Sarek,
Walmart called, they think some juveniles are getting ready to steal some Napoleon Dynamite DVDs. They'd like you to gather the rest of the security squad and get over there, PRONTO. Listen, dude, I know between Walmart and Dairy Queen, you're not bringing in a lot of cash but don't you think you can at least cancel some of your gay mag subscriptions so you can afford to get a fucking phone. I'm not your secretary, sperm-burper.
Much Thanks,
Mystery D8
PS. Tell your wife the "penetrator" said hello, she'll understand.