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Emotionally available

The issue is that the more you have sex with a partner, the higher the likelihood that there will be an emotional connection. I try to keep my extra-relationship affairs to two or three sessions at most. After that, there's a fear that one of us will grow attached and I'm not looking for a replacement for my partner, as just someone to have a romp with a few times a year.
 
To me the emotionally available part really doesn't have much to do with sex at all. What is rough in a relationship is living with a person who treats their partner like they are there for the functional purposes - housework, yard work, a paycheck to help pay the bills, fix the car, cook, shopping for necessities, to be their companion at required functions at family and office parties, and the guaranteed lay. But, when it comes to fun that person is off on boy's or girl's night out. Not that couples shouldn't have some friends separately or spend time apart, but when all the partner gets is the work and responsibility and none or very little of the fun and non-work aspect, that is where the emotional availability becomes an issue. Then, sex becomes an issue.
 
Have you young ones worked it out yet?

Be a Sadistic Bastard, have a touch of the unattainable and the "dark" about you, but at the same time show some emotional vulnerability.

The women come out of the woodwork once they realize what you are. I don't chase women, they chase me.
 
Not all of us do. Though I find you interesting to speak with, I find your view of women controlling and demeaning.

Nothing personal. Just my opinion.
 
That's ok Ms. Friday, no offense taken. I don't need every woman to chase me, my ego's ok with that. If everyone liked me I know I'd be doing something wrong (like not living up to principle).

I fail to see how my behavior is demeaning, however.
 
I do respect you, Consumer. I'd sit down and throw back a few drinks with you any day. It would be fun! :)

I just don't respect your need to dominate women. You claim that since your actions are consensual, that makes it okay. But it doesn't. You need to keep the upper hand in your relationship at all times. You claim that it is for the woman's own good, but is it really? Or is it just an ego boost for you?

Your behavior is demeaning in that it subjugates your partner. You've tried to explain it to me in the past, the upshot being your partner finds independence and growth in the slave role. I put to you that theory is merely a rationalization to keep the upper hand.

You mentioned something once that stayed with me. I don't remember it verbatim, but I remember the spirit of the passage. You claimed that your partner's sexual escapades allow her to work through her issues. I asked why not help your partner in a more positive, equal manner? Why help her with her issues by keeping her as a slave? I honestly do not recall the answer.
 
My Dear Ms. Friday,

I seem to recall that conversation, but I'm not sure of my specific answer either. However, I can answer that in the "here and now" (if you ever find the previous conversation, let's see how close I am!).

D/s, as I see it, is an outgrowth of a person's defense mechanisms. Sex (at least the way I view it, see Greg's opinion which is a bit different) ties into emotions at a very deep level. It is in these levels that many of our defense mechanisms are. A therapist will ask questions to make us see and evaluate those defenses, to see if they are still needed, have become destructive and should be removed, or may need to be modified. In a way, D/s is therapeutic for an individual who can't 'reach' those things any other way.

I encouraged my ex to get therapy. In fact, I STILL encourage her to do so, I am of the belief that she shouldn't be doing D/s with anyone, much less in a "Top" or "Domme" role which she's exploring now. She's going to hurt herself and those under her as long as she's not dealing with other base issues. D/s can be unhealthy, it can "mask" other issues.

However, for the right personality, and I have over two decades of experience in spotting these personalities, D/s can allow intimacy that guilt or other issues can prevent. Everything in a "vanilla" romance is in D/s, only carried "further" (including so far as to be over the top in some cases). I did my ex a LOT of good. No doubt the next woman who wears my collar will also gain self esteem, self-awareness, and an enhanced sensuality because I will demand it of her and not allow her to do otherwise.

I am, in some respects, a conscience. When she runs, I am a safe place. But I am also not a place to hide in, she is safe, and from that safe place she will be able to see what it is she ran from. And, with my help, she'll have to go and face it too.

This is part of the frightening thing about D/s: in the hands of a caring person it will make both sides change. I can't be "safe" if I'm not working on myself either. This is why I'm somewhat quiescent right now, I'm not strong enough to provide that structure when I'm grieving. It also shows that the Dom in a situation risks as much as the sub. I have grieved for our broken relationship over a year now...and I'm not done.

I'll take that beer any time, Ms. Friday. And I'll even walk you home. You'll never have been more safe since you left your parent's house. :)
 
Friday said:
I just don't respect your need to dominate women.
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I'm posting because I just can't resist. Good to see you Friday [it's cait]. It's been a long time. :)

I wondered if you respected a woman's need to be dominated, for whatever reason? I know you'd never consider a situation like that, nor do you need it, but how about respecting a woman's choice to fulfill her own needs by being dominated.

I ask because most people have some sort of preference about sex. Some little kink or big fetish. Some need that needs fulfilling. Some itch that needs to be scratched.

Some love oral and are orally fixated. Would you respect a man or woman who wishes to fulfill his or her oral needs.

I knew a guy once who was absolutely fixated on anal sex, and for reasons I understood but didn't approve of--he felt it humiliated women and he loved to humiliate women. Not my kink, but I understood his need. Would you respect a woman that allowed a man to be fulfilled in that way?

I know a lot of women who prefer and /or need some kind of dominance [to greater or lesser degrees] in their sex lives. How many women have the "Thrown up against the wall and ravished" fantasy. All that boils down to is --dominance.

So while you might not respect a man's need to dominate, even if it is loving, can you at least see yourself allowing a woman to choose her own kind of sexual fulfillment--even if you don't get it? After all someone like Consumer
[SB] can't dominate without a woman expressing her need to be there. It's the woman who sets it all in motion after all.
 
Hey Cait! :D

To answer your post first.

I would respect a woman's choice to be dominated, but I would find myself wondering what is missing in her emotional make-up that predicates her to subjugation. Why does she not want to take responsibility for her own life, and give her power to someone else (whether it be a man or woman)? Is it low self esteem, or guilt, or self loathing, or arrested maturity?

If a woman chooses anal sex as a source of pleasure, that's fine. However, to knowingly engage in a relationship where the stated end result is her humiliation? I would say that woman has no self respect.

I don't know if you remember me talking about the little girl I used to nanny for, years ago. Well, that young woman has started high school this year. Growing up, both I and her mother made sure to instill a sense of self and independence in her. Today, she is an intelligent, eloquent, centered young woman who is not afraid to be herself, and is not afraid to voice her well thought out opinions on any number of topics. She and I have even participated in a number of spirited political debates.

If a girl is raised in an empowered environment, there is little need to take on a submissive role, in any aspect of her life.

Of course, how I view these women should have no bearing on their life choices. It is not up to me to allow, or disallow. I shouldn't be given that power. I offer opinions. Nothing more.
 
Friday said:
Hey Cait! :D

To answer your post first.

I would respect a woman's choice to be dominated, but I would find myself wondering what is missing in her emotional make-up that predicates her to subjugation. Why does she not want to take responsibility for her own life, and give her power to someone else (whether it be a man or woman)? Is it low self esteem, or guilt, or self loathing, or arrested maturity?
Click to expand...

Good answer. And, I think it's important to look at what things in a person's life lead to certain sexual proclivities, and it's not unusual [in fact it's common] to think there is something psychologically damaged about a submissive woman. But, trust me, and independent, intelligent, and powerful woman can decide she likes being dominated sexually.

Just as people like oral sex, or anal sex, or the missionary position, some women aren't sick just because they like to be dominated. Like I said, the "thrown up against the wall and ravished", or the "rescue fantasy" are some of the most common female fantasies.

Women just don't talk about it, just like they don't talk about a fetish for anal sex, or an oral fetish. But it is there, and women choose a variety of things without being mentally deficient.

If a woman chooses anal sex as a source of pleasure, that's fine. However, to knowingly engage in a relationship where the stated end result is her humiliation? I would say that woman has no self respect.
Click to expand...

What if the humiliation is pleasure? What if the domination is pleasure? What then?

If a girl is raised in an empowered environment, there is little need to take on a submissive role, in any aspect of her life.
Click to expand...

I love ya, but that is so narrow minded. There is such a big different between being a powerful woman in our culture, and being a female in an intimate situation. It's one of the mistakes of the feminist movement, and it is much like the ire that some women have against women who freely choose to be a mother and a wife. It's seen as a throw-back, when in all reality it is exactly what feminism is all about. The freedom to make our own choices and to live our own lives on our terms.

Women choose submission because that is what "does" make them happy. Just as your young woman friend will make her choices and hopefully make her own happiness. Because she has the choice.

Pro choice [not just reproductive choices] means more than making the culturally right choices, it's all about makes our own choices.

Of course, how I view these women should have no bearing on their life choices. It is not up to me to allow, or disallow. I shouldn't be given that power. I offer opinions. Nothing more.
Click to expand...

Well, of course not, we're just discussing a topic. :)
 
I agree with freedom of choice being important, but I also agree with Friday's comment on self-respect.
In my opinion, why would anyone voluntarily chose to get humiliated? If they feel a need for this, something must be wrong with their self-esteem.
I am not one for RPGs -I'm always myself. If my BF would dare to suggest something like that (and a d/s would be a RPG, in my eyes), I'd dump him quicker than CoyoteUgly gets a boner as he'd clearly have not understood the most basic principles of partnership and mutual respect.
 
If I may suggest that Ms. Nature and Ms. Friday might have two places they don't fully understand:

First is that they find a submissive role somehow inherently humiliating, and I observe this from how often you two bring it up. Has it occurred to you that it's very DIFFICULT to be so vulnerable, so willing to open up, and so willing to face both their own sexuality but the "un-masked" sexuality of their partner? Submission on the level that cinch and emme are talking about requires a great deal of courage. I find a great deal to respect in such women. I do not find them to be in a lesser role, and not humiliated by the act of submitting.

Secondly, "Humiliation" itself is often misunderstood. Most submissives are proud of their collars, but let's say there is a practice that even the submissive finds "humiliating" to a degree. Is she really humiliated? Or is she just humbled, having handed her Dom a tool to her psyche that knowingly triggers her. Maybe that strips away that last layer of inhibition, or makes them both face something between them? The mind is a far greater influence on sexuality than the body, erotic humiliation can become something else in the right hands and in the right mind. Eventually, it turns into something else. I realize that this may be a difficult concept to wrap one's mind around if you haven't experienced it.
I will give an example from "The other side". I had and have a line of fantasy. When I first started fantasizing about it I was excited but also ashamed of that excitement. I also wasn't sure why I even found it exciting. I was a loath to share it with anyone for fear of rejection. Eventually, I started to look at it, the excitement, the motivation, and I got brave enough to share it in a few cases. I was not rejected. I explored further, stripping away layers until it was no longer a "dark" place, an intense one even to this day, but not so "dark". There is love there too (as well as anger and passion and many other things). It took me a decade, and my counter-parts, to work this through my head to where it is today. No doubt I will evolve further.

This is a place where it almost doesn't matter which side of the leash you are on. If a dom wants something taboo, they risk exposure as much as a sub saying that they want the same thing. In my case, there is the gender thing, women still have a harder time admitting they like sex, much less something out of the ordinary. However, if *I* say I want it, she is relieved of the responsibility of admitting that she does (first at least).

Just some more grist for the mill.

-SB
 
let's agree on the fact that we're disagreeing. I think our points of views are too different for either of us to fully understand what the other person means and I would like to avoid the quarrel which would propably arise if we'd try our missionary talents at each other.

I am with you up to the point where you say it takes courage to totally open up to someone, but from that point on our views are contrary. While I have no problem with being very open (I think that became clear from the PMs we exchanged), I strongly disapprove of anyone who attempts to take advantage of this openness and I know very well how to defend myself. The same would apply in any situation, including a sexual one. I am nobody's servant or property and I won't pretend to be anything I am not.

However, if you dream of being my slave you have my permission to do so :smfgrin:
 
IMO The true power of the sub female is in that she has been able to 'appear' submissive enough to convince her male to the point that he's not off inseminating some other female.

It's all about biological tactics. Whatever it takes I say.

The only real power and the only thing that really matters is who comes in who and when. Microcosmic/macrocosmic its the whole damn point. Everything lends to that and resolves to that. Quite literally everything is a complex calculation resulting in either the successful insemination of one or more sexually mature female/females or the successful blocking or removal of the semen of the competition.

Hate to break it to you folks but that is all life is about.

/ducks
 
You know, you may actually have a point there.

Fortunately, I am too old to have kids so that insemination or not is of no interest to me. I am free to concentrate on the fun aspect =)
And if the guy wishes to go - *shrug* - we Bavarians have a saying: another mother also has a handsome child. There are plenty of fish in the sea.
 
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