTRANCE OF BIALYSTOCK'S OFFICE BUILDING.THE DOOR OPENS. IT IS HELD BY BIALYSTOCK. BLOOM EXITSBUILDING INTO STREET. BLOOM (to Bialystock, who is holding door) Thank you. BIALYSTOCK Je vous empris.THEY TURN UP 45TH STREET AND HEAD TOWARD BROADWAY.BIALYSTOCK REACHES INTO HIS POCKET AND COUNTS HIS MONEY. HELOOKS WORRIED. SUDDENLY HIS FACE BRIGHTENS.WE SEE WHAT BIALYSTOCK SEES.CUT TO MURRAY THE BLINDMAN WORKING 45TH STREET.CAMERA BACK TO BIALYSTOCK AND BLOOM.BIALYSTOCK DROPS A STEP BEHIND, QUICKLY TAKES OFF HIS HATAND FLINGS IT THROUGH THE AIR. BIALYSTOCK (pointing to his hat) My hat. BLOOM I'll get it. 27.HE RACES AFTER IT.BIALYSTOCK DETOURS SLIGHTLY TOWARD MURRAY THE BLINDMAN, WHOWEARS A LARGE CARDBOARD SIGN WITH THE LEGEND: "MURRAY THEBLINDMAN. YOU CAN SEE. I CAN'T. GIVE!" INSCRIBED ON IT.BIALYSTOCK REACHES DOWN INTO HIS CUP AND GRABS A FIST FULLOF COINS. BIALYSTOCK Murray, I'm going to lunch. I took two dollars. MURRAY THE BLINDMAN Okay, Bialy, that makes six eighty you owe me. BIALYSTOCK I know. Don't worry. You'll get it. You'll get it. MURRAY THE BLINDMAN (tapping his way along) Well, don't forget about it. I need it. Nobody understands. I'm competing with giants. The Greater New York Fund. The March of Dimes. The Community Chest. They're driving me out of business.BLOOM COMES DASHING BACK WITH HAT IN HAND. BLOOM (out of breath) I got it, Mr. Bialystock.HE PROFFERS HAT TO BIALYSTOCK. BIALYSTOCK TAKES IT. BIALYSTOCK Thank you, Leo. And call me Max. You know, I don't let everybody call me Max. It's only people I really like. BLOOM (trying it on) Okay ... Max! And you can call me Leo. BIALYSTOCK I already have. Come on. BLOOM Oh. 28. BIALYSTOCK Where would you like to eat? BLOOM Well, Max, I don't know, Max. What do you think, Max?BIALYSTOCK QUIETLY WINCES AT THE SURFEIT OF MAX. BIALYSTOCK Let me see ... it's such a beautiful day. Why waste it indoors. I've got it! Let's go to Coney Island! We'll lunch at the sea shore. BLOOM Coney Island?? BIALYSTOCK What's the matter, Leo? Don't you like Coney Island? BLOOM I ... I love it. I haven't been there since I was a kid. But it's nearly two o'clock. I really should be getting back to Whitehall and Marks. BIALYSTOCK Nonsense! As far as Whitehall and Marks are concerned, you're working with Bialystock, right? BLOOM Right. BIALYSTOCK Then stick with Bialystock!SWISH PAN CUT TO CONEY ISLAND.FAR SHOT OF BIALYSTOCK AND BLOOM AMIDST THE CROWD AT ACUSTARD STAND.CAMERA ZOOMS IN. TWO SHOT. BIALYSTOCK (to Custard Man) We'll have another round. CUSTARD MAN What kind now, sports? 29. BIALYSTOCK What kind now, Leo? BLOOM (he's loosening up) I don't know. Let's see. We've had chocolate, vanilla, banana - let's go green. BIALYSTOCK (to Custard Man) Two pistachios, my good man. CUSTARD MAN I'm not your good man, I happen to own this establishment. (he turns to fill the order) BIALYSTOCK Everybody's a big shot. (turns to Bloom) Well, Leo, are you having a good time? BLOOM I don't know. I think so. I feel very strange. BIALYSTOCK Maybe you're happy. BLOOM Yes. That's it. Happy. Well, whatta ya think of that. Happy.QUICK DISSOLVE TO BIALYSTOCK AND BLOOM ON THE WHIP (A CONEYISLAND RIDE). THEY ARE TIGHTLY SQUEEZED INTO ONE OF THEMOVING SEATS. THEY ARE BETWEEN "WHIPS". BLOOM (licking his pistachio custard. He is ecstatic) I love it. I love it. Get set. We're coming to another turn. BIALYSTOCK (working, relentlessly working on Bloom) Bloom, it can always be like this. Life can be beautiful. Let me show you. Stick with ...THEY HIT THE TURN. 30. BIALYSTOCK Bialysto-o-o-o-ckk.QUICK DISSOLVE TO BARKER SELLING TICKETS IN FRONT OF TUNNELOF LOVE. MEDIUM SHOT OF EXIT. A LITTLE BOAT COMES OUT. INIT ARE A MAN AND A WOMAN EMBRACING. IT IS FOLLOWED BYANOTHER. IN IT THERE IS A SAILOR KISSING A GIRL. BOATNUMBER THREE COMES OUT. IN IT ARE BIALYSTOCK AND BLOOM.CLOSE IN TO A TIGHT TWO SHOT. BLOOM IS MESMERIZED.BIALYSTOCK SPEAKS IN A SOFT, ENCHANTING TONE. BIALYSTOCK Money is honey. Money is honey. Money can put soft things next to your skin. Silk ... satin ... women.CLOSE-UP OF BLOOM'S EYES. THEY WIDEN ON THE WORD "WOMEN."QUICK DISSOLVE TO PARACHUTE JUMP. BIALYSTOCK AND BLOOM ARESEATED IN A LITTLE GONDOLA THAT SWINGS BENEATH A HUGEPARACHUTE. THEY ARE BUCKLING THEMSELVES IN. BLOOM But if we're caught, we'll go to prison. BIALYSTOCK (sensing victory, he marshals his forces for the final assault) You think you're not in prison now? Living in a grey little room. Going to a grey little job. Leading a grey little life. BLOOM You're right. You're absolutely right. I'm a nothing. I spend my life counting other people's money -- people I'm smarter than, better than. Where's my share? Where's Leo Bloom's share? I want, I want, I want, I want everything I've ever seen in the movies!THE PARACHUTE BEGINS TO ASCEND. WE FOLLOW. BLOOM (coming out of it) Hey, we're going up. 31. BIALYSTOCK You bet your boots, Leo. It's Bialystock and Bloom -- on the rise. Upward and onward. Say, you'll join me. Nothing can stop us.BIALYSTOCK OFFERS HIS HAND TO BLOOM. BLOOM (shouting at the top of his lungs) I'll do it! By God, I'll do it!BLOOM GRABS BIALYSTOCK'S HAND AND SHAKES IT FIRMLY. BIALYSTOCK This is where we belong, Leo. On top of the world. Top of the world!THEY HIT THE TOP. THE PARACHUTE IS RELEASED, THEY QUICKLYPLUMMET DOWN. BIALYSTOCK Oiiiiiii!!! BLOOM Ohhhhhhhh!!!BIALYSTOCK AND BLOOM DROP OUT OF FRAME.SLOW DISSOLVE TO BIALYSTOCK'S OFFICE. NIGHT. OVERHEAD SHOT.BIALYSTOCK AND BLOOM ARE BATHED IN A SMALL POOL OFCONCENTRATED LIGHT. THEY ARE DOWN TO THEIR SHIRT SLEEVES.THEY ARE FEVERISHLY READING PLAY MANUSCRIPTS. ALL ABOUTTHEM ARE STREWN COFFEE CONTAINERS, SOME EMPTY, SOME HALF-FILLED. THERE IS A HUGE PILE OF DISCARDED SCRIPTS ON THEFLOOR.CUT TO TIGHT SHOT OF LEO BLOOM AS HE READS SCRIPT. HE LOOKSUP, PUSHES HIS GLASSES BACK AND MASSAGES THE BRIDGE OF HISNOSE. BLOOM Max, let's call it a night. It's two in the morning. I don't know what I'm reading anymore.PULL BACK TO TWO SHOT. BIALYSTOCK Read, read. We've got to find the worst play ever written. 32.BIALYSTOCK TURNS HIS ATTENTION TO A NEW SCRIPT. HE CRACKSIT OPEN AND BEGINS READING. BIALYSTOCK Hmmnn. "Gregor Samsa awoke one morning to find he had been transformed into a giant cock-a- roach."IN A RAGE BIALYSTOCK FLINGS THE MANUSCRIPT ONTO THE PILE OFDISCARDS AS HE BELLOWS: BIALYSTOCK It's good!!!CAMERA MOVES UP AND WE DISSOLVE THROUGH TO MEDIUM SHOT OFOFFICE. BIALYSTOCK AND BLOOM ARE THOROUGHLY DISHEVELED ANDBADLY IN NEED OF A SHAVE. BLOOM (mumbling to himself as he reads) Wait a minute, I've read this part. I'm reading plays I read this morning.HE GETS UP, STRETCHES, GOES TO WINDOW AND RAISES SHADE.SUNLIGHT FLOODS THE ROOM. HE REELS BACK AS THOUGH STRUCK. BLOOM Good lord, it's morning. Let's face it, we'll never find it. (he turns to face Bialystock) Max, tomorrow's another day. Today's another day. BIALYSTOCK (off-camera. Crazy little voice) We'll never find it, eh? We'll never find it, eh? Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.CUT TO BIALYSTOCK. HE IS STANDING. AT HIS FEET LIES ASCRIPT. HE DANCES AROUND IT, HIS ARMS FOLDED ACROSS HISCHEST. BIALYSTOCK (as he does an insane little jig around the script) You can't smell it when it's under your nose. You can't see it when it's right before your eyes. (MORE) 33. BIALYSTOCK (CONT'D) You can't feel it when it's in your hand, when it's in your pocket.CUT TO MEDIUM SHOT. BLOOM Max, what is it? What are you doing? What's happening? BIALYSTOCK I'll tell you what's happening. We've struck gold. Not fool's gold, but real gold. The mother lode. The mother lode. The mother of them all. BLOOM (brightening) You found a flop! BIALYSTOCK A flop, ha! That's putting it mildly. A disaster! A catastrophe! An outrage! A guaranteed-to-close- in-one-night beauty!HE BENDS DOWN, PICKS UP THE SCRIPT AND SHAKES IT IN BLOOM'SFACE. BIALYSTOCK This is freedom from want forever. This is a house in the country. This is a Rolls Royce and a Bentley. This is wine, women and song and women.BLOOM SNATCHES THE SCRIPT FROM HIS HANDS AND READS ALOUD THETITLE.CUT TO CLOSE-UP. TITLE OF SCRIPT. BLOOM (voice over) "SPRINGTIME FOR HITLER, A Gay Romp with Adolph and Eva in Berchtesgarten." Fantastic!BACK TO TWO SHOT. BIALYSTOCK AND BLOOM. BIALYSTOCK It's practically a love letter to Hitler! 34. BLOOM (ecstatic) It won't run a week! BIALYSTOCK Run a week? Are you kidding? This play has got to close in the first act. BLOOM Who wrote it?CUT TO AUTHOR'S NAME ON THE MANUSCRIPT: By FRANZ LIEBKIND.DISSOLVE THROUGH AUTHOR'S NAME TO BIALYSTOCK AND BLOOM,SHAVED AND DAPPER, WALKING DOWN STREET IN A RUN-DOWN TENEMENTNEIGHBORHOOD. BLOOM Here it is -- 415.THEY MARCH UP STOOP TO NUMBER 415. THEIR MOTION IS ARRESTEDBY A QUERULOUS COMMAND ISSUED IN PHLEGMATIC TONES BY THESUPERINTENDENT OF THE BUILDING (A WOMAN IN HER LATE FORTIES)WHO IS LEANING OUT OF HER WINDOW WHICH IS ADJACENT TO THESTOOP. SUPER Who do you want? BLOOM (taken aback) I beg your pardon? SUPER Who do you want? No one gets in the building unless I know who they want ... I'm the concierge. My husband used to be the concierge. He's dead. Now I'm the concierge. BIALYSTOCK (imperiously) We are seeking Mr. Franz Liebkind. SUPER Oh, the kraut. He's on the top floor. Apartment twenty-three. BLOOM Thank you.THEY START INTO THE BUILDING. 35. SUPER But you won't find him there. He's up on the roof with his birds. He keeps birds. Dirty, disgusting, filthy, lice-ridden birds. You used to be able to sit out on the stoop like a person. Not anymore. No sir. Birds! You get my drift? BLOOM We ... uh ... get your drift. Thank you, Madam. SUPER I'm not a madam. I'm a concierge.BIALYSTOCK AND BLOOM ENTER THE BUILDING.CUT TO FRANZ LIEBKIND. HE IS IN HIS EARLY FORTIES. HE ISWEARING, AS ALWAYS, A GERMAN HELMET. HE CROUCHES BESIDE AHUGE PIGEON COOP. IN HIS LEFT HAND HE TENDERLY HOLDS APIGEON. IN HIS RIGHT, A SMALL PHOTO OF ADOLPH HITLER. HESHOWS THE PICTURE TO THE BIRD. HE MOVES IT BACK AND FORTHUNTIL HE IS SURE THE BIRD IS FOCUSED ON IT PROPERLY. LIEBKIND (to pigeon) Hilda, look ... look good ... Hilda, you're not looking. Hilda, if he lives, I know you will find him.HE KISSES THE BIRD AND TOSSES IT SKYWARD.CUT TO ROOF DOOR. BIALYSTOCK AND BLOOM ENTER ONTO THE ROOF.THEY LOOK FOR LIEBKIND. HE IS NOT ON THAT SIDE OF ROOF.THEY WALK AROUND TO OTHER SIDE. AS SOON AS THEY TURN THECORNER, THEY SPOT LIEBKIND CROUCHED NEAR THE COOP. BLOOM (quietly to Bialystock) He's wearing a German helmet. BIALYSTOCK (in a fierce whisper) Shhh. Don't say anything to offend him. We need that play. (cups his hands to his mouth and calls up to the coop) Franz Liebkind?LIEBKIND IS NOT AWARE OF THEIR PRESENCE UNTIL HE HEARS HISNAME CALLED. 36.STARTLED, HE QUICKLY FLIPS HITLER'S PICTURE UNDER HIS HELMET. LIEBKIND (he speaks with a German accent) I vas never a member of the Nazi party. I am not responsible. I only followed orders. Who are you? BIALYSTOCK Mr. Liebkind, wait. You don't understand. LIEBKIND Vhy do you persecute me? My papers are in order. I love my country. (he sings) "Oh, beautiful for spacious skies, For amber vaves of grain." BIALYSTOCK Mr. Liebkind, wait ... LIEBKIND (singing) "I'm a Yankee Doodle Dandy ... BIALYSTOCK (interrupting) Mr. Liebkind, relax, relax, we're not from the government. We came here to talk to you about your play. LIEBKIND My play? You mean, "Springtime For ... " you know who? BIALYSTOCK Yes. LIEBKIND Vat about it? BIALYSTOCK We loved it. We thought it was a masterpiece. That's why we're here. We want to produce it on Broadway. LIEBKIND You're not, as you Americans say, dragging my leg, are you? 37. BLOOM No, not at all sir, we're quite serious. We want to produce your play. (he reaches into his attache case and displays a legal looking document) I have the contracts right here. LIEBKIND (looking up) Oh joy of joys! Oh, dream of dreams! I can't believe it. (he turns to the pigeons) Birds, birds, do you hear? Otto, Bertz, Heintz, Hans, Wolfgang, do you hear? Ve are going to clear the Fuhrer's name. Fly, fly, spread the words.HE OPENS THE CAGES AND SETS THE BIRDS FREE. LIEBKIND (singing at the top of his lungs) "Deutchland, Deutchland, uber alles, Uber alles in der velt."BIALYSTOCK AND BLOOM LOOK AT EACH OTHER IN ALARM. LIEBKIND (singing for all he's worth) "Deutchland, Deutchland ... " BLOOM (shouting) Mr. Liebkind, Mr. Liebkind.LIEBKIND STOPS SINGING. LIEBKIND Vat? BLOOM People can hear you. LIEBKIND OH. (he sings) "I'm a Yankee Doodle Dandy, Yankee Doodle is my ... " Listen, this is not place to talk. Come! (MORE) 38. LIEBKIND (CONT'D) We go to my flat. An occasion like this calls for Schnapps.DISSOLVE TO FRANZ LIEBKIND'S APARTMENT. LIEBKIND HAS JUSTFINISHED POURING THREE GLASSES OF SCHNAPPS. HE PUTS THEBOTTLE ON A TRAY. LIEBKIND (as he hands glasses to Bialystock and Bloom) Mr. Bloom, Mr. Bialystock. Gentleman, with your permission, I would like to propose a toast to the greatest man that ever lived. Let us say his name quietly to ourselves. The walls have ears.CUT TO TIGHT SHOT OF FRANZ LIEBKIND. LIEBKIND (a fervent whisper) Adolph Hitler. (he downs drink)CUT TO TIGHT SHOT OF BLOOM. BLOOM (whisper) Sigmund Freud. (he downs drink)CUT TO TIGHT SHOT OF BIALYSTOCK. BIALYSTOCK (whisper) Max Bialystock. (he downs drink)BACK TO SCENE. LIEBKIND I vas vit him a great deal, you know. BIALYSTOCK With whom? 39. LIEBKIND (astonished by the question) Vit the Fuhrer, of course. He liked me. Out of all the household staff at Berchtesgarten, I vas his favorite. I vas the only one allowed into his chambers at bedtime. BIALYSTOCK No kidding? LIEBKIND Oh, sure. I used to take him his hot milk and his opium. Achhh, those were the days. Vat good times ve had. Dinner parties vit lovely ladies and gentlemen, singing und dancing. You know, not many people knew about it, but the Fuhrer vas a terrific dancer. BIALYSTOCK Really, I never dreamed ... LIEBKIND (flies into an indignant rage) That's because you were taken in by that verdampter Allied propaganda. Such filthy lies. But nobody said a bad vord about Winston Churchill, did they? Oh no, Vin Vit Vinnie! (he gestures V for victory) Churchill, vit his cigars and his brandy and his rotten paintings. Couldn't even say Nazi. He would say Narzis, Narzis. Ve vere not Narzies, ve vere Nazis. But let me tell this, and you're getting it straight from the horse, Hitler vas better looking than Churchill, he vas a better dresser than Churchill, had more hair, told funnier jokes, and could dance the pants off Churchill! BIALYSTOCK (swinging along) That's exactly why we want to do this play. To show the world the true Hitler, the Hitler you knew, the Hitler you loved, the Hitler with a song in his heart. (MORE) 40. BIALYSTOCK (CONT'D) (to Bloom) Leo, quick, the contract.BLOOM QUICKLY WHIPS THE CONTRACT OUT OF HIS POCKET, PRODUCESA PEN, HANDS THEM TO BIALYSTOCK. BIALYSTOCK SPREADS THECONTRACT OUT ON THE TABLE BEFORE LIEBKIND. BIALYSTOCK Here, sign here, Franz Liebkind. And make your dream a reality.HE HANDS LIEBKIND THE PEN. LIEBKIND REFUSES IT. LIEBKIND Wait. No. How do I know I can trust you? How do I know you vill present this play in the manner and spirit in vhich it vas conceived? BIALYSTOCK We swear it! LIEBKIND Not good enough... Vould you be villing to take the Siegfried oath? BIALYSTOCK Yes. We would!INSERT: CLOSE-UP BLOOM. HE LOOKS WORRIED. LIEBKIND Good. I will make the preparations.LIEBKIND LEAVES THE ROOM. BLOOM (anxious whisper) Max, I don't want to take any Siegfried Oath. I don't know what it is, but I don't want to take it. We might end up in the German Army. BIALYSTOCK Shut up, you idiot. He's a harmless nut. Play along with him. It's almost in the bag.LIEBKIND ENTERS. HE IS LADEN DOWN WITH ALL SORTS OFRITUALISTIC PARAPHERNALIA. LIEBKIND PLACES ALL THE STUFF ONTHE TABLE. WITHOUT A WORD TO THEM, HE GOES TO PHONOGRAPH. 41.IN A FEW SECONDS WE HEAR THE OPENING STRAINS OF WAGNER'S"RIDE OF THE VALKYRIES." AS THE MUSIC BOOMS LOUDER, LIEBKINDADDRESSES THEM. LIEBKIND Please to don your helmets.FROM THE TABLE THEY TAKE CLASSIC WAGNERIAN HELMETS (WITHHORNS) AND PLACE THEM ON THEIR HEADS. LIEBKIND Please to light your candles.THEY EACH TAKE A HUGE WHITE CANDLE FROM THE TABLE AND LIGHTIT. LIEBKIND FLICKS THE LIGHT SWITCH. NOW THEY ARE IN THEDARK EXCEPT FOR THE GLOW OF THEIR CANDLES. LIEBKIND Please repeat after me. I solemnly swear... BIALYSTOCK AND BLOOM I solemnly swear... LIEBKIND By the sacred memory... BIALYSTOCK AND BLOOM By the sacred memory... LIEBKIND Of Siegfried... BIALYSTOCK AND BLOOM Of Siegfried...
But hey! He wasn't controlling anything in Australia, so you lose: Hitler did not ever control half the planet.
