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Wacky Reviews: Star Trek

Unification: Part 1 - It starts with an onscreen graphic reading "Gene Roddenberry 1921-1991" so my reviews have officially entered the post Roddenberry years (even though he wasn't involved much in TNG after season two, I think.) A Federation ambassador has gone missing and been spotted on Romulus. Has he defected? Oh, and he's Spock. That's the important part. The Enterprise heads to Vulcan to speak to Sarek, who is dying. Picard says he's only met Spock once but doesn't say if it as at his wedding so we still don't get an answer to the "is Spock married?" question. There's also some mystery going on with salvage but I'm sure that has nothing to do with the Spock plot! Picard meets with Sarek's wife but she doesn't know what's going on with Spock. He had another falling out with Sarek. Riker and Geordi look into the wreckage of a crashed Ferengi cargo ship. Picard goes to see Sarek, who's in a bad way. His emotions are out of control, but when he sees Picard he has a moment of lucidity and talks to him about Spock. He thinks Spock is on Romulus to see a senator named Pardek. Sarek asks Picard to tell Spock he loves him. He can't even remember the end of "live long and prosper" and it's sad. Gowron won't answer the Eneterprise's calls because he's rewriting Klingon history to say he won the war without any help from Starfleet. A low-ranking Klingon finally responds to the Enterprise's calls and Picard asks for a cloaked vessel to take him to Romulus. He threatens to go to Gorwon's enemies for help instead. Geordi finds the wreckage of a deflector dish from a Vulcan ship named The T'Pau (I remember her!) in the Ferengi salvage (or whatever it is, I'm find this subplot hard/boring to follow.)

Gowron sends a Klingon ship to take Picard and Data to Romulus. The Klingon Captain isn't happy about it. He gives Picard and Data a crappy room to share with only one bed (with no mattress.) Picard doesn't rise to him and keeps being polite. Riker takes the Enterprise to an alien scrapyard. The guy who runs it is very rude. Riker gets Troi to flirt with him. What if he'd been gay? Luckily he isn't and he tells them The T'Pau is in his scrapyard, but is shocked to find it missing. They find another ship missing too and the Enterprise disguises itself as an abandoned ship. Data lets Picard have the "shelf" to sleep in but just stands there staring at him while Picard is trying to sleep. It's pretty great. Picard gets a message that Sarek is dead. The Enterprise finds a ship picking up parts meant for one of the missing ships. They fire on the Enterprise and the Enterprise fires back and destroys them (they have a lot of guns so their ship blows up easily.) Picard and Data put on Romulan make-up. Picard is sad about Sarek's death and having to tell Spock about it. We get a scene on Romulus of Pardek meeting with a younger Romulan, they've heard about Picard coming to Romulus. Picard and Data do some snooping on Romulus. Romulan soldiers watch them drinking soup. Pardek takes them to an underground lair. Spock steps out of the shadows. Yes, he's finally in the episode! But now it's finished.

The thing that always annoyed me about this episode is that Spock is only in the last five seconds. I mean when you hear about the two part Spock story you expect Spock to actually be in both parts. Instead it builds up to the "yep, that's Spock" cliffhanger. On the other hand, it's actually very good set up. The stuff with Picard and Data on the Klingon ship is a lot of fun. There's an intriguing political situation going on with the Romulans, giving more depth to their species. We get see Mark Lenard in his final Trek appearance and it's a typically strong performance. Even the junkyard plot, while a little hard to follow, is pretty entertaining. So despite the lack of Spock and some slowness this is a very good set-up episode and I hope part two lives up to it!

SCORE: 8.5/10
 
CaptainWacky said:
So yeah, the episode is pretty silly. How does EVERYONE on the ship get addicted to the game so fast? Like one minute only a few people are and the next all one thousand crewmembers are playing it with only Wesley and Robin noticing anything's wrong.
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It's one of those episodes that they can only do if Guinan isn't on board (or is just taking a really long nap).
 
Unification: Part 2 - Picard accuses Spock of "cowboy diplomacy" and tells him about Sarek. They talk in private about the feelings Sarek had for his son. Spock finally reveals why he's on Romulus: there are Romulans like Pardek who want reunification between Romulus and Vulcan. Spock makes mention of Picard being as stubborn as "another Captain of the Enterprise I once knew." He must mean Pike! This is all in the pre credits teaser and it's really hard not to get a thrill out of Picard and Spock interacting with each other. Data tells the Klingon Captain he wants to use his computer to access the Romulan information net. The Captain doesn't think it's possible since the Klingons have been trying to years. Spock introduces Picard to a Romulan lad who's reading about the history of Vulcan and Romulus. Pardek arranges a meeting between Spock and a young Romulan politician named Neral. Meanwhile Riker's still investigating the missing ships (still!) and he's in an alien bar like from Star Wars but on a much smaller budget. He plays space keyboards with an alien who has four hands. Neral tells Spock that it's time for a change and he will publically endorse the opening of talks with Vulcan. But after Spock leaves Sela (ugh) walks in and the episode falls off a cliff. Picard is suspicious of Neral and Spock agrees. The Romulan underground want to believe in Neral. Spock finds it weird that he and Picard are arguing the way he used to argue with Sarek. Spock goes to the Klingon ship to help Data with his hacking. Spock is fascinated by the fact that Data wants to be more human. It's a great scene!

Worf sings Klingon opera with the keyboard lady then tells Riker when a "FAT FERENGI" comes into the bar. Riker questions him and throws food on him. Why are we watching all this stuff when we could be watching Spock and Data talking? Spock's child friend has been playing with Vulcan toys all his life. Neral's treachery is revealed and Sela captures Spock, Picard and Data. Spock comes to the logical conclusion that Pardek betrayed them. Sela reveals her EVIL PLAN is to conquer Vulcan. A fake message is sent to the Enterprise. Sela's going to have Spock send a fake message to Vulcan saying that some nice Romulans are coming to be friends, but they're actually using stolen Vulcan ships to get Romulan troops on Vulcan. Picard points out that the Federation will intervene and Sela's just like "yeah, I guess." Her plan is terrible. But she has a holographic Spock! Riker somehow shows up in Sela's office with the wrong hair, but he's just a hologram. Spock and Picard come out from behind a holographic wall and beat up Romulans. It's fun but stupid! The real Spock sends a warning that the Romulans are coming to invade Vulcan. Data gives Sela a Vulcan nerve pinch, which is satisfying. She fucking sucks. The Romulans blow up their own invasion force rather than let them be taken prisoner. Spock tells Picard he's going to stay on Romulus to help with reunification, even if it takes decades. Except Romulus will be blown up in about ten years and then Spock will go back in time to see Vulcan blown up too. That's kind of a downer if you think about it! But Picard lets Spock mind meld with him (Spock never mind melded with Sarek...even though Sarek mind melded with adopted human daughter Michael for some reason!) and that's a pretty nice ending.

No, this doesn't live up to part one. That one set up an intriguing political sitatuion and Pardek was potentially a very interesting character. This one just throws that away in favour of cartoon Sela and her terrible plan. She thought she was going to takeover Vulcan with just two thousand troops? Why did she even need the stolen Vulcan ships when she could have just sent cloaked warbirds anyway? And Pardek just turns out to be evil too and his eighty year friendship with Spock is completely dismissed. The Romulans were such interesting adversaries in season 3 and now they're starting to feel like silly mooks. Sure there's still Spock's underground Romulans but there's only like six of them and one's a child. The Riker investigates plot isn't very good either (ATTACK OF THE CLONES DID IT BETTER WHEN OBI-WAN WAS INVESTIGATING.) It feels like a whole different story from part 1, similar to the way Redemption Part 2 felt compared to its first part. AND YET I really don't want to hate this episode because Spock is awesome. It's a delight seeing Leonard Nimoy and Patrick Stewart act together. There's a great scene between Spock and Data and Data gets to nerve pinch Sela. I really enjoy all of that. It's just a same the main plot ends up going to shit!

SCORE: 7.5/10
 
A Matter of Time - Written by Rick Berman! That doesn't happen often. A man named Professor Rasmussen (Matt Frewer, of Orphan Black fame) beams himself onto the bridge and claims to have come back in time three hundred years just to find the Enterprise. He says he's studying this period of history and can't reveal any details of the future to Picard. He keeps asking about trivial details like where everyone sits, as if they're a matter of debate in the future. Everyone pretty much believes his story about being from the future, but Picard wants his ship examined anyway. Data asks Rasmussen if he's still alive in the 26th century, but Rasmussen won't say. Meanwhile there's an invironmental disaster on some planet and the Enterprise is trying to help. Rasmussen annoys everyone by asking them questions. This takes up a lot of the episode. Geordi works on saving the endangered planet. Rasmussen acts like he's here to witness that. But the Enterprise does shit like this every week? He tries to get Troi to trust him. He flirst with Crusher.

Something goes wrong on the planet. Data is listening to four different classical music compositions at once. Rasmussen steals something from his quarters. Data has a way to save the planet, but it's risky. Picard asks Rasmussen to tell him what the right thing to do is as they can either let thousands die or risk the whole planet dying. It's taken a while but we've finally got to the moral dilemma part of the episode. Picard asks how he can be comfortable watching people die. Picard starts getting worked up when Rasmussen treats it like a hypothetical problem. He says he's disregarded the Prime Directive in the past because it was the right thing to do. Rasmussen keeps refusing to help. It doesn't matter because their plan works and the planet and Geordi are saved. Picard wants to search Rasmussen's ship because some things have gone missing. He'll only let Data come in since Data will neve reveal details of future technology. He hold a phaser to Data and finally reveals that even though the ship is from the 26th century he's actually from the 22nd century (like Archer!) and just stole the ship from a time traveler. He's stolen things to sell them in the past, but the phaser's been disabled and Data takes him out of his ship. It automatically returns to the past, leaving Rasmussen a prisoner in the 24th century.

Maybe there's a reason why Rick Berman doesn't write many episodes: this one's pretty dull! Most if it is just Rasmussen going about being annoying. Picard's big scene is pretty good but boils down to Picard asking "help us!" and Rasmussen saying "no!" repeatedly. It doesn't feel like a proper debate since it's obvious to the audience that Rasmussen is up to no good and isn't going to help. The twist that he's really from the past is decent at least. But otherwise this is quite tedious! I know it was originally written for Robin Williams, by the way! Maybe he would have at least talked in a silly voice or something.

SCORE: 6/10
 
Was Robin Williams actually lined up to star in it, or was that just wishful thinking from the beginning?

In any case, I didn’t know Rick Berman wrote any episodes, so I’m impressed he did as well as this. It’s good idea for a story even if it’s not very entertaining as a 45 minute episode.
 
Robin Williams talked about wanting to be in an episode of star trek all the time, but every time they wanted him to be in one he was busy.
 
New Ground - Geordi is excited about a new type of propulsion being tested. No more warp drive or nacelles! Ships will just ride a wave! He compares it to witnessing Zephran Cochrane's first warp flight. Yeah, Geordi, that would be great to see! Worf's human mother arrives with Alexander (now played by a different actor and aging super fast like all alien children seem to.) She explains she and Worf's father are getting too old to raise a child, especially a Klingon one. Worf doesn't want him! She's tells him Alexander's a big stinking liar so Worf decides something must be done. He enrolls Alexander in school and doesn't even know the kid's date of birth. There's a fairly funny scene where Picard wants to speak to Worf but he keeps getting called away to deal with Alexander. He doesn't want to go to a school thing (with alien lizards) either until Troi tells him to. Alexander steals a lizard model and lies about it. Worf lectures him on honour (yawn) and tells him about Kahless (who was evil in TOS!) Alexander says he won't be bad again. Troi warns Worf that things might not be fine forever now but Worf's certain that Alexander will never do anything bad again ever. We get to the science fiction plot part of the episode as the Enterprise tests the warp wave thing. It goes wrong (obviously of there would be no plot!) and the test ship is blown up.

Alexander's teacher tells Worf that he's still misbehaving and lying and bullying. Worf blames her. She says Alexander said Worf told her "Klingons don't listen to teachers" which is pretty funny at least. Worf finds Alexander on the Holodeck, fighting Skeletor in Worf's famous "Skeletor fight" programme. Worf yells at him and says he's sending him off to Klingon school. Please do! Troi counsels Worf about his hot mate's death and how they argued about Alexander right before she died. Alexander is angry about being sent away and runs off to see the alien lizards again. The Enterprise is trying to stop the warp wave thing is it's about to wipe out a planet. It feels really routine and not exciting. There's a fire in the lab where Alexander just happens to be! Worf and Riker go to rescue him as the Enterprise races to save the planet. Worf uses his super Klingon strength to lift a thing off him. Alexander insists that Riker save the alien lizards too. Worf has saved Alexander's life now so that means all their problems are solved and he dcides not to send him to Klingon school.

The thing about Worf is that he's become really one note over the seasons. He used to show more personality, have more character, but because the thing Michael Dorn is best at is gruff one liners that's how they always have him speak now. So when it comes down to do a charecter epsiode about Worf it's problematic since he never normally says much. Add to that the fact that Alexander is just pretty annoying and all the scenes with him and Worf are pretty cringey. I really didn't enjoy them! The plot with the warp wave thing could have actually been interesting but it's just there as an excuse to get Alexander trapped under some metal so that all the problems can be magically solved by saving him. It's becoming a TNG cliche that an sudden sci-fi crisis can be used to resolve the plot. This is all really standard stuff and the acting isn't good enough to elevate it.

SCORE: 5.5/10
 
Hero Worship - The Enterprise is searching for a missing ship in a "black cluster." They find the ship all fucked up with seemingly everyone dead, until Riker and Data find a boy (Timothy) trapped under some metal (just like Alexander!) They can't beam him out so Data saves him with his android strength. The Enterprise crew can't tell how everyone else on the ship died. Timothy, despite looking at least ten, is sent to school with a bunch of pre school kids (and a different teacher than the previous episode.) THE BREEN ARE MENTIONED. Timothy has been lying about what happened to the crew and Troi thinks he'll talk to Data as he seems attached to the android. Timothy tries to make a modle of a temple but tries to contrcut the upper level without the supports being in place, depsite that fact that he managed to build the level below fine. Is he just dumb? Data builds it super fast for him and he's impressed. The boy starts mimicking Data because androids don't have emotions and he won't have to be sad about his family dying.

Troi tries to talk to Timothy but he just keeps saying "I am an android" and "beep bloop." Picard instructs Data to make Timothy the best android he can be because they think that will finally get him talking. Data styles his hair like an android's. Everyone else acts along and pretends he's an android. He still won't tell the truth. The black cluster plays tricks on the Enterprise's sensors. Timothy finally laugh and Data thinks he's getting better. Troi tells him to convince the boy that it's great to be human. Data tells him that he'd gladly risk feelilng bad if it meant he could enjoy ice cream. Timothy finally reveals the truth: he killed his parents and everyone else on the ship. His arm hit a computer panel and it made the ship explode. That seems pretty unlikely, Timothy! Troi and Data tell him it wasn't his fault. The Enterprise starts to encounter distortions too. Thanks to Timothy Data works out that giving more power to the shields is what caused the other ship to blow up. Data tells Picard to drop the shields and the Enterprise is saved. Timothy goes back to being human.

Two kid centric episodes in a row? How did that happen? Did nobody noticing when they were ordering the episodes? I do think this one is a bit better than the previous. Data being nice to the kid is good and the child actor is a bit better than Alexander. It's still not great though! Not much really happens and the "weirid distortions of the week" thing is getting old.

SCORE: 6.5/10
 
They should have had a whole episode where all they do is walk past kids trapped under metal things and various main characters flip the bird at said assorted kids.
 
Violations - The Enterprise is hosting a delegation of telepathic historians. Their leader (Tarmin) helps Keiko remember something boring. His son (Jev) gives a CREEPY LOOK right at the end of the teaser, so they're not even bothering to disguise who the villain is going to be. Telepathic dad is a bit pomous and wants to probe everyone's memories. Troi is nice to the son because she notices the dad being mean. Troi has scary flashes of Riker raping her (yep, it's a Troi mind-rape episode!) and suddenly Riker turns to Jev in her mind and she goes into a coma. Riker questions Jev and talks to coma Troi. Riker has a memory/vision where he's resposible for an Ensign dying, also featuring Jev. He goes into a coma too. Worf wants all the telepaths locked up.

Picard questions Tarmin and Jev. Crusher thinks it's some weird disease or something and Geordi investigates (not much is happening.) Crusher is next to be mind-raped and has a memory of Picard (with hilarous wig!) showing her Jack's body. Jack wakes up and scares her into a coma. It's pretty scary. Troi wakes up. Jev wants to prove her mind to prove his family's innocence. Data and Geordi find other cases of the weird disease on planets Tarmin's group visited. Jev probes Troi and she remembers Tarmin raping her. Picard doesn't know how they can prosecute Tarmin since memory invasion isn't a crime the Federation has. Data and Geordi find that Tarmin wasn't present when some of the comas on alien planets happened. Despite the fact that he thinks he's gotten away with it, Jev goes to Troi's quarters and tries to rape her again. He's not exactly a criminal mastermind. Troi tries to fight and Worf comes in and knocks him out with one blow, which is pretty cool. Tarmin feels bad about what his son did and Picard says that the "seed of violence" lives within each of us. A jab at GENE'S VISION, maybe!

It's not too bad, despite being a Troi mind-rape episode. The actual violation scenes are really well done as they start like normal memories but then become nightmarish and scary, with Jev creepily inserting himself. The acting is good, the story is mostly good...though I'm not sure why Jev went back and tried to attack Troi again at the end. Then again he's a psychopath and they don't always behave rationally! Ultimately there's no greater meaning to the episode beyond "memory rape is bad" but it's all watchable enough.

SCORE: 7.5/10
 
The Masterpiece Society - The Enterprise finds a human colony who want no contact with outsiders. A "stellar fragment" is going to hit them and the Enterprise wants to evacuate them, but they don't want to go. They're a genetically engineered society who have selectively bred "people without flaws." One of them says someone like Geordi would never be born there, which is pretty rude! Their leader (Connor) is excited to talk to Troi and a scientist woman (Hannah) works with Geordi to solve the problem. The old tradationalist doesn't want her beaming up to the ship because the planet is perfectly balanced and no one can leave for even a few hours or something. Picard talks about genetic engineering and how it breeds out some of the qualities that makes life worth living. Hannah talks to Geordi about his blindness and how he would have been aborted. He somehow goes from talking about how his VISOR works to finding a way to save the colony and laughs at the irony of someone who wouldn't have been born there saving them. Connor keeps flirting with Troi and it's a bit dull.

Troi plays the piano and tells him she can't see him again. Who cares? Geordi and Hannah do their thing to stop the stellar fragment and it works. But there's a breach in the biosphere anyway. Geordi is suspicious and asks Hannah why she's faking a breach. She says she's been so impressed by the Federation's technology that she now thinks her colony is living in the dark ages and their biosphere has kept them prisoner. She wants asylum and so do others. Troi says this can't be allowed because their colony will be ruined if anyone leaves. Troi admits to Picard that she shagged Connor and that she shouldn't have done it. Connor admits to PIcard that he's been feeling the same way as Hannah, but he has a responsibility to lead his people. He wants Picard to refuse to grant asylum but Picard won't do that. Connor asks the people to wait six months to decide if they definitely want to leave, but Hannah and the others won't go along with it and leave anyway. Twenty three colonists leave on the Enterprise. Picard says to Riker that the should have followed the Prime Directive as their very presence destroyed their way of life. Riker rightly poins out that they were all going to die but Picard says losing those people might have been just as bad. Which is dumb.

There's so good stuff in this, mainly involving Geordi talking about how he'd not be allowed to be born on this planet. Levar Burton always does a great job inserting some personality into dry Star Trek scenes and make no mistake, a lot of this episode is DRY. I mean I like serious science fiction but there's no reason it has to be boring. Troi and Connor's romance is a dud and a waste of time. Once Hannah decides to leave the planet it gets more interesting again, but Picard's final speech about people leaving the society being just as bad as them all dying is too over the top. So yeah, forgettable stuff with some good science parts.

SCORE: 6.5/10

TNG season 5 is kind of hard to get through. I think I'm going to take a break and return to Wacky Reviews: Doctor Who.
 
The fatal flaw in this was the casting of Connor. That actor is dead behind the eyes, and his affected voice makes him sound like a commercial spokesperson for funeral parlors. He annoyed me whenever he was on the screen. Also he had that Sam Lavelle lazy-eye thing, although it wasn't as bad as Sam's.

Ron Canada was wasted as the token gruff old guy who hates change. He had more to chew on as a General in a handful of episodes of The West Wing.
 
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